21 And Never Been Kissed
First, there was the 14-year-old who wanted to know how to feel beautiful. Then, the 16-year-old athlete dealing with bulimia. Here’s another e-mail from a young woman (this time she’s 21) looking for some support and help from Big Fat Deal. Bolding mine.
So I really don’t know how to start this e-mail. I go by Ambular on BFD and here I find myself crying my eyes out at 2:41 in the morning and have no idea where to reach out to. Everyone on the blog seems so supportive and I was hoping maybe I could get some insight. I am 21 years old and have been held back by my weight for my whole life. I was teased constantly in school, to the point where I had to drop out of regular high school and am currently working towards my high school diploma from a local community college. I have never experienced the normal things girls do at my age. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been kissed. The few friends I have are very supportive of me, but don’t truly understand what I’m going through and I feel almost awkward going out with them because my lack of experience at age 21. How do I explain to them that I have never dated anyone, let alone had a simple first kiss when they’ve been in mutilple relationships and one is even engaged? I just feel so alone and like I’ll never progress from where I am now. It’s depressing to think that in this day and age, 16 year olds have more romantic experience then me. I apologize for being a bother…I just needed to reach out to someone. Thanks so much for listening.
You’re quite welcome, Ambular. I was honored to get this e-mail. It reminded me of an old Vine letter answered by Sarah Bunting back in the day. Sarah’s answer is not an exact fit for your problem, but it sounds like you have low self esteem that is holding you back—not just romantically, but in other ways (like interfering with your education). That’s something that talking to a good therapist can really help you with. Sometimes people need a little bit of help to start putting themselves out there.
As for the romantic angle… well, among other things, I dated a gay guy in high school. “Make out with a gay guy” is probably not the best advice to give you. Well, it’s not the worst advice, either, now that I think of it. But before you head out to your city’s Castro District, click the comments button, and read on.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Personal, Sex & Romance
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Self-esteem and self-love are essential. It makes such a difference, regardless of size… You see, when we believe that we’re unlovable (which is not a fact, but a perception), we give out this vibe subconsciously. You have to believe in yourself. How does that self-confidence develop? There are different ways to achieve that, but first and foremost, you must trust yourself.
Wear clothes that look good on you, do activities that you really like (and not just because others tell you that you should do them), and just remember: yes, there are lots of jerks out there, but there are also many guys who’ll go nuts for you as you are. You know how those ugly duckling stories go… well, the true transformation isn’t so much the outer change (the makeover) as it is inner (learning to accept yourself).
Sorry for the rambling on, I’m at work, so I have little time to really write a deeper answer, although I’m sure others will too.
I don’t have an answer to the romantic thing accept to try and get out and meet lots of new people. I don’t find people I want to date/who want to date a fat person all that often, but when I do they’re usually great guys. There also may be (as I recently discovered) BBW events in your area. I urge you to look these up and go if there are any.
As for the other stuff. Look, you can make it. I dropped out of high school because of the constant anoyance from the other students. Getting up in the morning and just thinking about going to school would make me melt into a puddle of crying goo on the couch. After I dropped out I took night classes and an independant sudy and was able to graduate. It’s been 8 years since that and I have a college degree, spent some time in AmeriCorps, and a good job. I’m not going to lie and tell you that some of these things weren’t difficult to obtain, but I did it. Despite being very fat.
I’m not saying that you should follow the same path as I did, but I am saying that you can do whatever you want. I’ve dated guys that were older than you and about as experienced. It’s not a race to the finish, it’s about finding someone you actually care about. There are skinny people who are your age and have your experience! Be confident that you’re a good person and someone will be attracted to that, I promise!
Hey, Mo Pie! Can you give this woman my e-mail address? I don’t know if you can do that or not. I’m not sure it’s appropriate for me to post it here. I don’t want any troll droppings in my mailbox! I think it would be good for her to be able to talk to someone who has been through much the same stuff as she has.
I have been exactly where you are. I didn’t date all through my twenties, and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 32, on the third date with the man who is now my husband (and I tell ya, he felt extremely touched and honored when I revealed that he was my first kiss, so I wouldn’t advise going out and finding a makeout partner just for the sake of experience).
Stories like mine actually depressed the hell out of me when I was your age, because it made it feel so far away, and I still doubted that it would ever really happen, because I just didn’t believe it was possible for men to find me attractive. What I had to do was focus on me. Getting my education, pursuing activities I was good at, taking good care of myself, dressing well, and generally doing things that helped me to feel good about myself. It took years for that to translate into actually liking myself and believing that it was conceivable that men could also like me. But I had to believe it before it was true. And it WAS true. It still is. But others are completely correct when they say that you have to learn to love yourself before someone else can love you. It has more to do with the vibe you put out there than how you look. If you put out the vibe that you’re fabulous–and without knowing you I can still assure you that you ARE fabulous–other people, men included, will believe that you are fabulous.
So don’t worry about dating right now. Don’t worry about your level of experience. You need to work on taking care of yourself. Get your diploma, continue your education, develop your intellect, make time to do things you enjoy that make you feel good about yourself, pamper yourself at every opportunity, and yes, see a therapist if that’s what it takes to convince yourself that you’re worthwhile and beautiful. If you can get there, everything else will happen in its own time. *hugs*
I agree – self-esteem is a big part of it. I used to have awful, horrible self-hatred and ended up doing the opposite of you – I did the whole slutty sleep with everyone thing because it made me feel validated and wanted. And then it messed me up for years.
What helped me dealing with both self-esteem and all that past sex stuff was therapy, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. I think I’ve actually mentioned it on here before, because it was such a huge breakthrough for me. I can’t recommend it enough, seriously. Of course your therapist is important, too, you have to click with the person and not be afraid to just stop seeing someone who doesn’t work for you; but I think that style of therapy is just… just so worth it.
Either way, that’s what life seems to boil down to, just learning to like yourself, to be okay with yourself. It sounds like maybe the world has helped to conspire to make you feel like crap, so you know what? Fuck the world. Fuck those assholes who can’t see how freaking awesome you are, how you’re funny and smart and _insert thing you are proud of about yourself here_.
Oh, and I also left high school because of issues I had (panic attacks) and ended up finishing with tutors at home. Now I’m getting my 10-years-in-the-making bachelor’s and it’s really, really awesome going back as an adult student. It’s the most amazing thing how all the stuff that was scary and painful as a teenager sort of dissipates when you’re learning with adults.
And if you ever want someone to bitch to, feel free to email me, okay? Because you sound awesome and you deserve so much more than you’re getting right now.
superblondgirl@gmail.com (Melanie)
Huge hugs, girl.
Last year I was 20 and never been kissed. I figured it was due to my weight. When I began forcing myself to make new friends I meet a girl who was larger then myself and I was shocked that she had not only been kissed, she had had mutliple parteners as well.
This started not only my jounrey to fat acceptance but also to self-acceptance. I spent so many years blaming myself and others for my percieved ugliness that I essentially hid from the world.
But by making new friends I was introduced to a larger social network. This was both good and bad. My newfound acceptance both made me appear overlly eager and overlly innocent. Be wary.
I had to wait another year until I met my boyfriend. I’m still struggling with both fat and self-acceptance, sometimes it’s worse that I’m in a relationship.
I suppose all I can say is that these things take time and that they only truly start when you begin to love yourself. Start trying new things like joining clubs, or going to bars. If your friends make you feel inferior, find a second social group that you can better identify with. Don’t ever lose your first set of friends, but allow yourself to branch out!
One more thought:
It was really difficult for me to tell my friends that I was still a virgin (in every way) when they had numbers up in the dozens. They were shocked and it was embarassing. They wanted me to go to clubs and have “random makeout sessions” and to stop being so uptight.
I admittedly did go to those clubs have have those..uh.. expereinces. But they were horrible and did nothing for me. Nothing increases your feelings of self-decprication like a random groping boy drunkenly kissing you.
I definitely think you need to work on your self esteem! I was in a similar place than you in college — not much relationship experience — and the fact that everyone else seemed to be having this four year long orgy made me feel even worse. Of course, that was just my warped perception. I don’t think there were actual orgies going on. If there were, I definitely wasn’t invited.
I spent many long hours being so totally depressed. And I would get upset when I saw other girls, who had the audacity to be bigger than me, when I was already fat, having awesome loving relationships. I was stuck in that mean, bitter place for a long time. Not that you are mean or bitter — I have no idea — but I definitely was. It took me so, so long to come to grips with the fact that it wasn’t my size keeping me from getting some, whether it was sex or love. It was me.
That sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it that way. I just mean that I was so focused on what was wrong with me that I wasn’t able to get outside of my head. I’ve had a therapist tell me, verbatim, “You have the worst negative self-talk that I’ve ever experienced.” Which is totally an awesome thing to hear, right? I look back at who I was and it makes me so sad. I am only now beginning to love my body, and let me tell you, I’m much bigger now than I ever was at your age. We are all worthy of love. Do you believe that? Do you think, oh, that’s true for everyone but me? Because that’s what I believed for a long time. Isn’t that sad?
And one final suggestion: have you ever thought about internet dating? I met my first boyfriend and then later my husband online. I didn’t meet either one of them on a dating site but from what I understand those are really good now. Lots of people use them, and you can be upfront about how you look. There ARE men who love their women larger. It’s difficult to believe, especially when the only way we ever see our bodies as sexual objects are when they are being fetishized, but it’s absolutely true.
I wish you the best of luck.
Personally I think there is WAY too much focus on people getting into relationships in this society. The relationship, the kiss, the sex, it’s all supposed to be the thing that makes your life complete.
And you know what, I’ve always felt that *I* should be the thing that makes my life complete. I should be able to live a happy and fulfilled life without kisses, without a one true love, so on and so forth. I should have hobbies, interests and goals of my own, completely independent of any future significant other that I might or might not have.
A relationship, that’s just the cherry on top of an already fulfilling life.
Go out with your friends, and go have a good time for yourself. Study hard and find career goals for yourself. Take care of yourself, because you deserve your own love and care. Everyone else, well, you don’t need me to tell you where they can stick it.
Also. Sidenote, dogs and cats are amazing at reminding you you deserve to be loved. (dogs, slightly better) And there are thousands that need someone to love them. If you find yourself awake at night often, sad about how empty your bed is (as I often did) sometimes it is nice to have something fuzzy and warm to snuggle you while you are sad.
I also read a book once that said “Pets are God’s way of saying, ‘Don’t lower the bar just because you are lonely.'”
Oh I so feel you!!!
While I did make out with a few boys in college, I didn’t go on a date until I was 22, didn’t lose my virginity until then either. And I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 24. I’m 28 now and still struggle all the time with the feeling like I will never “find love” because of my size.
I am sometimes bugged by the posts around the fatosphere on this subject…becuase they sometimes unintentionally make it seem so easy, when sometimes it isn’t.
I actually DO have pretty good self esteem, I dress well, I have lots of friends and am well-liked…considering my size (260 lb) I dont’ even really encounter much in the way of fat discrimination or hatred.
But I do have trouble meeting guys…I chalk it up to looking for them int he wrong places. I go to the bars with my girlfriends, which is I think my biggest mistake. Guys at bars or frat parties, or whatever “young person social situation with alcohol” you are at, sometimes dont’ tend to be the picks of the litter, or are just looking for that “typical hot chick” they can hook up with.
So if you’re not comfortable with the Internet, I recommend looking outside of venues like that…I’m not sure what those venues would be, haha, depends on your interests. But I think avoiding the bar scene is my best piece of advice!
Maybe because the guy I was dating recently (and met in a bar) dumped me on IM. Ha!
I am 31 and I have never been kissed. I have never been on a real date, I have never held hands, and it goes without saying that I have never had sex.
I spent a long time feeling bad about all that, because I bought the idea that in order to live a normal, happy life, you “had” to do all that stuff in your teens, and I felt like a big freak.
I teach high school, and it has been eye opening. Those relationships I had so coveted weren’t so bright and shiny from an adult perspective. In fact, I have started to believe that dating in your teens is a really BAD idea, and I am thankful I didn’t do it.
As for telling your friends, it is really none of their business, but I assure you, anyone who judges you for this is not worth your time or energy. Friends support each other, not judge and condemn. I would suggest you just tell them if it comes up. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
The journey to self-love is hard, but it is possible and so, so worth it. I wish you the very best as you pursue happiness.
You know, most of the time it’s not a weight thing, it’s a confidence thing.
I had almost no experience with dating in high school. Everyone around me had boyfriends and girlfriends and was snogging, but I had never even been kissed. I was also very very skinny (I was too stressed out to eat. My tummy always hurt. Later I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.) No boys (or girls) approached me because I was withdrawn and felt terrible about myself. I picked crushes who I had never spoken to and never did even try to speak to.
A friend recently met a girl in person whom he’d met on facebook, of all places (there’s an app on there you can add called “Are you interested?” and this girl clicked yes on his. He was really psyched :) Anyway, he found he wasn’t attracted to her after they met. I asked if it was physical. He said no, she was a big gal, but he liked girls with weight on them… it was that she clearly felt so bad about herself and her body that there was no sexiness there. He started to believe about her what she believed because she was projecting it so strongly.
Self-esteem is a tricky one. If you figure out how to get one, let me know. Being slim doesn’t seem to work. It doesn’t even help (when I was a lot larger, I was my happiest.)
I was in the same position as you when I turned 21! I’d never dated, been kissed, anything like that… though I had had the “ask the fat girl out as a joke” experiences and a “good friends who almost dated until I realized he was an abusive jerk” experience. And I was feeling pretty terrible about myself right after the end of that second one, just a few months into 21. But then I had my first real, on-my-own adventure (which I had been planning for a while) – I traveled (on my own! Staying with people I’d never met!) to Washington state and volunteered at a retreat center where I’d never been before and didn’t know anyone. It was a HUGE self esteem boost to realize that I could make my own way like that – manage traveling alone, slightly awkward social situations (like the slightly creepy lady who wouldn’t leave me alone in the bus station…), and solving all the minor issues that come up with that sort of thing.
And I kid you not, within 2 weeks of arriving I had met the man I’m with now, 2 and a half years later. I wasn’t looking at all. Dating was the last thing on my mind – I was just enjoying the landscape, the food, and the people there. I was working on the garden crew so I had on my rattiest clothes all the time and generally wasn’t caring for my appearance beyond showering. But something in the self-confidence I gained from the experience must have been just glowing, because this otherwise shy guy started doing all the really cute things that guys do to try to get your attention – and it took me a while to figure out that he was flirting! with me!
At any rate, my point is that sometimes these things come along when you’ve given up looking for them. The best way you can help is to do things that will make you more self-confident, and I know that for me at least, doing something you weren’t sure you could do is a great way to boost your self-esteem. Plus, having adventures like that gives you things to talk about if you meet someone you want to flirt with!
Hi there! I want to second all of the commenters above. I’d also like to recommend a few great books that really helped me with both self love and fat positivity. The two books in particular that I would start with are “Fat?so!” by Marilyn Wann and “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.
In particular, I think it can be difficult to “learn” to love oneself when most of us aren’t taught the tools to do so. It also takes a bit of unlearning behaviors that keep us stuck. I think the above books will give you some of those tools.
Also, keep reading fat positive sites like BFD. I like the fatshionista community on livejournal, because it’s a great way to change your sense of visual norms, i.e., if your eyes get used to seeing big gorgeous women all the time, you might start seeing yourself in that light as well.
Most importantly, go easy on yourself. Allow yourself all the little changes, that, over time, will seem like big changes. Do the things first that seem easiest — like, if buying a pretty bracelet for yourself feels better or seems easier than saying an affirmation, then go for the bracelet.
I wish you the best. If you want to talk, please add me as a myspace friend.
Wow, Ambular, you could have been me at your age. I, too, grew up as a fat kid and rarely dated and rarely got noticed except for when I was harassed. I ended up going to college my senior year of high school just to escape my school and the toxic climate there.
I echo what others have said in developing positive self-esteem. But even the most positive self-esteem won’t change the preferences of many a guy, and at your age, unfortunately guys seem to gravitate towards thinner, beautiful girls. Others may have different experiences, but this is what I have found to be true. Guys your age are immature and prone to peer pressure and the need for social acceptance. Maybe this is why I always tended to date older guys – one was just two years younger than my mom. I’m not telling you to date older guys, but just be aware of the fact that the problem isn’t with you, but with them.
You say your weight has always held you back – I wonder if it has been your weight holding you back, or your fears of rejection because of your weight. I know I used my weight as an excuse for everything that went wrong in my life and it wasn’t until I became thin that I realized my life was pretty much the same as it was before, only I was extremely sick and depressed thanks to my eating disorder. I did get more attention from guys, but it was mostly negative attention. Guys did not beat down my door with bouquets of roses, nor was I finally happy with myself and who I was.
It wasn’t until after a lot of self-analysis and an emerging awareness of the injustices fat people face did I begin to feel secure in myself. Once I recognized that I was a good person, worthy of being loved and loving, and deserving of someone who would appreciate me for me regardless of weight, did I finally find the man I would later marry. You can read our big fat love story here.
My sister is 20 years old, so I know how hard it can be at this age to feel like you’re missing out on things other girls seem to take for granted. But had I met my husband without the benefit of getting to know myself and feeling secure in who I was, I don’t think our relationship would have worked. I needed to be alone with myself for a while before I could ever hope to share my life with someone.
I have been in the same situation as you. I was a virgin until I met my husband when I was 30, and I always felt ashamed of it. Then I found out *he* was a virgin too – it made me think that there was a reason I had so little experience. :) Hang in there and try to love yourself more – you may find that it helps others to love you as well.
I still get that way sometimes. I’m 25, and all of my friends are in relatively serious relationships and some are getting married, and I’ve had all of 3 (none of them longer than 11 months). It’s really easy to look at what other people have and think that life would be so much easier if I had that, but the truth is that we never really know what it looks like from the other side. I have envied my younger sister for already being married and having two kids, because I absolutely want a family of my own someday. But things have been hard for her because of this, too, and she is sometimes envious of my single grad student life. The grass is always greener, I suppose.
Everyone above has said that confidence is key, and it’s so true. I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost weight, and what I’ve learned is that, at least for me, it was never my weight that was holding me back. Instead, it was my opinion of myself. I’m sure that some people may have given me a pass because of my looks, but I have a feeling that my negativity about life and myself was far more of a problem. And I look back on some of my relationships and cringe because of how much I used to put up with and never stood up for myself. These days, I’d much rather be myself and not sacrifice who I am just to have someone.
What really helped me with my confidence was finding a job that I love to do and trying new things that I had never previously dreamed of doing, like kickboxing or knitting. Going after a goal or a dream is always a good thing to do. Focus on what you want, what will make you happy, what you like to do. Be proud of who you are, and love every part of yourself, even those things that you feel like you should hide–they’re what make you you! Don’t treat this as a means to an end–you may not immediately find someone worth having after this, and sometimes for some of us this is just how long it takes, nothing wrong with it. Treat this as an end in itself, because having confidence will radiate into all other parts of your life! This is still hard for me–I feel like if I feel good about myself, then things should change immediately, and sometimes change takes time.
Take heart, and don’t lose hope–I’m sure you’re an absolutely wonderful girl, and you have so much to offer! I promise that someone will see that in time, and sometimes faster than you think!
There are few things sexier than self confidence. I think the key to attracting the attention of a romantic partner is in getting him/her to see that confidence but it’s hard to get your foot in the door (I’ve so been there — the girl at the table holding the purses, ya know?).
Therapy is a great idea for pinpointing and nurturing that confidence. So is getting involved in some group activities, like clubs or volunteering, so you can meet a variety of people and show your passion and personality at the same time. Feeling good about yourself and knowing who you are and what you want project a great amount of sex appeal.
As for the young girls having more experience, I really don’t envy them. I feel sad for the girls I see throwing themselves at boys, basing their self worth on someone else’s opinion. It is frustrating though, in many ways, and it’s hard not to compare. But they’re children. You’re a woman, with all the qualities that a mature partner will embrace — more than just physicality.
You deserve someone who desires you for exactly who you are. It might take a little time b/c you’re not settling for the first person to come along but the quality of your experience will be greater than the quantity. I’ve been there too ;)
Oh and my gay boyfriends were in high school AND college. Talk about frustrating ;)
Commenters have made some really good points above about liking yourself, self-confidence and where to meet people, so I won’t repeat that. But I will say that the most important thing for me in getting into a good relationship was realising that there was nothing particularly difficult or special about being with someone. It wasn’t fairytale romance – it’s more like being best friends who fancy each other. I went out with quite a few jerks who liked playing games (basically they always wanted the upper hand) before I realised that wasn’t what a relationship should be like. The first time I went out with my boyfriend we really fancied each other, but even more importantly we *liked* each other, and that was what felt great; just like when you meet a great new friend. He called me the next day and we chatted for an hour – none of this not calling for three days to get the power (I used to call this “the battle of who could care less”, after the Ben Folds Five song, when you both try to pretend you’re really not all that bothered).
Another thing to remember is that it’s a numbers game. The more people you meet and talk to, the more chance you have of finding someone you like who likes you back. But be sensible about how you do it – as someone said above, you’re not likely to meet anyone looking for a serious relationship in a bar that’s a well-known pulling place, so if that’s what you’re after, look elsewhere. If you only want a bit of flirtation, then it might be the perfect place! If there’s a friend you can trust, it might be worth asking her if there are times when men are flirting with you or checking you out and you haven’t realised. Quite often, if your confidence isn’t great, you don’t realise that people are coming on to you. Try internet dating – my boyfriend and I met online and have been together 3 years, and I’ve just been to the wedding of a friend who met her husband on match.com. The best thing for me was that it took away the “is that cute guy flirting with me because he wants to go out with me, or is he flirting with me because he’s in a long-term relationship but wants a confidence-boost?” factor – everyone you meet should theoretically be on the lookout for the same thing.
Finally, at 21, you’re still really young – it’s certainly not odd not to have had your first kiss yet. When I was 21, roughly half of my friends had had boyfriends and half hadn’t. I was in the “hadn’t” category and I remember it really bothered me. However, the worst thing I did was let my inexperience hold me back – I felt like it was really obvious that I didn’t know much about men, but I later learned that it wasn’t at all. You don’t have to tell anyone that you’re not very experienced if you don’t want to, and they won’t be able to tell.
Sorry for the mammoth comment, but this really made me remember how I felt when I was younger and I hope some of it might help you to avoid some of the mistakes I made. To be honest, the thing I regret most is hiding from the world – I’ve never regretted going out with the jerks, kissing the frogs or talking to new people, no matter how scary it was at the time, because I’ve gotten something from it everytime. The years I spent at home, worrying that I wasn’t good enough to be out there? Those I regret.
I think I’m going to be the first commenter to say that I had a boyfriend all four years of high school. BUT! We never kissed. The. Entire. Time.
Which, as I’m sure you can guess, did a number on my self-esteem. Nowadays I rationalize it by saying that we lost chemistry early on and wanted to stay good friends, but I know that I was attracted to him for at least 3/4 of the time.
Anyway, I went to college and I just could not admit this to anyone. I would say things like “I’ve kissed less than three boys” or “I’ve hardly kissed anyone.” Mostly I was worried about how in the fuck I would ever get a boyfriend if I didn’t have “experience” already. I felt like I had already missed the Happy Relationship Train, you know?
Believe me, “experience” is not a prerequisite for entering into a good relationship. The keys to a good relationship, IMHO, are honesty and self-respect. I’m 19 and I got into an awesome relationship 3 months ago. I am stupidly in love. We’ve kissed and progressed in some other ways and not once have I thought “Damn! I really wish I had kissed someone else before this!” I mean, some things have been awkward, but we talk it out and it becomes fun and awkward.
My boyfriend, by the way, is going on 22 and he had never been in a relationship either. He’s also seriously hot. Sometimes things just happen that way. Don’t believe that not being in a relationship or not having kissed someone is somehow proof that you’re not lovable or worth loving or sexy or even self-confident. It could just be proof that you haven’t met the right person at the right time in the right place.
Please do not go out and try for random experiences and sex. That’s not the way to go and you may regret it in more ways than one.
My husband and I were each other’s firsts and we were in our mid twenties. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have. What matters is that it takes different people longer to find the right person and you frequently don’t find that person when you are looking.
Right now concentrate on finding out who you are. Work on your education. Go to events that interest you. Expand your horizons. Do community work. When you feel more comfortable with yourself, the right person will come along. Take it slow and easy and things will be fine.
Hang in there!
P.S. Some people get engaged/married at 21 and the marriages are long and happy ones. But these are *not* the majority. Your engaged friend has had very little time to find out who she is and what she wants out of life before signing up to spend her life with someone. Right now her life probably looks exciting and grown up (I can remember a friend of mine getting engaged at 16 and how romantic we all thought it was – they split up two months later), but actually she’s not giving herself the time and space to try out different relationships, find out what she likes and learn who she is. So don’t feel like she’s somehow “succeeded” where you haven’t – in a few years time, she may well be wishing she’d played the field a bit more before settling down.
When I was 21 I had only “been kissed” as a result of spin the bottle games, which doesn’t count at all. Actually I think I kissed a boy once as an experiment, but we were only friends.
I hardly dated throughout my 20s until I met my boyfriend at 27. We’ve been together 3 years. I do worry sometimes because I was never in a relationship before – are the things that bug me about him just normal relationship stuff? But he loves me and I love him so we keep going. As far as “experience” goes, I had two one-night stands before I met my boyfriend, and now I would dearly love for him to have been my first. However, those one-night stands actually helped improved my confidence (along with therapy and fat blogs) to the point where I could get out there and meet someone.
I’m not suggesting you pick up someone on the subway, though (which is what I did). It’s a really bad idea, even though it worked out ok for me.
It’s probably not good advice for everyone (in fact it may be crappy advice for most people), but what worked for me when I was in your shoes was to just “fake it until you make it”. Get some radical hair dye, some daring makeup, an outfit that you’d never wear…..get done up and go out. Hold your head up high, maybe even give yourself a new nickname and just have fun. Be loud, be dramatic, hit on the hottest guy in the room (by YOUR standards, not some arbitrary social crap). Who cares if people stare or think you’re weird, you’re in disguise! Before long, the costume becomes your normal clothes (and your old “normal” gets crowded out of the closet), the new attitude becomes the default and you’re the person you’ve been pretending to be…..who is really just the person who was hiding under the shame and social crap anyway! You ARE that fabulous, outgoing, beautiful woman you’re imagining how to create. So go be her.
Also….internet dating rocks!! Met my husband on one of the first bigish dating sites 8 years ago last week!!! Just be honest about who you are and what you want, take it slow and use common sense safety precautions. And know it’s better to be alone and safe and happy than with someone just to say you’re with someone.
All of the above, and I second these in particular:
-You just can’t control when you’ll run into someone who is compatible with you, and who happens to be single, and who doesn’t happen to be moving to Zimbabwe tomorrow. You know what I mean? Kate said it well with her post about Dumb luck: http://kateharding.net/2008/02/14/valentines-day-repost-on-dumb-luck/
-Given that you can’t control it, it’s just much more satisfying to work on things that are more responsive to your will – education, artistic development, nurturing connections with your friends – cultivating your personhood. Because, what else is there to do?
-You are a lovable human being. You totally are. The fact that lots of sixteen year olds are making out does not change this. The fact that your make-out partner is taking his (or her) time showing up does not change this. Nothing changes this. Even if someone were to tell you the contrary, they’d be wrong. You are a lovable human being.
Also,
-Flirting and dating do get easier with practice. But what people often mean when they say that is, “Eventually it’s easier to have confidence doing these things without being attached to any particular outcome.” Like, sometimes the dates aren’t fun, sometimes there are unrequited feelings, sometimes flirting totally misses the mark and things get all awkward. But these things happen to everyone, regardless of size. And if they happen, they still don’t change the fact that you are a lovable human being.
I’ve been there–not exactly where you are, but my first experience with kissing someone who was actually interested in me when I was 18. I also thought I was hideous; being fat and dark while surrounded by beautiful, skinny blondes can do that to you. I didn’t go to either of my proms because I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go with me, and they didn’t allow people to go stag. (In retrospect, not going to prom was not a big deal, no matter what anyone said at the time.)
Then I moved to Iowa.
The first few weeks I spent almost entirely alone–I had a few acquaintances, but didn’t have any actual friends. It was hard, it was lonely, and it was glorious. I spent those weeks doing exactly what I pleased, when I pleased. It was a healing experience, and when I was ready to be with people again I found my way to those acquaintances and started making friends.
And then I accidentally stumbled into a community of people who looked at me and not only said “not hideous” but “beautiful”! I was floored.
The thing that really got me was the discovery that *everyone* feels silly, awkward, and shy. Even the most well-balanced and confident people I know turn at least a little into goo when they’re dealing with being interested in someone.
I think the thing to figure out is: who do you want to be? What do you want to be? Romantic relationships will come as long as you’re open to the possibility (and not saying, “oh, he couldn’t be interested in me, I’m too fat”). Your job right now is to try out things, try on possibilities for what you want to be and how you can get there. Do you want to be the mysterious girl in the fedora? Do you want to be the writer who sets the world aflame with her prose? Do you love math, science, teaching, philosophy? Have you ever longed to live in a big city, or in a tiny town?
You’re at an exciting and terrifying and difficult point in your life. And to be honest, not being in a romantic relationship is its own kind of freedom. Focus on what really matters to you. Everything else follows.
It sounds from the other comments you are not alone. And I’ll add my story to the list. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 32. Same for the virginity. I went on a lot of first dates and never got a second. I blamed it on my weight. It was depressing and made me depressed. I’m sure the depression didn’t help my dating status at all.
I know telling you not to worry about it isn’t helpful. But this isn’t something you want to rush, it isn’t something you want to just run into without being careful. You want your first boyfriend to be worthy of you and you want to make sure he’s worthy of being your first kiss and whatever else you’re ready for, because when you think about your first kiss you want it to be special. You don’t want to think back to your first kiss being with some guy who’s tongue was all over the place freaking you out. (yup, that’s my story!)
You are not alone, finding someone takes time. But you will find someone, and you’ll be nervous and scared and uncomfortable. But all of that will be exciting and new for you when it happens. If the guy seems worthy of the knowledge that he’s the first kiss, tell him. Just say you haven’t had a lot of experience with dating, and you’re nervous. If he really likes you, he’ll make it special, and he’ll understand and it’ll be great.
Internet dating is a double edged sword. It’s a great way to meet people, but it’s also a minefield of jerks. Whatever you do, be honest both with yourself, and with anyone you talk to, but don’t expect everyone on there to be honest. There are a lot of sleazebags.
You’re OK, you are beautiful, you deserve to find love and you will. Just enjoy who you are, and where you are in your life. And if you’re having fun and happy, you’ll attract people worthy of you.
Yay internet dating. I met my boyfriend on OkCupid. We’ve been living together for 2 years now.
Also.. I just wanted to say… and I know that this is SUPER personal. Masturbation is fun and healthy. /comment
Oh yeah, just a note to add to my above reply: Even when you have self-confidence and experience, you can still go through “dry spells” of sorts that have nothing to do with you. Like others have said, it’s just happens like that, and all you can do is be patient and know that things aren’t static in life.
My boyfriend is someone I’ve known for almost 5 years. We’re part of the same local gaming community but we never were more than acquaintances until last October, when I bumped into him in a coffee shop and ended up chatting with him for 3 hours in there. Before we starting seeing each other, I had gone through a six-month dry spell, despite being on okcupid and occasionally going on dates. I don’t know why we waited so long — guess we had to see each other in a different context without our friends surrounding us!
My previous long-term boyfriend I met through phone personals (and our relationship lasted 10 years – it ended simply because we changed a lot through our twenties, but simply not in the same direction). Oh, and I was his first girlfriend (he was 23 when we started dating). His extreme shyness didn’t help him (I had to make the first moves with him).
I remember when all of my friends were hooking up and having sex, and I hadn’t even kissed anyone yet. I felt very lonely, like I was left out of a club.
The nice thing about your age, though, is that you’re not in high school. You and your friends have so much more to talk about than just relationships and kissing. You’re doing more interesting things, have rich interior lives. There is no reason that you have to feel left in the cold because they’ve experienced something you haven’t. (You’ve also experienced things they haven’t.)
Unless, of course, all these friends talk about is their love lives. Sometimes this happens – our culture teaches women that romance is the great big adventure you to get have, the main narrative that ought to surpass all other stories of your life. This is so not fair to life – like I said earlier, you are a way more interesting person than who you have or have not kissed. If part of the trouble is that you feel that the conversational focus is on relationships, then remind yourself – and them! – that after everyone vents a little about their love life, there’s so much more to say.
That might help make things more comfortable with your friends. It doesn’t solve the discomfort you feel about not kissing anyone – but nothing can do that for you but self-confidence (as so many women have written beautifully above). A kiss won’t fix it – a kiss is no cure, and sometimes it’s a wound. But loving yourself is the best way to avoid feeling lonely – enjoy being around yourself, doing the things that you do.
Oddly enough, this kind of attitude eventually leads to kisses.
I don’t have a whole lot of friends, and I spend even less time with them because I’m in college and I’m working as well.
Its really easy to say work on yourself and love yourself and all of that. Its an important thing, but it can be really hard. I was 22 and I hadn’t had a boyfriend when half of my friends were already in the “might as well be married” category. I’d never been asked on a date, and really I was convinced that I would be alone forever. This isn’t going to turn into some story where I find my true love though. I did the whole online dating thing, got a boyfriend, yay first kisses and all that. That lasted three whole months and I got another first which is first break ups.
Not that you should go out and get a boyfriend just to have one or anything like that. But unlike some of the other comment stories I didn’t have anyone else I’d seen who was over weight and in a relationship. So while I was trying to convince myself that I was okay just how I was it was hard because I had my brain saying nasty things like I’ll never have anyone. Now that I have had a boyfriend, I know personally that its possible and while I’m waiting for another I’m going to do what I want to do. Its very unfairly a real luck type thing, even with the internet matchmaking stuff.
People kept telling me it will happen, but they never told me I should be worrying about myself and what I want out of life while I waited. Now I’m taking the time to do so, and if a boyfriend happens at some point thats cool too. I may have to wait till I’m 50 (I’d rather not but if thats how it happens so be it) but I intend to be an amazing person in the mean time.
I’ve also been told that I’m intimidating sometimes. I have never figured out why exactly. I use to worry that I was scaring off guys because of it. But I figured if they were scared of me when I’m just being myself then I don’t really want to date them anyhow.
I want to add one more thing, which is that while I adore my husband and love being married, being in a relationship has also made me really appreciate the freedom I had all those years on my own, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss that sometimes. It really makes me wish I’d done more with that freedom when I had the chance. Right now, you’ve got the freedom to experience life on your own terms, without having to answer to anybody. I hope you’ll do your best to enjoy this time in your life and make the most of it.
Also, I think “fake it till you make it” is excellent advice.
Just as other people here have said – you are not alone. I am 28, I have been kissed one time in my life (and honestly, that was a disaster), and I am a virgin and have never been in a relationship. I have not chosen this – I would like to have a romantic partner. But, as someone said earlier, being in a relationship (or having sex, or being kissed) is not the most important thing in life. Yes, I miss it, a lot, particularly since most of my friends have boyfriends which means that although I am important for them, they are far more important to me because they are my main source of interaction and social closeness, while I am second place for them. But I have also learned that having a partner does not automatically make you happy – it can contribute to happiness if you have the RIGHT partner, but the right partner is hard to find for everyone, not just for you end people who get into a relationship for the sake of being in relationship instead of for being with a specific person usually end up getting hurt.
I also stayed away from dating for a long time, because in the past every single time I fell in love with a guy I ended up hurt pretty badly. In addition, I had this idea that love just “happens”, that they right person would just cross my way magically. This is not necessarily true, so I have decided to try online dating. In order to minimize the chance of getting hurt I stated very clearly that I am fat and told everyone who was not absolutely fine with that to just stay away. I don’t know yet if anything will come out of it, but I don’t have anything to lose.
Also, about self-esteem and confidence – don’t feel bad if you have low self-esteem. I have beaten myself up for not being confident enough, and honestly that’s just silly. There are a reasons if you are not confident around people – having been hurt in the past is one of them, and although you can tell yourself consciously that you deserve love and that everyone who hurts you on purpose is jerk, the fear of being rejected or even of deserving to be rejected does not necessarily go away, at least it usually takes some time. And although confidence and self-esteem help when interacting with others, people with low self-esteem DO sometimes find loving partners.
If this helps at all: I’m 27 and I’d never really dated or been kissed until I started dating my wonderful girlfriend this year. She’s 24 and I was her first too. So it can happen later in life. In a way, I think it’s better that it did for me, because I’m so much more mature and stable now than I was in my teens and early twenties. I know it can be lonely but just keep living your life and remember that you will meet people who are attracted to you, but you might miss the hints if you think, like I did, that nobody would be. Good luck! {{hugs}}
One more story.. I had my first kiss at 21. Before that I had never dated or kissed anyone. It tore me up inside because I thought it meant no one could love me. I had an idea of what my perfect life was supposed to be – I was supposed to be skinny, I was supposed to have a boyfriend, etc. I think the stories here demonstrate that that story is a lie. There is no one way to be human. Try thinking of dating/kissing expectations like expectations for skinniness. You are beautiful the way you are. And you are in the place you are meant to be right now. To finish the story, I fell in love before I kissed someone. It happened under my radar, I wasn’t expecting to love her (because I was supposed to love men), but I did. Our relationship didn’t last forever, but it taught me a lot. Good luck, friend.
What G said — with a couple of differences from what most are saying here.
I started having relationships with boys when I was 15 and 16 — in part from that “so few boys like me that I’d better not lose my chances with the ones that act like they do” — and if I had known then what I know now, I would have waited another 10 years.
(And there are days when I still don’t want to be bothered. ;-))
Because boys are not always so nice. And they want what they want. And they will take advantage of your innocence — in terms of relationships with the opposite sex — to get it.
(And your friends — who may or may not be telling the truth about all these so-called relationships they’ve had; you don’t necessarily know, BTW — are not always either willing, able, or in a position to help or protect you.)
A lot of people have offered a lot of good advice here about doing what’s right for you — like focusing on your studies, and what types of things you like to do outside of school — for yourself, before trying to think about you in a relationship.
You’re 21. I’m sure that seems like old-hag-of-the-world territory, but it’s really not. :D
And Mo’s right. Check into talking with a therapist. Sometimes your life just needs an editor, you know?
*hugs*
My take on this is a smidge different.
I don’t ever tell young women eager to date that it’s confidence that makes men go weak in the knees. If it did, Janet Reno and Madeleine Albright would be pinup girls.
If anything, I think a confident woman scares the bejesus out of a lot of guys. From what I can tell, masses of dudes want their women to be anxious, insecure and very eager to please. Sexual allure and confidence aren’t the same thing, anytway.
My advice? Suspend your efforts to attract a mate and figure out what you’re passionate about. When you discover what it is that makes you really happy to be alive, figure out a way to do it as much as possible. Get the training you need, the depth of understanding you want and then get out there and make a life for yourself.
When you are energetically engaged in your life, you’ll likely encounter other people who share your values. Relationships forged between people of shared values are typically the relationships with staying power and lots of kissing.
(Oh, and count me among the posters who didn’t get physical until after college.)
anytway = anyway.
Ha! First, you’re awsome. Second, I’m 25 and have no romantic experience whatsoever and mainly for the same reasons as you so don’t feel alone. Third, I would looove to ‘talk’ to you cause my friends are like you’re friends too so if you are willing to my mail is (remove the extras) haxabubblaATyahooREMOVETHIS.com I’m almost glued to the computer so just write.
So much good advice here- I think the coolest thing is that there are so many happy fat folks here who have come by their happiness in different ways and different times! It can happen- and a big FU to everyone who’s giving you a hard time.
I want to share my experiences, and of course YMMV:
I think the thing that helped me most when I was in my teens and twenties is that I found a group of friends who were mostly older and more emotionally mature. They gave me a lot of support during the hard times of being a young fat girl- they told me how pretty I was, they gave me fashion advice, and they took me on trips and sleep-overs.
This older group also brought me into contact with older guys who actually thought I was cute and sexy, which was a huge self-esteem boost- but my circle of older friends helped protect me against any skeezy cradle-robbers.
I found this group by getting involved with a club at college – and a very geeky one! It made all the difference to find people who were a) smart and funny, b) not so concerned with the beauty-standards of the rest of the world, and c) a bit proud of being outsiders.
If you have any interest , check out a sub-culture like Sci Fi, Renn Faire, Medieval re-enactment, or Role-playing games. You just might find “your people” there- people who think you’re cute and funny and smart and even hot, and give you a safe place to discover yourself and your self-esteem, away from the judgmental assholes.
Dressing up in a princess dress or role-playing a sexy pirate can do wonders for a girl’s self-image, at any size!
I’ll be 21 in a few weeks, and I’ve never been kissed. And I’m very happy with that!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m dying to be kissed, but I don’t want to be kissed by just some random guy who wasn’t special. (I’m saving my first kiss for a very important man–my husband!– but that’s besides the point…)
It is hard to have your peers make you feel bad that you don’t have any experience, but maybe you should think of someone who matters more, such as a future boyfriend or even husband. Is he going to wish that you had experience with a ton of random guys?? I don’t think so.
You should start to look at your situation in another way. Be proud of yourself! You might feel “weird” that you are different, but really, you are special!! Someone to be treasured!
Like others have said, I would focus not on finding a guy right off the bat, but on learning to love yourself. As Cindy noted, there are plenty of guys out there that are actually looking for someone timid and insecure…and those are not the guys you want. A man who is going out of his way to look for timid and insecure is more likely to be looking for a victim than a partner and what you want is a partner.
Unfortunately, there is no magic formula for making Mr. Right (or Ms. Right, for those who prefer) appear. There is no way of guaranteeing mutual attraction or the willingness to act on it.
That’s why it’s so important to learn to be good company for yourself and how to cope with life on your own. Therapy can be helpful for some. If that’s not something you feel up to exploring or comfortable with, then start with baby steps and learn to run in your own time. Right now, go do something you like just because you enjoy it. Give yourself a treat because it will make you smile. I don’t care whether it’s a great pair of shoes, a massage, a meal in a really terrific restaurant on your own, curling up with a bowl of ice cream and a movie that always makes you laugh, or signing up for guitar lessons just because you’ve always wanted to learn. Do something for you right now. If it’s something you’ve been denying yourself because of negative thoughts, so much the better.
Your weight may have made an easy target, true, but it’s not the problem. No matter what you look like, someone out there will have an unreasoning hatred for it. I’m not saying that to excuse them or to tell you that you should feel bad about it all, but because realizing that everyone else is dealing with their own negative thoughts and that some of them choose to do so by projecting them on others can be a freeing realization. Once you realize that no matter how much you weigh, what color your skin is, whether or not you can walk, what accent you speak with, which gender you present, or how you dress there’s someone out there ready to ridicule you not because of how you should feel, but because of how crappy they feel about themselves and their need to spread the crappy feeling, it becomes possible to tune out their negativity.
Some guy has to yell at me about how ugly I am while walking down the street? So what? I don’t have to believe him. In fact, I can feel sorry for him. Someone doesn’t want to kiss me because of the size dress I wear? Okay. I wouldn’t want to kiss someone that freaking shallow.
I won’t lie to you, this is hard work at first. Overcoming such a negative self image is going to take time and effort and repeated backsliding. On the other hand, the journey is more than worth it. Whether or not it results in marriage is something nobody can predict, but I can damn sure tell you that loving yourself is its own reward.
I’d also absolutely echo Swellenor’s advice to give a try to conventions for things that interest you, and slightly outsider activities (but only ones you want to try out). These can be great places to build yourself up in your own mind and heart. Play dress up a bit. Whether it’s the latest in Klingon fetishwear or going to the swankiest store that carries your size, it can be tremendous fun to play around with your image and see just how beautiful you can be.
Besides, you never know who you’ll meet when you go out to play alone. In fact, that’s how I met Mr. Twistie. He was working at the Renaissance Faire. No, we didn’t click right away. In fact, it took five and a half years and his disastrous first marriage before we actually noticed one another in a romantic way. I was twenty-four when I gave him my virginity, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have shared that with.
Don’t be in a rush to be with someone just to be with someone. Be with you for a while so you can be ready when and if the right person comes along for you.
This letter makes my heart hurt, because it sounds exactly like me. :(
I literally am where you are. Like, same age, same situation. Never really been kissed. I had one boyfriend for a spell in high school, but we never really kissed. I mean, never REALLY kissed. It was because I was embarrassed. Embarrassed by how I looked. Embarrassed by how little experience I had. That was it.
Not until very recently did I start having more confidence in myself, and thus far, I’ve found myself feeling better, looking better, and being complimented more. I know that you don’t just want to hear “be more confident!” because it’s not that easy. You have to do something to make you feel confident.
To be honest, for me it was getting a bra fitting at Lane Bryant. I went in, and got fitted, and my boobs look incredible. Like, biiiiig change. I know it sounds superficial, but it gave me so much more confidence. I feel like it gave me more of a positive shape, both in clothes, and out of them. And it gave me more confidence.
I’m not saying that would necessarily be it for you. I think you should find something, try some new things, and see how you feel afterwards. Sometimes just a new haircut, a new shirt, making a new friend, things like that can give you a little bit more confidence. And if you ask me, I think that confidence is what men really find attractive in women.
So try some things! And know you’re not alone. Yes, I’m still 21 and never been kissed. But I’m noticing that not only do I feel better, but guys are looking at me differently, and I’m getting compliments from my friends about how great I look.
Good luck! I know you are beautiful. You just have to show the world that YOU know that too…
Low self-esteem is funny…
Some women who feel bad about themselves have a hard time going out and meeting people and they are virgins into their twenties and onward.
Some women who feel bad about themselves rush into sexual relationships over and over again in order to feel good about themselves.
Which is healthier? Some would say the first option, some would say the second option.
You know, there’s a lot that main stream society says we have to have in order to be happy. Sex is one of those things…specificially…sex in a monogomous long term relationship. Eventually you’re supposed to have babies and a house in the suburbs with all the latest technologies.
According to some people…thinness gets you this all American heaven…
But you know something…those things don’t make you happy really. There are lots of people who have all of those things and are very unhappy.
I got married at 21 to the first man who I ever had sex with. I was 19 when I lost my virginity…and he was my first “real” boyfriend. I got married becausee I felt that beggers couldn’t be choosers and at least he liked me even though I was fat.
A year and a half after my weddinng later, I was contemplating suicide because of the level of emotional abuse being inflicted on me.
If I had waited and concentrated on my schooling (he managed to convince me that I was too stupid for college and encouraged me to drop out) I could have saved myself a lot of pain and be further along in my schooling.
I’m in a good, supportive relationship now to someone who loves me no matter what but I’m in this relationship because I value myself as a person.
At this point the person who should be your priority is you. Go out and have fun and don’t worry about your weight. There is more to you then what your dress size is. You’re going to college and you’re living your life…have fun with that and worry about bringing someone else into the picture only because you want to…not because you don’t want to be alone or because everyone around you has someone else.
can i just say that as a 23 year-old virgin who can count her kissing partners on one hand, these comments have been a joy to read.
i think that it took me a really long time to realize how easy it is to NOT date or have sexual experiences. it seems like something everyone just somehow manages to fall into by the time they’re 18, but…it’s totally not that easy. i actually have pretty good self esteem. i’m a good looking girl, and i’m smart as hell, but i didn’t really date in high school and i definitely didn’t date in college so…here i am at 23 trying to figure out how to date without the social net of a school. and it’s really really hard, and i dont anticipate it getting easier any soon.
what i’ve decided to do instead is start doing things that make me happy INSTEAD of dating. going out in the city, volunteering, etc. and i’ve been trying to make girl friends, since i think that female companionship would be way more helpful and supportive and AWESOME for me right now anyway. but i think the important thing is to get involved with something, DO things. not only do you meet people (perhaps a potential kisser?) but you feel better about yourself, more purposeful…
socializing isnt all about kissing or sex. it’s about experiencing the world and becoming a bigger person, alone.
I just wanted to quote Cindy’s comment because I loved it so much. In fact, I’m loving all of these comments. You guys are amazing.
Having finished reading over every comment, I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone for being so supportive and nice. I really haven’t had much positive encouragement in my life and it feels so good to know that there are people out there who have had experiences like mine and that I’m truly not the only one.
For so long I’ve thought that I must be the only girl my age out there like me because I have only been surrounded by my peers telling me about their amazing careers and love lives. I’ve never really met someone like me and so I’ve just isolated myself from everything, thinking I was just some freak of nature and that I’m worth no ones time. Your comments and suggestions brought tears to my eyes and I can’t thank you enough. To hear so many positive comments and suggestions is truly going to help me take that first step to being a better me and improving my confidence.
I know a lot of people on here have made suggestions about picking up some hobbies and doing things I love. I love music and attend as many local Seattle concerts as humanly possible, but somehow I would think social interaction in the middle of a mosh pit would be impossible. Haha. But either way, for now, like some have suggested, I’m going to focus on my studies and spend some time figuring out what I truly want to do with my life…even though the thought literally scares the hell out of me since I’ve been so afraid to venture out and put myself out there.
I want to thank everyone again for taking time out of their day to give me some real insight and suggestions that I would have never thought of before. It really makes me feel like I’m not some insignificant waste of space in the world. I know I will have trouble on the path to accepting and loving myself, but it brings so much comfort knowing there are so many wonderful people here to pick me up when I fall. I cannot thank you enough.
*greatbighugehugs*
I made a post over at my blog in response because…well. You’ll see. I tend to ramble a bit more than comments can handle :D
Anyways, I second the things here, especially what shinobi42 said. I thought about sticking that in my blog post but there are delicate young man-flowers who read my blog and I think one of them might die of utter humiliation if he had to read about my vibrators.
That is all.
Oh, one more thing! *love love love to you, Ambular!*
I’m another “late bloomer” (as they used to call them when I was younger) who was sure she was so awful that no one would ever want to go out with her. Sure, it took longer than I would have liked, but I made a huge mistake there thinking that because things were like this NOW, they would always be like this. Things change.
And in retrospect, I am grateful that I waited (or that waiting was thrust upon me). I never learned any of the bad dating habits I observed in the girls around me – by the time I dated, those behaviors all seemed silly and counterproductive. I’d had a lot of practice being myself, and couldn’t imagine being anything else in a relationship.
As for meeting someone like you…sometimes you really ARE in a situation where there isn’t anyone like you. That’s when you have to make your own fun and hang on until you can change your situation. Again, in retrospect, I realized that the reason I didn’t have much luck in high school wasn’t just my own esteem issues, there really wasn’t anyone like me there.