Our 14-Year-Old Responds
We posted her question and answered it right here, and Shapely Prose got into the act right here. The original e-mailer has written back, and I’ll let her speak for herself.
Wow. I don’t know what to say. Usually when I reach out for help I don’t get a response. But then I went to the bfd blog and Shapely Prose and it was like “HOLY SH*T!!!” basically. I read through them and after a while I started crying (boo! I’m such a crybaby…) I mean…never before have I felt like someone UNDERSTOOD. I could FEEL the connection between myself and those who replied. It was overwhelming.I felt so happy.And I feel so hopeful. I think I’m going to reread some of those posts everyday.
After all that reading and thinking and FEELING…I looked in the mirror. There she was pimply face, uneven skin-toned, muffin topped me. I grabbed my belly and gave it a squeeze. It was very soft and warm and for some reason that made me smile XD. I poked at all the flaws on my face a body and frowned at my oily skin and picked at my dark spots. I still don’t like those parts. BUT I have a GREAT ass, and soft hands and skin and beautiful hair. I have gorgeous brown eyes and pretty pink lips. I realised that all of my flaws were being MAGNIFIED by my perception on beauty through the industries eyes.
Now when I look in the mirror I think, “Hey, You’re actually kinda hot!”
So what if I’ve got a tummy pooch! So what if my nose is a little too big. So what if my legs jiggle when I walk, and my thighs rub together whenever I move. I’m 14! I’m young! What am I doing thinking so negatively!
Now…I know this little high of mine won’t last for long…Sooner or later I’m gonna look in the mirror and think I look like I’m 8 months pregnant. But…then I’ll read the bfd blog replies again and remember how beautifully DIFFERENT I am.
Miss mo, I think I’m on the way to loving the girl in the mirror. I think I’m ready to make her my new best friend. I’m ready to accept myself. I’m ready to OWN myself.
I think I’m ready to be happy!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you soooooo much! I think you posting my email on your blog has made a major impact on my life. Actually…I think you posting my email has STARTED my life! (Hehe! I feel so happy!!)
The industry doesn’t own me anymore! I’m free! All those girls in my class who gossip about me can shove it! They’re no better (or worse) than I am. I don’t think I’ll ever look at them as the “popular” ones or the “beautiful” ones anymore. Cause their views of themselves are just as f*cked up as my view of myself.
I can’t wait to go to school tomorrow! ‘Cause tomorrow I’m not gonna think “People think I’m ugly therefore I’m ugly” tomorrow I’m gonna walk in that school and think “Hey, I think altogether I look pretty good , so those kids can either accept it or kiss my (fine!) ass.”
Thank you Miss Mo Pie and the BFD blog. I think I’m starting to “like” myself
:)
Now when anyone asks “why did you start your blog?” I can just point them to this entry. Thank you to all you wonderful people for commenting here (and a certain BFDiva who shall remain nameless, who has purchased a gift subscription for our 14-year-old to Bitch magazine).
We made a difference.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Feel Good Friday, Kids, Meta, Personal
Dammit, why couldn’t this blog have been around when I was in high school and needed a subscription to Bitch Magazine? Although, given my mother’s reaction to my Blue Oyster Cult CD, maybe it’s all for the best.
This is probably the best thing I’ve ever heard. Go anonymous 14-year-old! Go take over the world!
Thank you for posting her reply. I love you BFD, I love her for writing, and I love everyone who commented here and at Shapely Prose. All of you have proven that there is good in this world. I’m going to go cry now.
the minute i took to read this completely made my day … no, week. maybe month, or more? it’s things like this that convince me the world isn’t going to hell just yet. i feel a sudden urge to go dance in the street. see ya : )
Oh, this is the most amazing thing! I am so so happy that it’s made such a difference, and WELL DONE, anonymous 14-year-old!
Ooh, it’s made me all tearful now, in a good way.
Good for you, 14 year old girl! You go! :)
Thanks for posting this, mo pie. I was wondering if she’d write back. ^^
OH MO how bloody incredible is this :) Happy days…
That made me cry, but in a good way!! Way to go 14 year old girl!!!!
That is so amazing!
Sweetie, if you’re still reading (and I hope you are!) let me say, congratulations. You are going to grow up into a kick ass woman, because you are already a kick ass teenager! Hope you’ll stick around here and the other blogs you’ve found as well, and join in the discussion.
That gave me major warm and fuzzies!!
To the 14-year-old: I didn’t initially respond to the entry (not because I didn’t want to, but because so much to say that it’d fill a book…). I’m glad that you already started to look at yourself under a more positive light. Even those popular girls have flaws of their own and insecurities…
You know what? I’m 32 and I don’t look that differently from when I was a teen (heck, I still get carded sometimes…). In fact, I’m even a bit bigger than I was then. But aside from a rather recent sense of style, you know what’s the biggest difference? Self-confidence. If you look at the world with confidence and you love yourself, you will glow and people will pick on it unconsciously.
Of course, it helps that we’ve got the Web with sites like this one for blah moments and that finding cool clothes that fit well is easier than it was… ;)
Good luck with everything, and indeed, read this site and the other fat-acceptance sites whenever you feel a sense of insecurity creep in. :)
In RL, I’m speechless. I’m floored by this, by this wonderful girl, by what mo pie has helped make possible.
Sweetie, don’t be a stranger around here. ‘Cause even if you leave for a while, and start feeling down, *we’ll still be here*. Come around, let us support you for a while, when you don’t feel like you can support yourself.
Of course, we hope this happens less and less, and this ‘high’ you have becomes a permanent, new, *confident* you. :)
Reading this has really put a shine on what was shaping up to be a really crap-tastic day. Thank you so much for posting this. And thank you to everyone who responded to her.
This is so freaking awesome.
I’m so glad we made a difference in this beautiful little girl’s life. If we can get people, one at a time, to accept themselves, then I’m happy with that. Go everybody!
That is awesome! I’m so happy for this girl! Great job to everyone who responded to her and helped her see her beauty!
Awesome.
Anonymous 14 year old, you sound so happy and excited in your response! Totally different from your first email.
One thing I wanted to say is now that when you stop worrying so much about how you look, you can start using your brain power for more fun and worthwhile things. You are so much more than just your looks, and when you see that, you can love an enjoy all parts of yourself. Welcome to your awesome new life!
BTW, thigh-rubbage is not exclusive to people over size 6. Skinny people’s thighs can rub together too.
Thank you for publishing this letter, BFD, and thank you, 14-year-old girl, for writing it! You are going to go on to do great things with that attitude. Go for it!
And I just want to add to the love-fest by saying that this FA community is fast becoming a hugely important part of my life. I am so glad to have found you all. **hugs**
Awesome! 14-year-old-girl, I’m thrilled to read this. You’re a smart girl, too. And you know, by being happy and loving yourself, you may inspire the same attitude in someone else. Who can say what other great things you’ll go on to? Enjoy your life and your body!
Keep it up and carry it on! Point! :D
This letter made me feel good about myself too. ;) BTW: She also needs a subscription to Bust.
14 YO, thanks for responding…I think that a LOT of the bloggers in the Fatosphere wish we could go back in time and smack our teenage selves upside the head.
I recently went through some old pictures, and thought “you know, I really WAS pretty, long before I ever considered that being pretty was a possibility for me.” My only problem with those pictures now is the blue eyeshadow and bad perm. So that’s my advice #2: don’t give in to fashion trends that make everyone look bad. (There don’t seem to be quite as many of those now, although gaucho pants and puffy sleeves are somewhat alarming. At least the haircuts and makeup seem ok.)
Hang in there and be your beautiful, sassy self. Start a blog, and we’ll all be your cheering section! :)
I am so glad we (both BFD and SP readers) were able to come together and help this young girl. She is definitely on her way to great things.
“And a little child shall lead them…”
I LOVE you, Anonymous 14 year old! You have successfully dragged me out of my ‘woe is me’ funk and reminded me what I’m always telling people-who cares what other people think when YOU know that you’re awesome!! Rock on, sister!!!
Thanks for publishing both the original letter and the response. This totally makes my Friday. Even if I can’t go back in time and help my own 14-year-old self, I’m really happy that you guys can have such a positive impact on kids today.
-jm
* P.S. I second GoingLoopy’s comment about fashion trends. Frosted hair and blue mascara certainly didn’t um, help, my self esteem.
YAY!!!
Woo, boy. I teared up. 14 year old, you, dear girl, are made of awesome. Hold to that mantra every day..it’s a cloak of protection NO ONE can take from you!
Two things, Anonymous Literate Self-Aware Faboo 14-Year-Old:
- You ARE better than those nasty twats who try to make you feel bad about yourself. You know that only deeply insecure people pull that crap, and it’s not for you.
- Oily skin is your friend! It may not seem like it now, but in thirty years when others are slathering on the moisturizer and complaining about their dry skin, you’ll have a gorgeous complexion that NO amount of money can buy!
- Okay, make that three things: You are infinitely more than how you look. You are a brain, a sense of humor, a good friend (I just have a feeling about that one!), a citizen of the world. It says all kinds of EVIL (big word, consciously chosen) about the world we live in that physical appearance is the first thing that’s noticed about women of ANY age. Since the dawn of time, we have been so much more than that. Please, sweetie, take this in and know it down to your bones: you are a miracle; there has never been another person just like you; you are SO much more than a dress size or a number on a scale.
Okay, done now. Please come back and tell us how you are! ;D
people amaze me with their kindness.
I need to remember that more often.
linked to this today and my readers RAN with it as well.
now if we only all played as nicely in the real world huh?
C.
You guys rock! Thanks for helping her out! Big Fat Deal is good for the soulllll…
Awww. Yay!
I read through them and after a while I started crying (boo! I’m such a crybaby…)
Me, too! All it takes is a good episode of Little House and the Prairie! Good on you, Anonymous Fourteen Year Old. You rule!
*wipes eyes cuz I’m a crybaby too*
Can I just add to the list of wonderful qualities you have, 14 year old girl, that you are amazingly intelligent, insightful and just bloody well fantastic for taking all that fabulous advice and really processing it, really applying it. You are going to do great things in your life, really you are.
Dear Fourteen and Fierce,
I didn’t respond to your first post because I felt that there was so much to say I didn’t know where to start, and also, so many wonderful people were saying it for me.
But I’d like to say now that you have such maturity for your age. I wish I had known how to reach out, and better than that, hear what those I was reaching out to really had to say and take it to heart when I was your age.
You make me feel better about the future knowing that someone like you will be among the leaders. And though I’ve never seen your picture, I know that you are truly beautiful both inside and out!
Stay Powerful,
Rose
Man, that’s awesome! My eyes have gone a little damp…
When there are times I think the Internet has become hell in a handbasket, we have people who make it classy again. This girl is one of these people.
Go to school with your head held high and forget those gossipy beyotches and if they say something, give them the link to BFD!!!
Wow. I’m super excited she’s getting a Bitch supscription. My “little” sis (she’s a good half a food taller than me!) is fifteen, and I’m sending her to this site to read your response to this girl. It’s so applicable to EVERY teenage girl, and I wish I had Mo around to be my mentor at 14.
Woohoo! All kinds of awesome.
Is there any way I can get in touch with her? There actually *is* a very effective, inexpensive, home way to treat acne that actually works. No, not ProActiv, the expensive crap that often makes it worse. My son had acne, but there is a clear skin regimen (completely free advice by a guy who isn’t profiting from it but wants to help others who have it) using regular store items that truly truly takes care of pretty much any acne problems. Naturally her pimples don’t make her ugly - she’s a beautiful girl!!! But it is relatively simple to have fairly clear skin, it’s not unhealthy like *dieting* and it’s not expensive. Just requires a little time in the morning. Anyone know how I can help her out on that one?
I love stuff like this. I started posting FA stuff on my livejournal, especially with the post-newyear boom in weight loss posts from girlfriends of mine. I got a comment back from one of them saying linking to Shapely Prose, here, and the rest of them was ‘a revelation’ and she thanked me profusely for saving her sanity.
I’m a firm believer that if we just keep getting the word out, more and more, the joy and relief alone’ll start cracking the worst of them out there.
Anonymous fourteen-year-old Girl, you are beautiful and wonderful and mature for your age. You’ve found a peaceful place it’s taken many of us thirty or fourty years to find…and most of us lose track of it now and again, too.
Come back and visit anytime. We’re here for you if you need us, and I get the feeling that it won’t be long before you’ve got some good advice to give others, too.
In the meantime, take care of yourself and love that girl in the mirror. There’s nobody on Earth quite like her, and she’s absolutely worth it.
I am so proud of you! I didn’t respond earlier because others had summed up everything that I would say to you or to my younger self, but I want to tell you know that you are a truly amazing teenager. You’re obviously intelligent, insightful, and self-aware - far beyond most girls your age in my experience. Just remember that you are beautiful, and smart, and funny, and unique, and those are wonderful qualities. As others have said, check back here or at Shapely Prose or many of the other sites anytime you need to - we’re always here for you. In the meantime, keep on rocking!
What a wonderful reply!
I’ve been having a bad time for the last couple of days and reading this post has helped me to feel better.
Go girl!!
Congratulations, 14yo! I am unspeakably proud of you for achieving at the tender age of 14 what many of us in the FA movement still struggle with in our 20s, 30s, and later. You got it! You got how the change comes from within, and you flipped the switch as easily as flipping the bird at a fat-hater. I can’t guarantee that your life will be perfect from here on out (indeed, odds are pretty good that it won’t be), but you can bet it’s going to be better!
That is SO powerful. I almost cried myself!!
wow, i usually shy away from female health blogs because they harp on stuff that i am not really that interested in. But, this post has shattered that. wow. thanks.
This made me choke up a little. It’s so great that 14yo is learning to love herself. I wish the blogosphere had been around when I was 14, because I felt ugly and self-conscious and was sure I was the only one who felt that way.
Acne:
Dissolve some plain aspirins in a little witch hazel in a small container with a lid, paint it on the blemishes a few times a day. Don’t worry about the residue in the bottom of the container, it isn’t the important part.
NoneGiven, that helps with occasional breakouts, but for long-term treatment of acne, there’s only one thing I’ve ever seen that truly works. (Even people who needed oral antibiotics can sometimes stop them after implementing the clear skin regimen.) Of course nothing can be done about scarring, but anyway, here’s the link: http://www.acne.org/ I really can’t praise this enough. After paying a buttload of money for ProActiv and finding out it only made my son’s acne worse, we finally found this simple regimen, and within a few weeks - smooth skin. He also explains what to expect week by week, with week 3 sometimes seeing an outbreak, but less intense and of shorter duration. Dear beautiful 14 year old - I hope you’re able to give it a shot. And congratulations on the killer butt and pretty lips - hehe, those aren’t my strong suits, for sure lol.
Er, can I please add this isn’t a marketing ploy - the only reason he has his own products (as well as telling you good products you can buy in the grocery store) is because it works, and people were *begging* him to come out with product. (You can buy regular store stuff anyway; just that his is cheaper.) As a lifelong acne sufferer himself, he was also trying to improve on the products that were available in the market, and to make them available at better prices. But anyway, his story, videos, etc. are all on that site.
Awesome! Awesome, awesome, awesome!!!!!
Wow.
That response totally made me cry. All I could think was, “This is exactly why I’m here!”
It’s beyond awesome :)
I never once had a day like that when I was 14. You’ve just done at 14 what it took me until 34 to accomplish. You totally rock.
Annie, I find skincare stuff with a bit of natural oils like avocado, jojoba or rosehip are fucking great on my own oily skin - it keeps it soft and from getting too oily, and for some reason my breakouts are quicker and less obvious.
Hon, you’re awesome for being so astute and insightful at fourteen. I’m twenty-three and nowhere near close to being that smart. And you know what? I inherited my mum’s skin, and I hated it when I was a teen, but my mum passes for someone ten years younger, despite spending so much time out in the sun unprotected. I keep up the sunscreen and just being dang gentle to my skin, and I’m finding that it looks fantastic now.
Oh my god, that girl is so awesome.
Oh. Wow.
Dear 14-year-old:
You said, “I think you posting my email has STARTED my life!”
But YOU were the one who SENT the original email; so YOU started your life! That was an act of honest courage, to reach out like that to someone you didn’t know and ask for help.
I am 55 and I wish I had been as brave when I was a teenager. What hope you have revived here! Thank you so much for writing!
((hugs))
You know, 14 yo girl, when I was your age I always thought I was too fat, too ugly, that no one would ever like me and I fairly hated myself. Now when I look at photos of myself then I think to myself “Wow, I was a pretty girl then. Why didn’t I ever appreciate it? Why wasn’t I more confident?” There will come a time when you’re not so cute and young anymore, so don’t squander it!! Embrace your adorableness.
And I just wanted to add in that it’s really true that life doesn’t end with high school. There’s a lot of living after you graduate and the things (and people) that agonize you now really won’t amount to anything once you’re out those doors for good. You won’t ever have to think about those snotty kids again if you don’t want to, and they really truly don’t matter. I promise. :)
Ms Mo Pie. You changed A life. and i am sure that bright girl is going to change many others with her attitude.
and you made everyone re visit their teenage in an empowered way so thanking you and sending you the bestest vibes in the world.
bec, I totally hear you, but acne isn’t caused by oily skin, it’s caused by bacteria. (Oily skin is easily treated with regular products.) The great thing about it is that acne bacteria does NOT become resistant to benzoyl peroxide - only problem is it’s marketed at the strongest legal strengths (such as stridex, etc.) which make the problem WORSE, and people don’t understand they also need to cleanse properly and to avoid undue stress on the skin, and to *moisturize* properly after using the antibacterial. The clear skin regimen is a FULL skin regimen that was developed by a severely affected acne sufferer - I discovered it long before he had his own products. He developed them only after BEGGING skin care companies to market their products in more affordable and effective means; and you can still certainly buy similarly effective skin care methods in the regular stores. Like I say he only developed his own out of necessity and incessant begging by people who found that it did indeed work without fail. His products are simply cheaper and come in greater quantities, because the commercial companies refused to provide them as such. I’m a born skeptic, and don’t recommend things lightly lol. It’s just that if the kid has pimply skin, she actually CAN do something about that with no risk, and at little cost. I find that being fat is of very little concern if you have glowing skin - and she truly CAN have that! To put it crudely, F*** pimples lol.
Thank you to everyone. Thank you to the folks who commented, to Mo for putting this up, and most especially to the girl who sent this in. I’m really glad that you feel helped by this, and please, please know that you’ve helped so many of us who read it - you’ve changed hundreds of lives at least (remember to count those of us who were too slow to respond to your original question!) You are powerful, and beautiful, and strong. Thank you for inspiring us with all of that.
This. Is. Good. Many, many more things can, will, and need to be said about what this thread represents but at the very heart? Good.
14 Year Old; You’ve taken a MEGA-HUGE step. One of many more too come but no Great Journey can begin without that first big step. Keep reading here and linking to other great blogs in the ‘Sphere to keep your head up on the days that are down. Learn, and keep any eye out for others who might need too. Think about how good you felt when you wrote that last E-mail. The only thing that feels BETTER is giving someone who’s stuck where you where that chance to feel like you do now. Stay happy with You and Pay It Forward.
Wow–to the 14-year-old who wrote in–you are clearly one kick-ass young woman. I hope you do continue to draw strength from these responses and remember just how awesome and beautiful you are.
Those of you who responded wrote some lovely, profound, true things and it makes me so happy that all of you took the time to provide such thoughtful responses. You all rule!
This made me cry but in a totally good happy way!
WIN.
Awesome. Just awesome. Just read all of this back to back and can’t stop grinning! This young woman is fantastic: smart, insightful, motivated, and willing to take control and work towards her own happiness in a way that some of us couldn’t do until we were twice her age or more, and some might never be! She has so many wonderful things ahead of her, I can’t help but be a little jealous!
And this blog and commenters, along with Kate Harding’s, are like the wonderfully smart and supportive friend or sister that we all wish we had!
This is why I’m so zelous about advocating Fat Acceptance. My mom gets rather annoyed, or thinks I’m getting myself too upset about the issues involved with this.
However, that this girl realized she doesn’t need to hate herself to be beautiful, that’s what this is all about.
One less girl who’s going to have Anorexia or Bulemia. One less girl who’s going to commit suicide because she feels nobody will love her unless she’s thin. One less girl who will not damage herself with diet drugs or WLS.
It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. That there is hope, that we can fight this discrimination.
As a seventeen-year-old who’s been lurking around the fatosphere since I read about it on the NY Times website, there’s a lot I’d like to say that I cannot put into words at the moment, but for now: tonight after reading this girl’s story and all the incredible comments surrounding it, I realized how much I like my feet, so I painted my toenails and am currently feeling gorgeous. It’s a start!
That’s not just a start, SLR, it’s a GREAT start. Welcome!
Let me echo others - MoPie? This is what these blogs exist for. To counteract the negative messages that are thrown at us ceaselessly and teach insecure people that they. are. fine. Sure, at 14 your moods go up and down like fireworks at a fairground, and of course she’ll have her down days too - but now she knows where to go to get lifted right back up! God bless her. And you.
SLR - welcome to FA!!! Unfortunately for me, I have big ol’ Fred Flintstone feet and cankles. But you know, I have people who love me, a husband who lusts after me, and when I bother with it, pretty hair (hair which used to be my bane because it’s inordinately CURLY and used to grow straight out from my head in an afro lol.) But I have soft skin, my husband loves to curl up into my very warm fat body at night, I have an intelligent brain, I have marketable and useful work skills, a good work ethic, a kind and generous heart, hella good knitting skills - hell, there’s a lot there to be happy about. On the health side, I’m not dying anymore (I was real sick for a long time), I have perfect BP, perfect blood sugar, and I’m alive. There’s too much to be happy about to waste time thinking about some ridiculous arbitrary beauty standard. You enjoy and pamper your feet, and start thinking about all the other things you have going for you - hell, you’re 17 and have a whole long and profitable life stretching before you! Treasure it, and don’t waste time on negativity, girl. You go!
yey ! -that’s wonderful - and everything is about making a difference right =)…
rock on
Way to go, 14-year-old! I can’t tell you how happy I am to read your words. You are seriously inspiring to me. With your self-acceptance, you will RADIATE beauty- and that’s not something that any amount of dieting, makeup or surgery can give you. I wish you every happiness.
That is the most amazing thing I think I’ve read in a loong, long time. You know what? Thank YOU, Ms. Anonymous 14 year old, for that amazing letter. Because that’s something I can look back and read when I’m feeling awful about myself (like today, when my skin is falling apart with zittiness and my stomach is pooching out madly). Your beautiful letter made my day, and made me feel so much better about myself. Thank you.
“The industry doesn’t own me anymore! I’m free!”
Oh man, I totally lost it when I got to this spot in this young woman’s response. I’m still wiping away tears and thinking to myself, “My God, maybe we really will see a day when all 14 year old girls can feel this good.”
To The Young and Beautiful 14 Year Old Girl,
You are one of the many who are (thankfully) realizing that you are so much more than just your body.
The fact that you took the initiative to write that e-mail meant quite a bit.
I wish I had to more to say, but I’ve been left speechless, and in a good way.
Just remember that you are BEAUTIFUL, and remember that you are WORTHY, and that you are LOVED, and will always BE LOVED.
Sincerely,
Jen