Fat Is The New Queer
A while ago, Kaylin told me a story that really sticks in my head. She was out in the world somewhere and a little kid said something like, “Mommy, that lady is fat.” That happened to me once, and maybe it’s happened to you. My reaction was to flush with embarrassment and pretend I hadn’t heard it, while the child’s mother scolded him. Then she apologized to me, and I pretended I didn’t know why she was apologizing. It was a humiliating moment.
Kaylin’s response, though, to being called fat, was to turn to the kid and say, “That’s right. And you’re really little!” Just a straightforward agreement, delivered with a smile. She says she didn’t want the parent to scold her child; she didn’t want to make him think he’d said something wrong or bad. Because if fat is a simple, objective description, maybe it stops being an insult, right? It made me think about reclaiming the word, which I guess I started doing a few years ago, when I started Big Fat Deal. These days, my friends and I don’t shy away from calling each other fat girls. It’s almost become a statement of defiance, rather than a self-condemnation.
Helen Boyd calls the word queer “a beautiful threat, a defiant attitude, and a willingness to politicize all of the intersections of identity to challenge a world that wants us dead.” Maybe the world doesn’t want us dead (just thin) but I like the idea of using the word fat as a beautiful threat and a defiant attitude. And I think, whether a kid aims the word at us in innocence or some hateful asshole hurls it at us in disgust, Kaylin’s approach is a good one. What do you think?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Fat Positive, Fatism
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I kind of love that approach. The few times it’s happened to me and I’ve noticed it, my usual response is to just ignore it while thinking “Well duh, master of the obvious”, but I think next time I’ll make myself look them square in the eye and respond with a simple “Yeah, and?” I think doing that will not only take away the insult from the public, it would help take the sting away for myself.
I wrote a college paper once about the Hollywood Fat Person ideal. At the time, I wasn’t just fat, I was certifiably obese. My (thin) professor kindly suggested I tone down my language and use the word “overweight” or persons “of size” instead, but I didn’t change a word.
The word fat is often hurled as an insult. I think, the more of those who are fat use it as common parlance, the less it can be used by others to belittle fat people.
I totally agree with melinda, I really love that approach and mostly because kids don’t know what they’re saying is kind of embarassing or humilating, most of the time.
When that happened to me, I did the same thing as you, Mo Pie. I hope I have the courage to master my embarrassment and follow Kaylin’s tactic if it happens again!
Rachel- I want to know more about the paper you wrote!
That reminds me of stories I’ve heard of fat women who get asked, “When are you due?” because people think they’re pregnant. It’s never happened to me, but I would hope if it did I would just say, “I’m not pregnant. I’m fat.” Just act unashamed and maybe eventually you’ll actually feel unashamed.
Oh, I’ve had a well-meaning woman ask me when I was due, as well. It’s a mortifying experience, but I just quietly told her I wasn’t pregnant, just fat. She was horribly embarrassed. I actually felt a little sorry for her. I love the idea of being a “beautiful threat”! Maybe I’ll make that my blog’s new tagline …
A few years ago I was at a water park (yes, I live in the desert), wearing my new fire-engine red, size 32 bathing suit. A little girl, maybe 8 years old, nudged her friend and pointed at me and snickered. I didn’t say anything, just pulled down my sunglasses and pointedly stared at her until she looked away. Every time she looked back, I stared right back at her until she and her friend relocated to another section of the park. Rude little children are easily intimidated, I find.
The best reply I ever heard to, “How are you?” was an enthusiastic, “Fat and sassy!” I’m still using that one.
When I was heavier, people stared at me, called me fat to my face, and asked me if I was pregnant. Young relatives referred to me as the fat one in the family. Nice, eh? So much for “family values.” I was only a size 16 and still physically active. Just goes to show how threatening larger women can be to others. I got to the point where I would just look back and say, “Yes, I’m fat. So how’s your skinny ass?” The speed at which they would shut up was amusing.
But because of these experiences, I have a hard time reclaiming the word “fat” as something positive. I admire those of you who can, but it’s a tough one for me. So much spite, hatred, and derision has been packed into the word.
Have you read “Fat! So?” or any of Marilyn Wann’s fine writing? Google her. It’ll open your eyes to the beauty of the word “fat.”
Thank you for the reference, Brenda.