“My BFF Is Too Fat To Be My Matron Of Honor”
Do you guys remember the story of the fat bridesmaid who was going to be excluded from a wedding since she would “ruin the pictures”? Dear Prudence dealt with a similar question in Monday’s column.
Q. I Need Help: I submitted a question last week and so I am hoping to get lucky today. I am 52 and getting married in about six months (first), my best friend, whom I love dearly, is assuming I want her to be my matron of honor. I have not asked her because she weighs about 400 pounds. I hate myself for not wanting her to be in the wedding, because it would just break her heart. People stare at her and point as she is very short, so it looks worse (if we can say that). I feel awful, but I am just being honest. How can I handle this?
She’s my best friend! And I love her! Except not really! Here’s Prudence’s answer:
A: Since you’re just being honest, I’ll be honest, too. I find your sentiments repulsive. How sad that your best friend has a best friend who actually is one of those people who would mock and stigmatize her. It’s one thing if you conclude, “Hey, I’m 52, so I’m a little old for matrons of honor and all that frou-frou.” It’s another if you want to exclude her because she’d ruin your wedding photos. If you’re coming to me for a polite way to tell your friend she looks appalling, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Posted by mo pie
Email us
The writer should have sent her letter to Dear Abby. She would have gotten some pap about how it’s her special day so she can have any attendants she likes, but perhaps to spare her friend’s feelings she should couch it in a gentler way like “I’m just concerned that the stress of being MOH would be too hard on you physically. Maybe we should become diet buddies!”
Abby never fails to heap on the fat shame… the writer should totally know her audience!
Annie’s mailbox probably would have somehow told the “lovely” bride that she could choose whomever she thought would look best, too. They’re not as bad as Dear Abby, but the fat shame is there.
your answer? magnificent.
as a size 22 w: a bff for life that’s a size 4, i can tell you she would be absolutely appalled by this. i’m actually emailing her this link right now in hopes she will tell you herself how disgusted she is by this letter.
I’m the size 4 BFF. This is one of the most repulsive things I have EVER read. For reason beyond our control my size 22 BFF couldn’t be in my wedding and for THAT reason alone is why my wedding pics were ruined. I missed everyone of her beautiful pounds. I can honestly say it’s never occured to me to think of her as fat. I’ve been to busy thinking of her as amazing, beautiful, brilliant, and the other half of my soul.
I had a thin friend that behaved similarly to this. Only, every time we got in mixed company, she would make it a point to act snarky if any of the guys paid attention to me. In other words, how dare this guy flirt with my size-24 friend and not me? Needless to say, she’s no longer my friend. I dumped her!
Hah! I love the idea that the writer somehow picked Prudence because she knew she needed to get smacked down – Abby would’ve encouraged her, but some part of her conscience knew that she needed to hear this.
Sigh. Stuff like this makes me appreciate my friends all the more, and feel terribly sorry for the “BFF”s in these situations who get written about. How terrible to find out that your ‘friend’ is an asshold via an advice column.
I think that’s going to happen when my sister gets married. I’m nearing 400 pounds, and the only wedding I’ve been in was my own. I’ve always felt like I was too fat to be a bridesmaid, and so far, I’ve been proved right. :-P
My (very thin) brother and sister-in-law didn’t have any attendants, but I was perfectly welcome in the wedding photos…despite the photographer sighing and eye-rolling and putting me at the back with my other brother, who is also fat. Luckily the two fatties also got the tall genes so we were still highly visible!
I’m not entirely sure why, but of all the comments here, this is the one that makes me snarl “he did WHAT?!?”
We have all had douchey “friends”. That’s not a fat/thin/short/whatevs problem.
But if you’re *hired* as a *professional*, then your asshattery has to be pretty pronounced to roll your eyes and sigh at the family of the people who are helping to pay your bills.
Or, hey, maybe he assumed that you wouldn’t notice. *rolls eyes and sighs at photographer’s stupidity*
Reading over this, I think I’m more angry than you are.
I actually refused to be maid of honor at my best friends wedding because I was terrified of everyone staring at me and my fat rolls while I was up there.
That was back before I became FA and now I am a much happier person. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Go Prudence! This kind of crap drives me to drink. What is more important on your wedding day, to have the people you (supposedly) love nearby, or have magazine worthy photos? I have been in a few wedding parties where I was the fattest by a landslide, but clearly I’m fortunate to have friends who love me for me, not my body size/shape!
Annie’s mailbox probably would have somehow told the “lovely” bride that she could choose whomever she thought would look best, too. They’re not as bad as Dear Abby, but the fat shame is there.
Every time I read that question the one thing that bothers me is that the BFF is ASSUMING she will be asked to be the Matron of Honour. Why does she think that? Being the bride’s BFF does not automatically make her the MOH. Unless the two of them previously discussed it – even in a “if I ever get married someday, I want you to be my Matron of Honor/Bridesmaid/somehow involved in my wedding” kind of way – she shouldn’t assume she’ll be involved in the wedding at all. Also, the bride never once mentions possible ruined wedding photos as being the reason she’s not including her BFF. Yes, she mentions the BFF is short, weighs 400 lbs and people stare and point at her, but nothing about her ruining wedding pictures.
Dear person who sent this in,
she is not your best friend if you’re ashamed of her ruining your photos and wedding.
And? You’re a jerk.
I say take the Bride to a buffet, and soon she’ll match her BFF, and it will “balance the scales,” so to speak.
I’d like to protest your assumption that fatness is caused by what we eat. I share your outrage at the bride, but let’s express it in fat-poz ways!
That is sick. I was 36 weeks pregnant at a BFF’s wedding last fall. She pampered me the whole weekend (prenatal massage, wonderful hotel) and let me wear whatever I wanted to be comfortable. I think her words were “you could wear a trashbag down the aisle and if it makes you comfortable then it makes me happy”.
This woman needs to get real about her feelings toward her overweight “friend”. It is so sad.
I am the almost 400lb friend. My eldest sister (who has since passed away) told me that I could not be in her wedding because I was too fat and she wanted form fitting gowns. To add insult to injury, not only did my mother say that she was doing the right thing, the other girls in her wedding were not too thin. needless to say that I did not attend her wedding at all and our relationship never recovered. And even after, when i got married, I asked her to be my Matron of Honor. She was my sister after all.
Pingback: Body Loving Blogosphere 04.10.11 | medicinal marzipan
Geeze….if she is a friend who needs enemies.
Thats it! At my next wedding I’m totally not going to let my thin bff be a part of it, because she might look better than me and everyone will be looking at her and not me!
This makes me sick. I’m going to be a bridesmaid in my college roommate’s wedding next winter and the ONLY discussion of size was when I quickly mentioned that whatever dress she chose needed to come in plus sizes. That’s really the only time it ever needs to come up.
And in the browsing of sites I’ve noticed most bridesmaid dresses come in a pretty impressive size range. Like, everywhere from 0 to 30 with adjustments for maternity or modesty available.
Technically they go up to a size 30, but pretty much all of them run at least 2 sizes smaller than normal clothing. So basically, they go up to a size 24 or 26. And good luck finding any to try on in stores – most of the dresses are size 12 (aka size 8).
Can I just throw the other side out there (assuming there is one)? I have thought about who I would ask to be in my (non-existent as of yet) wedding and I always think it would be cool to have one person from each phase of my life. One of those friends is overweight and I honestly don’t know if I’d ask her, not because I care, but because I know *she’d* care. I know she’d stress out about the dress, about maybe going on a diet, about the pictures, about the flight, etc and she wouldn’t enjoy any of it. And because I know this, *I* wouldn’t be happy because I know she’s unhappy (and trust me, this goes on in our every day lives, not just special occasions). So, yes, there are some brides who are nasty and send letters like the one above, but on the flipside, there are some bridesmaids who would be happier to sit it out.
I also want to point out that I wouldn’t include some people because I know it would be a financial or time issue. I don’t want to make anyone miserable just to celebrate with me…
Oh geez. I vaguely remember hearing about this somewhere but I never actually read about it. This lady doesn’t deserve her friend. I’m glad Prudence handed her crap back to her, and I really hope her friend found out and kicked her snobby ass to the curb.
I find that I do not know this Prudence…but I love her
How awful that somebody who regards you as repulsive would mislead you into thinking that the two of you are friends. If somebody is truly your best friend and you are getting married, the appearance of your friend should be irrelevant. No wonder it took this woman so long to finally get married, because she is an awful person.
Prudence is not known for her fat positivity, and frequently comes down in the “tell her your concerned about her health” camp. This surprises me in a very positive way.
AAAAAAAAAAAAgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
“you’re concerned” NOT “your concerned”!
I can’t believe I actually typed that. O.O