Dating While Fat
An excellent post about being fat and dating at The Rotund, where a reader wrote in, “So, how do we open ourselves up to almost certain rejection pointed directly at weight, without sliding backward on the FA?” Marianne makes a bunch of great points, so I recommend reading the whole thing:
1. The best place to start with this: reminding yourself that dating is a crap shoot no matter what your body is like and anyone who jumps into that pool is also struggling to keep their head above water…
3. There are more people out there than you think who won’t care or who will find your body attractive just as it is. I think that scares people for some reason – this idea that people might actively like fat bodies. It gets written off as being a fetish but, dude, it is a preference… You have to accept that, yes, people will like you for your body and that it’s okay for that to happen, too.
Reading that post reminded me of a conversation that started here in the comments, when Jasmine said:
My mother walked in my bedroom while I was changing, I was completely nude. I weigh 280-295 pounds. I’m on medication for mental health issues that has caused me to gain a little weight. She said that I should be embarrassed because she “didn’t know that I was that big,” and that I need to do something about my weight. She’s also a huge fan of The Biggest Loser. I want to lose weight, not because I’m having health problems but because I want to get a boyfriend, and she’s on my case sometimes about my weight being the reason why I don’t have one.
Here is (some of) what we said to Jasmine:
mo pie: My first thought is, you do NOT need to lose weight to get a boyfriend. Visit the Museum of Fat Love, please!
wildcatjen: I second mo pie! There are so many good guys out there who will be attracted to you for exactly who and what you are! My reasoning is thus: why would you want to be with somebody who would only want you if you were thin?
Shannon: Thin or fat, you’ll find love and it will be the right love for you. Don’t change yourself in your search for love or you may find a love that isn’t made for you.
Katie: my mom used to make lots of similar comments to me like that and it’s hurtful. I was in my mid to late 30s before I finally told her enough is enough. Your mother doesn’t get to judge your body, nobody gets to. As for a boyfriend, I met and married my sweet husband during that one brief time in my 20s when I didn’t give a fig about what I weighed and I was just happened to be a good place in my life where I happened to be exercising more, though [not by any definition] thin. And it wasn’t just my husband, before we settled down, I was dating several different guys, I think it was the fact I felt confident for the first time ever, instead of a fat cow, even though the size was no different than anytime before.
It’s true that I worry about young single fabulous fatties putting themselves out there and blaming their weight when they don’t find Mr. or Ms. Right. Singletons out there, how do you do it, and where do you look? And how do you avoid getting into the “if only I were thin, I’d find a boyfriend…” mindset?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Sex & Romance
Oh! This is where I am now. However, I am at a good point in my life. I’ve discovered the FA movement and am becoming more and more comfortable with myself. As such I flirt A LOT more. And what’s crazy is…it’s reciprocated. By guys. All kinds of guys. I’m not currently dating anyone. And I still have days where I wonder why not? Or if I lost a little more weight would it be easier? Because while I’ve dated I’ve never had a boyfriend and I wonder sometimes. But mostly, right now, I’m having fun.
One thing that helps me is to look at all the thin women who also don’t have boyfriends. If size were the only factor at fault, Sex and the City (and a host of other “single lady lookin’ for love” shows and movies) would be completely unrealistic. It also helps me to re-read Camryn Manheim’s book. Her revelation that she was using her fat as an easy thing to blame when relationships didn’t work for other reasons really resonated with me.
As much as I love that FA groups exist, it helps, to me, to go out into the “normal” dating world, with a realistic picture of myself, and put myself out there. I get more interest than lack of interest, and not from creepy guys…just often guys that aren’t into what I’m into as much. Sometimes I feel like, by ghetto-izing ourselves, we convince ourselves that we have no other choice besides what is there…and that’s just not true. I feel like FA dating groups should be a crutch to get your confidence up, to practice, and if you find someone there, great…but it’s important to go outside of that realm too, so you don’t convince yourself that your only value is in this little niche group.
I mean, mathematically, the odds are minimal that anyone will find someone who is even mildly compatible, much less the love of his/her life. That it happens at all is amazing and a testament to how hard we all work at it.
There are more people out there than you think who won’t care or who will find your body attractive just as it is. I think that scares people for some reason – this idea that people might actively like fat bodies. It gets written off as being a fetish but, dude, it is a preference… You have to accept that, yes, people will like you for your body and that it’s okay for that to happen, too.
There is a big difference between preferring a fat body and fetishizing it. They both exist, and people should always be worried about a fetish like that. It is no different, in my opinion, than guys who prefer large breasts and those guys that have a fetish about it. I would say that the former have a “healthy” attitude about it and the latter do not.
My previous comment meant to have the first paragraph in quotes.
BTW, TsuKata, great comment.
I am about 280, and I have dieted down to about 180 in the past. This was the thinnest I’ve ever been, and bc I am lucky and am fairly conventionally attractive aside from my weight (not to say fat can’t be pretty, just talking about societal standards), at that size I was able to get dates pretty easily. And I still suffered mightily trying to find a decent guy!
I was average weight then, about a size 12, and it did not help me find a boyfriend in the slightest. I stayed at that weight for 2 years, dated a ton of jerks, and finally found a good one. And promptly regained all 100 pounds, haha. Lucky for me he didn’t care! We were together 2 years, didn’t end up working out, but after another 2 years struggling, I found a GREAT guy who not only doesn’t care about my weight, but can’t keep his hands off me.
He is big too, and sometimes I cringe at the thought of people staring at us in public, like “The Fat Couple”, but then I remember how happy I am with him and it doesn’t bother me at all!
And I agree with TsuKata–it’s hard work. If you’re really invested in finding someone, you need to do ground work. I joined match.com and went on a LOT of bad dates before I found my honey. The dates were with a wide variety of guys and none of them seemed to care about the size of my ass. Just be honest and get out there, is my best advice. :-)
I’ve spent more than my fair share of time moping around all single-like, convinced that my horrid ugliness was repulsing everyone and ruining my life. It’s an easy trap to fall into. But the last time I pulled myself out of it, it was due to the realization that I cannot meet guys if I do not… meet guys. Y’know. Leave the house. And go to places where people are. And meet those people.
It’s crazy, I know! But your chances of hookin’ up with someone are vastly improved if you put yourself out there. I forced my mopey ass out my apartment door and joined a gaming club, accepted every let’s-go-out-after-work invite from my female co-workers, and otherwise made an effort to locate people that I got along with. It was certainly no guarantee that I was going to meet a guy, but it was more entertaining than sitting at home vaccuming the cat hair from my couch. And hey, I made some friends! And I met some guys! And dated some guys! And dumped some guys. And moved in with this one guy that’s right awesome.
This goes for everyone, fat or skinny or short or tall or whatever. It’s not always easy to get into that place where you’re able to make connections with others, but it’s absolutely worth doing. The world is often not as hateful and harsh as one might think. Or maybe I’m just too cheerfully deluded to notice, ever since I managed to drown out my self-loathing inner soundtrack. Things feel so… bright. Hopeful. I keep positive people close to me, and I avoid the negative ones. Contentment with myself has transformed into something confidence-esque. And confidence is waaaaay attractive. :D
mopie quoted me in the post, and I realize I made a typo in my comment and just want to clear that up. When I met my husband, I was NOT by any definition thin, I just felt good about myself.
There are people who will reject you because you’re not thin, but you don’t really want to date someone who cares more about your weight than who you are as a person.
Katie, I updated the post to fix the typo!
Thanks! I try to read over my comments before pushing the button, but sometimes I get lazy or just do a bad job.
There are people who will reject you because you’re not thin, but you don’t really want to date someone who cares more about your weight than who you are as a person.
I love this comment so hard I want to make it Facebook official.
I have no other great insights. I’m single by choice these days (too busy and broke to put myself out there), but I never had a problem finding dates or, erm, “dates” when I felt like dating.
Correction — I did have trouble finding dates when I focused my affection on really jerkwadish guys who were caught up with image and only wanted to be seen dating “hawt” (read: thin) girls. And even then I dated one (off and on) for six months, before I realized I was too good for him and his double standards.
Let’s not pretend, though, that there isn’t an unpleasant side to the story. I gave up on on-line dating because Every. Single. Time. we got around to exchanging pictures, the dude I was having a lovely email chat with disappeared. I weighed about 220 at the time, not deathfat, but, you know, fat. And dudes just up and disappeared. It happens. Let’s not pretend like it doesn’t.
You are right, Jezebella, it does happen, potential partners will reject you for not being thin. I have some inside knowledge about dating, especially online dating and the number one most important thing for heterosexual men is a woman’s weight, the two most important things for heterosexual women is how much the guy makes and his height.
All of those factors are pretty shallow, but even though aggregated data says they are true, that doesn’t mean they are true for every person.
So while it’s true that most overweight women will get rejected more often, that doesn’t mean you can’t find the right person for you. Dating is really just a numbers game, not that knowing that makes it easier to put yourself out there to potentially be overlooked because of your weight.
I spent so much time carrying around secret crushes that I never acted on for fear of being rejected, then somehow I just found myself in a good place and dated lots of guys.
Take what I say for what it’s worth, I’ve been married for 14 years and shudder at the thought of dating, especially after seeing in the business side of online dating.
<iLet’s not pretend, though, that there isn’t an unpleasant side to the story. I gave up on on-line dating because Every. Single. Time. we got around to exchanging pictures, the dude I was having a lovely email chat with disappeared. I weighed about 220 at the time, not deathfat, but, you know, fat. And dudes just up and disappeared. It happens. Let’s not pretend like it doesn’t.
True. But I’m also not going to pretend I haven’t rejected a guy for what may be shallow reasons. Like, I dunno, he says his favorite book is The DaVinci Code. Or that he digs Nickleback. He deserves to find a girl for whom this isn’t a dealbreaker — or who shares his tastes, just as I deserve to find a guy who doesn’t think my weight is a dealbreaker — or who likes how I look.
Ah hell, I am html simple. That first paragraph was supposed to be italicized.
I wish that I knew what to say or add.
I met my now husband in Jan. 2000. We were both on match.com. I was very honest and up front with him and told him that I was fat, and holding my breath that he would not reject me. Surprisingly, he did not. We have been married almost 10 years.
Sometimes it is the luck of the draw, sometimes you find that person who has an open mind and heart. Sad that it took this being my 2nd marriage to find it. Trust me it was not there for me in my first.
When I look at my circle of friends, there is zero correlation between being of “normal” weight and having healthy relationships.
I’m sure there’s a very real statistical relationship between weight and dating success, but it’s something that shows up when you look at vast slews of data. Within a given social group–or campus, or church, or neighborhood–the relationship may be completely nonexistent.
All right ya’ll, I love the idea that of course I can find someone to date me regardless of my body size, but that just hasn’t been the case.
Confidence? I have plenty. I’m a musician and perform on stages regularly. That’s why I find the “you just must not have enough confidence” ploy obnoxious.
People looking beyond my body size? Righty-o. Maybe, but I haven’t found any luck with that yet. I live in a city where Thin is So In It’s Ridiculous (the hipster waif look is completely, utterly, and seemingly permanently in). I tried online dating and most guys blatenly put b.s. like “Only women who take care of themselves, please.” You know what THAT’S code for. I actually am a runner and could run miles around most of these scrawny guys online, yet they see themselves as taking better care of themselves than I do just because I’m a little extra.
I quit online dating because the constant rejection was starting to hang heavy on my soul. I had a picture of my face up, which I thought represented me okay, but even though I think I’m fine at 5’8, 210, with some leg muscles going on, I could see men’s faces fall when they saw me in person. We would have a wonderful conversation and they would inevitably never want to see me again.
(I did have a man who did want to date me on the condition that I would lose weight. You can guess how that immediately turned out, and after we stopped seeing each other I checked his profile and he added a clause that he takes care of himself, and would like his date to do the same. This from a guy who spends his entire life in front of the computer.)
I’m sorry to sound negative, but it happens over. And over. And over. I am 27 now and am starting to wonder if losing weight is what has to happen. I am successful, funny, educated, have a Master’s, have great hobbies, am extremely independent…but no.
The other answer might just be that I live in a city where being overweight is simply unacceptable. But do I really have to move to find a man who accepts me? It’s also interesting that there are some overweight men I’ve been on dates with, but they afterwards end up with skinny girls.
Sorry to sound so negative, but I’ve just had such a frustrating experience for years and wonder what the hell is the answer to all of this. I would love to know “the answer.” My problem isn’t that sometimes get rejected because of my weight. It’s that I always do.
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I think the key to online dating is a current, full-body picture on your profile.
It’s all a crapshoot anyway, but not having a body picture just wastes time and can result in disappointment when you don’t hear from someone again. It’s easy to say “I shouldn’t have to put up a full body picture because my body shouldn’t matter!”
I agree with that sentiment, but it’s sadly not the reality of online dating. Think of that picture as a screening process; guys aren’t required to be attracted to our fat bodies, and it’s a waste of both our time to ignore that some of them aren’t. Just my two cents!
This is clearly something we have all been struggling with. I would love to hear what a guy says about all if these comments. I have also had a negative experience and feel that most men only want thin girls. You should expand this post and write more- this is clearly an important problem that a lot of us have to deal with.
guys aren’t required to be attracted to our fat bodies, and it’s a waste of both our time to ignore that some of them aren’t. Just my two cents!
Bing! And as long as we remember the opposite — we aren’t required to be attracted to every guy who expresses interest. Once on OKCupid I got a message from a guy I didn’t really find attractive (it happens from time to time), so I ignored it as per usual. He sent me another message calling me a bitch and “overly-choosy” considering my body type, and that he was willing to overlook that which apparently made him some kind of awesome guy while I was just a stuck up harlot.
Well! That just about charmed the pants offa me, I tell you!
I talk to all kinds of guys, no matter what size they are (I’m a size 16). You have to go after what you want. If you’re attracted to someone, go talk to him. You don’t have to ask him out right away but just the fact that you’re brave enough to strike up a conversation is very attractive (and never underestimate the power of your smile). Most guys are just as nervous as we are. It doesn’t always have to be at a bar or club either, everyday places work great because it catches them pleasantly off guard. In my experience, they tend to respect that what you’re doing took guts and therefore won’t blow you off immediately (even if they’re not interested).
I’m not in a relationship right now but I’m having a great time getting out there. Sure I get brushed off sometimes but that happens to everyone. Don’t let that one possibility hold you back. Rejection (even constant rejection) is not the worst thing ever, giving up is.
I agree with meegs, the full body photo is a must with most dating sites. Be upfront about your size. Also try the plus size dating sites, you know the men on there are looking for fat women.
I was always up front about my size when I had online dates – and I was happy that I did so. That meant that the guys that I met LIKED the way I looked at the get go – and it made me far less nervous. While I probably didn’t get as many emails or winks as the skinny chicks, I never hurt for dates either.
Also, who cares if they were turned off by how big or small you are? And besides, why would you think that THAT was the reason they stopped talking to you? It could be that they were busy, got hit by a bus, or hated your hair color. And I can’t blame them – there are some guys (regardless of their size) that when I look at them, I would’ve passed too.
Pictures on online dating sites are a way to weed out people that you’re initially not attracted to. The good thing is that you can quickly move on, the bad thing is that you might be turning down someone that you actually WOULD be compatible with if you opened up your mind.
Also, I met my boyfriend last summer at 230 pounds. I’m 220 now and (obviously) still have weight to lose. He’s a VERY fit guy at just about an inch taller than me and 150. But you know what? We’re happy! And why wouldn’t we be? We’re funny, have intelligent conversations and awesome sex. We work out together, he supports me on my running races and I support him in his efforts to be healthier. We have so much in common that our weight difference doesn’t even tip the scales on incompatibility.
My advice is this: Be the person you want to be and others will want to be with you, regardless of what size you are.
I have a hard time dating, too. I don’t think it’s really my size that is the bad thing. (Although, I’ve had my fair share of a-holes that want me to lose weight for them but “for [me]”.)
While I was growing up, I had a LOT of hard things to deal with: drunk dad, abusive dad, biological father hated me, stepmother died, etc. etc. I have some serious psychological issues and I think that’s what a-holes can sniff out. A guy I dated once said to me “you are vulnerable and that’s why you’re easy” That has stuck with me to this day. Is that REALLY how guys see me? I never would’ve thought of it myself.
I think that ties back into confidence. What are you “showing” the world? Do you project yourself as a strong individual or do you seem somewhat timid?
I wish these answers and questions were simple. I’m sorry that they aren’t.
Bottom line: as long as we are proactive in life and dating, we WILL find someone. The trick is to not let it beat you up inside. <3
Really enjoyed The Rotund’s post about this topic, but I gotta say, I’ve rarely had a problem getting men…getting RID of them was the more common issue!
I’ve been in the vicinity of a size 22-24 most of my life (very painful for my mother when I was born)and while sure, there were guys who rejected me-or likely never approached me-because I am fat, sex and dating have rarely be difficult. Is it because I’m an overeater I excel at all things oral? Maybe…but it’s more about self-confidence.
BTW – to answer the questions I know are bubbling up…no, not all of my boyfriends/husbands were fat themselves(even lived with a male dancer…I managed to find the one who wasn’t gay!) And no, I did NOT give it up on the first date (unless I just couldn’t help myself, which usually only happens with baked goods).
Marianne gives awesome advice on her blog; if you’re actively looking, read it over twice…in fact, print it out and tape it to the full-length mirror you might be avoiding like the plague.
And if I could add to that list: Find your passion! Nothing is more attractive than someone who is actively engaged in life, and not desperate to fill the void with another person, which is something else many of us with facillating self-esteem do.
If you find something you’re passionate about (politics,travel,movies,learning pig latin, whatever)PURSUE IT! Chances are you’ll find someone else who loves the same thing you do, and poof you have a new friend…and maybe even a new toe-painter. Good Luck!
Sure you’re going to get rejected by your weight but if you use an online dating site that has the option of adding a profile pic, the best way to combat this is to put an accurate photo of yourself up. Then no one is going to contact you if they really don’t want to be with you because of that.
And if no profile picture is available, I think it’s acceptable to say something like “I’m fat, don’t contact me if that’s a problem”
Funny thing is, some men will be jerks no matter how much you weight. Im a size 6, and although I would like to lose some weight, I dont consider myself fat. Since January, I’ve been sort of dating/sleeping with this one guy. He’s VERY into fitness, and considers everyone that’s overweight to be lazy. Last week we went to sushi, and he got into this conversation about how the “ideal” size for a girl is 110 lbs. 115 at most, and that would be pushing it. Apparently the heaviest girl he has ever dated was 107. A HUNDRED AND FREAKING SEVEN.
Even if I had fit within that parameter, which I dont, I would have still been offended. I straight up asked him if he realized that the girl he was hanging out with was well above that number (Im 135lbs- 5’4″ in height). I also asked why he had approached me when I was obviously overweight for him. He replied with “well, you’re not that fat”- clearly indicating that I was somewhat fat.
I dont think I have ever felt so unattractive/fat/physically inadequate in my life. I hated the fact that he had that effect on me, but nevertheless, I spent that whole night feeling sorry for myself. But the fact that a man could make me doubt myself was too much for me to accept. I dumped him the next day. Via facebook message. He obviously did not deserve a call/face to face conversation.
I guess my point is that finding a guy that will love you for your size is something that everyone struggles with. And sometimes you will have to go through a lot of d*cks to find the right one.
I’ve never been on a date or had in my 21 years ever had a guy even show any genuine interest in me. While in college( I recently graduated) I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never going to get to experience what going on a date is like. It’s hard enough for me to make friends, I’ve been unsuccessful in the past four years, or even to go out in public. I feel that if I’m not even likable there’s no way I could be lovable.
My feelings about this issue mirror Kat’s. I’m 25 years old and the only really decent guy who has ever expressed any interest in me refused to date me because I’m fat and, therefore, ugly. Of course, he didn’t say that verbatim, but I got the message.
I’ve never been on a proper date, I’ve barely been kissed, and sex…yeah, no. Typically, the guys who hit on me are either completely disgusting personality-wise or they just want to have sex with me because they assume that, since I”m fat, I *must* be desperate and easy. The guys I’m attracted to like me as a person, but won’t go there with me because I’m not physically attractive. It’s infuriating.
I know that women of all sizes have troubles in the relationship/dating arena. I certainly don’t believe that only fat women get rejected by men. However, I do think that being fat in a society that, on the whole, values a particular body size does make it that much harder for women (and men) like me.
I’ve come to the conclusion that if I don’t lose weight, I’m never going to know what it feels like to be in a relationship, to be loved, etc. because, the truth is, even really nice guys aren’t going to look my way simply because they’ve been conditioned by society to not want someone who is my size.
1. What do you all think about the “dating” that is /isn’t happening on the show “Ruby”?
2. To all of you who have never dated, please please please take yourself to therapy – group or otherwise. Those things don’t happen because of how we look. Not dating comes from how we interact with people. Please let a therapist help you examine the ways you do/don’t make friends and more-than-friends.
I don’ think it’s fair to assume that people need therapy because they haven’t dated and that it has nothing to do with their looks. I’m 21, I’ve never dated, never been kissed, and I haven’t had any friends for a couple years now. I think the way I look has alot to with it. I’ve tried to strike up conversation with people, but it’s difficult when the other person wants nothing to do with you. This is especially true with guys; they’re just waiting for me to shut up so they can talk to the pretty girl next to me.
Despite the “OMG DATING AND SEX” message that culture in general gives us, there’s TOTALLY nothing wrong with being 18, or 21, or 25, or 30, or 50, and not making with the dating. We all move at our own pace, and the world’s pace moves alongside us. Sometimes shit just don’t align. It’s no one’s fault. And even in the highly unlikely event that you guys (Kat, Amanda, anyone else out there) are Medusa-esque eyeblights, that don’t mean squat. I have seen ALL KINDS of folk successfully coupled up and lovey-dovey, on points all along the attractiveness spectrum.
Kat, you seem to be going into situations with the expectation that you’re going to be rejected straight-out. If you go into it anticpating failure and giving off an aura of defeat, of course folk aren’t going to be interested. And yeah, if some dude WOULD rather talk to “some skinny chick”? Welp, next please! He is OFF THE LIST. Time to move along. If you treat yourself like you’re the hottest hottie in Hotville, then it’ll show on the outside. Fake it ’till you make it, if you have to.
Perhaps it’s also time to find a different venue to meet folk, too. Your standard mixer-at-the-bar-whatnot may not work in a fat girl’s favor (never worked in mine) but I’ve met gobs of dudes (of varying quality) when I’ve been out and about and hobbying it up. And I’ve gone ahead, sighed, and kissed some right nasty toads just to prove to myself that I COULD. I had spent years in online long-distance relationships, totally uncomfortable with myself and totally settling for crap… so my first forays into Dating Real Dudes In My City were… kinda awful. But I learned stuff! All kinds of stuff! Stuff that I have applied to later, more successful relationships. Don’t dismiss less-than-ideal guys. Sometimes your suspicions are true, and sometimes they’re way off base. Kiss that toad… possibly with a layer of protective clingfilm between the both of you, to stretch the metaphor a tad.
None of us are inherently unloveable. The world is huge, and life is mean. It’s an effin’ BATTLE, trying to partner up when you feel that you’re less than ideal. But if it’s a battle, it has to be fought, darnit.
Right on, Susan…
While I do agree that everyone moves at their own pace on social/dating issues, being a dating virgin WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO BE is something else entirely.
I know 400-pound women who have dated, had kids, been married more than once…and some who are just serial dating with no problem finding guys. I myslef have never been below a size 18 and have NEVER had a single problem getting men. I’m sorry, but the idea that your weight is the main reason you’re not dating, having sex, etc. when you want to be doing so is just ridiculous. Period.
My thought is that maybe it’s because YOU are the one being too judgemental about potential partners. I’m not saying you should date someone you are totally not attracted to, or who is hateful or mind-numbingly stupid, but in my experience, all the women I know save myself and my best friend are almost impossibly picky. For god sakes, give a guy/girl more than 5 minutes…they might surprise you. My wonderful husband sure did.
The assumption that the girls who commented aren’t dating because something is wrong with them mentally is extremely unfair and potentially hurtful. Same goes for the assumption that they don’t date because they’re too picky. We haven’t been given all the details or facts about their lives or situations and it doesn’t seem right to draw grand conclusions from a snippet of information in a comment on a blog…
I’ve read your comments and they have confirmed my suspicisions that I’ll never get a boyfriend unless I lose weight. My mother wants me to consider having gastric bypass surgery but I would have to give up pizza, so I don’t know.
Not being able to get a date has absolutely nothing to do with how we look? Are you kidding me? Of course it does. I agree that how one interacts with people is an important factor in getting and maintaining any type of relationship, but to say that physical appearance has nothing to do with dating or relationships is ludicrous.
And Hope is right – telling the girls who have commented that they’ve never dated to “get therapy” or accusing us of being picky without all the facts is completely unfair. It’s also incredibly rude, which is why I will no longer be participating in this community. In the future, perhaps some of you should stop and really think about the effects of your words *before* you post something.
@Jasmine Marie: I don’t think you necessarily need to lose weight to get a boyfriend. But if you want to lose the weight for yourself you can still eat the things you like (like pizza)but try eating smaller portions or better yet find ways to make the foods you like healthier. Getting gastric bypass surgery is a pretty big deal, and I feel like you should only do it as a last resort and if it’s what you really want, not what your mom wants.
I’m really surprised at all the backlash. Just because what you’ve experienced in your life does not match up with what other people have, does not mean they are lying,delusional, or that they need to see a therapist. I think it’s completely inappropriate and mean spirited to say that somehow your experience invalidates theirs. I’m an open person, who engages others in conversation and I sometimes approaches guys myself. I’ve never dated, never been kissed, never had a guy show any kind of romantic gesture towards me. The two guys that have shown remote interest (I was their last resort and they really wanted a girlfriend) in me were rude and mean and were completely shocked that I didn’t want to put up with it since they felt that they were doing me a favor and that I was ungrateful. Just because some of you have been fortunate enough to have found supportive and loving people, don’t make those of us who haven’t feel like there is something wrong with us.
dating and being plus size can be really cruel. i have had all sorts of friends and i was always the nice moral one. it is really hard seeing time and time again your cheating, man hating, think they can get away with everything skinny friend get the guy. the only time guys talk to me is to ask me questions about them, and i say nice things or nothing at all. so to tell me this is because of something other than my weight is wrong.
Some of these stories are super depressing. I would like to advice all women that men are jerks no matter what size you are. I will admit that thin women attract more men, but they don’t get great mean either. i have been heavy all my life, and at my smallest I have ever been is a 10 and now I am at a comfortable size 14. At my biggest, I was a size 20. After a nasty divorce I gave myself to food. I can honestly say that I have met some pretty neat guys in my life. I have never dated a man with a weight problem, because those were not the type of men I attracted. I have dated men from all walks of life, and most of them were pretty decent. Even at my heaviest I went out on dates and always kept a smile on my face. I have done so much in my life that I could write a book about it. Yes, i have had men reject ebcause of fatness at times, but never stoped me from meeting another man that would be willing to accept me.
ps… my sex life is amazing!