Dear Strangers At Lunch: You Should Lose Weight
Passive Aggressive Notes is a website that features… um… passive aggressive notes. This one was received by a group of three diners who out were having lunch, and were passed a note by a woman at the next table, who signed her name Angela. You can read the whole note at the site, but here is an excerpt.
Please don’t get hurt, but the (3) of U should loose weight. I know it’s hard. It is certainly hard 4 me. But I feel better afterwoords and validated, and accomplished. [sic]
And she left her phone number! Stephanie C. sent in the link and added:
The nerve. I don’t care if she had the best of intentions or the very worst, it was not her place to comment and none of her business in the first place. And the “please don’t get hurt but…” does not excuse her from what she says. It’s like saying “I don’t mean to be mean but…” Yes, yes you do mean to be mean, but you don’t want to think of yourself as mean so you try to write what you’re doing off as something other than what it is – being mean – by premising it with a statement of intention so that if (or when) the other person flies into a murderous rage and cold-cocks you for being an insensitive jerk it’s their fault, not yours. (Sorry about the overwhelming number of coordinating conjunctions in that last sentence.)
I love a girl who knows her coordinating conjunctions, and I couldn’t agree more. FAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY’RE FAT, ANGELA. And thanks, Stephanie!
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Hee, I remember that one. I’m Freddie over there, too.
Although I do agree, can we turn this around, just for the sake of argument?
On another website that I also follow, a blogger asked whether or not she should say something to a woman who goes to her gym and is probably anorexic. Between being thin as a rail and doing hours of exercise a day, this woman is probably killing her. Literally and quickly.
Should we turn away from this woman because it’s none of our business?
Maybe this isn’t the right forum, but the question still remains. Are we NEVER our sister’s keeper?
The problem with sticking your nose in others’ business is that you just don’t know. I mean, we’ve all heard the old saying about ASS-U-ming right? It’s easy to see a someone and assume all sorts of things about them, but unless you’re with that person 24 hours a day, you don’t know what’s going on.
The blogger says that woman “looks anorexic”. That’s a bit subjective. I know girls who could probably qualify as “anorexic looking” who have a sweet tooth like you would not believe. Not to mention “looks anorexic” is pretty subjective. To some people that could mean a size 00, or a size 6. It depends on how a person carries their weight. Not to mention, a person isn’t anorexic by nature of just being thin. Anorexia is a psychological disorder.
But I digress. About the actual post… I will first say that I love PAN. It’s just funny and outrageous, and my favorite notes are the ones posted by disgruntled roommates/coworkers etc. But that napkin thing was just out of line. It just falls in line with the assumption that fat people are completely oblivious to their size and have no right to act and feel “normal” until they lose weight.
newme,
i think there is a difference between dropping a note on someone’s luncheon table and saying “you’re fat” and saying to a friend “i’m worried about you, are you ok? i see that you’re working out a WHOLE lot and you’ve gotten to be terribly thin. it makes me concerned for your health.”
there’s a balance between being our sister’s keeper and being just flat our rude. my response to someone telling me i’m fat is to say “yes, and you’re fucking rude”. i KNOW i’m fat. the pudge is there and not wanting to leave me, it loves me so much. but if a loved one/close friend expressed concern about my health they’d get a kinder reply.
the person who is concerned about the possibly anorexic woman could talk to one of the trainers at the gym, perhaps. *or* that woman could just be a person who is very thin to begin with. my brother’s first wife was like that, she didnt diet or exercise, ate like food was being outlawed tomorrow, and was a size 1. that was just how she was.
regards, kitten
Yes, we are never our sister’s keeper. At least never anyone who is not our actual sister. And even then, mostly not once she’s an adult.
You don’t know why the woman is thin. She might just be extremely thin. Or she might have cancer. Or any one of a number of other illnesses that make her thin.
There are really only two possibilities there – either she is just as aware of her body size as anybody else, and feels good or bad about it, just like anybody else.
Or there really is a problem psychologically, and you could be poking a raw wound and making the problem worse.
The bottom line is, nobody else’s body is your business until or unless they ask you for help or advice.
Oooooooooooooh what I would do with that phone number. I would have called and called and called. Maybe told her I was stuck at a Krispy Kreme and being forced to order donuts against my will. I would call every five minutes and say, “I’m feeling kind of hungry. Can I eat now?” I would bug the living shit out of Angela until she broke down and cried. Then I’d call some more. Stupid jackass.
Peace,
Shannon
NewMe, has that reader seen the woman exercising at the gym for hours at a time? If that is the case, then maybe she can alert the gym staff to her concerns. Seeing proof of disordered behavior is different than seeing 3 women in a restaurant being fat at you. So, yes, I think sometimes we ARE our sister’ keepers.
That woman who wrote the note is so incredibly…urgh!, I can’t even think of a word that is strong enough to convey how totally wrong she is! But then, I wouldn’t know a coordinating conjunction if it jumped up and bit me on the nose, so I guess it’s not surprising.
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Every time someone tells me to loose[sic] weight, I let loose and shake it, baby, shake it!
*dances like everyone’s watching and going, ‘Damn, girl’s got some MOVES’*
I want to comment about the “obviously anorexic” person at the gym who’s “probably killing herself.” My sister struggles to maintain her weight at 100 lbs and goes to the gym three to four times a week. The reason why is she loses muscle more slowly than fat. So if she works out, she keeps up her muscle mass, and therefore doesn’t drop down to 85-90 lbs. She looks anorexic but she’s not; she has CF. You can’t tell from the outside.
But what you can tell is that every grown woman is aware of her body. An underweight person doesn’t not know her body image and eating habits are distorted. Just like an overweight person isn’t blind to her body. Giving someone a note “letting them know” about themselves is asking to get slapped.
Also, can I say how much I love Stephanie’s coherent, articulate response to Angela’s chicken scratch? Maybe someone should let Angela know — not to hurt her feelings of course — that she should really gain an education.
Thanks to all the people who responded to my question. I appreciate the food (lol) for thought that you gave me.
Be well and happy holidays (whatever they may be) to all.
Reminds of the lady who came into a bookstore I ran a million years ago, made a purchase, then slid her card across the counter to me. To let me know she was a ‘registered nutritionist’ and took on private clients. I gave her the ‘retail death stare with the Mona Lisa smile. She slunk out. And while I handled it pretty well with her, it ruined my day, and I obviously haven’t forgotten over twenty years later.
I said all that to say this (I’m a southerner, we speak in narratives); it was not that gal’s place to ruin my day, no matter her good intentions anymore than it was Angela’s place to do the same with the three friends next to her. MYODB.
NewMe – maybe strike up a conversation with the dedicated gym user you observed? Just saying, ‘hi, I see you hear working out a lot, are you training for a particular event?’ might go over well. (Of course, I say this as a gym user who often is in-training and would love to tell you about the races I’m thinking of entering.)
Shannon, that’s just evil.
I like it.
My take on NewMe’s question is this: other peoples health is not our business. Full stop. I trust other people to run their lives as they see fit, bodily autonomy is one of the most basic human rights.
Now, I feel people get a limited ability to interfere with their loved one’s right to be left the hell alone about their health. Parents have a responsibility to look after minor children, spouses have an interest in keeping each other healthy. You draw the line where the other person in the relationship sets up their boundaries, and you cross it only in dire situations.
So no, if a person who is a stranger to me is suffering with an ED, it’s not my business to butt in and “save” them. While I certainly hope they have a support system in place to help them, I respect their right to destroy their own body. I say this as someone who is an alcoholic in remission, I believe in people’s right to do to themselves how they see fit. Anything less smacks of arrogance, and rank paternalism.
Godless Heathen hit the nail on the head.
Also, I’d like to point out that talking to this girl won’t achieve anything, and will probably upset her. Hypothetically, if she does have a disordered pattern, do you really think her mental illness will go away because of one person at the gym getting involved? Unlikely.
And then, yes, it’s also possible she could ahve a range of different illnesses, or she could be built that way.
With the original post, yes, I saw that note. WHAT THE FUCK. Totally unacceptable.
When I used to work at 7-11 years ago, there was an extremely thin woman who would come in occasionally. I thought she was anorexic, turned out she was suffering from AIDS. You just don’t know what a person’s situation is until they actually tell you or someone that knows them feels comfortable enough to reveal it to you.
I’ll never get this mindset from concern trolls who think we don’t know we’re fat. We are, and yes we’re allowed to eat like everyone else, in public, without others trying to pawn their diet advice off on us. I would have called Angela and told her where to shove her scale.
I can’t believe she actually left her phone number. Oh, wait, I can. She was probably selling Herbalife or something like that.
Yeah, as far as approaching the skinny woman at the gym…no. Do not. If she looks like she has a problem that requires immediate medical attention, e.g. she seems woozy and about to pass out, either call the paramedics or tell someone who works there. DON’T approach someone you don’t know about this. There are any number of physical conditions that could make someone lose a lot of weight, and even if she does have anorexia nervosa, getting crap from random strangers about it will not be curative.
Meowser, I totally had that thought about Herbalife!
That wasn’t even a passive aggressive note. It was a mean note. The person had no right to write that.
-Denise
You know what’s a million times worse than being fat? Being thin and so desperate for a sense of personal accomplishment and/or money (like if you ran up your credit cards to become a Herbalife dealer) that you slink around strangers and encourage them to hate themselves. Even worse is feeling a need to become a walking, talking, creepy-note-leaving personal testimony in order to STAY thin. That is nothing if not hell on earth. But Merry Christmas to Angela and all the other wretches like her! I’ll wave my Tiny Tim crutch at her, the one I use to reach across the table and pull big platters of food in front of me. God bless us, everyone!
@NewMe: I run a body positivity discussion group at my school and a good friend came to really upset after being confronted, in the exact same scenario at the gym. A woman had come up to her and told her she was too thin, unhealthy, and should leave. My friend does struggle some with her weight because she has a lot of allergies, but going the gym is one of the things she does for her. When this woman came up to her and told her, basically, that her body was WRONG, she felt as though her safe space had been violated, she wasn’t sure if she was even going to return to that gym.
Bottom line, Godless Heathen and Anna are right, we need to respect body sovereignty and stop perpetuating the idea that we can look at someone, and see whether or not they are healthy, let alone comment about it.
i was just on a trip to italy and on the last night another fat woman –who eats a lot more than i do, i noticed,said to me –i’m going on a diet when i get home — how about you–i said no i was concentrating on being healthy///it felt so odd to hear this from a fellow chubby person…i was hurt …this whole topic is so deep!
Wow what a ballsy move. The 3 women should have wrote her a snarky note back.
I would have passed a note back:
Oh, and the first name and phone number offer a world of possibilities as well. I’d be tempted to look up her address based on that information and have food delivered.
My reaction to the well-meaning “Angela’s” note:
Please don’t be hurt by what I’m about to say, but you (“Angela”) desperately need to learn how to write and spell properly. Part of the downfall of our society – in addition to fat people like me, of course – is the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue, as one Professor Higgins might say.
Again, no offense, you stupid twit.
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