Fat People Kill Kittens! (Wait, No… Mittens.)
That’s right, fat people will be the death of the mitten industry! At least, according to this article sent in by Jez. Brace yourselves for a glimpse into our terrifying future…
If Americans keep getting fatter, there will be no need for mittens in the future. That’s what the results of a new federal study suggest; that as the obesity epidemic continues, the need for mittens will decrease to a point where the industry’s survival is in question.
Oh no! The SURVIVAL OF THE INDUSTRY is in our hands! (Our fat hands.) It’s a tragedy on par with global warming!
A team of researchers at the U.S. National Institutes of Health found that overweight people tend to generate more heat than those who are lean, but that they weren’t holding on to any more heat than their lean counterparts. Instead, they were releasing the extra body heat through their extremities, making the hand temperature of obese participants hotter than those of normal-weight volunteers.
So with hot hands, who needs mittens? “If that’s the case, people could go without gloves and just stick their hands in their pockets.”
Oh my god, we might stick our hands in our pockets, you guys. Just put our hands right into our pockets to keep them warm! THIS CANNOT STAND.
Obviously, the answer here is simple. Stop making plus-sized clothes with pockets. Or make the pockets really small, so we can’t fit our chubby hands into them. Problem solved, people! YOU’RE WELCOME!
At least we’re not being accused of killing kittens. Yet.
Posted by mo pie
I’ll be honest, I sent it in mostly to have a lovely chortle at your response.
You know, I thought for years that I didn’t use mittens because I found them awkward and inconvenient. Apparently its all because I’m a fatty.
Whiskey. Foxtrot. Tango?
A FEDERALLY FUNDED survey? That has to be a joke. And of course Jez can’t be right. It can’t be that mittens are uncomfortable and awkward. Nah, it has to be teh fattehs’s fault.
First of all, mittens suck. “Hey, you know how gloves keep your hands warm, yet impair your dexterity? What if we mashed all your fingers together and made it COMPLETELY impossible to function?”
Mittens and flipflops can go bankrupt for all I care, and doubly so now that they’ve bared their ass.
Great story, though. And even greater headline.
Peace,
Shannon
Thank Maud I’ve already practiced driving with my hand in my pockets while my fat stomach moves the steering wheel.
That should be “hands” otherwise I’d be like my husband who literally drives with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand in his jacket pocket.
I live in Minnesota. Hot fat hands or no, I need fraking mittens at least 4 months out of the year.
My hands freeze anytime the temperature drops, even though the rest of me stays nuclear hot. However, I don’t buy gloves and mittens, I prefer to knit my own. Obviously crafty people should be stopped from buying fabric or yarn too in order to save the mitten industry.
I also knit my own hats and purses. I’m a menace, won’t someone think of the economy?!
How then has the sock industry stayed alive? I mean obviously if our extremities are so hot then we should not need socks.
Also, I’d like the asshole that came to this conclusion to put his face on my feet in the morning right now when they are ice cold.
I was actually speechless for several minutes. (That’s impressive!)
On a somewhat more serious yet snarky note:
If poor people are more likely to be obese than rich people, aren’t they less likely to buy mittens anyway? In which case this really doesn’t matter to the mitten industry?
This is so random. Random and ridiculous.
Personally, despite my industry-tanking layer of blubber, I’m always cold. Though I do tend to favor scarves and just stick my hands in my pockets anyway. OH NO. I’m part of the problem!
Maybe if we took all the money the government puts toward ridiculous studies like this one and put it toward, say, universal health care, the world would be a better place!
But heaven forbid we stop funding studies that show how EEEEE-VILE teh fatties are!!!!!
There’s a mitten industry?
Ohmygosh. I could do nothing but giggle at this because it is so entirely ridiculous. I don’t even know where to start. I think the term “mitten industry” is probably where I lose it altogether.
That is the stupidest thing I have ever read. I’m obese and my hands and feet are always ice cold. SO THERE RESEARCHERS!
Where do they come up with this crap?
You made me spew my coffee!! That’s hilarious, but then it is terribly SAD that THIS is what kind of studies are being funded by the government…
I’m with Shannon. I’m just gonna put on my gloves and wait for the backlash.
Mwhahahahaha… my evil plan is working! Soon. Very soon the mitten industry will be no more. Then what will those silly little kittens who lost their mittens do? Mwhahahahahaha!!!
Um, I’m fat and I have 3 pairs of mittens. One to go with each of my winter coats. I LOVE mittens. Who commissions these studies anyway?
Wait, WHAT? This is real? I thought it was some Onion parody goodness or something.
I can’t believe they’re actually serious about this.
And fatties being hotter than skinnies? Not in my household, thankyouverymuch.
I have to wear a jacket at work in the middle of summer because the airconditioning makes me cold. I am consistently colder than my skinny husband, and my hands/feet often feel like ice even when its 40 degrees (Celcius) outside.
So bollocks to this.
XD Hahah, I actually made the same joke about kittens/mittens in my deviantART journal, in a comment to someone: http://magicklorelai.deviantart.com/journal/27745515/
Fortunately, the people there seem to be getting why this is stupid.
I am fat and I LOVE mittens, I hate gloves because they just don’t keep my hands warm enough. I am 5’11 and weigh 256 and I have ice cold hands all the damn time.
In fact, at one point while helping run a fun house for some kinds with a larp group I was a part of I was dressed up and tied in a spider web, the part I played stayed still until someone tried to take a map from the web for a clue to the whole theme that was going on. I was very good at staying still and one of the parents thought I was fake even after touching my hand which incidentally was frosty cool. He kicked me in the shin thinking I was a dummy and when he took the map after kicking me and I did move promptly wet himself.
It was awesome.
But yeah, hands cold. Fat chicks need mittens too.
Oh this is just bullshit. Being fat doesn’t mean that you are big hot sweaty person. I am fat and I am freezing cold all the time. I run my heater at work during the summer and I am already in gloves. I would think that mittens are easier to wear because you just put your hand inside them. If the mitten business is dying, it is because mittens are pointless. You can’t grab things with mittens, or count change with them like you can do with gloves. Gloves give you more freedom and still provide warmth to all your fingers. So this fat person is going to continue with gloves instead of mittens. Death to mittens!!!!
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OMG, I am dying laughing at this! And I just purchased a scarf and fingerless glove/mitten set (the kind that convert; they’re the best! mittens actually keep your hands warmer, but when you can pull back the top to do things with a measure of dexterity, THAT is heaven!), so either a. I’m not a fatty… er, obese, thank you government study, as my hands are always freezing (which is just LOVELY with arthritis) or b. the government has their heads up their asses yet again. I know which one I’m betting on.
By the way, mo pie, was it you that linked to the Lee jeans giveaway? I got my winning pair yesterday and wore them today, and Oh. My. Gods. These are so damn comfortable and they look GOOD (my husband was moved to comment, which he only does if I’m at one end of the spectrum or the other). If it wasn’t you, I’m indebted to whoever DID link it, but I’m pretty sure it was you. :)
p.s. I am now wearing my ridiculous cheap gloves that I cut the tips of the fingers out of. I also bought two other pairs of gloves this season. TAKE THAT, GOVERNMENT STUDY. AND MITTEN INDUSTRY, I’M LOOKING AT YOU, TOO.
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I think what the mitten industry is clearly trying to say is that the clothing industry in general is at risk for dissolving. Soon we’ll all be so fat that our mere proximity to each other will be so sweat-inducing that clothes will no longer be needed. ever. eventually, our fat heat will be so overwhelming that the heat will actually serve as a source of energy, replace fossil fuels and, in essence, save the world.
you’re welcome!
Anyone over the age of 6 wearing mittens is a sad, sad thing.
Tisk tisk. You ladies are missing out on a tremendous opportunity here.
Opening Soon:
Punchy’s Plus Size Mitten Emporium!
I always thought the Mitten industry was dying because you can’t do anything with them on, not get your keys, handle money, drive a car. Plus we have long come up with the more impressive “glove” technology.
But this was the funnies thing I have ever seen, so I am happy to take the responsibility off of Gloves…..hands.