Ask BFD: When Do I Speak Up?
Forestroad posted this question in the comments, and it’s something that, strangely, I was thinking about today too… which I took as a sign that I should post this question and see what you guys think! Bolding is mine.
Do you have something like an “Ask Mo Pie” feature? I just got into FA and I don’t know where to ask these questions, but I thought here would be a good place to start, since this seems like one of the most open and welcoming FA blogs out there. This question relates to being a body-positive advocate:
I have struggled with body-image and weight issues since I first developed an eating disorder at the age of 12. My weight has yo-yo’d since I stopped growing within about 50lbs. Early this summer, I decided to finally put off the college 30 and got heavily into the online world of weight loss. Somewhere along the way, I found fat acceptance, and have since given up dieting and have Linda Bacon’s book on hold at the library.
However, that didn’t happen until I’d already lost over 20lbs. Many people haven’t seen me at all this summer, and I am now dealing with lots of weight-less comments about how much weight I’ve lost, and how “good” and “healthy” I am. These comments now make me extremely uncomfortable. This happened the other day with a coworker, and I tried to diffuse the situation by saying that unfortunately I realized that for me, weight loss actually came with a lot of unhealthy behaviors (and muscle loss), and I don’t diet any more and try to practice health at every size instead. It resulted in colossal awkwardness and blank stares. Maybe I just need to get used to this, and I admit I might be part of the problem bc I have in the past been guilty of “diet talk” so people might think I appreciate the comments. But in some situations, it just seems too awkward to try and explain things to someone who is trying to compliment me. (And in the case of my mother, it’s just a horrible can of worms to try and explain that to “keep going in the right direction”, as she keeps telling me to, probably more accurately means up as opposed to down.)
I do speak up when I hear blatant fat phobia, and I do lots of linking to FA articles and blogs, but I’m still struggling to balance “speaking up” with not offending, even alienating, my friends and coworkers. Does anyone have any pointers about what I should say in these situations, specifically?
Thank you so much for this question. I can’t wait to read the answers.
Posted by mo pie
Email us
While I’m not officially in FA, I have found a lot of value and comfort in various FA sites. I’ve also recently lost some weight, but not through my “old” dieting. When I get compliments and diet talk, I simply say “I FEEL great. Thanks.” And THATS’s it. And then I ask HOW my friend is doing and what they’ve been up to. I don’t follow up with body talk.
It usually throws people off. Especially the people that I historically had “diet talk” and body hate talk with.
For people that I really trust and are open, I will explain what I’m going through. But, for everyone else (including my mother), I just sorta shrug it off and say that I feel good and I’m enjoying my summer.
On the flip side, I really don’t comment on my family or friends’ weight loss any more. I once got lectured by another family member for NOT pouring lavish compliments on my mom on a weight loss. I told that family member that I don’t “play those games” any longer and that frankly I thought my mom was beautiful at any weight and I really don’t see specific body components as much as I see a beautiful woman.
I should add that it took me about three years to actually believe what I was saying. But, the more I heard the words (or sometimes the lack of words), the more I actually felt the truth.
I think saying something that is positive but not
offensive” like this:
“oh my gosh, you look so skinny!! Did you lose weight??”
“Yeah I did, but I realized that I’m fine the way I am so I’m not going to diet anymore.”
If they say, “yeah, but” then they are jerks for telling you you AREN’T fine the way you are. :P
Course with my family I’m much more blunt.
“OMG have you lost weight?”
“God I hope not, my pants won’t fit me anymore.”
“Wow you look like you’ve lost weight.”
“Well I’ve been eating nothing but cupcakes so I don’t think so.”
I’m also pretty frank with my family and friends who talk about dieting/weight loss. They know by now that I don’t want to hear body hate BS or about the latest diet or whatever, and if they talk about it in front of me, I let them know that I’m offended by it. They sometimes act like I’m insisting that the world is flat, but I’m ok with that as long as they respect my boundaries.
It can be a tough thing to navigate. (Not that I’ve lost any amount of weight in a very, very long time) I find myself never just accepting the “praise” as given. I always find something to say about not dieting or not caring about such things, otherwise I feel like I’m giving in to the idea that weight loss = commendable and virtuous. Sometimes I even say, “No, I’ve actually put on some weight,” (which is sometimes true. I don’t know because I really don’t weigh myself at all). I’ve seen posts where people have discussed this topic – maybe at Shapely Prose or on their Ning community?
Practice beforehand, if you get nervous (like I sometimes do). Best of luck!
I’ve been struggling with a similar question myself.
If scientist and news reporters are willing to declare an “obesity paradox” in order to cope with all the evidence that disagrees with their firmly held beliefs that obesity is unhealthy, how are we supposed to explain this all to a layperson?
I have to admit that I’ve given up on some of my friends. I start out all excited with the new facts I’ve learned. I’m eager to share my passion. But then they’ll come back with the same old tired rhetoric and I simply shut my mouth.
It’s like they think I’m trying to sell them a bag of crazy. In a way I understand. The idea that “fat is bad” was in place way before the idea that “fat kills” came into play. To most people they don’t suspect they’ve been sold a bill of goods because the new idea fits seamlessly into their existing worldview.
Another part of the problem is this idea that science is definitive. When, in reality, there can be competing theories and conflicting research. So, when new data presents itself, we go from seeing the world as flat to seeing the world as round.
How do you explain to someone that was raised with the idea that the world is flat, that – in reality – the world is really round? I just don’t know. How do you explain it in such a way that breaks down the barriers of firmly held belief? Again, I don’t know.
I’m still trying to figure this one out.
I’m new to FA, too, and I struggle with this myself. Because you have been dealing with an eating disorder, though, I think it’s important for you especially to set boundaries with the people closest to you. I set boundaries with my mother and my husband, and they’ve both been AMAZINGLY supportive. My mom is even reading “Intuitive Eating” with me and has given up dieting, too! They know now that they need to not say that I’m “being good” if I eat healthy meals or “being bad” if I eat ice cream, and that’s a huge step for them. As for responses to, “did you lose weight?”, I’d do whatever makes you feel comfortable and empowered in the situation without making the other person feel badly for trying to pay you what they think is a compliment. Maybe something like, “I don’t know. I threw out my scale, and I’ve been so much happier since I did that! Maybe you’re just picking up on how good I feel!” Then if they ask you why, you can get into HAES and stuff like that.
“I don’t know. I threw out my scale, and I’ve been so much happier since I did that! Maybe you’re just picking up on how good I feel!â€
I am totally stealing this. Its absolutely perfect for the group of folks most likely to comment on my weight.
Wow, thank you all so much for your responses!
I think the simple act of saying thanks and then NOT following up with body talk is great advice for a beginner. And if they still follow up the “you lost weight!” with a “how did you do it?”, I love having “I don’t know. I threw out my scale, and I’ve been so much happier since I did that! Maybe you’re just picking up on how good I feel!†in my repertoire :)
I like the “threw out my scale” comment a lot, too!
Maybe another good one would be just: “Thanks. You know, it’s a long story, but I’m happy where I am now.” That would stay in the spirit of the compliment, acknowledge your current feelings, and gently indicate that there’s more to the situation than it appears.
The key here is to really keep it simple. Responding to a compliment with a correction is really, really tricky business, so I don’t think that should quite be your objective. Instead you can either a.) respond with a kind of brief answer that you can deal with or b.) start a conversation, if you sense the person you’re talking with is open to further discussion.
Also, is it possible that perhaps you’re bringing a little bit of guilt or insecurity to all this? Do you feel like your visible weight loss somehow undermines what you believe about FA, so that you feel somehow obligated to make explanations and correct people order to “fix” that? I say don’t worry about that. You can’t control everyone’s perceptions. Work on making sure the people most important to you understand where you’re at right now, and don’t sweat the rest.
If I were you, I wouldn’t feel too nervous about offending acquaintances who are commenting on your BODY, which is rude and ballsy anyway, even if it’s a compliment.
I lost the dozen or so pounds that I gained on SSRIs a couple of years ago and got comments like this a lot (first when I was in a disordered state of mind and later after I’d become a convert to FA and HAES). I either comment that I threw out the scale and then go on to say what a great decision that was or I tell them that I’m actually trying to bulk up. The latter is pretty true – I’m not a serious bodybuilder but I am very muscular for my size and trying to get more so. People who knew me a little better got the truth – that I was off the meds that made me gain the weight in the first place and that it wasn’t the old bunsen burner equation that changed things.
All of them mess with people’s expectations, which I find really satisfying. Because, really, expectations that weight loss is always to be desired should be subverted.
I was starting to get pretty fed up with the comments, though. Good thing I settled into my set point / ran out of people I hadn’t seen in awhile, since I was a couple of comments away from telling someone I’d had cancer.
I think this is a pretty common issue for a lot of women in FA, at least in the sense of not knowing when or how to explain their FA-leanings. I have this same problem when I show up somewhere new. I don’t know who to tell or what to tell them.
I’ve been thinking about it, and what I realized is that somehow, I always end up explaining FA and the benefits of it to people. Even if it’s those complimenters. I wait for the right time to explain to them that yes, I’ve lost weight, but that shouldn’t matter at all. Then I explain FA.
The reason I do this, I realized, is because I identify as an FA activist. I feel like it’s my duty to try to explain this to someone so maybe they change the way they think. And it’s important to me to do that.
So I guess, that’s what I’ve realized. (I just posted about it on my blog.) I appreciate that we’re having this discussion. It’s important to talk about this and it made me realize some important things about myself.
Not gonna lie, if people tell me that I must’ve lost weight!! You look great!!~~, I ask them why they didn’t think I looked great BEFORE. The blank stares are awesome. The stammering qualifications of their comments are even better. Maybe I’m just mean. :D
You can always use the “I’m sorry, I’m not sure how to respond to that!” It’ll usually stop most ppl right in their tracks, especially if you use a slightly offended tone of voice. Another good one is “Wow, how rude to comment on someone’s appearance like that”, but then they will stop commenting at all, even on cute clothes or nice hair, so it’s a tossup to use that one at all. I use the second one on ppl that I don’t really care to talk to anyway.
Sparkle Pants: I LOVE YOU.
Honestly, I am not going to lie, the specifics of this don’t really apply to me because I have not lost appreciable weight since I was thirteen years old and functionally anorexic.
But this is a dilemma I face a lot, generally: when do I speak up? When do I question the dismissal of a sex worker as a person when the Duke rape case comes up? When do I challenge my best friend’s diet talk?
It’s no one’s responsibility to educate everyone, and you can’t be responsible for anyone else’s preconceptions or attitudes. If we found HAES(/feminism/the blogosphere at large, the ability to question our attitudes and privileges, etc.), surely the rest of the world should be able to.
But at the same time, I empathize with the desire to speak up. Sometimes a face-to-face conversation is more powerful than a blog post. (Sometimes it’s the other way around.)
The answer to “when do I speak up?” for me, usually, is “when the discomfort of not speaking up outweighs the discomfort of speaking up or leaving.” Sometimes it is easier to say nothing, and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s easier to leave the room, and that’s okay, too. That’s part of my personal terrible bargain.
But there are times when it’s just too wrong, when it hits too close to home, when you’ve maybe almost slipped back into the dieting mentality because some days, the media is just too much, and to stifle your voice one more time is absolutely unfathomable. Sometimes you have to speak. And that’s okay, too.
So the conclusion I’ve reached is that it’s always okay to speak up, but it’s never an obligation. As for how to do it gracefully– I’m still working on that.
the conclusion I’ve reached is that it’s always okay to speak up, but it’s never an obligation.
That’s a great way to put it.
I get this comment a lot from family members, and while I don’t want to be rude–after all, they honestly believe they are paying me compliments–I want to make people aware that I am not going to discuss my weight/appearance. Usually I get by with a “Oh? I have no idea, I stopped caring about how much I weight and now I worry more about my health” or something similar. This led to a quick FA/HAES conversation with my aunt at a party recently, but usually it’s met with blank stares.
i have been in a cycle where i lose about 20 (if i exercise 2 hours a day) and then gain it back because that isn’t sustainable when you are also bipolar and working 50-60 hrs/week. but i also think i start getting to a point where i am getting those comments and it just depresses and freaks me out to know that i am always being so JUDGED. thanks for the many ideas on how to deal with these remarks.
I wouldn’t recommend this response, but this reminds me of an incident about a year ago, in which one of my colleagues walked into the teacher’s lounge, and another one exclaimed over her weight loss.
“Oh my God, you’ve lost so much weight, you look amazing!” said Woman 1.
Woman 2 just gave her a deadpan stare and replied: “My mother is seriously ill and I’m struggling with serious depression. If this looks good to you then I’d really rather look ‘bad’.”
That shut Woman 1 up really fast, let me tell you, and she was falling all over herself with the “I just meants” and the “I’m so sorrys”.
It just goes to show what a distorted idea we have about the relationship between women’s weight and their supposed level of happiness and self-satisfaction. But then, we all know that, and that’s why we’re here.
I ask them why they didn’t think I looked great BEFORE. The blank stares are awesome. The stammering qualifications of their comments are even better.
Yeah, Sparklepants, but then you get those totally brutally honest people who tell it to your face: “Because you looked bloated and you struggled to walk and lift stuff and you were always breathing really heavy and I was afraid you were going to drop dead of a heart attack nearly every day.”
I am someone that believes in FA but am also trying to get rid of weight so I can physically feel better. I have had comments from people I care about and people I don’t care about. The people I care about – I appreciate their sentiment and support because they already know “what” I find unoffensive.
The people I flat out don’t like, or others that I like but I feel it’s none of their business…I’ve started using a line that I stole from another blog (and for the life of me I can’t remember if it was Jack Sh*t or Fat Daddy Rants). It’s “Yeah, I’m on a hunger strike until…(world peace, gays and lesbians can marry in this country, no child goes hungry, etc.). Shuts people up pretty quickly with a sense of humor. I have yet to have anyone get upset or NOT take the hint. It defuses the situation and I move along.
When someone makes a fat-phobic comment infront of me, I just make a horrified face and start excluding them from my life. You’ll find that not laughing at fat jokes can be pretty effective. Sometimes I’ll just stare in silence and then change the subject. My favorite response to a casual fat-phobic statement like, “The Ballet company just doesn’t want girls’ weight to get out of hand” is to just ask why. I’ve discovered that people tend to get defensive pretty fast. It tells me that they already knew there was something wrong with what they were saying.
Still not sure how to react to girls saying to me,”So skinny OMG I. Am. SO jealous!” The last time I just said, “Well skinny is only one thing.” But I don’t feel like it’s enough. Telling them how THEY TOO are very pretty doesn’t seem to work so well either. Any tips?
Still not sure how to react to girls saying to me,â€So skinny OMG I. Am. SO jealous!†The last time I just said, “Well skinny is only one thing.â€
That might not feel like enough, but I think anything is better than silence. That’s a tricky situation, and one I’ve never found myself in nor anticipate finding myself in, so I don’t think I have any better advice. Good luck!
just back to report that i think my response may be:
the fact that, in your eyes, my worthiness hinges upon the number on a scale is a source of endless comfort to me.
This is a hard one for many of us – lots of good suggestions (I’m totally stealing the “I threw out my scale” one, because it’s true!).
Others I’ve used have been an immediate topic change (like, them: “You’ve lost weight!” Me: “Look at those petunias!”), or something like, “You’re right – I hope I don’t lose any more! I love my shape.” Just the act of telling people that you actually LIKE how your body looks/feels is challenged, and can lead to HAES conversations (or at least stave off diet talk).
Aaaaand… that would be “is challengING.” As in, challenges their assumptions.