Self-Conscious During Sex
I received this letter from Sara, and immediately asked if I could post it here and get your feedback.
Hello Ms. Pie,
I am having a bit of a dilemma. I am about to lose my virginity (at 22) to a man who I really love. That’s not the problem. The problem is that I am so incredibly self-conscious that I can’t imagine doing anything but the missionary position.
I know I shouldn’t be this worried about what he’ll think but I am. You see, I’ve gone from being 320 pounds to 250 in a year and a half (naturally, I might add) and it has left my body looking a little… how should I put it… unpleasant? I realize that my weight loss is a huge achievement and that I should just go with things but I’m still in a bit of a panic about him seeing me in all my glory.
I know he’s going to want me to be on top (we’ve discussed it – after I get the hang of things) and this is possibly the most frightening thought I’ve ever had.
Do you have any advice for getting more comfortable with the thought of someone seeing me completely naked? Any tips for how to possibly hide things? I know this sounds absolutely ludicrous but I can’t help panicking about it and would really like to hear from even one other plus sized person on the matter. My friends are truly wonderful but they don’t really get the weight (pardon the pun) of the issue at hand.
Thanks very much,
SaraP.S. I love BFD. It is truly amazing and helps me to become more comfortable with myself every time I read it.
Dear Sara,
I know you “know” this, but I honestly can’t say it better than Margaret Cho: If he cares what you look like when he’s fucking you, he shouldn’t be fucking you in the first place. Here, go to 2:07 (NSFW with sound, obviously):
I’m sure your guy, if he’s the right kind of guy, if he loves you and is attracted to you, will make you feel sexy—he won’t see your flaws the way you do, he will just see the beauty in your naked body. That’s easy for me to say, but it all really comes down to that. All the guys I know are just so excited to have a naked chick in their bed, they aren’t critiquing the bodies of said naked chicks. And if they are, they are absolutely not worth having sex with.
We also know that confidence and abandon in bed are also sexy. So how to make yourself feel as comfortable as possible? Turn off the bright lights, light some candles. If you’re on top of him, you can also lean down and look into his eyes. He’ll be looking at your face, not your “flaws,” which are not flaws anyway. Nobody is perfect. His body will not be perfect either. But if he loves you, and you love him, it won’t matter. And hopefully you won’t be thinking about any of that; you’ll be enjoying the moment.
(And also, this maybe goes without saying, but don’t let him pressure you into doing anything until you feel like you’re ready for it. I once dated a guy who was super high-pressure about everything, including me having orgasms on demand. I am not with that guy anymore, but man, for a while there, I did believe I was the problem. And I’d hate to see that happen to you.)
Readers? Let’s help Sara, and anyone else in this—ahem—position. Is missionary the only way to go? How can we be comfortable with someone seeing us naked? We could all use a little more sexual self-confidence. How do we get it? Let’s help each other. BFDivas, activate! And good luck, Sara.
Love,
Mo Pie
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Fat Positive, Humor, NSFW, Question, Sex & Romance, Video, WLS
yoga and bellydance have been huge in helping me accept my body as it is and see it as incredibly sexy. even 1 class of bellydancing was enough to make me love my curves and feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.
Hi Sara,
First of all, it’s awesome that you’re planning to take this step with a guy you’re in love with.
Because he loves you, he should be patient and want you to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible. So don’t rush, and be sure to let him know what works for you and what doesn’t. If you don’t feel good getting on top this first time, there’s always next time.
If you can, I’d try not to worry about hiding anything. The first time I was with a guy, I was so nervous, I literally had to tell myself (in my head) “he wants to be here with you. no one is holding a gun to his head.” Your boyfriend thinks you’re a scrumptious, sexy creature, whatever flaws you think you have.
Your pleasure is important, and a good guy will focus on that. But one thing that has helped me relax and feel incredibly empowered is really taking notice of how turned on he is by you. His sounds, his breath, his movements will reinforce that your perfectly normal body is exciting — and hot. And having that awareness, that your body is able to receive and GIVE that kind of pleasure, takes things to a whole new level.
Good luck, and have fun. Let us know how it goes!
Sheila
If you don’t feel 100% comfortable, then try dimmed lighting/candlelights – everyone looks good in them! Wear a nice negligee if you don’t want to be totally naked. And if you don’t want to be on top, then don’t be on top! You don’t have to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with.
Take things slowly, with time and patience you can work towards a solution that you and he can agree on.
When I look in the mirror, all I see is flaws – this is a bit too bulgy, that crease shouldn’t be there, what is up with that mole? – but often when I’m standing in front of the mirror, my BF comes over and puts his arms around me, and then starts putting his hands all over the place. Once I asked him “Don’t you see this? And this? And this? when you look at me naked?” He said, “No, I really don’t. All I see is how beautiful you are.” (He went on in some detail, but I want to keep this comment PG-13.)
I really truly believe that most men live with these amazing, wonderful filters in front of their eyes. They drop down whenever the woman they love takes her clothes off. (Perhaps these same filters keep them from seeing dirty dishes.) They just don’t see our bodies the same way we do. At all. Sara, I’ll bet if you ask your boyfriend, he’ll say the same thing my BF did.
Just keep remembering that – even if the ideal is for you not to see any flaws at all, whatever flaws you think are there won’t be visible to him at all.
I love being naked. Love, love, love, love being naked. Except sometimes. Like, when I’m doing something that will make me jiggle a whole lot. Not necessarily because I’m self-conscious of the jiggling (though I’m not overly fond of it), but because I have sensory issues and jiggling is something that drives me completely up the wall. Which is not exactly the feeling I want during sex.
So, I have some lingerie that I have that’s just a little tight and stretchy. It’s super low cut and allows me to, ahem, be all nakey on the top if I want, and it’s short and can be hiked up on the bottom. All while supporting and restraining my tummy and back area. It makes me feel better because there’s no jiggling, and my guy seems to think the outfit is sexy. I feel more confident and sexy when I’m comfortable, too, so winners all around!
So yeah, get some sort of stretchy lingerie that you like and provides a little bit of a hold and lift if that’s what you need to feel confident and sexy.
It’s been my experience that most men are really happy to have an actual woman in their beds and find ALL naked ladies sexy. ;)
The first time may be awkward, Sara, but what I remember from losing my virginity and the episodes that followed is marveling about how natural it felt. And I found that the more comfortable I got with sex, the easier it was to try new things without freaking out about it.
I found I can’t really be on top because of the shape of my belly and hips and the shape of his belly–it would probably only work if he were porn-movie-size, which he’s obviously not. We had a similar experience with trying to have sex while “spooning” (with him behind me). But you know what? We tried it, and when it didn’t work, we laughed about it, and had fun in other ways.
Relax, be safe, and have fun, and just do what you’re comfortable with. I can almost guarantee, as the other posters above have, that he will not even notice what you perceive as your body’s “flaws.”
Be honest with him about how you feel about your body. Tell him you’re not sure about how you look, and ask him to be supportive.
Also–this is your first time. It may hurt or feel awkward. Don’t push yourself into doing every single position. You may not get to girl-on-top for a while.
I agree with the lights. But also, do foreplay. Get yourself horny and feeling sexy beforehand. Ask him for compliments, and compliment him in turn. Try to focus on the feelings in your body and the way he attracts you.
Also, try to let him see you before the Big Night. If he finds your breasts and belly attractive when making out, he’s going to like it just as much when having sex. And if he doesn’t find it attractive, well, he’s a loser that needs to get his head on right.
I don’t know if this is an option for you, but… the thing that made me the most confident about my body (and I am supercritical of myself, usually) was when I used to hang out with a crowd that was liable not to bother with clothing at parties or for swimming, etc.. Seeing a variety of other people naked, you’ll notice all the amazing differences between bodies that you’d never see if they were clothed. After I’d seen a bunch of other people of all sizes and shapes without clothes, I felt much more comfortable in my own skin!
Do you stress about his odd back hair or ear hair when you’re making out? Didn’t think so. Don’t sweat it. I second and third the lingerie and candles idea, especially if it helps make you *feel* sexy. If you feel sexy, then you are sexy, and you’ll have a lovely time. And then you’ll try it again, and have an even better time. :-D
My husband has always loved me and my body (we’ve been together since high school) and I rarely ever feel self-conscious around him. However, one time we were having sex and I was on top, and I just started bawling and he was like, “Oh my god what’s wrong!?” and I just was like, “I FEEL LIKE A HUMONGOUS WALRUS UP HERE.”
It was ridiculous, he told me so and I knew it. I just was feeling insecure that day even though after 3 years of marriage and years before that of being together he knows every inch of my body and loves it.
Just remember, if he’s looking at you and telling you he loves you and you believe him, any terrible thoughts about feeling unattractive are coming from YOUR BRAIN, not his! Believe me if he loves you he’ll be so thrilled with being able to see all of you (every nook, cranny, roll, bump, and squish) that he wouldn’t even care if you had clown makeup on.
I went through the same thing last year so I have an idea of what you feel. What helped me and him (he was also a virgin) was to take things incredibly slowly. It took us about two months to make it around the bases and by the time we got there we were both so hot to take each other’s clothes off it didn’t matter. Plus we also had time to get to know each other’s bodies. He knew where to touch and how to touch and I knew how to drive him crazy.
If you take it slow you get to see his reaction at each stage of the game and adjust to the idea of being topless in front of someone and then to get used to him being topless and to someone else touching your genitals and to his genitals. If you do it all at once it might be too much sensory wise. I know that you aren’t uncomfortable NOW with the idea of sex but when you’re there insecurity about the situation present itself about OMG I AM SO UGLY, especially if things aren’t going perfectly. In terms of the mechanics just make sure you have plenty of lube and condoms. The lube is so if you are nervous and are clenching or can’t get wet, everything goes smoothly. The condoms are so you’re safe.
About being on top… Guys love it when you are on top because they get to watch as you lower yourself down and the way your breasts drape over his face and how they don’t have to any of the work. My advice on that subject is to get yourself a vibrator to play with while you’re up there. Use it on yourself, use it on him, whatever as long as you are enjoying yourself it doesn’t matter!
Good luck and make love with abandon!
I wish I had the awesome advice that just clicks everything together and helps you not only feel comfortable, but sexy and beautiful, but I’ve no experience in this area.
…Seriously- M’a 23 year old virgin myself. XD Like others have said, though, take it slowly, take the time to get aquainted with each others’ body, and how to worship each part. I’m fairly sure that once you get him going, he’s not going to care about the bulge here or the sag there.
Also. Sex is messy. Sex is hot, wet, sticky, and tiring. Once you really get into it, you’re going to look ridiculous, and that’s how you know you’re doing it right. :D It’s also wonderful, feels good, and is totally fulfilling from head to toes, and you’ll feel even more connected to one another.
So I’ve heard, anyway. XD Still, love yourself and have the confidence that you will be drop-dead sexy the minute he lays eyes on you. Most importantly, have fun!
Glad to see this posted here, I have the same fears and don’t really know how to handle that when/if the time comes.
Thanks for sharing.
Everyone is different and the fun part is you just have to keep trying until you find what clicks for you. Even when you’re confident in your body it doesn’t mean you’re not going to have a day when you just don’t feel right. The trick that’s always worked for me is a red light. I have a string of red lights in the bedroom. I swear they hide every flaw and makes things that aren’t so smooth look smoother. Also black sheer anything . . . for whatever reason black and sheer is a combo that does wonders to hide stuff you might not be so happy with AND it makes you feel extra yummy. Fishnets are fun too, they definitely help to smooth things out. I’m also a big fan of music that makes you feel sooo sexy (mine’s Portishead) just low in the background but it helps you not to think about what isn’t sexy but to think about what is, for me when I listen to it you can help but feel sexy.
I lost a lot of weight quite rapidly and was left with lots of loose skin. A plastic surgeon recently confirmed that I have at least 20 pounds of extra skin on my abdomen alone. I was very self-conscious about it and my body in general when I first became intimate with my now husband, but now I openly walk naked in front of him without any worry of how he thinks I look. Likewise, my husband has always been self-conscious about his crooked teeth, which I don’t even notice because I’m usually drawn to his eyes.
If you’re not worried about “sharing” (I prefer this term over “lose”) your virginity with this man, it sounds like he’s not merely a passing fling or one night stand but someone who is special enough for you to trust at your most vulrenable. It sounds like he loves you for you and the sight of saggy skin won’t send him running for the hills. And I echo Mo… my guy friends have told me that their penis generally doesn’t care what a woman looks like, especially if she’s naked in his bed.
Here’s something I wish people had told me before I had sex: sex can be fun and funny and goofy and that doesn’t mean it feels any less good! In fact, having a sense of humor about it can make it a lot better because you can let go of that very self-consciousness. As Fantine says, some positions are going to work better than others, and if you try something out with the idea “this might be fun” rather than “I have to be a sexy vixen,” you’ll be able to tell what YOU like better. Since you’re comfortable talking about what positions you might try, why not have a further conversation where you say, hey, I’m a little nervous about this whole thing but I’m trying to be game, so if we do something that I don’t like I need it to be okay for me to tell you that (and vice versa). I know it sounds cheesy, but communication really is the key to having fun sex.
Just to add an anecdote, the first time I had boy-sex, we had to deal with the “holy crap that hurts” aspect (which is not true for everyone, btw). My partner suggested that I get on top so I could go at my own pace–so I tried that for a bit, but because it hurt I lost my nerve–I didn’t want to push down if it was going to hurt more! So I told him that, and we laughed and tried a different position where he could take charge more. The reason I tell this is to say that it’s totally okay to tell your boyfriend that you’d like him to take charge at first so you can get the hang of things–it may feel natural to you, but there’s also a learning curve, like there is for anything else, and it’s just fine to be open about that.
Good luck–and have fun!
a) all skin looks funny naked when you’re moving around–even skinny “perfect” women have skin folds and other weird things
b) he is LUCKY to see you naked
c) insecure women are a turnoff, confident women are sexy. So be proud but don’t look down if it’ll start the self-criticism. Just be open and do what you want without looking back. Don’t worry if you look good or not, he’s there for a reason! Don’t think about it at all if you can’t think positive.
Also, go slow and have fun! Don’t be afraid to have him go at a wicked slow pace so you can adjust and have a good time, too!
Being saggy is not a big deal.
The only time I have ever found it to be a problem wasn’t on the attraction end; Husband is a very bellied man (like, ALL his overweight is in his belly) and with age it has sagged. That wouldn’t be a problem, but I have a bit of a lower belly myself and a nice prominent butt too, and sometimes we have positioning problems. (Reverse cowgirl works. Works VERY well. Much more happiness in bedroom yay!)
The first time he looks at you and says something dazed and sincere like “Oh, my god, I love all of your ass” in the middle of sex, it does wonders for the body image. (grin) And all the men I run into seem to have the attitude that fat= more girl soft yummy breasts and butt and places to touch.
Hi Sara,
I don’t know if this will be true for you, but for me I often obsessed about being attractive and having sex (will anyone ever be attracted to me, etc…) before I had sex. At the time I had also lost a lot of weight, from 330 to 240, but over a much longer period of time than you–four years or so. For me that weight loss time involved getting to know my body in a lot of new ways–trying to feed it well, give it the exercise it needed, listening when it really wanted chocolate cake, etc…
Strangely enough, although I was still completely convinced no one would ever love me and that I wasn’t attractive, when I did end up in bed the first time that relationship with my body was really important. The next thing I knew sex was over, I was content with my head on my lover’s chest and I hadn’t even freaked out about all the things I had obsessively convinced myself would be a problem.
For me, it was as the nike peeps say,
Just do it!
There was no special stuff necessary, for me candles and lingerie are fun, but it all fell away the minute our hands were all over each other. In the end, I discovered that first time that I love my body!!
Who knew?
Be free!
J
Any man who gets you naked is going to be so excited about the fact that YOU ARE NAKED that he won’t noticed your imperfections. Period!
Just think about the way YOU see him. Do you see all of his flaws? Do you focus on his gut or his back hair or his jiggly thighs when you’re exploring HIM? Of course not…you love him and you find him insanely attractive! That’s EXACTLY how he feels about you. :)
Just think about the way YOU see him. Do you see all of his flaws? Do you focus on his gut or his back hair or his jiggly thighs when you’re exploring HIM? Of course not…you love him and you find him insanely attractive! That’s EXACTLY how he feels about you. :)
Exactly that. My husband and I have been together for twelve years now, and I honestly cannot say that I have EVER found myself critiquing his body when we’ve been intimate. (Not that I critique it otherwise, but especially not then!) I don’t see him as a collection of parts, you know? I know him as a whole package, and I see him that way, and that continues when we’re having sex.
Although he would be less philosophical about it and just say that when there is a naked woman in front of him wanting to have sex (who had better not be anybody but me ;)), he’s not thinking anything but that he’s going to be having sex.
I second the advice others have given about taking it slow. First-time sex is already fraught with enough new things and worries that you want to get as comfortable with everything else as you can.
One thing that really helped me with my boyfriend was that way, way before we started having sex, we started being naked around each other a lot. We would shower together, or cuddle half-naked on the couch watching movies, or just sit around in our underwear playing Magic: the Gathering. So when we actually had sex the first time, I didn’t feel weird having him look at me naked.
(It started out as a long-distance relationship, so before that, we took a lot of dirty pictures of ourselves to send to each other. That’s something you’ll have to decide if you feel comfortable with — I found it helped a lot, but I know some people find it hard to look at pictures of themselves.)
The other thing we did was experiment with a lot of different positions while kissing, mutually pleasuring each other, or even kinda dry-humping. I learned which ones felt the sexiest and which ones just felt weird, and also the ones I couldn’t manage because of fat or my stomach being in the way or whatever. I was much less inclined to feel embarrassed or ashamed because it was more of a “dress rehearsal” for the main event.
You’ll want to find a position that’s physically comfortable for your first time, and that gives you as much or little control as you want (and I definitely second having lots of foreplay and anything else you need to feel excited and at ease) but you also don’t want to use a position that’s mentally uncomfortable. If you find that being on top is the one thing that’s really, really freaking you out, there are other options. Flip through a sex bible at Borders and then dress-rehearse some of the ideas.
And after the first time, if you want to try a new move or position but are worried about how you’ll look, blindfold him!
I want to second and third etc. everything the other posters wrote before me. Plus stress this for truth: “sex can be fun and funny and goofy and that doesn’t mean it feels any less good!” by Sweet Machine. Get comfortable, and remember that he sees your body with the same love that you see his.
Also: once you two get comfortable with seeing each other naked and exploring each other’s bodies, I am sure you will get a boost of confidence from it and starting seeing your body a bit with his eyes.
I have large breasts that sag because I lost weight, I have excess skin on my belly, I have literally dozens of scars, but trust me, my partner and ex-partners love(d) every inch of my body because they loved me and two told me they had the most fun sex ever with me, because I was so relaxed about it. I was so relaxed about it because they showed me that my body with all its flaws is totally okay and sexy. I hope you will have the same experience. All the best to you and your partner, Sara!
If you can get your hands on Hanne Blank’s book, Big Big Love, I highly recommend it.
One thing I have trouble with when ‘on top’ is sometimes my pelvic area is very stiff – if I’m at all stressed out, my thigh and groin muscles tense up and I can’t stay in that position for very long without some discomfort.
Once you feel mentally and emotionally ready to go there, I recommend limbering up with some squats or yoga positions that open up that area and allow for some flexibility.
PS. Have fun! It’s worth the effort.
I wanted to add, don’t discount positions without trying them because you think they won’t work. I’m around 200 lbs. and my being on top works out great for us. I was about 230 for a couple of years while I was breastfeeding, and woman-on-top still worked just fine. It’s not my preferred position for orgasm, but my husband loves it and I like it too.
If you do try it, don’t worry about crushing/hurting him. I was really paranoid about this, which is silly because my husband is heavier than I am, and he doesn’t hurt or crush me when he’s on top. But he has assured me that I am not hurting him, and I’ve known women much larger than I am who’ve been on top without causing their partners any pain or injury. If something you’re doing actually does hurt him or cause him pain, he’ll say so. As long as he’s not saying so, assume it’s all good.
Oh, lord, in my (admittedly tiny) experience? When I’m on top, my husband can’t be bothered to think about anything at all except how hot I am, and, uh, that’s kind of unrelated to what I actually look like. And his favorite part of me? That squishy bit of flesh right at the top of my thigh, on the outside, sort of below my butt, which has ALWAYS been my least favorite part of myself. Until now. (It ain’t my favorite, but at least it’s been kicked off the PLEASE GO AWAY list.)
It took me forever to build up enough chutzpah to get on top, but once I did? Seeing his face was totally worth it. But yeah, let him stay on top at first, especially if he knows what he’s doing.
Clearly I’m not saying that you should generate all of your self esteem by saying, “well, my partner thinks I’m hot!”, but it doesn’t hurt to know.
Everyone here has some really good advice! Definitely listen to it. My experiences have been a little different, so I’m going to give you a little “worst case scenerio” advice instead.
My very first boyfriend refused to have sex with me on top or doggy style because he said he’d lose his erection if he had to look at me too much. My second boyfriend refused to have sex with the light on, go down on me, or to touch me on my belly, hips or thighs. I blamed myself and my body for their reactions and I stayed with them because I felt like they were doing me a favor by dating me in spite of my disgustingness. In the long run, this fed into my eating disorder, destroyed what little sense of self worth I had, and has done irreprable damage to my ability to form relationships. Even with all the work I’ve been doing on FA and accepting myself, I just don’t ever see myself really believing someone when they say they’re attracted to me and want to be in a relationship with me (as opposed to settling because they can’t get who they want).
The reason I say this is to illustrate that not everyone is going to be totally accepting and awesome about your body, even if you think they love you. Now, chances are everyone here is right and it’ll be great, but if he says or does anything that makes you upset or uncomfortable, don’t be like me! Say something to him immediately. If he didn’t realize what he said/did was hurtful, just tell him how you feel and what you need from him in the future and he’ll probably change it. If not, LEAVE HIM. You are not the problem and you do not deserve to be treated like one. If he can’t appreciate the gift that you’re giving him by sharing your life and your bed with him, then do not waste a single minute more on him!
But it probably won’t go down like that. Have fun, sweetie, and take care!
“I realize that my weight loss is a huge achievement”
Yay weight-loss???
It’s taken me FIVE YEARS since starting to have sex to be comfortable on top. That’s FIVE. And even now I only do it if I’m in a particular mood where I feel happy about it. (Being on top doesn’t actually do anything for me, but the look on my girlfriend’s face is totally worth it.)
You do not have to go on top right away; you do not have to go on top ever. It is very much an optional part of sex! If it’s that part you’re most worried about, just don’t do it. If he tries to move you during just say you’re happier here for now, til you get comfortable, as if he’s as nice and supportive as it sounds like he is, he’s going to respect that and it’ll all be fine.
Sex is awesome, btw, but for none of the reasons our culture tells you it is. It is not a test of how hot you can be or how well you imitate the girls in magazines, it’s all about connection and good times and giggling and weird noises and falling over and giving yourself permission to want exactly what you want, which can actually be really hard but is mindblowingly liberating. Sex is not srs business; it is just for fun. Start laughing about the inherent ridiculousness now and you’ll probably have a better time. Good luck!
Also, when my girlfriend (who is a bunch bigger than me, and I’m “obese” woo!) is on top of me I cannot even tell you what she looks like, because I am too busy DYING of HOT. And I daresay the same would be true of your boy.
If you’re a virgin and he’s experienced enough to have a preference about positions, the first thing he–and you–should be concerned about is that YOU feel comfortable and at ease. Missionary is much, much easier the first time. Tell him you’re looking forward to trying different positions as you become more experienced, but that the “first time” you’d like missionary. If he’s as great as you think, you’ll become more comfortable with less “exposure” and may even look forward to being on top.
Sara,
As the only man to respond and the husband to a wife that weighs the same as you do, if your man wants you on top then he has no problem with your weight. Considering your inexperience with sex if he loves you the way he says then he will take his time with you until you are more comfortable with bedroom activity.
My wife initially thought she was hurting me by being on top but once I started bouncing her up and down she forgot about her weight and just enjoyed the position.
Being a self professed lover of a woman with a big belly I think that my wife is the absolutely most gorgeous woman on the planet to the point that just rubbing her stomach excites me.
Bottomline if he loves you he thinks that your sexy or he would not have gotten so specific about sexual positions. Good luck in your relationship and on your sex education.
Yeeeeeeehaaaaaawwww…I love the qualifier stated above about it being okay for sex to be funny and goofy. My first time was in a backseat and I almost busted out laughing over the rocking car.
Being on top is fantastic. For me, it’s more stimulating and there’s this powerful sense of control because I get to set the pace and take us both for a ride.
I think the best advice I can offer is that if you’re not feeling sexy, fake it. That saying “fake it til you make it” applies here. Eventually, with a little practice, you will actually feel sexy instead of having to muster.
I’ve got a gut that gets in the way (weigh in at 320 lbs) but if I ignore it and push on, eventually I’m so wrapped up in the sensations I don’t care what I look like.
Also, consider making costumes a part of your love making. They can disguise the bits you’re insecure about and add to the sexy factor.
I’m going to agree with this: “All the guys I know are just so excited to have a naked chick in their bed, they aren’t critiquing the bodies of said naked chicks.”
From what I’ve heard form guys, the only thought regarding said naked chick’s body is something like “OMG booooooooooooooobs” not “hey, look, there’s a roll of fat on her stomach. Is that a stretch mark? Ew, there’s some cellulite. Well, maybe we should just call this off, because I’d rather wait until I find a supermodel that wants to do me than go ahead with this smart, awesome lady that I adore in every way. I just can’t get into (ha ha) the jiggle thing.” Nothing that complex is going on in there whilst in the presence of a naked woman. lol
You know, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to ease into it wearing a little bit of lingerie :) Something lace perhaps, on top, a babydoll lingerie ensemble. Then, as you’re more comfortable you can lose the accessories, if you want to- some folks I know find they feel more sexy in general with the lingerie.
Nudemuse has some Advice for the Virginal today! Timely!
If you’re going to have intercourse with your boyfriend, most likely you’ve been physically intimate with him in other ways before. Have you really not seen each other naked before? (If not, I’m surprised!)
If you have, why would he have changed his mind about you since the last time he saw you naked?
Good luck, have fun, and use protection!
I have to say I both admire and envy all of you. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never have sex again at this rate (weight.)
And to the OP-
Oh yeah, like someone else said, USE PROTECTION!
I, too, have lost quite a bit of weight over the last year and a half, and have a bad case of the saggy baggies. Newsflash: my man SO DOES NOT CARE, and if your guy is worth having sex with (let alone a relationship), he won’t either. In fact, he is most likely to be thinking about how incredibly hot you are and how incredibly lucky he is to be having sex with you.
If he’s not, you shouldn’t be with him anyway. :) Go forth and have fun!
Whatever life changes you’ve made that work for you are fantastic. It’s your life and your health and your body; you get to make your own decisions about it.
But you are not inherently sexier because you weigh 250 pounds than you were when you weighed 320 pounds, and someone who weighs 120 pounds is not inherently sexier than you at either of those weights.
Your partner is not a scale. Your partner is not a Weight Watchers’ group. Your partner is another human being who is charmed by you, attracted by you, turned on by you, maybe madly in love with you.
I can’t tell from the letter if this is true, but since no one else brought up this possibility, let’s assume it’s your partner’s first time having sex. He’s going to be as nervous and self-conscious as you are. If you focus on him and giving him pleasure, you’ll forget about your own insecurities, and he’ll think you’re just the most amazing woman ever. Ideally, he’ll be focusing on giving you pleasure, too.
On our honeymoon, my husband and I got stressed out about him not maintaining an erection whenever we tried to have sex. Once we turned around on the bed so he could push against the headboard, sex finally became that amazing experience everyone touts. I’m more than 100 pounds fatter than you, so mayhaps it’ll be easier for your partner to “go deep” than it is for my husband and me and you won’t have to use the headboard trick. If your partner has a difficult time “keeping it up,” don’t think it’s your fault, that he isn’t turned on by you. It might be something just as simple as he’s using muscles for the first time and getting tired out. Just turn around, and voila! success. :-)
Also, I recommend reading Dr. Kevin Leman’s book, “Sheet Music.” It was extremely helpful for us in preparing for our first time having sex because it walked us through how sex actually works. Surprise, it’s not like anything in those Harlequin romance novels! LOL
If you’re giving your virginity to this man, I hope he’s worth it, and that he’s respectful of you, generous, selfless, completely in love with you, etc. – traits that he should also exhibit in the bedroom. If not, what are you doing with him?
Oh, some other tips:
A) Practice using a condom. For fun, we tried to use a condom at one point on our honeymoon and failed miserably. They’re difficult to get on, even with two of us working at it.
B) If you or he has seen pornography, wipe all images from your mind. Real sex is nothing like movie sex and what you see in pornography. They are actors and performing. You don’t see what happens when the cameras stop rolling and between takes. The editors only show you what they think is best and most erotic. Which, in real life, isn’t always the case.
C) Sex is messy (although it might not be so messy if you’re using condoms), so keep tissues handy.
D) Don’t be afraid to be honest. My husband knows me well enough now to know when something doesn’t feel good, but when we first started having sex, I had to tell him. When I’m happy during sex, he’s happy.
E) Use your voice. My husband LOVES to hear the sounds I make during sex. I used to be as self-conscious about sounds as I am about my body, but he soon helped cure me of that.
F) LAUGH! Sex should be fun. It’s hard work, but it’s something that you are both willing to do, so work together and have fun while you’re at it. Don’t take it so seriously that you lose out on the fun. Yes, you’re being romantic, but the ease of laughing together can improve your emotional closeness and relieve the pressure of “performing.”
G) Don’t expect sex to be fabulous the first time around. It might be, but keep your expectations low. With practice, it’ll get better.
So, I recently figured out how to enjoy being on top, so I just thought I’d share. (And what everybody is telling you is true; guys love it when you’re on top because they can see more of what you’re doing.) But anyway, the motion is much more back and forth (parallel to his body) than up and down. If you try to move up and down a lot, you will wear out your quads in no time at all. Just a small tip :)
Wonderful sugestions, all of the above. Whatever you do, don’t forget to HAVE FUN! You wrote that you feel your body is “unpleasant” to look at. While the visual aspects of sexual intimacy can certainly enhance an encounter, a good partner is more interested in the pleasure that you two can give to and receive from each other. Your body can DO SO MUCH MORE than just be something for your partner to look at. Your body is an active partipant, not just a passive object to be looked at and acted upon. DO IT, whatever “it” is that pleases you both. Lingerie is fun, but don’t use it as camoflage–wearing it as an actress does for a role and then TAKING IT OFF makes for a helluva time! Play and laugh (and if you laugh at your little belly rolls that’s even better!) Trust me–the sounds and sweat and god-knows-what-else are potentially far more embarrassing than anything you may not like about your thighs. (Though you shouldn’t be embarrassed about those either–slap ’em and laugh and GOFOR IT.) I’d bet that your guy is aware by now that you aren’t a skinny little girl, and if he is still interested in jumping around in the sheets, then he might actually LIKE those bits that you are so worried he’ll see if you’re on top. (In fact, that’s why mine likes me to be on top–he can see and reach ALL of me that way.) Go out and have fun–work that body, even if that means jiggling and bouncing. BFD!
Not sure if I’m too late on this one, but my suggestion would be to find something that you like about your body and focus on that. I guarantee what you don’t like will fade out of your mind. Put all your energies into what you love, and take the unnecessary energy off what you don’t like.
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I lost my virginity to my husband when i was 22. I was extremely self concious. To be honest I still am. He had experienced more than i had/have. So I feel maybe he is comparing me to others. I know he loves me and tells me often how beautiful i am. But somebody can tell you that you are beautiful all day long. But in the end if you dont feel beautiful or believe that you truely are beautiful… it wont matter wat anybody else tells you. Same way if somebody thinks you are not pretty. If you know you are then that wont bother you. I am still self concious but its def not because anything he has/hasnt done. Its all in me. I want to try to loose some weight again. I went on P90X and lost 13 lbs and i felt sexy and amazing. I moved from Japan back to America and gained all that weight back. 13 isnt much but it was enough to make me feel great about myself! I was so proud of my accomplishment i walked tall and smiled more. So now i want to get back to where i was. Also looking into some yoga classes after reading about that on here.
Great topic!
I think a lot of woman walk with the same problem. I know i did!
I’ve always been a bit bigger then onther people. I was teased when i was young, and this eventually lead me to believe i was to fat. So i began eating (seemed like the only option back then!) I’ve struggled with my self-confidence. Along the way i learned that i never was fat.. they just teased me because i was big, and i made myself fat.
Well, a couple of years later and here i am. Not a depressed girl with low selfasteam, but a Big Beautiful woman. I had to learn to love myself. That’s the beginning. If you love yourself, other people will be able to love you to.
And where there’s love, there is no time for shame or body-issues.
It took me a long time to get to “the sex”. I was always nervous when i was on a date. the only thing i could think about was “will he be the one? Oh my god, what shoud i do? Will he film my big but disgusting? How do i cover these rolls?”. I never looked at them any diffrently until a few years back. There he was. When you meet the right person i doest matter if you are too big, too smal, too thin or too fat. You will know the instant you make that certan connection. I’m not talking about the penis-connection, but the real connection. It will be worth a lot more than sex.
Once you have got this connection, you feel free to talk about these things with your partner. He will understand you. Many woman fear this conversation, but this is something that will make you trust this person even more. He will only like you more for telling him the truth, and being honest about some things in your life. Love is sharing :)
Be proud of your body! No mather what i looks like or in what shape it is. Your man will see the real you, not the body you think you are. The connection is there, with or without clothes. I bet he’s not perfect either, but you look past his flaws? This is what happens when you are really fond of someone.
Once you will have this connection with someone, it will nog be about the sex, it will be about the intimicy. Don;t be afraid of your body, he will love it. And thust me, he will have an idea of what you look like naked.
I will end this looong story with something my boyfriend once said. When i had an insecure-body day, he said to me; dont worry about the jellybits! I love them. And when you are naked, the only thing i think of is “oh my god, there is a naked woman in my house. s-e-x! s-e-x! I chose you, and i chose all of you.” And then he fell asleep on my soft pillowlike belly :)
Good luck with everything. Wait for the connection, and all your worrys will be gone!
Sorry for the spelling.. English is not my language ;)
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