Help! My Sister is Fat!
The Guardian runs a feature called Private Lives, in which readers write in with their problems, and the Guardian’s expert provides her expert advice, along with a healthy helping of the peanut gallery’s remarks. The audience is encouraged to write in with their very helpful ideas on how to fix these people’s problems, and then there is a group hug and everyone breaks for cupcakes and small talk. It’s all very nosy, small-town, people butting in–but then, people were invited to butt in, and we love nothing more in the world than to tell everyone how we think they should live their lives, all in the interest of honest helpfulness and goodwill.
Except that this is the anonymous internet, and last week, when this question was posed, I was uneasy, and feared that the only cupcakes that would be evoked would be Cupcakes of Evil, and that ugliness would be unleashed.
My 23-year-old sister is seriously overweight. It’s not a matter of education or lack of knowledge about nutrition – she knows what good, healthy food looks like – and would naturally opt for a salad rather than a plate of chips. However, her portion sizes are very big and she eats more often than she needs to…I think she has come to associate food with love…[a]s a family, we are passionate about food; we all enjoy cooking and regularly have great family meals together…How do I get through to her, without damaging our relationship, that she will be happier if she eats less and exercises more?
But I was startled by the responses, which skewed in support of the fat sister and suggested that the thinner sister ought to hush:
Mind your own business. Your concern for your sister clearly comes from love, but you are not her doctor or her therapist, and you can’t “fix” her in the way you’d like to.
The expert’s opinion particularly struck me:
You also seem to feel it’s not right that your sister associates food with love. Why not? It sounds like your entire family associates food with love – that you strengthen the bonds between you when preparing and enjoying meals together. This sounds like a very beneficial association, particularly because the foods you choose are health-giving…
…Take a fresh look at your sister. She dresses stylishly and looks attractive. She has a supportive, loving partner who fits in with your family because he loves food. She knows what foods are nutritious, and those are the foods she loves. She has a great deal going for her!
Me, I would have said it a little more clearly: “She doesn’t ‘complain’ about her weight, though you clearly think she ought to–where do you get off deciding that it’s a problem? Don’t you have something better to do than weigh and measure her food? It sounds to me like you’re the one with the issues that need addressing.” I backspaced a lot of profanity, there.
Since I am cynical and also have been living in the world for 35 years, I know that a shitload of negative and hateful comments were carefully edited out by the Guardian’s staff–but that makes me even more pleased by what was left in. Every time a message in the media does not immediately skew entirely towards Fat is Evil and We Will All Die of Obesity, I am inordinately pleased, and have to celebrate, to collect these moments, articles like the one in The New York Times, books like Susie Orbach’s, and hope that enough of them will instigate a sea change.
But what do you think about the question posed? How would you have responded to it? What do you think of the advice that was offered?
Posted by jenfu
Filed under: Advocacy, Health, International, Media, Question, Weight Loss
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Thanks for this – it’s always nice to find some, if not fat-positive, then at least fairly sensible fat-related advice in the mainstream media (as much as the Guardian is mainstream, anyway :) )
The bit that struck me was the bit where the expert suggested that the comments the sister apparently made about being “larger than she would like to be” were seeking reassurance rather than advice.
“When you respond by suggesting that she needs to eat less and exercise more – however tactfully – you reinforce her perception that she’s different. That will only make her feel inadequate and even more of an outsider.”
And she then says “why not remind her of her assets whenever you can do so, with sincerity?” and that struck a chord with me. I am by no means the only fat person in my family, but I am the youngest fat person and the only one who doesn’t diet! And I still get regularly reminded that I lost weight when my teeth were in braces. Next time a family member says it, I’m tempted to say, “What a shame I’ve achieved nothing since. Except my degree, and a full time job supporting adults with learning disabilities. But they hardly count….”
I also quite liked this comment:
“Your sister doesn’t need reminding that she’s overweight. Every time she looks in a mirror or puts her clothes on, this will be all too apparent.”
It might be a bit blunt, but dear god I am bored of people pointing out that I’m fat like it should be news to me…
I think the part of the original question that got me was this:
How do I get through to her, without damaging our relationship, that she will be happier if she eats less and exercises more?
Oh really, sister? How do you know that? I’m sure there are a lot of people who would tell me to eat less and exercise more in order to be happy but if I did that, I’d be in the hospital. I’d be really, really quite ill. But apparently I’d be happy, so I guess that’s the risk one runs, eh?
Urgh.
“she eats more often than she needs to” was what stuck out a mile to me there. Yikes!
I would tell the concerned sister that you can be both overweight and happy, and that frankly, what she puts in her mouth is none of your business. I think it’s safe to assume this sister may be dieting, and is envious of the other one’s healthy relationship with food.
Awesome. I’m sick of people trying to tell fat people what to do as if they’re children. “You’ll be happier.” “I’m worried about your health.” Bull @#$!. You’re worried about the view and all the fat people who are marring it. Fat people aren’t helpless children who have no idea what their bodies look like. Trust me–society tells us enough what’s “wrong” with us. We don’t need our families getting in on the action.
But if you’re fat (or otherwise non-ideal) shouldn’t it be obvious that everyone else knows better than you what will make you happy? Besides, look at how happy anorexics are!
Amen. In these early days of the Obama era of personal responsibility, we shouldn’t accept the self-righteousness of people who think they know what’s best for the rest of us.
And by the rest of us, I mean us fat sisters.
I linked to you, by the way, because you are fun :)
Hi jenfu. I wrote the first reply (headed “Mind your own business”) so it was nice to see it quoted here, where I have lurked for a while but not commented! I actually wrote a mini-essay, but the Guardian obviously had to take the blue pencil to it. The only thing I wish they’d left in was the sentence after my suggestion that the sisters find a fun form of exercise that they could do together – I said that it shouldn’t be about weightloss, but about spending time with her sister because she loved her.
My own younger sister is very thin, but has never once commented on my weight. I realised this recently and thanked her for it. She said that she didn’t think it was any of her business, as long as I was happy. I hope the letter writer thinks about her sister’s feelings and realises it’s actual her own issue, not her sister’s.
I would have responded with this.
As with all things, no one can change someone else’s life. They have to do it themselves. Keep your mouth shut. Love your sister for who she is inside. Model good behavior without being preachy. And give her a hug. Just like an addict or someone struggling in an abusive relationship, all you can do is be there and let them know how much you care. Anything else will not be well received.
I appluad not only the Guardian, but you as well for posting this blog! What I do find interesting is the love that was recieved from the audience. It never fails to amaze me the love and compassion for us “big girls”
It is bad enough that I have to deal with the misnomers of those in retail decideing what and how I should dress (to hide and coverup and shop in obscurity) but another thing to have to defend my views about how happy I am with my curves… Especially if the dissent comes from my family!
Everyone of you are right! I applaud you.. thank you….
Keep it Curvy
Marie Denee