Thursday Open Thread
Here’s your open thread, with a tidbit to kick off discussion: a comment from Amy that has really stayed with me.
My own family has treated me differently now that I am thinner (though I’m 20 pounds heavier than my lightest weight in the past ten years).
I’m 5?10? and currently 246 pounds. At my heaviest weight of 274.5 pounds, my mom teased me constantly. Told me that no boy would ever want to date me at that weight. Told me I smelled bad. When we’d go to Lane Bryant, she’d feign an upset stomach and tell me that she had to go to the bathroom. Then she’d tell me to just try on clothes, pick out what I wanted, and she’d pay for them when she got back.
My dad never wanted me to go anywhere with him. He was rarely ever affectionate with me. He constantly insulted me. When I went to buy my Corolla back in 2005, he told my youngest brother Caleb that they “don’t sell cars to fat, ugly chicks,” then couldn’t understand why I got upset when he told me.
My brothers all called me names like Shamu and Free Willy. For a while there, I think my brother Adam forgot my name because he just called me “fat” instead. My two youngest brothers told me I’d be pretty if I weren’t so fat.
One of my coworkers would ask me if my “fat legs” were cold if I ever wore a skirt in the winter time. Then she watched everything I ate and commented on it.
Now, down from a size 26/28 to a size 16/18, things are different.
My mom not only stays with me when we go shopping at NY & Co. or Old Navy or JCPenneys, but she ASKS me if I want to go shopping. She helps me pick out clothes. She compliments me. I’ve really learned how to dress my body and wear my hair and makeup in very flattering ways, and she’s even go so far as to tell me that I am pretty or cute or whatever.
My dad tells me that he brags to his coworkers about how gorgeous he thinks I am. When I tried out for the Torrid Model Search, he told me that he had no doubts that a beautiful girl like me could win it. (I didn’t though.) He’s affectionate and treats me so much better than he did before.
My brothers are always telling me now how pretty they think I am. Whenever I try something on or decide on an outfit and run it by them, I cringe because I think that they’re going to tell me I look fat in it, and it surprises the hell out of me when they tell me that I look very pretty.
My coworkers have all gushed over my weight loss and commented on how “good” I am and how much they need to be like me and etc. I get stopped by women in other offices, who tell me how wonderful I look now. The men in the office eye me and some even flirt with me.
As for the whole dating thing, well, that hasn’t happened for me. I’ve never had a boyfriend, date, been kissed, had sex, and etc., and I think I could probably have those things now, but I’m still stuck in that mindset of boys won’t like me until I’m thinner. I still have times where guys flirt with me, but I don’t know quite how to respond because I’m not used to that. I’m used to guys making fun of me or telling me I’m built like a linebacker (I have broad shoulders and an athletic frame, which helps in a way because I don’t look close to my weight at all), so when they tell me they think I’m pretty or hot or whatever, I stand there bracing myself for the punchline.
I still want to lose about 50 more pounds, but just the 30 I’ve lost now has shown me quite a difference, and it’s completely terrified me about ever getting back to my original weight or more.
Feel free to discuss this comment or anything else in the open thread! Regular posting will resume next week.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Meta
Stories like this hurt my heart.
I’m really short, and have never weighed more than 165. But the emotional thrashing I took from some family members because of my weight stays with me.
My grandmother was the worst. She was unrelenting with my chubby mom, and she would always take my hand in public when a large person walked by and said — loud enough for them to hear, always — “Don’t EVER let yourself get like THAT!” It was her way of humiliating the fat stranger and shaming me and my mother at the same time.
In my adult life, I’ve worked really hard not to be like her. She’s 90 years old, is still slender and always very well put together. But she’s mean as hell.
And Amy, I’m sorry that famlial affection has been given only when you are thin enough to satisfy them.
Ouch! Conditional love. Does this family have some good points that haven’t been mentioned? How old is Amy? If I were her, I’d put some distance between myself and them – either physical or emotional distance – and look for new friends. You can’t choose your family, but you can choose who to spend time with.
That’s a hard story to read. I just cringe inside.
That has just got to diminish your self acceptance and self esteem to a 0.
I send Amy all the love and acceptance no matter what size she is!
I hope life gives you all you deserve!
Wow, I’ve always had the opposite. My mom yells at me if I don’t eat and tries to get me to gain weight.
Amy’s story rings *sooooo* true with me. I know it hurts and it’s painful — I’ve been experiencing rejection (not just from men, but friends family and my own peer groups for years).
Currently 320 lbs, each time I manage to get down to about 250 lbs I start to get “nice” comments and a few winks etc … but as none of my previous diets has lasted the course until I reached “goal” (whatever that is), this temporary phase of niceness has always evaporated.
I have blogged today about my first teenage crush / unrequited love and the damage that did to my self esteem.
I will be visiting here again.
Sharon
Funny, I have had both issues. At 40 pounds overweight it was clear that my family was embarassed of me. After losing 40 pounds and being so positively rewarded by parts of society; men seem to think my jokes are funnier, I am smarter and kinder – women tend to make more backhanded remarks since I am no longer the “fat friend”. Now my family thinks I don’t eat enough and am “obsessive” about my weight. You really can’t win.
Amy…I really know how you feel. I dieted (okay, starved myself on Optifast) down to a size 10 (I’m an apple-like 18-20 now) and was so petrified to gain it back, I developed an eating disorder. I was obsessed with gaining weight and almost suicidal every time I had to go up a size. And I did it all because I thought that my brother would be ashamed of me in his wedding party.
Please please please read the size positive literature out there and learn to love yourself for who your are, size be damned! I echo the thoughts of deeleigh above, if you can RUN.
Looks like I’m a day late, but I had to comment on this.
I likely have a body shape similar to Amy’s (5’11” and currently 230; highest weight = 272). I also had a few similar experiences with my family, just not as extreme. My mom is very thin, so I attribute most of the issues to her not understanding why I have the body that I have and to her fear of developing a body like mine herself.
Somehow, I developed a lot of confidence. Maybe too much confidence? I have a take it or leave it attitude and can’t fathom allowing someone to call me names, humiliate me, etc. I dated as a teenager, I’m married now, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt rejection because of my weight.
A woman on a weight loss show I watched yesterday made a comment about intimacy not being possible when a person is overweight. She made very broad statements that don’t represent my life at all. I was shocked and angry to be lumped into category of sex-hating, rejection-fearing women and I’m shocked and angry to read Amy’s comment, which to me, is another example of a woman letting society (and her weight) dictate her confidence level and happiness.
Based on my personal experience with friends, co-workers, etc., it is my opinion that people with no confidence, with intimacy issues, with a huge fear of rejection and with no self-esteem choose to allow these things into their lives. The fat doesn’t do it. A choice is made.
I don’t like being overweight and have lost weight recently, but I don’t feel any differently emotionally and haven’t been treated any differently by the people around me. They comment, but I don’t perceive their comments about my weight loss to be tied to my worth in any way. I like being able to buy smaller clothes, but I certainly don’t feel terrified that I might gain weight again. I think it’s incredibly sad that body shape and size can hold a life captive in the way Amy described in that post.
I hope this doesn’t come across as offensive and hurt or anger anyone. I just wish so much that more people would stand up and refuse to be treated negatively because of their shape or size.
I’m late to this discussion, too, but can relate to how hurtful family members can be. I’ve been up and down in my weight all my life, but one comment from when I was little (and ‘chubby’) has stuck with me all my life (I’ll be 50 next month.)
I was about 8 or 9, and steretypical ‘little fat girl’. I was waiting for my mom and dad to check out at the supermarket, and was riding one of those mechanical horses near the checkout lanes. I remember my dad saying to the checkout girl, “Have you ever seen an elephant riding a horse?”
I still feel that flush in my cheeks and deep sense of embarassment when I remember it, and I recall it as if it were yesterday. I know he had no idea how cruel it was; he was always the jokester and to him it was funny. But it hurt, and still hurts, even at my age.
Parents – think twice before you say cruel things to your children, whether they are overweight, ‘normal’ weight, underweight, or whatever. Words cause wounds that never heal.
Wow. I am stunned at the level of cruelty.
Amy, I hope you reach a place in your life where no one else’s opinion about you matters but your own. It took me a long time to get there but I did (I am 40 this year). My best defense for me when my family begins to say something is: “I did not give you permission to discuss my body. This discussion is over”. If they continue, I leave. I have left holiday functions, casual gatherings and have cut vacations short in order to take a stance about my boundaries. They consider me ‘difficult’. Good. I would much rather have them think that than have me think I deserve their ‘concern’.
I moved from Michigan to the west coast to put some distance between us and it has been the best thing I’ve done. I’ve built my life to where I want it and have the friends and support that lifts me. If you have the means, put distance between you and them and discover your own power and beauty on your terms.
I am late, really late to this conversation, too.
I got this treatment from my abusive ex-husband. I was too fat to be beautiful, too fat to be a good mother, too fat for sex, I turned him off, you name it, I have heard it all.
I am 5 foot 8 and a little over 400 pounds. Ok, stop gasping for air. This is me. I am the epitomy of the fat chick.
But I am also married for the second time to a wonderful man who loves me “unconditionally”. We have a great relationship, that includes sex. And yes women, at my size, do have sex. And enjoy it, too! It is all part of being in a loving relationship.
I live well, and travel, and live a life that I never thought in my prior marriage I ever would, or deserved to live. That was all in what my perceptions were. Now with clearer sight, I see that words are just that, words, they have no bearing on who you are deep down inside.
No one is going to love you the way you want until you can do that for your self first. Don’t settle, please. Life is too short. Don’t let what your parents and siblings and co-workers did to you color who are you are as a person. Those are words. You are so much more than that. And if you believe in God at all, He doesn’t make any mistakes and I bet you are beautiful inside and out!
I was never subject to such overt nastiness, but since I’ve lost weight, it seems like the only accomplishment my mother cares about. Never mind that I have a 4.0 and was just named an editor on my school’s paper, I’ve lost 55 pounds and THAT’s what matters!
People suck. I was really hoping it was just my family that was so cruel. My petite grandma was 5 feet tall and hot, literally, till the day she died. When I spent the summer with her between 7th and 8th grade, she wanted me to lose weight. She had me doing exercises every afternoon, alternating yoga and aerobics, which was cool, and she fed me vitamins. They gave me AWFUL diarrhea. It turns out she was feeding me Correctol. She told me flat out: No one will love you unless you are thin. We were doing yoga, and I was excited about mastering a pose, and she said, “Who cares, you’re fat.” I am 40 now, and I am like domergirl. It still hurts to my heart…so here is my advice. Take all that these wise women have told you and do it. Put some distance between you and these people who treat you so awfully–you are the one who chooses with whom you spend your time, and you do not have to be with people that do not deserve you. Lay down the boundaries. I love that idea. I wish I had thought of that 27 years ago!! You also have to realize that you do choose how you react to things and what people say. You will hopefully be able to let it roll off you and not take it to heart. Other people’s opinions do not determine your worth. You are beautiful and brave for sharing this story, too.
Oh, domergirll ::hug:: Please don’t let that hurt you – it positively wasn’t about you. It was about him being unable to reconcile society’s views. He wasn’t comfortable with himself, so he couldn’t be comfortable with you. That’s why he had to bring a stranger “in on the joke”. I’m sorry our families (in my case my father mostly also) were such insecure, unsupportive asses that treated us like status symbols that’d failed them – and not real people.
If anyone on this board would like to talk to someone, about anything, or delve into this more, my email is Its_Maria_Elena@yahoo.com – if we can’t have the families we want, we can have the friends we need.
Oh this is disgusting!
If you were my best friend, I would be shaking you and demanding that you do not allow these people to love you and support you when it’s convenient or comfortable for them to do so! Loving and caring for someone all the time is not always easy but it’s what you do when that person is important to you. Or at least more important to you than your own image is.
I can imagine that you allow them to “love” you now at a smaller size because you didn’t have it for so long and it feels good. It feels like you finally did something right. You should not have to convince them, or prove yourself to them or change yourself for them to love, care and support you.
This is emotionally taxing and absolutely awful. As hard as it is to step away from the people you’ve known (especially if there is not a lover, or a great group of friends) you have to do it. This yo-yo will never end. If you gain back, or you get hurt and cannot exercise regularly and gain it back, you will go through it again.
This kind of relationship will make you walk a tight rope for the rest of your life, if you let it. Now that you’ve taken some control on your weight, you need to take control of your life which includes your family.
Do not for one second believe you need to be treated like this to maintain a family or a particular weight.
This is sick and speaks volumes about your own family members self worth and views of themselves.
I would normally say I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but instead I will tell you to get strong and get the fuck out. Speak to them on your terms and become your own person. Love yourself while eating a bag of Cheetos or a banana, love yourself when you’re a size 16, 28, 32..it does not matter.
Get strong. Good luck.
Becca, I’m 5’6″ and somewhere between 350 and 400 lbs, I’m guessing. I found a husband who loves me and adores me and really enjoys having sex with me. It’s been absolutely wonderful and a great boost to my self-esteem. He’s also great about standing up for me when my family tries to tear me down because of my size. It’s a fabulous feeling, isn’t it?
The difficulty with intimacy for us, though, is that because I’m so fat, it’s hard to vary our positions. It would be nice to be able to figure something out – and I’ve read the fat sex tips online, but we haven’t managed anything creative. Oh well. We’re happy, and that’s all that matters.
Wow.
I admire you for trying to keep a healthy relationship with those people… Stories like this make me realize how fortunate I am to have my family… If it were me… I would have burnt that bridge. Burnt the bridge, tore down the approaches, and bombed the supply lines…
All I have to say is that, now that you have them eating from your palm, run away and see them cry as you wave goodbye. Move to another state where you have no relatives. Get a job there. If you are still in High School, go to University somewhere else. Or go straight into the real world, move to another state and get a job there. Find your inner voice. Find your talents and exploit them. Learn to love yourself. Be your own girlfriend, whether the boyfriend comes or not. You don’t deserve to be with a family that only loves you if you follow certain conditions. It’s meant to be unconditional love. lolcats would say “famly. ur doin it wrong”.
Burn the bridges, like Jadette said. Even change your surname if you want to. Someone I know did it as soon as it was legal for him because his father was abusive towards him and his mum. Your father is being abusive towards you. Bingo. Sometimes that’s the best thing you can do. Stand out firm and say “I don’t deserve to be related to this pack of bastards”. They are bastards because they surely didn’t deserve to be born. Or maybe they did: so they could have you. Flowers can grow from concrete and shit.
Amy, I hope you’re reading these thoughts on what you wrote. I hope that what you’re reading sinks in and is something you can believe. Because here’s the thing: “fat,” “thin,” in-between — no matter what your size, no matter what your body type/shape, YOU ARE LOVEABLE and YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. For who you are, dammit, and not who others want you to be.
I’m truly saddened that your family and others around you are so shallow that they put conditions on such a basic human need, but please don’t buy into the crap they’re selling you. Don’t let yourself be convinced that losing those “about 50 more pounds” is going to make you more loveable or that it will make others love you (more). Please, please, please — you can be a smart, funny, kind, lovely woman at ANY size, you are LOVEABLE at any size, and you DESERVE to be loved at any size, not just when you perform a trick (albeit a challenging one, losing weight) that gains the approval of a fickle audience.
Don’t feel bad about that dating thing, when I was 318 lbs, obviously I knew why guys didn’t want to date me, but now I am 163 (5’11”) and while everyone keeps telling me I look like a supermodel, still NO guy ever asks me out.
Seriously wonder why.
What they want or like I have no clue whatsoever.
Just live your life and be happy yourself
Holy crap. I never expected my comment to be a point of discussion. For those who asked, I’m 25.
Thank you all so much for all of the words of advice. You are absolutely right.
And you know what? I am actually trying to get a job in another state, far from home, so I can finally get my life on track and fully escape all of the bullshit I’ve dealt with my entire life.
Thanks again to all of you. I’d hug every one of you if given the chance. :)
Family is so important when it comes to attitudes about weight, especially when you are younger. The idea that love is conditional based on how you look, is kind of like not loving someone at all. I am fairly lucky, even though I knew my parents were never thrilled with my weight, they did not treat me badly because of it. The most important thing I can state, is that when people are judging you (no matter who they are) their opinions have alot more to do with them and their problems, not you and yours.