How Do Strangers Treat You?
I’ve read a lot of blogs and books and heard a lot of anecdotal evidence from people who have lost weight, especially a great deal of weight, talking about the radical difference in how they are treated when they’re fat versus when they’re thin. (You also hear this from celebrities who have put on and taken off fat suits.) The other day I was doing an informal interview and I was asked about this issue. I never know how to answer this inevitable question—it seems like people want to hear how horribly I am treated every day, on the street, by strangers, as a fat person. Not even isolated incidents of hate, but that general sense of “invisibility” that so many people talk about—invisibility that melts away once the fat is gone.
The truth is, I told the interviewer, I don’t see it. I’m an outgoing, friendly, confident person, and that might be part of it. I smile at people like a lunatic; I make eye contact; I flirt. And in return, people are basically nice to me. Is it because I put out a positive energy, and get positive energy back? Is it because I’ve always been overweight, and I have a different standard—that I don’t know what it’s like to be treated in this magically cool, non-invisible way that’s supposed to exist for thin people? I finally speculated that it’s because I live in the San Francisco area, a notoriously accepting place. The people who live here don’t care if you’re fat, thin, queer, transgendered, mentally ill, or even a hippie. So of course they’re nice to me. But is that even true?
So tell me… fat, thin, formerly fat, formerly thin, whatever, I’m dying to know. How do people treat you? Or have you observed this phenomenon in action? Do you think there’s a difference between how fat people and thin people are treated? And if so, what specifically does that mean? Because for whatever reason, I just can’t relate, and I just don’t understand.
Posted by mo pie
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It’s been very eye opening for me to realize that the biggest difference in how I’m treated after losing weight came from my own mother.
Not strangers, and not even my roommate during that time, who never even mentioned it (she, coincidentally, had the same body proportions I did).
It seems pretty obvious to me now that how we’re treated by other people has a lot to do with those people projecting their own issues on us.
I’m petite, and since my teens I weighed 125 pounds, which is not actually overweight; but I wasn’t fit or curvy, so I didn’t carry it very well. My mother, who as long as I can remember has been quite overweight, never outright called me fat, but made it a point to ‘let me know’ what a shame it was that I was too heavy and thus not pretty/attractive enough any time my appearance was mentioned.
After a decade of this, I lost 15 pounds due to a pretty debilitating back problem that required surgery to treat, and in the year and a half since then every time I see her I’ve been hearing nothing but non-stop comments about how incredibly thin I am now and how wonderful it is. All of a sudden she has nothing but praise for me and thinks I’m the perfect daughter.
At first I was bothered, but after awhile I became outright disturbed every time she mentioned my weight. It’s like I never had any other value to her except for my perceived physical attractiveness according to her standards of beauty, and my finally being ‘thin’ now is so significant that it’s the only thing worth noting about me. This continues even after I’ve explained to her that, no, I didn’t go on any magical diet; I spent weeks being in excruciating pain every time I moved and therefore not being able to get up from the floor to eat enough to keep my body weight.
This week I saw her again, and she finally just said straight out that I used to be fat; clearly meaning that that’s a terrible thing to be, and what a relief it must be for me not to look so awful anymore. Yes mom, thanks so much for making it absolutely clear what you’ve really thought about me all these years.
Even besides the issue of how skewed someone’s perception has to be to consider that weight fat, there are no words to describe how offensive I think it is to say that a woman weighing 125 pounds = ugly = awful.
You know what was terrible for me? The 2+ years I spent suffering with the pain from my busted back.
The things I’m relieved and thankful for every morning? That I can get up out of bed at all, and then actually walk. That I can go to sleep without practically overdosing on Rx painkillers. That I don’t have liver damage from all those drugs. That I haven’t become crippled for life at age 25 like I thought I was.
My mom only cares about how thin I apparently look in jeans and high heels, and how skinny my arms are even in that thick sweater. It makes me want to gain 50 pounds just to get her to leave me alone again; the veiled comments about my weight were never this disturbing.
I wish society didn’t provide people with justifications for judging others and treating them as deficient and subhuman based on arbitrary and ridiculous things that have no relation to someone’s value as a person. It seems like there’s something terribly wrong in our culture when someone’s closest family members feel they have the right and even obligation to insult her current or past appearance just because they’re unhappy with their own looks.
I grew up extremely thin and had difficulty gaining weight. When I graduated high school, I was 5’7” and weighed 98 lbs. My family never expressed concern at how thin I was. In my 20s, I was 5’8” and usually wore a size 5.
My worldview was probably influenced by being not only thin, but also being attractive, having a massive rack, and most certainly being young.
When I was waiting tables, a much older man gave me a $100 tip for a cup of coffee, other men sent me drinks, and for the most part, I was wined and dined and treated like a goddess. If I needed help with my car, moving, something repaired, there were always men falling over themselves to help me.
I came to believe that men were always very nice to women, that men loved us, even adored us and that is why we received preferential treatment. I really did not understand that men were doing all these nice things because they wanted to fuck me. I assumed since there was no hope of them ever getting into my pants, that they were being nice because men were nice. Whether they were 16 or 60, they treated me like a queen.
Let’s fast forward to my 40s, a difficult pregnancy and still unable to make my weight budge, except now I’m a size 18. Countless diets, lots of exercise, doctors, etc, and none of it makes any difference. My MIL called me a truck, told me I am disgusting at this size, asked how can I eat anything knowing how I look, doctors treating me like I’m subhuman and telling me to diet and exercise (ignoring that I was doing that), an aunt asking me if my husband finds my weight “distasteful.” My fitness instructor telling the class that my problem was too much fried chicken. My own mother offering to pay for weight loss surgery, telling me that she wants to manage my diet because obviously, I’m doing something wrong. My husband telling me that he’s never seen anyone work so hard to lose weight and nothing happening, then divorcing me because I was going to be fat forever. Oh, he had been unhappy awhile, but everything else was forgivable.
My size was never a big deal to me, until I realized how big of deal it was to everyone else. This was the most important thing – my weight.
I have come to notice a stark difference in men. First, men that I am not even interested in assume that I am desperate and want to date them so they feel like they must make it clear to me they are not interested. Even married men do this. One married guy told me that he did not cheat, but would consider it if I lost 50 lbs.
Another single guy who I think is a real loser in life, looked me up and down and told me he divorced his wife because she got fat.
Yet another man told me that being fat wasn’t my problem, it was merely the first indication to a man that I did not want to be “pleasing.” Yes, he told me that if I wanted to be “pleasing to a man,” I would lose the weight. This would indicate that I was agreeable and compliant. He even admitted he would date a thin crack whore over a fat woman who was perfect in every other way.
Fat men have rejected me in the dating world for being fat. Recently, I was fixed up with a much older man, who was also fat. We had a great time, we laughed, had an interesting conversation, we seemed to have a lot in common, but he doesn’t want a fat chick for a girlfriend. Apparently, I have all the other qualities he’s looking for in the dating world. The friend who fixed me up did so because she thought he’s such a great guy and not shallow at all.
None of my good qualities really matter (I’ve been told this by men), because they don’t really care about what I do for living, whether I’m successful or smart as hell. For the most part, men want someone to fuck and someone who is going to enhance their image.
I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, but this has been my experience with men over 40. It doesn’t matter how confident I am, how well I am dressed, where I am or how I present myself, I am defined by my weight, and my value is greatly diminished by it. It isn’t even being invisible, it’s outright hostility.
you dont mention the ethnicity of the men–its been my experience that its mostly white men who are like this–ive always been on the thick side, and at 48 im just plain fat–in the ‘hood, i get treated much better than i ever did in the white-bread suburbs
A couple of things I forgot to include. . .
After I had my baby, I was a size 16. My mother-in-law sent me an outfit for a birthday present. It was a size 24. I told her it was too big for me and I’d like to return it for a smaller size (it was hideous), she told me to not bother, but to hang it in my closet. The implication being that at the rate I was going, I would be a size 24 in no time. The sad part about this is that my own mother did the exact same thing with a gigantic, black-and-white print bubble top. I think they actually conspired on this, because soon after, my mother bought and hung a full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door.
On some dating sites, the users can see who looked at their profile. I’ve had men actually email me and tell me “don’t bother” thinking that I was interested in them. Most of the time, they curse. That was the weird thing, they thought because they were thin and I was not, that I would automatically want them and they must repel the fat chick. The other issue is the number of fat men who rejected me. . . for being fat. They didn’t bother to get to know me, it was like they are catalogue shopping for a date. They did not see themselves as fat, and believe that whatever weight they were in college, they are merely two weeks away from attaining once they hit the gym.
Most men talk about wanting an “average” woman, not realizing that average is a size 14. To them, average is a size 8 or 10, slender is anything under a 6. When they talk about “athletic” it is more about a body type than an actual lifestyle. I stupidly thought I was athletic because I worked out four days a week and played sports. I always felt like they needed only two categories, “under a 12” and “hugely and grossly fat.”
As my one girlfriend pointed out, Internet dating is brutal to your self-esteem and sets men up to feel like if they just look long enough, the girl of their dreams is going to pop up on the screen. They don’t have to invest any time into actually dating, they can endlessly troll.
The really bad thing? If I was ever to be thin again, I couldn’t date. I would constantly wonder how that guy would treat me if I was fatter. I see the look in men’s eyes, as if it is an insult that I dare to pollute their view with my unattractive body.
I used to really like men until about a year after my divorce and I started trying to date. I had no idea how utterly hostile they are toward women who dare to get old and fat. I seriously think this is contributing to why I have not lost any weight.
Leslie, Your posting really stuck in my brain so I am finally getting around to replying. First of all I would like to say that your husband did NOT leave you because you were fat. He was leaving because he was leaving and if you weren’t fat he would have found something equally hurtful to say. As for all those other nasty men, frankly if they are as shallow as they sound you are better off with out them. Where do they get off thinking that they are such catches anyway! How dare they think that you would stoop to date them no matter what size you are. Clearly they aren’t worth any woman’s time and certainly not yours. Yes being in your 20’s is a time in your life when men fall all over you. I remember when I once made $50 in tips in one hour serving drinks—at a DRY bar all because I was 20 and wearing a “wench” costume. I was NOT blonde, a size 5 and I had (and have) boobs that were a Playtex “nearly B.” If you are under 30 and not singularly unattractive men will do anything to get your attention, it has nothing to do with being blonde or skinny. As for your doctor and fitness instructer, replace them! Preferably by fat ones. My doctor is fat and she has never told me to lose weight, she knows that it is difficult to impossible to achieve. As for my fitness instructor, I quit the gym and took up yoga. So much more relaxing to hear affirmations than screamed abuse. My mom used to tell me I was fat on a daily basis. So I told her off. She hasn’t said a word about it since. Your girlfriend is right, dating websites are by and large a Meatmarket where bored men looking to have an affair endlessly troll. Try some more reputable sites such as Match.com or better yet, employ a reputable Matchmaker. You were a beautiful skinny girl, now you are a beautiful fat girl and you deserve a lover who loves you at the weight you are, not the weight you used to be or might be. Interesting fact: When I was 165Lbs and over 30 I got ignored by men, now that I am 200Lbs (and not getting any younger) I get whistled at on the street. What is the difference? Confidence. I have a lover who thinks I am stunning at every weight and I am begining to believe it. I wish the same for you. Stay flabulous sweetie!
I have not found much difference in treatment because of my weight. Which may have more to do with 30 years of living in a small town 12 miles from the small town I grew up in, and working at the same job for the last 20 years.
Somewhat on the topic of internet dating, my husband and I are swingers. We participate in some internet swinger sites. This is a lifestyle that is based on sexual attraction. We are both fairly large folks. We make that clear upfront, and in our photos. Some people are attracted, some are not. You develop a fairly thick skin as a swinger – you’re going to be turned down as often as not, regardless of your size.
One thing you learn in that lifestyle is that you have no idea why someone turns you down. No doubt sometimes it’s size, but it can just as easily be any number of other factors. Could be your height, your age, your hair color (or lack of hair), or the fact that you remind them of their Aunt Martha. There are a few fairly common rules of swinger etiquette, including: If you’re turning someone down, a simple “No thanks, we aren’t interested” is the way to do it – no need to say why; and if you are the one being turned down, you don’t ask why – it really doesn’t matter.
My point being, it’s easy to blame rudeness on your size – and sometimes, that IS why people are rude. But not every time, and in the big picture, why they are rude or treat you badly doesn’t really matter. You can’t change how people feel about you, but you can control how you react to them.
Confidence is important, as you live your life – but if someone is determined to be an asshole to you, confidence isn’t going to change that.
Maybe I’m off topic but I noticed some commenters saying you wouldn’t get the drive by insults if you were thin, and it got me thinking about what else you would get made fun of about if the driver was under the gun to insult you in such a short amount of time and now I’m giggling like a dope in my cubicle. :)
vrrr “Ifullyseethatcurlythinginyourhairyoutriedtoironout” vrrrr
vrrr “youspendtoomuchmoneyofstuffyoudon’tneed” vrrr
vrrr “yousometimesdon’tkeepyourpromises” vrrrrr
I just had the most horrible experience. I am 39 and very overweight. I took my children 15 and 11 out for a lovely night out on the town. As i was walking with them 4 gentleman (not) starting laughing and made crude comments out loud so my children and i could hear with regard to my weight. I am so humiliated not just for me but for my children. WHY do these ugly people think its ok to make fun of overweight people like we have no feelings. I know i am fat. My kids know i am fat. Why is it so funny and what do they get out of humilating me and my children?
Becky, I’m so sorry that happened to you.
There’s something about pushing someone down that can really seems to lift up a group. Those guys were just a bunch of ******* and just believe that eventually karma will get them.
I’ve always been a skinny girl, im really tall really skinny long skinny arms and chicken legs, i eat normally and all im just plain skinny and not ‘good’ skinny. i have found that im mostly ignored by men, i have had a few negative comments from men and i think i could count them on one hand i remember at a bar waiting to buy a drink an older man turned to me and pretty much yelled in my face “why dontt you f’n eat something your digusting guys dont find that attractive” before walking off, i was pretty shocked, another time was my brother in law telling me i should eat a burger, but normally guys go for the curvier girls but arnt mean about it, most of the negative attention i get is from women. I feel very uncomfortable in a room full of women, i dont like going out, i even stress before work about what other women are going to say about my weight. I think im a nice person im pretty shy and uncomfortable about the way i look around others but i get seriously mean comments from women very often. women are very cruel to each other. friends have told me before that when they first met me they assumed i was a bitch because im skinny.. weird. im tired so this comments probably crappy and incoherent but yes we women can be a mean bunch.
Honestly
I have been thankfully raised from a young age to not care what strangers think at all and focus on finding inner peace. Fat discrimination from strangers honestly at times can be similar in many ways to racial discrimination.
Imagine people simply hating you or treating you differently because of how you look? Not getting a job because you are ‘fat’ because you are perceived as lazy is no different than not getting a job because you are ‘black’ and perceived as ‘lazy’. You always have 2 face stereotypes. I know that ‘fatness’ is a universal experience but it can definitely be compared to the experiences racial minorities have or even to age discrimination etc. etc.
as a fat, queer hippie ( I just loved that line) I have to say that where I live (Alberta, Canada) I am treated the same as I see other people being treated. With the exception of a few isolated incidents, I can’t sat say that I have ever been treated rudely because of my size…or maybe I have just never noticed if I have been. If i go out shopping the clerks always treat me well, i often joke and laugh and have good conversations with most of them, I ever flirt up a storm most of the time and it is well received.
As for myself, I have been both heavy and thin. I usually say to others that when you’re skinny women hate you and when you’re fat men hate you which I know is definitely an exaggeration. For the most part it is what you put out there that you get back but there are those times when its not. I live close to Chicago in a small town where most people are friendly. I have however, lived in other towns and I find that people in other places can be much more friendly and fun too. I think the atomosphere here is more about who you are, what you have, instead of your weight. In the end someone is responsible for the way they treat someone cause karma can be a bitch. I used to try to make someone feel better if they treated me bad but I really know now that this only tears me down because this is “who I am”
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I am an American who currently lives in an Asian country, and every time I step outside my apartment, I get treated badly. My weight is a source of endless amusement, shock, and disgust to everyone. There are varying grades of response. Some gawk openly. Some point. Some laugh. Some talk about my appearance as if I had no idea what they were saying…as if I were an inanimate object for them to react to, or an animal escaped from a zoo.
I am objectified and dehumanized day-in and day-out because I’m fat, and it has nothing to do with a lack of “positive energy” on my part and everything to do with the way this culture is populated by thin people. I don’t think people “hate” me, but they certainly don’t treat me as anything resembling a person. They simply feel that they do not need to treat me with the respect they treat other human beings because of my weight.
The people who say that confidence will fix being treated badly should spend a week where I live. It’s not your confidence that is at issue. It’s the lack of character of the people around you. The idea that your lack of self-esteem justifies other people treating you badly is absurd. It paints us all as having a pack mentality and sensing those that are weak and attacking them. Aren’t humans supposed to be somewhat further evolved than that?
The jerks will always be jerky, and confidence won’t stop them. But it WILL help you hold your head high as you walk past. And not everybody is a jerk. Decent human beings (they exist in multitudes, and just need to learn to speak up more) respect and appreciate confidence and find it attractive.
I’m 5’9, 195 lbs., and I’ve been a size 14-16 and sometimes 18 all my life. I have a big personality and bold features–thick dark wavy hair, olive skin, big boobs, long legs–to match.
Ten years ago, I had triplets. As you can imagine, my midsection is…complicated looking, not your desirable hourglass shape and not the solid pregnancy bump, but this amalgam of a too-high pot belly, rolls, and stretch marks up to my ribs and around to my back. It’s not my favorite thing, but I can’t hate the belly because it’s proof I survived something so difficult that it’s proof of my of physical and mental badassery. Seriously, having triplets would break lesser mortals. My self-esteem is pretty well bullet-proof at this point.
When I go out, I talk and joke and coo over everybody I come into contact with. I throw flattery around like it’s confetti. It’s like my own little party wherever I go and most people want to join in.
Every now and again, though, I find myself being completely ignored like I’m embarrassing. Of all the little slings and arrows of body discrimination I’ve endured over the years, being invisible pisses me off the most. I’m not on the prowl–happily married, 4 kids–I’m not selling anything, I don’t want anything besides basic human interaction, and yet there’s a certain type that just waits for me to quit talking and fuck off so they can get to the real people.
I suppose that I’m off the hook now and don’t have to worry about anybody’s opinion of me anymore, though. So is that it? Am I an old lady at 36 and now I can wear purple? It’s kind of a mixed blessing.
Leslie said, “…men that I am not even interested in assume that I am desperate and want to date them so they feel like they must make it clear to me they are not interested.” I’ve had this experience too, so often that I think of myself as the Magical Girlfriend Detector. When I’m introduced to a straight guy he’ll almost immediately make an awkwardly timed reference to his girlfriend or wife, just so I know he’s taken and don’t start rubbing myself all over him in lust or something. It’s awkward, it’s obvious, it’s constant. And it’s disappointing. Maybe I just wanted to have a conversation with the dude, but after that signal to back off, now I don’t.
This behavior also works as gaydar, because if a newly-introduced guy is a pleasant, natural conversationalist and seems interested in what I’m saying, I can pretty quickly guess that he’s gay. I’ve made some great gay friends this way, but still, I’m severely disappointed in straight men and how deeply they seem to have fallen for all of the negative stereotypes of fat women.
I’ve read through this thread and found the honesty and candor of every single person very moving.
I want to echo the sentiments of those who felt that the emphasis on being “bubbly” and “confident” and “you get what you put out there” is sort of besides the point when it comes to being insulted by strangers. I’m very shy, apologize when I bump into strangers, etc. I’m 30 years old and have been overweight since I was about 8, with a highest weight of 235 and a lowest adult weight of 182. I’m 5’7 and around 220 now.
Once I was threatened with death by a man on the subway who apparently didn’t hear me say “excuse me” to him as I made my way onto the incredibly crowded car. He proceeded to make the most atrocious kind of comments about his perceptions of my appearance– with emphasis on my size, shape and skin colour– and what he presumed about my personal life based on said appearance. Tacked onto these delightfully abusive assumptions were threats that he would kill me “right here on the subway, kill yo ugly ass”, made to his female companion, who laughed and agreed with him. My favourite comment, though, even more than “28-year-old virgin”, was “got nothin’ better to do than go to work every day.”
This happened a couple of years ago, and, as I recall, I burst into tears the second I made it to the privacy of a ladies’ room stall at work. Although the man was obviously crazy (“nothing better to do than go to work”??), it was his comments about my fat and how I was “obviously a virgin” that stuck with me at the time.
I’m deathfat, have always been that way (well since puberty). I am a happy, outgoing, bubbly, funny, flirty woman. But I still get some shit. It used to hurt terribly, but now I just hand that shit back to it’s owner, not carry it myself.
Mostly it’s people thinking I am either not capable of something or that I am ashamed of my weight – both wrong.
However I have had a couple of really, really horrendous incidents. The first was a well-dressed, woman in about her 40’s pushing me on an escalator, so hard that I had to grapple for the bannister to stop myself falling down the escalator stairs. When I said “Excuse me! Did you have to push me?” she turned around and said “You shouldn’t be so fucking fat.”
The second was I was on a train to work one day when a group of young guys started doing the usual thing of barking and making mooing noises. One of them took out his mobile phone and took a photo of me, without even hiding it, and then texted it to his friends. I was devastated at the time, and arrived at work in tears, but when my boss asked me a few questions, I was able to identify the logo on their work clothes and describe them. She called the company and demanded the manager, whom she then told that she would not rest until these young men had been disciplined by their workplace for their behaviour.
The manager was horrified, and he certainly took the entire situation on board and in his words “Tore those guys a new arsehole.” They were all at risk of losing their jobs if they had another incident on their records.
I’ve been some degree of fat for my entire adult life, and mostly I’m just… ignored. On the street, no one looks twice. I get yelled at from a car once or twice a year. People in stores may sometimes avoid coming up to me, but when I approach them, they’re friendly about 99% of the time. I have a pleasant and positive attitude, which helps tip social interaction in my favor.. maybe. Like others have said, your “attitude” is only one of many factors on how the world treats you. Local culture, how you’ve dressed that day, and… like… the phases of the moon will have an impact on your Existing While Fat experience.
How I dress DEFINITELY impacts how I’m perceived. On an average day I’ll wear some jeans and a t-shirt, no makeup and adornment, and the world leaves me alone. If I jazz myself up all Fatshionista-style and apply wild eye makeup… well. Geez. My co-workers fall all over themselves to compliment me. I’ll get the occasional doofy grin from a guy. I recently wore a nice sundress and heels while walking back and forth to the coffee shop and got two car honks, one dude loudly declaring what he’d like to do to me (ew) and two old ladies lookin’ positively scandalized. (Apparently a fat girl showing some leg is very alarming. I don’t know.)
It leaves me a bit torn. Getting dressed in the morning is now no longer about “will this be appropriate for the weather?” but “am I in the mood to get catcalled today?”. Selective invisibility can be a blessing. And I’ve spent so many years in that state of disregarded invisibility, that it’s much more comfortable to be safely in the shadows than it is to be striding about captivating everyone’s attention.
“…that it’s much more comfortable to be safely in the shadows than it is to be striding about captivating everyone’s attention.”
I’ve been bigger, and I’ve been smaller. And it’s like Lampdevil says — for a woman, it’s not that losing weight in this society actually takes your problems away. You just end up with a different set.
I’ve yo-yoed with my weight and sizes since I was in elementary school. Since high school the biggest I’ve been is a size 20 the smallest is a size 12 (which is now). I’ve noticed that mostly strangers that are older then me tend to be friendly towards me no matter what size, where as strangers my age tend to be nicer to me when I’m smaller. But when I am a smaller size strangers give me more compliments and tend to treat me nicer and want to talk to me longer.
I have always been a size 18 and have dated at this weight all my life. I have been married for 15 years to a Italian guy who loves fatties. My prior boyfriends were from other countries such as Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Turkey and Greece. Many of them seem to prefer heavy ladies. Right now I am 48 and weigh 220. I feel great about myself and have had a wonderful life..including a spectacular sex life! I dress nice, wear make-up and take care of my looks in general. I have always been fat so have nothing to compare how I might have been treated had I been thinner. I think people treat me very well and men still hit on me. I also come from a long line of take charge plus size beauties.
These stories make me terribly sad. :(
I’ve always been very slender until recently. I was a size 0. Now I wear a size 10-12. It depends on the brand. My weight is about 160-165.
Anyway, people treated me badly when I was thin. Now that I’m slightly overweight for my height, there is very little difference. People are still mean and disrespectful.
I’ve noticed that men don’t treat me like a prostitute anymore. When I was thinner, I was often sexually harassed. It is still a problem sometimes but not that bad anymore.
Gina…I can relate to what you said. You try to be nice. You try to make conversation. But people don’t want anything to do with you if you don’t look the way they believe you should.
This happens to me often. I’m 26 years old and happily married. I’m not trying to date the little boys at my university. All I want to do is be able to talk and smile and be friendly without being ignored or treated like I don’t deserve to be here. I hate feeling invisible. Some people will go out of their way to make you feel shitty. Their eyes will skip over me because they want to talk to somebody more “interesting” and “relevant”. Because, ya know, it’s not like I matter!
Sometimes I wonder if they treat me this way because I’m not conventionally attractive. But there are plenty of girls on my campus who aren’t models or beauty queens…they still have friends. My attitude is good. I’m shy, sweet, and sensitive. I have a bubbly personality. I love to have fun. I’m not the most stylish person but I’m clean and well-groomed.
But I believe that on some level my weight, looks, and racial background play a part in the assumptions that people have about me.
I’ve never had anyone yell out a car window to me (that I know of), or any disparaging remarks made to my face, except for “Whoa, big mama” when I was 14. However I still worry about what kinds of silent judgment people pass on me, or what people say when I leave the room. I’m 20 years old, 5’6″ and wear a size 20. I go to college, and I’ve noticed that most guys don’t give me a second glance (and in most cases, even a first glance). I get compliments from girls about my hair (I have waist-length dark brown wavy hair), but nothing else. I am in a happy relationship with a guy I’ve known practically all my life, and so I’m not looking for romance, but watching every other girl get attention from guys might eventually make one doubt themselves, you know? I’ve learned to dress to fit and accentuate my shape, which raises my confidence–that is a huge chance from when I was in middle and high school.
A major thing I’ve noticed all my life, especially now that I’ve “grown into” my curves, so to speak, is that I don’t remember ever getting attention from white guys, except my dear boyfriend. I am purely invisible to white men, except when I absolutely must converse with them. Black, Middle Eastern and Hispanic men are a different story altogether–it is hard for me to go to the grocery store without someone asking for my number or asking if I’m married. But white guys look through me like I’m made of glass. Is it because of the distribution of fat on my body (I have a big butt and a curvy waist)? Or because I’m slightly tan (I’m part Cherokee)? Or maybe white guys are more affected by media standards than minorities are? Don’t get me wrong, I do not see minority guys in a different caste than white guys! But there is such a difference there that I cannot help but notice it. Karen posted in 2008 that she noticed the same thing, but no one else posted anything like this until now. Does it happen to anyone else? And why do you think that is?
I also notice that when I go into certain stores, the attendants totally ignore me, especially when I shop in the junior’s sections, in which I can wear their largest size tops, but not their pants. Waitstaff give more kind attention to my boyfriend or thinner friends than to me, as if I am going to make them run back and forth in order to feed me. It’s annoying, but whatever; those people have an effect on my life only if I let them, right? I can’t affect their attitudes, only my own.
its not that white guys are more affected by media standards–the standards are set by rich white men–and ive had a similar experience–at age 48 and 250 pounds, im virtually invisible 2 white guys–in the ‘hood its a different story–a burger king manager near where i live is always super nice and flirty w/ me and i think he’s half my age–lol
about the whole minority guys liking curvy girls- its true, but curvy and fat (size 20) are two completely differant things…just saying. I am a size 8 with curves and 5’7”…. I get attention from black, hisspanics..all the time..white guys typically go for size 2-6 girls…I am a white chick btw….black guys like ass….as for fat tolerance, i wouldnt know.
Ummmmmm Kiley, about the whole fat (size 20) thing……I’m not sure where your going with that one.
No one, outside of my own family, has ever made bad comments about my size. In fact whenever I brought it up to my normal sized friends they would always say “but you really look good larger, you carry it well.” No strangers have ever treated me like I was invisible or disgusting because of my size. My family members were the only ones to ever make comments. Strangers never seem to react one way or another. I live in North Texas and everyone over 30 seems a bit overweight themselves. No one has ever yelled mean things at me or given me unsolicited advice like I hear with other plus size women. When I visited Paris, France and parts of England I thought maybe I would get some comments. But quite opposite, in Paris I got hit on three times in a day and in England I discovered that their average sizes even in teen cloths actually fit me.
I think back to high school when a teacher asked me in front of the class if i thought i needed a strong chair instead of a desk seat combo… that sucked
Ive been a Fat girl all my adult life. The only people who are rude are the young guys mostly. I get the call Jenny Craig comments. But I also get a lot more positive comments now that I have more confident. I’m 5’5 and weigh 230 lbs. Instead of looking away and avoiding eye contact I look them straight in the eye. I deserve the same respect my skinny friends and won’t accept anything less. I’m tired of feeling like an inferior person because I’m a big girl. I’m at the gym 5 days a week and I watch what i eat. I’ve just hit a plateau. I enjoy the whistles and the comments from people!! And if they don’t like me, too bad!!!
I think that American society is more tolerant towards medium sized people(curvy but not fat or skinny). When I was in high school I was size 10 and felt very comfortable with myself and somewhat attractive. Now as a young adult I have lost a bit of weight due to health reasons and I feel much less confident than before. I am presently a size 3 and I feel this is too skinny for me. I have had a close friend, who knows I am unhappy about my weight loss and health problems, make mocking remarks about my skinny appearance and I have had other people comment about how thin I am in a negative way. I have noticed other women seem more hostile towards me now than when I was a size 10. I have little control over my weight gain right now and I find people’s comments hurtful. I think for some people being skinny can be just as bad as being heavier because both are not as desirable (to the shallow majority of people)as being medium sized. I hate how people make others feel bad about their size, whether large or small, especially when that person has little control over their weight gain or loss.
I guess I’m invisible to most people as well…my body has no curves, I’m just short and squat looking. I’ve never really been into fancy expensive clothes, either, but that would have helped when I was younger. At a social event I’m the last person most people want to meet. Even at a hotel the other day the manager said to my 50 year old friend “hello my beautiful girl”. He didn’t even look at me. It was like I wasn’t even there. No greeting, no smile, just…invisibility! One lady was promoting perfume in a mall…she spoke to my friend and didn’t look at me once thoughout the conversation. I’m like a zombie…alive but dead to people around me.