Teenage Bulimic Asks Us For Help
Here’s the e-mail I got today (bolding mine):
I guess I don’t really know how to start this, other than I just read the blog about the 14 year old with a bad self image, and it gave me the courage to say something too. I’m 16 years old, and I am bulimic. It doesn’t matter how pretty I tell myself I am, how good I am at sports (and I will admit, I am a decent soccer player and runner) I just can’t help it. Being an athlete probably makes it all worse, because I see all those other girls in those freaking tight unitards in track, and I feel so self-concious. It all started halfway through sophmore year, when I gained my “freshmam 15” a little early, and lets just say it wasn’t all muscle. I’ll be the first to say I’m not fat, but I’m not what I used to be, and there’s a definite “comfort pouch” around my midsection. I hate that I hate myself, but I just can’t help but feel so guilty after eating a big meal. And I never feel full anymore. I feel like I’m constantly eating. I hate depriving myself of food, and I don’t have enough will power to ignore the fact that I am hungry, so I eat. Then even if I do eat a lot, I still don’t feel satiated, so I eat more, then I feel so guilty, I run to my bathroom. Then afterwards I hate myself for not having the will to not eat, or to stop. And I want so badly to stop doing it, but the guilt gets the better of me. I guess the point of this email was to just ask for help, because I can’t go to my parents or a teacher. Is there anything I can do to feel fuller or to make the hunger go away? because telling myself I am beautiful just the way I am just won’t work anymore. I feel like if I don’t lose the “pouch” I’ll never be happy. And I mean, I eat really healthy now, and I exercise 6-7 days a week, but it just won’t go away! I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I guess that’s it. Thanks for listening, sorry for the uber long email, and you’re probably thinking right about now, god, why do people always drop their problems on me, but I didn’t know where else to go.
This is beyond my expertise, my friends. She thinks she should “make the hunger go away” so she can lose weight, she feels bad about eating at all, but she’s an athlete and needs sustenance! Obviously, she needs help and resources to change her relationship with food. What are the best resources for young girls with eating disorders?
Since you all helped our 14-year-old so much, and since that inspired this e-mail, I hope you’ll help reach out to this girl, and others like her. She was so brave to write to me; so brave to admit she has a problem and look for help. Let’s help her. Thank you in advance.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Eating Disorders, Health, Kids, Meta
My first concern is that she have a full physical. The comment that she never feels full no matter how much she eats could be symptomatic of an underlying health issue. One thing I can think of off the top of my head is hypothyroidism. When you’re hypothyroid, you don’t produce enough seratonin, which is what helps you feel full when you eat. And, of course, the lack of seratonin causes depression, which could be part of the body image problem, and the reason why she is not losing weight regardless of her exercise and bulimia.
Second thing I advise is that she really does need to talk to her parents. The help she needs is not going to come from a website. She needs to 1) have a full physical, and 2) see a therapist. And she needs to do it now before she moves into even more self-destructive behaviors. Those of you out there with a history of eating disorders know how important it is that she gets help sooner rather than later.
As hard as it is for her to come here for help, I know that it is exponentially harder to ask for help face to face, but that really is what she needs to do.
Doctor. Doctor. DOCTOR. You can’t mess around with stuff like this.
She might be able to speak to a nurse or a doctor. She might feel more comfortable knowing what she says will stay in the room. S/he might also be able to give her a support number to call or tips on how to begin that discussion with a parent.
Asking for help is a huge step. I don’t think there’s a substitute for what a medical professional can tell you in terms of pure information but reaching out like she has will give her limitless support from an emotional standpoint from a variety of people with a variety of experience. Put the two together and she’ll have a great foundation.
Best wishes :)
In my e-mail back to her I also suggested a guidance counselor or her athletic coach.
I’d say shink/school counselor. I wouldn’t advocate talking to one’s parents unless one had a good relationship with them.
And as for never feeling full…being hungry all the time is a trademark of adolescence, seeing as their bodies are, um, growing, and thus require more food than they used to. I freaked out during puberty (both of them) because it felt like I was binging all the time, when in fact my body just needed more to stay healthy.
But yes. Find a counselor or a teacher you trust, and talk to them. Not once, not twice, but for a long time. It’s what I wish I had done.
As for the belly pouch…mine never quite went away even when I was starving to death. It’s just the way my body’s made. I’m not okay with it yet, unfortunately, but someday I will be. Hope this kid will be too.
The NEDA has a hotline, info here:
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=298
that may be able to refer her to a physician, or other professional to help her, if she feels like she absolutely can’t talk to her family or her teachers.
Also… the Freshman 15 refers to COLLEGE, where women gain weight as they grow from girls to adults at 19 or so. It does not apply to 14 year old girls who are still growing. Not helpful feedback, but I’m completely appalled that a high school freshman would be THAT concerned about weight gain.
Eating disorders aren’t about wanting to be beautiful or not feeling beautiful enough. And surprisingly to some, they’re not even really about food or weight at all. They’re psychiatric illnesses that manifest themselves in control or lack of control over food and weight.
So, to the 16-year-old girl, I would say: There isn’t anything to make the hunger go away because I don’t think bulimia is necessarily about physical hunger. It’s about a mental hunger, learned behaviors, and coping mechanisms.
This is not to minimize the physiological factors: If you’re constantly binging and purging, chances are you aren’t getting enough nutrients and your body is certifiably hungry. Also, purging can really play havoc with your electrolyte levels and can alter your brain chemicals. For some bulimics, the mechanisms and chemicals that work to regulate appetite may be out of whack, and can be alleviated with medication.
I have some tips on my blog about how to eat when you are trying to recover from an eating disorder. Some of the tricks I still use whenever I feel like purging are to engage myself in some activity that takes my mind off purging – this is hard, but if you keep at it, it works. I also think of my teeth – years of purging has really damaged them. I’ve had to have a couple of them sanded down due to chipping. Kind of ironic that I care more about my teeth than I do the fact that I could have a heart attack and die, but such it is.
If you don’t think you can confide in your parents, here are a few anonymous numbers you can call”
1-800-273-TALK
Hope Line Network
1-800-969-NMHA (1-800-969-6642)
The National Mental Health Association Information Center will put you in touch with your local Mental Health Association, who will help you find community mental health services and self-help support groups.
Bulimia Hotline
24 hours crisis line
314-588-1683
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) – Referrals to treatment and general information: 847-831-3438
NEDA online treatment referrer
I understand that when you’re sixteen, the world is small. You don’t have access to resources. A lot of parents where I grew up were completely, adamantly opposed to the idea of their child seeking emotional help outside of their family and/or their church. I understand that sometimes when you’re sixteen, trying to take the action that will make things better will only make it worse.
She needs to tell her doctor that she’s been doing this to herself so the doctor can make sure she hasn’t done any permanent damage yet. The doctor should be able to help break it to the parents and help to find a therapist. The doctor should have enough credibility and experience to make that happen in a minimally dramatic way.
She’s also post-pubescent and she needs a little belly fat. I’ve always been thin bordering on skinny. I will never have a flat stomach. My jeans are a size two, but my stomach is far from flat. It hasn’t been flat since I was about twelve. My sister is a a vegan, excersize-junkie, triathlete. She’ll always have her tummy fat too, even when she was in college on a swimming scholarship. We’re shaped like our mother, and she’s always been thin, and her stomach’s always had a nice curve to it. It’s biology. Personally, I think my tummy fat makes me more womanly.
She doesn’t mention how much constitutes are “large meal”. A sixteen year old girl is going to need more food than her ten year old sister or forty year old mother, particularly a sixteen year old athlete. Unless there are other teenagers in the house, an active teenage girl is likely to be the biggest eater in the house.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful, and it’s mostly my under-informed opinion. She has to tell her doctor for health reasons. The doctor should be able to get her help.
As for the actual question, there’s no magic food that will make a person feel full. I’ve always read that you should make sure your meals and snacks contain some fat because fat helps tell your body that you’re full. If her healthy eating doesn’t contain enough fat, that might help with feeling sated.
As a recovering bulimic (binge and purge free for 50 days now), I can definitely say Rachel is right–it’s not about the food. Bulimia and binge eating disorders often serve as a coping mechanism to deal with emotions. The answer is not learning to binge on healthy foods, it’s about learning ways to deal with emotions without using overeating and purging as a coping mechanism. I had the feelings you describe here all my life, and have always had binges. I developed the purging behavior (throwing up) 8 years ago, when I was 25. After trying all kinds different types of therapy and drug combinations to deal with this, the only thing that has worked for me is a type of therapy related to cognitive behavioral therapy. This therapy is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT. It has the highest success rate of any therapy to treat eating disorders.
When I was hungry all the time I could eat until I could barely breathe and it still wasn’t enough. When I started eating more protein and fat it cut my appetite in half and I finally found out what it felt like to eat enough. I had been eating meat only at dinner and relying on the milk in my cereal, the peanut butter on my toast or the velveeta on my macaroni for my protein the rest of the day. I started eating meat or eggs at breakfast instead of cereal and fruit and usually a salad with meat in it or just meat and vegetables for lunch instead of pasta or sandwiches. The hunger might be emotional but it might not, there are also drugs and medical conditions that can cause it. The stupid doctor kept saying to eat less fat but that just made it worse.
Oh, please talk to someone. Does your school have a counselling service? They shouldn’t tell your parents without your consent.
I never talked to anyone about it. I know it is hard. But it’s not shameful, and you will get over it.
Eventually I got over it by myself, but… please don’t depend on that happening. It took years for me, and I would hate you to spend years agonising.
Quite apart from anything else, you will not lose weight by doing this. So it’s easy for it to become a self-perpetuating process.
You will sort this out. But I hope you take action soon, because it is so not worth wasting your teenage years feeling horrible about yourself.
oh man…
here goes…
dear 16-year-old girl,
first off, i know what it’s like being in sports and comparing yourself to all of the other girls. and i also know that a lot of female athletes — particularly runners — talk ALL THE F@#&$%’N TIME about eating and weight. i’m guessing it’s because 1) we’re women and women are supposed to nibble on carrots like bunnies (right?) and 2) running and soccer both require what can seem like tons of food to refuel your body and repair your muscles. those two things do not seem to go well together. add to that the fact that athletes feel like they need to look the part (a.k.a., no body fat), and it’s no wonder why we talk about it so much.
because of that, i would suggest that the first thing you do is try your hardest to ignore comments and conversations about food and weight that go on among your teammates — and definitely ignore their advice, because i can say with pretty near certainty, even without meeting them, that they do not know what they are talking about. high school athletes (again, this is speaking from experience — i’m not slamming you guys) like to talk a big game and get really technical about things because everyone’s trying to act like a pro athlete. so you get people worried about carb-to-protein ratios and shaving off a couple pounds to “improve times,” when none of that stuff really matters as much as people like to believe.
all of this goes the same for online forums. i’m thinking in particular of runner’s world. stay the hell away from that (again, speaking from experience). there’s a ton of horrible training advice floating around on the internet in general from people who portray themselves as experts.
so, who should you talk to? i know you’re going to hate to hear this, but really, talk to your parents. if you don’t have a great relationship with your mom and dad, think of some other adult whom you can tell. one of your coaches, maybe? a teacher? one of the most important things to do if you want to help yourself is to speak to someone about it, because otherwise it’s very easy to continue hurting yourself. i was terrified to tell my parents, but when i finally did, things started to get better. i was scared that my dad would be grossed out, and that my mom would get hysterical and blame herself, but both of them were more supportive and understanding than i could have imagined.
please, please, please, talk to someone. if you don’t, i can practically guarantee that this will continue, because bulimia is such a complicated problem that it’s very hard to figure out how to stop on your own. and i know, you probably hope that you can just deal with it on your own and it will stop, and you’ll go back to your normal life and no one will ever know. that’s what i wanted, too, but that’s not how it works. you must tell someone, because it’s impossible to recover without having support from people who know that you’re struggling.
so, moving on…
as for your “pouch,” that’s actually totally normal. (blahblah, i know, hear me out.) the image of the ideal, beautiful woman, and especially that of the athlete, includes a super flat, toned stomach, but honestly, that’s not generally normal or healthy. very few women have naturally flat abs. it’s rare. a woman’s body has more fat than a man’s does, and that’s simply because our bodies are set up in different ways. you know this obviously : )
you can’t choose how your fat is distributed. it goes where it goes, and for most women, the natural weight for their bodies results in some belly fat. i personally fought hard for a long time to lose my pouch, but after i got my head on straight about things, i realized that losing my pouch meant that my back and shoulders got scarily bony and thin. i wasn’t looking at the whole picture when i was so focused on getting insanely flat abs.
in your e-mail, you said, “I’ll be the first to say I’m not fat, but I’m not what I used to be.” the first thing that popped into my mind when i read this was that what you “used to be” was actually a kid. i’m not insulting you here — it’s just that, technically, what you were “before” was a kid.
most girls go through puberty between the ages of 10 and 15 (give or take). i actually wrote a book dealing with this subject, and if you’ll bare with me, i want to quote you something from one of the sources from my bibliography:
“During the total span of [puberty] … weight increases approximately ten pounds a year…. Girls add inches to their hips as well as their frame. Boys eventually outpace girls in height and muscle. For both genders, gaining weight is normal; failing to is not. In a youth culture where sleek fashion models have starring roles, girls can mistake filling out for becoming the worst thing imaginable: fat.”
(this is from a book called “The Roller-Coaster Years.” and btw, when the authors say “worst thing imaginable,” they’re being sarcastic, FYI.)
the most important thing i want to point out there is this: “failing to is not.” —> a.k.a. NOT gaining the “freshman 15” in high school is seriously abnormal.
“freshman 15” used to be a term that was used to describe freshmen in college who went away to school and started funneling beers and eating crap and not doing their high school sports anymore and gaining weight as a result — it did *not* refer high school freshmen, who are still going through puberty. (as a side note, i also want to mention that studies on the college freshman 15 have showed that it’s actually a huge myth. but people fear it nonetheless.)
anyway (yikes, this is getting long), that quote above pretty much sums up what freaked me out when i was your age. i was no longer as thin as i was when i was younger, and because of everyone around me freaking out about FATFATFAT, i believed falsely that *i* was getting fat, when all i was doing was growing up. i hope i don’t sound like i’m patronizing you, with all this talking about “growing up” (i hate that term, sounds like sesame street), but really, that’s what it is.
something else i wanted to point out to you, as an athlete, is this:
http://kateharding.net/2008/03/21/i-am-not-making-this-up-liposculpting/
also read the article that kate harding links to. so see, you have there people who, like yourself, exercise a lot, eat healthy, and still have fat on their bodies — because fat is normal. but we’re conditioned to think that it’s not, that if you’re an athlete, you should have extremely low body fat. i think athletes have this kind of hang-up the worst in a way, because again, you look at photos of professionals and they seem to have zero fat on their bodies. and it makes you think that in order to look like the athlete you are, you need to look like that. but the reality is, again, it’s normal and healthy to have body fat. (and as i’m sure you know, every single photo (really) in a magazine is touched up at least a little, and usually a lot.)
the last thing i wanted to talk about was the hunger thing. because good god, i have that too, and i always have. when i was a kid, teenager too, i would get wicked embarrassed sleeping over at people’s houses, because in the morning i was always so ravenous and felt like a pig next to my friends nibbling on their two little pancakes. i’ve always had a big appetite, and for a long, long time i tried to deny it, like you’re trying to do. but in the course of my recovery from bulimia, i’ve discovered how totally normal an appetite is. people get hungry — some people more than others, but what you have to realize is that you have a completely unique body, different from anyone, and so you cannot base your decisions on when and what and how much to eat on what someone else is doing. they have a different body, different needs, different metabolism. and for all you know, they might have disordered eating, too, and are trying to limit how much they eat. you need to listen to your own body — *especially* since you’re an athlete. running and soccer both torch a crapload of calories, and refueling is essential, as i’m sure you know deep down. so yeah, it may seem like you’re always hungry, but your body is telling you to go eat for a reason: it needs fuel.
i under-fueled my body for years. i’m a very active person, and i need to eat more than is considered “dainty” and “appropriate” for a woman. i consider myself recovered from bulimia now, and i’ve been eating as much as my body says to — sometimes even more — for a few years now. my weight is pretty stable, and i’m not fat.*
(*note: i’m not saying that being fat is bad, because i definitely feel strongly that it’s not. i’m just bringing this up to point out that eating the amount your body says to eat is not magically going to make you fat.)
hunger is not a thing to be ignored. you and i and everyone else here hear a deafening, screeching symphony of voices telling us we have to control what we eat, do this, do that, and it’s all nonsense. everyone is different, and it’s sometimes nearly impossible to remember that, and to remember that our bodies are perfect as they are, and that the best thing we can do eating-wise is to *stop* trying to control what we eat and just relax. easier said than done, i know, but it’s a highly worthy goal.
so, i’m sorry i’ve been rambling on like this : ) it’s just that bulimia stole years of my life from me, and my life has become so, so, SO much better since i’ve recovered, and if i could do anything to stop other girls and women from experiencing the same thing, i would do it, whatever it was. again, please talk to someone about this. you will not be happier from losing your “pouch,” but you absolutely will if you lose the bulimia.
I feel for her, because I went through something similar when I was sixteen.
The problem for me was that I was still growing–within the school year I went from 5’8″ to 5’10”, which was horrible because it threw everything off, stride length, reach, appetite, everything, and I felt like a miserable failure all the time.
There’s a tremendous amount of pressure to look like this ideal athlete, to be completely pared down, whittled down, to have the least possible amount of body fat. I took up stair running with a vengeance, which technically worked, but I’ve discovered that amenorrhea is kinda common among female athletes.
It’s the female athlete triad–eating disorders, amenorrhea, and osteoporosis. It’s so insidious–if you’re perfectly thin and lean, then your performance will be perfect, too. Eating disorders become so hard to resist; it feels necessary, that the way to succeed is through strictly controlling everything you eat, that food is only acceptable as fuel for your sport.
I remember watching Center Stage and thinking, well, *of course* the one who dropped out failed at even managing her eating, she just didn’t want it enough, so she didn’t have what it took.
What I’m saying is, it’s risky to go this alone. It’s such a difficult balance; it’s so hard to be objective about your body when you have an eating disorder. It can seem absolutely impossible to even think of bringing this up with your parents, or your coach, but that really is the best advice I think I could give. A doctor, the school nurse. Try to trust someone; these are the people who are there to help you. It took me years to start the conversation, and even then I couched it in terms of athletic goals, only gradually working my way to talking about more fraught subjects. I hope you can find someone you trust enough to start that conversation.
Hi–You could be me at 16, except that I’m lousy at soccer but was a competitive swimmer. And it has taken me over 15 years and I’m still struggling with disordered eating. The behaviors can take a really serious toll on your mental and physical help and I hope that there is a medical professional you can talk to about some of these issues–to see what has happened already and to help you come up with a plan for dealing with it in the future. I know that ravenously hungry feeling which for me was about a feeling of release–the decision to binge was like a wave of relief. And then the rest was all guilt. It is not a healthy pattern to be in and it won’t go away on its own. For me it meant declining performance and, eventually, dropping out of sports and not being able to do the physical activities I loved. In other words, check out some of the resources suggested by Rachel and others (NOT diet plans) and try to find someone you can talk to in your real life as well.
And my decades of disordered eating has caused some permanent physical issues–I found after I developed bulimia I developed a stomach pooch that I had not had before. For whatever reason when I am in a binge/purge cycle my stomach bloats. I know that right now having the body you want is the most important thing in the world but you really should switch your focus to doing the most with the body you have–not doing so can have serious long term consequences.
In addition to all the great advice above—do ALL of it, especially working with a professional—eating healthy foods can help you know you are providing your body with necessary sustenance, things to help you grow that you *need*, that you would be wasting by purging–things like spinach, cashews, cherries–a variety (some fatty, some not, some high in sugars, some not) that you NEED to stay healthy. http://www.whfoods.com/foodstoc.php has some ideas.
Don’t forget that hunger is an important signal from our body, one that should not be ignored. And thank you so much for writing in.
Hi- I am a fourteen year old recovered anorexic. I was bulimic too- but very briefly(I’m no masochist and throwing up hurts like hell). Anyway- the real turning point for me was talking to my mother. We’re not BFFs or anything but any good mother is there for their child when they need it. I never told my mother I was anorexic or bulemic (she probably would have sent me to a convent). I just told her about my problems with my weight. Like you, I am definetly not fat but I do have a certain patch of stomach that annoys me to no end. I am a major 4-sport varsity athlete and I have stick thin friends.
I have been where you have been and I completely understand- but I have to tell you life is so much better now, recovered.
Very good advice above, and I agree about going to the doctor and making sure the hunger isn’t an underlying issue.
I’d also advise sating the hunger, if it turns out to be nothing, with food that is healthy and not fattening, like fruit and vegetables. Smoothies are good too! So are healthy nuts like almonds. There are ways to fill up without eating crap, as I’m sure she knows. Someone as physically active as she is will need the fuel.
That said… any kind of eating disorder will require mental change. Perhaps she can try browsing her local library for resources on eating disorders or maybe, maybe work up the nerve to talk to a parent about seeing a counselor! It’s no big deal to see someone! I know these things are embarrassing when you’re a teenager, but your parents really do want to help (Well, most people’s parents..)
p.s. Even when I was emaciated I had a belly paunch (believe me, it happens). You can only change your body so much.
Dear 16-Year-Old-Girl,
As a recovering bulimic/cutter, I know a little of how hard this is to deal with alone. I know that you feel that you can’t talk to your parents or teachers about this and I’ll trust you on that score, but you really do need to tell your Doctor about this and I will join with the others who have already spoken and say that you should contact the help-lines available for people who are struggling with an eating disorder.
Good for you for realizing that you need help…that is the first and most important step to feel better about yourself and start caring for yourself instead of abusing your body (and that is exactly what bulima is…an abuse just like cutting…and it is deeper than just wanting to be thin or feeling good about how you look). I know how it is to always see that little “comfort pouch” (I love that term by the way) as much bigger than it actually is…One thing to work on is…when you see yourself in the mirror, force yourself away from concentrating on that “comfort pouch” and concentrate on other traits that you do like.
Call your doctor…get in touch with the help-lines…and good luck.
Rei
Tons of responses already but I just have to tell you to stop thinking about will. Eating disorders have nothing to do with will, you are not weak, if you really think about it, you are in “control”, very badly and hurting yourself, but in control. To get out you need help, hard but true. So stop beating yourself up about will.
I wanted to add that NYC has The Door which offers free or low cost confidential medical and mental health services to teens. Other cities have similar resources and this is a way to get help without involving your parents before you are ready.
Coming back, I want to say, I hope I didn’t come across as hopelessly grim in my last comment, all gloom-doom-amenorrhea-and-stress-fractures.
What I wanted to say, before I distracted myself, was that I think it’s pretty awesome that you reached out and wrote your email. That is such a hard step to take. I wonder if you could go the route suggested by advice columnists sometimes (I know, I know) and show what you wrote, or part of it, to someone like a doctor or nurse or coach.
When I first started talking to someone, they gave me a book–The Inner Game of Tennis–which starts out something like, the opponent inside your own head is more formidable than the one across the net. It stuck with me, because it rang so true for me, and made me realize that if I’m not okay with myself, then there will always be something I hate, no matter how hard I train or how I eat.
The same person who gave me that book said that I should try to think of it like this–I underpronate. It’s just a fact. I can’t force my foot to change, but I can find shoes that work for me. I might really desperately want this other pair of shoes, but if they don’t work with my feet, then they’re doing me more harm than good.
And my boyfriend says it’s like Batman–dude is cool, but only in comics. In real life he’d be terrifying. And I can’t do what he does. Kids might try to surf on subway cars, but even the best of them probably wouldn’t try to stand on one leg blindfolded on top of a train car to work on their balance. Me, it’s enough of a challenge just keeping my balance inside the car.
So that’s mostly how I talk to myself, when I get so caught up in my own obsession with counting every. single. nutrient, or pushing myself until I drop. There was an awesome post somewhere recently that linked to a series of black and white photos of female athletes of every size and shape–I wish I could find it again to share with you because thinking about those charts helps me a lot when I start nitpicking at my own body. I have to come to terms with who I am: I’m a boyishly shaped slightly taller than average girl with mild scoliosis, imperfect feet, and a habit of slouching all the time because the opinion of some jerk here and there sticks more than my boyfriend’s, who tells me that when somebody calls me an Amazon woman for being taller than them, I should take it as a compliment–stand tall with Wonder Woman, and kick some serious ass.
I don’t know that this is anymore helpful than my first comment, but I still really hope that you can find someone to talk to because this is such a hard thing to fight on your own. I hope you can try to trust someone close to you to help you.
If you really feel that talking to your parents is out of the question, then definitely seek out a doctor or therapist. Many states have laws that allow minors to seek medical services and counseling without the permission of their parents.
I just wanted to add that I’ll take your word for it that you can’t talk to your parents, and everyone else has already given good options for other people you could consider. But, think about whether talking to your parents is really impossible. I have a daughter, and I hope so much that if she has this kind of issue later in life (she’s just a toddler now) she will come to her moms. We, more than anybody else in the world, are on her side and rooting for her and concerned about her and want her to be healthy and happy and would do anything to help and support her. I know how hard it is to think about your parents as being on your side when you are a teenager, but if there is any chance of talking to them, you might give them a chance.
This is coming from a bulimic. I just turned 18, I’ve been under control for a few months now. Ever since I was 12 I’ve struggled with eating disorders. Here’s what I can tell you:
See a therapist first. I looove my therapist and I didn’t want to go at first but find one you can really trust, especially if you can’t trust your parents. Ask a teacher for some help finding one.
Here’s what I know about throwing up: you will either get to a) the point where you cannot physically take it anymore or b) you have a heart attack from vomiting too much. Maybe you aren’t there yet, it took me a while.
There is real help, it is a real problem, and it’s not your fault.
A doctor is best because there are real risks that, even if you don’t care now, you will later on. I promise you that.
Love; xoxo.
As many people have already mentioned, you’re sixteen. Take a step back and think about what that means. You feel like you’re becoming an adult and like you want to be in control of things; you remember how you looked and felt years ago; and you probably think that older people constantly fail to understand how you feel, or that they don’t listen.
And as much as you don’t want to hear this, it’s true – nearly every teenager I have known thinks this way. I thought this way. My friends thought this way. That is what it’s like to be sixteen; especially when you near the end of high school, it seems like you have finally reached the end of childhood, and you want to be taken seriously as you feel.
But in all honesty, you’re not an adult yet. I’m 24, and I don’t know if I’m an adult yet. But I can honestly say that I’m a good bit more adult than I was at 16. I can remember being so very sure about some things – sure that I was going to marry my boyfriend because we were soulmates, sure that I understood how the world worked, sure that I was smart enough and adult enough to make my own choices. Sure that I was grossly fat and very unattractive.
Another thing that I have noticed in teenagers I have known since then is that they universally recoil from the above statement. It’s insulting. It makes me sound like your Mom. It makes me sound like an idiot, because I obviously don’t remember what it was like. But that is another insult – I’m 24. I don’t remember anything about what I was like 8 years ago?
You want help. You wrote here for advice. Even if you think it sounds stupid, this is the best I can give. Try your very hardest to step outside yourself and look at yourself objectively, if only for a little while. You’re not ugly, and you’re not fat – there are parts of you that you do not like, but they do not make you ugly. Neither do they make you a bad athlete – you yourself said that you are a great soccer player. Remember too that you are only sixteen – it feels like a lot from your point of view, but there’s a lot more left to go. You’re not actually completely done with puberty, for one thing; one of the earlier comments made a very real point that some of the weight you have gained and the changes you have undergone are part of becoming a woman. Almost nobody has the body at 18 that they had at 14 or 15.
Especially as you get older (and I mean 30, 40, and onward, not trying to scare you too badly here) there will be more and more things about your body that are not society’s ideal of beauty, and that is part of being human. The longer you focus on parts that bother you, the longer you hate yourself for having them, the longer you will spend not appreciating the things about you that really matter, and the longer you will be unhappy. And the older you get with this same mindset, you will become increasingly miserable.
Right now you feel unhappy, you wouldn’t have written if you did not – and it’s NOT because of your stomach. It is because you have told yourself that your stomach is not good enough. Instead of hating it, embrace your body. You are almost finished becoming a woman – there are more changes ahead, until 18-20 – and this is part of that change. And if you can’t embrace it, if that’s too hard, then just learn to deal with it. That is one of the hugest things I ever did for myself; instead of hating things about my body and my personality, I decided that I would make peace with them. I do what I can to change the ones I don’t like, but there are some things I can and some things I can’t change. Part of this balance is not hating myself because parts of me are immutable.
Your stomach may not be something that you absolutely can’t change – and then again, it may be. You cannot know right now, not while your body is still working itself into that of an adult. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be dissatisfied with parts of your body – it’s almost impossible to not be – and it’s not wrong to try and change things about yourself that you don’t like. But you have to learn when to stop obsessing, and you can’t do destructive things to yourself in an attempt to fix one problem. Bulimia may be able to get rid of your stomach, if you lose enough weight – and maybe it can’t. But it will destroy your heart, ruin your teeth – weaken your muscles and make you a worse athlete – it can even have mental effects like seizures and further depression.
I don’t know you well enough to say this for sure, but what I do know about bulimia is that it’s about control and guilt and shame. You might feel like purging is the only way you can control yourself, like you have to do something to make up for the guilt of overeating. But in reality, your obsession is controlling you – it is making you destroy your body in pursuit of something that is ultimately much less important than things like your sports, your friends, college someday – your life.
I know that what I recommend is really, really hard. The first thing you need to do is to make yourself stop purging, and if you can’t do that, then you need to ask for help – the way you look is not worth dying for. Besides that, you need to try your hardest not to obsess on your body. It will take time and effort to turn your thoughts around, but it will do more for you than any amount of dieting and exercise ever could – it will make you happy.
I agree with other commentors that you should find someone to talk to. A doctor would be a good start, just to make sure that you don’t need any medical care, just make sure that the visit will be confidential – you can call and ask before you make an appointment. Many cities have free clinics that you can visit, check your phone book. While you are there, you can ask the doctor about free, confidential, counseling. Or, if you want, you can talk to me – shishkani at gmail.com. I’m not a counselor, but I have been through a lot of things myself, including weight issues – and I truly am okay with myself now. And I desperately want you to be okay with yourself.
I’m a former teenage athlete and *takes deep breath* recovered anorexic.
http://everywomanhasaneatingdisorder.blogspot.com/
Dr. Stacey, the doctor whose blog this is, is a clinical psychologist with an NYC practice. She has her contact email in her “About Me” section of the blog and this past year was the team psychologist for the lady New York City Marathoners.
I’m not sure where this young lady is but if she’s not in our tri-state area, I’m sure Dr. S. could refer her to one of her trusted colleagues. She could also make the suggestion as to how to discuss counseling with parents and coaches, if they’re likely to react the way mine did. (Adults do NOT have perfect judgment; I don’t care what positions of authority we’re in.)
Dear 16 Year Old Girl-
That ‘pouch’? You have it because you’re a woman- that’s actually the curve that woman have because you have a uterus. It’s more evident on some women than others.
You are hungry because your body is telling you that it wants something. You need to give it the fuel that it needs to keep you going through all your activities.
Do you feel like things are beyond your control? I know a lot of us have. There were an awful lot of things that were out of my hands for years. Until one day I realised that I wasn’t giving myself the fuel I needed to run properly in an emotional and intellectual sense.
Don’t deprive yourself in any sense of the word, please.
I know it’s scary going outside for help. But it’s scarier to stay inside.
I just want to add to what everyone has been saying. When you are stressed out and feel alone it can be very, very difficult to figure out who you can trust. I agree that you should find a professional to talk with, but at 16 this might be more difficult than it should be. Hopefully, you will find great supportive people at your school or through other trusted adults. Often though, it might be difficult for adults close to you to accept that you need help because they might feel that because you are having a problem it’s their fault. Or facing your problem might force them to look at their own lives in a way they don’t want to. If family members or friends don’t want to help or listen to you, just trust your intuition. You know that you don’t like feeling like this and you want to change. Just keep searching for the help you need. If you have a feeling about what adult might be able to help you, go with it. Maybe there is someone (a teacher or a friend’s parent) who isn’t obvious, but you just like them, they seem like they might be more open to listening to you. Go with that feeling. If they respond, great. If they shut you down, get your courage up, and try talking to someone else. I struggled with depression and anxiety for more than 10 years before I managed to find the right combination of good health insurance and supportive counselors. Hopefully finding help won’t take that long for you, but just don’t get discouraged if the first person you talk to isn’t that much help.
To the 16-year-old: my sister’s your age, and she’s an athlete too – Ultimate frisbee, cross-country, basketball, softball, you name it. And she’s got hips and a butt and a belly, because that’s how our family’s genes work. She looks a lot like I did when I was younger, and we both look like the women on my dad’s side, who are all built to be strong and sturdy and on the fleshy side. So it’s definitely not weird to be an athlete and to have some fat covering that.
A lot of people have given really good advice, and I hope some of it reaches you and allows you to find the help you need. All I can say is: don’t feel guilty about eating. Your body needs food to work, to run and kick and dodge and score. We haven’t perfected that brain-in-a-jar technology yet. ;)
oh, darling, I was you just a few years ago. First, you’re not alone. Second, the more you starve your body, the harder it is for your body to perform. The “willpower” your talking about, or perceived lack of it, is not that at all- eating is a physical response to your body demanding the food it needs to run, the more you restrict the more your body needs food! The feeling of hunger is a gift that your body gives you, telling you that it needs energy to run, or it will start breaking itself down!
This might sound crazy, because you have “a belly” or other part of your body that you deem fat, or excessive, but its not actually any of those things. We’re taught that those parts are the result of eating too much. That isn’t the case at all, those parts are the things that genetics have given us, the way that our body wants to be. The messages about how your body should look are deeply internalized, its not your fault that you perceive your body in a way that instructs you to deem it bad, or want to fix it. The major thing here is that the message is WRONG. There is nothing wrong with your body.
If the only way to get rid of the pouch is to starve yourself, try to ignore your body’s wisdom, it won’t make you happy babe. As someone who did that very thing to her body, being starving and in the body you thought you wanted, not a happy place.
Talk to someone! Think about the things that you really think will make you happy. Is changing your body really what you want? Or is it the stuff you think that will bring into your life? I wish I could go back in time and take back all the time I spent thinking that my body was a problem. It wasn’t :) and neither is anyone else’s EVER.