Our 14-Year-Old Responds
We posted her question and answered it right here, and Shapely Prose got into the act right here. The original e-mailer has written back, and I’ll let her speak for herself.
Wow. I don’t know what to say. Usually when I reach out for help I don’t get a response. But then I went to the bfd blog and Shapely Prose and it was like “HOLY SH*T!!!” basically. I read through them and after a while I started crying (boo! I’m such a crybaby…) I mean…never before have I felt like someone UNDERSTOOD. I could FEEL the connection between myself and those who replied. It was overwhelming.I felt so happy.And I feel so hopeful. I think I’m going to reread some of those posts everyday.
After all that reading and thinking and FEELING…I looked in the mirror. There she was pimply face, uneven skin-toned, muffin topped me. I grabbed my belly and gave it a squeeze. It was very soft and warm and for some reason that made me smile XD. I poked at all the flaws on my face a body and frowned at my oily skin and picked at my dark spots. I still don’t like those parts. BUT I have a GREAT ass, and soft hands and skin and beautiful hair. I have gorgeous brown eyes and pretty pink lips. I realised that all of my flaws were being MAGNIFIED by my perception on beauty through the industries eyes.
Now when I look in the mirror I think, “Hey, You’re actually kinda hot!”
So what if I’ve got a tummy pooch! So what if my nose is a little too big. So what if my legs jiggle when I walk, and my thighs rub together whenever I move. I’m 14! I’m young! What am I doing thinking so negatively!
Now…I know this little high of mine won’t last for long…Sooner or later I’m gonna look in the mirror and think I look like I’m 8 months pregnant. But…then I’ll read the bfd blog replies again and remember how beautifully DIFFERENT I am.
Miss mo, I think I’m on the way to loving the girl in the mirror. I think I’m ready to make her my new best friend. I’m ready to accept myself. I’m ready to OWN myself.
I think I’m ready to be happy!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you soooooo much! I think you posting my email on your blog has made a major impact on my life. Actually…I think you posting my email has STARTED my life! (Hehe! I feel so happy!!)
The industry doesn’t own me anymore! I’m free! All those girls in my class who gossip about me can shove it! They’re no better (or worse) than I am. I don’t think I’ll ever look at them as the “popular” ones or the “beautiful” ones anymore. Cause their views of themselves are just as f*cked up as my view of myself.
I can’t wait to go to school tomorrow! ‘Cause tomorrow I’m not gonna think “People think I’m ugly therefore I’m ugly” tomorrow I’m gonna walk in that school and think “Hey, I think altogether I look pretty good , so those kids can either accept it or kiss my (fine!) ass.”
Thank you Miss Mo Pie and the BFD blog. I think I’m starting to “like” myself
:)
Now when anyone asks “why did you start your blog?” I can just point them to this entry. Thank you to all you wonderful people for commenting here (and a certain BFDiva who shall remain nameless, who has purchased a gift subscription for our 14-year-old to Bitch magazine).
We made a difference.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Feel Good Friday, Kids, Meta, Personal
I never once had a day like that when I was 14. You’ve just done at 14 what it took me until 34 to accomplish. You totally rock.
Annie, I find skincare stuff with a bit of natural oils like avocado, jojoba or rosehip are fucking great on my own oily skin – it keeps it soft and from getting too oily, and for some reason my breakouts are quicker and less obvious.
Hon, you’re awesome for being so astute and insightful at fourteen. I’m twenty-three and nowhere near close to being that smart. And you know what? I inherited my mum’s skin, and I hated it when I was a teen, but my mum passes for someone ten years younger, despite spending so much time out in the sun unprotected. I keep up the sunscreen and just being dang gentle to my skin, and I’m finding that it looks fantastic now.
Oh my god, that girl is so awesome.
Oh. Wow.
Dear 14-year-old:
You said, “I think you posting my email has STARTED my life!”
But YOU were the one who SENT the original email; so YOU started your life! That was an act of honest courage, to reach out like that to someone you didn’t know and ask for help.
I am 55 and I wish I had been as brave when I was a teenager. What hope you have revived here! Thank you so much for writing!
((hugs))
You know, 14 yo girl, when I was your age I always thought I was too fat, too ugly, that no one would ever like me and I fairly hated myself. Now when I look at photos of myself then I think to myself “Wow, I was a pretty girl then. Why didn’t I ever appreciate it? Why wasn’t I more confident?” There will come a time when you’re not so cute and young anymore, so don’t squander it!! Embrace your adorableness.
And I just wanted to add in that it’s really true that life doesn’t end with high school. There’s a lot of living after you graduate and the things (and people) that agonize you now really won’t amount to anything once you’re out those doors for good. You won’t ever have to think about those snotty kids again if you don’t want to, and they really truly don’t matter. I promise. :)
Ms Mo Pie. You changed A life. and i am sure that bright girl is going to change many others with her attitude.
and you made everyone re visit their teenage in an empowered way so thanking you and sending you the bestest vibes in the world.
bec, I totally hear you, but acne isn’t caused by oily skin, it’s caused by bacteria. (Oily skin is easily treated with regular products.) The great thing about it is that acne bacteria does NOT become resistant to benzoyl peroxide – only problem is it’s marketed at the strongest legal strengths (such as stridex, etc.) which make the problem WORSE, and people don’t understand they also need to cleanse properly and to avoid undue stress on the skin, and to *moisturize* properly after using the antibacterial. The clear skin regimen is a FULL skin regimen that was developed by a severely affected acne sufferer – I discovered it long before he had his own products. He developed them only after BEGGING skin care companies to market their products in more affordable and effective means; and you can still certainly buy similarly effective skin care methods in the regular stores. Like I say he only developed his own out of necessity and incessant begging by people who found that it did indeed work without fail. His products are simply cheaper and come in greater quantities, because the commercial companies refused to provide them as such. I’m a born skeptic, and don’t recommend things lightly lol. It’s just that if the kid has pimply skin, she actually CAN do something about that with no risk, and at little cost. I find that being fat is of very little concern if you have glowing skin – and she truly CAN have that! To put it crudely, F*** pimples lol.
Thank you to everyone. Thank you to the folks who commented, to Mo for putting this up, and most especially to the girl who sent this in. I’m really glad that you feel helped by this, and please, please know that you’ve helped so many of us who read it – you’ve changed hundreds of lives at least (remember to count those of us who were too slow to respond to your original question!) You are powerful, and beautiful, and strong. Thank you for inspiring us with all of that.
This. Is. Good. Many, many more things can, will, and need to be said about what this thread represents but at the very heart? Good.
14 Year Old; You’ve taken a MEGA-HUGE step. One of many more too come but no Great Journey can begin without that first big step. Keep reading here and linking to other great blogs in the ‘Sphere to keep your head up on the days that are down. Learn, and keep any eye out for others who might need too. Think about how good you felt when you wrote that last E-mail. The only thing that feels BETTER is giving someone who’s stuck where you where that chance to feel like you do now. Stay happy with You and Pay It Forward.
Wow–to the 14-year-old who wrote in–you are clearly one kick-ass young woman. I hope you do continue to draw strength from these responses and remember just how awesome and beautiful you are.
Those of you who responded wrote some lovely, profound, true things and it makes me so happy that all of you took the time to provide such thoughtful responses. You all rule!
This made me cry but in a totally good happy way!
WIN.
Awesome. Just awesome. Just read all of this back to back and can’t stop grinning! This young woman is fantastic: smart, insightful, motivated, and willing to take control and work towards her own happiness in a way that some of us couldn’t do until we were twice her age or more, and some might never be! She has so many wonderful things ahead of her, I can’t help but be a little jealous!
And this blog and commenters, along with Kate Harding’s, are like the wonderfully smart and supportive friend or sister that we all wish we had!
This is why I’m so zelous about advocating Fat Acceptance. My mom gets rather annoyed, or thinks I’m getting myself too upset about the issues involved with this.
However, that this girl realized she doesn’t need to hate herself to be beautiful, that’s what this is all about.
One less girl who’s going to have Anorexia or Bulemia. One less girl who’s going to commit suicide because she feels nobody will love her unless she’s thin. One less girl who will not damage herself with diet drugs or WLS.
It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. That there is hope, that we can fight this discrimination.
As a seventeen-year-old who’s been lurking around the fatosphere since I read about it on the NY Times website, there’s a lot I’d like to say that I cannot put into words at the moment, but for now: tonight after reading this girl’s story and all the incredible comments surrounding it, I realized how much I like my feet, so I painted my toenails and am currently feeling gorgeous. It’s a start!
That’s not just a start, SLR, it’s a GREAT start. Welcome!
Let me echo others – MoPie? This is what these blogs exist for. To counteract the negative messages that are thrown at us ceaselessly and teach insecure people that they. are. fine. Sure, at 14 your moods go up and down like fireworks at a fairground, and of course she’ll have her down days too – but now she knows where to go to get lifted right back up! God bless her. And you.
SLR – welcome to FA!!! Unfortunately for me, I have big ol’ Fred Flintstone feet and cankles. But you know, I have people who love me, a husband who lusts after me, and when I bother with it, pretty hair (hair which used to be my bane because it’s inordinately CURLY and used to grow straight out from my head in an afro lol.) But I have soft skin, my husband loves to curl up into my very warm fat body at night, I have an intelligent brain, I have marketable and useful work skills, a good work ethic, a kind and generous heart, hella good knitting skills – hell, there’s a lot there to be happy about. On the health side, I’m not dying anymore (I was real sick for a long time), I have perfect BP, perfect blood sugar, and I’m alive. There’s too much to be happy about to waste time thinking about some ridiculous arbitrary beauty standard. You enjoy and pamper your feet, and start thinking about all the other things you have going for you – hell, you’re 17 and have a whole long and profitable life stretching before you! Treasure it, and don’t waste time on negativity, girl. You go!
yey ! -that’s wonderful – and everything is about making a difference right =)…
rock on
Way to go, 14-year-old! I can’t tell you how happy I am to read your words. You are seriously inspiring to me. With your self-acceptance, you will RADIATE beauty- and that’s not something that any amount of dieting, makeup or surgery can give you. I wish you every happiness.
That is the most amazing thing I think I’ve read in a loong, long time. You know what? Thank YOU, Ms. Anonymous 14 year old, for that amazing letter. Because that’s something I can look back and read when I’m feeling awful about myself (like today, when my skin is falling apart with zittiness and my stomach is pooching out madly). Your beautiful letter made my day, and made me feel so much better about myself. Thank you.
“The industry doesn’t own me anymore! I’m free!”
Oh man, I totally lost it when I got to this spot in this young woman’s response. I’m still wiping away tears and thinking to myself, “My God, maybe we really will see a day when all 14 year old girls can feel this good.”
To The Young and Beautiful 14 Year Old Girl,
You are one of the many who are (thankfully) realizing that you are so much more than just your body.
The fact that you took the initiative to write that e-mail meant quite a bit.
I wish I had to more to say, but I’ve been left speechless, and in a good way.
Just remember that you are BEAUTIFUL, and remember that you are WORTHY, and that you are LOVED, and will always BE LOVED.
Sincerely,
Jen
I don’t think we are doing the fat girl a favor by deluding her into a false sense of security. Like it or not, the world does not take kindly to confident fatties – they’re fine with sad fatties they can look down upon, but not fatties who think they’re just as good – and when the fat girl comes up against this, it will destroy her delusion, and send her even deeper into self-hatred and shame at her former delusions.
That’s rubbish, Ja rule. If you live in a world where all you see, and value, are `thin people’ , and everyone else is invisible to you, then what you say may hold true. In the real world, people judge one another on their actions, on their character, and how they make them feel about themselves.