"The Beautiful People Are The Skinny People"
I got this e-mail a couple of days ago, and have been thinking all weekend about possible answers. This is the heart of why I write this blog: to help girls just like this 14-year-old to stop hating themselves. But how? After agonizing about how to answer this, I thought maybe I’d just post the question, and we can all try to come up with some answers in the comments.
Ms. mo pie,
I know you’re not an advice columnist (or maybe you are?)
But you just seem so confident with your body!
It’s really hard not to judge yourself when the image of beauty is a size 0.
Every where I look the beautiful people are the skinny people! Everyone just..accepts them!
I know I’m talented…but that doesn’t make the girl in the mirror look any better
and everytime my mom tells me I look pretty…I just can’t believe her!
Is this just a “fourteen year old phase”?
What’ll it take for me to love my reflection?
‘Cause everytime I say to myself “You’re beautiful” it feels like a lie…How do you do it? How can you just totally accept yourself exactly the way you are! What your secret? Will you share it with me?
Thank you.
This could be your niece, your daughter, your teenage self. So how do you answer this question? How do you make “you’re beautiful” feel like the truth?
[ETA: The follow-up.]
Posted by mo pie
Email us
Wow, that sounded just like me when I was 14! Except size 0 wasn’t really a concept yet.
And such a hard question to answer because it’s hard to see that there is a bigger world, a bigger life out there beyond your immediate surroundings, especially in highschool.
If someone told me I was beautiful at 14, I would have referred to some supermodel and said they were just saying that to be nice.
If my cousin, who gets tormented about her weight at school, came up to me and said this very thing, first of all I think I would tell her that I loved her.
Then I might ask her to close her eyes and imagine what it would be like if the world she lived in consisted of everyone who was overweight. What would be different? Who would she be? Would she not be shy and be more outspoken? Would she love herself more? Would she feel more accepted by others? How would things change for her?
How would things change for us if this was the case?
So then list how you would be different, then have that list ready everyday and realize that although everyone in this world is not overweight or the same, that you are no less and you can achieve the very same things that you imagine in a world where the terms are all even.
It might be harder on a daily basis, but when it is close your eyes and imagine again.
It isn’t a fair world and sometimes it’s very superficial that people get judges on opinions. But your mind can clear the board and denounce that we are all on the playing field.
You deserve every bit of respect and love as anyone else.
I have to get going my son is having a fit before bedtime lol
But I hope everyone finds inner peace!
take care
Lis
Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve quite gotten past this “phase” completely.
Here are the things that help:
1) remembering that things wouldn’t really be easier if I were quote beautiful unquote
2) remembering that what I see as beautiful is quite different from the mainstream
3) remembering that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and that I am a beholder just as much as anyone else
4) There’s nothing wrong with me — I’m a normally confused, insecure human being
5) There isn’t anyone in the world who looks exactly like me and that’s cool
6) Physical beauty is just one aspect of beauty. While it’s nice, it’s far from the most important thing about me or anyone else.
7) You will be loved (and already are) just the way you are. Looking different wouldn’t change this.
8) Your mom is telling the truth
Hi Dear 14 year old,
May I also please recommend “The Good Body” by Eve Ansler and ” Inner Revolution” by Gloria Steienem.
They both HELPED me a lot.
:)
Consider this a “pingback,” as there are a lot of fabulous comments over at Shapely Prose also on this topic. (Someone said we were being less practical over here and more practical over there. Interesting observation, I think.)
Seriously, thank you all. It’s been so wonderful to sit back and listen to everything you have to say. My e-mailer and my inner 14-year-old are both very grateful.
Don’t believe everything you feel, lovey: your brain and body chemistry will automatically change your feelings and your focus every 20 minutes or so, anyway. If you keep a thinking diary for even one day, keeping an eye on your watch, you’ll see that this is so; there is a natural (but resistable) span-of-focus or attention-span of about 20 minutes. The art of concentration lies in overcoming that 20-minute barrier which your body and brain chemistry tends to create. Which is why you shouldn’t believe everything you feel.
Sometimes you’ll feel beautiful no matter what you look like, sometimes you will look fabulous but you won’t feel that way.
You *are* changing, sometimes measurably every day, so surf those waves; fight them, and you’ll drown for sure.
Don’t be at the uncontrolled mercy of your feelings. Get your parents to help you schedule deliberate, chosen, changes-of-appearance so you don’t waste shedloads of money; and work your head off at school and in one voluntary job so you’ll have intellectual and emotional capital in the bank when you finally reach some form of dry land.
Some thoughts to add, as someone who is 14 + 30:
1) when I was in high school, I thought I was fat. When I looked at photos of myself in high school years later, I couldn’t believe that I had thought that. High school is a crazy time with, in my view, very skewed priorities and values. Keep with your friends – you’ll probably still be friends with them 30 years from now. That is a treasure beyond price.
2) I think that everyone feels this way in some respect. Listen to the song ‘Ugly’ by the British group the Sugababes. It’s not specifically about being fat, but about feeling different and therefore ugly – and kids around you telling you that you’re ugly. It’s a great song about defying that. The video is great too – it has the Sugababes auditioning people for a talent show. The auditionees are all ages and sizes, and do all kinds of things. It really emphasises the song’s message of the beauty of difference. The song also almost always makes me cry.
3) I teach in university. I see loads of 18 year old girls fresh out of high school, mostly still unsure of themselves. I think they are all beautiful. I think there is a beauty just in youth – a freshness, a rawness that is just so compelling and attractive. I wish I had appreciated it more when I was younger. And, by the way, I’m pretty comfortable with being the age I am now – each age has its own pains and pleasures, its own beauty. Try to appreciate the beauty of being young.
4) I wish that there was a greater emphasis on role models who weren’t successful exclusively or primarily because of their attractiveness. Read the newspapers and the stories (fewer than there should be) about women who are successful in business, politics, sports, arts other than TV and cinema (particularly writing). See their versions of beauty which are different from the cookie-cutter world of fashion and media.
Read and save all the comments above – there is a lot of wisdom there. Keep them somewhere safe so that you can consult them at moments of crisis. Remember that perfect strangers care enough about you and your situation to write advice, even, in my case, from thousands of miles away.
PS: Your mum is right. Mums usually are.
Everyone already said lots of wonderful, helpful, beautiful things, so I’ll just add this (which some people have mentioned already): clothes. Get some clothes you absolutely love. Get clothes that fit right and feel good. Get a pair of jeans that makes your butt look great and falls just where you want over your shoes. And while you’re at it, get some shoes – fun, cute, sexy, whatever you like.
I’m totally serious. When I’m down about my body, sometimes I just need to put on something I feel fabulous in – something I can’t help but think as I walk down the street, “I look GOOD.”
All of the other stuff is great too – but when all else fails (or even when it doesn’t), dress yourself in a way that makes you look good, and I think feeling good can’t help but follow.
Fake it till you make it works. A recent study found that one person repeating an opinion will make you believe that it is the majority opinion the same as if a number of people had expressed an opinion. Keep telling yourself you are beautiful, evventually you will know that its true.
I have nothing to add that hasn’t been said more eloquently above, but I would like to note that I wish that the junior-high-school me had known even a fraction of the smart, confident, and, yes, beautiful people who have commented on this post. I could have used a body-acceptance mentor back then. Heck, that’s why I’m here *now*.
So thank you, mo, ‘Bix, anonymous 14-year-old reader, and everyone else. I’ll be bookmarking this entry.
I don’t. :-( I really feel like this whole “You are beautiful, love yourself” thing is for people who aren’t as fat as me, who aren’t so fat that they don’t look like people anymore..
Logically I know that’s messed up, but I’m kind of at a loss on how to really believe it. So even though I’m 23 I completely understand what that girl is thinking.
To “Fat Girl” —
Just because you are older than the 14 year old doesn’t mean you have to have everything figured out already…sometimes you have to practice to “get it.” But whether you know it yet or not, the advice above will help you too. Read it and use it.
All you can do is trust yourself to eventually figure it out, no matter what size you are.
It’s hard to believe at first, but just practice. You deserve to love yourself and enjoy your body, regardless of what the scale says. The scale isn’t important. Loving yourself is. The two things are completely unrelated.
FG, I’m a lot older than 23, and some days I don’t just understand what the 14 y.o reader is saying, I think it. I also have days when I think I am stupid and unlovable for other reasons. But, like Stacy suggests, I practice being kind to myself and loving my entire self, body, brain and all.
After so many years of telling myself that I am inadequate, I internalized it. Why can’t I do the same with positive thinking? If I tell myself “I am beautiful” enough, I can internalize that, too.
Stop focusing on being “beautiful.”
Ask yourself why no one expects boys or men to be beautiful.
Ask yourself: If you were horribly disfigured in a car accident and it became physically impossible for you to be beautiful, would you have anything to live for?
If the answer is yes, then start living for that now.
Wow, there are so many really thoughtful–and touching–comments on here.
I am usually just a reader not a poster, but I had to post here. A number of years ago I was looking for a resource to give a male friend to show him a huge cross-section of what real women’s bodies look like (ew, not literally cross-sections of bodies, but a cross-section of all *types* of bodies!).
[He was about to break up w/ a woman b/c he got “grossed out” by her breasts. (They sagged.) He was truly appalled at his own lame reaction, but he couldn’t help it. I thought he perhaps just needed to get “desensitized” by getting barraged with tons of images of women’s bodies–all shapes, sizes, colors, ages.]
I couldn’t find a resource like that at the time and a few years later decided to make a short film myself. It took me a long time to finish it because I basically had no funding, but the result is a short video called “Fifty Nude Women.” It shows hundreds of images of real women’s bodies–close-ups, long shots, etc.
(I just managed to cobble together a website for it: http://www.fiftywomen.com.)
I’m not saying as a filmmaker that a viewer needs to think these images are beautiful–I’m just giving a viewer the opportunity to see lots of varieties of how women’s bodies look.
It’s a tool to help balance all the unrealistic images you get bombarded with–it’s a reality check. And I think it would be really helpful for this young teenager.
I hope this doesn’t come across as a “spam”–I’m a real person & made this short film to help people. I realize there are so many people who are looking for tools to help them change their thinking, about themselves, about others. The post from this young girl is rather heartbreaking. Telling someone to feel confident is one thing, but sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words, ya know?
I hope some of you will check out this project and please give me some feedback as well.
A friend of mine sent me a link to your film, and it’s actually in my queue to write a post about it! Thanks for posting here; it’s a wonderful project.
This is so my teenage self, in fact myself fullstop until recently. I used to get so upset when people called me beautiful because I just couldn’t see it and it felt so weird because “someone must be lying”.
For me changing the way I felt about myself was by thinking of something else. No matter how I tried to tell myself I was beautiful I just couldn’t convince myself. Instead, I said, who wants to be beautiful anyway? There are far more important things, concentrate on them. And I did, I started thinking about how I could be more beautiful and complete on the inside. I concentrated on being nicer to people, more accepting, less selfish, more generous, on being kind and working hard, on doing things that made me happy, on embracing my weirdness.
And gradually, as I started to feel more satisfied with myself as a person (though there’s still a long way to go), I started to feel better about myself physically. I looked at photos and instead of noticing all the ‘flaws’, I noticed other things, I noticed how happy I looked, how much I loved the people I was with, I saw all my smiles and stupid poses and they made me laugh and I wanted the world to see them.
It’s sort of like coming at it sideways, I couldn’t get to ‘beauty’ by the straight conventional path, I’m never going to look like a model, so instead I sort of slipped round the back and found my way in there. I’m not saying I always love how I look, it’s a long road to self acceptance, but I think I’m getting there.
Another trick I find is looking at your friends and family, people you love and think about how beautiful they are to you. Then think would vogue put them on the cover. In most cases the answer is no, but they are still beautiful. If they can all be beautiful without being generically beautiful, why can’t other people find you beautiful?
You may already do this, but one piece of advice I can give is to not try to wear clothes that are too small for you. Wear clothes that are the size you *are*, and find things that are flattering to the shape you are now. You will look better and feel better.
occhiblu- don’t know if you will ever see this comment in response to yours, but i wanted you to know that i copied, pasted, and saved your entire comment… lifted my spirits this morning, thank you :)
“Your body is how your mind accomplishes its work in the world; it’s what lets you do and be and act.”
That is pretty lovely in my humble opinion, and so very true. I wish I could remember this on a daily basis when my head is filled up with so much negativity about my body (…maybe now i will, since i saved it). I am 22 years old, 5’5 and 110 lbs. I know that I am not fat but never feel good enough or fit enough, i pinch at my flesh and hate everything that is not muscle or skin (aka-fat). I used to be in hardcore good shape, very lean, ate a diet of 90% lean protein, worked out nearly every day, etc… a transition from being busier (and to be quite honest, lazier) has left me with a more “average” body composition and an overwhelming obsession with my bodyfat. I feel as if every ounce of fat that covers my muscles is a result of my laziness, my failure, that i’m not working hard enough.. because i know what i COULD be (and oddly enough the worse I feel about my body, the less active i am, and the worse i eat.. an entire bag of peanut butter cups yesterday…nice, i know! talk about self love..). This is a long vent, i know, but i guess my point is that even when i was that lean mean exercise machine, i was not happy (i still never felt fit ENOUGH, or i felt too fit and masculine, or too thin, ot too fat, always something).. i was seeking control of my life through my body, and neglecting other aspects of my life such as school and relationships (and often still do as a result of my constant ruminating about my body). Your comment put an end (for now) to this mornings ruminating, and made me realize that it is my MIND that is of value, and my is just a tool to help me REACH my goals, manipulating it should not BE my goal. Anywho, sorry again for the vent, but you never know when something you say might have a mighty impact on someone’s day…now i’m going to go STUDY my global business textbooks, instead of wasting anymore of my day studying my “flaws.” MUCHO GRACIAS!
Also, in the case of the 14 yr old girl, this breaks my heart. I wish I had an answer to offer, and i pray that she will find one that works for her, because I was her at 14, and now I am 22 and still desperately trying to find some love and compassion for myself. It’s a slippery slope, so start telling yourself you are beautiful TODAY, even if you DON’T believe it. Your mind is a powerful thing, and it takes your thoughts and words and created reality out of them. I have spent years, no, i have WASTED years, telling myself that i am not good enough, and now i will spend many more trying to undo that self inflicted damage. I get better everyday, but if I could I would go back to when those negative thoughts started and nip them in the butt through positive affirmations.
SORRY TO WHOEVER READS THIS, THAT’S 5 MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE BACK :) haha I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID, “OCCHIBLU, AMAZING, SIMPLE, PROFOUND, AND PERFECT COMMENT!” THANKS
Go to the mirror, and find one part of you. One feature. One thing. You like. Look at it. Admire it. Praise it. Don’t worry about the rest yet. You have time. When you finally love those thick, beautiful eyelashes, or those delicate little ears, or the pure, smooth, soft skin on the back of your hands, move on. Choose something else to love.
You *are* beautiful.
Beautiful and complex and miraculous.
If we ever met, I’d tell you so.
At *least* forty-five times.
Here we go… The best piece of advice I ever gave my younger brother, right before he started Freshman yeari: high school is fake, and it really is just a phase. I looked back over the journals I kept as a teenager, and I was absolutely floored by the things that mattered to me and crushed me. And I mean, I did this within a month of leaving high school. It was like a veil had been lifted, and all of sudden, I could really understand that all of the pretty snobby little girls didn’t matter, none of the insults mattered, none of the crushes on dreamy guys ever mattered. And the best part is… Seriously, this is shallow but fun…. After you’ve stopped listening to morons at school and started focusing on your education…. Years later, you can get on MySpace or Facebook and see that half the little tramps who made fun of you have either a) gotten knocked-up or b) have gotten ridiculously fat themselves! :-D So there you have it. All of these great people have poured their souls to you and given you heartfelt advice….. And I’m telling you: it’s going to be so much fun to watch those skinny bimbos get fat and then say, “Who’s a lard ass NOW, beyotch?!?” LOL. But hey, when it gets to that point, extend the olive branch, and remember there’s room for everyone on the Fat Acceptance Train. I just hope it’s also a gravy train. And when I say gravy, I mean g r a v y. :-) Some background: I am 24. Happily married. Decent job. Pretty happy most of the time. Outrageous hair. Amazing eyes. 410 pounds. Healthy or not, it’s who I am, and the trick for *every* woman is trying to love who she is, regardless of being 410 or 140 pounds. Stay strong, sugar!
Maybe you aren’t reading this 14 yr old girl but you sound like me at that age. Gosh I wasn’t even fat but I’d stand in front of the mirror and see how much I could pinch and then cry about how much it was.
I was lucky.. I didn’t really know about starving yourself, my mom sheltered me for so long.. and I’m glad she did. Our moms are biased. They always think we’re beautiful even when we KNOW we aren’t.
Guess what though? She’s right! She and your father MADE you.. there’s nothing you can call that other than beautiful. When I held my son in my arms and knew that we created him.. nothing else mattered. I didn’t matter! HE did!
One day you will be with someone who loves you no matter what.. you will hold your babies and realize that you know what? There’s so much more to life than how we look!
Those people who said mean things to you when you were 14? They aren’t in your life anymore (or most of them anyway). They are living their own lives which, believei t or not, may be worse than yours. That SO popular skinny cheerleader? SHe marries the star football player. He beats her, they divorce.. she’s got kids to take care of and a poor education to support them.
Hold your head high. Do your best to let it fall off your back. DO your best in school, make it your #1 priority. At that class reunion they will be envious of you.. I promise.
And don’t let your low self esteem run your life. Enjoy life as best you can. Don’t back o ut of doing somthing with a friend because you are afraid of being too FAT. You will just miss out on great things.
Don’t hide from the camera.. even if you look SOOOO HORRIBLE (you don’t) you will be grateful to have physical evidence of this time in your life.
I would tell myself all of these same things! I’m 28 now. I have a 4 year old son and expecting a daughter this summer. I’m still trying not to hate myself and my body.. but look what this fat body gave ME! 2 children.. that I MADE! I GREW inside of me! How can you hate your body knowing what it’s capable of? I have a husband who loves me and gets mad when I talk bad about my appearance. I surrround myself now with people who accept me and who love me and can look past my weight. The people who treat you bad aren’t worthy of being in your life. DO NOT hang out with poisonous people! It does you no good!
My fav quote is by Dr. Seuss.
“Be who you are, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind at all”
It’s 100% true… one day you’ll realize this and I hope something I’ve said here helps you along your journey.
Hugs,
Laur a
I recommend “Love Your Looks” by Carolynn Hillman. It helped me tremendously.
i feel reaaly body concious all the time. i dont know what to do either, i dont even like going swimming because im afraid of my faat!i know people tell me that im skinny and pretty but i knoow imnot! and i will never be able to get over my self and just face the fact that i will never be a size 0!
unless i just starve my self to deeath to get the perfect look so i wont be so afraid to show off my body
Teenage self? Hell, it sounds like my current self too a lot of the time!
I need to work on my own body image, I know.
Being beautiful is not only physical appearance but for me, it is more on attitude . If you are a good person and have an excellent attitude , that is beautiful.
I know it is hard to learn how to love your self when the main stream image of perfect is a size 0. but what we have to remember is just because its “the look” donest mean its the only look.
I’d just like to say something from a mans point of view. First of all, this talk of not being beautiful to yourself is just forced onto people that have insecurities of their own. Nobody is perfect and nobody can tell you that your not perfect. I’m 36 years old and i’m nowhere near perfect. I’m a tattoo artist, so i’m covered in tattoos, some people even think i’m a freak. They stop and stare they point and laugh. Some approach and inspect. But really….. who cares who “they” are. I have been raised by 2 wonderful Grandparents, may they rest in peace, that taught me never to judge anyone, no matter what size, race, age, or gender. I think when it finally hits you that other people that try to hurt you with words are followers not leaders. They try to look “cool” infront of others for acceptance. They are the ones hurting inside, not you. You may hurt on the outside but inside you’re probably a very happy organized person. Just imagine how you would feel if you hurt inside. Like them, but with one difference, you would try to help them as a leader, not cut them down as a follower. Bigger difference in character. Just keep your head held up high. If you are comfortable with yourself, be comfortable. If you feel like losing weight…. do it…. Your life is what you make of it. If you have social problems in school, don’t bother with the students and study hard, go to college and be sombody! When you’re making 100k + a year and the kids that taunted you work at Mcdonalds, You’ll see who has the last laugh. I hope that my words were an inspiration to you from a man’s point of view that understands.
I have been looking for a blog on how girls and women waste our lives worrying about being “beautiful enough”– for what? At age 53, I still don’t know, but I know that many of these responses made me cry because I believe in my heart that we equate being beautiful with being loved. And, though my head might say that is not true, my heart aches whenever my husband looks at or makes a comment about a beautiful woman. It FEELS like he doesn’t love me. It FEELS like those women represent what he really wants. And he’s an exceptional man, sensitive and feminist. But, in our world, it is a “given” that women must be beautiful and that men have the absolute right to define, judge and look at them. How can we not compare ourselves and feel unloveable?
Wow…how can we save these kids? No one at that age understands the depth of the issue. Oddly, I was thin and stacked and gorgeous from 12 years onward, unfortunately that appearence severely negatively affected my ability to develop personality and humor. It ‘froze’ me somehow. Even if you are ‘thin’ you are never ‘thin enough’, “pretty enough’, etc. ,etc. There is only the ‘if only’ catch no matter how thin or pretty the world see’s you as….if only my hair were fuller, curly/straight, nose smaller. Now older and overweight but happy….I do really see that this ‘skin suit’ is nothing compared to our spirit that will continue on through time. Now how to get that through to anyone else, I’m not sure? It maybe an age thing. Biologically speaking, beauty is defined as what physcial traits lend themselves to being most likely to be an asset to the reproduction process. That was an issue that woke me up…..do I want to be judged on my ‘beauty’ based on whether I can successfully reproduce??? B.S!
Last year, at fourteen, I was in the same place you are now. I was curvier than the other girls, both because I had already hit puberty and because I was simply taller and bigger. I really despised the way I looked, wore clothes that I thought hid my body, and acted very withdrawn and self-hating.
But in the past year, I have woken up. I have realized that your dress size is irrelevant to the kind of person you are, or want to be; that whether guys find me physically attractive has nothing to do with my ability to find love. Because, really, the immature high school boys who make rude comments to us now are the real losers here.
Now, I know that I am a beautiful person. I am smart and charming, generous and charismatic. I dress the way I want to, in cute dresses and flirty skirts, not the jeans-and-a-black-tee-shirt uniform of my hardest years. And do you know what? I have made more friends and gotten more compliments in the past few “confident” months than I ever did before. People gravitate toward radiant curvy women so much more than self-deprecating skinny girls.
This didn’t happen overnight for me, and will not for you. You need to start with little things: actually accept compliments (do not negate someone’s words! Say a heartfelt ‘Thank You’ and think about their kindness); flirt without abandon; take time to light candles, take baths, or go dancing; be charming; and thank your mom for calling you beautiful.
It is so easy to slip into the self-deprecating cycle that most women fall victim to. Be different, be confident, be beautiful — love yourself.
Hi, I’m 14 & I basically hate everything about myself. I feel like everyone is staring at me and is thinking “Wow, she is so ewww!”. I don’t know what to do anymore. All of my friends say I’m pretty, but I can’t bring myself to believe them. I’m somewhere near 160-165 lbs. usually.I don’t know what to do anymore. I really need some help. If anybody wants to help me, I’d be really happy that you did. Please, help?!
This is my teenaqe self . I am 15 years old almost 16 and I for a long time felt like I was ugly and everyyone hated me because of my size. I no longer feel that way but what helped me was my mom she told me noone felt that way but me and I couldn’t see past what I felt so at first I felt like my mom was just trying to make me feel better until I realized it was true because I had friends but I was paranoid that all they did was talk about my weight behind my back and my insecurities was making me loose friends because I wouldn’t want to hang out because I thought they didn’t really want me there. I understand how you feel but I have changed a lot since then. I no longer feel that skinny people are beautiful because they’re skinny. Your self esteem is very easy to see and if you have none that’s also very easy. To see even if you hide it ppeople can see threw all the talk no matter how dumb they are. I feel for you because I have been in your shoes but the only way to deal with this is talk it out and if u feel people look at you as ugly because of your size change it. I am in the process now but before you work on your outside work on your inside I. Hope this helps you But talk with your mom about it I’m sure she’ll help you too.
God Bless .
Hi.
I’ve just been reading this thread and had the following observations and opinions:
While the fact that more than half the population in America is overweight might make it normal to be that way, it does not make it the preferred way to be. Even if everyone on the planet were obese, the fact that everyone is like this doesn’t make it any healthier. A size 12 being the average by no means makes it the ideal. Perhaps it’s so hard to get people who are overweight to like themselves because they know deep down that it’s not healthy, and they don’t like that they can’t be healthier than they are. Certainly, telling heavy people that it’s okay for them to be that way, sends a bad message, in that it encourages and promotes unhealthy living. It’s unhealthy to be fat. So we shouldn’t be telling the obese that it’s okay to remain that way.
Yes, the body, whether fat or thin, is an amazing super machine. But let’s not allow our awe of it to obscure its illnesses. It does a sick person little good to extol his body’s virtues while he’s dying from pneumonia. Typically, only taking the necessary steps to get better will actually cure him. You can list all the positive truths about yourself you want. But in the end, if you were fat to begin with, you’ll be fat when you’re finished. You’ll not be able to mask that truth no matter how many pep talks you give yourself.
We tell women that their bodies need to look a certain way (thin), not because we’re shallow, but rather, because thin is a healthy way to be. The thinnest people live the longest and have the highest quality of life. This has been proven over and over again. So the thin ideal is not some sort of conspiracy among men to keep women down, or anything else sinister like that. It’s merely an expression of what people (males and females alike) want to see. Even the heavy would typically rather date the thin than they would other heavies.
People’s desires for healthy associates probably comes from natural selection. Put simply: The healthier you are, the better your chances of having healthy offspring, and imparting your healthy ideals to your kids. Evolution weeds out unhealthy preferences (such as an attraction to fat mates) because those who support them are less likely to pass them onto subsequent generations – they often end up dying before ever having children. Anything that interferes with a person’s reproductive capabilities is frowned upon by natural selection. So it’s natural that people on the whole prefer the company of the thin to that of the frumpy.
One poster lost me when s/he argued that if everyone looked the same (thin) then they’d also act, do, and be the same. This idea is ridiculous because it totally dismisses the individuality that our brains grant us. Even if everyone had a thin body, the differences in their upbringings and experiences alone, not to mention their genetic differences, would make them not the same. Even if we consider just the thin bodies, we can’t say that they’re all exactly the same, just because they’re all thin. They still have different fingerprints, shoe sizes, different colors of hair and eyes, and so on. They would be ticklish (or not) in different places, and each would still have their own unique scents. So there’s no reason to think that the “diversity of experiences” that we all now enjoy would be any less in a world without the Rubenesque.
Kids of ten years of age or less are right to be concerned about their diets because establishing unhealthy eating patterns at these ages is very easy to do, yet so hard to reverse once adulthood is reached. Now if their concern becomes an unhealthy obsession, then this is another matter entirely. But if all they want is to eat only what they must to keep their bodies well-nourished and slender, then we adults ought to encourage that. Because we do not, we’re seeing the highest rates of childhood obesity in history.
On believing that you’re beautiful: This only gets you so far. Perhaps you are. Perhaps you’re not. Who decides? You, or the people around you? When I view myself in the mirror, I see a reasonably handsome guy peering back at me. But I also hear often from women that I’m unattractive. Not all of them feel that way. But most do. So, am I really attractive or really unattractive? There is no absolutely true answer here. If I’m interested in mating with those women, then I’d better at least consider their opinions a little. But their opinions need not affect our self images so long as we keep in mind how relative and non universal it all is.
I don’t mean to suggest that maintaining a healthy weight is easy. I myself have fluctuated between 138 and 194 pounds during my adult years, and I’m currently near the high end of that. But though a healthy weight is difficult, it is for me nonetheless, the ideal. One day, I’ll get back to 140 and keep it there. Hopefully, that will be this year.
You don’t need makeup or fancy clothes to be beautiful. This part I agree with and do think that some part of society’s obsession with thinness is driven by the extensive marketing machines of the cosmetics and clothing industries. But though these companies through their relentless ad campaigns make society wish it was thin to an excessive degree, the basic ideal itself is a good one, as discussed above.
Yes, a person’s sense of his own beauty must come from within. But given how socially interdependent and interconnected we humans are, it’s difficult for even the most resolute among us to be totally insensitive to others’ opinions of us. It seems to me that if you really want to maximize your self opinion, then you need to make yourself into a person of which the greatest majority of your social circle approves. In our culture, getting thin will move you a long way toward greater acceptance and approval from the crowds.
Well, I’m not sure how many characters I can post on here in a single message. So I’d better close this comment now, before it gets too big. I’ll read some more of this thread and perhaps post additional comments later.
Take care,
Tom Hesley
Tom,
Your whole post was very politely worded crapola. I’m so sorry that you have such a low self-image that you feel the need to troll FA blogs to state that you believe we should all be rail thin just because you think so.
You definitely need to do some reading on health issues. You claim that thin ppl are healthier. Wrong. Fat ppl have a better chance of surviving cancer, heart attacks, and several other serious illnesses much better than thin ppl.
So, women have called yu unatraactive. I bet it’s what’s inside, not the exterior that they are referring to.
I know you’ll probably never read this, but dude, get some help! You are in serious need of education and therapy. Your opinion is your own, but if you are so anti-fat, why are you reading a FA blog in the first place?
I am also Fed Up Girl. I help girls age 9 to 15 have positive body image, self esteem and a balanced life. So they don’t get an eating disorder. Ha! I have the bases covered! If you know any children this age, or those who love them, check out our site as we can come to your school or group and do our LIVE Workshop http://www.fedupgirl.com.
It really ticks me off when people make these kinds of generalization of what is best for everyone. How come we can agree that not everyone is cut out to be a scientist, a nurse, or a even a mom —- yet we have to force-feed the idea into society that everyone must be THIN in order to be loved, get married, stay married, be praised, be worthy, and lead a happy and meaningful life. Its plain crap fed to us by advertising and the media.
Honey – don’t drink the Koolaid! thats what I say —- realize now — that everyone is not meant to be thin — or a doctor or even a politician. It takes all kinds to make a world. Be who you are — be proud — and enjoy your life. Be healthy – make good choices as for what you eat, and how you take care of your body.
FOCUS on health — focus more on your emotional health than on your body —– and THAT is how you will learn to accept yourself. Once I realized that no matter how hard I tried I would never look like “them” I realized that I could either give up — or accept it.
And to Tom — you need to realize that just because someone is THIN does NOT mean that they are healthy —- both inside and out. Health is relative to the person’s individual situation. Stop making generalities. I think you should research what happens to women after menopause in relation to fat metabolism. …the body sends a message for women to GAIN weight in order to be healthier. read up.
ps Tom – 140? It would be hypocritical of me to judge you by your weight, but I am sure other women on here know what I am thinking. ;) 140 on a man – unless you are about 5ft – is starvation.
I would also like to respond to Tom, though I must admit I only skimmed after this little gem: “The thinnest people live the longest and have the highest quality of life.”
Uh, Tom? Ever seen a starving person? I think they’d beg to differ.
I’m not making generalities, either. I used to be frighteningly thin. Not anorexic by the traditional definition (starving myself as the result of a skewed body image), but because I was depressed, and when I’m depressed, I can’t eat. But it doesn’t matter what the reason was, in terms of my health. I am 5’6″, and at my lowest I was 88 lbs. Not healthy. At all. Fainting spells, heart palpitations, low blood pressure. I was sick all the time, because I became sick so easily and it took me forever to get over every illness. I shudder to think what I did to my body in those years. I only hope the damage wasn’t too great.
As for your fertility statements…my doctor told me, back when I was 90 lbs, that I needed to *gain* 40 lbs before I could have a healthy pregnancy. So don’t make the sweeping generalization that thin = healthy. It’s not.
And I would like to say for the teenagers (and those of us who still hear our inner teenagers) that thin does not equal beautiful. I was thin as a teenager. And I felt hideous. I barely had breasts. While my bottom half was a bit rounder than my top half, my hipbones jutted out visibly. My elbows were bigger than my biceps. My legs were sticks. Compared to my body, my head looked huge. (My own mother refers to one of my senior pictures as “the big E.T.-head picture.”) Ooh…sexy. :P
Now, guess who I got compliments from back then, in this age of “skinny is beautiful”? WOMEN. Guys, without fail, told me I’d look so much better if I’d gain some weight. (When they talked to me at all. Usually, they were talking to the girls with boobs. :) To this day (I’m 110 now — still thin, but less scary), men tell me I should gain weight. And the women gush about how they’d love to be thin like me.
Ladies, we’re doing this to ourselves. And we need to stop.
Yes, I’ve seen starving people and I never claimed that a person in such a clinically verified state is healthier than a heavy person. You’re putting words in my mouth that were not uttered by me. THIN does NOT equate to starvation, as so many on here seem to suggest or imply that it does. Thin is healthy. But starvation is not. By THIN, I’m referring to people with BMIs of around 20, give or take a few points depending on the body type. Much less or more than that, and overall health appears to decline.
umm… a bmi of 20 is almost the lowest healthy bmi there is. up to 25 and you’re gold, is what the bmi says, but maybe you know better? since you claim to be speaking for health and not beauty?
by the way, have you heard of muscle? it tends to weigh more than fat, and so gives you a higher bmi… but maybe women aren’t supposed to have muscle either (to be a bmi of 20), because everyone knows it’s unattrac.. uh, unhealthy.
There are always exceptions to every rule. But as a general RULE, women with BMIs of close to 20 attract me the most often and profoundly.
Now I’ve said NOTHING about what women should or should not do. If they’d prefer to be curvy, then more power to them. I just happen to prefer the thin side.
If you think I’m shallow for that, then let’s hear what you find attractive. I guarantee you that no matter what you say, I can make a solid case for you being shallow for that preference. Liking thin women is on the whole, no more or less shallow than appreciating someone smart, rich, curvy, innocent, whatever.
Maybe it would help if she realized how few skinny 14 year olds actually feel pretty. I was a twig at 14 and could only see tiny boobs in the mirror or my weight inching towards–gasp–100 pounds. What would I do if I weighed 100 pounds?! I had a lot of chubby friends tell me I was annorexic as a form of criticism of my body and it worked. I thought I was so ugly. I think that this girl needs to realize that beauty comes in many shapes (I’ve seen it!) and that all girls are in this together.
Even as a skinny person I would just not eat at all when my boyfriend treated me badly, going for almost 3 days without food at a time when I was sad. (I didn’t even realize I COULD have a boyfriend until I got one). Then there were irregular periods and random unexplained sicknesses that took weeks or months of recovery in which I looked like a little ghost of who I once was. When I sprouted breasts, I was all about trying to make them look bigger and show them off. Then I went through a phase when I tried to gain weight just to be seen as a “normal” person so I wouldn’t always have to hear girls spitefully saying, “I hate you, you’re SO skinny!”
Or the people that would just say “Eat a hamburger!” Like my body was some kind of affront to them.
I think the best thing this girl could do would be to read “In Praise of Women’s Bodies,” an essay by Gloria Steinem.
I love my body now and I recognize that getting to this place might not be so hard for me because my body IS the beauty standard, but it was still a struggle. When I read letters like this I feel so sad because there are so many beautiful girls out there who have NO idea of how capable and strong their bodies are. Read “Phenomenal Woman” by Maya Angelo.
Finally, I want to say that removing the focus of your concerns from beauty is a difficult task, but worth it. Around the time I realized how beautiful I am, I also came to see how little that counted for. How so much of me was not represented by a “hot bod.” My sense of style, my hobbies, how far I can run, my grades, my investment in feminism. These are all things that suddenly took on far more importance than diet or exercise for the singular purpose of trying to change into something else. These were things that I started to do for my own enjoyment, not out of fear of public ridicule.
Oh and Tom, stfu.
We tell women that their bodies need to look a certain way (thin), not because we’re shallow, but rather, because thin is a healthy way to be.Oh yeah, then why don’t fat men constantly hear the same bullshit and having the same self-hate imposed on them as fat women do? In the words of Kill Your Idols in “What Doesn’t Kill Me”, the lyric “so nice of you to care!” applies to FA backlash bigtime. Fat people, namely fat women, do not need to be “saved”. If I can live with being fat, so can the douchebags around me. The statement you made here also implies that in spite of how far we’ve come, that we still need men to be our fucking overlords…with a “so nice of you to care” attitude. Men berate women for being fat for health reasons? No, they berate them because of their own insecurity, and what a previous poster said– in the screwy body-dismorphic world we live in, NO woman is allowed to be happy with her body. It also has to do with the sense of entitlement so many men feel they have, which just sets them up for loneliness and disappointment. That used to piss me off as a teen. As an adult, I laugh at that with incredulity and find that men who make those statements are usually very insecure.Even women who fit the fascist beauty standards imposed on us feel miserable and worthless. If you are a woman in the society we live in, everyone treats YOUR body as if it’s THEIR fucking business. I mean that on many levels. The society we live in tells us that we are assigned a value. That value is based on appearance alone. We’re told we’re not worthy unless men find us attractive and have been given a high value. It’s how dieting became a fucking INDUSTRY. Self-hate is the most valuable intangible good to any of these companies…in economic terms, self-hate and insecurity are limitless free goods that will always keep profits pumping.
The thinnest people live the longest and have the highest quality of life Where is your proof of this? Sure, thin people may not experience as much societal bullshit as fat people, but quality of life has many different components. That includes what one person deems to be high quality of life versus another’s. As for long lives, both of my maternal grandparents were fat and neither died until they were in their 80s. And that was long before the “OMFG! obesity crisis!!1!11” boogeymen started coming out. I’d consider 83 and 87 to be long lives. And as for quality of life…I’d say I have a great quality of life. Being fat has not stopped me from having a successful financial services practice, a master’s degree in accounting, great friends, a loving family, playing guitar in various bands, my very own apartment, and an active sex life. I’ve had a lot of one-of-a-kind life experiences, and done many things most people don’t get to do in their lives like see different parts of the world and meet famous people. I know that as some “omg disgusting fatty pig” I’m supposedly not entitled to any of those things and I should be shamed to no end for how I look to the point that I should just confine myself to my apartment. Especially the sex life bit! Just because you’re not attracted to fat women doesn’t mean there’s no men out there at all who are– if that were the case, then why do magazines like Gents, BBW, and Plumpers exist? Why are there dating sites for people of both genders who prefer larger partners? Being that I live in one of the biggest cities in the world, I’ve seen that people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and backgrounds find love and sex. I’ve been no exception. As an adult I’m also amazed at how many more sex partners I’ve had than my thinner peers– so I must be attractive to SOME degree then in spite of all the shaming that was constantly spewed at me all throughout my pre-teen teenage years. Being fat has not stopped me from dating and hooking up with my fair share of high-quality men. Yes, I know that for every guy whose heart I broke there’s another guy who’ll put me on his “not in a million years” list. There’s been many a time when I had a disagreement with one and chances are when my back was turned, he referred to me as a fat bitch instead of just a bitch. I know that and I accept that. I don’t consider my life to be something forfeited to me (thanks to the poster who made the Nutrisystem taking your life away analogy!) because of my weight. Conclusion? Women are always told what the fuck to do with their bodies and we’re just told we’re fat pigs in denial for wanting to rebel from the fascist ideals imposed on us in the “so nice of you to care!” guise of “OMG! Fat is unhealthy u must be saved!” Fat women are still human beings who deserve to live fulfilling lives. And if we can live with it, so can you.
Rachel,
I don’t want to deny that you have had a very negative experience with feeling valued, but it really isn’t the case that “Even women who fit the fascist beauty standards imposed on us feel miserable and worthless.” I fit the standards and I love myself and my talents. (I’m thin, hourglass figure, and I’m even naturally blonde.) I always have. Since I was a little girl, I’ve known I have great things to contribute to the world. I am finally old enough to seriously get started on my career. I’ve been waiting for ten years for this moment in my life! FINALLY all my analytical abilities, language skills, and leadership skills are going to be appreciated!
My mother and father are feminists, and perhaps this is a large part, if not the only factor, in why I never put my self-esteem stock in my looks. Looks fade, 30 years of excellent career doesn’t. I never wondered if I’d be loved. I wonder if I can make CEO, or if I’m going to have to settle for VP.
The reason I’m posting this comment is to point to what I think is the solution: daughters raised in a household where their skills – not looks – are what garners praise from parents must surely be buffered from this self-hate you have endured. It goes back to feminism basics: don’t let men define you. Pleasing men is optional. Believe it, live it, communicate it to your daughter by what you say and do.
I’m sure someone will find this offensive in how “arrogant” I come off, bragging about my abilities and ambitions in a space where most people are commenting about their personal misery. I have found that my raw ambition doesn’t always go over well, with either men or women. As it were, pleasing other women is also optional. I am who I am, and I like myself this way. If you can’t take the positive message of that patriarchy CAN be resisted from this comment, then you will likely think I’m a bitch. Apologies to you if so; but I’m still gunning for CEO.
Teresa
I am 24, 5’1″, 110 lbs, and have always been told how beautiful I am.
I have never felt beautiful, or ugly. Mostly just that I wish people would stop talking about how I look either way.
That website is not only very evil so are the website owners! Read on:
… it appears that the CEO of the website Robert Hintze is featured in the book called “The Models Diet – More than a body”. In this book, Robert Hintze actually recommends men, to go out and buy a prostitute if they don’t feel like they can ever meet attractive women. Not only does he tell people to lose weight, he also tells them they can increase selfesteem by buying good looking prostitutes! The media should seriously look into this!
I think that the search for “controversy” has reached its limit with the website and I don’t think that it would look all that great if a headline would say “Beautiful People CEO recommends prostitues”.
Tom Hesley: setting aside the sweeping generalizations you’ve made in citing this dualism of “thin vs. obese”–a disturbingly simplified pseudo-medical perspective touted as a health concern. And looking beyond your casual unfounded conclusions of evolution, natural selection, etc.
In a nutshell, what you’re saying is “Do what you wanna do… as long as what you wanna do is what everyone wants you to do.”… sort of satirical line quoted from South Park. But I think it applies here.
Your little assessment of the woes of “fatty acceptance” really leaves no room for nuance… seeing as its not something you exercise very much. No pun intended.
Just for sh*ts and giggles though–not everyone who’s fat is lazy and unhealthy. There are plenty of functional fat people who lead active, productive, prolific, healthy lives–and with longevity. I witness this all the time. You use the word obesity interchangeably with the word fat–how incredibly misleading. *tsk tsk*
Putting on my Captain Obvious hat here: Not everyone who’s thin is healthy… personally speaking, I’ve observed multiple sedentary thin people who have the worst eating habits. They have no zest for life or getting out and doing something active, and are paralyzed by their own insecurities.
Of course, by your standards, they’re going to lead more successful and happier lives, not to mention they’ll be healthier because… well, they’re thin.
Nuance… it really does help one gain better insight into issues.
No, not EVERY one who is thin, is healthy. But statistically, more then are healthier than the heavy — what do you think the growing epidemic of childhood obesity comes from? Pleae do not accuse me of generalizations I did not make. We’re dealing in shades of gray here. That is to say that not everyone who is thin is healthier than everyone who is fat. Again, I never claimed such nonsense. Further, if you think that there is no link between obesity and poor health, then you’ve had your head stuck in the sand for decades.
At fourteen I had body dysmorphic disorder. I started sticking my finger down my throat after eating. And the truth is, I was skinny. I’m far from skinny now but I think I’m actually healthier. Don’t worry about weight loss, concentrate on being healthy and active instead. Do the things you love. Then you will shine!
I was one of those 14 year old girls who suddenly `blossomed’ into a medium-built, stocky kind of teenager during puberty. I was constantly shamed & beaten for this by my mother, ridiculed by my brothers, boys & teachers at school, and by society at large.
I did everything to try to lose weight, from counting every calorie, exercising like a fanatic, throwing up, & chain smoking but as soon as I gave up whatever harmful behaviour that was making me thin, I went back to being stocky.
And in spite of all this, I have always attracted men to me- whether I was quite fat or just medium- and I have never been short of boyfriends who cared for me. I’ve had more wonderful lovers than I care to admit, and have been happily married for 7 years.
Why? Well, I think the secret that many misogynists try to keep from us is that good men love us for the way we make them feel, for who we are, for the interests we share in common, the way we laugh and smile, and there is a special place in their hearts for women who are honest and do not manipulate them.
I guess what I’m saying is just be the best human being you can be, and you will never be unloved. Also, try your best to cut out anyone in your life who tries to shame you for the superficial things. They are not your friend, and they will interfere with you reaching your potential.
I’m going to take a slightly different tack here.
There’s a book “Feeling Good”, and while it is very flawed, it has an excellent, powerful message: it is possible to look at yourself with complete honesty, appreciate yourself, and make a good life.
You have some flaws. We all do. Maybe you are overweight. Maybe you are NOT beautiful. Maybe you are a plain Jane. You know what? That’s okay. You don’t have to be beautiful and skinny to have a fulfilling life and find love. Yes, some people will judge you for not fitting into their physical ideal. BUT, and here’s the key, not everyone will.
You don’t have to be special in ANY WAY to enjoy all that life has to offer. You will have a life with ups and downs, just like everyone else.
Hope that helps. I highly recommend that book.
My sister was in the same boat at 14. my mom hired her a nutritionist and she helped her with food choices and life choices…
I have mixed emotions over my “fattness I don’t mean to be the devils advocate here,but I wiegh just a little over 400 lbs. and I feel like shit physically speaking due to my high blood preesure and out of control diabetes and unable to get around without being in tremendous physical pain(back, leg,feet\ankle pain, not to mention all the yeast and skin infections I get due to being a diabetic and chafting due to my fat flabby flesh rubbing against itself and I,m not even in my 40’s yet!! I am extremely unhappy due to my physical ailments, all though I am greatful for all the FA’s here and in the world, because no one really knows what it is to be descriminated against other than other fat women such as myself.
To the 14 year old girl and others, try to be both accepting of your body size and be fit and healthy. But a word of warning please don’t become like me! I don’t mean to be any of your worst nightmare here,but I can’t deny the reality that has become me!How did I come to this? I always seem to be asking lately. I’m physically unable to do most exercises and those I do do are extremely difficult that I just can’t seem to bare them but only in a extremely short amount of time and makes me fell I’m wasting my time,this may sound like an excuse but it truely isn’t. I try but I keep packing on the weight at astronomical pace in an extremely short period of time. I put on over 215 lbs. in less than 4 years
I sometimes feel I’m loving my fat self to death. People treat those such as myself as invaluable and inhuman as if I’m not worth knowing due to my size, like Shrek said in “Shrek” who said to Donkey, “People judge me before they even know me”. And to here those in the media\fashion world refer to as “less is more” if that is the case I guess it is true by their standards that they also believe that “more is less”,especially when it comes to the female body and form. I heard some anoexic people say they starve themselves so they can disappear, well I feel like saying to them start eating like me and according to society you wll disappear! Because you will blend into the background,because no one rerally notices or cares about the fat chick unless she is the but of their crude insensitve jokes like the fat lady in a freak show only to be gawked at and shamed and still put on thet sterotypical “jolly” fat face,like it doesn’t hurt like Hell!!
My husband calls me his “fat sexy baby” But I don’t feel sexy or think that myself, not that I don’t try. I just wouldn’t mind being fat except for my out of control health issues and got nothing against those that are fat and fit no matter your plus size and,I’ll never be a size 0,2,4,6,8,10, or even a 12 again, even if I do some how miraculously lose 100,s of lbs.! I just want to be fat and healthy,and not the nightmare I now find myself desprately trying to wake from. I’m afraid I’m going to need major medical help with my weight or I’m going to die very soon due to my existing out of control health issues. I guess “one size (doesn’t really) fit all”,believe me it really should be, “one size fits most”and it’s Hell when nothing fits!