Former Fat People II
Remember Dagny, whose posts about being a formerly fat person sparked an interesting conversation here back in May? Here were some comments from that thread:
A formerly fat person is fed countless cues all day long to repudiate fat and sing the praises of weight loss. It never ceased to fascinate me how people seemed to see old, fat me almost as an entirely different person – a person so contemptible that I should be able to tolerate hearing insulted with relative ease.
I am not proud of my feelings or some of my behavior toward other fat people or even thin people who were not in the kind of athletic shape I’d attained during this period. I would blithlely head for the stairs instead of the elevator, even though I knew my companion was looking at them with the same suffocating dread I’d felt myself a year before. Inside I would tell myself I was doing them a favor; all I was actually doing was showing off.
Hell some of us didn’t even need to be formerly fat to be arrogant. My last diet I lost 30 lbs (still fat, mind you) and decided I’d discovered the secret of weight loss if anybody cared to listen (happily nobody did).
Change is scary and finding oneself in a new body — thin or fat — can leave a person feeling adrift. Perhaps judging fat friends or strangers is the former fat person’s subconscious way of managing those fears.
Although I didn’t think people were attacking Dagny so much as discussing the issue in general, she pulled down her old blog. However, she came back yesterday to revisit the issue, because she feels we may have misunderstood her last time.
One thing I don’t think I explicitly said last time is that I appreciate Dagny’s honesty. She is, I’m sure, not the only person who struggles with her attitude towards fat people now that she is no longer fat herself. I was bummed she took her blog down, because I thought it provided a unique perspective. Anyway, now Dagny says:
I’ve written many times (mostly in my former blog) about the confusing and often disturbing feelings and reactions I will experience when I see fat people in certain situations. I am also bothered by the sight of an overweight woman who might be dressed the way I used to dress. When I see the all-too-familiar shirttail out, baggy pants, lumbering walk—I’ll feel upset to know that’s how I used to look for so long and think about how much I hated it.
So what do you think of the phenomenon of the formerly fat? What is the ideal attitude of someone who used to be fat and now isn’t? How do we want them to react to and interact with us? And did we misjudge Dagny the first time?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Fatism, Weight Loss, WLS
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Gee, I don’t mean to be the very first comment here but my blog is already showing a spike in visits. You folks are popular!
I would just like to note that the reason I took my old blog down was because I’d had it about two years and I felt it was time to try a new direction. In many aspects of my life now I have felt a need to begin a process of moving on and changing my blog perspective was part of that.
Recent extreme trolling prompted me to turn off open commenting to my blog. My email address is on my home page and I welcome your comments. Thank you very much. Really.
The only way I can tackle this topic is through my own experiences. When my sister had WLS and lost a tremendous amount of weight (she was almost 350 when she had it done and went down to the 160’s), she went through a second adolescence, for lack of a better description. She became the Messiah of Weight Loss, telling me I HAD to have it done because it would change my life.
Her life changed in that she started drinking so much she’d black out; had an affair with a married man; and became an insufferable person to be around because she was “fixed” and her life was going to be forever wonderful because the only true problem she had in her life was that she was fat. Of course, that wasn’t the case–and five years down the line, she’s finally gotten a grip on that concept and is very supportive of me and my belief in fat acceptance.
I had to pretty much cut ties with another person because I couldn’t stand hearing 24/7 talk of diets and how much she’d lost and how she couldn’t eat this and she couldn’t eat that and hearing from other friends how she was determined that I get my “health under control”. She was another person who believed that all problems would be solved if she was thin and by God, she was going to spread the Word of Weight Loss if it killed her…and it all poured into my ear. So I removed myself from the situation and, out of some measure of spite, joined a gym. Some 18 months later, I’m still going to the gym. She’s gained weight back.
My advice to those who choose to diet and lose weight would be this: shut up about it. Realize that endless talk about diets and what you can and can’t eat and making sure every conversation you have revolves around your weight loss efforts isn’t inspiring to anyone who isn’t interested in hopping onboard the weight-loss train. I know people who diet/exercise and are able to talk about any number of other subjects besides their diet/workout regime, the size of their clothes, what size they feel they MUST be in, and how the only way I can possibly be happy is to join them in their quest for perfection.
Make your life about all sorts of things, not merely dieting/exercising.
I think I was lurking around here in May, but I don’t remember the post. I think that what frustrates me with the “formerly fat” is that there is a distinction. Yes, we all know that the world treats you differently at different sizes (having once lost 40 lbs, I got all sorts of different responses from people), but the idea that you are not “normal” as a fat person is frustrating and at the core of what stops people from cultivating self-esteem.
I had stopped myself, for a long time, from doing all sorts of things because I thought I was too fat to do them. Now, I’m still fat and I’m living my life, realizing that the things that are stopping me in this life are my own preconceptions about what’s possible.
I sometimes walk down the street dressed in baggy pants and an untucked shirt. In fact, I’ll be going out that way tonight to get some groceries. But I also go out dressed very business-like or really sexy. I like what I look like in the different things I wear – or I go for the comfort of knowing that I’m just going to run an errand, a situation in which I couldn’t give squat who thinks what of me.
What I would like “formerly fat” people to do as well as those of us who are currently fat is to recognize and point out to others that weight is a stupid measure by which to judge the worth of a person.
I think it’s important for everyone to avoid making assumptions about what others are thinking and going through based on how they look right then.
If you’re “formerly fat,” don’t assume that the fat people walking down the street are “just like you used to be.” Don’t take their baggy pants as a sign of Everything That Is Wrong With Them- maybe that person is just going for groceries, like Spins! Maybe it’s laundry day. Don’t assume that they have the same relationship with their body or food that you do or did have. You’re not responsible for “saving” people, even if you feel like you have “saved” yourself.
Before you judge, take a moment to think about whether you are projecting your experience onto a stranger.
I think this is a good strategy for lots of situations- when I’m feeling anxious or paranoid, my best friend always talks me through it by reminding me that there are 100 reasons besides me that random people might be rude, mean, or dismissive, and that I’m not responsible for them!
I found Dagny’s blog via a “friend” who has gone thru WLS. Damn did it EVER open my eyes to exactly “who” my “friend” was. She certainly wasn’t the fat girl I used to hang out with! I have struggled every day since reading some of her cutting words on blogs (her own and comments I stumbled upon). I still struggle to wonder if this is the person she’s always been. A friend once said to me “A leopard never changes her spots” and it’s stuck w/ me. It hurts to realize that my “friend” is not the person I ever thought she was. She pity’s me for being fat – something she will NEVER say to my face, but instead behind my back. She hasn’t said anything about ME that I KNOW of, but I know she’s publicly dissed her best friend (I’m guessing w/out said friend’s knowledge).
Not all of us turn to WLS as a way to lose weight. Not all of us are ready to give up without a fight. I struggle w/ my weight – in my own way. I’m glad she did what she felt she had to, I’m doing things my own way.
It’s rather sad to read so many WLS patients are sooo opposed to fat people. Except um, that’s who they are. Who they were. Their past.
I’m rambling. And frustrated. But I think that Dagny put herself out there to be judged, just like she judges those that she used to be just like. Right or wrong, it’s a public blog.
I don’t think it’s such a terrible or such an unusual thing to have the feelings Dagny expressed, and I don’t think they necessarily mean that you are a jerk or that you hate fat people. I do think it’s big-time about fear and self-loathing, and I think it’s a direct reaction to the fat hatred we all deal with every day.
Dagny didn’t write about fat people in general – she wrote about seeing women dressed as *she* used to dress, walking the way that *she* used to walk. When I judged fat people as a thin person, I was judging my ‘former’ self in them. I would see a woman struggling to fit into a bus seat, holding her arms suffocatingly crossed in front of her in a desperate attempt to make herself as small as possible while thinner commuters glared at her for taking up too much space. I would feel a horrible, grim empathy for her, but also a sense of separation, both from her and from the me that used to squash and contort herself like that every day in a desperate attempt to appease people who didn’t want to be appeased out of hating her. I was grateful that wasn’t me anymore, accruing all that silent blame and getting all those nasty looks, and possibly making guest appearances in people’s blogs as the ‘sweaty fat person’ who crowded them on the bus.
Being thin was very much like having a prison sentence commuted – – I fit the world. No one questioned my right to take up as much space as I needed, and if anyone caught me out of breath at the top of a flight of stairs, there was no moral judgment.
It always amazed me, after I lost the weight, how people would talk to me about my fat self as if she had been someone else – someone neither of us would miss – whose habits, appearance, personality, everything were up for critical examination, as if they had never been (and never could be again) mine. Since I’ve regained much of what I lost, and am now not so terribly far from the top end of my weight range, I can’t help wondering what these same people are thinking.
I also miss the ease with which thin me navigated life and the world. I think she was prettier, and wish I still looked like her and could wear her clothes. On the other hand, fat me is kind of a cooler person, and doesn’t have nearly as many stupid, shallow preoccupations. Fat me gets a lot more done and doesn’t care as much what people think about her.
I’d be interested to see, someday, if I were to lose weight again, if I could manage to keep and respect fat me more successfully than I did last time.
Anyway, I think weight loss proselytizing and negative judgment of other fat people is all about putting another shovel-full on the grave of that fat girl you like to think you buried when you dropped that hundred pounds. It’s impossible to bury yourself, though, without killing yourself – and, like it or not, that fat girl is still you – even if you never gain back a pound.
I generally feel that people who have lost a signigicant amount of weight belive them selfs too be better than others. And that they have finally stepped in to a place of beauty, a place that seperates them from all of us who don’t fit in.
And they look at me with pity, 23 year’s old and fat. And assuming that if i lost some weight i would probably have a boyfriend, be a person that they would actually like to listen too and have more friends in the process.
They can’t for a minute stop and think mybe i like myself the way i am, mybe i think i look hot (because i do) mybe the reason i don’t have a boyfriend is because i have issues when it comes to the men i choose, and i actually like too piss people of with my opinions. I like being the fat girl with the strong opinion, rather than the skinny girl who’s opinions fit in. And i am waiting for the man who likes all of those aspects of me.
So my question too those who choose to lose weight is: Is it really worth it if you end up losing your understanding for other people. And become one of those who choose to judge rather than understand.
I like being the fat girl with the strong opinion, rather than the skinny girl who’s opinions fit in.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being the fat girl with strong opinions.
But there is also the possibility of being the thinner girl with strong opinions, if that’s what you decide.
For years, I didn’t face up to the fact that I wasn’t crazy about my body, and the things I told myself during that time?
“I’m not hung up on appearance like they are. I have a mind above whether I can get into a size 10, and I have better things to do than go to the gym.”
All of these were true.
But there came a point where I wasn’t physically fit enough to do things I wanted to do, and where my body didn’t feel happy with itself. At that point, I got myself to the gym.
This is not me bragging about my amazing success. I’m no athlete and I didn’t get skinny, but I did get a lot fitter and felt more comfortable for it.
I still don’t care much about the number on the scale, except as a piece of data. I don’t think I’ve lost my understanding. I certainly haven’t lost my strong opinions. And I’m certain that the majority of people who lose, even people who lose a major amount, are the same.
Some people are obnoxious once they’ve lost weight. Some people who were born skinny are obnoxious. Some people who were never skinny are obnoxious.
I think what Jane says is insightful: if you have unresolved problems before you lose weight, losing the weight will not get rid of them. If you’re a grounded person (like medii appears to be – I think she sounds really sensible) then you won’t lose that, either.
This issue hits home for me hard. About five years ago I lost a significant amount of weight. Previously, I had been the hot fat girl. The one everyone seemed to make exceptions for. I was like Latifah or Monique but with less mammy conotations. I had lovers and friends and a really (I realize now) cool life.
Then I lost the weight and it all changed. Wearing a size 8 (as a person who was never smaller than a 16 before. I’m 5’1) was like becoming a whole new person. I could be quiet, calm, bitchy, sexy, sensual, jealous, timid and none of it was every attributed to my weight (or my race to a certain extent). It was kind of scary.
When you’re fat for a long time (and also burdened with being female) you spent a lot of time proving your worth to others and yourself. When you lose the weight it’s like the volume gets turned down but you don’t know how to adjust.
Suddenly you’re like a hammy stage actor doing a quiet TV show and you’re out of place. You delight in things like wearing a single digit size and announce it to ever sales clerk.
“OMG, EXCUSE MISS OLD NAVY DRESSING ROOM LADY, THESE 10s ARE TOO BIG. BRING ME THE EIGHTS IMMEDIATELY!!!” and so forth.
It’s pretty scary to see yourself become this wretched weirdly fractured person that is sometimes devoid of the kind of humanity you probably used to have.
People treat you like you’re a goddess. Men want you. Women want you. People want to be your friends. All your jokes are much more interesting and you’re like totally convinced every fat girl who knew you when is both jealous of your success and plotting ways to slip you some Chicken McFattie pieces.
And that’s just the first week at goal.
I gained the weight back and a sense of humality about my body, my struggle and my capacity to be a really dreadful person when faced with a positive yet unfamilar situation.
I’ve lost about fifty pounds and I do NOT talk about it. I have another fifty or so to lose and I don’t plan to blog, flyer or tell my story anywhere. In fact if I’ve learned anything about my previous struggle is that top of one mountain is always the bottom of another.
I feel like in this case everyone deserves a break. the formerly fat and the presently fat.
Jane said earlier: “My advice to those who choose to diet and lose weight would be this: shut up about it.”
About a year ago, I did just that. I was going through the motions of working towards size acceptance, but wasn’t yet far/strong enough to *not* start another diet. So, I did start that diet, and promised myself I wasn’t going to talk about it. It was about me, choices of well-being for *me*, no matter what other people felt. So no weight loss and diet talk. But it’s just not that easy!
I started losing weight (like we all do when we *start* a diet, right?) but didn’t buy new clothes with every smaller size I could fit in. It wasn’t important, it wasn’t about being pretty, it wasn’t about other people’s compliments. Except: those did come. People who hardly knew me (like the door woman at my office) would comment on my weight loss. One colleague actually said: “Wow, there’s less and less of you, isn’t there.” That was supposed to be a compliment.
I even asked a friend to not talk about it anymore, because – as I told her – I had formally declared to myself my size and weight were no longer a topic of conversation. She commented on my lost weight *three* times after that, *even when I had changed the subject bluntly after the second time she did*. Sigh! It’s hard, because I know she means well.
Weight shouldn’t be a topic of conversation because it doesn’t define people as being more or less worthy. Let’s just stick to that. You know those people who hardly know you but have the audacity to ask you how much weight you’ve lost? When has one’s weight stopped being a private thing? I know, you’re supposed to be sooo proud and answer you’ve lost over […] pounds so the one who asked the question can ooh and aah your “achievement”, because it’s all about that. No more for me. I tell people it’s none of their business. They’re totally blown away when I do that.
Luckily for me, now that I’ve gained some weight back, the comments have stopped. Would I perhaps lose some weight in the future (not my intention!) and get new comments, I’d probably not only say it’s none of their business, but add that I don’t particularly like being judged by my past, present of future weight, and I’d rather talk about the weather.
So, sorry for the rambling and going off topic, but my point was: even when you *do* shut up, people will force you into a conversation about it. I guess it’s the dieting and weight and thin obsessed culture we live in.
I think it takes a lot of guts for any of us to be frank about our opinions and feelings about fat. I also think there’s a big difference between opinion and feeling. I don’t have to agree with anyone’s opinions…but as humans, I strongly believe that we owe it to each other to respect feelings. The problem is that it’s not always easy to tell one from the other. When reading blogs and reacting to them–this one included–I think we need to read deeper and consider context.
Let me tell you, I’d hate to be judged for individual posts on my blog. But if someone were to read from start to finish, I think they’d better understand why I write what I do. I think the same is true for Dagny’s posts–on both her old and new blog.
I consider myself a formerly fat person. My attitude toward fat and fat acceptance has certainly changed as I’ve changed myself. Just like I wanted to be appreciated for who I was when I was super morbidly obese, I want to be held in the same regard now that I’m “just” overweight. Sometimes, the world won’t let me. Sometimes, I won’t let myself. Being honest about that is what scares me and scares others. And I think that’s the crux of this whole conversation.
What we put ourselves through.
It’s a tricky balance. Talk about when you had WLS, and you have to be really careful about who is in the audience. Will a fat person think I’m trying to push it on them? I would have felt horrified when I was fat to have someone point it out to me and suggest surgery, so I never do it.
On the other hand, if I never mentioned it, am I ashamed of having done it? Was it cheating? Why was I keeping it a secret?
Finding that balance is tricky, especially because I doubt I will ever get rid of my inner fat girl, no matter what size I am. I feel most comfortable around fat people — I feel like I fit in, even when I don’t.
O Lisa, I definitely think there’s a difference between just talking about having had WLS and being a WLS-messiah. I’ve met a couple of the latter, and they’re no fun to be around. If someone starts talking about their surgery as “the answer to the obesity epidemic” or (maybe even worse) getting personal and saying “you know, you don’t have to be fat, all you need to do [is like I did] and have an operation” that’s totally different from just mentioning you underwent surgery. IMHO.
Sorry, brackets should have been: … all you need to do is [like I did and] have
“People treat you like you’re a goddess. Men want you. Women want you. People want to be your friends. All your jokes are much more interesting and you’re like totally convinced every fat girl who knew you when is both jealous of your success and plotting ways to slip you some Chicken McFattie pieces.”
Two and a half months after I started taking salsa classes my body REALLY started to shrink. I threw in some cross training and noticed even more of a difference. I look DAMNED good right now . I haven’t been treated “like a goddess” or noticed any increase in male attention. I have to admit that it’s a bit of a reality bitch slap in the face because when I was bigger, the promise of this was shoved down my throat by relatives, and “friends”. If I mentioned having a crush on someone, it was, “Lose 20 pounds. That will get his attention!” Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t change my lifestyle for men, or even cosmetic reasons. I did it because my extra weight was actually making me sick. The payoffs I have experienced are far more valuable (clean bill of health, more energy, more focus) than wearing smaller clothes and being checked out . I’m just saying that the promise of being the center of attention has never fulfilled itself (not for me anyway) which also tells me that when I watch those Nutrisystem ads going on and on about how “hot” after losing weight is complete BS. My journey to better health has been quite interesting. I have learned a lot about myself including the fact that I was beautiful and sexy BEFORE I lost weight.
Jane, I laughed out loud at the “chicken mcFattie pieces” part of your post. :D
Umm…
That was supposed tosay, “how ‘hot’ you’ll be”. Sorry about that.
I’ve recently lost over 20 lbs. I did this by giving up most sugar, and my motive was to stop bringing too many tempting foods home to my diabetic husband.
So why don’t I ever come to these sites telling people they should give up sugar and lose weight like I did?
Because, that’s what my body does. That doesn’t mean your body will do it. We’re not the same height, same hair color, same eye color, and if someone tried to imply we were all doppelgangers, you’d look at them like they were out of their mind! But somehow, the idea that our bodies metabolize calories the same way is passing for good science! It’s not.
And it’s worth noting that about 96% of people who lost weight will gain it back plus a bit more in 5 years. So if you’re a former fat person, and you’re not past 5 years into your new slim body – don’t get too smug, because you might end up a fat person again. And all the odds say you will, so will I for that matter, and I know it’s probably true.
A few years ago, reading Dagny’s blog would have paralyzed me with the fear of what people were thinking about me and not saying. I didn’t want to be the person who disgusted other people or made their meal unpleasant because of the sight of me. I didn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s discomfort.
I made my body visibly thinner by making sure that 90% of my food intake was vegetables and that the other 10% was lean mean/plant based protein and whole grains. I had no indulgences. I walked 3-6 hours everyday, took water aerobics three days per week, and swam for an hour and a half the other four. I had gone from a size 30 to a 22. I maintained that for a year and a half and thought that all of the positive attention I was getting was because of the difference in my size.
Then, I suffered a personal trauma and hid in my apartment for a couple of years, regaining every inch I had lost. When I finally came out again, I was shocked to find that people were still giving me all of the positive attention they did when I was size 22, even though I was a 30 again.
It took me a good long while to figure out that I was still using the body language that had become habitual when I was trying desperately to lose weight. I had good posture because it made walking easier. I looked people in the eye because I had good posture. I smiled because I was happy to be outside. People respond positively to those things no matter what size I am.
So, now, when I read Dagny’s words, instead of worrying that I am an eyesore who is making someone else’s life miserable by merely existing, I see the words of someone who still hasn’t yet learned something that is true of both men and women: size isn’t everything.
I started a blog because when I started to lose weight, I knew I would need an outlet to talk about it; to bitch and moan; to pat myself on the back when I succeeded; etc. I understood that very few people, if any, in my day-to-day life would want to hear constant talk of working out and healthy eating and, frankly, I really didn’t want to talk about it with them for many reasons: I didn’t want my overweight friends to feel alienated; I didn’t want my thin friends to comment on my previous lack of fitness; I didn’t want pep-talks; and I didn’t want anyone to make me feel bad about the size I was before or the size I was becoming.
With all the vitriol passed aggressively (or passive aggressively) between dieters and non-dieters, exercisers and non-exercisers, fatties and former fatties, I’m glad I used my blog as my primary outlet for discussion of my new habits. The blog provided the outlet for me to talk about my new habits, my new self — and sort this out in my own head — without forcing them on anyone else.
I DEFINATELY don’t see myself as better because I’ve lost weight. I see myself as lucky as hell.
I have some MAJOR metabolic issues, told by 5 doctors I’d always be fat, I fight tooth and nail to lose a few pounds here and there. I had a lapband placed 2 yrs ago and still need to lose another 50lbs to be considered a “normal” weight. My Endocronologist said “I sure hope it works”, because my metabolic issues are so severe that I’m pretty much destined to always be more on the rounder side.
Being proud of losing weight is not wrong, is normal. Wanting to share what changed your life with others is not wrong, it’s normal. Looking at other fat people and wanting them to be “free” (even if they don’t want to be), is not wrong, it’s normal.
Whenever something lifechanging happens to us, we want to the whole world to know. It’s really just that simple. I totally understood what Dagny was saying. I never try to push off my surgery on anyone. If people ask, I share, if they don’t, so be it. But I can’t help sharing how much it’s changed my life.
“Looking at other fat people and wanting them to be “free” (even if they don’t want to be), is not wrong, it’s normal.”
With liberators like you, I’d rather be enslaved.
This is a really interesting discussion to me, in light of an experience I had this weekend. The background: I’ve lost a fair amount of weight in the last couple of years (55 lbs.) and would like to lose a few more. I *don’t* like talking about it, because I’ve always had a so many of personal body image issues, that discussing diet with anyone feels a) intrusive to me, and b) not helpful to anyone else. My experience is not something I think would apply to anyone else, is what I’m saying.
The problem is, like Dutchy, that I’ve found it almost impossible to AVOID these conversations. People tell me that I’m their “inspriation,” (um, what?) ask me what program I’m on (nada), and demand to know what I weigh now (WTF?!). I also get a lot of weird new attention from male friends, who toss out comments like, “If I’d known you’d look like that,” and “I’d hit that,” etc., or who are generally more touchy-feely than they’ve ever been before. I’m thrown by this attention, to tell the truth, but I don’t feel comfortable just telling people who think they’re being nice, or interested, or whatever, to just piss off. Oy.
But here’s what really bothers me. My husband and I met up with another couple, and I heard from the woman that her husband throws me up as an example of what she should be doing. Of course this makes her feel bad, and I was just horrified. I didn’t even know how to respond other than to assure her that I thought his response was unfair, unreasonable, and just plain wrong.
So it’s all well and good to tell people to “shut up about it,” but when (and how, I’m open to suggestions) do I get to ask other people to leave ME alone already?
I don’t really know how to address this as a anti-fatists formerly fat girl myself, except to just kind of put my thoughts out there (feel free to criticize away… I’m actually interested in examining this in myself).
First of all, having gone through the process of losing weight, I have a hard time judging anyone on appearances. If I see someone my height (short) who looks to weigh 180 pounds, I have no way of knowing if a year ago she was 200, or 160. Maybe she’s in the midst of improving her eating habits, maybe she’s dealing with a health problem that caused her to lose weight, maybe she’s working out some more critical things in her life right now than her weight. The point is, I have NO WAY of knowing that… just as I have no way of knowing whether a frail looking woman is an anoretic or in the midst of chemotherapy.
Second, I have to agree with the sense of feeling adrift. No matter if you’re fat or thin, social conversations with other women often revolve around size. And suddenly, I didn’t know where I stood in these conversations… I was used to having the “healthy chubby girl” role, and now all of a sudden I was the “normal sized girl.” What credibility did I have in the eyes of a plus sized woman when discussing size? She didn’t know me when I was fat… maybe she just thinks I’m spouting trite buzz phrases. What the heck do I say to a woman my size who whines “I gained 5 pounds, I’m sooooo fat”. Instead I found myself ducking out of those conversations as fast as I could, which often left me feeling socially awkward.
I guess essentially, I avoid being critical or evangelistic because I remember what it was like to be there. And for me it wasn’t the worst thing ever to be fat, and now it’s not the best thing ever to be not fat.
Although I will say that I occasionally feel really bad for, and sometimes critical of, people who are fat at the level that affects their mobility. I believe that we all deserve the gift of bodies that feel good to live in. I don’t think you can slap a size label on “feels good to live in”, but at the same time, it’s tough for me to see people who are clearly struggling to live well within their physical bodies.
Very interesting comments here.
I’ve had very few comments about my weight loss, yet virtually every freaking day at work I get remarks about my “healthy” food, how “good” I am about passing up the cakes, pastries and other goodies constantly on offer etc etc etc. It drives me nuts! I’ve dropped three dress sizes since I’ve been in my current job yet no-one seems to make the correlation between my “healthy” eating and my smaller size. Strange…
And no, I *never* talk about diet, exercise, etc because that’s dead boring to people who don’t care.
The people I run into from when I was really big (five dresss sizes ago) just don’t recognise me. It freaked me out at first but then I became used to it. If it’s a work-related function, I’ll introduce myself and watch their jaws drop and their eyes bug out. But otherwise I don’t bother…
I also get a lot of weird new attention from male friends, who toss out comments like, “If I’d known you’d look like that,” and “I’d hit that,” etc.
Ugh. After I lost weight, a mutual friend of ours (who initially didn’t even recognise me) told me how well his business was going and said I should have married him in the first place.
Um, no thanks! As though I’d ever be attracted to someone who was so superficial!
The things I am observing aren’t as obnoxious as asking my weight/size/diet, but rather questioning my lifestyle. When I was heavier and mentioned I going to be staying in for the weekend and catching up on writing and etc, I got a few, “Oh you need to get your ass out of the house.” but more often than not people just sort of assumed that’s what I did. Now if I mention that I’ve got a deadline or I’m in the middle of the project I get, “You can’t be staying home. You got to get out. Don’t hide in your house!”
As though that’s what I was doing before! I wasn’t. I just have shit to do and writing is one of those non group activities!
I also have some strong feelings about formerly fat people who pretend not to notice how differently society treats fats vs non fats. I get a little frustrated when people are like, “Oh I was ALWAYS treated well.” I don’t if that’s really true. In my mind it goes beyond just having loving relationships and a good support system. I’m talking about systemic things like airline seats (never been an ish for me but I know for a lot of people it has been) or lack of affordable, quality clothing, medical professionals being sketch and a host of other things that sort go along with the size based discrimination. Maybe many folks didn’t notice this kind of thing, but it seems to me a lot of people are affected by it. And so when I’m talking about how people are treated, it’s not just about attraction and desire, it’s about quality of life, the ways in which various other oppressions intersect with fatness (like race or class or ability or gender presentation) and how those issues with coupled with fat can create some real challenges for the people experiencing them.
“Instead I found myself ducking out of those conversations as fast as I could, which often left me feeling socially awkward.”
How about changing the subject? I don’t talk to my friends about size and weight-loss, because we have plenty of other things to talk about: Books, art, movies, politics, religion, pets, nature, work, the funny thing that happened the other day, you name it.
It’s like a non-parent who finds herself with a childed friend who goes on and on about Precious’ latest diaper contents (especially during a meal!): You just change the subject, and if they try to go back to it, change it again. Only a bore would continue pushing a topic that only they are interested in–and if it can’t be shifted to a new topic, then I’ll definitely be too busy the next time he or she asks to hang out.
Very cool discussion!
This is the two-year anniversary of my decision to get in shape, and it’s been totally not what I expected.
I did the exercise and watching what I eat thing, and lost about 75 pounds, and am now at goal (or in a ten pound range I’ll call “goal” – I still have to get a feel for the most appropriate goal weight).
I love parts of it! I love fitting into 10s and 8s, and not feeling like its worthless to fix myself up (I used to, when I was heavier. I couldn’t help it). I like getting flirted with a bit more, which is happening. I’ve had several friends ask me what I did to lose it, and ask for specific exercise advice. I like running. I like feeling like I have a better chance of avoiding health problems.
I hate parts of it! I hate it that it didn’t fix my personal life. I hate it that I still have work problems. I hate it that I’m more lonely now than before – binging, stuffing myself and planning “tomorrow’s” diet were incredibly great distractors, and now my emotions are raw, with no distraction. I hate it that for years my (now ex) boyfriend said I was fat and unattractive, and now that I’ve lost weight someone I like keeps saying I looked better heavier, when I thought he’d be thrilled with the weight loss, and that he genuinely seems to like more voluptuous women better (but we’re not in the kind of relationship where I will change again for him.)
But health-wise and looks-wise I’m happy enough to be here I will never gain. I know the 96% or whatever statistic is out there, but screw it! I’ve made up my mind – I will be in that four percent who stick.
Thanks for opening this discussion.
I’ve spent the last 2.5 years, eating healthy and exercising, and I’ve lost nearly 50 pounds. More importantly, I have gone from a size 26/28 to a size 16/18, which means I’ve shrunken quite dramatically, though I still have another 50 pounds to lose to be considered a “normal/healthy” weight.
When I was at my highest weight of 274.5 pounds (on my 5’10” frame), some of my coworkers made fun of me, saying things like, “Aren’t your fat legs cold?” whenever I wore a skirt in the winter time. Others didn’t acknowledge me. And, of course, I felt terrible about myself, so I rarely spoke up or looked up from the ground whenever I was around others or passing them in the hallway.
As the weight came off, people noticed. Of course, the coworkers who said things about my “fat legs” watched me eat every day, commenting on how healthy I was eating and practically congratulating me when I passed up the sweets any time we had a party or anything. They knew I walked on my lunch break, so they’d ask me how far I walked or if I was going to walk that day or etc.
People began to ask me how much weight I’ve lost. One lady, who’s a bit heavy, tells me all the time how she’s jealous of me and how well I’m doing at sticking with my “regimen” and how much of an inspiration I am to her. The female coworkers who used to make fun of me tell me that I’m “looking all sexy” now. The male coworkers flirt with me and tell me how gorgeous they think I am.
I feel as though I have to uphold an image that because I’m “winning the battle” (for now), and I can’t ever, ever, ever show anyone that I still indulge from time to time, and there are times when I go a whole week (or even month) without working out. If I get a candy bar out of the vending machine, I have to hide it in my sleeve until I get back to my cubicle for fear of the main woman who used to make fun of me seeing me with the less-than-healthy indulgence, saying, “Shame on you for eating that!” I always wind up telling her, “Oh, I’ll work it off tonight,” even if that just means me sitting on my couch.
I still feel guilty when I have days of eating too much or exercising too little. I still feel self-conscious, but now it’s because I’m actually receiving the attention that I never got when I was heavier.
My brothers, when they poke my belly now, say, “At least you’re not as fat as you used to be,” saying how gross they thought I looked then. They tell me how I better not get “like that” ever again. My 17-yr-old brother said he’d make fun of me if I ever regain the weight until I lose it, though I have told him that insulting me is not motivation for me. As a former fat kid who just got tall and that’s how he got thinner, he has a lot of disgust for fat people.
I really, really try not to judge overweight people when I am out somewhere. Often, I think, “People who see me and think I’m fat now don’t realize that I used to be much heavier, and that I am actually living a healthy lifestyle now and continuing to lose weight,” and I apply this thought to the people I see. I don’t know where anyone else is in their life, and being fat is not all they are. I know I have blamed my weight on many of my downfalls, but now that I am facing things about myself instead of just blanketing all of my problems with my fat, I realize there’s so much more to me (and everyone else) besides how we look.
And as for the diet/exercise discussion, my blog is where I vent all of that at. I know my friends used to get absolutely sick of me going on and on and on about how I hate being fat and blah blah blah, so everything is vented into that blog, and when I am talking with friends, it almost never comes up, unless I haven’t seen them in a while, and they compliment me on how wonderful they think I look.
Sorry for making this comment so long. I could go on and on about this subject, and I just may in an entry of my own.
““Instead I found myself ducking out of those conversations as fast as I could, which often left me feeling socially awkward.”
How about changing the subject? ”
It was much easier to change the subject when I was fat! Now, if I’m in one of those conversations with more than one woman and I try to change the subject they just cut me straight out of the conversation and go on yacking about diets, weight loss, plastic surgery etc… When I was larger, I seemed to have some leverage, everyone understands that the conversation might make you uncomfortable and they go along with the change of topic.
I’m actually more comfortable chatting with larger fat positive friends, than women my size who’ve never had to deal with it, because my larger friends avoid the subject of body-self-hatred completely.
The whole dialogue about food and weight among women is a big stupid clusterfuck. I usually take great pains not to mention anything about my weight loss efforts or exercise to my coworkers because I don’t want to get into that whole thing (and the example given above where a friend’s husband uses someone else’s weight loss to berate his wife… that is an absolute nightmare and I hope nobody is using my weight loss for anything like that reason. It would feel almost like a violation. What possible right does he have to use another woman as a weapon to hurt his wife?).
When my running or eating habits do come up (like if I don’t eat pizza at lunch because I have a packed lunch) invariably they tell me “You’re so good, I never exercise, this [whatever they’re eating] is the last thing I need.” On the one level I hate that I am making them feel bad, and on another even more secret level I know deep down they view me as the “temporarily virtuous fat girl on a diet” and figure I won’t be able to keep up with it, and I hate that too.
When we go out it’s usually impromptu and I haven’t had time to plan for it, so my choices are either a) don’t eat, or eat something light, or b) eat a bunch of stuff I don’t want. a) is bad for them because it seems to make the others in the group feel bad and puts a damper on what they order. b) is bad for me because I’m eating a bunch of stuff I don’t actually want. It drives me nuts. God knows my eating habits are far from sane, but even I am able to watch others order a salad and then order either nothing, a salad, or a burger and fries depending on what I want. There have been times when I have ordered dessert and sat there and ate it with all the other dessert-less people at the table staring at me. And that is OK with me (though I guess I have worked hard to make it OK, because I feel it’s important for people to eat what they want and need without peer pressure coming into it). I sort of wish other people could “return the favor” and just get what they wanted without feeling bad because of my order. Or even if they don’t actually feel that bad, we still have to go through this whole “you’re so good, we’re so bad” song and dance and why can’t we just lose that whole ritual?
When I was fatter and someone told me they had started doing x or y for exercise, I would listen and tell them “that’s awesome” or “it’s so cool you can do that” and basically, that’s what I actually believed. When they droned on about diets I would get annoyed because I don’t really enjoy hearing people talk about what they eat or don’t eat. But regardless, if I made it about me in my head and started to get down on myself, I knew that was something I needed to work on and not an inherent problem with me in comparison with the other person. I hope other people know that too.
Come to think of it, “formerly fat” me (though I’m still fat anyway, and also realistic about the probability that I’ll regain) does not follow those same rules when it comes to other fat women. I project my own weight-related issues (compulsive overeating, self-hatred, etc.) onto them and assume they feel the same when it’s quite likely they don’t have any of those issues and are probably, in fact, nothing like me. I need to keep that in mind.
I guess you can’t win for losing…literally.
On the Star Jones post, everyone is mad at her for ‘not’ talking about how she lost the weight, and on this post people are telling ‘formerly fats’ to shut up.
Silly.
Then there’s the comment that all ‘formerly fats’ think they’re better than others…and they should stop ‘judging’. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
SpacedCowGirl summed it up, “The whole dialogue about food and weight among women is a big stupid clusterfuck.”
IMO, if you’re happy with who you are, it really shouldn’t BOTHER you to hear people who are happy about who they’ve become, or what is in their mind an ‘accomplishment’ – especially if that person is a friend.
Conversely, ‘formerly fats’, need to understand that THEIR road to ‘thin’ isn’t the ONLY road, and that not everyone cares about what they ate that day…
When it comes to exercise…I think that too many people have the idea that exercise is only for weight loss, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. We should all be physically active – not for the calorie burn, but for the health of it.
anon, I think that’s an oversimplification of the comments being made on both posts. There are a lot of shades of gray on all sides, and you’re not the only commenter who has lost a lot of weight and is trying to negotiate that aspect of it.
Oh, and I totally agree with you about the exercise thing.
I don’t think the dialogue about food and weight is a big stupid clusterfuck, because what doesn’t get talked about is generally what gets us. As with Lacan’s concept of the invisible phallus, I want this stuff out of the closet and into discussion…not, for choice, all the destructive I’m-so-good-I’m-so-bad stuff documented here, but the kind of dialogue that these comments embody. Cultural myths have to be made visible before they can be questioned and debunked, and I’m all for all the venues that do that in a thoughtful way, including this one.
To add my two cents…since losing the weight, I’m pretty torn. I’m glad I don’t weigh as much as I used to. If I get pregnant, though (and I’m trying), I WILL weigh as much as I used to, and I know already that I’m not going to feel good about that; shedding weight means taking on an obsessive mindset that’s more easily acquired than dismissed. And I think of the people who judge me differently now than they did then, and I want to tell them to fuck off, don’t bother me, because I am damn well the same person now that I was six years ago when they thought I wasn’t worth their respect.
So, you know: my two prayers on this issue are “don’t let me go back,” because I HATED weighing what I weighed, and “don’t let me forget” that I’m the same person no matter what I weigh…because if we continue to allow weight to be a moral issue, reducing our weight means we’ve taken on more baggage than we got rid of. And it sounds from these comments like most of us know it, thank God.
I recently replied to a post that has some synonymy with this in response to another blog. I’m going to repost the long thing, and touch on it a little. I don’t know if it will help any, but I hope it does something:
Time for the Thin Size Activist to chime in!
I, personally, as someone who has always been thin (I’m going to write an “Acceptance Story” on my blog soon), but has only just recently got more extensive in the movement, have a sort of “Intention-based” opinion on weight loss.
Society gives us the notion that weight loss is rarely ever a bad thing. The reason that I tend to disapprove of someone that loses weight only surfaces if and only if their intention is not based on a personal gain or health.
Now: I know the physiological definition of Fat Acceptance is to not believe in the correlation between weight and health. Why that may seem accurate: The whole concept of weight itself is so overly simplified in society. Why wouldn’t stating it like that be any different? That’s quite a broad oversimplification in itself too.
XXLA is right: Unhealthy living (Regardless of weight) kills before bodyweight itself, but certain conditions can be worsened because of added bodyweight. These include: Blah blah blah… I’m sure you are well aware of them.
As for the personal reason: Yes the movement is making some headway, but in a lot of ways: It is not. I think if someone chooses to do so because their job suddenly decides to fine them for being heavy and they are unable to move to a different place (I know we’re trying to stop them from being able to do this, but they’ve already started: We can’t start attacking the people that can’t do anything about what’s happening at this current moment), whether their clothes don’t fit (And for some reason they can’t afford different/more clothing/some alternative of a sort or another), whether the activity they’ve aligned themselves to is easier (No one is saying that it is impossible for a fat person to do XYZ activity, but it is accurate to say that people with certain builds can SOMETIMES do better or worse when they are aligned better to the activity they plan to do. [Example: I’m a Martial Artist. My thinness is not the issue here, but most of the arts I have taken are centered around kicking. I have long, thin, sturdy legs at 5’11”. If I didn’t have them, I could still very well do great in the arts I take, but that as an example, can sometimes be a point of adversity for people that may or may not be able to overcome the shortcomings of a certain build, shape, or form. Tae Kwon Do is my major art, and while a shorter person with shorter legs than me can still get by, they sometimes have to rely heavily on something such as greater speed or skill to get by, because with a good enough juggle of kicks, I can easily keep them away. This is similar to all activities, because they all have different builds that work for different positions, that work for different activities, that work for different people. I’m not trying to be offensive in any way: Please don’t take this the wrong way. I am supporting the concept as much as I can. :(]), et cetera.
Now: Weight is highly genetic, but the thing is: The science of builds are not concrete. A naturally thin person can gain weight (Though it is excruciatingly hard), and people that have mixed builds exist very common this day and age. That isn’t to say that someone going towards what may be a propensity to a smaller build is going to automatically become healthier if they go the other way if they have a mixed build, but we are all different. Diversity is the key here. I’ve been thin all my life, and while I would not mind if I suddenly put on 100lbs as much as I would if I had never come in contact with the movement: It’s probably accurate to say that because my genetic propensity is towards a more lean build, that one cannot estimate accurately that I may or may not do well living in a larger physique (No we aren’t taking in the societal assumption of OMGZ DUH FATTIES KEEP EATTIN 2 MUNCH!! [Took that line from one of those gosh forsaken weight bigots.. hehe.. fools… :p]). I may do ok, but not only do I not know: But you can’t know either.
I think everyone in the movement should accept a larger person that decides they want to slim down a bit (Not get thin necessarily [Which I know the movement is not entirely centered around who is healthy and who is not], but thinner than they may be). I feel the people that think they can and should voice their opinions on others that have gotten thin/thinner are ok with continuous expression, but guys please… please… for the sake of the movement: Please try to not to be immoral to those that have lost weight. It isn’t right (It’s the reverse role that society is trying to play), and it is weighing down the movement. I have no problem understanding that Fat Admiration and Feederism sometimes dwell in lost weight being a “Lost Cause,” but movements about acceptance should have a least a somewhat intention-based viewed on things they so oppose. I think it’s great that on a psychological level: We are convincing people that it is physically ok, but weight loss does not trascend acceptance of oneself in itself. The reasoning behind it would be the determination of whether or not it is a transcedance of acceptance of oneself.
I put it to you this way:
I believe in non-violence if at all possible. Let’s say I go on the street, and I end up in an alley. A man walks up to me, and prepares to attack me. Now: What am I supposed to do? Is defending myself with the tools I have [Hoping to god that I survive] a trascendance of my non-violence beliefs? Why would it be? It’s defense.
When I apprach weight bigots: In the beginning, I may at the most have a negative (Sometimes neutral, even sometimes somewhat positive [Like if I think they stated their opinion in a way that isn’t slander at the core just as one example), but still below average retort in response to what they may say. When I suddenly go from stating facts, to slandering them (Sometimes with facts to back them up [Like: “If it were true that caloric deficit would cause weight loss automatically, a surplus would cause AUTOMATIC weight gain stupid! She’s not continously gaining weight: She’s maitaining a certain weight.” :P]), is that somehow wrong from the get-go? I know I rarely can convince people, but I have shown some people the light of acceptance with an ecletic feel of how I express myself.
I think having an anti-weight loss policy for the sake of fervor and to strike against those that may not exactly accept themselves (*COUGH* people that have lost weight, and have become weight bigots) is ok, but you have many people in the movement that are convinced that it’s ok to shun someone that goes to a convention just because they are thinner/thin after being large for sometime without knowing the reasoning behind it. I just think you guys should try to analyze these situations.
I’m also an Non-Exclusive FA. I see that some bbw/ssbbws have lost weight/wish to lose weight sometimes, but I try my best to not even consider commenting negatively on it unless I know the situation for myself is not something I can condone (Which is not as common as you may think… There’s a bbw up in NY who just lost 73 lbs. [She lived healthy at 331, but after taking pills to alleviate some of the pain of PCOS, in addition to hoping to alleviate more pain on her genetically bad leg frame: She lost weight, and those were the reasons behind it.] She’s someone that I still consider after knowing just over three years that I may end up being lucky enough to get married to. I cannot hold that against her, regardless if I may see her differently or not. Doing that would make me no better than the bigots I strike against.)
I know you guys see it as ok if someone changes their lifestyle, and suddenly drops weight, but what about the people that have those mixed builds (Or push healthy living to a level that you may not be on the same plane of), that end up losing more than just a couple pounds? What about those that have a positive opinion of themselves, that for non-aeshetic reasons (Pretty much the only reason that I may even think to begin to be shifty about weight loss in itself [Mostly just in itself. People of all sizes can be without out a good body image, but they have to realize that regardless of change: Acceptance should come from within.] decide they want to/actually do change? Why would you guys automatically oppose them, without knowing their basis for such thinking and (or) action? Is there never exceptions to such a rule?
And honestly: I really need to know how weight loss in itself champions fat acceptance, when a lot of people in the movement are perfectly content with weight gain. Skip the fact that we are talking about a certain body type here: Some of these people think they can get more value on a sexual level, psychological level, or movement level because people influence them in that it’s ok to gain, but it’s not ok to lose. (That is not movement-dependent: I’ve seen it from Size Acceptance to Feederism…) How unfair is that?
And guys: I haven’t been to a convention yet, but I really hope that my thin, toned physique is not going to get in the way of my strong message that I think everyone, regardless of size should be accepted.
I know you guys have such a strong belief in promoting certain messages, to get more people to not only realize that one can be fat and healthy (And that it’s wrong to slander someone because of what you MAY percieve as being unhealthy [Especially when it’s almost entirely based off of aesthetic instead of health but they are hiding it in most cases! :P], and for them to know that loving your body in whatever size it may be is never a bad thing (And that it does not advocate unhealthy living), but the anti-weight loss from the get-go concept, in my opinion, is starting to break a lot of us apart. Many people are scared of what you may think of them because what they may have done to themselves, and that should never be an issue whether you don’t like what they do or not: If you are asking for others to respect you as part of your activism, why aren’t we respecting these people in regards to this?
Sorry guys. It’s late, but I really wanted to get this off of my chest. I don’t want to be so confined because of my beliefs that I can’t go to a convention, or I can’t join an organzation because my beliefs supposedly automatically counter other beliefs in themselves.
I will come back to this blog, and if things get heated with me involved: Please send messages to my blog, my myspace, my youtube page, or any other medium you can contact at before you and I start spiraling across this beautiful, sweet, young woman’s area of the web.
“Find your message, and let it thrive.
Accept others that do not do harm to another, and never let it die.”
People on both sides have the right to an opinion, but generalizations on both sides need to stop.
Former fat people: Don’t make the assumption that because you had xyz traits/reasons/lifestyles/et cetera that made you the way you once were, that every other fat person you are around is in the same boat. Being fat is not automatically indicative of living unhealthy, and the only thing you can actually guestimate with some accuracy is that maybe at one time the person may have lived unhealthy, but the body doesn’t always adjust because a person begins to change their lifestyle (Which is probably the best way of delibrately/indirectly losing weight). Changing your lifestyle is about getting more in tune with yourself, and while the body may externally change in some way because one has changed living: That isn’t always true. Hell: You can lose weight if you eat the right amount of junk food, but would that make one healthier?
To fat people that accept themselves, and may or may not be living unhealthy (And may or may not be seeing external body change): Both you and the former fat people have the right to comment on the whole thing, but you must be respectful to them regardless if you dissapprove of their choice are not. Especially when you don’t know their intention centered around weight loss. The concept that determines if weight loss counters fat acceptance is whether or not a person is valuing themselves by that parameter: Not that they wish to do it. It is right that everyone should accept themselves regardless if they want to change (Lest they see poor reprecussions… like former fat people that turn into bigots like the leader of the NAPBR), but just as there’s a millon reasons why some people are bigger/smaller than others, there’s a millon other reasons why someone may so choose to aspire to be bigger/smaller.
And no I’m not trying to sound as if I am somewhere in the balance where I am perfect. I have issues I have to work out too (Mainly on my perception of others: That is the reason I am in the movement). Everyone needs to grow on this issue, because either psychological extreme (Whether it’s one completely valuing their entire persona on weight loss, or on the dogma that is anti-weight loss in the fat acceptance movement) can be ok to some, but it always has the potential to breed madness of some sort.
I really wish that people would just shut up about how much weight they’ve lost or how sorry they feel for fat people (or skinny people for that matter). Stop feeling sorry for everyone else and fix your own shit before trying to fix someone else’s. That’s what bothers me the most when people talk about weight loss. It’s like a religious experience for them and they want to share with everyone in their vicinity. I’m sorry, but hearing how you can get into a size 8 does not make me want to go out and exercise. It does not make me want to stop eating sugars or red meat. If anything I’m going to rebel against that mind-set because that’s just how I am. If the diet pill commericals and diet blogs just stopped sprouting bs I think I could go about my business and get my body to a place that only “I” enjoy (not some man, not some woman, not society but me).
This had a point. It really did.
I should clarify that I didn’t mean it was a big CF in the sense that we “shouldn’t” talk about these issues, or that I was dismissing the issue as insignificant. And by no means was I saying we all need to “get over it” or anything like that. I just meant that we as women seem generally to be mired in some unproductive patterns of interaction that frustrate me when I am involved in those conversations.
Well I gotta tell ya. Between the upheaval I’ve gone through since turning into a person even I don’t recognize and reading the emails and comments that have been sent to me and written about me through my own blog and others over the past two years, I feel like my life has an extremely high weirdness quotient. I am the target of quite a bit of amateur psychoanalysis.
I do not actually go around talking about my WLS. I use my blog as my one place to vent and process everything I’ve been through and think about and had to face. I’ve been willing to admit the unpleasant and downright disturbing stuff I didn’t know I would encounter on this WLS journey. Also, my blog is meant to speak to other WLSers and I’ve gotten a lot of mail from people who tell me they’re relieved to learn they are not alone in some of the distressing experiences I’ve written about.
I do not feel I am judgmental. I find myself in new and strange positions of social status THAT ARE DEFINED BY OUR CULTURE, NOT ME. I have used my blog to process these experiences and admit when I have found them distressing or confusing. The positive exchanges that have resulted far outnumber the nasty anonymous emails and comments. And DANG do I get a TON OF THAT SHIT!!!
There is one discussion point I would like to toss out. People around here talk about self hatred an awful lot. I think there’s a big difference between hating the state of being fat and hating yourself. Maybe it’s about whether you blame yourself for making yourself fat, being treated like you’re defective and flawed if you’re fat, taking on the identity of “the fat girl” I don’t know! I NEVER have hated myself. I hated being fat. I suffered under the label of The Fat Girl and all the baggage and assumptions that were heaped on to me because of it. I spent my whole life trying to reject it and as a result I lived with a kind of disconnected sense of myself and who I was.
Maybe the most significant aspects of my WLS journey has been about finally learning how to integrate my physical and psychological identities and to feel that my mind controls my body, free of so many limitations I’d struggled with since I was quite young.
Where’s my question in this? “Self hatred” has been used here so many times—and applied to me. How is it really defined? To what degree do we consider our physical presence as defining our identities and our own internalized sense of self?
Wow I didn’t mean for that to get so long. I just get to ramblin’….
hi I have a totally different situation then yours I guess. I am fat… I used to be fat and then lost weight then gained it back.
funny thing is I am more comfortable with my weight then others. I figured out. I see my self as valuable and the same person. I also think that if others don’t like it thats there problem, and that I am still beautiful,
the worst thing is I still have self confidence
I think that confuses people.
I know you can tell that I have self confidence
and I get the feeling that others think I should feel awful about myself.
In a way I like being fat
because I do not get bugged like I used to by guys I do not like to be looked up and down.
just want to be left alone… with the people that really matter, and its funny when you are fat you realize who the genuine people are.
so its really funny
I love that people do not bug me
and I am very pretty
beautiful face features and if I was skinny guys would always be staring now they dont and I like that
thats the good part. I do not like the part about being unhealthy.
and not living as long as I should. But anyway thats how it goes for me
and I have allot more energy then allot of skinny people and I do not eat that much.
but anyway I like junk
thanks for the voice