I went hunting for videos of some of my favorite performances: “If I Had You,” “Sleepwalker,” and his slowed-down version of “Whole Lotta Love.” And I found this video! And it is great! And I will post it, because I love Adam Lambert! In case you hadn’t noticed! And then I will get to the point.

I decided to post the link to this video on my Facebook page, and once I did so, I saw the second part of the description of the video, which Facebook puts in automatically:

Taken by my sister at the San Francisco Glam Nation show at the Warfield.

Woman with the fat hands in front of the camera’s view, I want to smack you hard. Move them to the ground!

What a tiny little thing, the word “fat” in that sentence, the violent little message. But it stopped me short for a moment. After all, I was at that concert, right up front, probably waving my “fat hands” in the air from time to time, dancing and jumping around and enjoying the show. So I took it personally. At least for a moment.

I feel like there’s lots of little moments like this. Little things that are in and of themselves practically meaningless, certainly not worth getting upset over, and yet they accumulate. And over time, they add up to that sense of unworthiness and self-consciousness that we’re all dealing with and fighting against, simply because we aren’t skinny. Because we have “fat hands” or whatever and people—for some reason—hate us for it.

However, we also have the ability to think critically about stuff like this. We have this community and others like it. And I think that’s worth more than I often consciously acknowledge in terms of looking at a little comment and thinking, “well, that’s not right” instead of automatically internalizing it.

So tell me: have you seen any fat hate like this—any little throwaway moments—in the world around you lately? How did you handle them?

And can anyone get me Adam Lambert’s email address?

Drying off water with a towel when you have baby oil on is SUPER easy, all you have to do is pat dry really. But after that, DRY OFF… lay in front of a fan for about five-ten minutes, and let the air get to all your parts. Eagle-spread, bottom in the air, on each side stretched so the fan hits any creases there and your armpits, on your back with your boobs pulled up… kinda like a rotisserre chicken, only moving slower and pausing.

Commenters discuss what works and what doesn’t work for them, then one commenter adds:

And yes, this IS the first time I have entered into a discussion with anyone about big-girl-grooming. Maybe its something one should cover more often, but I don’t know that many other women.

When I read that, I realized that every woman has her own hygiene routine, and it’s true—we don’t really talk about them. The only other woman’s routine I know is my sister’s. She is thin (FWIW), and her routine involves a lot of shaving, a lot of lotion, and some OCD elements. I personally am a big believer in post-shower baby powder (the kind with cornstarch) and my new favorite discovery, scrubby bath gloves. I also use a lot of towels, since I find damp towels creepy. So there you go: I have my own OCD elements.

Anyway, then The Rotund talked about her routine and some of the larger implications:

In any event, I don’t think fat hygiene is all that different from the hygiene practiced by thin people. What I DO think is that many, many, several fat people are so disconnected from their bodies that taking care of them in that kind of way is not a priority – or they activelly don’t believe they are worth the time and effort or they are so disgusted with their own bodies they actively avoid being naked with themselves…

However, it’s an important topic – one of the coded things that people mean when they say fat is “smelly.” And when people have folds of skin, it can increase the chances of your body smelling different from someone else’s body… This sort of thing is super individual. If you sweat more than I do, you might feel a lot more attached to your deodorant, for example. That’s cool. There is not one right way to do any of this. Also: the value of a person is not dependent on their aroma. Even if you do wind up stinky, you are still a valuable and worthwhile person, okay?

It makes for an interesting and worthwhile discussion, with plenty of frank talk about specific issues fat people tend to have in taking care of their bodies. It can make you feel targeted merely to admit that, yeah, you have more flesh than someone else might have, and therefore need a different care routine. But if living with other women has taught me anything, it’s that we’re all pretty individual and “weird” about our own personal routines. (Suddenly I’m flashing back to Charlotte from Sex and the City, examining her pores for an hour per night in a magnifying mirror.) So what are your thoughts on hygiene? And what’s your routine?

First, Becky is mocked in front of her children by a group of men. I think this has happened to all fat women at one time or another:

I just had the most horrible experience. I am 39 and very overweight. I took my children 15 and 11 out for a lovely night out on the town. As i was walking with them 4 gentleman (not) starting laughing and made crude comments out loud so my children and i could hear with regard to my weight. I am so humiliated not just for me but for my children. WHY do these ugly people think its ok to make fun of overweight people like we have no feelings. I know i am fat. My kids know i am fat. Why is it so funny and what do they get out of humilating me and my children?

Anita shares from the unique perspective of a swinger:

Somewhat on the topic of internet dating, my husband and I are swingers. We participate in some internet swinger sites. This is a lifestyle that is based on sexual attraction. We are both fairly large folks. We make that clear upfront, and in our photos. Some people are attracted, some are not. You develop a fairly thick skin as a swinger – you’re going to be turned down as often as not, regardless of your size.

One thing you learn in that lifestyle is that you have no idea why someone turns you down. No doubt sometimes it’s size, but it can just as easily be any number of other factors. Could be your height, your age, your hair color (or lack of hair), or the fact that you remind them of their Aunt Martha. There are a few fairly common rules of swinger etiquette, including: If you’re turning someone down, a simple “No thanks, we aren’t interested” is the way to do it – no need to say why; and if you are the one being turned down, you don’t ask why – it really doesn’t matter.

My point being, it’s easy to blame rudeness on your size – and sometimes, that IS why people are rude. But not every time, and in the big picture, why they are rude or treat you badly doesn’t really matter. You can’t change how people feel about you, but you can control how you react to them.

Confidence is important, as you live your life – but if someone is determined to be an asshole to you, confidence isn’t going to change that.

Sarah finds that women are meaner about her skinny body than men are:

I’ve always been a skinny girl, im really tall really skinny long skinny arms and chicken legs, i eat normally and all im just plain skinny and not ‘good’ skinny. i have found that im mostly ignored by men, i have had a few negative comments from men and i think i could count them on one hand i remember at a bar waiting to buy a drink an older man turned to me and pretty much yelled in my face “why dontt you f’n eat something your digusting guys dont find that attractive” before walking off, i was pretty shocked, another time was my brother in law telling me i should eat a burger, but normally guys go for the curvier girls but arnt mean about it, most of the negative attention i get is from women. I feel very uncomfortable in a room full of women, i dont like going out, i even stress before work about what other women are going to say about my weight. I think im a nice person im pretty shy and uncomfortable about the way i look around others but i get seriously mean comments from women very often. women are very cruel to each other. friends have told me before that when they first met me they assumed i was a bitch because im skinny.. weird. im tired so this comments probably crappy and incoherent but yes we women can be a mean bunch.

Leslie used to be thin, and notices the difference now that she isn’t:

My size was never a big deal to me, until I realized how big of deal it was to everyone else. This was the most important thing – my weight.

I have come to notice a stark difference in men. First, men that I am not even interested in assume that I am desperate and want to date them so they feel like they must make it clear to me they are not interested. Even married men do this. One married guy told me that he did not cheat, but would consider it if I lost 50 lbs.

Another single guy who I think is a real loser in life, looked me up and down and told me he divorced his wife because she got fat.

Yet another man told me that being fat wasn’t my problem, it was merely the first indication to a man that I did not want to be “pleasing.” Yes, he told me that if I wanted to be “pleasing to a man,” I would lose the weight. This would indicate that I was agreeable and compliant. He even admitted he would date a thin crack whore over a fat woman who was perfect in every other way.

Fat men have rejected me in the dating world for being fat. Recently, I was fixed up with a much older man, who was also fat. We had a great time, we laughed, had an interesting conversation, we seemed to have a lot in common, but he doesn’t want a fat chick for a girlfriend. Apparently, I have all the other qualities he’s looking for in the dating world. The friend who fixed me up did so because she thought he’s such a great guy and not shallow at all.

None of my good qualities really matter (I’ve been told this by men), because they don’t really care about what I do for living, whether I’m successful or smart as hell. For the most part, men want someone to fuck and someone who is going to enhance their image.

I am sure there are exceptions to the rule, but this has been my experience with men over 40. It doesn’t matter how confident I am, how well I am dressed, where I am or how I present myself, I am defined by my weight, and my value is greatly diminished by it. It isn’t even being invisible, it’s outright hostility.

There’s more from Leslie here, also well worth reading.

Alexa is judged mostly by her mother:

I’m petite, and since my teens I weighed 125 pounds, which is not actually overweight; but I wasn’t fit or curvy, so I didn’t carry it very well. My mother, who as long as I can remember has been quite overweight, never outright called me fat, but made it a point to ‘let me know’ what a shame it was that I was too heavy and thus not pretty/attractive enough any time my appearance was mentioned.

After a decade of this, I lost 15 pounds due to a pretty debilitating back problem that required surgery to treat, and in the year and a half since then every time I see her I’ve been hearing nothing but non-stop comments about how incredibly thin I am now and how wonderful it is. All of a sudden she has nothing but praise for me and thinks I’m the perfect daughter.

At first I was bothered, but after awhile I became outright disturbed every time she mentioned my weight. It’s like I never had any other value to her except for my perceived physical attractiveness according to her standards of beauty, and my finally being ‘thin’ now is so significant that it’s the only thing worth noting about me. This continues even after I’ve explained to her that, no, I didn’t go on any magical diet; I spent weeks being in excruciating pain every time I moved and therefore not being able to get up from the floor to eat enough to keep my body weight.

This week I saw her again, and she finally just said straight out that I used to be fat; clearly meaning that that’s a terrible thing to be, and what a relief it must be for me not to look so awful anymore. Yes mom, thanks so much for making it absolutely clear what you’ve really thought about me all these years.

Even besides the issue of how skewed someone’s perception has to be to consider that weight fat, there are no words to describe how offensive I think it is to say that a woman weighing 125 pounds = ugly = awful.

There are a lot more of thought-provoking posts in the comments. Thanks to everyone for continuing to share your experiences!

So, a long while back – I am hoping it was one year, but fear it may be two! – you had a bit of a series on BFD about fat women in art – Venus of Willendorf and others. And since then, I’ve wanted to send you this statue, in the FDR Post Office in Manhattan, at 53rd and 3rd. She’s placed next to the escalator, so it’s hard to get a good picture of her – and this one is from my cell. She’s called “The Big Woman”, and is made of rough pieces patted together into the shape you see.

I love her. She is the big woman, and she’s one of the only female bodies I’ve ever seen that I feel some connection with – the shape reminds me of my own, in terms of certain contours. I don’t know what the artist thought or felt about calling her the “Big Woman”, but it makes me feel she is proud and fierce, and every time I go to the Post Office, she makes me happy. So, I, er, just wanted t o share.

Thanks for the investigative journalism, Mary! Has anyone else seen any good fat art lately?

Huge is an upcoming ABC Family network television series based on [the] young-adult novel of the same name by Sasha Paley. The hour-long drama series revolves around seven teens sent to a summer weight-loss camp called Wellness Canyon. Savannah Dooley and Winnie Holzman (creator of My So-Called Life and scriptwriter for Wicked) wrote the pilot. The series has been described as Glee meets Ugly Betty.

Well, I haven’t read the young adult novel (anyone?) but my first thought is that’s quite a pedigree. The descriptions of the characters on Wikipedia are interesting too: there’s apparently a clique of “thinner” girls, indicating a pecking order based on weight. I’m hoping the emphasis will be on those interpersonal relationships rather than any kind of “transformations” ala The Biggest Loser. But I guess we’ll see on June 28, when the series premieres.

But has Huge been using Photoshop to make Nikki Blonsky look huger? That’s the question asked in an email from Eve C.:

While reading the July issue of O Magazine, I came across a print ad for the show. There is a picture of Ms Blonsky in a swimsuit, and damned if it doesn’t look as though the pic has been photo shopped in order to make Ms Blonsky look larger than she actually is. It’s bad enough that women are photo-shopped to be thinner, but I’d like to know the reasoning behind making the star of the show look bigger.

I’m unable to forward the pic to you in the email, but the ad is on page 39 of “O”, and I’m sure other magazines are running it.

I found the picture that Eve is writing about, and it appears at the top of the post. But here for comparison’s sake is a photo taken of Blonsky at the Young Hollywood Awards last month, next to the swimsuit photo. To me, honestly, they look pretty plausibly the same basic shape. What do you think? And are you planning to watch the show?

For Fatosphere stuff, I read the Notes from the Fatosphere feed, as well as the Alltop Fatosphere listing, and of course Fatshionista and The Curvy Fashionista.

For discussions on feminism, I hit Jezebel and Tiger Beatdown. For race, I check out Racialicious. (The closest I get to a blog about gayness is just the apolitical Tom and Lorenzo, so I would love any recs you may have.)

I get my TV chatter from the recently relocated Alan Sepinwall, celebrity gossip from Crazy Days and Nights (best experienced in Google Reader), and I’m passionately devoted to Go Fug Yourself (celebrity fashion) and Monkey See (general pop culture stuff).

I also follow a bunch of great lists on Twitter, most of which I found because @bigfatdeal is on them.

That’s a lot, but it’s not enough! What fat-themed and feminist blogs are your favorites? (Feel free to mention your own, too.) Or is BFD the only one you read? And what are the blogs, on any subject, that you couldn’t live without?

A popular (white) misconception is that fat is more acceptable in the black community. This is patently untrue. Hip-hop culture is often pointed to when one is making this argument. If you watch any hip-hop music videos at all, it’s clear to see that the fat on the women featured is in specific places. Booty, hips, tits. As the inimitable Sir Mix-A-Lot stated, “When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing [booty] in your face, you get sprung.” (emphasis supplied) There is definitely a line between acceptable fat and unacceptable fat. Those fat women who are fortunate enough to be considered “thick” are subject to an even more extreme hypersexualization of their bodies than average sized or thin black women are. As the features considered sexually desirable not only by black men but also white men are exaggerated on a fat female body, these women are often portrayed as more sexually available, yet can also be portrayed as ghetto princess or hoochie — “Jezebel” and “Sapphire”. But cross that line dividing “thick fat” and “just fat” and you quickly enter the territory of the desexualized fat black woman: the Precious, the mammy. Let’s take the recent example of Gabourey Sidibe, who portrayed Precious, and who basically served as a dumping ground for all the issues people have with fat, specifically, black female fat. This is the type of fat black woman continually mocked by black men in drag. Namely, characters like Eddie Murphy’s Rasputia in Norbit, Tyler Perry’s Madea in any number of his movies, Martin Lawrence’s Shanaynay and Big Mama, and Jamie Foxx’s Wanda on In Living Color. These characters are either considered too old to be sexual and are subject to the mammy stereotype, or their sexuality is portrayed as a joke, something disgusting to be avoided. Clearly the black community is not the utopia of body acceptance white America often believes it to be.

I think it was a post by Snarky’s Machine that first got me to think about this issue (I can’t remember when, though; maybe she’ll drop by with a link) and realize that I’d had this misconception, and probably verbalized it back in the early days of this blog. But I think it’s good to be able to stand up and say, you know what? I was wrong. And I’m glad there are great blogs out there like Racialicious that make me stop and think and, as they say, check my privilege.

Thoughts?

So, I have been trying to help my similarly-weighty fiance to find clothes and I found it even more difficult to find interesting, fashion-forward clothing options for him than I’ve ever experienced shopping for myself. I mean, there’s absolutely nothing… at least, nothing I could find with extensive searching outside of the realm of big-n-tall plain t-shirts and polos.

I thought this would be an interesting topic to discuss. When it comes to plus sized women, there are a number of outlets for our fashionista needs to be fulfilled (albeit only 4x and below and most of this shopping must be done online) but what about our male counterparts? Does anyone on the site know of any suggestions for fashionable and unique clothing options for a plus sized male in his twenties?

This is a great question, and on behalf of BFDudes everywhere, I look forward to the answers!

(Because she’s sexy she gets to be “pleasantly plump” instead of just “fat.” Got it, New York Post.)

Lane Bryant thinks the net’s executives are a bunch of prejudiced boobs. “The cleavage of the plus-size models, they said, was excessive, and we don’t think that’s the case,” said the source. “It certainly appears to be discrimination against full-sized women.”

Fox also initially refused to air the ad, but then when Lane Bryant argued it was effectively the same as the Victoria’s Secret ad they’d already approved, Fox changed their minds. The ad is reportedly going to air during American Idol this week.

My first thought is that it’s a rarity that a full-figured person is shown as being too sexy for television. But what do you think: is it discrimination? Take a look at both ads and decide for yourself, after the jump.

The Victoria’s Secret ad:

The Lane Bryant ad:

So what do you think?

I’ve decided my theme for Year 35 is going to be carpe diem, and to that end, I’m going to try and cross 35 items off my lifelong to-do list. Carpe diem, man, it’s a classic. I mean come on, I don’t have that poetry degree for nothing!

blooms
Originally uploaded by mo pie

Since then, time has marched on, and I’ve turned 35, and the world has not ended. But I did make that carpe diem list, and I’m already working on crossing things off of it! Some themes have emerged, which I will list after the jump, for the curious…

Appreciating my parents more. My grandparents are all deceased, and I really regret not sitting my grandmother down and asking her to talk about her life, because so much of what she went through is hazy in my memory. (Some of it involved outwitting Nazis, and there was the time she ran off to Paris when she was 13. Her life was not uninteresting.) And I feel like I’m letting the years slip by with my own parents as well. Things I included on the list: write down my parents’ life stories, write down my grandmother’s story (based on my mom’s memories) and spend some quality time with my parents.

Travel. I’m going to be in Europe for part of the summer for my older sister’s wedding, and I want to take the opportunity to visit Ireland and the UK, where I’ve always wanted to go. (Plane tickets are insanely expensive, though, oh my god.) I also have whale watching on the list, and I included “visit a brand-new city” as kind of a gimme, as we already have a trip to Seattle planned and, weirdly, I have never been there. Also I want to improve my Dutch skills before we go back to the Netherlands, so my 13-year-old nephew can stop laughing (quite so hard) at my terrible Dutch!

Creative stuff. I’ve already signed up for a photography class, and I also am going to finish my YA novel this year. The first draft is essentially done; my first reader has read it and offered me feedback, there are more plans in the works, and if all goes well it should be done by the end of the summer!

Body and wellness stuff. I took a dance class last year and would really love to take another one. Plus, I want to start bike riding again, so I can do a long bike ride (50 or 100 miles) in Napa. That’s something I’ve been wanting to do for literally years, so why not now? Also, I’d like to do a healthy detox, so if anyone has any ideas, let me know. I don’t want to do that thing where I don’t eat for a week and then drink cayenne pepper and maple syrup or whatever that is, but I would love to cut out sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc. for a period of time… something like that. That’s a thing, right? Thoughts are welcomed!

Organizational and house stuff. There are some specific pieces of furniture I need. (Again, looking to get these cheaply, so it requires some creative searching.) I want to continue my habit of keeping fresh flowers in the house. We also may move to a different part of the state next year. Lots of possibilities on the agenda there.

Etc. Amidst some other random items is HAVE A BFD MEETUP. Can you believe we never really have? So ridiculous. Especially for those of us who live in the Bay Area.

So that’s a little peek at my list. Now I’m itching to know: what’s on yours?