Well. I’m not entirely sure how to start this, so I suppose I’ll begin at (what’s more or less) the beginning.

A couple of days ago, I was . . . down. Not for any particular reason; nothing especially momentous or even noteworthy had happened, I hadn’t been the victim of any fat-based insults or disgusted/pitying/mocking looks. When it comes right down to it, I just felt fat. That’s all. I felt fat and ugly and basically worthless. While I’d love to say that this is something unusual, it’s really not.

I’ve been heavy my entire life. Yes, heavy. No, not fat. Because looking back now, with a sense of perspective that you can really only achieve years after the fact, I wasn’t fat. Actually, I was pretty damn cute. I never felt that way, despite the fact that my family (and family friends) continually told me that I was. I knew the truth, though–when I went to school I got teased for being fat, and I didn’t look like the other girls there or the girls and women on TV, and surely society as a whole wouldn’t be constantly telling me I was fat if it wasn’t actually true, right? And the people who loved me, the very ones who told me that I was cute, wouldn’t all echo that sentiment if it wasn’t true. Would they? Of course not. They loved me, they were concerned, and I was Fat. I had no reason to doubt all those well-intentioned voices.

As it turns out (as I’m sure you know), living your entire life Fat doesn’t mean that it gets easier to deal with. I keep capitalizing the word because that’s always how it sounded when I heard it. I was Big, Overweight, Fat. (I have the most insane urge right now to start calling myself a Person of Weight. Apparently emotional vulnerability brings out my snark? Not terribly surprising, I guess.) The gist of all this being: most times I’m more or less fine, but sometimes twenty-seven years of insecurities and self-esteem issues all seem to hit me at once, and things are bad for a while. It’s nothing new, but it sucks just as much every time.

So, yes. I was having one of those days, and for reasons now lost to me in the whirl of whatever the hell was going on in my head at the time, I decided for the first time that I would look online to see if there was somewhere out there where people understood. People who had lived with being Fat, and who knew all the millions of tiny ways that you were constantly reminded of it and the damage–mental, emotional, even physical–that it could cause. Surely, I thought, there had to be something out there. The internet is so huge! So many tubes! Some of them must be big enough for us.

My initial results were less than encouraging. It seemed like every blog I found about Being Fat was, well, not. They were about Not Being Fat, about struggles to lose weight and look good and let me tell you it wasn’t helping my mood any. I’ve dieted and exercised and lost weight, but I can never seem to keep it off. I always “backslide” at some point into poor eating habits and inactivity, always pack what I’ve shed right back on again. So no, I’m sorry Random Internet Ladies, I’m sure you’re lovely but I didn’t want to read about your struggles against your own weight. What I wanted was someone talking about still being Fat, and how they dealt with that. I wanted someone to tell me that maybe, just maybe, it was still okay. I was beginning to think I’d never find it, though, when suddenly I followed a link and found your blog and . . . oh.

Oh.

It was like a light being turned on. Here were these women–clearly intelligent, definitely funny, quite attractive women–who were telling me things I’d always secretly hoped but never really believed. That not only was it possible to be bigger than the “ideal” we’re fed and still be healthy, you can be healthy when you’re bigger than “average”, as well. That I didn’t have to be ashamed just because of my weight. That I was deserving and worthy and beautiful, and anyone who tried to tell me otherwise could fuck right off. I read posts about self-confidence, about the media’s acceptance of “fatism”, about fashion, about women I had always thought were beautiful “even though” they weren’t as thin as society apparently thinks we all should be. (Crystal Renn. Seriously. There are just no words.) There were posts about being conflicted, torn between irritation/outrage at the continued exploitation of Fatness for the sake of a punchline, and wondering if that was just taking things too seriously. There were some posts that I could’ve written, and some that I could’ve written if I were smarter and better informed. Insight and humor and acceptance from people who didn’t think I was less worthy just because of how I look.

I’ve been reading back through the entries pretty much nonstop for the past two days (excepting tedious breaks for things like “work” and “sleep”). I’m at the beginning of 2009 now, and I plan to keep going. Because you took a girl who really believed that she was less because she was more, and made her think . . . maybe that’s not true. Maybe I don’t have to wait to be thin to feel pretty. Maybe I don’t have to look in the mirror before going out and think, “Good enough.” Maybe I am already beautiful, already sexy. And wouldn’t that be something?

I won’t pretend that everything is fixed now. It will still be hard; I know it will. I’ll still have moments, or hours, or days when other people’s disapproval will outweigh (pun not intended, but not really regretted, either) my own hard-won self-acceptance. But tonight I put on some pretty clothes and some girly shoes and some sexy red lipstick; I went out with my friends, and looked at art, and had fun. I ate and drank without stressing over what other people were thinking when they saw me. I felt good, and confident, and yes, pretty. Desirable.

Tonight I wasn’t Fat; I was fat. And that was okay.

So . . . thanks.

Sincerely yours,
Mel

She also reposted this letter at her Livejournal, where a terrific conversation is also going on. Thanks so much for sharing this, Mel.

Thanks to Make My Blog Pretty for being awesome and doing a great job with all these little details. And please play around with these new features and let me know if anything looks off or weird or whatnot. There is now an “email us” link in the sidebar, or Twitter me up.

Secondly, this really has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share this video of Inefficient Drinking Cat.

For me, the winning shot is at 1:43. Although 2:02 is pretty awesome too.

Thanks for the link, aych!

First off, from Becky on Twitter comes this story about Penelope Cruz, who says you don’t have to be thin to be pretty.

“I would close down all those teenage magazines that encourage young girls to diet. Who says that to be pretty you have to be thin? Some people look better thin and some don’t. There is almost a standard being created where only thin is acceptable. The influence of those magazines on girls as young as 13 is horrific.”

I could argue (at length) about the comment that “Some people look better thin and some don’t,” because I think that’s problematic. Also the word “almost” in that bolded sentence. But the fact that she’s pissed off about this and speaking out is pretty awesome.

Via CDAN comes this letter from Sophia Bush about those ridiculous “Eat Less” shirts from Urban Outfitters.

I am fortunate enough to star on a wonderful TV show called One Tree Hill. I play a fashion designer named Brooke Davis, who started a campaign on the show called “Zero Is Not A Size” and the outpouring of love and gratitude that came my way from girls and women ALL OVER THE WORLD who have body image issues brought me to tears.

To promote starvation? To promote anorexia, which leads to heart disease, bone density loss, and a slew of other health problems, not least of all psychological issues that NEVER go away? Shame on you. I will no longer be shopping at your stores. And I will encourage the tens of thousands of female supporters I have to do the same. I have fought to boycott BP. I never imagined I would also be boycotting affordable fashion.

You should issue a public apology, and make a hefty donation to a women’s organization that supports those stricken with eating disorders. I am sickened that anyone, on any board, in your gigantic company would have voted ‘yes’ on such a thing, let alone enough of you to manufacture an item with such a hurtful message.

I’m hoping (and assuming) “Zero Is Not A Size” is not against very slim women, but instead against the idea that the size for these women has that name. But I don’t watch One Tree Hill so one of you might have to fill me in. Anyway, it sounds like Sophia Bush is very engaged with the world, and trying to use her celebrity to effect some positive change. That’s awesome.

And finally, Hayley Hasselhoff talks about the awesomeness that is Huge, and how she embraces her curves.

I related to Amber [her character] a lot when I was younger growing up, but I think I’m finally at a point in life where I’m comfortable with who I am… I’m so glad there’s a show that teenagers can look up to young girls and realize it’s okay to be voluptuous.

Three celebrities speaking out and telling teens it’s okay to be who you are? Feels like a Feel Good Friday to me.

We recently talked about some fat art spotted in the wild, and I was reminded of that post when I was in Antwerp visiting the Rubenshuis.

The Rubenshuis (Rubens House) is a fabulous little museum, a home and studio designed by Rubens in the 17th century in which he lived and worked. The building itself is spectacular, and it’s also chock full of amazing art by Rubens and others. A definite “don’t miss” if you’re ever in Antwerp. And on the back facade is this statue of Venus looking—well—Rubenesque.

When I got home from the trip, I had an email waiting for me from Mary about this sculpture, a tactile, interactive piece meant to feel like rolls of fat. And it’s also called Venus. The artist, Nick Turvey, says:

“This [is a] recently completed sculpture, currently on exhibition outside the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge. It’s carved from a block of upholstery foam, and coated in a rubber skin, so when you grab hold of those rolls of fat you find they are actually soft. Some people are disgusted, others love it, but it’s certainly provoking reactions. It’s one of a series I’m making about the materiality of the human body.”

I love that both of these pieces, created centuries apart, have the same name—the name of the goddess of love and beauty. And I also love that they both deal with voluptuousness as a theme. And I also love the challenging and provocative nature of Nick’s piece. Yay art!

I just had to share this Kermit Ruffins video with y’all. When was the last time you saw a pure-D big girl dancing in the background of a music video? I love her joyous dancing – it’s not pornified or anything, just happy fun dancing. I always tell plus-size women up north who are looking for a fat-friendly dating world, they should move down South because Southern men are not all about stick figures.

Anyhoo, I don’t know who this dancer is, but watching her shimmyshake just makes me happy:

I realize it’s approximately, oh, six months too early for this. But it’s half-Christmas! Today! Right now! And the gulf states could use a little love.

So, a long while back – I am hoping it was one year, but fear it may be two! – you had a bit of a series on BFD about fat women in art – Venus of Willendorf and others. And since then, I’ve wanted to send you this statue, in the FDR Post Office in Manhattan, at 53rd and 3rd. She’s placed next to the escalator, so it’s hard to get a good picture of her – and this one is from my cell. She’s called “The Big Woman”, and is made of rough pieces patted together into the shape you see.

I love her. She is the big woman, and she’s one of the only female bodies I’ve ever seen that I feel some connection with – the shape reminds me of my own, in terms of certain contours. I don’t know what the artist thought or felt about calling her the “Big Woman”, but it makes me feel she is proud and fierce, and every time I go to the Post Office, she makes me happy. So, I, er, just wanted t o share.

Thanks for the investigative journalism, Mary! Has anyone else seen any good fat art lately?

image via TIME newsfeed

Sometimes, the internet is a rough place–read the comments on almost any high-trafficked news article or blog post or photo, and you run into a vile world of small-minded prejudice and casual hate and discrimination and nasty, slimy minds that seem like they would be best locked away in the dark. So sometimes, I like to remind myself that the world is not all terrible, and the internet is not only for fat-bashing and bad grammar.

For instance: a little while back, a group of Metafilter posters banded together and to literally rescue two very young Russian women from what was probably a white slavery ring.

This past week,  Post Secret showed a postcard from a suicidal illegal alien, musing over her upcoming suicide. The Post Secret readership came together almost immediately:

Within 24 hours, nearly 20,000 people had signed up for a Facebook group titled “please don’t jump,” which was later linked beneath the secret on the Post Secret blog, linking in thousands of supportive comments. On the group’s page, sympathetic users posted comments ranging from simply “I want you here” to “If I knew when you’d be at the bridge, I’d drive all the way from Ohio to meet you there, and hold you until you changed your mind.”

I hope the postcard writer saw this. It’s almost enough to make you believe in people.

For its June 2010 issue, French Marie Claire has gone curvy with editorials featuring plus-size models in lingerie and swimsuits à la française–that’s right, only bottoms, no tops!

Of course, these are all models, so “plus-size” is like a size 10. I personally took a counterbalancing stroll through some wonderful recent pieces at Adipositivity. Mostly NSFW. Except this one, which I love. And this one!

It made me want to take my own half-naked pictures, even if I wouldn’t necessarily post them on the Internet for the world to see. But there’s so much beauty in all types of bodies. It really is lovely to be reminded of that.

Happy Friday!

Check out that insane eye makeup and lipstick!

The awesome shape of that dress, which breaks all the fat-girl muumuu rules!

The ruffly crazy thing! The color! The attitude.

Makes me want to pack something wacky to wear to Forbidden Zone this weekend.

Beth Ditto, you are awesome, as ever.

1. Fat Female Celebrities vs. Fat Male Celebrities

The fat male group is more loved, less judged for their body size and more contemporary ; the fat female group has many members framed as being “bitchy” and “too opinionated,” is judged endlessly in relation to body size and is much less current in the zeitgeist (Gossip singer Beth Ditto is arguably a contemporary fat female icon, but hardly as well-known as the likes of [Jack] Black).

2. On Airbrushing Skinny Models to Look Healthy

It’s been dubbed ‘reverse retouching’ and involves using models who are cadaverously thin and then adding fake curves so they look bigger and healthier.

This deranged but increasingly common process recently hit the headlines when Jane Druker, the editor of Healthy magazine – which is sold in health food stores – admitted retouching a cover girl who pitched up at a shoot looking ‘really thin and unwell’.

It sounds crazy, but the truth is Druker is not alone. The editor of the top-selling health and fitness magazine in the U.S., Self, has admitted: ‘We retouch to make the models look bigger and healthier.’

3. Miss USA admits to strict dieting, exercise, and dehydrating to look “good on TV”.

Remember, the BFD Twitter feed is here. Happy Tweeting!