Our plan is this: five weeks, six days per week – one-and-a-half to two hours per day, which is what Madonna and Gwyneth do. We will do 40 minutes of cardio exercise in each session, followed by one-and-a-half hours of Pilates-based toning exercises… It’s unlike any other workout because Jonathan will change what we do after every eight sessions in order to prevent the muscles from getting used to anything and to keep them working hard.

Ashley Pearson says things like, “I feel awful every morning. People have started to tell me they can see a difference physically, but I’m too tired to care” and “he gently suggests that if I do need to vomit, I should make sure I lean away from the machines.” One gets the sense that this workout regimen is nothing less than pure torture.

Jezebel sums up the results (although you can read the blow-by-blow at the Daily Mail link):

Pearson notes that during those five weeks she almost vomited during workouts, aggravated her constantly aching left knee, and started avoiding stairs because it hurt too much to climb them. The workouts also took a huge toll on her personal life: she couldn’t concentrate, her boyfriend broke up with her, she was too tired to maintain a social life, and she was constantly showering or doing laundry.

Though you might expect that Pearson would realize after going through this “nightmare” that such a gym routine wasn’t worth it or condemn the society that demands our celebrities obsess about their weight, all Pearson takes from this experience is that we should have more respect for Gwyneth and Madonna… Apparently having a lower quality of life is worth it, as long as you’re 10 pounds skinnier.

Amen, sisters. And hilariously, Ashley Pearson’s before and after photos look totally indistinguishable. She’s wearing poufy clothing in both of them, and I defy you to see any difference. Her outfit in the “after” photo is very cute, though.

Thanks to either Nonk or Annie or both for the link!

1. Improving Aphrodite, a post with a great title and (even greater pictures) about reproductions of classic art that make its subjects, such as Botticelli’s Venus, thinner:

This is hilarious: it’s revisionist art history, as done by the Photoshop-happy editors of Vogue.

2. A fascinating discussion of how, for fat people, every picture (especially an unflattering one) comes across as a “before” picture waiting for an “after” to happen:

This polaroid was to be my “before” picture. The counselor took it with an impressive measure of enthusiasm, with an absolute wide-eyed assurance that someday soon I would look at this picture and shake my head and say “I cannot believe I ever looked like that!

And 3. A side-by-side comparison of ten celebrities who have gotten much thinner in recent years. (Jennifer Aniston would totally qualify for this, but she isn’t included.)

The point I want to make is that these women have ALWAYS been beautiful. They were considered beautiful enough to be stars with their curves, so what made them think they needed to lose them?

Speaking of pictures, back to the Photoshop diet. The idea behind the “diet” is that you take a photo of yourself and manipulate it into an “ideal” state of skinnyness via Photoshop, and are thusly motivated to lose a bunch of weight. If you can’t do it yourself, a website will apparently do it for you!

Within 48 hours of uploading your “before” photograph, [the site] will produce an “after” photograph for you based on your stated weight loss goal of from 5 to 50 pounds — perfect for sticking on the refrigerator door to motivate you not to eat those leftovers.

Fortunately, looking at the “before” photos of all of those celebrities, not to mention the “before” photo of Aphrodite, not to mention thinking about the bullshit concept of the “before” photo in the first place, provides the perfect antidote to the Photoshop diet. Oh, and if anyone wants to see my own personal “before” picture… here it is.

How did I not know there was a site called Celebrity Body Gossip? Well, there is, and according to them, Madonna hates her “big fat thighs.” Oh, Madonna!

The original story comes from the Daily Mail:

[D]espite a body that belies her 49 years, it seems Madonna is just like every other woman when it comes to hating one part of her body – her thighs. A newly-released video shows the singer bemoaning the ‘big fat thighs’ she inherited from her mother…she is heard on the clip pleading: ‘Don’t show my big fat thighs, whatever you do.’

The footage was shown during an interview on US television. Asked about her remarks, she made light of them, joking: ‘My big Italian thighs. Very proud of them.’ But she added that she was happier with her legs now a new workout schedule had taken effect. ‘My thighs aren’t as chubby,’ she said.

I guess you can say this makes her relatable or something. (Not that we ever need to hear, say, Johnny Depp whinging about his cellulite.) But mostly it’s just depressing that she, of all people, at the age of 49, hasn’t found peace with her body. Another point of view? According to my husband, “she should be more worried about whether people are sick of her.”