Now Jane Pratt has started a website, xoJane.com, and I am really digging it. Marianne Kirby (from The Rotund) and Lesley Kinzel (from Two Whole Cakes) are both writers there, and I think at least one of their other regular writers is plus-sized. That’s not just one token size ten contributor, that’s multiple people who are straight-up fat. (Back in the magazine days, there was one vaguely curvy girl named, I think, Katy (?), and I always felt like I could relate just a little bit more to her pieces.) The best thing about this is that THEY WRITE ABOUT ALL SORTS OF THINGS THAT DO NOT INVOLVE FATNESS.

Don’t get me wrong, they write great stuff about size issues. Lesley just wrote a piece called What’s Wrong With Fat-Shaming?, addressing those horrible billboards featuring sad-looking fat kids (I saw them in Atlanta last year, too, and I always wonder how the poor “models” feel, being plastered on a billboard, children, and being held up as some sort of example of what’s wrong with the world.) I also enjoyed her recent piece about Tim Gunn:

His comments are ultimately the same old body-loathing crap we hear all the time, wrapped up in faux sympathy, and therefore I must take issue with Gunn’s self-applied title of “advocate for larger women” as I believe his words do those women more harm than good. Especially when Gunn says of one woman on the new show, “…she’d been overweight her entire life and never known a normal, slim and sexy body.” (Emphasis mine.)

Check out the body politics tab for more (not just from Lesley, but from other contributors as well). But Lesley has also written about Downton Abbey and collecting things and tampons, and Marianne has written about eloping and fan fiction and Anne of Green Gables. I have no idea how the site works, but it doesn’t seem like “you’re our Fat Contributor, so please write about fat,” more like “you’re a contributor, please write about what interests you.”

I have to say tha I would love to see some more contributors of color, but the site is really doing something right by us plus-sized readers. So thank you to xoJane for having some real size diversity among your staff.

Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. —Ben Franklin

I’m sure you’ve all read plenty about the TSA furor, which has been upsetting plenty of people. Friend of the blog Aych has written about her experience, and posts written by and about rape survivors have added additional layers of horror to the whole thing—and have suggested that the purpose of the pat downs is not actually to search people, but to embarrass them into choosing the scanners instead.

So I was reading this article about how the TSA agents don’t like the patdowns any more than airline passengers do, and what’s one of their complaints? Of course. Fat people.

“It is not comfortable to come to work knowing full well that my hands will be feeling another man’s private parts, their butt, their inner thigh,” wrote one male agent. Even worse is having to try and feel inside the flab rolls of obese passengers, and we seem to get a lot of obese passengers!

Well gee, I’m really sorry my “flab rolls” are making you uncomfortable while you are groping my private parts in public. Obviously I should fall in line and just go for the option where my naked body gets projected on a screen for you instead.

While Dr. Benjamin isn’t coming right out as a fat advocate, she definitely takes a shot at the media for its doom and gloom finger pointing at the fat rampage so-called obesity epidemic. The winds of change are blowing, BFDivas and BFDudes!

(Via Big Fat Blog)

Unless she is not confident, because those people are hideous even if they are supermodels! Or so I have been told by very many well-meaning people. (Sorry, that was a bit derailish. Venting from the time I tried to get someone to rephrase “confidence makes you 1000x more beautiful” to “confidence helps people see your beauty” so that I wouldn’t have to conclude that I am hopelessly ugly, and she was all, “NO! Confidence is vital to beauty!” So remember, kids, the thing to tell people who are insecure about their looks is that their insecurity makes them disgusting.)

I’ve advocated confidence myself, plenty of times. (Just check out the “related posts” links for evidence.) It feels like in my own life, confidence has been an asset to me. But this is such an interesting angle from which to look at the idea of confidence. What if you’re not confident? Does that make you a failure? Are we oppressing people by suggesting that they “should” become more confident?

Also, saying that “every woman is beautiful” made me think of Lesley’s recent piece on appearance-based privilege, wherein she suggests that perhaps we don’t need to feel beautiful or even believe we’re beautiful to have fulfilling lives:

[F]or me, there was tremendous freedom in surrendering the idea that subjectively feeling — if not objectively being — beautiful was a requirement of a happy and fulfilling life. This is not to suggest that people shouldn’t feel good about themselves, or even “pretty”, as the occasion warrants — my point is that this feeling should not be the necessity and the compulsion that it is, and that when it occurs, it should neither be underscored nor negated by the response of the majority, according to what masculine doctrine finds most valuable. Wanting to feel pretty, to appreciate and value oneself as a beautiful person, is a fine notion. Confronting, deconstructing, and redefining what counts as beauty is a valiant effort. But we should also be vigilant: is it personal gratification and self-love we’re after, or the advantages that being beautiful to others would afford us?

So, what do you guys think about confidence? Is it okay if we don’t have it?

I’d seen some stirrings on Twitter, while I was out of town for the weekend, about a problematic post on Feministe, but I didn’t have a chance to go read it.

Then this morning, I read this terrific post from Meowser on the controversy, as well as the strawman version of Fat Acceptance that is being engaged by some feminist bloggers.

We say, “What causes people to weigh what they do is complex and multifactorial, and varies a lot from one person to another — and you can’t tell what people’s habits are by their pants size.” They hear, “Weight is purely inherited and has nothing whatsoever to do with behavior.” (Uh, no. Try the behavioral factors have been played to fucking death in the media, and we really, really don’t need to flog them yet again. Also, try dieting is a behavior too, and it makes most people who try it fatter, not thinner, especially if they take it up in childhood.)

Meowser also pointed to this post by Aunt B, which is well worth a read.

I just don’t see how any discussion that involves people policing women’s bodies and trying to dictate what women do with them can ever be feminist.

“Weight can signal a lack of activity or too many donuts, and that shouldn’t irk anyone,” Monica says. But that’s not a cultural critique. That’s an invitation to stick our noses into the business of women who are somehow “signaling” by being fat.

Again, I feel like this is a point that feminists would mull over–does a body, merely by being a body, signal anything? If my having big boobs tells you nothing about whether I’m a slut, why are you so sure it tells you anything about whether I’ve had too many donuts?

Here are the reasons fat is a feminist issue that I quoted back in 2007.

Why is it a feminist issue? Because only women are hounded for our weight 24/7 in every possible media venue. Because women are constantly being pressured to conform to fuckability standards – weight, hair, makeup, clothes, shoes, and sexual compliance are only some of the things that women are subjected to…

Men are not subject to these pressures to conform. Men are only considered fat if they are well over 50 lbs. overweight. Every inch of a man’s body does not have to be fat-free, sculpted, cellulite-free, etc. for him to be considered a real man. A woman with fat on her body (except breasts and hips) is hardly a woman at all.

Yes, fat acceptance also includes men, and men also deal with fatism and self-esteem issues and pressure to have more ideal bodies. And body acceptance extends to everyone: fat, thin, in between, because we are all faced with a world full of unrealistic standards. So fat is not a feminist issue to the exclusion of anyone who is not a fat woman.

But should feminists consider fat a feminist issue? Do they have a responsibility to consider that fat shaming affects women disproportionately, or that a woman owning her body—the same body autonomy that feminists argue so vehemently for when it comes to sexuality— extends to her owning of its fat percentage? Absolutely.

Recently(ish), BFD reader cb wrote in to share part of a survey she’d filled out after shopping at the Gap’s online store, and the response she received. She rated her online experience 5 out of 10 and when they asked why, here’s what she said:

I am a plus-sized shopper, and wear a size 20 or XXL. While I love many of Gap’s products, I am unhappy that I can’t go into a store and try things on in my size. This is a sizeist attitude, and one that I don’t appreciate. It means I have to pay (shipping) to try something on, whereas people wearing smaller sizes can (barring an item being sold out) walk in and try things on.

It would be greatly appreciated if you would bring the plus sizes back into the stores. You have a great line of products through both Gap and Old Navy (Banana Republic does not offer plus sizes), and I would like to feel that my business is important enough to warrant being welcome inside your stores. You are turning away women who are willing to hand you their money by not catering to your plus sized market. My
online shopping experience is as good as can be expected, but I don’t like paying to try on clothes.

The Gap responded:

Thank you for your feedback regarding our women’s plus line not being
carried in our stores. As a company, we are constantly evaluating and re-evaluating our business, and customer feedback like yours is a vital part of the process. We hope you know that it is never our intention to frustrate customers with what we are able to offer in our stores. We can assure you that your feedback will be shared with the appropriate company personnel.

Cb was surprised that she got a response, and added “I really feel like we in the plus-sized community have an opportunity here to tell these companies that we want the opportunity to shop for items IN-STORE.”

I was reminded of her email in the postcard comments thread, when The Binge Diary suggested writing a letter of complaint to the company that produced the postcard—a good idea that simply hadn’t occurred to me.

I confess I don’t really write any letters of complaint at all, although I have really been tempted to write a letter to the Harry Potter theme park, since I really really really want to spend a lot of money to travel to Florida and ride their ride, but I probably can’t. It made me wonder: Do you write complaint letters yourself? Do you think they make a difference? Have you ever gotten results?

Michele Fonville claims she was charged five extra dollars for her manicure due to her weight. Kim Tran, owner of the Natural Nails Salon in DeKalb County, Georgia, said the reason she was being charged was apparently fat patrons were causing damage to salon chairs (as opposed to possible normal wear and tear). When Ms. Fonville told the owner she couldn’t charge her extra because it was weight discrimination, Tran allegedly replied it wasn’t fair to charge $24 for a manicure when it costs $2500 to fix broken furniture. She refunded the extra charge and told Fonville not to come back because she couldn’t serve her anymore…

Us fat people take so much crap in our society, the last thing we should have to worry about is being shamed at a nail salon. And while Kim Tran probably can charge fat people more for manicures because there is no national weight discrimination law on the books, it’s still disheartening she would think to only blame large people for breaking her furniture and making them pay for the cost towards items she as a business owner is required to supply.

Leigh lives in the same town, and sent us this link to a local news source, which quotes both Fonville and Tran:

I said, ‘I’ve been overcharged. She may have made an error,’” said Fonville. “She broke it down, then told me she charged me $5 more because I was overweight. I was humiliated. I almost cried. Tears were forming in my eyes….”

“I didn’t want to argue with her about $5. I wanted to make her pleased with her service,” Tran said. “I whispered … I said, ‘I’m sorry, next time I cannot take you.”

When Kari wrote in, she pointed out that Michelle Fonville’s name is in the headlines of some of these articles, which might suggest a subtle note of public “fat shaming.” And then I realized that despite being humiliated and hurt by what had happened, Michelle Fonville decided to speak out about it—go to the media and tell her story publicly and on camera. A lot of people might have been too embarrassed to do that, and have their name in those headlines. But despite her humiliation, Michelle didn’t waver from her belief that the $5 surcharge was discrimination, and that it was wrong, and that people should hear about it.

How many stories like this must happen every day? If Michelle Fonville’s bravery in going public is a rarity, how many other incidents must happen that we never find out about? How many people—who may blame themselves for their weight, who may buy into the culture of body shaming—are afraid to be laughed at, instead of supported, if they insist they’ve been treated wrongly? I wonder.

Dear BFD,

First, thanks for adding an Ask BFD category. I love your blog and the FA blogosphere so much- I wish I’d known about it in high school! :) Reading these blogs are very rewarding, but yet difficult for me because of cognitive dissonance. How can you be a fat positive advocate, and a good friend and influence when it comes to body positivity for the people around you, when you still struggle with accepting yourself?

Obviously, the world we live in is still very judgmental, which is what a lot of blogs often discuss. My problem, though, is just as often me. Being college-age now, my sister and some of my dearest friends struggle with eating disorders, so body positivity and self-esteem are an important issue for me. But as someone who struggled with eating disorders herself, and who still sometimes -hates- her body at a ‘healthy BMI’, and what most people would call an average size- I often feel fatter now than when I was
obese- how can I counsel self-love without being a hypocrite? How can you keep from triggering the people around you when you’re trying to keep losing weight yourself?

I am the biggest HAES advocate believer you can imagine, and the last thing I want to do is spread any more negative energy into the world. I am a radical liberal and feminist, and many of the women I personally find attractive are bigger than me- Beth Ditto is one of the most fashionable, inspiring, and talented women I have ever seen, for instance, and I have the most monstrous crush on Hayley Hasselhoff from Huge. But this just doesn’t transfer to my own behavior and self-image. I want to be a good role model to the girls around me, and I think my problem is one a lot more common than some people think. The only analogy I can think of is being straight in a gay pride parade, except it’s probably closer to being a secretly self-hating gay- how can you support this cause when you’re one of those girls who are technically the ‘enemy?’

I know I’m a work in progress, and I try every day to become a happier, more self-loving person, but eating disorders don’t just go away just like that, or even just the puerile teenage insecurities every woman’s faced sometimes. Thanks for reading this, and I’d love any advice on how to still be an advocate for others, even with my own problems. Most of all, I love my sister more than anything, and I fear the effect I have on her sometimes. Does anyone else have this problem, and what do you do? Thanks for your time!

Gratefully,
Barnardgirl

This is such a great question, Barnardgirl, and thanks for sending it in!

First of all, I think you’re making an assumption that isn’t true: that somehow, all FA advocates are perfect models of self-esteem and self-love. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who doesn’t still struggle with these issues sometimes. I still “feel fat” and unattractive sometimes, I still get my feelings hurt by petty fatism, I still have a semi-disordered relationship with food—I’m not immune, and I honestly don’t think anyone is.

So, be careful with things like calling yourself “the enemy.” You’re fighting a lifetime of messages that there’s something wrong with your body, and at least you’re thinking about these issues. You’re doing the best you can.

So, first of all, I would advise you to keep doing what you’re already doing—read and participate in blogs like this one and other feminist and fatosphere blogs, replace Cosmo and Vogue with Ms. and Fatshionista, and keep working on internalizing emotionally what you’ve already accepted intellectually.

As for your sister, I have a sister myself, and I appreciate your desire to be a good role model for her, as well as for your friends. All I can say is, resist the urge to participate in Fat Talk as a form of bonding, keep preaching the gospel of HAES and modeling it as best you can, and keep reading for the readers’ advice in the comments. Readers—what advice can you give Barnardgirl?

2. Lesley at Fatshionista is doing Huge recaps, and tackles the latest episode here. Also, the cast signs a Body Peace Treaty, but… there are some problems, as The
Rotund explains:

“Oh, hi, y’all, love your bodies but isn’t this traditionally attractive boy just the hottest? You may be smart and funny and good looking but you won’t measure up to the mainstream heartthrobby good looks of the thin dude.”

Yeah, I’m paraphrasing. BUT COME ON.

3. The Glamazons are auditioning for new talent.

Those 4 plus size beauties are looking to cast another girl to add to the group! Are you a gorgeous, tall, plus size girl who can sing and dance? Please send pics and resumes to glamazongirls@gmail.com for audition appointment.

4. Let’s teach preschoolers to count calories! Family Feeding Dynamics spots a problematic sign at the local Farmer’s Market.

Circle the healthiest choice (fewest calories)!
Ring the cowbell!

1/2 cup diced fruit salad (60 calories)
1/2 cup diced fruit salad with 2 Tbspn orange juice (88 calories)
1/2 cup diced fruit salad with 2 Tbspns light yogurt (96 calories)

I wonder why adding yogurt is not “healthy” or the assertion that the definition of “healthy” is low calorie. Low-calorie and low-fat diets fail nutritionally for small children (and fail for adults too.) I won’t elaborate on why this is garbage “nutrition” info which is more harmful than helpful.

5. And finally, happy ten-year blogoversary to the granddaddy of all FA blogs, Big Fat Blog!

I know we haven’t solved all of the world’s fat problems (yet), but just think for a second where fat acceptance and body equality were ten years ago. Or maybe it would be easier to think of where *you* were on the body love continuum ten years ago.

Happy Thursday!

Dear BFD folks,

I have been a reading your blog for awhile and need some advice from you (and the readers) on something. I really hope you can take the time to help me out.

I’ll try to keep a long story short, but here’s some background: I’ve been fat since puberty (I’m in my early 30s now, topped out at about 280 lbs. and a size 22/24). I was teased all through school for my weight, and made the mistake of reading magazines like Cosmo (which just kept telling me that I wasn’t thin or pretty enough) so I had no self-esteem until I found the FA movement in my 20s. I have been a happy fat girl with rockin’ self-esteem ever since.

Last year I moved to a new town and began to work from home. I love working from home, but my workaholic tendencies (coupled with the fact that my commute is now ten feet from my bedroom) meant that I would be at home all day and often didn’t go outside or see another person except for my boyfriend. I was not happy with this. In an effort to take a break from work and go out into the world and see actual people, I began to swim laps every day at a nearby pool. I love it! The physical activity feels great, I’m out in the world, and I have a couple of hours a day where I don’t have to read emails and deal with work.

In starting this new physical activity, weight loss was not my goal. I just wanted to get out and do more with my body than click a mouse. But, as can happen with exercise and healthful eating (I was already a veggie-lover), I am starting to lose weight. My friends and family have been noticing and making the positive comments that everyone makes in these situations. Namely: “You look great – have you lost weight?”

So here’s my problem: How do I deal with these comments? I don’t want to tell them that I have lost weight, because I feel like that’s leading them to believe that I buy into the Western Beauty Standard BS that being thin is the ideal and if you’re fat you automatically wish you were thin and diet all the time. But I also don’t want to shame them for giving me a compliment because, after all, they are my family and friends and they only mean well.

I thought about saying something like, “Thank you for noticing I have changed, but I prefer not to discuss my body,” but that sounds a little…standoffish and like something you’d say to a stranger and not your mom or your best girlfriend. If it’s possible, I’d actually like to steer the praise to the fact that I’m dropping 60+ laps a day at the pool. That is such an amazing thing to me that I did not know I could achieve and that means way more to me than what size dress I’m wearing these days. And, if I’m swimming that far at 280 lbs., every day, the haters who think us fatties just sit on the couch and eat cupcakes all day have to suck it hard now, right? :)

Thanks in advance,
cubicalgirl

Here is an old Shapely Prose post answering this very question!

Aunt Fattie’s recommendation: variations on the theme of “really? I hadn’t noticed.” For people who are keenly attuned to others’ weight fluctuations, this is guaranteed to blow their minds. It is not rude or dismissive, but the genuine indifference not to the weight loss compliment but to weight loss itself alerts people that something unusual is going on here.

I’m sure poking around in the comments of that thread will yield some other good advice. BFD readers, what do you think?