Ask BFD: How Do I Deal With Compliments On Weight Loss?
This email landed in our inbox this week, and it inspired me to add a new category called “Ask BFD” to file this post under. I’m going to try and go back and tag some of the terrific posts that have sprung from reader questions. In the meantime, I think this is a great question, and I look forward to reading the responses! Bolding here, as per usual, is mine.
Dear BFD folks,
I have been a reading your blog for awhile and need some advice from you (and the readers) on something. I really hope you can take the time to help me out.
I’ll try to keep a long story short, but here’s some background: I’ve been fat since puberty (I’m in my early 30s now, topped out at about 280 lbs. and a size 22/24). I was teased all through school for my weight, and made the mistake of reading magazines like Cosmo (which just kept telling me that I wasn’t thin or pretty enough) so I had no self-esteem until I found the FA movement in my 20s. I have been a happy fat girl with rockin’ self-esteem ever since.
Last year I moved to a new town and began to work from home. I love working from home, but my workaholic tendencies (coupled with the fact that my commute is now ten feet from my bedroom) meant that I would be at home all day and often didn’t go outside or see another person except for my boyfriend. I was not happy with this. In an effort to take a break from work and go out into the world and see actual people, I began to swim laps every day at a nearby pool. I love it! The physical activity feels great, I’m out in the world, and I have a couple of hours a day where I don’t have to read emails and deal with work.
In starting this new physical activity, weight loss was not my goal. I just wanted to get out and do more with my body than click a mouse. But, as can happen with exercise and healthful eating (I was already a veggie-lover), I am starting to lose weight. My friends and family have been noticing and making the positive comments that everyone makes in these situations. Namely: “You look great – have you lost weight?”
So here’s my problem: How do I deal with these comments? I don’t want to tell them that I have lost weight, because I feel like that’s leading them to believe that I buy into the Western Beauty Standard BS that being thin is the ideal and if you’re fat you automatically wish you were thin and diet all the time. But I also don’t want to shame them for giving me a compliment because, after all, they are my family and friends and they only mean well.
I thought about saying something like, “Thank you for noticing I have changed, but I prefer not to discuss my body,” but that sounds a little…standoffish and like something you’d say to a stranger and not your mom or your best girlfriend. If it’s possible, I’d actually like to steer the praise to the fact that I’m dropping 60+ laps a day at the pool. That is such an amazing thing to me that I did not know I could achieve and that means way more to me than what size dress I’m wearing these days. And, if I’m swimming that far at 280 lbs., every day, the haters who think us fatties just sit on the couch and eat cupcakes all day have to suck it hard now, right? :)
Thanks in advance,
cubicalgirl
Here is an old Shapely Prose post answering this very question!
Aunt Fattie’s recommendation: variations on the theme of “really? I hadn’t noticed.” For people who are keenly attuned to others’ weight fluctuations, this is guaranteed to blow their minds. It is not rude or dismissive, but the genuine indifference not to the weight loss compliment but to weight loss itself alerts people that something unusual is going on here.
I’m sure poking around in the comments of that thread will yield some other good advice. BFD readers, what do you think?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Ask BFD, Exercise, Question, Weight Loss
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I volunteer with a very weight-focused lady (she’s a sweetie, she just talks about it all the time…mostly her own). She claims she can instantly tell when someone has gained or lost even five pounds. (Which amazes me because if you ambush me and say ‘Does so and so wear glasses?’ I’m like, ‘Um……’) She made a comment to me about having lost weight and I shrugged and said, “Its possible…I’m always losing track of SOMETHING….”
You totally win. I love this response.
Why don’t you take the accent off the weight and put it on the fact that you’re doing something that makes you happy, namely swimming?
I read one great response to this situation on one of these FA blogs years ago, but can’t remember which one. Something to the effect of: “I don’t know, I threw my scale away & never looked back, but I feel great. Thanks!” and that’s a good way to steer the convo toward your swimming & how much you love it.
I always just say “maybe.” And then maybe mention something like “oh I have been swimming more lately.”
I’ve been swimming too, just joined a gym with a pool for the first time. LOVE it!
“You know, I’m actually just proud of how great I’ve been swimming – 60 laps is WAY more important than losing a couple pounds!”
… That’s just what I’d say. :)
““Its possible…I’m always losing track of SOMETHING….”” Hah. That is so awesome.
I like the advice from Shapely Prose and I’m certain I can do no better. I really struggle with not sounding totally rude when someone says something to me that raises my hackles and that is one of those situations.
How about something like, “I feel great lately! I don’t pay that much attention to my weight, though.”
Love Shapely Prose and Pegkitty’s advice!
I might, however, dissect their statement for them a bit by saying something like, “Thanks for thinking I look great! I’m not sure what my weight would have to do with that, but it’s nice to hear that I’m looking well. I’ve been doing XYZ lately, and it’s made me feel fantastic. I’m glad my happiness is showing!”
This kind of response accepts their compliment, but subtly re-directs it away from pure “appearance” and on to “feeling”. HA! IN YO’ FACE!
I think other commenters are right when they say to just mention how great you feel but you don’t pay much attention to your weight if it’s just someone in passing – a co-worker etc. To my mom or a close girlfriend (and I’m lucky to think of my mom as a close girlfriend) I would feel comfortable going into the nitty gritty with them if they mentioned it.
That said, I also started swimming this summer and it’s so much fun. I have never felt so good about myself (and good in general) after a workout! Also, each time I go, I’m inspired by the other swimmers of all body types.
I usually say, “Holy crap, I hope not.”
But there’s an extenuating factor– I enjoy messing with people’s heads. :D
That’s a great reply. I’m tucking that into the back of my mind in case this ever comes up in my life.
I’ve used Mary Sue’s technique before, sometimes following up with “I lost a lot of weight when I was really sick a year ago, and I’m finally back up to where I should be.” It is AMAZING to see people’s faces go slack while they think of a way to change the subject. (I have yet to experience someone actually launch into omgobesitycrisis, other than a tentative “Aren’t you worried?”)
But I like Nora’s for quick encounters; it sums it all up in one statement: I feel great but not because I lost weight. It’s poetic.
I like to say “Thanks. You know I feel really great. I’ve been enjoying my swims (runs, etc) so much lately. It’s just so nice to enjoy the water, etc.”
I always accept the compliment and immediately turn it into how I feel and how I’m enjoying life. I think it stuns people when I don’t go down the rabbit hole of obsessing about weight and body talk. And, I refuse to “return” the compliment about body stuff to the other person. I usually like to then ask the person how they are doing and just say how much I enjoy seeing their smiling face. (Of course, I’m talking about friends and not just random co-workers).
I have people randomly telling me I’ve lost weight, whether I have or not. I’ve started mainly saying, ‘I don’t know, I might have done, I don’t weigh myself’ and then changing the subject. It lets people know that I don’t care about my weight, while not being overly rude, but also makes it easy to change the subject afterwards!
Shieldmaiden, that’s an *awesome* reply! I love it.
I also like the “I don’t know, I don’t really keep track of my weight” flavors of answers, especially if you also thank them for saying you look great.
Unless I’ve dropped a clothing size I always just say “no, I don’t think so – but thanks for the compliment”. Even if I know I have lost some, I don’t want it to be perceived as a goal or something to be sad about if I gain it back.
I think I would shrug, smile, and say ‘I have no idea, but I’ve been swimming a lot lately. I’m up to 60 laps and I feel great!’
Remember, you don’t owe anyone personal information about your weight just because they ask about it. You do, however, need to do your best to be polite in the face of something meant kindly, even if it isn’t how you’d like the question approached. Just a smile and a derail will take the emphasis off weight without being rude at all.
This is so interesting to me because I’ve lost weight this year and I *hate* the attention this brings, as well as what I feel are retroactive put-downs about my former body (i.e. looking great now means I wasn’t looking so great before). My decision to lose weight wasn’t particularly FA, but it was a decision to take stock of myself and see how I had been eating, exercising, and feeling about my body- and I’m OK with the fact that I wanted to lose weight for my own reasons and not those of society. But the response of other people has often been really insulting and affirms all the shame and hatred I was *supposed* to feel for myself before (under that paradigm).
I love the responses posted here- thanks!
Sony, is it a compliment? Or rather, if “you’ve lost weight!” isn’t accompanied with a “You look great!” should you say “thank you”?
Thanks to everyone for your responses! You have been so helpful! I really like the idea of saying something like, “I don’t pay attention to my weight but I’m swimming 60 laps and feel great!”
@Weetabix – oh heck no – if they don’t explicitly pay me a compliment, I don’t thank them.
When comments like this come up for me, I just hedge on not owning a scale and say I have no idea (my not owning a scale blows a lot of minds). I do mention if I’ve been doing something different lately (more exercise, more sleep, different food, whatever) because I think the compliment “You look good,” is really more an inquiry as to what you’re doing to get lookin’ good most of the time.
People tend to interpret almost any “positive” (socially acceptable) change in appearance to weight loss anyway, whether it’s new clothes or hair style or whatever.
I lost a bit of weight this year because I was depressed and not eating. And I got so many comments on it. But even though they are usually clearly meant as compliments, I noticed that people don’t often phrase them as such explicitly. So most commonly the first comment is “Have you lost weight?” or “Gee, you’ve lost a lot of weight” or “You’re looking thinner!”
Now, they are obviously expecting me to say something like “Thanks!” but I’ve found it’s really mind-blowing to NOT respond that way. I don’t pretend I didn’t know I’d lost weight, because that feels kind of disingenuous. I don’t actually know what the scales would say, but I do know that my clothes are all baggy now.
Instead I usually say, “Yeah. I know.” and make sure that my tone is neutral or even a little sad. If you get the facial expression and voice tone right, people are weirded out even just by the fact that you didn’t take it as a compliment, and they often change the subject then.
The really clueless who go on and say “Congratulations!” or “How did you do it?” get the fuller story: “I was sick.” or “I couldn’t eat enough.” or “Stress.”
them: “you look good, you’ve lost some weight”
me (in my head): “i may have, but that does not make me a better person”
i said it out loud once, the look on my mother’s face was priceless!
Haven’t used these, but here are two ideas for an answer to the “You’ve lost weight” comment:
“Really? Oh, it must be around here somewhere”; and
“Yeah, that chemo really did a number on me.”
Hey Babs…Really funny answers! I LOVE them…so creative and original. :))))
You made my day!
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There are lots of great responses for what to say to coworkers and such, but when it comes to the people you’re close to, the best answer is usually the truth. Maybe you could thank them for saying you look great, tell them that you feel great from all that swimming… and then explain to them how the focus on weight makes you feel uncomfortable.
I’m opposed to any form of “thank you”, since that implies acceptance of the idea that thinner is better. I would rather cause a little discomfort than reinforce this “truth”. I have just said “no I haven’t” if I haven’t lost any weight or if I’ve only lost a little. If I’ve lost a large amount I will just say a neutral but brief “yeah” or ” I guess so”. As some one on Shapely Prose said, weightless compliments or questions are UNBELIEVABLY personal, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to say ANYTHING in response.
I actually have a hard time taking other compliments on my appearance even if they’re not related to weight, because I’d rather be noticed for more important (and controllable) things that don’t make me feel objectified. Does anyone else feel like that?
I always feel like saying something snide such as “yeah, chemotherapy will do that,” but you all have so many nicer ones! I like the “really, I hadn’t noticed” or “I don’t own a scale, so I don’t know” approaches best because it seems like that would really blow the minds of so many in our weight obsessed culture–plus it isn’t snarky.
Please don’t use the chemo line. As a cancer survivor, the idea of that makes me cringe. There’s a place for being snarky about cancer. This ain’t it.
As for a response, don’t worry too much about if your response makes someone uncomfortable. People need to be uncomfortable about being so vain!
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A friend sent me the link to this post. I think it’s fantastic that you chose swimming. My comment is not about weight loss or trying to get anyone to lose weight. My story is a little like that…I was 250 pounds and I started swimming because I always loved it. I lost 110 pounds and it was very awkward whenever I got the questions or comments. I was so self conscious. Suddenly I was being noticed and people were complimenting me about my body. It was uncomfortable and I felt shy and like there was a spotlight on me. I never knew how to answer the comments but eventually I realized: just say thank you. :)