More About Brides
Since we were just talking about “lose weight for your wedding” pressure, this post by Silvana of Tiger Beatdown really resonated.
I was pretty fine with my body. Fine with being a fat bride. Fine with the fact that I was wearing a strapless dress which showed off my, yes, arms — which are considered unacceptably fat by many people. Until it actually happened.
Suddenly, my appearance was way more important than it had ever been. I’m certain that I couldn’t count how many people complimented me on my appearance. On my dress, my shoes, my hair, my makeup, my jewelry. I did not get any criticism, thank God. I only got tons and tons of compliments from everyone there. And the compliments keep rolling in on the photos I posted on Facebook. I was about to say “not that I mind them,” but the fact is, I do mind them. Not because I think people are ill-intentioned or because I find compliments embarrassing. But because it was so apparent to me that my looking beautiful, or sexy, or whatever, was an important component of the event. It was a feature. My appearance was part of the entertainment, and so matter what I did, if I went along with the cultural prescription by getting dolled up, I was going to be rewarded with oohs and ahhs.
I think we’ve all experienced this fixation on the appearance of the bride*, either as a wedding guest or as a participant–and hopefully not a competitor in the “wedding dress challenge” by You Know Who. I didn’t walk down the aisle at my wedding–I didn’t even have an aisle, just a party. And I still wish I’d had better hair, which, why!? Anyway, the whole post is a must-read.
*Or brides, I hope.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Fatism, Personal, Sex & Romance, Tidbit
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It goes back to the days when brides were literal chattel. The grooms’ family could point to her her and say, “see! we get this lovely virgin AND 2 goats, some chickens, and a cow! How much do WE rock?!?!?!”
I didn’t walk down an aisle, either. We got married at my in-laws’ house, and my husband and I walked down the stairs together. My S-I-L stood up with me, Hubby’s brother was the best man. The dogs protested being banished to the yard by barking throughout most of the ceremony. I wore a dress I’d bought a few years earlier at Marshall’s and no shoes, while Hubby wore his barong. Then we went out to dinner, came home to play “House of the Dead” on X-Box, and went to sleep. This was nearly 10 years ago and I have never regretted, for a single second, not having a big, lavish wedding.
Or any cows to give my in-laws.
I really, really, really hate to admit this, but I did horrible things to my body in the months leading up to my wedding. My weight is in the normal range. But before my wedding, I took laxatives, took clenbuterol (you know, horse asthma medication) ate nothing but goat cheese and avocado and bacon and red wine (that’s it) and went to tanning 3 times a week for a month. I also worked out at 5am before work for an hour, and then for another two hours after work. I got very, very ill as you can imagine. Two weeks before my wedding I was bed ridden with high fever (from treating my body like shit) and I wound up losing a shit load of weight just from being sick, not to mention my stupid ass pre-wedding eating disorder. I lost about 15 pounds and my dress was way too big for me and it was strapless and kept falling down. When I look back at pictures from my wedding (4 years ago), it’s obvious that I was too skinny. My bones are sticking out all over the place and my dress is hanging on me like a child playing dress up. And I’m brown as a (I dunno a brown cow?) It’s stupid. I wish I’d just been me. But I was so nervous about what all my relatives would think. Another one of my cousins had a nose job and lipo before her wedding. No wonder I live 3000 miles away from my family. Anyway, of course I gained all the weight back, plus some within 2 months of my wedding and had to re battle an eating disorder. It’s taken me till now to get a grasp on it. I had been in recovery for 10 years and doing very well up until my wedding. Sorry for the downer story.
Its because people want to be nice to you on your wedding day.
They see that you have obviously taken lots of time and effort into your appearance that day – more so than an ordinary day, and they give a positive response, which is what they expect you were looking for.
Its silly to spend time on your dress, hair and makeup and then “feel weird about it” when you get compliments.
If you don’t want this to happen, have another kind of wedding, where you won’t have to worry about being on display.
I do not think people should go out of their way to lose weight for a wedding, but if you are doing the dress, makeup and whole nine yards, enjoy the it. Its one time, one day.
Yuck, so true. It seems like every recap of a good wedding has to include, “The bride was so beautiful.”
This is an interesting discussion. We had a pretty unconventional wedding. 1880′s western costume to be exact. Mainly because hubby wanted to buy a cap and ball pistol, I believe.
Anyway-a big picnic in the redwoods with goofy songs and a little guerilla theater, with a surprising number of folks getting into costume with us. Hubby made my big (20 ish) poofy dress with bustle, but a friend who is a plus-sized designer made me a fabulous custom period corset as her gift….awesome.
I was perfectly fine with being big and wacky, as were many of the guests. Had the best party ever.
Then strangely, said designer friend emailed me comments a week later that were an expression of her own negative self talk, and the only moment of scrutiny that made me feel…not fabulous. She had emailed a great snap of the wedding couple walking across a field towards an old house ( looking totally period, thanx!) to a cousin who made a comment about the size of my butt (with bustle, mind you!). Why she thought it was a good idea to send his comment along with a note about ” what a card he is” still blows my mind.
Not a single comment during the event. And one snarky one from the last place I’d expect it ever.
I think there are a lot of folks who want to share in wedding fun, and talking about sisterly weight loss stuff seems a way to do it? Doesn’t make it OK, but it’s still weird.
I feel this is sort of related to the “You look great-have you lost weight??” comments. What the heck does weight have to do with it? But that’s the frame people have. Would SO love it if it weren’t.
Sigh.