I Hope This Woman Listens To The Internet
On Twitter, Jen_Lee alerted me to this Ask Metafilter post entitled “I want to be a brain in a jar.” The letter-writer is married to a guy who says he doesn’t want to have with her because she’s fat (among other charming qualities). And it gets worse: they are (read: he is) poly*, and the guy’s girlfriend is living with them. Even worse? The letter-writer blames herself for this.
[*Just to clarify, the “poly” part isn’t the bad thing, it’s that this is not a healthy poly relationship, in which everyone’s needs are being met. This seems like he’s using “poly” as an excuse to write off his terrible behavior.]
Can I just be his supportive great best friend who cooks the meals and buys the groceries and pays the bills and is his best buddy and helps him with relationship problems and talks to him and cheers him up and cleans the house and is too fat to f–k? Can I do that? Do I want to do that? Will it really be fixed (“maybe” he said… MAYBE) if I lost the extra weight I’m carrying?
The good news is, thank god, to be found in the answers. The very wise answers.
Should you go on a diet so that your husband, who is in a sexual relationship with another woman, will want to have sex with you? No. What you need to do is figure out why you’re still in this relationship…
he is a dick. I’m sorry, but he is. He’s acting like an asshole despite how it hurts you, and when you confront him with his hurtful behavior, he’s pinning it on YOU. My ex-husband did this to me when we were divorcing – “Well, maybe if you weren’t so ____ or ____, I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere!” This is emotional sadism of a particular hideous variety.
Oh, sweetheart, what? No. I don’t care if you’re supposedly so fat that you block out the sun – if he’s busy sleeping with other women and the only thing he’s learned how to do with his mouth is point out your supposed inadequacies, he’s doing it wrong…
Don’t be the fat girl losing weight to keep your man. It won’t work. Even when you lose the weight, you’ll be on the treadmill of trying to keep the weight off, or there will be something else – you don’t look young enough, he doesn’t like your style, you are so pushy, or your aren’t supportive enough, or something. You’ll never be good enough, because you already are good enough.
And there are some people, of course, who are encouraging her to lose weight “for herself” or “for her health” but even that’s getting shot down.
just like her not getting laid isn’t related to her size, our advice should also not be based on her size. she could be four feet tall and five hundred pounds and the advice would still be “hey, your hubby sounds like a jerk”…
Learn to love your body again — at any weight. I have little doubt that you are lovable and desirable as you are, whatever your partner’s moods and current predilections…whatever you do, work toward finding delight in yourself. Trying to do it for someone else is a dead end. Get right with your body as it is. Don’t fall into the well-baited trap of body-hate and self-loathing while you’re doing it. You deserve better.
I really really really really really hope she listens.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Fatism, Feminism, Sex & Romance
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It’s a horrible situation, but I can’t help but think that something else must be going on there. What confuses me is that she says her husband complains that the sex with the other woman isn’t good, either. It sounds to me like he is desperately trying to find a way to enjoy sex and it just isn’t working. Of course he’s still an idiot for either not realising or ignoring how much he’s hurting her and for making the weight comment, but I think the situation may be way more complicated than most of the people who answered seem to think.
I don’t necessarily regard the problem as the girlfriend per se, but whether she’s happy with her partner (the husband). If she’s not, then yeah, leave.
An acquaintance used to be in a similar situation with her now ex-husband and his girlfriend. She and his girlfriend ended up both dumping the ex on the same day. She and the girlfriend remain good friends; the ex…not.
Sometimes when you are in the middle of a relationship, you can’t see how self-destructive it is. It isn’t until you drag yourself out and look back and wonder “What the hell was I thinking?”
I need some help. I need some advice and I was hoping you could help me. This letter appeared on http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-46-beauty-and-the-beast/ and I was wondering what the advice would be to a woman beast..
I’m a woman who is just plain ugly, no genetic disorders, just ugly. The thing is I try. I clean up, I dress nicely, but I’m not pretty and I have never once been approached in a bar or at a party, or asked on a date by a colleague or friend, no matter how sparkling and charming and witty I might be. And I put myself out there, I talk, I flirt. It’s very easy to say “Oh, it’s just your manner” or “If you met the right guy…” when you fall into the “Normal to Pretty” category, but I’m not in that category. I’m just not attractive, I’m ugly. So how am I supposed to keep looking, keep trying, when for so long all I have faced is constant rejection? Because, while women may look past looks, its just not the same for men. How do I not give up?
um, pardon me, but unless I am misunderstanding… saying “it gets worse” and then saying “they are poly” (regardless of if you think it is just him or not) is offensive to many poly people out there, myself included. I would not count the fact that they are poly as part of the problem, I would count the fact he is a douche bag.
The “it gets worse” was in reference to the girlfriend living with them and the letter-writer essentially supporting their relationship, not with the concept of a polyamorous relationship. I think poly relationships work when everyone’s needs are being met–clearly not the case here. But I threw in the “they are poly” part after the sentence was already written, as a clarifier. I could have worded it better!
ah! Thanks Mo :) I didn’t quite understand how it was worded. Yes, by the way, after reading the linked post, I agree…what is happening there is not poly. I appreciate your speedy response :)
I’m glad to see this person is getting a lot of comments telling her that the problem is with her relationship, not her body. But I wonder whether that would be the case if this were a monogamous woman whose husband told her, “well maybe if you lost some weight…” Plenty of people believe women are obligated to provide sex with an “attractive” body in exchange for monogamy.
We often don’t recognize abuse if it doesn’t manifest itself physically. This woman is being horribly abused and, by blaming herself, shows classic signs of an abuse victim. She needs to get the hell away from him, and then into counseling.
Thanks for the clarification about the poly comment – that originally rubbed me the wrong way, too. I’ve known poly relationships in which the girlfriend (dating both husband and wife) lived with them without any major problems, but using the girlfriend as a weapon against the wife is emotionally manipulative and probably abusive. I do hope she listens to all the advice she was given.
@ FB, I have so many follow-up questions…also, thanks for the link to that Dear Sugar column, that’s fascinating.
1. How old are you? (Just curious where you are in your life)
2. What does “giving up” mean to you in the context of finding love? What are you doing currently in your search that you would not do if you gave up looking?
3. Was anything in the comments of the Dear Sugar column helpful to you? (there were some pretty good thoughts there–even the stuff I didn’t agree with I thought might work for someone else)
Wow. I am so sad for this poor woman. She sounds way too good for her husband!
If sex with the other woman sucks so much, then why is she his girlfriend? If she didn’t find him sexually attractive, then what the hell is she doing living with the guy?
Call me a man-hater if you will… but this guy seems to want his cake and eat it too. What a douchebag. I would ditch him. But that’s just me.
Great post as always ladies! :)
~Kellie
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I feel sad that she feels this way and it sounds like her husband has insecurities about his appearance that he’s projecting onto her. But the reality is she will take it until she gets tired, she’s not tired yet, she’s not fed up enough and she’s afraid of what letting go will mean for her life, i.e. loneliness, or perhaps fearing nobody else will be attracted to her. But her weight definitely NOT the problem in this relationship.