An excellent post about being fat and dating at The Rotund, where a reader wrote in, “So, how do we open ourselves up to almost certain rejection pointed directly at weight, without sliding backward on the FA?” Marianne makes a bunch of great points, so I recommend reading the whole thing:
1. The best place to start with this: reminding yourself that dating is a crap shoot no matter what your body is like and anyone who jumps into that pool is also struggling to keep their head above water…
3. There are more people out there than you think who won’t care or who will find your body attractive just as it is. I think that scares people for some reason – this idea that people might actively like fat bodies. It gets written off as being a fetish but, dude, it is a preference… You have to accept that, yes, people will like you for your body and that it’s okay for that to happen, too.
Reading that post reminded me of a conversation that started here in the comments, when Jasmine said:
My mother walked in my bedroom while I was changing, I was completely nude. I weigh 280-295 pounds. I’m on medication for mental health issues that has caused me to gain a little weight. She said that I should be embarrassed because she “didn’t know that I was that big,” and that I need to do something about my weight. She’s also a huge fan of The Biggest Loser. I want to lose weight, not because I’m having health problems but because I want to get a boyfriend, and she’s on my case sometimes about my weight being the reason why I don’t have one.
Here is (some of) what we said to Jasmine:
mo pie: My first thought is, you do NOT need to lose weight to get a boyfriend. Visit the Museum of Fat Love, please!
wildcatjen: I second mo pie! There are so many good guys out there who will be attracted to you for exactly who and what you are! My reasoning is thus: why would you want to be with somebody who would only want you if you were thin?
Shannon: Thin or fat, you’ll find love and it will be the right love for you. Don’t change yourself in your search for love or you may find a love that isn’t made for you.
Katie: my mom used to make lots of similar comments to me like that and it’s hurtful. I was in my mid to late 30s before I finally told her enough is enough. Your mother doesn’t get to judge your body, nobody gets to. As for a boyfriend, I met and married my sweet husband during that one brief time in my 20s when I didn’t give a fig about what I weighed and I was just happened to be a good place in my life where I happened to be exercising more, though [not by any definition] thin. And it wasn’t just my husband, before we settled down, I was dating several different guys, I think it was the fact I felt confident for the first time ever, instead of a fat cow, even though the size was no different than anytime before.
It’s true that I worry about young single fabulous fatties putting themselves out there and blaming their weight when they don’t find Mr. or Ms. Right. Singletons out there, how do you do it, and where do you look? And how do you avoid getting into the “if only I were thin, I’d find a boyfriend…” mindset?
Posted by mo pie