Fat Fetishists On Tyra
I’m pretty much just lifting this post wholesale from Jezebel: Men Who Are Obsessed With Obese Women.
On today’s episode, Tyra interviewed men who are “obsessed” with obese women. However, it seemed a lot more like a fetish than an obsession. One guest, Scott has been attracted to 400-pound women ever since he was a little boy.
You can view the video here. Here are some of the Jezebel comments:
wait, so being attracted to fat women is a fetish? because sex with a fat woman is an abnormal sexual expression?
does not compute.
also, TOTALLY disturbed by his description of sex “with a big girl” like boxing “you step in there and you knock ’em out” what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
As a fat girl I’m bummed that this seems to be my main target audience. Chubby chasing creeps me out. I don”t want to be someone’s type because of my poor eating habits you know?
Just because one thing turns you on in particular, I don’t think it necessarily negates that attraction. It just seems when it comes to weight and race, if someone is really attracted to it we find it odd – but yet if it is hair color or another aspect we are okay with it. It is one thing to refuse to look at someone who doesn’t fit the criteria and another just to prefer it.
Yeah, it’s such a murkey area. The subject came up on Feministing not too long ago, and one commenter (Stephanie89) qualified it as: “There’s a difference between a preference and a fetish, in that someone with a fetish (correct me if I’m wrong) is turned on by the actual characteristic and not a person with the characteristic. For example, a man might have a preference for fat women because they find those women attractive or they are fat themselves, whereas a person with a fat fetish is actually turned on by the idea of fatness, and of someone being fat. Does that make sense?”
This whole thing is pretty offensive. Tyra and the audience are asking these personal questions and acting all grossed out about their sex life because Nicki is obese, while she (Nicki) just has to sit there and take it and doesn’t get to say anything.
Then again, I suppose the Tyra show is not where you go when you want to be treated with tact and subtlety.
I’d love to know what your opinion is about this issue! It makes me think of Jimbo’s fat fetish on Rose Is Rose. Am I the only one who remembers this? (Hee. My friend Annie hates any sentences that start with “Am I the only one who…”)
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Celebrities, TV, Tyra Banks
I guess if I don’t want guys to be turned off by me just because I am fat without knowing me at all, I need to be equally annoyed at those who would be turned on by me without knowing anything about me except that I am fat.
I’ve said it before, I do not want to be the object of a fetish. I want to be wanted because of the whole of who I am, not because my body is shaped a certain way.
But I also take offense at the idea that anyone that is attracted to a large person must have a fetish. There are fat fetishists, of course, but sometimes it’s just a preference and no one calls it a disgusting fetish until the object of affection is a fat person.
This kinda reminds me of my feelings on fat. I hear a lot of people in the fat acceptance community say that “fat is beautiful.” Sometimes I feel like a bad activist because I don’t think that. I don’t think being fat takes away from someone’s looks. If they’re beautiful/hot/sexy/whatever, I don’t think being fat diminishes that at all, but I don’t think being fat is beautiful in and of itself.
This sort of thing is why I was hesitant to date for a long time. I had the idea that there must be someone wrong with anyone willing to date a fat girl, and therefore I didn’t want to date them. It kept me conveniently lonely and heartbreak-free for a long time.
On the other hand, if I had been conventionally beautiful I would probably have worried that anyone who wanted to date me was doing it for my looks.
I finally managed to parse out that you can like the way someone looks and also like them as a person. And also that some people are genuinely attracted to fat people exclusively or fat people in addition to thin people. I don’t anymore think there’s something wrong with that, because I don’t think there’s something wrong with me. It doesn’t come back to the self-hate anymore.
I don’t think everyone who is attracted to people who happen to be fat is a fetishist.
Having spent some time in “BBW/FA” social circles a few years back, I got a taste of how the other half lives. In other words, I learned how dehumanizing it feels to become an object of physical attraction to someone who doesn’t care to know the person behind the bod. I’m not generalizing about all men in this scene, but several that I met talked to and about the women surrounding them as if they were judging a dog show… talking about poundage and who has the best butt and best chest, etc.
But that kind of behavior isn’t exclusive to that scene – been to Hooter’s lately?
The question of whether it’s a fetish doesn’t matter much to me. I depends on how you define fetish. I don’t think exclusive attraction to fat people is any better or worse than exclusive attraction to thin people. I prefer to be with someone with enough flexibility and imagination to be attracted to different types of bodies and, above all, sexy brains.
I’m an FA (Fat Admirer). I’ve always preferred fat women. But I also seem to prefer brunettes (Alanis Morissette, Janeane Garofalo, etc.). I don’t know why it is.
But neither of these preferences is what really matters. Do you know how many fat brunettes there are out there?
Those two features are just what my eye is drawn to. That’s just what made me approach them (I’m married to my sexy fat Alanis Morissette now), but it was who they are as a person that determined whether I was interested in a relationship.
I’m tired of being demonized for admitting I’m an FA. It’s like members of Fat Acceptance treat FAs like the religious right treats gay people.
Yes, there are definitely some creepy FAs out there, but being an FA is not easy in this society. We’re told from the get go that skinny=pretty, fat=ugly, so there’s this credibility gap that we’re compensating for. Are we weird because we’re FAs or are we FAs because we’re weird? Who knows.
But just as you don’t want to be judged solely on your body, I don’t want to be judged solely on my taste.
Peace,
Shannon
This is a very interesting post, and very relevent to my interests. Because I am a FA, fat admirer, myself.
There is a reason for people to be the way they are, and people like me exist for some reason in world that absolutely hates fatness.
But whether or not it is a fetish is illrelevant, a person should be free to choose their preference, as long as they do no harm somebody and their feelings.
To me, fat is beautiful, attractive, and sexy; overwhelming softness akin to pure love. Unfortunately, I realize that since I am quite ‘obsessed’ with fatness, it could be a ‘fetish’ of sorts; but I say it’s a fun fetish that makes life more enjoyable. I am grateful to God everyday for me being this way… I am very happy. :)
i am a 36yr old irishman who absolutely adores ssbbws and their beautiful huge soft bodies. living in a narrowminded, media-drone society it absolutely sickens me that because mainstream society is subservient to a ‘slim is beautiful, mentality, fat admirers like myself are treated like sexual deviants and beautiful fat & obese women are made to feel ugly and forced to slim down because of a global media-induced stereotype. There are plenty of magnificent ssbbws that eat a balanced diet and are physically active, likewise there are plenty of slim women with high cholesterol who lead sedantary lives. i am a fat-admirer and i am extremely proud of that because that is what i am physically attracted to, just as another man is attracted to a slim size 8. There is no deviation there. i would condemn an inactive & unhealthy lifestyle at any size but the point is there are beautiful healthy ssbbws and beautiful healthy slim women. my personal preference is for very fat women and no i dont think they should slim down. The issue hear is the MEDIA STEREOTYPE MACHINE and our INCESSANT SUBSERVIENCE TO IT. When we stop listening to that and start admitting what we ourselves are attracted to, then HOPEFULLY MORE SSBBWS will gain the confidence to see them selves as the sexy beautiful fat goddesses they really are. SSBBWS FOREVER.
I once read that our society has a fetish for thin women. Look how much everyone appears to be attracted to it and the boundless ways to get thin and beautiful. I call the thin ideal a narrow view of beauty that I would like to see changed. If this makes any sense, thin is both the ideal and normalized as the only way to truly exist in this culture.
Men who are attracted to fat women would not be suspect if we had a wider view of beauty. I have a family member who married a fat woman and says he is attracted to fat women. The thin bigots can’t understand how he can be attracted to a fat woman. He has dated women of varying sizes and as far as I know he was not be attracted to fat women exclusively. Could it be possible that he is married to her because he loves her for her own sake? That’s been my experience, attraction is great and fun at first but it is the person who counts most.
I think attraction means just that, attraction. I think of a fetish as directly related to sexual gratification. A man who thinks large women are desirable because they appeal to his sense of beauty or any other good or bad reasons has a form of attraction which may vary in degree.
A man who only lusts after fat women and sees them as objects to fulfill his desire has a fetish. Or he may be just a creep who uses a specific type of woman for these purposes. Men who just use women for sex are just creeps. I would move him to the fetish to the creep category if our beauty standards were not so extremely narrow.
There is nothing any more wrong with being attracted to fat people than with being attracted to thin people…or tall people, or redheads. Attraction is one thing, genuine, deep love of a specific human being is another & may have nothing to do with who is your ‘type’. And certainly far from all men who prefer fat women are creeps or predators & you will find creeps, predators, shallow people, with ALL kinds of preferences. I would say indeed that obsession with thinness & the image given by the popular media is a fetish & that there are plenty of nasty, creepy, predatory men who think they are god’s gift & deserve supermodels. Being an FA is NOT being a fetishist, in & of itself. The tall, dark, handsome, athletic man (talk about socially acceptable sex objects!) who loves me loves ME for who I am as a person, & he is not an A, but he can certainly appreciate my body for its roundness, softness, etc.
And I REALLY loved the comment given by the woman who said that she didn’t want someone to be attracted to her for her ‘bad eating habits.’ Nice way to show your own ignorance & prejudices there, lady, since body size & eating habits have remarkably little to do with each other!
And
Apparently, if you like to look at thin people, you’re normal. If you like to look at fat people, you’re a creepy fetishist.
I used the phrase “like to look at” for a reason. Physical attraction =/= overall attraction. I happen to dig long dark hair and a beard on guys. If a guy with those characteristics walked by me on campus, I’d most likely smile and think “Ooooh!”. However, if there was a clean-shaven blond guy with short hair in one of my college classes who seemed nice, I’d want to get to know him. And maybe date him if we really clicked.
I wouldn’t mind if I walked by a guy who likes fat girls and he thought “Ooooh!”. I would mind if he tried to get me in the sack at a party without even knowing my name, because he thought fat girls were hot. There’s a big difference between the two.
Hi
I would bet that just like the many men with fetishes that focus on Fat Women, that there are a similar number of men with fetishes pertaining to thin women on various forums. The reality is that there are numerous groups of men out there that trade photos of different parts of the female anatomy. I would classify that these men have fetishes and most of their targets are thin women.
A lot of us guys are sick puppies :)
What I do not like is that so many men with Fat Fetishes have ingrained themselves into the Fat Acceptance Community, especially during the early years.
Fat Acceptance will always be associates with feeders and fetishes.
William
@William: Thin worship is associated with compelling people to lose weight. Is that not also a fetish?
@Patsy: I especially agree with your last paragraph. Guys don’t generally care what you eat, as long as you’re attractive to them.
@Shannon: People who judge you negatively on your taste, especially fat women, usually hate themselves and find it hard to imagine that others could love them.
I find that FAs are on average more civil than Thin Admirers (TAs?). A lot of TA’s think that if they’re not attracted to somebody, then no one else should be, either.
Jimbo from Rose is Rose doesn’t have a fat fetish – why would he have married Rose in that case? He does prefer the look of a fat woman, though. By the way, Rose’s mother is a fantastic example of a fat woman in a comic strip. She lives life to the fullest, everyone (even animals!) loves her, and she can seemingly accomplish anything, especially when performing grandmotherly activities.
Conversations around so-called “fat fetishism” (and, particularly, around men who are attracted to fat women), tend to ignore the larger context in which those normative (thin, white, large-breasted) bodies “approved” as objects of desire are often to just objects (and thus fetishized), and accorded little respect.
From a feminist perspective, why not throw out the word “fetish” and that entire question and instead ask, of any person in any sexual relationship with any other person, “Does zie respect hir as a fellow human being and treat hir accordingly, before, during, and after sex?”
If the answer’s yes, then cool.
If not, then there’s a problem, no matter what drew them together.
Everything else is socially constructed policing of pleasure.
I think where this conversation has gone wrong is that contributors have automatically associated men that like Fat Women with the Men with Fat Fetishes that have aligned themselves with Fat Acceptance.
There are plenty of men dating and married to Fat Women who are no weirder than the online and offline women who are attracted to Fat Men.
Then there are the men with Fat Fetishes and all the negativity associated with them.
William
I think only being attracted to fat people is no different than only being attracted to thin people, blonde people and foreign people. It’s stupid how no one bats an eye if someone says “I only date guys taller than me” but “I only date women fatter than me” is met with accusations of fetish and mental problems.
Then again, it makes me uncomfortable when people talk about wanting a person just because they’re blonde, fat, tall, etc. They couldn’t care less about the person, they come across as only caring about the conquest. Mountains are conquests, pie eating is a conquest. People are people.
Personally, I’m attracted to thin, fat, male, female, black, white, abled and disabled and everything inbetween.
From a feminist perspective, why not throw out the word “fetish” and that entire question and instead ask, of any person in any sexual relationship with any other person, “Does zie respect hir as a fellow human being and treat hir accordingly, before, during, and after sex?”
If the answer’s yes, then cool.
If not, then there’s a problem, no matter what drew them together.
Yay Miriam – I love this :)
I’m a redhead, and back in my single days I would say most of the men who asked me out would use the phrase, “I’ve always had a thing for redheads,” at some point on the first date. It creeped me out. Often they would come right out and ask me “if the carpet matches the drapes.” If a guy uttered either of those two phrases, it would be our last date, because it made me feel like he wanted me to fulfill this fantasy he had so he could cross it off of his list of things to do before he died.
If a man acts this way about fat women, it’s not ok. But if a man looks at women and thinks certain characteristics are more attractive, I think that’s different. Personally, I always liked tall, brunette men, but I married a blonde guy. If your preference overrides all else, it’s a little odd. If it’s just a preference, but deep down it’s the person on the inside that matters, that seems more normal to me.
What’s wrong with a man liking a woman because of a particular attribute? Aren’t larger women already separated from society enough?
Be happy that someone is attracted to you.
I have nothing positive to say about Tyra Banks.
Personally, I find larger women attractive and I simply count that as a preference, because there’s a whole lot of other things I find attractive in a person than just the circumference of their hips.
I think it’s important for people to realize that these fetishes should not effect how you think about matters. Tyra tried to tie-in fat fetishism with fat acceptance and I was steamed. I advocate size acceptance because I advocate any type of social activism. I believe that all people have the right to exist without the fear of petty bullying or social injustice, and perhaps my sense of attraction helped launch that idea, but progressiveness is basically my thing.
I keep work and play separate.
I also fucking hate feeders. They’re morons.
I actually did see that episode, and to be honest, I was one of the ones cringing (not in the audience, but from the privacy of my own home).
To be quite honest I don’t really care to hear graphic details about anyone’s sex life (except maybe Brad and Ange ofc!) be them fat, skinny, tall, short, hetero-, bi-, or homosexual.
I think part of it is the whole extreme aspect of it. The audience would have the same reaction if it was a short man and a very tall woman, a younger man with an older woman, or an extremely gorgeous (by society’s standards anyway) woman with an average or less than attractive man. Or (were this a few decades ago) a couple of different races.
They say opposites attract, but truthfully, people in couples tend to be pretty similar in both personality and appearance. It is possible that the audience subconsciously knows this, and can’t get their head around how “someone like him” could be attracted “someone like her” (or even vice-versa, cuz it’s not like the guy is a looker).
And come on, can Tyra really be blamed 100% for this one? I doubt she or her producers put a gun to this couple’s head and threatened to have them come on the show. The show itself has been on long enough for people to know what they’re getting into.
In response to Patsy’s comment:
“And I REALLY loved the comment given by the woman who said that she didn’t want someone to be attracted to her for her ‘bad eating habits.’ Nice way to show your own ignorance & prejudices there, lady”
She wasn’t necessarily speaking for fat people as a whole, could have been just her personally who has bad eating habits.
Technically for something to be a fetish “The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” (From the DSM, which is basically the psychiatric diagnostic bible.) Though it’s not an explicit criteria of determining whether something is a fetish, a major sign of a fetish is that the person cannot become sexually aroused without it.
Individuals tend to have their own preferences, and probably cut off points – frankly, I prefer bigger guys (though I’ve also dated thin guys), but there is some point after which I don’t find the person physically attractive at first glance. If my fiance radically changed in size it wouldn’t change how I feel about him because I know and love him as a person. But if I’m deciding whether a random person on the street is physically attractive or not knowing nothing else about him, then there is a minimum and maximum size he could be.
I’m a bi woman, and the men I find attractive are nearly always fat. Among my (generally accepting) friends, my statements on “who’s attractive” are frequently mocked, held to be ‘ker-A-zily unpredictable’ or really weird. I refused to acknowledge many of my crushes as a young woman for fear that they were strange (stranger even than my queer experiences; I came out at 15 but was only able to acknowledge my size preferences 3 years later). As a result, the FFA (female fat admirer) community was one of the only places I felt safe talking about my sexual preferences, where it felt normal, where the elements of the human body that I found attractive were “just common sense” as opposed to disgusting. It wasn’t hard to jump to the conclusion that I was a fetishist and/or that my sexuality was twisted, warped. Especially when visual objectification was my only access to the chubbier men I found so appealing, since I was too mortified to approach them (since then I’ve found my courage, thank goodness). I know it’s not a fetish; I’ve dated a whole range of folks. Yet…I can’t help thinking that it *feels* fetishistic in some respects–partially because the body parts I find the sexiest, like love handles, a belly, thighs, etc., are not supposed to be discussed or shown on “sexy” men. It’s as if most erotica is secretly labeled “thin person erotica.” Is it any wonder that I search for “fat erotica” but then feel like a creeper doing it?
(Also, sometimes if I tell a fellow I like him and that his fat is attractive to me, he’ll freak out and want to be liked “in spite” of the fat. I bet if I told a musclehead that I liked him because of his definition, he’d think it was a compliment, not a sign that I’m a psycho! Alas.)
I remember that from Rose is Rose too! It always made me smile.
I am on the fence with everything with the chubby chasers, on one hand I like that there are people that would find my size an attractive part of me as much as I like someone thinking I have pretty eyes or hair. On the other I don’t want to have that be something that has to stay as bodies can change as we age or I might get really sick and well…who knows? I also get creeped out if it is the only thing they are after just like someone staring at my boobs. Just makes me uncomfy, ya know?
My current relationship started from an online game, I know I am not what he would generally be attracted to and until he knew what I looked like in real life he was one of the people who made fat jokes. He fell in love with my personality and even though I tried like holy hell to push him away and even sent him pictures of my stretchmarks via camera phone he didn’t care and kept telling me I was beautiful and he loved me and every bit of me, even if I did not, because they were all pieces of me. Parts of the person he fell in love with.
It all just makes me think of the person who wrote about large women either having to be loved in spite of their size or because of it and both kind of suck. It does but I think it does for everyone. Everyone is insecure about themselves on some level, we all have something we don’t like no matter what we look like or how acceptable it is.
I’m with Miriam. Even if you have a fetish (be it feeding, S&M, feet, balloons, furries, whatever), as long as the people involved are consensual in their fetish, then I don’t see what the problem is.
We’re all wired differently. It doesn’t mean I’m defective and you’re normal. It’s just who you are. Unless a person is shoving their fetish in your face or trying to convince you to do things you don’t want to do, then I see live and let live.
I don’t like it when people lump an entire group together and say, “These people are creepy.” Even people within a certain fetish range from the mild to the extreme, from people who simply fantasize about their fetish to people who act on it, damn the consequences.
If it’s between consenting adults, then I’m okay with it.
Peace,
Shannon
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Before i make my post, to the person who said “Be happy that someone is attracted to you,” that just.. comes off as really awful. Because fatties should just take what we gan get, right? All I can do is assume you’re a troll from the name and url you used, but way to be condescending.
ANYHOW, my feelings are in turmoil over this subject, which I think about a *lot.* I’m bisexual and while I don’t really have much of a physical look I am attracted to in guys (other than, well “normal.” It’s more intangible with men, I don’t automatically find a guy attractive if he has a certain hair color or build, though glasses are a definite plus) but with women there’s a definite type that I like, and I find it’s a source of a lot of guilt on my part; I am large, but visually I am more attracted to petite women. It drives me crazy, I feel like I’m objectifying women in the same way I try to rail against, but then again.. we can’t help what we’re attracted to, can we?
Anyway, I’ve never been one who wanted to be associated with “chubby chasers” or fat fetishists or whatever you want to call them; I like Fat Admirers. Anyway, that has always made me so uncomfortable; I feel like I don’t want someone telling me the things I hate about myself are attractive. I don’t want someone saying “I love how your butt jiggles,” you know? And maybe that’s just the crux of it; we spend so much time telling ourselves “These are the parts of us that suck” that it’s disconcerting and even a bit disturbing when someone is telling us they are attractive.
I think it’s only a fetish if the relationship falls apart upon loss of that attribute. If Jim is happily married to Susan until she decides to get fit and happens to drop four clothes sizes in the process, and then he can’t look at her anymore because her breasts shrank and he can see her collarbones–sorry, Susan, he wasn’t in love with you; he was in love with his physical ideal, and she isn’t here anymore. Although I don’t know whether I would call this a fetish as much as a fixation, an inability to accept that people change. Like people who go through one relationship after another with partners in a certain age group, dumping them when they age out.
Likewise, if it’s–as a previous poster said–coming across as something a guy wants to cross off his life list (sex with a genuine redhead, camp in the Sierra Nevada, sex with a fat brunette, buy my ideal sports car, sex with a . . . ), that is more shallow than fetishistic IMO. OTOH, “I first noticed her because she has exactly the kind of figure that makes me sweat, but dude, we _clicked_” is just the way people often meet.
I don’t like it when people lump an entire group together and say, “These people are creepy.”
I agree. Men and women who date or marry fat people because they don’t care about weight and can see other qualities in them which they’re attracted to should not be labeled chubby chasers or having a fetish.
Of course, we’ve been so conditioned to think of fat as physically gross, especially in women, that any man who isn’t fat and considered conventionally attractive that does want to be with a large woman simply because he wants to be is considered a freak.
First of all, I used to watch Tyra and I found her to be fairly body-positive, compared to other shows. I don’t know what she’s like now, but I was pretty happy with her conduct concerning weight and body size in other shows. In this case, I do not think it was good of Tyra to open the forum to her audience because of what could have and to some extent did ensue.
I don’t personally mind that my body type can be fetishized. I refuse to be treated in any manner just for my body, whether that treatment be seen as good or bad.
I have my own fetish so I know what it’s like to be aroused by something, even though you’re trying to control that feeling. In fact, the Tyra Show did a bit on my fetish too: Tickling. In my experience, when a person has a fetish, they can not control being aroused when they see, hear, smell, taste, touch that thing (or act in the case of paraphilias).
You also have to remember that when faced with a sexual preference you do not share, you’re going to react to it… it doesn’t mean you find it wrong or disgusting, it’s that you’re not familiar with it.
All in all, I think this show may have opened the door for people to see that, yeah, men do like fat women. We’re not sexless spinsters whose only lover is the potato chip bag. We have and enjoy sex. We get on top of the man sometimes! We are okay with who we are.
I’m not saying that it’s good or okay to put someone up there and display them as a freak with freak sexual fetishes and habits. I think that’s how it may have looked or even ended up… But I would rather look on the bright side.
Arkeveen said:
There is a reason for people to be the way they are, and people like me exist for some reason in world that absolutely hates fatness.
As a confirmed FA, I agree. As they say, “every pot has its lid” and “it takes all kinds to make the world go round.” What a boring world this would be if everyone were Barbie and Ken.
I have always been attracted to very big women. I just flat out admit it. I find it incredibly sexy. I never considered it a “fetish” just the way i liked women. I ended up marrying a very large girl, and we are both happy. She always saw herself as ugly ONLY because she was fat.. I saw this as so sad and had to tell her, that many MANY men are attracted to bigger women.
After reading all of this I know it’s hard to take the fat admirer aspect seriously. I think it’s really good for fat admirers to read stuff like this so that they can limit how they perceive a woman visually, as not to creep a woman out. No good can come from attempting to explain to a big woman that her body faintly resembles some kind of prehistoric venus figurine version of fat perfection (to him). Instead of comforting a woman, it freaks her out.
For fat admirers to have places like this to help them understand how women think will be really helpful to those who have the patience and determination to learn and improve (be less creepy).
I got really lucky in finding “the one” but personality really was the most important “feature” from the beginning, as I will explain.
When a woman would start putting herself down and complaining about guys who just like “big boobs” it would turn me off like a light switch. When I was so fortunate to come across a woman online who “sold” her look to me like a full size luxury car, I was really eager to meet her because she “was totally cool with the fat admirer thing”. She only had a face photo, but from what she had read about fat admirers, she listed off some of her physical attributes openly.
She was recently educated about the mere existence of the term “ssbbw” (super size big beautiful woman) and she was so up front in order not to have any “surprises” about her size upon first meeting.
I think we all get opportunities over the course of our lives, and I think those who reject getting to know potential partners repeatedly are putting too much blame on their body, maybe even projecting imaginary faults upon anyone who will pursue them to begin with.
As a guy, it’s hard to imagine ruling out someone who is physically attracted to me because I would be flattered by it. Just combine being attracted to me with being “rounded” to a degree that is impossible for me to describe, and there is chemistry. Combine that with a personality that is open, receptive, and curious, and there is magic.