Comments on: BFD Advice Column

By: Krystal

Krystal — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:24:10 +0000

I’m so sorry for you. Honestly. My heart is breaking just reading this.

It’s not you; it’s him. He’s a cad, a cheater, and a liar, and it’s not because of how you look. It’s easier for him to blame it on you than to admit that he’s running around because he’s a scumbag.

Take care of yourself. I know that you don’t want to be a single mother, but I don’t want to see you (or anyone!!) put into the position that you’re in right now for life. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved, and not just loved on. You’re in my thoughts. <3

By: midge

midge — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:08:05 +0000

As the daughter of a woman who stayed with a sex/alcohol addict because of fear of raising a child alone, I can tell you that when it is addiction, they don’t stop just because you are their daughter. The addiction is too hard for them to resist. I grew boobs and then it really started. I would hate for that to happen to any other child.

You and your child deserve better. The problem isn’t with you. It is him. And until he loses everything, he has no incentive to get help. You have tried to get it to stop. Don’t take his problem on as your responsibility. It is HIS issue. Not yours.

You take care of yourself and your baby. Those are the 2 most important things in your life. This man is toxic. He is not healthy. You and your baby have value, immeasurable worth, and are to be treasured.

I know I have never met you, but from the bottom of my heart – I LOVE YOU. You are strong and you will get through anything you come up against. Rely on family and friends when you need to. That’s what they are there for. I know that if you were my sister or friend or neighbor, I would do anything in my power to ease your burden. Don’t be too proud to ask.

Be strong, be healthy, and go grab the joy in life that you and your baby deserve so much.

By: spinsterwitch

spinsterwitch — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:31:49 +0000

You should take seriously the idea of a sex addiction, and seek some support for yourself. And check out COSA (http://www.cosa-recovery.org/).

By: Shinobi

Shinobi — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:52:30 +0000

Some people are just not cut out for monogamy, and I don’t necessarily think that there is anything wrong with that. (I absolutely think you can have sex with lots of people and be in love with just one person.)

However, there IS something wrong with making a commitment to be monogamous with someone else and continually breaking it. This person has made a commitment to the OP, and for whatever reason (Sex addiction, thrill seeking, etc and so forth) he is not able to fulfill that commitment.

It seems to me the person who has been misled in this circumstance is the OP. He was not honest with her about what he is (a lying cheating dirtbag.) He has led her to believe that he is a normal guy who will love her and be faithful to her, when in fact he will just decieve her and take advantage of her for as long as he can.

She has to find a way to believe that this is not her fault, because it simply isn’t. He is the problem. I don’t think that can be stated enough.

By: Laura

Laura — Sat, 02 May 2009 02:21:32 +0000

Sorry, one more thing. This is my first time commenting so I don’t know how to go back and edit. I know the idea of porn/sex addiction might sound preposterous to some people. I thought the same thing until my husband turned into a monster before my eyes. Please don’t automatically discount the idea!

By: Laura

Laura — Sat, 02 May 2009 02:16:53 +0000

He sounds like a classic sex/porn addict. Porn addiction can escalate just like any other drug and even lead to problems in the bedroom. He needs to seek help for himself. Please, please PLEASE, if you take one thing from this message, know that this isn’t about you. Even supermodels end up with sex addicts and cheaters. There is something lacking in him. It’s not that you aren’t enough for him, it’s that you are too much: too much of a real live, kind, generous, and loving woman. In a nutshell, he is scared of the real world, of you, and turns to fantasy and acting out with other women to cope with what is missing inside of himself. This problem usually gets worse before it gets better and you should seriously consider if you want to live with this the rest of your life. He can get better, but it takes a LOT of work on his part and he has o be willing to do it. You might want to check out a site called Recovery Nation that offers a healing program and support for the significant others of porn/sex addicts. Take care of yourself.

By: Meryt Bast

Meryt Bast — Sat, 02 May 2009 00:47:11 +0000

This guy sounds a lot like a man I wasted too much time with (we weren’t married, and he never denigrated my appearance, but the MO is about the same), an immature, thrill-seeking, abusive scumbag. Making the decision to leave him was hard; following through was easy, but I had supportive friends and family (even *his* family urged me to dump him).

OP: Your fiance’s behavior is not about you; I’m pretty sure he’d be the same with anyone else. Get rid of him (Carol Gwenn’s suggestions, in the original comments section, sound perfect). He’s not worth the pain. He’s already going to be in your life forever because of the baby, but you don’t have to put up with this horrendous disrespect. Reach out to those close to you; don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can do it! If I could, anyone can, seriously; it was mere weeks after my total thyroidectomy that I packed the U-Haul and split.

You deserve to be cherished and treated with respect. Accept nothing less. Best of luck to you and your sweet baby-to-be. *hug*

By: Meowser

Meowser — Fri, 01 May 2009 22:41:51 +0000

Oh, dude, I am so sorry.

I don’t think this has anything at all to do with your size, for whatever it’s worth. This guy is not just a cheater, he’s a lying cheater, and a bad liar at that, and to top it all off he expects you to believe his lousy lies. You can’t work with someone who refuses to be honest with you and treats you like you’re stupid. And it’s painfully obvious he’s not capable of monogamy, either. Not now, and maybe not ever.

Thin women run into this problem all the time. I know several personally. Fortunately for you, you are not financially dependent on him. It sounds like you could hire yourself an assistant or doula for not much more if any than you’re paying to support him. But anything he’s doing now he will do after the baby, and probably much worse. Having children often brings out the very worst in men like him, once the kids are old enough to talk and figure out what’s going on. Can you live with that?

By: Alice

Alice — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:30:34 +0000

OP: You deserve respect, and you’re the only person who can make that happen. I’m not going to go into specifics, since I’m not 100% sure I understand the details of your original comment, but You Deserve Respect.

Not some respect, not respect on his terms with other women on the side, not any half-assed respect. Real respect. Raising a child as a single parent will be hard, but raising a child while also trying to accommodate a disrespectful manipulative partner isn’t better, given what you’ve said. Get a support system together for yourself to help you through this, and stick to your guns. You and your child deserve that.

By: G

Fri, 01 May 2009 19:32:21 +0000

The op seems to be concerned with “being alone” but right now alone might be the best solution. Based on her post he doesn’t seem interested in maintaining a relationship with her. I would look into finding a therapist to discuss the chanllenges that may come up in the next few months, years, so that you can make positive decisions for yourself.

I found my therapist through psychology.com. I had to do some real searching to find someone who “got me” but it has been worth it.