Skinny Girl Asks "Is My Body Beautiful Too?"
I received an e-mail from Alyssa, and I thought it was worth talking about in an entry. She asks if she can be “skinny” and “built like a 12-year-old boy” and still be considered “beautiful.” Here’s her e-mail (bolding mine):
I am 5′6″ and 112 lbs. I have a small bone structure and a really high metabolism. I have been skinny my whole life, and I am a “ruler body shape” meaning it’s hard for me to gain weight or build muscle, and I have pretty much 0 curves (My chest and my waist are 1 in. apart in their measurements.:( ) and I HATE it.
My best friend is very curvy and has really nice legs and a butt and chest and her body builds really nice muscle when she works out. She says she feels like a hippo, but every time I look at her body, I feel sick to my stomach about my own and would give anything to have some of her curves.
I feel like a 12 yr. old boy. I never wear shorts or anything tight b/c I feel so insecure about how unshapely I am. and I refuse to wear swimsuits. I haven’t even owned a swimsuit since I was 12 years old. (I am 24 now.) There have even been points in my life where people have asked if I have an eating disorder b/c of skinny I am. But I eat at least 3 meals a day (usually more) and often times a lot of junk food. I almost never workout. and I’ve been at the same weight since I was a freshman in highschool.
I know this probably sounds really stupid, but I’ve seriously burst out crying in my car in the middle of the day just thinking about it. From my perspective, it seems like the people with some kind of curves are perceived to be most beautiful. Celebrities for instance, i know they’re typically not overweight but you look at who gets voted for the best body or best legs or best butt, and you will almost never see someone who is built like I am. I know; I’ve done research on it. Also, you see all these women who get chest implants b/c they don’t want to be flat. Because the curves are considered womanly and beautiful and desirable.
Today I typed into my search engine, “can you be skinny and beautiful?” and came across this site. I know that most people are struggling in the reverse direction on here, so maybe this is the wrong place to post this. But, again, I thought I’d try anyway to see if anyone had any perspective on this.
Can you be a 24 year old female who is built like a 12-year-old boy and have a beautiful body or be considered beautiful? It seems impossible b/c you don’t really have much of a body to begin with. I just don’t know what to do or what to think. Maybe someone has thoughts or suggestions?
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that people who are skinny can have the same kinds of insecurities as those of us who are not skinny do. They don’t fit into “the mold” either. Because you’re supposed to have curves, but the right kind of curves, and just the right amount.
And a lot of the answers are the same for people on both sides of the coin: don’t let the media tell you what “beautiful” is. Don’t let their ridiculous standards suck you in. Stay aware, stay alert. There are no standards you have to live up to; your self-worth isn’t based on how well you adhere to some invented system of what is or is not beautiful. Don’t buy into it.
Kari answered Alyssa here. I would love to hear what the rest of you think.
Posted by mo pie
In a word, Alyssa, yes. Yes YES YEESS!!
I’d like to go on a whole diatribe, here, but I just keep hearing yes, yes, yes, 1,000 times yes.
Also? Yes.
I have tears. Seriously, I want to hug this woman. I think we all have to remember that it is so truly rare in this society for ANY woman, no matter her size, to be 100% fully comfortable with her body 100% of the time. We all have flaws. It’s about defining beauty for yourself and not letting any one else tell you what it should or should not be.
How wonderful that us fat girls have a place like this blog where we can find support and solidarity in each other to build us up and strengthen us against the world that is so prejudiced against fat but the whole point of this place and others like it is that bodies come in a range of sizes and shapes and there is beauty in every single one of them.
And on that note, I really liked Tammy’s response so I’ll just end this with..
also? yes.
Oh, Alyssa, of course you can be beautiful!
I know your side of the coin to a certain extent, too, because I was quite thin once upon a time and pretty much devoid of curves. I’m now fat and more or less ovular in shape instead of the societally-desirable hourglass.
You know what? I was beautiful when I was thin. I’m beautiful now. I’ve been beautiful at every size I’ve been. Why? Because I’m alive and involved in the world.
Not everyone can see my beauty. Not everyone will see yours. That’s okay. The important thing is that you try to see it in yourself. Kari had some damn good advice. Don’t try to turn on self-awareness like a lightswitch. Do it in manageable increments. If you can’t see beauty in your figure, look for it in your face, your hair, your sense of personal style, your physical prowess, or your personality. I can guarantee you that you have some beauty somewhere that you can appreciate right here and right now.
The key is to remember it when you find it, and keep looking for more.
Oh, and the next time someone compliments something about you, try to just say ‘thank you’ and believe they mean it. When you feel bad about yourself, it can be difficult to believe that others sincerely mean it when they compliment you. Ninety nine times out of a hundred, they really do mean it. What are the real chances that you’re only talking to that one per cent who would lie or flatter you for their own gain? Pretty low.
Yes, most of us in this community are fat. We may not always completely ‘get’ every issue connected with being thinner than society appreciates, but we sure as hell understand what it is to be considered unattractive purely because our bodies don’t automatically conform to an impossible societal standard. We know that non-conformity – whether voluntary or in – is not the same as ugliness or unworthiness.
Yes, Alyssa, you are already beautiful.
Sometimes it takes the world a while to catch on, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re fine just the way you are.
I will echo wholeheartedly: YES!!
Ideally, all people will realize that other people’s opinions of your body are totally irrelevant, because nobody’s body is anybody else’s business. (Your health and happiness may be the business of close friends and family and such, but your attractiveness most certainly is not – only you matter there.) There are a great many people with more eloquent and persuasive ways than I have to express this, so I’ll leave that to them.
Instead I’ll share my thought-process-of-last-resort for when I get seriously down about my own attractiveness: people who will only associate with someone that they think everyone else finds drop-dead gorgeous are NEVER people who are worth your emotional investment even if you do get a chance to know them better. Status will always be their first priority, so you’ll always come second at best…and generally far lower than that. There is absolutely no point in letting these people’s opinions matter to you.
This means that you only need to worry about attracting people who think more than physical looks are required for someone to be truly beautiful. Happily, there are a great many of these people and their tastes and perspectives are so variable that for any given body, some people will find that body attractive want to get to know the owner of that body better. Even more happily, inner beauty has a tendency to improve outer beauty in the beholder’s eyes, such that someone who may think they prefer much curvier women could really and truly come to desire your body over any other because they desire you more than any other. Really. If they’re incapable of this then they fall in the first category of status-mongers, and are back to being irrelevant to our self-esteem.
So YES you are beautiful, right now! And anyone who can’t see that isn’t worth worrying over – really.
I guess I’ll be the vain one. I have two stepbrothers that won’t date anyone with boobs or curves. They like the model look. It just shows beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. The most important thing is to get out there and feel confident. Wear a swimsuit, wear shorts. Pretend you’re a model and wear the tiniest bathing suit you can find. The only thing people will feel is jealous of you.
Honestly, I’m probably going to get shot down for this, but I can’t be the only one who’s tired of this whole “real woman” and “curvy” shit. Semantics that only work in the favor of a very specific body type that, again, most of the world isn’t built like. “Real women” are carbon-based mammalian lifeforms classified as hominids that happen to be female. “Curvy” is problematic because it’s taken on a use similar to “healthy” in the way people use it against other people. It’s telling people that, if you aren’t curvy, you aren’t -blank- enough.
Yeah, even I have to remind myself that skinny people go through the same shit we do. It’s not black-and-white. Since the beginning of time, humans have come up with new ways to act superior to their fellow human, and be it fat, in between or skinny, size acceptance means we all get a piece of the body-hate pie.
/trying to be existential and just sounding dumb.
I’ll put it on the line here: of course women of all shapes and sizes and colors are beautiful.
However, there are a lot more role models and a lot less ridicule for women with boyish figures. I’m sorry, there just are. Keira Knightley got to star as Elizabeth Bennet. Where I live, if you’re in (gasp!) double digits in dress size, you’re invisible at best. A size zero is still at the center of acceptability — just turn on the television. Sorry, I sympathize with all women with body issues, trust me — but it’s simply not true that all women of all sizes have the same social stigma.
Alyssa,
Think about your favourite male celebrities, the ones you think are hot, or the ones the general public seems to think are hot. They come in a very wide variety of shapes and sizes, with vastly different builds and features, and they all have “flaws” and that’s okay.
Women are the same. No, really, even thought the media doesn’t think so. But I promise, for every woman who thinks George Clooney or Cillian Murphy is the hottest thing since sliced bread, there are guys (and women, I don’t mean to be so heteronormative) who like their women curvy or straight or squishy or firm or tall or petite and every other variation. Men have some pressure to have athletic builds and reign in the beer gut, but there are also a vocal number of women who just adore really skinny guys (especially the J-Pop fangirls). I suspect that men are less vocal about it when they like women whose bodies deviate from what they’re “supposed” to want (big ass/boobs, tiny waist) because they’re afraid of being ridiculed by other guys for seeming “weird.” But trust me, for every body type there is there are a lot of people who find it attractive, even if they don’t shout it out (and even if the mainstream tries to ignore it).
Many models are famously skinny and don’t have much curves to them. When I rewatched Season 1 of Dexter recently with my mom, I remember being really struck by how skinny Dexter’s sister is, and then struck again by how her boyfriend was just as skinny. Both of them are very attractive, beautiful people (the actors – the character of her boyfriend.. well, different strokes XD). Everyone adores Cillian Murphy, especially after his role in the Batman franchise reboot, and he’s pretty skinny. I think there are a lot more women who are upheld as paragons as beauty that are very thin and not-curvy than there are noticeably overweight women. NOT to say that your body issues are any less real than fat women’s, but I think there’s a lot more evidence that Hollywood at least considers your body type beautiful.
But as others have said, not only is beauty in the eye of the beholder, but it’s also a product of the beheld – for me, confidence and charm are beautiful, and they both go a LONG way towards affecting how others view you. Much more than your cup size, in my experience.
What Kai said.
And yes, you not only “can” be beautiful, Alyssa, you ARE beautiful. Be good to yourself.
size acceptance means we all get a piece of the body-hate pie
Well put!
Also, human metabolisms differ. People who weigh a lot less than average (or than the declared “healthy” norms) are not necessarily starving themselves–people who weigh a lot more than average (or than the declared “healthy” norms) are not necessarily stuffing themselves.
It’s ridiculous to look at another human being and think you can diagnose their medical and psychological issues from a mere eyeballing.
Can I point out something that always seems to get lost in these conversations? Your body doesn’t HAVE to be beautiful. Why should people be required to be beautiful just because they’re women? I hate that, even among feminists, the idea that hey, maybe it’s OK for not everyone to be beautiful is often overlooked in favor of “oh no, everyone is beautiful”.
“Your body doesn’t HAVE to be beautiful.”
I love this. Seriously, love it….want to hug and squeeze and gobble up this sentence like a bit fat slice of tiramisu.
Im so tired of the idea of ‘beauty’..the debate over what is beautiful, the anxious rush to shove every possible aspect of a woman into this category…this endless struggle to be accepted as beautiful..its exhausting…
Just telling yourself ‘You dont owe anyone beauty’ its the most freeing thing Ive ever heard.
I began to realize I was beautiful when I realized people like Alyssa have as many, if not more insecurities than I do.
Here’s my very simple answer to whether or not skinny people are beautiful: they are if they know they are.
To me, beautiful and sexy come with confidence. My personal preference for women usually is someone with curves, but I tend to be attracted to women who have their own personal style and know they can pull it off. My eye usually slides right over women who lack a certain kind of fierceness.
My advice is to find the fashion you feel good in and what makes you happy and go with that. It’s a good first step, because eventually, as you see the beauty in what you wear eventually you’ll connect that with your own image and begin to look forward to watching yourself in the mirror. As you begin to focus on the things you like (even if it’s just your hair or the curve of your neck) the things you don’t like will start to fade into the background.
always remember that ‘real women’ don’t always have curves. real women come in all shapes and sizes, all of which are amazing. some people may not appreciate your body the way it is but there are many other people out there that will. the most important thing however, is to focus on being healthy and happy for yourself. if all else fails try looking at photos of beautiful celebrities that share your body type – i know that helped me realize that my total lack of boobs didn’t mean that there was something wrong with me. also, i know you mentioned that you don’t do any exercise, but maybe you should start. not only is it healthy for anyone at any size to do some aerobic exercise each week, seeing how much your body can do may make you feel better about it.
First off, I love what Cassandra and Karen said about how you don’t owe it to anyone to be beautiful. So true, but the leap from that to loving yourself and not caring is a very hard one.
As far as looks themselves, go, being thin or fat or curvy or muscular or short or tall or anything, really, is not the be all and end all of beauty. The celebrities and models we’re expected to emulate present a type that nobody fits into, not even their un-photoshopped selves. Every woman and most men can stand in front of a mirror in their underwear and harsh unnatural light and tick off a dozen things they hate about themselves. I think the first step is realizing that that’s this reflexive habit that means nothing at all.
I once spent a subway ride to work forcing myself to look at everyone I saw with the same harsh, critical eye I was using on myself at the time. My god, it was awful! People were so odd-looking. Noses and faces just stuck out all over the place and everyone had flyaway hair and awkwardly shaped bodies. Then I blinked and the effect went away. It sounds cruel, and maybe it was, but it really helped me see how harshly I’ve judged my own looks.
Love your strengths, ignore your faults. Take care of yourself – get enough sleep and eat plenty of tasty, healthy food (and some tasty, less healthy food or even not-so-tasty food if you’re really hungry). Try to get faster or stronger or more flexible or something just because it feels good and you can.
I think half of physical attractiveness is confidence and the ability to carry yourself as if you’re beautiful. The other half is in the eye of the beholder and you can’t control what anyone else will find attractive. Personally, body shape doesn’t matter all that much but I cannot stand bleached blond hair with tanned skin. Other people love that look. It’s the same way with everything – some people adore a look, others can’t stand it, but most are in between and can be swayed by other factors. If someone doesn’t like the way you, look, it’s their problem, not yours.
Also, I think I need to point out that I am quite possibly the most long-winded. Ever. Eep!
Entangled – Agreed. It took me a long time to realise that I never judge other people as harshly as I judge myself, and I think that’s true for most people, especially women. If you look at people seeking flaws, you’ll find them, even in the most stunning people.
Example – my #1 celebrity crush has incredibly crooked teeth. Now I’ve met this guy IRL, and honestly, I was too busy going HOLY CRAP HE’S HOT to pay any attention to the imperfect teeth. I mean I know they’re there, but when you’re looking at other people from a POV that doesn’t seek to find fault then stuff like that just doesn’t really matter.
Now if it was ME with the crooked teeth I’m sure I’d beat myself up over it, because God knows I do over everything else. And I know the guy himself beats himself up over it, because he’s taken to not smiling in pictures in an attempt to hide his teeth. But that’s the whole point – the things that we see as our own greatest flaws, people who find us attractive won’t care about at all, they’ll still find us attractive. And it will make them sad that we’re trying to hide parts of ourselves because we think they’re horrible flaws.
I know it’s easier said than done to cut ourselves the kind of slack we cut other people, but we need to try. And the fact that women more than men are expected to be beautiful and without flaws? That’s not because women are in some mystical way more in need of being beautiful, it’s just plain old sexism, and sexism is one of those things that really is genuinely ugly.
I absolutely agree with what everyone’s saying, especially the part where you don’t owe it to anyone to be “beautiful” (whatever that means in various contexts). That’s been the hardest thing for me to get my head around.
Honestly, I’m still working on it. It’s really hard to create a balance between learning to love your own body and appreciate that some people really do find it attractive, in spite of society’s standards, and keeping in mind that beauty isn’t the be all and end all, or even the most important thing about a person. Yeah, feeling pretty and knowing other people find us beautiful and/or sexy is a great feeling. But so is knowing other people think we’re smart, capable, trustworthy, inspirational, generous, or whatever other great qualities we might have.
In an ideal world, we’d all be trained from birth to know that there are people out there who find us beautiful. Yes, there are. No matter what we look like, there are some people somewhere who, on sight alone, will find us attractive. And there are other people who may not at first, but will come to find us visually appealing once they get to know and like what’s inside us (that’s a really interesting phenomenon, isn’t it?). And there are still other people who will never find us attractive. And that’s okay! They don’t have to! That doesn’t lessen our worth and it doesn’t mean that those people are wrong-headed. However, all of these people, no matter their preferences, should see us as worthwhile human beings with something to offer those around us, apart from our physical appearance.
Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Kat I’m going to have to go with you on this. I do feel for this woman and her body issues. But her concerns are only vaguely connected to what most of us here are dealing with and I don’t think we need to scramble to make her feel better about her body.
Her body is more socially acceptable than mine. Okay, you have a body like a 12 year old boy. My stomach looks like I’m 7 months pregnant. There is no TV or movie or group that will ever affirm my body type. As an apple, I have the kind of fat that is literally described as ‘death fat’. And please don’t talk about Botticelli etc. I live in the 21st century.
I feel angry reading this letter. I feel angry there are women on here who probably haven’t overeaten or eaten junk food in days, months, maybe years because they’re scared of gaining weight. And then they come here to read about someone who eats whatever the hell she wants and doesn’t gain weight.
And I’m sorry but the comments about Real Women have Curves are sounding a little like people who thought Black Power meant black men were going to come burn your house down. It was a way for an underprivileged group to instill pride in themselves and their culture.
I’m sorry, but I can’t have any sympathy here. My first reaction was to say, “suck it up”. To make an analogy of how I felt when I read that comment, she’s like a person with a common cold complaining of feeling sick to a person who has pneumonia.
Society validates her body type enough as it is. If she has a problem, it is of her own creation, not society-inflicted, and it is her job to put that to rights via counseling. I doubt she’ll be refused medical treatment, job promotion, attractive and affordable clothing in a variety of styles, or decent treatment by the opposite (or same) sex, just because she reports to have the body of a 12 year old.
Let’s not lose perspective here.
To Alyssa: You do NOT have the body of a 12 yr old boy. You have the body of a naturally thin, petite 24 yr old woman. Embrace it! Wear the skinny jeans and the poofy blouse.
Two of my three closest girlfriends in life have been exceptionally petite girls. One, prior to the Size 0 craze, often had to shop in children’s departments for her clothes. Belts were too big to cinch her jeans in so they would stay up, etc. Women treated them poorly, assuming they were heroin-chic anorexics, men often ignored them in favor of the thin-but-busty girls. But both of those women have become amazing, magnificent creatures of womanliness.
One is an accomplished NYC lawyer, thoroughly enjoying her social life. The other is happily married and the mother of 3 with a flourishing academic career.
Just as being fat doesn’t define my life, being skinny doesn’t have to define yours. Just enjoy it. Feel beautiful and you will BE beautiful.
I am amazed by people who choose to fight against discrimination and yet will turn on someone else. The very idea that this lovely woman turned to “us” for help and a few of you somehow don’t find her “worthy” of inclusion? I was under the impresssion that the whole point of this particular blog and others like it was to help everyone, men and woman, thin or fat, learn to accept, love and appreciate their bodies?
And as for the great idea that you don’t have to be beautiful for everyone else. That completely and utterly misses the point. The idea is not that every one has to conform to one ideal version of beauty but that there is beauty in everyone. To find the beauty and grace and power and strength in your own body will go a very long way in calming those insecurities, no matter what your size.
Finally, for the young lady in queston, pay attention to all the remarkable things your body can do and does do for you every day. Your body doesn’t define who you are but it’s also not your enemy.
I’m the same Kari here who made that comment – and I’m with Pauline. Just because someone has a “socially acceptable” body doesn’t mean that her feelings are not valid. To me, Fat Acceptance is not just changing perceptions and attitudes towards fat and fat people, but towards people as a whole. No matter how we look like, we’re constantly told that there’s something broken that needs to be fixed – too (insert descriptive word of choice here). Go do/buy this now, even if it burns a hole in your wallet, won’t work, or make you mentally exhausted. Rinse, wash, repeat.
It sounds idealist, but I would love for a day to come where everyone can be “perfect” just the way they are without persuing some crazy, screwed-up idea of beauty. When the ideal is the product of harmful and painful procedures, from cosmetic surgery to endless diets, don’t you think it’s better embracing yourself to find your happiness instead of chasing an impossible goal, which may not make you happy at all to begin with?
I think this goes to show that no one escapes body image issues. These issues are more complicated than one body type, one gender, one realm of thinking.
This post clearly brings that home; the documentary “Naked on the Inside” does as well.
And add me to the list with Kari and Pauline — I think competing over who suffers more body issues is a self-defeating argument, if not a little self-serving.
And what’s worse are a lot of people who do need support wind up slipping through the cracks because their concerns and fears aren’t “sufficient enough.”
Bottom line: in the long run, no one wins in a who-suffers-more competition.
I have all the compassion in the world for people like Alyssa, and really look forward to the day when she finds her own sense of beauty and lets the fears go. Keep pushin’ on and you’ll find the beauty within yourself, y’hear?
This:
“Your body doesn’t HAVE to be beautiful.”
And this:
“Just telling yourself ‘You dont owe anyone beauty’ its the most freeing thing Ive ever heard.”
gave me goosebumps.
Thank you for saying that, both of you. It’s honestly something that never occurred to me.
I’m a skinny girl, and I love this blog. Every time I read it, I feel better about my own body, and I often find the comments the most uplifting part. This time, however, I find myself incredibly offended and hurt at some of the comments made.
To Kat: I have never had the experience of being ridiculed or discriminated against for being overweight, and I recognize that there is a significant stigma against people who are heavier than the “norm,” but have you ever been accused of being anorexic just because you bought carrots at the grocery store? My point is, there is a social stigma against very thin people as well.
To Valerie: I read this blog because my issues surrounding my body image are very closely related to yours. It’s all about feeling good about what you have, regardless of society’s influences.
To Outis: Society doesn’t necessarily validate a boyish figure. Certainly models are on the boyish end of the spectrum, but actors’ bodies are usually within the “norm” and I find that people hold actors up as role models more often than models. Those who are skinnier and fatter than that “norm” both have to fight against society’s influences and prejudices. I can understand your frustration at the disparity between clothing choices for thin women and plus-size women, and the obvious prejudice in the medical system. However, my mother (from whom I inherited my bone structure and metabolism) was denied a promotion because she “just didn’t look healthy enough to handle the stress” and I’ve been denied decent treatment by both sexes. In fact, I’ve been called a “skinny bitch” for nothing more than glancing up and smiling at someone. In fact, you’re mistreating Alyssa here in your post by discriminating against her simply because she’s thin.
To Pauline and Kari: Thank you. I concur.
I just wanted to point out that all women can benefit from a body-positive attitude, whether they’re 100 or 300 lbs, and I thought I had found a blog to help me cultivate more acceptance of myself and others of all shapes and sizes. All women deserve to feel beautiful (however you interpret that word) and comfortable in their own skin, and that includes me and Alyssa.
Much as I feel for this girl, I have to say, I somewhat agree that it’s a little overboard to say “I know exactly how she feels!” or “Oh she’s endured the same thing I’ve endured” because it’s just not true. There are similarities, for sure, painful, awful, destructive self-hate inducing ones thanks to our fucked up culture, but it’s not the same. Trust me when I say that I certainly don’t want it to be. Prejudice and condescending assumptions aimed at one end of the spectrum is already one prejudice too many as far as I’m concerned (and I’m not assuming it’s the only prejudice out there, just fyi!). Hell, I know that my experiences aren’t the same of many other women and that’s only because I’m a more socially acceptable “fat size”. Hard as it is for me to find clothing, I know it’s not as hard as it is for other women who’s size just plain isn’t even considered by a lot of clothing designers. Uncomfortable as I always am in small plane seats, I don’t get glares from the people next to me and I don’t get told I need to pay for another seat by the airline. People don’t look at me with quite as much insulting disbelief when I tell them the variety of athletic endeavors I undertake as they would someone larger.
Like Alyssa, I’ve spent about 20-some odd years of hating and loathing my body, coveting friends’ bodies who hated theirs and feeling too ashamed to go bathing suit shopping. But it isn’t the same. It isn’t the same as my old college roommate’s experience who’d been a size 26 since her freshman year of high school and it isn’t the same as Alyssa’s who’d been 112 lbs since her freshman year of high school.
The truth is, the amount of hate society deems your body worthy of, be it self hate or otherwise, marginally increases with weight (although it seems everyone must hate something about their body, otherwise shit wouldn’t sell). The amount of tolerance for differences in body type becomes strained when a higher weight is thrown into the mix, and each and every single one of us is treated accordingly, at least a majority of the time.
This is similar to a “Patriarchy Hurts Men Too!” argument. While that’s true and while you can absolutely bet your bottom dollar that it sucks all kinds of majorly stinky ass, it isn’t the same and I find assuming it to be so problematic.
What I will say though, is that I agree with others, that this is obviously yet another example of how painful it is to live in a culture so obsessed with body “perfection” and that it definitely needs to change and not just because one size is generally more harshly attacked, but because all are attacked (I just happen to think it’s important to remember who the main targets of the attacks most often are). I wholeheartedly believe that nobody deserves to hate their body and your body doesn’t have to be a certain way to be beautiful. Hell, it doesn’t even have to BE beautiful, if flipping society’s warped and airbrushed concept of “beauty” the bird is what gives you the final push to accept your body and enjoy living your life in it. It can just BE whatever the hell it is. And really, that’s just perfectly fine. You don’t need to look a certain way to be happy, and you certainly don’t need to have just the right proportions just to love your whole self. And you certainly don’t need to dress accordingly just to appease others. Go buy that cute bathing suit and feel fabulous in it. You only live once.
i want to take a step back, and just give alyssa an answer that’s straight from my gut (or heart, if you like that better).
alyssa, i’m 5′8″, 230 lbs, muscular-ish, and curvy as all get out. and i’ve always, always wanted to look like YOU – slim, lean, small-boned, small breasts. it always seemed to me that the audrey hepburn ballerina look was the most elegant and beautiful one in the world. i wanted to wear tall boots that couldn’t fit over my big calves, body-skimming turtlenecks that I imagined floating over my torso – but of course my 36Gs didn’t quite look like audrey’s. i cried about this, too.
i dress differently now. i feel differently too. sometimes i embrace my zaftig sophia loren side. sometimes i dress down and think, “screw you, world, i don’t owe you prettiness.” i try to read and think and observe ideas of fat acceptance and size acceptance and intersectionality, and sometimes i do, and sometimes my brain just goes with – “what makes me feel pretty?”
i really like living in this balance, even though it’s taken some time to get here and i still have a ways to go (just like everyone). i hope with all my heart that you can find a balance like this too and recognize beauty in yourself.
Some of you are implying that everybody should be towing your party line that all body issues are the same. Or more precisely they stem from the same societal cause so our reactions to any body image issues should be the same . I just don’t agree with that logic.
Its irritating that some of you also seem to be saying this is now less of a safe space because some of us had reactions that didn’t mesh with yours. Come on. Mo Pie asked what we thought. Not everybody is going to agree but that doesn’t mean they’re hating on the skinny women. It also doesn’t mean that I’m exhibiting reverse bigotry by being honest about my anger. It just means I said what I thought at the time.
What Lirael said. I’m conflicted because there is an obvious privilege in our society that those on the thin side enjoy however nobody deserves to hate their body like Alyssa does. My conception of Fat Acceptance is more my acceptance of my fat and connected to the larger concept of Body Acceptance. Alyssa should be able to feel comfortable in her own skin. It would be unfair to say that her body is the “ideal” in society since we are all aware that there is no ideal. The “ideal” is purposefully unreachable to insure women will continually buy self improving items, certain clothes, makeup, pills, etc. Part of that false idol includes thinness, but it also includes several other qualities that Alyssa thinks she does not meet. Does her thinness make her feelings invalid? No they don’t. Is she in a socially better position than many women, especially women of size? Yes but her problems are still real. Her problems aren’t the exact same as other people with body issues but I think they have the same root cause. My involvement in FA is identifying the root cause of our oppression and dealing with that, not deciding who is more oppressed than whom.
My best friend is built like an amazon- 5′10″, right around 180, curvy without being big. She hates the way she looks.
No woman on the face of this planet is comfortable with what she looks like, not really. We’re all force-fed some ideal that we can’t ever meet, and the more we accept ourselves- too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, big feet, I hate my ears, my nose is too big, I wish I had big breasts like yours, god I’d kill for your hair- the better off we’ll be.
Not only can you be skinny and beautiful, you are beautiful. Never let yourself believe differently, and we’ll all be better for it.
ABSOLUTELY. One of the most eye-opening conversations I had about body imge was with a former boss, who is ~ a size two. Growing up in Greece, she was given hell for being so skinny, and her sister was praised to the heavens for being bigger. They then moved to Germany, and it switched out. She lives in the US now, and gets both envy and censure for being so thin. I’m ashamed to say that I hadn’t really thought that a thin person could ‘get’ what a fat person went through until that conversation. I wish that none of us knew it, but it’s absolutely not stupid that you’ve felt badly while dealing with this.
Being derided for our bodies SUCKS. A lot of FA language may focus on things that don’t apply to you, because it’s all about reclaiming the specific things that we’ve been told are bad, but the things I see as part of size acceptance (things that work for all of us) definitely apply:
- you aren’t beholden to anyone else’s expectations. If someone doesn’t like how you look in a bathing suit? FUCK THEM. They have a problem, and that’s a sad thing. But you have every right in the world to go to the pool and have fun – their problems are theirs, not yours.
- it’s hard to overcome your own, internalized expectations. As others have said, be gentle with yourself when you run up against them, and try to be as forgiving (and as persistent) as you can.
- you’re beautiful in so many ways – your comment shows intelligence, sensitivity, compassion, humility and kindness. Even on days when it’s hard to find your body beautiful (because we all have those days), you have so many other kinds of beauty to remind you.
- you can absolutely be built like a 12-year-old boy and have a beautiful body and be considered beautiful. Without question.
Oh yes! You can (and probably ARE despite not knowing it,) be beautiful. And when someone asks a rude question about your weight, proudly and happily let them know that you can (and do) eat what you wish. Play up your angularity, show off the thinness of your waist, enjoy being able to wear plunging v-necks without fussing with bra issues. Enjoy that beautiful body you’ve been given, and don’t worry about others’ opinions. The sexiest attribute anyone, of any size, can have is confidence. Not big boobs. Confidence. Try owning THAT and you’ve got it made!
@Lisa. Two things:
The plural of ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data’.
To gather from my post that I am discriminating against someone because ’she’s thin’, well… I maintained, and still do, and always will, that while body acceptance should include each and any type of body, it is non the less true that any self-esteem problems afflicting a slim or even skinny person can be solved solely via medical/psychological intervention, whereas tackling the problems a fat person encounters on a daily basis would need nothing short of global social change.
An entirely different league, I hope you’ll agree.
wow! im so glad i found this. i had an awful day shopping and looking like a little girl in mommy’s clothes. thin, fat- whatever. its just different ends of the same spectrum. its kinda funny- my bff and i go shopping, everything is too small for her and too big for me, and we both leave the store pissed off, but laughing. somethings SERIOUSLY wrong w/ society when two normal girls walk into the same store and nothing fits either of them.
and anyone who says being skinny is easy- try walking around all day with nothing sticking out of your chest except your sternum. not pretty!!!!
but i think were all in the same boat here, and the problem is not how anyone looks, but the messed up perception of ‘perfect.’
Oh, but Alyssa’s issues ARE our issues! When we find ourselves crying in the car or the dressing room or the girl’s locker room because of the way we feel about our bodies, it doesn’t matter if we think we are too skinny or too fat. IT IS THE SAME G-D AWFUL, G-D DAMN THING! The skinny bitch needs to “get over it” because she meets society’s beauty standards and has nothing to complain about. The fat girl needs to suck it up and push away from the table because it’s all her fault she’s fat. If the latter comment is unacceptable, then the former is just as bad (and hurtful.) Mean, unproductive, and, dare I say it, a little hypocritical. Also smacks of “my-pain-is-worse-than-than-your-pain”. If we want to be not only left alone but loved and celebrated because we are fat, then it is only fair to extend that same courtesy to our bony sisters too.
(ps Alyssa’s account of crying in her car just TORE ME UP! I thought that it was only fat girls like me who did that?)
Hey,I just wanted to tell you that yes you do can be completely beautiful.
Haha I entered to this site randomly but I’m glad I did because somehow I get to comment your question.
I am very tiny and I am very happy the way I am :)
Long time reader, first time commenter (and a little late to chime in, really) – but I just had to say ‘Amen’ to this:
Seegz said: “‘Real women’ are carbon-based mammalian lifeforms classified as hominids that happen to be female.”
And that is all there is to it. (And comments and posts like these is why I so like this blog.)
PS: Seegz, I adore you for that line – may I use it and have it printed on a button badge, please?
Well – I m way late to this conversation also. But I must say Restless Native – you rock! Your comments are so right on. Body image issues are universal, heavy or thin! I happen to be like Alyssa and I can so identify with her feelings. You may think it’s all fun and games to be built like a 12 year old but trust me it’s not! At 47 I am accepting of myself but for fun I would give anything to live just one day with hips and boobs and curves and full lips and hair – oh my!!! And speaking of clothing – it is impossible to find!!! For me size zeroes are too big. Can anyone possibly think that is fun and attractive? The other day I was sitting on the patio of restaurant and I saw this woman getting out of her car. So curvy and soft and I thought she was so incredibly beautiful. And my very next thought was that she probably thought she was fat. How sad is that? I hope not – I hope she knows how amazing she is.
I’m glad this is anonymous because the one thing I learned as a ’skinny girl’ is to keep your mouth SHUT! The only valid complaints are from those who need or want to lose. Other women have taught me that. So sad.
And one more thing. When I think about how society treats overweight people it makes me sick. My BFF is more than 100 lbs overweight so I have seen first hand the pain it has caused her. But don’t be so quick to think they are kind to thin people either. The comments people make to my face ‘because I am thin’ are often rude and thoughtless. If I feel like a salad – “What are you afraid your going to gain weight?” “Do you have anorexia?”Or recently at a work function – “So, do you even wear adult clothes”? If I dare comment on a frustrating clothing search – I a met with eye rolls and “oh please”. Even my BFF will tell you that no one would reverse those rude comments on a heavier girl. In other words people will ask me about anorexia but won’t say to her – so do you have a binge eating problem? They will ask me about clothing but won’t say to her – oh do you have to shop in the big ladies department, and lastly while people will say to me – ugh, you look so skinny! People will not say to her, ugh, you look so fat!
So ladies – let’s just be kind and accepting of each other and not be so sure anyone has it easier. Like they say..until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes….
I see my daughter (11) growing up to be just like me & Alyssa. Except she will be taller. I am just 5′3. I only hope I can do a great job with her self esteem so she can always love herself for who she is no matter what size.
Lanie
I totally knwo what Alyssa is going through. I am skinny and have a very full bodied best friend. It isnt always easy standing next to her when there are guys around. Being skinny and tall can be good when every damn minute someone tells me “You can be a model” I dont want to be another skinny model.Not all skinny girls want to be that. The bad parts are always being asked if I have a eating disorder.Like Cant a girl be skinny and not have a eating disorder. Being skinny is hard and it doesnt get any easier.Im 15 and barely weigh below 110pds. I eat more than anyone I know but the weight doesn show. I’ve tried almost anything I can. I hate wearing showing clothes that show my legs and I do not like bathing suits. So Alyss You are not alone. But I’ve learn that you have to Love yourself because at the end of the day you love is what you can trust most. =)
Well, talk about late to the conversation. I just got back from vacation in florida and was feeling bad about some of the pictures. Sigh, I look like I’m five months pregnant I’m 39 years old, 5′5” 34A, narrow hips and small behind. The problem is my stomach sticks out in the front just the same if not a little more than my butt. I’ve been frustrated because it is so hard to look good in clothes and I have been asked one time too many when the baby is due. (By the way it took me until college to break the 100 pound mark and people used to ask me all the time if I was anorexic…I just weighed 95 lbs). Now I’m about 130lbs. I’ve done a lot of research and finally typed in skinny girls with fat stomachs and found this blog. I think it was pretty insightful about the psychological and emotional impact body image can have on both fat and skinny women. Still I’m looking for information specifically for that rare creature: the skinny girl with the fat stomach. I’ve been this way all of my life. People would probably hate me because I rarely work out. I stay thin because I have a high metabolism and am fairly active. But I just have that apple figure, which to me means I carry most of my weight in my midsection. This type of physique at extremes can be problematic for the heart. Whereas I’ve read that pear shapes are healthier because as much as it may be hard to look at or deal with it it is healthier to carry weight in these areas. I consider it to be the earth mother figure…the ideal.
Unfortunately I don’t have it and I have to get jeans super tight and endure the dunlap. I’ve been trying desperately to be fashionable and have finally realized that I’m neither a brick house nor wafer thin, but let me tell you it’s no fun either to be a skinny girl with a fat stomach.
I guess it’s my own fault and I tell myself this all the time: I just need to do some sit-ups. But I think we of this body shape just aren’t equipped with the same muscular structure in the abdominal area. I do try to hold my stomach in and think flat stomach. But as I said in the beginning those pictures are just depressing. I used to love to be in pictures but now I’m thinking about just skipping them.
Okay now something positive. I think most of the comments on this blog were thoughtful and very helpful to me. I’d like to start something myself for those who have the same problem. Also looking for clothes for women with small booties and big stomachs. Someone please let me know if there is anything out there or if it would be worthwhile to start a clothing line that caters to that shape?
Thanks for everything. Good luck and best wishes Alyssa
Wow, i can totally relate, I am ashamed of my skinny-ness too. I’m 22 I’m a black woman and even though im really skinny.. i still have some curves, its really weird lol. but i’ve tried so hard to gain weight.. and it is tough, they have so many remedies out there for losing weight, its like they have forgotten about us.. being skinny isn’t great at all.. not to me… I don’t even go out anymore because I know i will compare myself to another womans body ive heard people say “real women have curves”.. kind of makes me feel less than a woman sometimes. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, because everybody around me is a “normal size” and they either tell me to eat more or get pregnant.. isn’t that crazy? And i don’t want to wait until im 30 for my metabolism to slow down.. why should i have too? but i have no choice now i don’t know what to do.–I haven’t worn a dress since i was like 12. My sister is 17 and she has the body of a 22 year old, while i have the body of a 12 year old. It really sucks. I love her to death but sometimes i hate hanging out with her, especially if we go shopping. All the attention is on her. And it sucks to go shopping.. certain clothes don’t look right at all. But i realized this is the body God gave me and you have to play with the cards you are dealt. Love yourself.. I hate this world, all this fat-skinny mess. As long as your healthy, thats all that should matter.
I cried reading this post because I feel the exact same way. I’m 16 and I’ve struggled with my body from the time I was 7 years old. My body frame is nothing like any girls I know. No celebrity looks like me, and I am ashamed of my body. I’ve spent hours and hours crying over my body. And searching the internet to try and find other people who struggle just like me. I’m glad I’ve found someone who has a similar problem to mine. Just know you are beautiful, and don’t let your insecurities get in the way of having fun. And I think this web site is so wonderful! All you women out there, Way to go! Know you are beautiful, and wonderful! I know we are all struggling with our bodies together, and no one is really fully happy with what they got. Best of luck to all of you!
Everyone is beautiful, depending on the personality.
Unfortunately, I’ve found that women who are skinny can be butt ugly and still get a man.
If you’re fat and have a beautiful face, no one will look at you twice just because you’re fat.
I’ve been single for 11 years and fat for 10. Never even been on a date.
Before I got fat, I never had a problem attracting men.
I’m getting ready to have a gastric bypass now because I can’t lose the weight.
Really? How come me and so many fat women and men HAVE loving partners? And yes, he met me when I was fat and there was attraction on his part from the first sight, so there goes your theory. Oh, and he’s no fethishist, no feeder or whatnot, he’s just a guy who finds women of all sizes beautiful and he chose a bigger girl. From the way your post sounds, I’d say it’s your insecurities over your weight rather than the weight itself, that keeps you from getting a man. But of course, if you wish to mutilate your inner organs, nobody can order you not to, only feel sorry for that… Check out the Shapely Prose forum for example, to find people who are large and happy – it’s perfectly possible.
Dear all, i enjoy reading all ur comments n thoughts…
and Alyssa… when reading ur story it felt like i’m the one writing it because i have the same situation with u. I feel i will never find love because i know that most guys love woman with curvy, i think i would like that too if i’m a man…
my friends also usually make fun with me, like asking if i eat or not… of course i do! its just happen that i was born naturally thin with very high metabolisme… but now i’m happier with myself, buy beautiful dresses n i can be beautiful!… SO CAN YOU!!! so what if i can’t find love… i can be single n happy rather being single n sad…. its our life n its our choice…
I LOVE MYSELF
Not all guys are into curves and big boobs – maybe they’re just the ones who are louder about it. I personally find smaller women to be way HOT (and usually taken). Hold your head up, smile, look guys in the eye, and let your real self come out. The right guy will come along!
I went to florida this year and it was great. I can recommend it to everybody.
Don’t worry about looking like a boy. Skinny petite girls look like really hot girls, not boys. That’s like saying that fat guys look like women. I think you sound beautiful. I’m a nice cute guy and I am extremely turned on by thin “ruler” shaped girls. And I know a lot of other guys are too. Girls that are built like you have very beautiful bodies. Look at all those beautiful sexy figure skaters, like Sasha Cohen. They have “boyish” bodies and are some of the sexiest girls I’ve ever seen and it is because of their bodies.
I just read her post, and I teared up a little bit reading it. I can relate completely!
I am 15 years old and weigh 100lbs (on a good day) and I am a sophomore in high school. Almost every day I get called skinny, or asked if I have an eating disorder. I don’t. When my mother was in high school, she graduated weighing 95 lbs. So I know it must be genetic. In 7th grade, I took an acting class, and in front of the whole class, my teacher asked me if I was anorexic or bulimic. I said no, and ran out of the class room crying, and spent the rest of the day locked in the school bathroom, crying in a stall. Now, 3 years since that, I still cry myself to sleep almost every week because of what people say to me.
I just want hope and understanding from others, and to know that I am not the only one in this situation.
Thank you for hearing my story, and understanding that I have no control over this.
In reply to Kats comment, In my experience as a skinny girl real world society doesnt accept me. I get comments all the time about how i should eat a hamburger or am told that “guys dont find skinny girls attractive” and when i try to tell people that these comments hurt they tell me that they are just worried about me or wish they had my problem but i doubt they’d be saying that if they knew what it was like, there are no support groups unless you actually have an eating disorder which is apparently a given if your a skinny girl, all the foods in the shops are geared to those to loose weight no special gym groups no jenny craig for those who want to gain and no sympathy, you dont get people telling an over weight person that they should put down the hamburger or that they are looking really fat, and if people do say it its considered rude but its totally fine to make fun of a skinny person where ever when ever. when i go out the comments are about my weight and its never positive, no one notices my personality or the clothes im wearing or the way ive done my hair im just skinny and thats all i am and thats apparently a very bad thing.