20 Responses to How Do You Build Your Confidence?

1. Karen, on February 26th, 2009 at 11:58 am Said:

   I put on my comfiest lounging clothes, no matter how old and tattered they are, and lounge around the house. Feeling physically comfortable inside my skin somehow makes me immediately feel more emotionally comfortable inside my skin. Maybe it’s just relief from temporarily setting aside the issue of looking good and focusing on simply feeling good? Slowly and deliberately savoring something really tasty also helps here.

   Once my overall mood is soothed, I can then return to the issue of my appearance with a much more balanced perspective.
2. April, on February 26th, 2009 at 1:09 pm Said:

   It depends on what is bringing me down or making me not feel so confident. Sometimes a trip to the salon for a trim and highlights is what I need to boost my ego a notch and sometimes what I need is to get home to some chocolate and comfortable clothes.

   The very simplest thing any of us can do at any time, in my opinion, is to make it a point to smile at a stranger or even a coworker. The act of smiling automatically boosts your spirits and it could boost theirs too, so that alone has to make you feel good.
3. Twistie, on February 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm Said:

   ASK someone to compliment you??? How can you trust a compliment you had to ask for?

   Okay, I second Karen’s advice. Sometimes you need to let yourself be comfortable in your own skin. And every once in a while, it’s okay not to see yourself as all that and a side of chips for a couple hours.

   Another thing I would suggest is doing something – anything – that you know in your heart of hearts you’re kickass at. I don’t care if it’s baking a pie, running a mile as fast as you can, changing a washer in a leaky faucett, singing, or balancing your checkbook. Doing things you know yourself to be really good at builds real confidence from within.

   Do something completely frivolous just because you love it. Read that trashy novel in the bathtub, spritz on some of your favorite perfume, try out a new lipstick, or play that first-person shooter game you love so much. Doing tiny things for yourself can make a huge difference in your outlook on life.
4. moxie3, on February 26th, 2009 at 1:40 pm Said:

   I’m going to FL with my hub and meeting my bro and SIL down there this weekend. Since my surgery I’ve put on not only weight but my stomach is definitely much larger. The problem is I’m trying to buy clothes to wear down there. I’m the body type that is big up and not down so if my stomach is large the legs and butt are always too big in pants. Trying to find something that fit correctly is difficult. I go to a small plus size store and was the only one in there and the woman asked if I needed any help. I told her I was looking for some khaki pants and she asked what size and I said either a 22 or a 24 and she looks at me and says “you’re not that big”, like I don’t know what size I am. Anyway not what I needed and of course the pants did not fit the way I wanted them to so I left as soon as I could. Sometimes it’s just not worth going out and going shopping unless you’re in a positive mood or know where to shop to find exactly what you know will fit! Sorry it wasn’t an “up” kind of comment but felt like venting.
5. Rhonwyyn, on February 26th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Said:

   Moxie3, it might not have been an “up” comment, but it was honest. I think that’s one of the most valuable things we can give ourselves – permission to be honest. Sometimes that takes the form of acknowledging our struggles, and other times it’s lauding our successes.

   I think we have to be honest when we feel down about ourselves. We have to really dig down deep and discover what is contributing to our feelings of low self-worth/self-esteem. Do we feel down because we’re tired; someone made a comment that we tossed off, but it stuck unconsciously; we didn’t shower, so we feel grimy and smelly, even if we aren’t; the dress we put on didn’t fit the way we imagined it would/should; or are we still comparing ourselves to an ideal and coming up short?

   I think that last part is where honesty really pays off. Acknowledging that not measuring up to the accepted standards is contributing to our depressed mood is the first step to turning it around. We need to confront those standards and our desire to conform to them by being honest with ourselves. Self-talk is key here: “Body, you’re different, but that’s OK. Who are ‘they’ who are telling me what you should look like? Why do I give them power over me and the way I think about myself? Body, I liked this shirt when I bought it, and I still like it, even if it’s just that it’s downright comfy! My legs may be considered thick, but who really cares? I really like the fact that they get me where I need to go, and they’re sturdy, so I can walk long distances without them complaining.” Et cetera.

   “Honesty is the best policy” is soooo true!
6. kb, on February 26th, 2009 at 2:15 pm Said:

   I tend to clean-for me, it’s about feeling in control. I may not feel in control of my body(and really, what does that even mean? I’m not my body? who’s the other part that “should” be in control) but I can be in control of my surroundings. I can win over the bunch of dishes in the sink. Sometimes, though, I do feel like this is just giving into the pressure. I’m switching from part of the scrpit for women that I can’t do to part that I can, but that’s not really changing the script.
7. devil, on February 26th, 2009 at 2:21 pm Said:

   I would NEVER ask my husband (or anyone else) to give me a compliment. That’s just not me. I prefer to GIVE sincere compliments, which make me feel better too.

   I’m also not crazy about the suggestion that people go out and spend money to feel better about themselves. Doing that (on a widespread level) is a big reason the economy’s in the shape it is now. You can’t buy happiness or real beauty – they come from within. (Yeah, I know…but it’s true!)

   I like April’s suggestion to smile. Really, it’s so easy and free and has proven health benefits. As a bonus, it pleases other people too.
8. Swellanor, on February 26th, 2009 at 2:43 pm Said:

   I usually have bad hair/body days when I am going to do something a little bit out of my comforting routine, something that will expose me to the world’s notice- going to a bar or show in Hollywood, going to a party where I won’t know everybody, going to a social gathering for my profession, etc. I get it stuck in my head that everyone else there will be young, thin, fashionable, and judgemental.

   But pretty much every time I’ve conquered that anxiety I’ve found that there are plenty of older, fatter, untrendy, and more open-minded people than I expect in all those situations. So when I feel self-conscious, I try to stop and think about what I’m upset about that is showing up in my attitude to myself.

   I totally agree with April’s idea about smiling. I think most people you meet in the day would rather you smiled than that you looked awesomely hot! It’s a boost for everyone involved. If you can muster the energy to turn on the sparkle in your attitude, people will totally respond, and you will respond by feeling up!

   Another thing that helps me through those days is pulling out a tried-and-true outfit- one that I’ve worn a lot, love, and that people have complimented me on in the past. When I put it on, I remember the compliments and feel a little warmer and fuzzier. I save radical new fashion statements for days when I already feel awesome!

   Finally, I agree with Rhonwyn and the comment in the OP about not ‘identifying as beautiful’- that you shouldn’t feel obliged to be beautiful and act beautiful, and being honest with yourself. I pull out these confidence-boosting tricks when I need them- those professional conferences, for example- or want them- like when I would like to be with my friends even if it is in an intimidating situation. I’m not obliged to be or feel pretty- it just helps sometimes.
9. Sea, on February 26th, 2009 at 6:41 pm Said:

   If I’m having a bad self-esteem day. Instead of sitting around looking at myself in a mirror and criticizing my body, I go and do something that makes me realize the awesome things my body can DO. I play hockey, and nobody looks skinny in hockey gear. You’re not supposed to. Nobody cares whether you’re big or small. But when your legs can get you down the ice faster than the other team, and your arms can score that goal, it’s a pretty amazing feeling. I always come off the ice feeling strong and happy, no matter how sweaty and tangled my hair is or how big my thighs might look.
10. LoLa, on February 26th, 2009 at 8:56 pm Said:

    I also takes pics of myself when I’m lookin’ good!! (If anyone asks, I need a new profile picture…) I think, as long as you don’t go overboard, it’d good to remind yourself of your beauty (by overboard I mean bragging or thinking that everyone else wants to see 500 pictures of you posing in the mirror on MySpace because really, they probably don’t). I actually go online and look at pictures of plus-size models (or any hot plus-size women, but aside from models or certain porn, there’s not always much out there). If you go to the MySpace of PinupGirl Clothing, they have a lot of gorgeous, plus-size women (although for some reason I hardly ever see them on the actual clothing site).
11. Stella, on February 27th, 2009 at 12:30 am Said:

    When I used to get down on myself I really used to get depressed. I’d lay in my room and start listing off the things about me that I didn’t like. “Oh you’re so lazy and fat and sloppy and you have no will power…” the whole bit. Then I would make a pact with myself to change everything about myself starting the very next day. Of course this never worked, my diet lasted a week and then I was back to feeling down on myself.

    Now however I go about it the opposite way. If I start to feel bad about my fatness I just say to myself, “Fudge* it. If people don’t like me being fat, they can get over it. You can see my stomach rolls in this shirt, so what? You don’t like it then you don’t have to look at me.”

    It may be a bit aggressive or negative but it does raise my esteem. Because really, the only reason I hated how I looked was because I worried about what other people thought of me. If I mentally told them to get over it then I was OK.
12. meerkat, on February 27th, 2009 at 10:12 am Said:

    Hmm, taking pictures of yourself when you feel sexy would require having a time when you do actually feel sexy in the first place.
13. Lori, on February 27th, 2009 at 10:23 am Said:

    I sort of like the idea about accepting that you aren’t beautiful, except I’d probably change it to just deciding it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re beautiful.

    I’ve been thinking about the confidence issue the last few days because honestly, aside from a period when I was a young teenager (13-15) and totally obsessed with how I looked, I’ve never really worried too much about my appearance. I haven’t dieted since then, I rarely wear make-up, and I gave up straightening my hair and dealing with contacts a long time ago. I think what changed my focus was that a really unhealthy crash diet I was on at 14 or 15 ended up dehydrated me so much that I started getting heart palpitations, which eventually scared me so much I ended up with full-blown panic disorder (which has a really, really strong history in my family, so it’s likely I would have developed anxiety problems anyway, but this seems to be what triggered it). Suddenly I was way more worried about what was going on inside my body than what was going on on the outside.

    Certainly worrying obsessively about unrealistic problems with your health isn’t positive, but one upside of that period of my life is that I think I came to see my body as primarily functional, rather than ornamental. Since then, how my body works is way more important to me than how it looks. And when I think about my body in those terms–as something functional rather than decorative–then I find it a lot easier to just honestly not give a crap what other people might think about my appearance, or how well I live up to some ideal I have in my head.

    I mentioned this on SP yesterday, but having a baby was another huge thing for me. I read about people who hate their post-baby bodies, but I had the complete opposite experience. I was wildly in love with my body after giving birth, and while breastfeeding. I think, again, it’s the functional thing: my body did all of these totally normal yet completely amazing things. I’m not quite so enthralled with my body any more, but I still think I have a much more positive view of it now than I did even in my mid-20s.

    So I guess my advice for building confidence is to focus on what your body does–not in the sense of making yourself feel bad because you can’t run a four-minute mile, but in the sense of honoring all of the amazing things it does for you every day–and not on what it looks like. Bodies exist to function, not as decorations.
14. Karen, on February 27th, 2009 at 11:26 am Said:

    I like the idea of taking a picture when you are feeling like you look good!
15. Cindy, on February 27th, 2009 at 3:09 pm Said:

    OMG, kb, me too!

    When I’m feeling bad about myself, I clean. I wipe things down, vacuum, polish floors, put things back where they belong.

    When I clean, I feel like I’m asserting order over the chaos that is life. And then, I light candles and settle down with my girl and my dogs and bask in The Cozy.

    And nothing makes me feel more confident more quickly than playing and working with my dogs. Seeing how I can stimulate their brains and make them happy and safe makes me feel good about myself.

    On the rare occasion that I’m alone in the evening (wish I could do this more often) I like to put on dark lipstick and drink a cup of coffee in low lighting. If I am alone at home and eating a meal, I’ll put it on a plate, pour my drink in a glass and sit down and enjoy it. makes me feel good.
16. FatNsassy, on February 28th, 2009 at 7:11 pm Said:

    Avoid MSM whenever possible. There are too many deliberate attempts to lower your self-esteem for the purpose of selling products. I could have never been as free of weight obsession as I am if I didn’t limit my tube and other MSM exposure.
17. mo pie, on February 28th, 2009 at 9:11 pm Said:

    MSM… is that Mainstream Media?
18. Lisa, on March 1st, 2009 at 1:27 am Said:

    Several months ago, I was having a really bad day where my hair frizzed up and my favorite jeans wouldn’t zip. I was standing in front of the mirror picking out my flaws when my boyfriend walked in and asked what was wrong. I burst out with “I’m just so fat and ugly today!” He took me by my shoulders, turned me away from the mirror, and said in his sternest voice, “Hey! Nobody talks about my girlfriend like that!”

    For some reason that gave me the perspective I needed. Now, whenever I’m being nasty to myself, I say, “Nobody talks about M’s girlfriend like that!” It’s just the little kick in the pants I need to see that there are lots of people out there who love me just the way I am (and even think I’m ridiculously hot just the way I am, even on my bad days) and I would do well to shape up and love me too.

    Also, eating a bowl of ice cream while watching a movie or TV show that makes me laugh works wonders.
19. Lori, on March 1st, 2009 at 11:17 pm Said:

    I could have never been as free of weight obsession as I am if I didn’t limit my tube and other MSM exposure.

    It’s been so long since I’ve read a fashion or a “women’s” magazine or watched any sort of entertainment or makeover or weight-loss show on TV that I totally forgot about that, and how important it is.

    I can say that, for me, my consumption specifically of MSM targeted to women is directly and inversely related to how positive I feel about my body. I personally think magazines are particularly toxic, and just deciding that I would not look–not even a glance through them at the check-out line or a quick skim if they happen to be in somebody’s bathroom–at any fashion or women’s magazines (by which I mean the Women’s Day/Family Circle/Redbook kind) was probably the best thing I ever did for myself in terms of feeling good about myself as I am. Those magazines are designed to make us feel ugly and worthless, so that we’ll buy the products they are selling. For me, there’s no article inside interesting enough for me to put myself through that, although obviously YMMV.
20. Sarah, on March 2nd, 2009 at 8:41 am Said:

    I usually feel pretty comfortable with my body, but of course I get those days where I feel bummed out about everything, including my appearance. I do a lot of the things that have already been mentioned: put on comfy clothing, do something fun and meaningful like write, draw, or dance, and even the picture-taking thing (take pics of myself in my undies in the bathroom mirror). It’s funny because when as I take the pictures I think I look terrible, but when I examine the picture later on, then I realize I didn’t look so bad after all. Also, I like to play with my belly and other soft parts of my body–it makes me appreciate them.

    Another thing: I remind myself that when I was a little girl, I looked forward to having a woman’s body. Now that I have a plus-size woman’s body, with all those voluptuous curves I’d always wanted, I’d sure as hell better not complain!

    I actually don’t get affected by magazines and TV shows, because I honestly have no desire to look like the skinny actresses/models—they are beautiful in their own way, but their bodies are just not visually appealing to me.

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