Can You Be Overweight, Yet "Truly Happy"?
Jessica at Jezebel wrote a while back about the Glamour magazine diet blog Margarita Shapes Up.
What’s disconcerting is the anxious tone that has crept into her posts in recent weeks, culminating in a post about leaving her dad’s birthday party early so that she could go to yoga. It’s clear that she feels a great deal of pressure to keep her weight off, and I have to wonder whether some of that pressure comes from the fact that it’s part of her job to talk about her diet… Is it possible to write about your weight struggles for a living and emerge unscathed?
It was an interesting question at the time, and probably worth a discussion all on its own, but Margarita is still writing; here is one of her recent posts:
I often wonder if any really overweight people are completely unbothered by their size and truly happy. I can’t imagine it for myself, but when I walk down the street and encounter overweight people (and couples), I wonder if they somehow managed to be unmarred by the body image curse that’s plagued me.
What do you guys think? Do you know anyone who has this sense of self-worth that I truly covet, the kind that seems to say, “My happiness has nothing to do with the size of my body”?
That is actually a really sad question. I would hope that most of us on this blog—of all sizes—would be able to say our happiness has nothing to do with the sizes of our bodies, that our happiness comes from our relationships, our loved ones, our careers, our ambitions, our hobbies, our favorite guilty pleasure television shows. But I’d rather hear it from you. So what’s your answer to Margarita? Where does your happiness come from?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Feminism, Magazines, Media, Question, Weight Loss
Email us
Dahling, I have always reveled in my curvaceous body, even if it transgresses the bounds of “traditional” (i.e. anorexic) fashion. Is there anything more satisfying than wearing a low-cut dress? I am quite happy with myself, and that includes accepting my body. When I was a teenager, I lost 100 pounds, and expected I would be…petite. But no, I was still almost six feet tall with size 10WW feet and large bones. For years, fat or thin, I felt “oversized” and it was only with time that I learned that I am meant to occupy the space I have.
My happiness does not come from the size of my body but it took me a long time to reach that point and often find myself telling other women feeling how I used to that they need to stop waiting to be skinny to be happy.
I will admit though that I haven’t found the mecca of self-esteem. I still struggle from time to time with really liking how my body looks and I have days where I see myself in the mirror and frown at the lumps and the round protruding belly but I have found a way through acceptance of that body, even when it doesn’t make me smile, to be able to put that image out of my mind and walk out of the house happy and confident and live my life to the fullest. I don’t worry about what others think. I feel good and that’s all that matters.
Does that answer the question? I kinda went on a bit longwinded there but for anyone that is struggling with being fat and happy, yes it is really possible even if you’re not all the time happy with your appearance. Find happiness from other places in your life. It has a funny way of seeping over into your body image as well. In my experience.
Not only am I not hating my body, I have learned to love my body and all that it gives me (well, except for my sinuses this morning).
It makes me sad because I know that for many people there will never be a size small enough in which they will come to accept and love your body.
I think people find that skinny does NOT equal happy. If this poor girl had to leave a celebration early in order to take yoga, then her efforts to stay at a certain weight are interfering with her life.
SO MANY people fall into depression or disordered behaviors after losing weight, because they realize all the issues they had when they were fat are still there when they are skinny. (Remember that study of WLS patients who stopped overeating but started over spending?)
OK, I’m blathering, but I just wanted to add that in this age of “The Biggest Loser” and the plethora of plastic surgery shows, it’s easy to see why we can start to believe that we’re supposed to work out 6 hours a day, starve, and get cut up, all in the name of beauty.
GRRRR~!
This is an interesting topic and I can only speak for myself but personally my happiness comes from the following (in no particular order):
Laughter
Moments of Bliss
Yummy Food
Delicious Wine
Sharing Secrets
Rockin Clothes
New Shoes
Good Sex
Kissing
Hugging my Best Friend
Holding Someone’s Hand
Teaching my Nephews something
Fixing my car with my dad
Installation Art
Theatre
Powerful music
The list could go on and on and on but you get the idea. I don’t think my size is directly related to my happiness at all. HOWEVER, I also don’t think the kind of blissful happiness she’s talking about is possible. Not just for her, but for anyone. I am happy at least 90% of the time, i can say with confidence, for many of the reasons I listed above, but does that guarantee I NEVER feel frustrated/angry/upset/sad about my body size and it’s limitations? no. I just make the CHOICE to not let it dictate my whole being or my happiness. I think that’s probably true for anyone in the whole world, it just may not always be their body size that occasionally frustrates them. Hell, it’s not always my body size that frustrates me! I get a angry/frustrated/sad/etc sometimes over my ridiculous relationship with money, too.
the point I’m making is that no, my happiness is not directly derived from or against my body size, but it doesnt mean i dont get down occasionally. they aren’t mutually exclusive, in my opinion. and I think that’s true for anyone, regardless of the topic at hand.
A few months ago, I would have said my happiness was blocked by my size. I felt like a victim, trapped in my overweight and out-of-shape body. I didn’t like myself and I didn’t like my body.
Then, I started paying attention. I started listening to myself. I started hearing the hateful thoughts that would go through my mind at random times, the insecurity that would float by whenever someone stared at me for any length of time. I knew that I would never say such things to someone I loved, so why was it okay to say them to myself?
I made a vow to myself, to stop the abuse. If I’m fat, I’m fat! That’s okay, because it alone doesn’t define me. I’m a huge list of other things, too – all of which add up to make me who I am. It took a lot of work and patience, but I’m getting there. And now I can say without hesitation that my happiness comes from me, not from my size or my weight or my measurements. (: And I would easily say I am “truly happy”.
Thanks for asking! (:
I’ve got a pretty unique perspective on this, because I’m transgendered. I was born male (on the outside) and later changed my outside to match how I feel on the inside (female).
For a long time, when I looked in the mirror I still saw a boy. Even when others would tell me how pretty and feminine I looked, I still saw a boy. Then it slowly changed — I would sometimes see a girl looking back at me from the mirror, sometimes not. Now I always see a girl. It’s a huge, enormous source of stress that’s been lifted from my life. And it’s amazing!
But the downside is that all the estrogen in my system changed my metabolism, and when I stuck to the same eating and exercise patterns I had when I was male, I gained weight instead of maintained. I gained 70 pounds in the two years after I transitioned from male to female. So now when I look in the mirror, even though I’m thankful to see a girl looking back at me, I don’t always see a pretty girl.
So I feel mixed. On the one hand, what a blessing to have this huge transition behind me and to leave all the social and internal anxiety in the past. Goodbye, gender dysphoria! On the other hand, it feels kind of silly to go through all this effort to have my body match how I want it to be and then… not have my body match how I want it to be. It’s far less of a big deal to me, but it’s still a form of body dysphoria, and it’s sometimes unpleasant.
I don’t think that this unhappiness comes from the size of my body, though. I think it comes from a conflict between the way my body is and the image I have of how I want it to be. There are two solutions: I can either change my body to match my internal image of how I want it to be (been there, done that) or I can chill out and adjust my self-image to no longer be tied to the size of my body.
I’m not sure which option I prefer, but this post has certainly gotten me thinking about it. Thanks!
Very sad. I won’t lie, I will have issues with myself from time to time, but the vast majority of my days are spent being 100% ok with my body. I got a big ol’ gut, butt, boobs, arms, whatever. I am flat out fat. I know, however, that if I were to somehow lose weight…even if I got down to 200 pounds, I’d still be huge. I’m not petite in structure. I wear a 10 or 11 wide shoe, my head is 26 inches around, I’m 5’8, I have the shoulders of a linebacker and a tendency to build muscle. I will never be the petite, so-called “universally desirable” shell that seems to be acceptable.
I’m fine with that. I like my body. I think diversity makes the world interesting, which is why racism/sizism/sexism/ageism/whatever-ism just kills me. People would be bored as hell if we all looked like Jessica Alba or someone.
You know, there are plenty of reasons I could make up my mind to be unhappy with my body, but I can’t even imagine anyone asking how anyone could be truly happy while being short, left-handed, or unable to make a curling iron work on my hair.
I’m fat. I’m short. My hair won’t curl with anything short of a perm. I’m wired backwards from most of the world.
You know what?
I’m living my dream of being a professional writer. I’ve got a husband who adores me even when I’m annoying and neurotic. I have enough food to eat, a roof over my head, and a little to share with those around me. I have wonderful friends and three brothers. I have neighbors who let me play with their pets and their kids. One gives me coffee and the other homemade tamales. I have a cat who thinks I hung the moon. I’ve got hobbies. I’m a good singer. I’ve got a keen mind. I can make people laugh.
In the face of all that and more, why would I spend time making myself unhappy over my waistline?
I agree with the other April here (yay for Aprils!) and many others have said. Happiness is found in so many places other than in maintaining a smaller space on this earth.
And I don’t think anyone (of ANY size) goes through life without a single moment or day of discomfort in their own skin. As others have said, being thin didn’t change the problems elsewhere in my life. While I do have moments (and likely always will) when I really wish I was a size 10 again or a size 6 and could flounce in some particular outfit or that my curves were adjusted so something else I want to wear would fit right and so on, I think that having the majority of those moments restricted to “now and again” instead of “every waking moment” is the largest change I’ve seen since finding FA and learning to accept, respect and deal with my own self-image.
Some things that make me happy and give me the sort of glow that Margarita seemed to wonder if that random large couple on the streets was experiencing:
Roast Chicken Dinners, homemade from scratch
Laying against my husband while watching TV, his hand gently soothing the hair at my temple
A fully cleaned house
Completing all of my projects and meeting deadlines usually gives me a huge happy boost
Learning another phrase in Mandarin (at my current rate I might know a dozen phrases by 2012)
Watching others have fun and knowing that I am part of it
There is so much I do in this world that has nothing to do with my size or shape and everything to do with how I choose to shape my life around me and the actions/choices I make every day. With all the blessings I have how can I NOT be happy the majority of the time? :)
I am so glad you asked this question – and my answer is for all those people out there who might not want to answer.
Everyone so far has posted about how they are so happy with their body – even if they’re plus sized?
Me? Not so much. I’m starting to accept it – which is at least better than me hating it as I used to.
I’m not sure if it stems from the hatred that my father had for all people overweight, the fact that he showed unloving behavior towards me, my mom, and my sisters if we were overweight or if it’s something just in my head…
I’m starting to realize that skinny people have issues too. And I know that that probably sounds silly, but I have been one of those people that felt that things would get WAY better if/when I was thinner.
I’m finally starting to realize that this isn’t true. And I’m starting to accept my body and love it – even if I’m not happy with it all the time. Guess what’s happening? I’m taking care of it – and I’m losing weight.
But no – I’m not truly happy with my body. I admire you – really, but I can’t even really conceive being truly happy with myself. I’ve got a long way to go. So if you feel the same way as I do, you’re not alone.
It’s interesting to me because I play these arguments in my head all the time. And here’s the kicker: I’m not at all overweight. These are old tapes that come from a desperate childhood. So, I look at my love handles and I feel disappointment and rejection, even today. I work out pretty hard, watch my diet pretty hawkishly, pay a pretty amount of money to trainers, and still feel bad. Clearly the problem is not my love handles. Yet I still try. :-(
Um … generally I’m just not worried about it. Part of it is that I know I’m loved, really loved, the way I am. Part of it is that between a job I’m good at, a 3-bdrm house with yard, a blog that has devoured my brain, coworkers & friends who like me, yoga, Puzzle Pirates, and working out I don’t have a lot of time to sit around disliking myself. But also, why would I want to do that? At least, when I’m not in a depressive episode?
Maybe I’ve done too much therapy. Or maybe this is an over-40 thing.
Completely unbothered by my size? No, although I hope to be there someday. Truly happy? Yes. And it breaks my heart that there are women who are held back from true happiness by something as relatively unimportant as body size. This is why we need fat acceptance!
Anne, I think there’s a difference between being unhappy with your body, and being unhappy, full stop. I’m not completely happy with my body either (I go back and forth) but that doesn’t stop me from being happy in general.
Happiness comes from:
Friends
Making people laugh & laughing at the absurdities of the world
Savoring a great meal or a really fine wine
The scent of a Cuban cigar
Hearing wonderful music, even if it’s only in my head
Finding that one perfect thing on a shopping trip
Watching my home team win
The scent of a Christmas tree…
So many things, so little time! The only thing to do is to enjoy them all, no matter how trivial they may seem.
As to being happy in my body…well, I WAS happy in it when it weighed a curvy, sexy & healthy 255 pounds. At its current scrawny 180, I cannot bear to see it naked, staring at me in the mirror & so make every effort never to look at the poor, shriveled corpus in which I now live. Oh, for the good old days!
But today I’ll have a peanut butter sandwich & an icy glass of milk, and you know what? As I chew, savor and swallow, I’ll enjoy each little bite and, for those few moments, happiness will once again be mine!
As Mr. Sondheim put it, it’s the little things…
I think that it’s pathetic that she can’t even imagine other people being happy with their bodies if they don’t meet her standards of “fitness”.
I’m sad for her.
No, not all fat people are happy with their bodies. Not all thin people are happy with their bodies, either.
I’m not happy with my body all the time, and I’m not happy all the time. But who is? Do I feel deeply tormented by my fat? No. Do I feel deeply tormented by people who think I should be deeply tormented by my fat? Sometimes.
Does that mean I’m not truly happy? Well what is true happiness anyway?
To Quote Charlie Brown:
Happiness is being alone every now and then
And happiness is coming home again
Happiness is morning and evening
Daytime and nightime too
For happiness is anything at all
That’s loved by you
That is a sad question. Of course it’s possible.
I don’t think weight has to do with happiness.
I definitely come here to be inspired by people who are not thin but yet seem happy with themselves anyway. I am definitely not, and it’s a defeating cycle. I’m a size 16 who grew up in a family of size 0s and I have never gotten over the message that there is something really wrong with me.
Kate Harding has covered this much better than I can, but I find it way more difficult to be empowered about my own beauty without a partner’s affirmation. I had one long relationship but it ended years ago and I haven’t had a boyfriend since. I live in Manhattan, so the beauty standard is insane and the men even crazier and the loneliness and the feeling of Other is overwhelming and getting worse as all my friends (who are all thin) get married off.
I know the problem is me and not my size but that’s just not the message I’ve ever gotten anywhere but here.
I’ve only recently found FA on the net, and I have to say – no, I am not happy with my body. Yet (I am working on it). Happiness comes from a number of sources that have nothing to do with my body but I still have that “If only I was pretty…” at the back of my head. Thing is, though, back when I was a kid and tried my first ever diet (the first one that ever ‘worked’ too, although of course I gained all the weight back, and more) I still wasn’t happy with myself, despite the fact I was ‘thin’. Because my bone structure meant I wasn’t thin *enough*. But the worst thing was – my life didn’t change. I mean, you’re supposed to experience a whole new life when you lose weight, right? You’re supposed to start attracting friends, lovers, and fun.
Didn’t happen. And so I began to think that my problems must be legion. It wasn’t just my weight repelling people, I must be truely ugly and an awful person. So no, I wasn’t happy when I was ‘thin’ either.
I’ve steadily gained weight since then but I’ve also gained a career, a man who adores me (and I him) and a couple of kids who light my world. There is a lot of happiness in my life and if I could just let go of the notion that thin=good I would be able to take full advantage of it.
I have to agree with those of you who pointed out that NOBODY is ever happy a hundred percent of the time.
To the extent that looks matter – I find myself worrying just as often about my face, or the shape of my body, as my size itself. And I think this is the case even if you’re thin, and even if you do match the cultural idea of beauty. Everyone feels ugly sometimes, and/or inadequate in other ways besides looks, and wishes they could be someone else. And that someone else? Also wishes they were someone else sometimes.
I think it’s just that fantasy that if only we were thin all of that would go away, but it doesn’t,
Dorothea I feel for you so much :( I too live in Manhattan. If you see a girl with a really big butt walking down the street wearing pretty clothes and usually feeling good about her body, that might be me! But yes I do agree that having a partner that appreciates you helps a lot. Even then, nothing is perfect, and a lot of body-image problems can arise even within a good loving couple. But overall it does help, and I’m sure it wll happen for you.
And I’m sure you guys already know this but it’s interesting that you feel that way at a size 16, whereas there are women out there who are size 22 and think “well if i were 16 at least i’d be acceptable” and other women who are size 10 who think “oh god i’m so huge, if only i could get down to a size 6 everything would be different…”
You can be overweight and happy but if you are being harassed, then it won’t matter what size you are!
Me, personally, currently? No, I can’t be. I certainly have happy moments, but I’m still struggling to accept my weight and my body. I still let my size keep me from doing things that I enjoy. I’m working on it, but it’s a struggle. I recently got engaged… One of my first thoughts was how I’m going to work really hard on Weight Watchers, and get to a decent weight by then (2 year engagement). I realized… I’ve been paying for my WW plan for umm.. over 3 years. And you know what? I weigh 30 pounds MORE than when I started. So, who’s to say I will definitely lose the weight by my wedding?
Instead, I decided to cancel my WW membership and work on the mental side of things. I realized that if I spend another 2 years obsessing about my weight, and I’m still fat for my wedding, I won’t be able to enjoy the day at all. I want to be happy, and feel like I *deserve* to be happy, reguardless of my size. It’s really hard though, when you’re surrounded by ads telling you that you just aren’t good enough.
For some people I think it’s quite the opposite. When I see someone that has a little more weight a lot of times I think “She’s probably someone who enjoys life”. Because I know I try to, and yes, I am “overweight”. When I hear about people calorie counting, diet blogging or whatever else crazy shit people are doing it just makes me think about how miserable they are. Food is supposed to be enjoyed! When they obsesses over calories and such, what are they thinking in other parts of their life? If they can’t enjoy that, what else are they not enjoying? Are they thinking about their fat thighs during sex? Are they hating that dress because their stomach doesn’t look flat in it? I don’t know for sure, but I know if you’re taking the joy out of food because you think it will make you fat, you’re not going to be enjoying much else.
I work at a natural and organic grocery store and that is the biggest thing I get from working there. That food is meant to nurture your body and soul. And it is supposed to make you feel good! So while I know it is not true for every person of size, I think it does hold true for a lot of us. Yeah, I am large. But I had a piece of cake on my birthday with my family and I liked it. Because life is meant to be enjoyed. The food, the people, the sex, the shopping. And if you let things like counting calories and leaving parties to drag yourself to exercise more control your life, who really cares what you look like?
With all the said, I don not consider myself to be 100% confident. Do I think it’d be easier if I were naturally thinner? Probably. But I would rather society pull its head out of its ass and realize what life is really about, and not chastise anyone for their weight.
I am still really conflicted about this. Am I happy in general? Yes. Does this happiness have anything to do with the size of my body? No. I’m happy because I’m satisfied with my job, I’m learning new skills to advance my career, and I have a great marriage.
Here’s the kicker, though: Do I wish my body were smaller? Yes, but only because I wish I could buy cute clothes off the rack, find high heeled shoes that fit width-wise, and hell, even be able to perform some more adventurous sexual positions. Mostly though, it’s just because I wish I could not be subject to the OMG FATTY MCFAT FAT judgments when I date to walk around in public, go to the gym, or go to the doctor.
I’m happy in my body, for the most part. I’m not happy about how society treats me because of my body. But I’m done with starvation diets and I’m not going to mutilate my perfectly functional digestive system just to fit a societal ideal. So does that still count as “truly happy”?
That was supposed to be “when I dare to walk aroudn in public.”
My happiness comes from many things, but more than anything doing things that people tell me I shouldn’t.
Over the last few years, I’ve been growing my hair long after years of keeping it shorter because I was told it looked better that way. And yet, I really wanted long hair. *Wanted* it. So I said screw public opinion and grew it long. And I love it. Last month, I braided my hair for the first time. I’m wearing it that way a few times a week now. I love being able to braid my hair.
My weight is much the same. It makes me happy, sometimes, to be fat in spite of what people think. My usual thought is, screw people who look at me disapprovingly. I’m not going to watch every morsel that goes into my mouth and exercise like a demon possessed for the rest of my life to meet some stupid definition of what I should look like.
I wear the clothes I like (mostly comfortable), I wear my hair how I like, I eat what I like, I do the work that I like (well, mostly). I don’t care what people think. They’re opinions of me are their problem, no mine. I refuse to take other’s expectations onto myself.
Granted, it took me a good 40 years to get hear, and having a terrific, loving, non-judgmental husband has helped that attitude a lot *laughs*.
It’s still a struggle for me. I still have a lot of those “If only I was thinner..” moments. It’s hard to purge your brain of the constant societal message that only thin people deserve to be happy. But, I’m trying. I’m of the belief that it’s better to change my mind to accept my body than to change my body to fit the ideal.
I am one of those calorie counters, diet blogging, obsessing if I eat too much kind of people. I am happy in other aspects of my life like career, family and what not but I am not happy with myself fat. I have tried to accept myself at a bigger size but it just isnt possible for ME. When I am at a bigger size, I didnt want to go anywhere, I hated clothes shopping and I had no energy. Now that I am thinner, I like to buy clothes, I have energy from exercising and when I look in the mirror I dont want to puke. But this is just me *shrugs*
On contrare — part of my happiness DOES come from my body. Celebrating its every muscle, curve, shape. No matter my size transitions, I love it in all of its stages, and I appreciate it as much as I appreciate my enthusiasm, my intelligence, my laugh, and everything inside that makes me who I am.
BMI tells me I’m overweight, my shirt sizes tell me I’m large, I take up too much room for some people, but fuck, I am HAPPY, I will take up as much room as I please, and recovering from a five-year eating disorder, discovering vegan baking, and running for the fun of it instead of to burn off calories has made me appreciate, love, and rely on my body for this happiness.
To those of you who want to be “smaller” to find cuter clothes, know this: No matter your weight or size, if your figure deviates from the conventional small-hipped, small-breasted female ideal, you’ll have a hell of a time finding clothes you love. I’ve accepted this long ago and have since put a little more effort into shopping, with fantastic results.
I promise you’ll make it. The habits will go away one by one, and some may stay with you for a very long time, but self-love speaks so much louder than the voice demanding portion control.
Do I know someone with that sense of happiness? Absolutely. Me, and my best friend. Now, it took me the first 24 years of life to get there. And it didn’t come from losing weight. I weigh 250 pounds, and I wear a size 22 pants. That hasn’t changed since I stopped hating myself.
There are so many things that make me happy. My friends, my family, my pets, my favorite books. Breathing through my nose for the first time after my sinus surgery. Stretching after a long nap. My body fat? Well, it’s neither a force of good nor evil. It simply is.
That’s not to say I never have a negative thought about my body, but they’re very rare. I don’t actually remember the last time I had one.
A comment at the original article says that overweight people can’t be happy because of the health risks–well, everyone has health risks of one sort or another. Does that mean nobody is happy? Another person said that if given a choice, a magical cure, would people really choose to be fat? I wouldn’t, but it’s not because I’m not happy. I’d also chose to be taller if it were an option. I’d choose for my hair to grow faster, and my nails to be stronger. Does any of that mean I’m not happy?
Very sad. I won’t lie, I will have issues with myself from time to time, but the vast majority of my days are spent being 100% ok with my body. I got a big ol’ gut, butt, boobs, arms, whatever. I am flat out fat. I know, however, that if I were to somehow lose weight…even if I got down to 200 pounds, I’d still be huge. I’m not petite in structure. I wear a 10 or 11 wide shoe, my head is 26 inches around, I’m 5?8, I have the shoulders of a linebacker and a tendency to build muscle. I will never be the petite, so-called “universally desirable” shell that seems to be acceptable.
Except for the shoe size and being one inch taller, this is me. Sometimes, I do wish that even being a size 20 or 22 would be good.
I’ve always joked that with my shoulders, I could play football, and that I was related to William “The Refrigerator” Perry. Cute, petite, and dainty I will never be, but that’s OK. If people can’t look past my fat to get to know me or treat me with respect and dignity, those people are not worth my time.
This indeed a difficult question. First I think it depends on how overweight or “obese” you really are. I thought for many years that my weight didn’t bother me and didn’t affect how I felt about myself. Until I lost 80 pounds and noticed that I was smiling more, wanted to go out more, was more social and was feeling more confident. I really didn’t know how angry and unhappy I was until I made that physical change. I was close to 300 pounds! Anyone carry that much weight (I am 5’5″ and was about 150 pounds overweight) has issues and overeating and putting on the pounds is a symptom of a bigger problem. Many people settle for life circumstances they feel they don’t know how to change, carrying double your normal weight is right up there with remaining in a miserable relationship, alcohol, drugs, etc.
We shouldn’t hate ourselves because we are overweight, but we should love ourselves enough to face reality a deal with the issues that cause us to turn to food for comfort.
My happiness comes from learning to do new things and accomplishing something, it doesn’t have a thing to do with the size of my body. My happiness comes from making my husband crack up with laughter and spending time with my friends. My happiness comes from doing things that make a difference.
When I was focused on making my body conform to the thin ideal, I wasn’t focusing on things that made me truly happy. Once I focused on the real world, I stopped being so miserable all the time. I had more energy for other people, and I had more freedom to be myself.
So yeah, a really fat person can be happy, even when they’re disabled and size 30, it’s all about moving beyond punishing your body to living your life.
How about turning it on its head?
I struggle with chronic clinical depression. I’ve had issues with it since I was about twelve, though I didn’t get diagnosed and start getting help until I was twenty. And the depression has never been all about being fat (though the eating disorder didn’t help, but that was a coping mechanism for being unmedicated). It has to do with insane standards I set for myself, with academia becoming the measure of my self-worth, with feeling like I will never be loved. I was my thinnest and working out five days a week when I hit bottom and started therapy and meds. I’ve never experienced depression as being caused by the size of my ass.
When I was reading the article what came to mind is when I experienced the most UNHAPPINESS in my life…
1. When I was a professional athlete and was required to maintain my weight at 135 lbs. at 69 inches tall. I had to workout above and beyond my daily 5-6 hours with my team and throw in running and weights to keep it down. Also close to weigh-ins I had to restrict to get rid of the last few pounds.
2. Fast-forward ten years and I hit my highest weight of 365 lbs. It took a lot of unbalanced years of bingeing and struggling with unbalanced relationships with food and lack of activity (any at all).
I guess my point is… for a few years I hovered between 210-225 lbs and was happy as can be. I was eating for enjoyment and nutrition and energy. I was also doing all of the activities I loved. It was a balanced time in my life where my body just kind of relaxed and I enjoyed myself. I had no problems with mobility but was able to do most of what “thin” people could do.
I really believe I can be happy and overweight. I also believe it has to be at a comfortable weight for my body (not too thin, not too heavy) and I have to be taking care of myself by being active and eating for enjoyment with moderation and balance. I believe that personal happiness comes from caring for yourself in every way.
i’ve been about 225 lbs. and i’ve been around 133 lbs. in the past 3 years and yes, there was a difference in how happy i was, but i don’t think it was about my body image. honestly, i just think i have issues, regardless of my body size. i don’t think losing weight, or gaining about 12 lbs. back in the past year has changed that. i haven’t been out on a date. i have barely even flirted with anyone. okay, enough about me. all this is to say, that i for one do not think that happiness or contentment has anything do, at least for me, with body weight.
I think, while unfortunate, I agree with the writer’s opinion. I think that anyone who feels insecure about their size (regardless of if they are ‘actually’ overweight, whatever that means) is caught in a constant state of flux between satisfaction (I hesitate to say happiness) and dissatisfaction with their body.
I have weighed as low as 128lbs and as high as 210lbs in the past 7 years and at all weights in between, high and low, I had moments of complete and total self loathing. I never felt happier and I never felt sadder. I think that being heavier just gives an embodiment to my self-hatred or depression, but it’s not a symptom or a cause, it just IS.
And yes, sometimes I walk down the street and feel homely or inadequate and I also look at other people, fatter people or uglier people and think “how are they happy when I’m not” but I think it all comes down to ME. So when we talk about this kind of perspective, I think it’s probably best to remember that this is a PERSON writing it, and as most people who have struggled to lose weight will probably attest, it’s a hard and emotionally exhausting pursuit. It’s almost impossible to emerge with an in-tact sense of self and positive body image/self esteem.
Lots of things make me happy. Doing activities that I like and feeling physically fit and well are among those things. Right at this moment, there are various things bothering me, and one of them is the fact that I don’t have time to follow the exercise patterns that make me feel fit and well.
The result of that is that I’m slightly heavier than I was when I was doing these things. So you could call me discontented with my body at the moment, but I don’t think the discontent is all tied up in the fat that I’m overweight; it’s because my life is too busy for me to live the way I want to live. When I had more free time, I was still overweight, and I don’t think most people would see enough of a difference to notice.
I remember during my teenage years being discontented with my body itself; it seemed ugly and unpleasant and undesirable. That wasn’t fun. I learned not to see it that way, but I still feel a need to do things that make it feel good. I don’t blame myself for not having time to exercise, but I still wish I did have time. Does that make sense?
I recently relaxed into myself. It wasn’t one thing I read, though fat acceptance blogs did help, as did thinking through the implications of my faith.
I realized, I am simply a big woman. I am big online with big words, big mind, big ideas, big creativity, and that’s fine. In real life I am generous and warm and a hugely personable personality. Why am I worrying about the size of my ass? I am big because all of me, inside and out, is big and lush and beautiful.
I would like to have less belly, but that is a “how clothes fit” issue, and my knees would be happier with me carrying less total pounds on stairs. But that is because I have a large Q angle, not because I weigh 264 instead of 200.
I don’t want to be thin. Thin disappears. I am a great big vivid heavy-scented rose, not a small violet. Why am I trying to be small? And so I tried not making myself small, and liked it. So I’m keeping on with that.
I’m a relatively happy individual, in general. However, In the last year or so I’ve decided to accept my body as it is, after decades of unsuccessful dieting. I’m not “happier” but I am more comfortable with myself and more confident. Coworkers say they see the difference in the way I dress and the way I carry myself and act.
I will never be happy with my body. That doesn’t mean that I will never be happy at all, or happy in general. I just will never be happy with my body because never again have the body I did at 30, which I realize now was pretty darn great, but even then was not the body I wanted to have.
I do not judge others’ bodies by this standard. I am just extremely exacting with myself. I will never meet my own standards. But I can’t give them up.
I just am happy about other things. My body isn’t one of them.
How many thin people are truely happy? I find it odd that being “happy” is supposed to mean you dont have any body insecurities. I dont think ive met a single person, big or small, that doesnt have any insecurities.
Kelly Turner
http://www.groundedfitness.com
Wow how bizarre I just wrote a post about this on my blog. In short, I am not happy been overweight but I get on with life despite that. Just like someone might not be happy with a big nose but just deal with it. I don’t look in the mirror and think ‘wow your fat looks awesome’ but when I do start to think negatively about it I try to push it out of my mind. One thing I have learnt lately is there is always something for everyone and what you may not find attractive someone else will. So why bother worrying?
Pingback: body image | Pace and Kyeli
This post reminds me of an article I read years ago about women who’d gone through weight loss surgery. http://nymag.com/nymetro/health/features/1868/
Of course, “thin” doesn’t mean happy. But when you’ve been struggling with weight and body image all your life (and for many it’s a daily struggle), it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “Once I lose this weight my life will fall into place.” Our society tells fat people that everything that may be wrong in our lives is a result of us being fat–we’re lazy, lonely, unloved, and ugly (remember those hateful Subway ads?). And we also do that with other long term goals–I’ll be happy when I get that new job, when I finish my degree, when I move to that new city, etc.
What the New York Magazine article showed is that there are some people who are willing to risk their lives for this happiness of being thin, only to discover that they are just as unhappy after the surgery. (In one woman’s case, it appeared that thinness made her more obnoxious, not happier).
I think it is naive to think that in our society today weight and happiness are not related at all. Of course there are some enlightened people who can somehow block out the constant bombardment of thin=pretty=happy. Unfortunately I am not one of these people, but I am working on it. Logically I know that my dress size should have nothing to do with how happy I am. But I was raised in a family where much of my self worth was measured by my appearance. Where as a young girl I was encouraged to go on crash diet after crash diet, take the dreaded phen-phen, and even undergo WLS (which did not work).
However, since I discovered FA about a year ago I have been working on silencing that voice in my head that constantly whispers to me “you are ugly, you are fat and no one will ever love you!”
I dare to stand in front of my mirror naked (gasp!) and compliment my body.
I stand taller and prouder, I flirt, I smile broader and laugh louder.
I know that learning to love and accept myself AS I AM is a long process. But I am trying.
So in answer to the question; yes it is possible, but for some people like me, it is very very hard to overcome messages that bombard me everyday and just be happy, but I know that it will happen, and I will be “truly” happy without having to diet first.
To the previous poster who mentioned that she’d once been – gasp! – close to 300 pounds and that “anyone carrying that kind of weight has issues,” I can only say that I feel sorry for you. I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, I’ve lost over 100 pounds several times, and yet I’m happier now (at “close to 300 pounds”) than I’ve ever been, and it’s because I’m not hating myself or my body most of the time. My body is a vessel that carries me around to do all of the things I need and want to do in life…it’s neither “bad” nor “good” (just like foods aren’t bad or good either), it just IS. My body size doesn’t have anything to do with how I feel emotionally any more and perhaps, as another commenter mentioned, it’s more of a 41 year old thing, but I’ve got more important things to enjoy in life now and having a huge stomach isn’t going to stop that joy.