31 Responses to 12-Year-Old Asks What She's "Doing Wrong"

1. bellacoker, on June 6th, 2008 at 5:28 pm Said:

   That website made me very, very sad.
2. Kim, on June 6th, 2008 at 7:02 pm Said:

   Oh God. That letter so reminds me of myself at that age. How I remember…

   I think your answer is just right. Everyone at that age feels awful–especially young women.

   And her body will be changing a lot in the next few years. And she will look back in pictures and wonder why she worried, although she will probably also see that those “awkward years” hit everyone and we often see in pictures that we were really cute when young, then a bit awkward, and then it gets better.

   I didn’t really hit my stride until my 20s. And I didn’t gain confidence until my 30s (although that is also the time when I gained the most weight, I became more able to love myself and not worry about others–which was really the best thing!).

   I’m still working on accepting myself, although I have improved over those dark years in my teens.

   This girl should know, she isn’t alone, she shouldn’t worry about others (and their bodies and their opinions) even when it is hard not to think about that, and just to keep being healthy (for the sake of health and energy–not thinness). And she shouldn’t despair–She is beautiful even if she doesn’t realize it.

   She will figure it out later. With confidence, comes beauty. It will just take time to grow into it. Until then, fake it ’till you make it. (And I second the idea of getting better clothes–since she complains about tight pants and fat hanging out of the shirts, she really needs to get clothes that fit and flatter). Good clothing will help the confidence level and that really does make a big difference.
3. Becky, on June 6th, 2008 at 7:39 pm Said:

   The comment about hips sticking out makes me think she probably just started puberty earlier than her friends.

   Sweetie, if you’re reading this, you’re not doing anything wrong. Developing hips that stick out and fat reserves on various parts of the body is a normal part of puberty for most women. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, it just means you’re going from a child’s body to a woman’s, and it may be that your woman’s body will be bigger or curvier than that of some of your friends. That’s okay, really it is. It doesn’t make you ugly or mean there’s anything wrong with you. And if there’s flesh sticking out of your size 7 pants or size medium clothes, think about trying a size 9 or large. I know it might seem hard for you to go up to a bigger number, but there is nothing wrong with wearing a size 9, and you will feel more attractive and comfortable in properly fitting clothes.
4. alice, on June 6th, 2008 at 8:18 pm Said:

   (addressed to the writer directly) I agree with Mo that you’re already doing the right things – you’re eating healthily, getting exercise and that’s awesome. What I think you also need to be doing is treating your body kindly – get some kick-ass clothes and rock it! Being uncomfortable is *not* something that you have to put your body through, and if there’s a shirt that fits better in a large – wear it! Cut out the tag if it makes you more comfortable about it, but wearing clothes that fit and fit well is something everyone deserves.

   It sucks to be different from your friends, and especially to feel different around something that you get so much pressure from society about. However, we *are* all different, and there isn’t anything that you can do to change that. Learning to recognize all of the great things about yourself is one of the best and fastest ways to stop feeling bad about those differences, though. Some of those skinny girls will feel ashamed about not filling out a bikini, and some of the skinny guys will be nervous about having skinny legs sticking out of their board shorts. Having a bunch of us tell you that there are other people feeling awkward may not help you out immediately, but hopefully you’ll be able to inspire some of them as you’re treating your own body well.
5. Marle, on June 6th, 2008 at 9:15 pm Said:

   Mo Pie, you probably should delete this post. There are legal problems relating to the participation with 13-year-olds and younger in in forums, chat, and blog comments, and this skirts that boundary. You may need parental approval.
6. Sal, on June 6th, 2008 at 10:10 pm Said:

   This is so sad to me.

   When I was that age, I didn’t know what was wrong with my body, I just knew I wasn’t like other girls.

   It was a few years later that I realized that certain body characteristic are genetic, and cannot be changed.

   But by then I had already started on the downhill cylcle of dieting/regaining.

   And now I am fat, and that’s okay, but now I am 62 years old, and I still weep for my 13 year old self.
7. Crystal, on June 6th, 2008 at 10:43 pm Said:

   The thing I try to tell all young girls I know is that I wasted SO MUCH time thinking badly of myself because of how my body looked, from about 7th grade until I was about 30. It was such a huge WASTE of my time – I look back at photos of myself and I looked great! I was healthy and beautiful – I just couldn’t see it for myself. I could have lived so much more fully and had such a better time if I had just been able to feel okay with the body I had (unfortunately I didn’t have anyone to tell me that, I had to realize it for myself) We’re all made different and I’m glad for that – it makes life beautiful and interesting.

   I wish I had some magic wand to wave over girls today so that they wouldn’t agonize over the same stupid things I did – wasting so much time and energy instead of trying out for the play, or putting on a swim suit and going swimming or wearing shorts on a sweltering day . . . I hope this girl realizes what a beautiful person she is and just goes out to live a full and confident life.
8. mo pie, on June 6th, 2008 at 11:04 pm Said:

   Marle, thanks for the heads up. I assume you’re referring to COPPA, but as far as I know, the legal issues come into play when it involves a child’s personal information. This person did not provide a name or an e-mail address, so I think this post is still fine.
9. sunrise, on June 7th, 2008 at 12:27 am Said:

   Dear 12yr old girl:

   There is nothing wrong with you. You are not fat or huge. You are still growing. A few years from now you will be taller and once your body stops growing and is done with puberty you will look different.

   My friend and I (we are both 22yrs old) were talking about and sharing photos of when we were pre-teens and teens and we both agreed that every kid looks cute (but kinda funny and weird) between the ages of 11-17. Once you get into your older teen years, your body will look much better than now. Trust me, you and your friends are probably all funny looking yet cute at the same time.

   Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t listen to those dumbass friends of yours and what other people say. Everyone dislikes something about themselves or their body. ..even now as an adult. Honestly, you probably won’t be friends or talk to most of the people who criticize you 10yrs from now.

   Some people are naturally skinny and do absolutely nothing to keep it up, while others do. It means nothing. Most of these people will end up out of shape and feeling like they are fat too once they hit 30yrs old and their metabolism slows down.

   Right now as a kid, just focus on having (responsible, age appropriate) fun with your friends :) Consider getting new friends who make you feel good about yourself just the way you are and dont think you should change. Get to know different cultures, too.

   There are many parts of the world where you are considered perfect b/c you can eat everyday and are a healthy weight while there are poor kids worldwide dying b/c they eat 2x a week and can only drink dirty water!! Count your blessings!

   Right now there is another 12yr old girl in this world who is about to get sent into a forced marriage with some man who is 30yrs older than her and she has to have his children…..

   Right now there is some poor 12yr old girl in Thailand that is suffering because she has been sold into prostitution by her family (or kidnapped)…

   Right now there is another 12yr old girl in Africa who doesn’t know that her village will perform a female circumcision (female genital mutilation or FGM)…..

   Right now as you are reading this there is a 12yr old girl somewhere in America who has been shuttled from foster home to foster home and feels like she has no family and no one who loves her….

   Right now there is another 12yr old girl who is beaten and abused on a daily basis by a close family member IN EVERY COUNTRY in this world.

   Be thankful that you have the LUXURY of complaining that you are fat. Things in life could be so much more worse. I implore you and your friends to maybe get involved or start a club to help raise money to help the poor 12yr old girls around the world we should truly feel sorry for instead of worrying about your body.
10. Charlotte, on June 7th, 2008 at 1:09 am Said:

    That letter made me so sad. I’m sad for that 12 year old girl, and I’m sad for my 12 year old self who was convinced (by myself and other people) that there was something wrong with my body.

    By the time I got to middle school (I was 11) my body had drastically changed from what it looked like in elementary school; I went from being a very thin child to a full figured adolescent. I had full, round hips, thighs, and a belly. Almost all the other girls I knew were thin. It was hard being the only one with my body type.

    The only thing that young girl is doing wrong is not loving herself the way she is and celebrating the things that make her beautiful.
11. you're alright!, on June 7th, 2008 at 1:30 am Said:

    The media wants you to feel bad about yourself. If you feel bad and think you’re not pretty/blonde/thin/whatever enough, then maybe you’ll buy their shampoo or deodorant or face cream or whatever they’re selling.

    I mean, the way they make you want their stuff is not by saying “Oh, my stuff is the best…” They get you to want their stuff by thinking that maybe if you buy it, you’ll look the way you’re “supposed to” or get the “perfect boyfriend” or find the “best job”.

    And the sad part is that the media does a really good job at it, because so many of us really feel like we’re not okay just the way we are! It’s not a problem with you, it’s a problem for every woman in our whole country, and it sucks.

    I think you should watch a video called “Killing Us Softly 3” by Jean Kilbourne. I’m pretty sure you can find the whole thing on Google video, and it’s only like 30 minutes long. This lady is really smart and cool and funny, and the whole thing is about looking at ads in magazines and on TV that are part of that whole “you’re not good enough” thing. I think it can help you realize that you are great the way you are, and that there are all these companies that are trying to sell you stuff by ruining your self-esteem.

    Maybe after you watch that, you can make a cool zine or booklet with your friends, or a video, talking about what you think of it, what ads really make you feel crappy, and what kinds of things you all do to make yourself feel OK the way you are (things like dancing, or exercising, or writing poetry, or whatever). And maybe you’d want to share it with other girls your age so we can all start to see this “feel like crap” campaign for what it is, and fight against it, and make this world a place where girls and boys don’t feel like they have to look a certain way to feel like they are good and OK.
12. Jeanette, on June 7th, 2008 at 6:08 am Said:

    Maybe I’m the only one who really remembers being 12, because the big thing I remember is this: when you’re 12, you don’t want people saying “you’re 12 and you’ll outgrow this and look back and laugh.” That doesn’t help. It doesn’t help with your first broken heart, or your first backstabbing friend…it doesn’t work. Period.

    So here’s what I have to say, and here’s the thing: it applies equally to twelve year olds and fifty year olds. If you can read this at 12 and take it to heart, that is so awesome, because there are plenty of 30 and 60 year olds who can’t figure it out yet.

    All these adults will tell you that it gets better. And it does. But here’s what no one’s going to tell you. While you’re looking around your classroom at the girl with the perfect body, she’s thinking about her body, too: that her hips are too big, or that her cheeks seem puffy today, or that her ears stick out too much.

    It can be stupid crap like that, too. Stuff that seems ridiculous, and you’d say to that girl, “SHUT UP, you have a perfect body, I’d die for that body.” But to her, it’s just as real and awful as it is for you, looking at the number 7 as you put on pants and dreading maybe even going up another size.

    So even if you suddenly had that body, you would find something else not to be happy with about it. Why? Well, that’s tricky. I like to think that it’s because human beings like to improve themselves, always. It’s why we’re so good at staying alive, and why humans are the dominant species on the planet. And right now, in our culture, the thing we tell people (especially girls, but it’s true for boys, too!) is most important to improve is their body. But just like a scientist doesn’t just say “well, I figured out a new theory, I’m happy and I can just go retire now because I achieved my goal,” and instead keeps working for new goals, when we reach our body goals, all we do is set new, even more difficult ones. It’s human nature. The problem is that when we do this with our bodies, we’re saying to ourselves that we need to make our bodies the big, central goal of our lives.

    But here’s the problem with bodies. They don’t stay “perfect” forever. Even the person you think has the best body in the world — they’re going to get old. Wrinkly. Saggy. Old bodies have a different shape than young bodies, and our culture tells us that’s gross. Whether you think it’s gross or not, it’s true. None of us can stay young forever. And since we think old people look gross, all that effort we spend to make ourselves look absolutely perfect…it ends up wasted, because who can have the magazine-perfect beach body when they’re 80? What senior citizens have flawless, wrinkle-free skin?

    But at the same time, we do have to set goals. That’s — like I said — part of our nature. Instead of setting them for something that goes away really fast, be the first person in your crowd to say “screw this, I want my goals to be something that will last.” A goal of making sure you’re healthy (which it sounds like you’re already doing) is great, because there are always ways you can keep that goal up and make sure you’re being good to your body. But make your goals something outside of your body as well.

    Now, I’ll tell you something you already know. That’s REALLY HARD. No one is saluted for being really smart, or really funny, on magazine covers. Everyone seems to only get praise when they’re hot. If it helps? Think of this as a test for people. If they like you, the real you, they won’t want you to hate your body, and they won’t hate it either.

    One thing you might find: it’s hard to accept your body, so try “faking it ’til you make it.” Next time you hear someone complaining about their weight or body, say “Huh, that’s funny. I wear a size bigger than you and I’m totally okay with it. I think I look great, and I think you do, too.” You’ll feel REALLY WEIRD when you say it. Scared, even. But usually, even if they make a mean comment the first time you say something like this, if you keep saying it, you’ll be surprised: you can not only change yourself, you can change your whole group of people, even your whole class.

    Don’t believe me? Well, okay. I lived your total worst nightmare in high school (I was 12 going into high school because I was the nerdy kid who skipped grades). I weighed two hundred pounds. That’s right. 2-0-0. Not only did I not wear the same size as my classmates, I couldn’t even go to the same stores. It was major humiliation to go shopping. Until I started the “fake it ’til you make it” strategy. I told myself that even if I felt terrible about my body I was going to try to show confidence about it. And the longer I showed confidence on the outside, the more I felt it on the inside. When I was 12, people made fun of me for being fat. When I was 13, I started telling people “yeah, whatever, I’m fat, big deal.” Instead of talking about the parts of my body I hated, I talked about the things I liked, even when all I could think of that I liked was my nose (I have a GREAT nose, by the way!). Within a year, no one made fun of me for being fat. For that matter, they didn’t make fun of ANYONE ELSE in the school for being fat. All it took was one person not being ashamed or upset. All it took was one person who refused to let a bigger clothing size mean they were worthless.

    So now, think of all the girls in your school who are BIGGER than you. There are some, I guarantee it. Sometimes all it takes is one person standing up. You could save them, and you, one hell of a lot of trouble. Let everyone you know see that hating your body is not the ONLY option.
13. Kitty, on June 7th, 2008 at 11:07 am Said:

    Jeanette, I totally agree with you that it’s not a big help (though it’s certainly well-intentioned) to say “When you’re 30, you’ll love how you looked at 12.” It’s true, but that doesn’t mean it’s helpful when you’re living in the hell that is the preteen years. Also, you hit the nail on the head here:

    “While you’re looking around your classroom at the girl with the perfect body, she’s thinking about her body, too: that her hips are too big, or that her cheeks seem puffy today, or that her ears stick out too much.”

    EVERYONE at 12 (and 13, and 15, and 18…) hates SOMETHING about their appearance, if not the whole thing. Which is sad, because everyone is beautiful in some way. Some people have gorgeous eyes, some have flawless skin, some have silky hair that they can grow to their ankles without getting a split end. But we’re taught that if we can’t somehow get all those things at once, we’re disgusting monsters, and all those models and actresses in magazines are getting it “right,” so why can’t we? The truth is they’re not getting it “right,” they’ve just got personal trainers, hair stylists, makeup artists, and people to help them pick out flattering clothes, and it’s all of those things that make them look “perfect” on the red carpet or on a magazine cover. Google “celebrities without makeup” and you’ll find a ton of photos that prove that even Avril Lavigne doesn’t look like Avril Lavigne when she hasn’t spent hours in a makeup chair. And she’s beautiful without the raccoon eyes and blown-out hair, too. (Don’t take people’s nasty comments about celebs without makeup too seriously, though; if you can’t love a person without their full arsenal of makeup and thousand-dollar dresses, you don’t really love them at all. And there are plenty of people who don’t need all that crap to love a person.)

    You probably feel so weird and uncomfortable in your body because you’re so used to how it used to look and feel before you hit puberty. You lived in your child’s body for 10 or more years before it suddenly started puffing out in weird ways, so the changes seem weird and gross. But they’re not. They’re normal and natural. I guarantee you there are girls in your class who envy your hips and thighs because they give you a woman’s shape. And even the skinniest girls in your class DO grow hips, they just might do it a little slower than you do. Everyone goes through puberty and everyone hates it, because it’s HARD. But you’re beautiful, and as you become more comfortable in your new body, you’ll start to feel beautiful, too.

    Like others have said, next time you get to buy new clothes, don’t just pick a size because it’s what you’re “supposed” to wear. Maybe you don’t even have to look at the size tags. Just hold things up to see if they look like they’ll fit, and then TRY EVERYTHING ON to make sure it looks good on you. The size on the tag doesn’t matter (sizes are different for different brands, anyway). What matters is that you pick clothes that look good on you, let you move comfortably, and make you feel beautiful. If you squeeze yourself into clothes that are too small, the clothes will be tight and uncomfortable and just make you feel ugly. It’s not that you’re ugly, it’s that the clothes aren’t right for you. If you feel good in your clothes, you’ll feel better about your body.

    I was almost exactly your size through middle school and high school, maybe a size bigger. And I had guys with secret crushes on me the whole time, who I never found out about until after graduation (stupid boys). And guys with not-secret crushes on me. ;) My point is, you’re beautiful, and the more you believe it, the more other people will see that beauty radiating out from you. And though some people may be too shy and caught up in their own insecurities to let you know how beautiful they think you are, there are people thinking it every day, I promise.
14. Christine, on June 7th, 2008 at 11:16 am Said:

    Just last month I came across a bunch of pictures of me at age 12, wearing a swimsuit. (They were family vacation photos.) I couldn’t believe it. My memories of that age are of being fat and ugly. In reality, I was beautiful and healthy. I barely even look chubby – I look like a perfectly “normal” girl. Dear God, if only I could have seen in the mirror then what I see in the photos now – I wouldn’t have spent the majority of my life feeling fat and ugly and inferior (and I would probably be much closer to that size now, instead of the size years of dieting has brought me to).
15. spacedcowgirl, on June 7th, 2008 at 1:19 pm Said:

    To the 12-year-old girl:

    I wanted to echo Jeanette and kitty’s comments that everyone feels insecure about their body, and that the girls that you might think have it totally together are probably worrying about some of the same things you are, and maybe wishing their bodies were more like yours.

    I also agree with several posters that getting comfortable clothes that fit you is super-important to how you feel about yourself. And consider that a 7 at one store might be uncomfortable not because it’s too small period, but just because that store’s clothes don’t fit your particular body shape very well. In either case it’s the clothes that are the problem, not your body. Keep on shopping and try a whole bunch of different stores that you might not normally go into, and likely you will find that there are some lines that work for your body and are flattering, and others that pinch and are uncomfortable or the sleeves are too short or whatever. (Doing this might also help remind you that girls’ and women’s clothing sizes are completely weird–maybe you wear a 5 in this store and a 9 in this one over here and a 6 or 4 in this other one. The important thing is that the clothes fit and feel good, not the random number on the tag.) Anyway, to hell with stores where the clothes don’t fit right–why give your money to some company where the clothes are uncomfortable and make you feel bad about yourself?

    I also want to add one other thing, and I hope this doesn’t come out wrong because I do firmly believe that size is totally irrelevant. All the advice Mo gave you would still apply no matter what size you wore–if you’re happy and healthy, then you’re fine. But a junior 7 is a very small size, and I think it’s possible that some of the girls you see as thin and beautiful actually wear that exact same size–you just think they’re thin and pretty because they’re someone else, and see yourself as fat because you’re you. Sometimes when we fixate on our bodies and are focusing on what we see as the bad parts all the time, we can start to get a really distorted image of how we actually look. So when you look in the mirror, you may be seeing an image that is much bigger than what everyone else actually sees when they look at you.

    I think that’s part of what has been meant by the commenters who point out that you will probably look back on this when you’re older and feel sad because you were so beautiful but thought you were so ugly. Part of it is that as you get older, you tend to get a better perspective on your body and all the amazing things it can do (like run a race, or do a demanding job, or have a baby, or care for a home and family, or all of the above) and to realize that you are beautiful and always have been, and deserve to be kind to yourself no matter what the size tag in your pants says. But part of it is also just that with time and distance you will probably realize that your anxiety about your body was causing you to see yourself as bigger than you actually were.

    Good luck and take care of yourself. Try not to waste some of the most fun, exciting years of your life hating your body. Get out there and enjoy all of the fun stuff you like to do, and do it wearing comfortable, cute clothes and looking awesome! And have a great summer too since school’s out. :)

    P.S. sunrise, no offense meant because I think we all need to hear the points you made in your comment, but when I was a kid I well remember a therapist making a similar point to me (e.g. “you’re lucky that all you have to worry about is your weight and your eating”) and it devastated me. Not only was I miserable, but now I was a self-centered brat as well. She was just trying to help and give me another way to look at my problems, but I felt incredibly guilty about the whole thing, and obviously it stuck with me enough that I am remembering it now. So while I think for some people this might provide a dose of much-needed perspective and the ability to look outside yourself, for me it just made everything worse and made me feel so much more guilty and ashamed that I couldn’t just quit whining and lose weight (and I had felt plenty guilty before). My 2 cents.
16. Christine, on June 7th, 2008 at 4:19 pm Said:

    Sorry, I just re-read what I wrote earlier and thought I should clarify. Back then, I was a junior’s size 13 and it looked beautiful and healthy on me. I’m now a women’s 26. I firmly believe that a lifetime of dieting has destroyed my metabolism and that, if I’d never started and had been encouraged to love my body as it was THEN, I’d still be at or near a size 13 NOW.
17. SighForever, on June 7th, 2008 at 7:31 pm Said:

    Do yourself a big favor and buy clothes that fit. No matter what you weigh you will always look and feel better in clothes that fit. When your idiot friends talk about their weight and say “I’m so fat” just bluntly tell them “So what? your the best friend I have ever had.”

    And most of all forget you even have a body to worry about. Just be you.

    Wear a bikini, swim, jump, play, be in plays, paint, craft, play computers, hike, do math, read books, and enjoy this time of your life. You get ten-fifteen years to be a teen and after that you are pretty much stuck as an adult. And standing up straight and tall; never hunching over can get you through everyday. Keep that head held high and proud.

    If people call you names, stand up for yourself. Punch em in the face if you have to but I tell you I regret not hitting or telling off every rude little bastard back in school who teased me for being tall.

    And never, ever, believe anyone who tells you can’t do something because “you are too chubby.” Sadly many mothers see their daughters as competition and a constant reminder of their aging. Mine tried to humble me so I was not competition by telling me I was ugly and no one would ever love me if I was fat.

    17 years later I am 33 and at my heaviest. I have had MANY lovers, wild times, dressed in wild sex clothes, been tattooed and pierced, and now married to a big strong French-Canadian guy. We make love all the time and have a great life together. Did Fat stop that? Sure it tried but reality triumphed.

    Junior High school is over after 2-3years. High School is 4. The rest of your left NOTHING you learned from it socially is relevant. Throw away those Seventeen magazines and check into BUST or something.
    Love Pachamama!
18. someone, on June 7th, 2008 at 11:04 pm Said:

    I can see that my other comment didn’t make it past moderation. I’ll try to make this one a little less inflammatory.

    What is wrong with a girl trying to control her own appearance? I understand that people can be happy, healthy, and fat, but if they don’t want to be fat, why on earth would you tell them there is NOTHING they can do to lose weight?

    When I was a little fat girl, some people told me I would never lose weight. I resent that!

    Many people in this thread are saying that fat cannot prevent you from doing anything. You people should be embarrassed for being so deluded. Yes, I know from experience that fat girls can do sports and be good at them, but suppose a fat girl wanted to be a professional athlete? She would have to lose weight first. Of course, you don’t have to be a professional to have fun and be healthy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a worthy goal. Some people want to lose weight, and that isn’t some kind of sin.
19. hyrax, on June 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm Said:

    I was her height/weight when I was 20, and I’m pretty curvy. The ‘hips stick out’ really does make me think she maybe needs to go up to ‘adult women’ sizes, not the ‘juniors’ that are more for girls who haven’t developed/filled out yet.

    Unfortunately she may start getting attention from adult men soon, which is the potentially creepy part of this; I don’t think it’s really about ‘losing weight’ at all.

    There are some awfully cute one-piece suits, and less opportunities for sunburn – maybe checking out clothes she likes and that fit and look good on her would help.
20. Liz, on June 8th, 2008 at 7:11 pm Said:

    Well, also, a lot of people at age 12 haven’t really hit puberty or haven’t really grown into their bodies, and they may be skinny then but won’t be for very long, or won’t be forever! Before I was 18 I was the “eat anything I want and never gain a pound type”. Eventually my metabolism slowed down and I stopped getting my period only 2/year and actually filled out. There are so many deer-legged scrawny twelve year olds out there whom she won’t even recognize ten years from now.

    (And everyone who mentioned that it’s the norm to think you’re ugly at age twelve is right! I was, as I mentioned, a scrawny (skinny) kid, but I felt ugly because I was flat-chested and had glasses and braces and a bumpy nose, etc. Awkward is just the status quo at age 12.)
21. Susan, on June 8th, 2008 at 10:37 pm Said:

    Perhaps it’s time to take down the “Hello I am Fat” blog? I know that it was started by one of the ladies affiliated with Big Fat Deal, but it’s sending a very mixed message (to say the least) to be telling 12 year old girls there’s nothing wrong with them, then they later figure out that the blog author ended up having weight loss surgery.
22. Shinobi, on June 9th, 2008 at 10:26 am Said:

    To the Letter Writer:

    I’ve been 6′ tall since I was 12. And let me tell you, it is not a picnic. I always stand out in photos, I can’t always hear what my friends are saying when we’re in loud places because I am standing at least a head above them. I work now with all men, and I am taller than all of them by at least 7 inches. It’s freaking weird.

    So what I’m saying is, I know, it really really sucks to feel different from your friends. To feel like you stick out, and that there is something wrong with you. But I couldn’t make myself shorter (or skinnier, though I tried.) So I decided I might as well just own it.

    I mean, there are millions of girls who spend every waking moment trying to look just like the girls in the American Eagle ads. (When I was your age it was The Gap.) So I went in a totally different direction. I wore clothes I LOVED even if they weren’t the style. And I did things that I enjoyed, even if they weren’t cool.

    I highly recommend it. Fitting in requires constant maintenance, and changes, to make sure you are never rocking the boat. I think once you find the confidence to own your body and yourself, you’ll find that it is so much easier just to be the best you you can be. Who cares what everyone else thinks? (Chances are they are only thinking about themselves anyway. )

    Good luck!

    Also, Sunrise, it is super uncool to undermine people’s legitimate feelings by pointing out how bad other people have it. I mean, Yes, other people have it bad. There is always someone on earth who has it worse than you. But that doesn’t make how you’re feeling any less valid than their feelings.
23. Anabel, on June 11th, 2008 at 12:07 am Said:

    Susan: why? the writer felt there was something she needed to change so she did, why is that bad?
24. Susan, on June 11th, 2008 at 6:19 am Said:

    Susan: why? the writer felt there was something she needed to change so she did, why is that bad?

    I’m not saying there’s anything bad about it – it’s just that it seems contradictory for someone who has had WLS to sell the message that “you’re fine just as you are”.
25. Brown Recluse, on June 11th, 2008 at 8:39 am Said:

    “Someone”, some of us do have some capacity to change our bodies if we want to badly enough (which makes us lucky, by the way, since some others can’t.) However, telling someone who’s 5’4″, 135 pounds, and a size 7 (juniors) that she is a normal and acceptable and even beautiful size is not “deluded”; it is accurate. THIS IS A NORMAL SIZE–statistically, it’s probably even on the small side. It really, really is. Leaving aside all the issues about how we deal with fat, and whatever size you may have been as a child, the letter writer is still NOT FAT. She should not be encouraged, by you or anyone else, in the widespread (and deluded) belief that a normal size can and should be reduced; the only methods likely to do it are too extreme for a teenager, and indeed for most people.
26. Jen, on June 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm Said:

    Man I wish someone would reach to this girl and explain about differing rates of development. I’m 5’5″ and 135 lbs – at 27. I’ve been nearly that size since I was in 8th grade. I peaked early, and as a result spent several years trying to not eat and exercise compulsively because I thought there was something wrong.

    Turned out there was nothing wrong, I just had an adult body at a young age. A lot of girls AND boys go through this, and I think it’s more common than kids understand. I hope someone explains to her, and all the kids out there like her, that looking like other people shouldn’t be a priority because we all develop differently.
27. Elianah, on June 12th, 2008 at 11:30 pm Said:

    Haha, I’m 14, and my skinny friends always wish they could look like how you described yourself!
    7th grade is a bitch. I’m only 2 years older then you but I can say that it only gets better. Peoples start maturing and stuff, and BAM all the weight finally hits them.
    You need to remember that maybe you don’t look like everybody else, but you just need to learn how to use that to your advantage. Work it or whatever you wanna call it.
    Remember: Someone will always wish they were you.

    Some thoughts:
    1. The most popular girl at my school is probably close to 200 pounds.
    2. You would not be considered fat at all, by anyone, except maybe Nicole Richie and a 2-year-old.
    3. Don’t judge yourself by Hollister’s terms. Seriously. A medium there is like a small in a normal store. I spent two hours once looking for a medium. It was ridiculous.
    4. Don’t you know anything about real fashion? Where what fits. Barely look at a size tag. DON’T EFFIN LOOK AT IT.
    5. Don’t worry about guys. They’ll come to you.
    6. Hold your head up. You aren’t fat anyway, but don’t give people the impression that you’re that fat girl who’s gonna sit in the back of class and do nothing. Been through that. Not fun.
    Good luck! Remember, it gets better!

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30. E. Black, on June 21st, 2008 at 4:03 pm Said:

    Someone, I wonder if you were reading the same comments as me. Obviously you weren’t.

    And to the 12-year-old letter writer,

    I don’t remember how it was being 12 and I won’t tell you that you’ll back on this part of your life and be surprised by your actions, but I will tell you this. I have an 11-year-old sister who is probably your size and is 5’4″. She is a happy, healthy and confident girl with the world ahead of her. She doesn’t worry about how “skinny” her friends are or anyone else for that matter. She only worries about her math tests and/or what she’ll be doing for summer vacation. She has her awkward moments but who doesn’t. You are all right as you are right now, dear. Do not stress over something like this. You are doing all the right things to keep your body fit and healthy. You have to remember that everyone has a different body type and that we aren’t meant to all be the same size.
31. hlynn, on June 24th, 2008 at 8:54 pm Said:

    I read this and saw my twelve year old self before my eyes again. I was the exact same weight/height/pant size when I was 12. If it makes this girl feel any better, I have (and totally had) massively frizzy hair and had (still have!) size C breasts. This made me the ‘fat’ girl in middle school. I had a body that had gone through all of its changes (I have not grown since I was tweleve. No freaking kidding.), and even though my body weight has repositioned itself/shifted around as I got older, my body size/shape essentially never changed.

    Now, you may be thinking ‘I want my body to change!’ The truth is, so many of those people you envy still have pre-pubescent bodies. I watched the same ‘perfect’ skinny people get taller and gain the weight that comes with having puberty. I just happened to go through puberty earlier than they did. Now, you may yet have to go through the major part of your puberty. If you do, don’t worry because your body will balance itself out in the long run. It will. After hating my body and feeling ‘fat’ in middle school and having an eating disorder at thirteen, I got help and started to realize that my body was okay. It had changed, but my body is awesome because it can fix itself.

    One thing that I didn’t do until much later than twelve is join a sports team. I felt too embarassed to go out for any sport in middle school because I wasn’t ‘effortlessly thin’ and didn’t ‘look like an athlete.’ I regret that now because I was always a very active person. I still am. When I joined a sport and started working out a lot, my life became more complete. It surprised many of my friends because I gained a lot of confidence in myself and in my body.

    Also, you should begin to learn your body’s signals. It takes a long time. Not even the ‘pros’ know all about their bodies. However, it pays to start learning young. Stand in front of your mirror and think nice things about yourself. See the good parts of your body first. Really look at your body. See what it looks like today. Suck your stomach in and let it hang out. (There’s not a huge difference, actually, I realized.) Keep working out to make yourself happy. Look at your body after workouts. Take moments to realize how ripped you are. Buy clothes in your size! Branch out and find your own style. (Hollister shirts DO NOT fit girls with breasts above a size B cup. Even that’s pushing it.)

    Essentially, do not do what I did and develop an eating disorder at thirteen. It took me along time to learn to love my body afterwards. Love your body now and tell the people who hate your body ‘fuck you.’ (Or maybe some less profane advice.)

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