Q&A With PastaQueen
Jennette Fulda, better known as PastaQueen, may have lost a couple hundred or so pounds, but she’s been a commenter on and visitor to Big Fat Deal for a long time. On a blog tour for her memoir, Half of Me, she offered to stop by and answer the toughest questions I could come up with about weight loss and fat acceptance. Feel free to discuss the book, her responses, or my questions in the comments here—I know it will be a respectful and interesting discussion. Thanks again to Jennette for answering these questions so extensively, and giving us so much food for thought.
You say: “Whenever I tried hanging around fat-acceptance sites, I felt as if they were trying to make me feel bad for wanting to be thin, which was just as bad as anyone who tried to make me feel bad for being fat… if there were simply a self-acceptance movement, maybe I could have joined that.” What do you see as being the differences between “self acceptance” and “fat acceptance”? What would your self acceptance movement look like?
Before I make any comments about the fat acceptance movement, I’d like to acknowledge that there are many different ideas and forces at work within it, just like any philosophical or political movement. Asking someone what they think of fat acceptance is like asking them what they think about feminism or democracy or Bob Dylan. Maybe you liked his acoustic stuff, but didn’t care for the electric album. The current battle going on in the American Democratic party is proof that even when people are on the same side, they can disagree vehemently on certain issues. I was very careful in my book to only mention my personal experiences with the FA movement. I’m not trying to summarize it as a whole or write any treatises or manifestos. My book is a memoir, so it covers my memories and my personal experiences, nothing else.
That being said, I have visited fat acceptance sites where people tried to make me feel bad about my desire to lose weight. I never told anyone else to lose weight. I never tried to make anyone else feel bad for being fat. I just had to admit that I didn’t like being fat and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. If I didn’t like being a brunette, no one would give me shit about dying my hair blonde. At the same time however, I believe that fat people should not be discriminated against or made to feel bad because of their weight and that fat people deserve equal rights. I just think it’s okay if you prefer not to be one of those fat people. Not everyone agreed with me, which is why some of the sites I personally visited were less like fat acceptance sites and more like “accept you if you’re fat” sites, or at least “accept you if you’re fat and you like it” sites. Acceptance that comes with terms attached isn’t truly acceptance.
So, the difference I see between fat acceptance and self acceptance is that self acceptance means you are cool with whatever you are – fat, thin, a fat person who wants to be thin or even a thin person who wants to be fat. Many people in the fat acceptance movement embody this philosophy brilliantly, others not so much.
In your memoir, you also talk about fat girls who “let their thunder thighs steal their thunder.” What would you say to those girls?
First off, I promise that you are not nearly as fat as you think you are. I look back at photos from high school when I felt like a human blob and now I think “You were so thin!” Second, your size only matters as much as you let it. If you’re really self-conscious and feel bad about yourself, it will show in your body language no matter how big or small you are. If you walk into a room confidently, it will radiate out of you. There are many plus-sized role models who demonstrate these qualities, like Queen Latifah or Beth Ditto, and hopefully there will be many more in the future.
You talk about weight loss blogs and fat acceptance blogs not being mutually exclusive–and yet I’m sure many bloggers would disagree with you. Some fat acceptance blogs are not welcoming of people trying to lose weight at all, and some weight loss blogs claim that fat acceptance is the same as turning one’s back on weight loss. Do you think either of these concerns is valid? I think ultimately both of those types of blogs are about the same thing – the right to do with your body as you chose. For some people that means losing weight and for others it’s declaring that they don’t feel a need to drop any pounds. Just as fat acceptance members don’t want people to give them crap about being fat, people who are losing weight don’t want people to give them crap about eating salads.
Sometimes people take their pride so far in one direction that they create shame in the other direction. For instance, I’ve read threads on message boards where overweight women justifiably complain about how women are mocked on tabloid covers for being fat. Then those same women will make jokes about Kate Bosworth for being a “bag of sticks” and say she should “eat a cheeseburger.” How is this any different than saying a fat girl is a “tub of lard” who should “get on a treadmill?” In both cases you’re ridiculing women for their bodies. Some women are naturally fat and others are naturally thin, and neither group deserves to be humiliated or degraded because of that.
If the lines of communication were more open and welcoming between these groups, I think we could make a lot more positive progress in the world than we do by hating on each other. There aren’t that many people who’ve lived life as a morbidly obese person and as a thin person. This gives me a unique perspective on issues and it would be sad if I was shut out from sharing it with one group or the other simply because of my current size. Sometimes I’ve gotten nasty comments on my blog from people on the extreme edges of the fat acceptance movement. It’s ironic that in a movement that is about not judging people for their size, they’ve stopped by to judge me because of my size.
You talk about accepting yourself, and in that process, accepting that you weren’t happy being fat. Do you think it’s possible to accept yourself as a fat person without accepting your fatness? Do you think the fact that you thought of it this way is what enabled you to lose the weight? In other words, do you think if you’d been a more self-confident fat girl, you might never have been motivated to become thin?
No matter how self-confident I might have been, there were things about being morbidly obese that just sucked. It had nothing to do with what fashion editors in New York put on the covers of magazines. I was so fat that I injured my knee walking up the stairs. I had to have my gallbladder removed at age 23. I became exhausted just tossing a ball around with my cat. My weight was seriously inhibiting me from living the life I wanted to lead. Because of that, I believe I would have been motivated to lose weight no matter what.
So, I obviously knew I was fat and accepted that I was currently a fat person. However, I also believed that I could lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle – and I did. I didn’t accept that being fat was an inescapable part of my life, and for me that turned out to be true.
You lost a great deal of weight without surgery, and have kept it off. Do you think it’s possible or desirable for every fat person to do what you did?
I think every man and woman faces different challenges when it comes to weight loss. Some people are naturally thinner than others and don’t have to work as hard to be slender. Some battle eating disorders which can make it dangerous for them to try losing weight because they do so in ways that are harmful to their health. Some people just don’t have access to fresh fruits and vegetables and lean meats that are part of a healthy diet. These are aspects of our lives that we don’t control. However, we can all exert some control over our environment by choosing to exercise and to make the best eating choices available to us. So, I think weight loss is definitely possible, though it may be harder for some people than others, and potentially dangerous if they go about it in the wrong way.
As far as desirable goes, I think it’s desirable to eat healthy and maintain an active lifestyle. Many times that leads to weight loss, but you can still be somewhat overweight and healthy. According to my BMI, I’m still technically overweight, but all my medical tests say I’m in excellent health. Ultimately, everyone has a right to do with their body as they chose, so they get to lead whatever lifestyle they want to, be it fat or thin, fit or unfit, or any mixture of those adjectives. Leading the life you want to lead is the most desirable thing of all.
You also say you don’t feel like a fat person on the inside anymore. Do you think you were disconnected from your body when you were very heavy? Or do you think the gradual process of weight loss helped you to adjust? Or is there another reason?
I feel defined by my actions. Last weekend I ran a half marathon, which is not something a morbidly obese person can do. (They might be able to walk it, but I don’t know of any 400-pound people who can run the whole thing.) I can carry my groceries up the stairs without panting. I can fit into my car without my belly brushing the wheel. All of these things make up my daily life and make me feel like a thin person.
The slow process of losing weight over 3 years certainly helped me adjust to the changes. I used to check myself out in the mirror ALL THE TIME when I was losing weight, a lot more than I do now. I think it was my mind’s way of recalibrating my self-image every day.
Also, when I was morbidly obese, I didn’t quite have a sense of how fat I was. When I watched a video of myself or saw photos, I was shocked by how large I appeared. It was like hearing my voice on an answering machine and not quite believing it was me. So yeah, I was disconnected from my body back then. I find that all the exercise that I do these days keeps me in touch with what my body is capable of and more in tune with it in general.
There’s been talk in the fatosphere recently about people’s healthy eating habits, exercise regimes, or weight loss being threatening and triggering, or reinforcing the idea of low-self esteem, of something being “wrong” with you if you aren’t thin. People reading this might see the discussion of your weight loss memoir in a size acceptance blog a hostile act. Admittedly, this is an extreme point of view, but what would you say to counteract it?
As I said earlier, my book is about my personal experiences. No one has to live the life I led or make the choices I made. The decision as to whether you should try to lose weight, or if you even need to, is up to every individual. What I’d like for people to understand after reading my book is that you can lose weight without it being an act of self-hate or self-loathing. And you can learn a lot about yourself through the process.
I think you hinted at the answer in your question when you said “size acceptance” and not “fat acceptance” or “thin acceptance.” I think we all want to be accepted no matter what our size – fat, thin or shifting in between. Just as people who are fat don’t want to be attacked for not being thin, people who used to be fat don’t want to be attacked for having become thin. If we’re going to accept people’s bodies, we’ve got to accept them no matter what size they are, have been, or will be in the future. You’re not really being accepting if you say it’s only okay if someone stays fat or stays thin and anyone who changes their dress size is evil. If size truly is irrelevant to our personal identity, it doesn’t really matter whether you’re fat, thin, shrinking or expanding.
Many times our reactions are more about our own issues than anything else. If you automatically assume that everyone who talks about exercise and eating right is judging you for not being thin, it probably speaks more to your own feelings about your weight than anything someone on the Stairmaster is really thinking about you. I don’t think I’m superior to anyone else because I run 3 times a week and I find it odd that some people assume I do feel that way.
What would you say to Big Fat Deal readers who are focused on body acceptance and not trying to lose weight. Why would they want to read your book?
While my book is a weight-loss memoir, ultimately it’s about transformation and the possibilities life holds for all of us. I’ve always liked the parts of body acceptance that emphasize possibilities and I dislike the parts that focus on limitations. On the surface, my book is about losing a lot of weight, but the deeper message is that you can shape your life into whatever you want it to be. You can lose a ton of weight, find a better job, get out of a bad relationship, start a salt-water taffy stand – whatever you want to do, you can do it!
I also hope they would read it and understand that you can love your body and be making changes to it at the same time. Self-acceptance isn’t the same thing as self-satisfaction. Self-acceptance means you’ve faced the truth of who you are, flaws and all. Self-satisfaction means you’re happy with it. I think it’s okay to admit that there are things you don’t like about yourself and to strive to make changes in a positive way. It’s okay to admit that you don’t like being fat. It doesn’t have to mean that you hate yourself. It just means there’s something you want to change in your life. As long as you go about it in a healthy, sane manner, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Beth Ditto, Books, Exercise, Meta, Question, Weight Loss, WLS
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HA! I’m sorry to laugh at this, Liza, but have you read this thread? Oh my god, that’s ironic.
Basically I phrased it that way because I was afraid people wouldn’t be open minded about the interview even appearing here in the first place. And… read the thread.
Mo, you rock too. :-)
Rachel, FWIW,I just realized it wasn’t just implied, but pretty specific in your post that it wasn’t “fairness” being asked for. It was in particular not to offend PQ or MoPie.
Annie: My comments were geared towards those who chose to harshly criticize and even personally attack Mo and Jennette because that is what I saw as the predominant thrust of the comments. If you take this as an “attack” on the FA folks here, so be it. I do think, however, that you are interpreting my comments in ways I did not intend for them to be taken nor did I state as such and I would appreciate it if you would not put words in my mouth. I did not “attack” the FA commenters; I simply asked that they reconsider the ways in which they phrased their disagreements so to attack the message and not the messenger. After being the recent subject of a mass pile-on, I know that, frankly, it sucks and I wouldn’t want anyone else to experience those hurtful feelings.
I didn’t think I used the word “attack.” Neither do I see personal attacks on MoPie or PQ. (With maybe one or two borderline possibles.) Naturally no one wants to be piled on; which was why I think some FAs were surprised and saddened to find themselves piled on. And then told to moderate their response to that. We seem to be seeing two very different things, and I’m not sure how that’s happening.
Nina, you want to help kids? Then don’t become another fat hater. Don’t promote health by focusing on weight loss. DON’T SHAME PEOPLE INTO LOSING WEIGHT. It won’t happen.
Where am I shaming people into losing weight?? I’m saying that everyone’s different, and some people DO need to lose weight to be healthy. Not everyone. Some. For some people, being overweight is a health risk. For some people, a diet is neccisary to stay healthy. This isn’t fat hate. This is just the reality for a lot of people.
And I agree, there are a lot of people who can’t stay at the same weight after they lose a ton of it. Diets aren’t for everyone, they don’t work for everyone, and they shouldn’t be promoted as the be-all-end-all of health. BUT, some diet restrictions CAN help people, and to deny that is a risk that many shouldn’t be taking.
Teh diebeetus? Oh my. Nina, most fat people didn’t get fat by shoveling down sweets.
I’m well aware of that. However, I’m not talking just sweets. I’m talking processed food that the American public has become addicted to. Not because we can’t stop eating it, because given the chance, I know plenty of people would switch to whole unprocessed fresh fruit and vegetables. It’s because it’s cheap and plentiful and because it’s another one of those things that society says is a normal part of life, when for people like me and many other Native Americans, it’s a contributer to diabetes.
Seriously, it’s not like diabetes and obesity was this rampant before the introduction of cheap processed food.
I’m not trying to point fingers at fat people and say they’re bad, or immoral, or anything like that. It’s not the fault of us or our bodies. Human beings are designed to carry some fat, that’s completely natural, but when it starts going hand-in-hand with health risks, that’s when I have a problem. Native Americans have already taken enough crap from this country, and now our way of life and eating has nearly been stripped from us, forcing many to convert to a way of eating that is not healthy or normal for us.
And please, this has nothing to do with being fat. Just because a person of fat doesn’t mean they don’t eat healthy, but, if a person is of a weight that is dangerous, and they eat in a way that makes them feel better, where is the harm in that??
We seem to be seeing two very different things, and I’m not sure how that’s happening.
Short answer: the internet. I’ve always maintained that if we were to all gather round a table and speak face-to-face, we wouldn’t have as many misunderstandings as we have online. It’s really easy to misinterpret things without the benefit of audio/visual stimuli, especially if the initial sentiments were not expressed clearly and articulately. I apologize if you felt slighted by my comments or if you felt they were targeted at you directly (they weren’t). I just hated to see Mo and Jennette made to feel personally attacked, which is why I spoke up.
I’m talking processed food that the American public has become addicted to.
I see where you’re coming from, Nina, and I, too, am troubled by the rise of unhealthy foods and the increasing lack of availability of healthier foods. I’m a food culture historian and I’ve always wondered if the rise of diseases and illnesses the medical community blames on fatness isn’t instead the result of the rise of processed foods. But I think this isn’t just a problem for fat people, but for all people. Your post raises the important point that our bodies are all relative in the ways we process and metabolize different foods and nutrients. For some people, a diet high in processed foods and sugar will have adverse health risks, regardless if the same food causes weight gain or not; while yet others may not have those same reactions. Thats why I feel intuitive eating is so important; by listening to our bodies, we come to know what it is they want and need to perform at what is best for us.
Thats why I feel intuitive eating is so important; by listening to our bodies, we come to know what it is they want and need to perform at what is best for us.
Well that can be true sometimes, but other times I’m not so sure. There are times when I think for sure that I could really use a piece of cake, when the reality is it’ll make me nauseous.
I think we should all add a disclaimer whenever we talk about weight loss diets – one that says: I am talking about the kind of diet that is supposed to make you slimmer and not just healthier, assuming that you’ve already tried the “healthy lifestyle” approach and it didn’t make you thin. Isn’t that the only thing we object to? Don’t we all agree that losing weight by eating normally is completely okay? And that adapting a healthier lifestyle to feel better is not the same as dieting in this context? It seems that if everyone understood this, hardly anyone would be arguing anymore.
Don’t we all agree that losing weight by eating normally is completely okay?
I certainly hope so!
I think we should all add a disclaimer whenever we talk about weight loss diets – one that says: I am talking about the kind of diet that is supposed to make you slimmer and not just healthier,
Well, yes. But surely with “weight loss dieting”, it’s right there in the name — a diet with weight loss as (one of) its primary goals.
Don’t we all agree that losing weight by eating normally is completely okay? And that adapting a healthier lifestyle to feel better is not the same as dieting in this context?
We agree so much there’s even a name for it — Health At Every Size.
I know, I know. It’s just that I often come across commenters who insist that “in some cases” it can be necessary to go on a weight loss diet, by which they mean something that I wouldn’t call a weight loss diet at all. They talk about going from binge eating, emotional eating or whatever to normal eating and call it a weight loss diet just because they do it in order to lose weight. You know what I mean? I’d call that recovering from an eating disorder, or at least from disordered eating, but they call it a diet and that gives them the impression that “diets are always bad” is a very stupid thing to say. Which actually makes sense if you look at it that way – but in reality we’re only talking about the diets of people who really restrict their eating. We don’t even include those who just switch a few of their favourite foods for others because we think of that as HAES, but someone who’s new to FA or hasn’t ever heard of it would likely call it a weight loss diet as well … because, hey, some people DO lose a little weight that way and even keep it off! Therefore it must be a diet, and “diets don’t work” can’t possibly be true.
I seriously believe that this is what makes up about 75% of the problem. Of course I could be wrong, but I’ve seen it happening so often.
About the whole “400 lb people can’t run a half marathon” Fat Girl On A Bike thing.
#1 the triathlons she is running are short triathlons, not Ironman triathlons. They have 5-10K runs (3.1-6.2 miles). Not even close to a 13.1 mile half marathhon.
#2 reading her blogs about the races she is walking more then she runs and puking from time to time.
And based on that PQ was right when she said: “Last weekend I ran a half marathon, which is not something a morbidly obese person can do. (They might be able to walk it, but I don’t know of any 400-pound people who can run the whole thing.)”
As a mother of both a big beautiful girl and a beautiful tiny girl I see the lack of body acceptance on both sides of the coin. My BB daughter has suffered unkind remarks from classmates about her “fat.” My BT daughter suffers being called house midget and ironing board and no one has any problems leaning their arm (putting their stinky armpit right in her face) on the top of her head while making rude comments. We try to keep our home a safe zone from all cruel remarks. Clearly my daughters are very different biologically, but they also have very different habits that lead to some of their physical deifferences. My BT daughter naturally eats more fruits and veggies and tends to eat “the recommended” serving size of treats. Plus, she enjoys sports and being active while my BB daughter tends to eat more breads and cereals and prefers to read and paint etc….could she be thinner if she changed her lifestyle? Maybe. Would it change what she enjoys? Maybe….I don’t know. Frankly as long as she is healthy I would never even insinuate she try it. What I do know is that they are both beautiful inside and out and to hell with whoever can’t see it, because if they can’t see their awesomness they are not seeing my daughters they are seeing their own preconceived notion of who either of them are. I think the love and acceptance they receive at home is the key to “public” success. My BB daughter is easily the largest girl in our Junior High, but yet she was the lead in the play both this year and last year because she’s not afraid to express herself. All the skinnies in her class are still going through the “don’t laugh at me” stage of their lives. My BT daughter is a little younger so still struggles more. Hopefully, we as her family, can help her too to love and accept herself no matter her size. I’m sorry this had nothing to do with the interview, but this seemed like a safe place to talk. Raising daughters who love and accept themselves has always been a difficult job. Moreso today? Maybe, maybe not. Thanks for reading.
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So… why is it that the FA movement (as commented on here) seems more about accepting fat than accepting fat people? I was fat. Now I’m not. I also have a hard time buying a lot of the more vitriolic end of the comment spectrum because I thought the same stuff (genetics, setpoints, etc) until I just started to eat less and exercise more myself. Yeah, maybe that’s just me, 1 of the 2 in 1000 who can lose weight… I don’t think so, but whatever.
Anyway, I was a good person when I was fat. I like to think that I still am a good person. I have no issue accepting myself, when I was fat, and still saying that being fat was less than ideal.
If you’re happy and healthy, that’s great. If you want to lose weight, that’s okay too. Not required. Not necessary. It may not even make you healthier, although from personal experience it generally seems to. But if you want to, that’s just fine.
People should be accepted, regardless.
But, again, I think the problem arises when one makes statements that seem to conflict each other such as: 1) “People should be accepted, regardless” and 2) “being fat was less than ideal”. Those statements, in concert, seem to me to be saying – ok, we can accept fat people, but with an asterisk. I accept you* (*but being fat is less than ideal and so I don’t accept that you have fully realized your own potential in terms of health/attractiveness/personal comfort/whatever and so I don’t accept you without the internal criticism that you’re “not ideal” in the same way I can accept a thin person, without that criticism.”
So I think the problem I have with the “fat acceptance” is this. I can accept someone and still have have judgments about their physical appearance. Accepting someone doesn’t mean you have to find everything about them pleasing. That would be impossible! Maybe I am too shallow- but I have a best friend whose teeth drive me crazy. My husband has skinny legs, my son’s hair is way too long for my personal taste. Do I accept them even tho? Damn right.
My parents are both obese but got that way be gaining weight slowly over the years. Were they more active and happier thinner? Yes they were. Were they healthier? Not really- they are still in great medical health, but physically? My dad can’t go down the steps into my hottub and has to sit all the time when we are out because his weight is killing his knees. Do I love and accept my parents? Of course, but do I have to say that I am okay with them being so overweight they complain they are in physical pain because of it (their words)? No I don’t have to say thats okay in order to love them and accept them.
Acceptance does not mean without judgment. I believe it means we can not like something and still accept it because we choose to do so. If you are fat but a good person with a good heart, do I accept you? Yes I do and that is within me, you can’t refute it. But that doesn’t mean I can tell you that I find being fat a situation I want to be in and I myself am actively trying to lose weight.
Everyone is basically arguing over what acceptance is and I think it is a personal issue. But if the FA movement is expecting that acceptance comes with no criticism? That I can’t understand.
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I am buying Jeanette’s book right now because it seems to me it might hold some keys to the mystery of the delicate balance between accepting your current size and striving for your own personal best in a healthy way without feeling like you’re depriving yourself somehow. This is the Holy Grail for me.
There is no known reliable, safe way to make fat people permanently thin – whether they’re rich or determined or make lifestyle changes or anything else in their favor. There isn’t.
I’m sorry, but there is. The fact that 95-98% of dieters regain *doesn’t* mean that losing weight and keeping it off is impossible – just that it requires dedication and a long-term commitment.
And “requires dedication and a long-term commitment” is *not* the same as impossible.
If you dislike the whole dieting mentality, or don’t want to diet, that’s your decision. But stop spouting this line because (barring medical problems) it just isn’t true.
The fact that 95-98% of dieters regain *doesn’t* mean that losing weight and keeping it off is impossible – just that it requires dedication and a long-term commitment.
The problem with this idea is that sometimes (often?) “dedication and long-term commitment” means “dedication and long-term commitment to strict calorie restriction and intense exercise that impairs your ability to enjoy life rather than improving it.” People who lose weight and then regain some of it may have only lost as much as they did originally because they put serious restrictions on themselves that are impossible to maintain longterm. It’s not because they gave up or lacked willpower or couldn’t stop eating junk food. I speak from experience and from knowing people who lost weight through extreme restriction and exercise and then gained some of the weight back when they returned to normal eating and exercise habits (meaning NOT overeating and being inactive, just not restricting and exercising constantly). I’ve watched my mother struggle for years trying to lose the same few pounds over and over again because the only way for her to maintain her weight loss is to eat nothing but salads and Lean Cuisine lunches and exercise an hour a day, 5 days a week…and even then she complains that she’s only maintaining and can’t lose any more. To me, that’s an unhealthy obsession with weight, not a healthy lifestyle.
I think the reason so many people just can’t comprehend this idea that most dieters regain in the long-term is that it takes the wind out of their sails. So many people are so emotionally invested in their pursuit of a “healthy” (that is, socially acceptable) weight that it’s a stinging blow to tell them they’re doing themselves more harm than good and they’ll likely gain the weight back when they stop flogging themselves. Which is not to say anyone should stop delivering those stinging blows; just that I understand where the defensiveness comes from, and it’s really a sad result of society’s programming.
I feel like I should note that the second part of my comment wasn’t directed at PQ or anyone in particular. It was just a general statement of opinion.
I speak from experience and from knowing people who lost weight through extreme restriction and exercise and then gained some of the weight back when they returned to normal eating and exercise habits (meaning NOT overeating and being inactive, just not restricting and exercising constantly).
I know people like that too. But extreme calorie restriction just isn’t a good – or, as you rightly point out, sustainable – way to lose weight. When dieters reduce their calories by too much, their body will interpret the lowered calories as a famine and invoke the “famine response” by shedding muscle instead of fat. (The body wants to hang on to fat to use as fuel during the “famine”.) The other aspect of the famine response is that your body will slow its metabolic rate, meaning you need fewer and fewer calories to maintain your weight. This is why you should only drop your calories by 10-30% lower than your maintenance level, so that you lose fat slowly while preserving as much muscle as possible. The other important aspect of weight loss that women in particular often overlook is weight training – it’s essential to maintain your lean muscle mass which boosts your metabolism.
You didn’t mention the type of exercise your mother is doing, but if she is only doing cardio, and eating what sounds like far less than she needs, it’s not surprising that her body needs less calories than it used to. She would be well advised to start a weight training program and slowly increase her calories to maintenance level (to let her body know it’s not really starving) then cut back by 10-30% so she can start losing again. It also sounds as though she may not be eating enough protein which is essential for muscle growth.
So yeah, without knowing any more about you mother’s situation and from what you’ve described I agree with your view that “it’s an unhealthy obsession with weight, not a healthy lifestyle”.
The point of my lengthy post is to point out that not every person who is maintaining a substantial weight loss is living the kind of life you describe.