How Do Strangers Treat You?
I’ve read a lot of blogs and books and heard a lot of anecdotal evidence from people who have lost weight, especially a great deal of weight, talking about the radical difference in how they are treated when they’re fat versus when they’re thin. (You also hear this from celebrities who have put on and taken off fat suits.) The other day I was doing an informal interview and I was asked about this issue. I never know how to answer this inevitable question—it seems like people want to hear how horribly I am treated every day, on the street, by strangers, as a fat person. Not even isolated incidents of hate, but that general sense of “invisibility” that so many people talk about—invisibility that melts away once the fat is gone.
The truth is, I told the interviewer, I don’t see it. I’m an outgoing, friendly, confident person, and that might be part of it. I smile at people like a lunatic; I make eye contact; I flirt. And in return, people are basically nice to me. Is it because I put out a positive energy, and get positive energy back? Is it because I’ve always been overweight, and I have a different standard—that I don’t know what it’s like to be treated in this magically cool, non-invisible way that’s supposed to exist for thin people? I finally speculated that it’s because I live in the San Francisco area, a notoriously accepting place. The people who live here don’t care if you’re fat, thin, queer, transgendered, mentally ill, or even a hippie. So of course they’re nice to me. But is that even true?
So tell me… fat, thin, formerly fat, formerly thin, whatever, I’m dying to know. How do people treat you? Or have you observed this phenomenon in action? Do you think there’s a difference between how fat people and thin people are treated? And if so, what specifically does that mean? Because for whatever reason, I just can’t relate, and I just don’t understand.
Posted by mo pie
I am me. I am fat. Want to know my worst experience as a fat person? It just happened the other day. Trying to buy an extra seat on a travel website for a trip to Hawaii with my husband. They wouldn’t do it on the site, then I call the 800 number and first get asked why do “I” need an extra seat. I wanted to say, “duh” because I am fat, and want the extra room. But this travel site does not have a work around for a fat person who only goes by one name. Imagine that. So I call the airline that my husband and I wanted to use anyway, and they are more than helpful, say they do things like this more often than people think and it would not be an issue. I know that I am fat. I live in my skin 24/7. I am married. I have a really good life. I do not let my life, or how others might, or might not look at me, color how I choose to live my life. My husband and I do all the same things, go all the same places, and act like any other couple. Nothing stops me from living my life to the fullest, just because I am fat. Fat is just a 3 letter word.
For what it’s worth, I’ve always been thin and people have always treated me like I was invisible, and as a kid I was ridiculed at school. I have always known fat people who were much better off than I was, too. Fat is only one attribute out of many that may or may not make people look at you differently.
I’m not my heaviest, but about 10 pounds lower than my heaviest weight. At my thinnest, I was 70 pounds lower than where I am now (and I hardly ate and swam 2 hours a day and was 17 and was getting over 2 oral surgeries).
So, all that being said, I don’t see a huge difference. I got whistled at a few times in high school, but I was also young, you know? Also, at that time, I could have had every guy interested in me and every girl could have thought I was beautiful, but I wouldn’t have seen it because of the way I felt about myself. I’m more confident now, even though I’m much heavier, and I think my confidence and general optimistic/happy attitude helps a lot. As one of my friends says, I may be short but I have a tall personality.
I’ve heard the fat comment from idiot strangers once in a while, and I won’t lie — it stings. It stings a lot. However, generally most people seem as open to me as they do to others around me.
Mo, I don’t think there’s any one person scapegoating anyone else. But there is a definite pattern in this discussion of “you get back what you put out there” in terms of energy, confidence, and positive self regard. I was going to copy some quotes from the discussion above, but I’m afraid that that might be seen as singling people out or insulting their viewpoints, which I do not want to do. But if you do a control-F and search this page for the words “energy”, “confident”, or “confidence” I think you’ll see what I’m referring to.
It’s very fortunate that so many people who are presenting that side of the discussion have had such positive experiences, but it also is just a hair’s breadth away from blaming those of us who have been insulted for our own victimization.
I’m pretty damn confident, and even, occasionally, cool! But I am also very aware of the interactions around me, and so can say with some confidence (heh!) that I do experience poor treatment due to my size. Not every day. Not everywhere. But it does happen.
An example that just came to mind: When I was perhaps a size 18, out shopping with friends, I saw a purse in a 5-7-9 shop that looked interesting to me, and led the group of my friends into the store. A saleslady VAULTED over to me to explain, peevishly, that they did not carry my size in clothing, just as I was picking up the purse. I doubt that I said anything significant in response, but I sure didn’t buy the purse.
I was happy, confident, and probably looking pretty darn cute going into that interaction. I was surrounded by supportive friends. My positive energy did not protect me from fat hate.
So, what I was saying, and what I appreciate withoutscene saying, is that it’s absolutely wonderful that so many people here haven’t had negative interactions with strangers. Really. I wish that for all of us. But to credit your own behavior, whatever that behavior is, for protecting you from negative interactions is to imply that those of us who have had those negative interactions are attracting them through our own less-than-positive behavior. I don’t think folks’ intention is to blame us for attracting negative attention from strangers, but the implication seems pretty pervasive.
(Note: I am SOOOO not wanting to start a flame war here. Thank you everyone, in advance, for maintaining a positive, open discussion.)
I’ve had the random stranger comments, nasty looks, and shouted slurs. I’m 5’7″ and at my heaviest I was 285 (just under that now at about 255). It has happened more than I like to remember. I am naturally shy but have a good act in public that looks very confident (it is protective but also a “fake it till you make it” plan).
It is frustrating. I can’t believe how many young men feel compelled to comment on women’s bodies.
I hate to think how often I am silently judged.
Today I had trouble with sales ladies helping me with clothes. They only had my size in the back room and I was made to feel bad for having them look (and find) my size. There was some smirking about whether that size would even fit me (largest size that store carries and just barely fits me, admitedly, but it looks good on me so this is my second pair of these jeans). I may not buy another one though because of the women who work at that store. Also when I was trying on clothes the lady brought some recommended tops and the ones she brought were my size but they were all hideous, big shapeless things (not my style at all) and they all screamed “I’m trying to hide my weight”. Not the sort of clothes I had chosen to try on, so she also made me feel like I ought to be wearing things to hide, instead of show off, my body.
I don’t think that any amount of good attitude can stop the random stranger comments or judgments. Confidence and a good attitude only really helps in social situations where people are interacting with you for any length of time and you have to hope the people give you the chance before they write you off as uninteresting due to your weight. Still, we’re better off without those people if that is the way they are going to be.
Last time I lost weight (45 pounds) I got a lot of praise. As I started to regain it (naturally) the positive comments stopped. Everyone pretended it had never happened, probably thinking they were doing me a favor not to bring it up.
Then I found the FA movement. Thank goodness.
I should also note that I have an unusual hairstyle and many strangers comment on it (I don’t mind the comments)–and some people have pulled on my hair without warning to see if it is real (I do mind that). It is real.
Women’s bodies are public property, apparently. Ask any pregnant woman about strangers touching her belly. If I get pregnant I’ll be keeping those hands away (I don’t like to be touched by people I don’t know) any way I have to. Some people know no boundaries.
I searched “energy” and only got your posts and my original post. I searched “confident” and saw several posts from people (some fat, some thin) describing themselves as confident, and one person saying that even though she considers herself confident, she is treated as if she’s invisible.
I’m not trying to nitpick at all, but I’m genuinely trying to understand the “infuriation” at what really seems to be a broad spectrum of personal experience being reported in this thread. Most people are reporting both positives and negatives. I don’t think anyone is saying that confidence protects you from prejudice, or that you have to be confident in order to be valued as a person, fat or thin.
Just my two cents.
I’m certainly feeling no fury, only trying to present my point of view. :-)
Here’s another way to put it: I think that what’s been bugging me isn’t folks’ descriptions of their experiences, but rather their diagnoses of what they think caused those experiences. As none of us here are nasty jerks, we can only imagine what motivates the nasty jerks out there.
I’ll keep being positive and cool (and positive that I’m cool) but I’ll bet the jerks will still be jerky. No matter what I think or do. And if you’ll look at my first comment you’ll see that I’m actually thankful that they reveal themselves that way.
OK, you can tell that my mind is wandering because I really need to eat dinner. Perogi time. :-)
I’ve gone up and down the scale significantly over the last 10 years and I would definitely say there’s a difference in how I’m treated. Losing weight probably provokes the most comments–people remarking how different and magnificent you look (clearly implying something about how I looked before) and comments on my clothes–where as people avoided any overt commentary about my body or clothes at my largest. I’ve had random drive-bys and have been ignored in stores (especially sporting goods/athletic shoes). When I was thin I was very muscular and I would sometimes get good comments and I’d get a lot of “are you sure you need all those muscles” or “dude looks like a lady” crap. It’s true I’m not a terribly confident person and, frankly, I’ve been self-conscious about my body since I was a child.
Of all things, when I cut my hair really short, that’s when I became invisible on the streets. No more hooting or catcalls or harassment or looking me up and down. I don’t miss the negative attention but I do miss the positive.
Informal survey of guys I know revealed that only my husband finds girls with short hair appealing.
My weight changes don’t seem to elicit as dramatic results…
I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve not had a lot of random harassment on the street and such, but I can be a bit socially oblivious so who knows how much “fun” I’ve missed out on. There have been a lot of “near misses”, though – you can see people (overwhelmingly young men) start to snicker and say something as you approach – and then suddenly stop and look away and ignore. Could be because for many years I dressed up in full industro-goth or punk-goth outfits and they had second thoughts when they saw the very spiky wristbands, piercings, big steel-capped boots and angry glare on me. :)
Mo, there IS a broad spectrum of experience on this thread. More often than not, though, those who haven’t had bad experiences attribute it to “what you put out and get in return” or “putting out friendly vibes” or “attitude more than anything else that determines how others treat us” or “it’s really about attitude” or the bad treatment i got “had nothing to do with my weight” (which totally could be true) or “I think people just respond to something that is friendly.”
Now, these are all out of context, but the combined sentiment and select absolutist statements are what struck my nerve. If the reason someone didn’t receive maltreatment is because they were so friendly and positive–what does that imply about those of us who did receive maltreatment? If it’s attitude more than anything that determines how people treat me, it must be me who’s at fault for people treating me so badly. I know people sometimes don’t think about what their statements imply and thus don’t intend those particular implications, but they are implied none the less.
That’s what was infuriating to me…the implications. And I acknowledge that attitude can make a difference in some cases and that people treat you differently based on how “put together” or “professional” you look (in fact, I think there is most certainly a whole intersection with class that could be discussed, as well as gender), but–as several people have noted–those things don’t erase prejudice or fat-hate.
How many oppressed groups get the “well, you’re just not friendly enough” or “you’re just not ____ enough” even from people within their own group? Or “I have a _______ friend, but s/he’s friendly and cool, not like other ______s.” It’s model minority mentality.
I probably over-reacted and didn’t put together very logical statements. Perhaps I should have just noted my agreement since O.C. put it so well, but I was honestly distressed at the trend. Hopefully this time around I make a little more sense, even if you still disagree with me.
I am 5’10”, and have been from 275 to 190. There has been a huge differance in how I’m treated at the two ends of that range, and 190 isn’t even thin. At 190 people smile, are cheerful, service is good, and everything else. At 275, I had super-invisibility powers.
Now I’m 240, and 40 years old. And I think one of the most stiinging things to happen to me recently has been by my peers – aka other 40-ish, fatish women. At my gym, two ladies very similar to me and I got into a discussion about triathalon, something I want to do, and something they both were into. Their comments were along the lines of “Oh, you can do it. Bigger people parcipate all the time” and “You’d have lots of company, the youngest women in our group were about 45”. The implications being a) I’m so big I need reassurance, though we were all about the same size, and b) I’m so old, I might be worried about all those younger-than-45’ers, but again, we were all about the same size and age.
Ouch, and ouch. I mean, I know I’m fat and 40, and have no problem with that honestly, but , seriously, these two were just like me physically, and yet felt the need to make comments like that. I still can’t decide if I put out a weak, old, fat vibe, or what. It haunts me, I tell ya.
I am 47, 5’7″ and about 220lbs. I really can’t say I am treated all that much differently. Sure, when I was much thinner and younger I was flirted with more. Twenty years olds get flirted with more than 40 year olds. But I still get hit on now and again. I generally dress professionally and get respect. I have run into fatphobes, but these same jerks treat many types of people rudely. It is really how they feel about themselves. The worst treatment I got was from self hating other fat women. I am not trying to blame the victim but I think ones own attitude does make a difference.
Well, I have recently lost about 50 pounds, and in some places how I’m treated has changed. In some stores, employees used to ignore or be rude to me because I clearly didn’t fit into their clothes. Now it depends on the store. Today I bought my first pair of size 16 jeans (down from a 24), so in some stores I still don’t fit, in some I am still plus, in some I straddle plus and “normal,” and some I can wear now that I couldn’t before. In places like the Gap that go up to an 18 or so, employees are nicer to me now that I look like I can wear their stuff.
As far as random people, I swear sometimes people step in front of me on the street or subway because they assume I can’t walk fast. Like if I’m in a pack of people sometimes I’ll see people wait until those walking in front of me pass and then step in front of me. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but sometimes I swear they waited for me because they thought the fat girl would be the slowest walker. Which makes it much more fun for me to pass them (and deliberately miss hitting them by millimeters) then leave them in the dist because I’ve acclimated to New York City and now was as fast as some people run.
A couple years ago I applied for a job at Curves and the manager was very interested and impressed by my application over the phone, then I interviewed in person and didn’t hear anything. When I called to follow up I got the “we’ve decided to hold of hiring anyone…” blah blah blah thing even though I knew for a fact they were really short staffed (I had two friends working there).
As far as men go…a few more look now than did 50 pounds ago, but I’m still a fat girl, so it’s not THAT many. But that could be more my lack of confidence that my body. I have noticed certain racial differences in who looks at or hits on me. That’s merely an observation, not a complaint, and certainly not intended in any bigoted or racist way. Usually I get checked out if I’m out at night and wearing one of my booby tops. That’s independent of race, actually. Boobs transcend cultures.
I live in New York City, by the way. It’s like the skinny chick capital of the world, so sometimes just walking around makes me feel bad about myself.
Oh, and I’ve also noticed that on the subway people don’t sit next to me. Either they think fat is contagious or that my ass is going to encroach on their space. Fine, though, that means I frequently sit next to an empty space and am more comfortable. So nyah.
I think I notice the differences a lot when with my best friend, who once got described in a school paper article as a bird-boned living anime doll. Watching her walk into a restaurant or bar is interesting. But although she remains oblivious to even blatant come-ons or whistling, it’s actually less true obliviousness and more a determination not to engage, because the attention she gets can be seriously creepy and weirdly fawning. She always, always dates these guys who are more like grim bodyguards.
It’s what Foo said, above–it never, ever would have occurred to me that it could be so different, just because of your size. It can be funny, sometimes–like, for all of college she thought we all got free coffee in the library lobby, because they never charged her. And there’s a part of me that resents, a little, that men fall all over themselves to throw their coat over the puddle in her path or will fling themselves on the ground for her to step on instead, but at the same time I know that it’s not a fairy tale, especially because an unfortunate number of those men think that they’re then entitled to attention in return.
I gained about 90 lbs after I got married. I definitely felt invisible when I was overweight. It felt like ‘skinny’ people didn’t want to hear anything I had to say and it got to the point that I stopped trying.
I didn’t realize that it probably had to do with my weight until I lost (most of) it. Now male employees in stores are much friendlier and tend to bombard me with offers to help. Female employees are just the opposite! They are usually less helpful – unless I have my kids with me.
I have to admit, though, that some of the treatment was probably due to my personality. Unlike some of you who have commented, I was never confident and fun when I was overweight. I’m getting more that way now since I don’t feel like I have to hide, so it may not be the weight so much as the change in my attitude.
You know, it is not something I have noticed as much in my adult life. I was treated differently by my peers in grade school through high school, but not as much now. I think being overweight has mostly affected my ability to date, but I am not sure if that is more to do with how I feel about myself than a man not being attracted to me because I’m fat. I can, unfortunately, tell you that being overweight will effect how you are treated my medical staff. I cannot tell you how many times the people I work with make fun of their patients or blame their illness on the fact that they were fat. It is not out right obvious, but they do tend to put up with more from patients who are thinner. Plus medical people don’t like overweight people because it is harder to move them and causes a lot of extra hard work.
Thanks, Withoutscene. You put that better than I could.
In a broader sense, I’ve seen a trend in some blog comments that when folks are sharing personal experiences it seems that we are all so excited to talk about ourselves that it’s easy not to really look at what other people have said first, and to take that into account when telling your own story. I plead guilty to this myself! I don’t think people mean to be insensitive, but that’s the unintended result.
Hmm…when I was younger, I got the usual and customary crap thrown at me in school….but, after licking my wounds and lots of self-love…I’m pretty OK.
As a 40-something woman, who now does as she pleases (piercings, ink and all)…I rarely get the nasty comments from strangers….could be that I look like I’ll slap them into the middle of their next incarnation!
I pretty much agree with you. I’ve heard all these horrible stories from fat women who have had trash thrown at them or been called awful names. Personally, when I was fat no one ever threw stuff at me outside of a dodgeball game. And when someone call me a “jelly roll,” the incident stuck in my mind simply because it WAS so uncommon. If that stuff happened to be all the time, I probably would have considered it normal, but instead it always stood out as bizarre.
I did find that as I lost weight I became more confident. I knew people were more likely to judge me on my looks and that made me more willing to put myself out there. So, there is some difference now that I’m thinner, but it’s not the mindblowing, completely different universe that it is often made out to be.
I know this is not a great thing to admit about oneself, but in response to Meghan1 up above – I had recently lost some weight; not a ton, but enough that it made a difference. I got soooo much attention from it – mainly from my in-laws. It made me super-uncomfortable – and, as some people have mentioned, it also made me perceive certain actions as being hypocritical, fair to that person or not. My mother in law all of a sudden wants to take me shopping? Hmm – could it be because every time I saw her she screamed about how I lost weight and how WONDERFUL it all was? I answered those comments as a good FA person, to no avail.
I got so uncomfortable with the commentary – my body usually escapes much commentary, outside of the occasional rude catcall or nice comment from my husband – that I found myself eating far more than my body wanted to eat, and put those pounds back on. I don’t think it’s actually where my body wants to be, and I am struggling with the whole intuitive eating thing and letting my body be where it likes, heavier or thinner than I was before. But, yes, the change was super-uncomfortable, so much so that I overate to restore myself back to pre-change. (Not that eating is what makes people fat, or that over-eating will make all people fat – not saying that. Just saying, in my case, if I over-eat by those amounts, I’ll put on some weight. )
I’ve said it before here and I will say it again. I don’t think confidence makes men go weak in the knees.
I think attraction is really complex, and mere confidence is neither a love potion nor a shield from all assholes everywhere. I will agree that confidence can keep all of the bullshit from setting you back, head and heart-wise.
I basically like and respect myself. During the work week, I dress professionally, wear makeup and use product in my hair. On the weekends, I switch the wardrobe to jeans or sportswear, but from the neck up, I’m “treated.”
I get ignored by most (probably because everyone has somewhere to be), attention from others and shouted at by assholes in cars. This also happens when I’m walking down the street with my girlfriend, who is a soft butch woman.
The only constant? The asshole behavior is universally male in my experience. Most of the time, it seems like a carload of assholes is trying to startle or frighten me/us. I never jump in fright or respond.
at 5’1″ and 245 lbs I am what is described as rondegiata in Italian, short and round, and I find how I’m treated by people is subtly different and probably varies by person. I get great service at restaurants because I am a commanding person and am the first to look the waiter in the face. In fact, I tend toward getting good service wherever I go… except icecream shops. If I go into an icecream shop with my boyfriend and we both order a scoop in a cone, he will get served a bigger cone. I also get catty looks from women when I’m walking with him, because he is conventionally attractive.
But as others stated earlier, it’s a confidence thing. If you are confident, then you get treated better than those that aren’t
“I will agree that confidence can keep all of the bullshit from setting you back, head and heart-wise.”
Brava, Cindy! :-)
Since leaving school, I can’t say I’ve had too many instances where I’ve felt a person’s been mean or rude to mean simply because of my size (18.) Mostly, I find people here just tend to ignore each other, at most doing the “smile-nod” combo when forced into having eye contact with another. And that’s really fine with me; I’m fairly introverted and honestly don’t know what to do when a stranger just begins rambling to me.
I have actually had the most unpleasant experiences at the grocery store. Once, an older man was blocking the end of an aisle, and I scooted up and said, “Excuse me.” He turned, glared at me, then yelled, “Did you see that? That BIG GIRL almost hit me!” Another time, I heard a pair of college-aged boys mocking me as I walked by, I once heard a pair of college-aged girls laugh at me and hiss “I’d rather be dead than look like that,” and a cashier laughed until she turned red because I couldn’t squeeze out between my cart and the checkout.
At a store I once worked at, my manager hated me, and, unfortunately, he was in charge of ordering uniforms, which meant I had to give him my measurements, which he then broadcast to the entire store during a busy lunch rush, laughing at how big the pants would be.
I belong to a dating site, and I checked out a guy’s profile. I didn’t leave a comment, as he seemed a bit pompous, but he felt it necessary to send me a message saying, “You are fat and unattractive. Seriously, don’t even bother.”
Maybe this is my own paranoia, but having spent most of my young adult life as the chubby friend, I’ve found that rather than being invisible, I am often a sexual object.
This has nothing to do with my particular beauty, but rather the fact that as a fat woman, I do not deserve (and why, in fact, would I wish to be left alone? I must be DYING for some male attention!) the distance and respect that might be afforded to me were I thinner.
This aside, I know that many thin women experience catcalls and personal appearance comments on a regular basis, but I still feel as if there is a particular attitude that states that a fat girl should welcome the attention.
It is so GOOD to read these comments and know that I am not alone.
It’s funny- I was tormented for being a fat kid (and I wasn’t even that fat when I was a kid) and if I recall, my worst tormentor was a boy named Nathan Bergman, who was far fatter than I was.
Of course, it is far more heinous to be fat (and worse, to be OK WITH YOUR BODY) when you are a woman. How DARE you not want to be the best sexual object you can be!
Jesse, you make an interesting point. Thinking back, I remember that two of the kids who were the worst to me when I was a kid were boys that were at least as fat as me. Maybe because I was a girl, or maybe they were doing it to me to keep the attention off of themselves…or maybe a combination of the two.
Sigh. I was one who said I was a relatively confident and happy person. I simply answered a question and was not implying that those who DO feel marginalized deserve to be treated that way because perhaps they have a different type of personality than mine. It’s just the way I am, most of the time.
I’m also in an interracial relationship, and my partner tends to see a lot more of the looks or hear a lot more negative comments than I do. Perhaps I just don’t notice things like that because I’m talking to someone or engrossed in something else.
I think people mostly treat me just like anyone else. I do think that I project my own feelings on people, thinking they are judging my actions and feelings. But they really haven’t been.
I actually went out on the street and asked strangers if they thought I was fat for a personal essay documentary I made for a class. You can see it over at:
http://jigglybits.wordpress.com/2008/05/08/fat-documentary/
if you’re at all interested…
I think the point about class is an interesting one. The worst period of time in my life in terms of the fat comments was not at my heaviest but when I was overweight by maybe 25-30 pounds and working as a maid in a fairly cheap motel. I regularly got comments–I suspect some of it was because I was young, because I was a woman, and because people could boss me around, but a lot of the comments were coupled with fat-insults. When I am larger I often find it is hard to dress professionally within my budget–it’s hard to find well fitting clothes and I’m always cuffing the pants, the jackets never quite fit, etc.
First, I want to say that, having about a 35-40 pound “swing”, that I appreciate people telling their stories.
I know that at the end of the day we’re pretty much on our own when it comes to our own body image insanity, but there’s a lot of wisdom here about how to deal with it when it’s really not you — it’s the other person being insane.
(I’m especially grateful to the person who noted that weight is not the only quality that can affect how people relate to you. There really is a lot of give-and-take interplay — it’s almost continuous — between how you perceive yourself and how people perceive you. I was talking to a friend about this in another context just this week.)
This, for example, I think is a lot more about how those women feel about themselves than how they perceive you, Tangerine. The way I read it, and the way I’ve heard friends – no, acquaintances – of mine do that with respect to other body traits makes it sound like they’re talking out loud to themselves about themselves, and projecting off you.
Also, T, it’s one of the reasons I never, never, never, never, NEVER tell people — especially strangers —
1) how old I am
2) how much I weigh.
No matter how much they harass me, no matter whether they try to threaten me with something catty, no matter how much they say I’m withholding or not being sociable or whatever. Never.
First, it’s always going to change.
Second, we as women get so much crap about our age and weight, I honestly don’t see why we should subject ourselves to the abuse.
I live in a suburb which is nauseatingly trendy. The mall only sells clothing to those who are extremely thin, seriously they even had an out and out protest against a Torrid moving in there. Their claim, it would bring “The wrong kind of people” to their community.
I don’t recall anyone specifically making fun of my weight. However, you definetly can’t help feeling like an outcast, in a suburb which belives that all girls should be thin and proper. It’s scary as hell. Like when I heard they protested Torrid, I was like “So does this mean they’re pro-Anorexia/Bulemia?”
I really have nothing to do in my suburb, all there is to do is go to the mall. It’s been claimed they don’t want something here like let’s say, a Gameworks, for safety reasons. I don’t know if having at least one place here that isn’t a Chuck E Cheese to hang out at, would be such a bad idea. It seems though that would take away from spending money at the mall though. Renforcing the idea that all women are good for is shopping shopping shopping.
YES people do treat you differently when you aren’t fat. I’ve recently lost a large amount of weight and am no longer “invisible” in society. People talk and smile; clerks greet me in stores, men show more interest. I’m also being treated differently at work and by execs at the company I work at…I am still the same person on the inside, though….and I feel like the jerks who were so rude and hateful when I was heavier are still jerks that I want nothing to do with.
ML, kind of makes you want to teach those jerks a lesson, ala the film The Girl Most Likely To..
The thing I noticed the most when I lost weight was how much more people seemed to read into my manner and behavior. Men especially were far more likely to wildly misread me and/or have stronger emotional reactions to things I said. Suddenly, my opinion mattered more to them, and even when I was talking about something that had nothing to do with them, they assumed I was subtly commenting on them – approving or disapproving, etc.
I read a book once by a woman who lost a lot of weight (think it was “Passing for Thin”) where she mentioned having to scale her public persona back a little when she lost weight because it became the equivalent of shouting. That was definitely my experience. The confident, outgoing, over-the-top personality I put out there as a fat girl got me a lot of unwanted attention when I lost weight, especially from men who interpreted it as much more focused and intense interest in them than I wanted to convey.
Women acquaintances (my friends treated me pretty much the same) talked to me as if old fat me and new thin me were two completely different people. I had a coworker who was all of 2 years younger than me that the older women I worked with discussed with me as if she were years younger than me. This actually made me kind of proud at the time, and I gave myself props for maturity – – but when I lost weight, started dating, etc., they started treating me as if I were younger and considerably less wise. I also had women ‘friends’ who were fond of telling me how much more ___(fun, smart, fill in blank) I was, now that I was thin, as if that fat person were someone else and it wouldn’t bother me to hear her put down. It was very weird.
I gained a lot of weight after I married (100+) and I do see the difference in how I was treated before and how I am treated now. I also feel the difference in myself (personality and emotional side) than how I was when I was thinner…Well I was around 225 when I met my husband, so I guess I wasn’t “thin” persay. I was more willing to try new things, than I am now. I think a lot of factors contribute to that, but my weight is the major one.
Also, as Rachel discussed above, I would send in resumes and talk with hiring managers about a job opening. However, once they met me, they wouldn’t call back. I always think that if I were thinner, my career would be better. I see coworkers in the same position as me who get the “better” opportunities and projects. I have more education and experience but it seems not to matter in Corproate America. I try not to let it bother me too much, but it does.
When I was fat, I had no problem getting a date. Nothing has really changed in that department. Nobody really comments on my weight anymore, like they did in school. I attribute this to two things; maturity levels, and my weight loss.
I live in NYC and I do see the difference sometimes, but most of the time it’s in a good way. People treat me better then my skinny friend, and one day she asked why do I get all the good service. I told her it’s because I’m approachable, and I carry myself well. Just because I’m PHAT don’t mean I deserve to be mistreated. I love me and I agree with you a 100% I don’t know how it is to be thin, I have never walked in those shoes. I play the cards that I have been dealt and continue to be productive and enjoying life.
Even though I have been picked on most of my life, I was treated MUCH better in my teenage years. I was the “acceptable” type of heavy (think size 12-14). Now, I feel people downright ignore me. It’s fine with me, because I’m anti-social anyway. I specifically avoid ANY group of males (especially teenagers), because I KNOW they will say something horrible to me.
I already assume people are not going to like me because I’m large.
My boss told me the other day that I was too young and pretty to be fat.
My own family has treated me differently now that I am thinner (though I’m 20 pounds heavier than my lightest weight in the past ten years).
I’m 5’10” and currently 246 pounds. At my heaviest weight of 274.5 pounds, my mom teased me constantly. Told me that no boy would ever want to date me at that weight. Told me I smelled bad. When we’d go to Lane Bryant, she’d feign an upset stomach and tell me that she had to go to the bathroom. Then she’d tell me to just try on clothes, pick out what I wanted, and she’d pay for them when she got back.
My dad never wanted me to go anywhere with him. He was rarely ever affectionate with me. He constantly insulted me. When I went to buy my Corolla back in 2005, he told my youngest brother Caleb that they “don’t sell cars to fat, ugly chicks,” then couldn’t understand why I got upset when he told me.
My brothers all called me names like Shamu and Free Willy. For a while there, I think my brother Adam forgot my name because he just called me “fat” instead. My two youngest brothers told me I’d be pretty if I weren’t so fat.
One of my coworkers would ask me if my “fat legs” were cold if I ever wore a skirt in the winter time. Then she watched everything I ate and commented on it.
Now, down from a size 26/28 to a size 16/18, things are different.
My mom not only stays with me when we go shopping at NY & Co. or Old Navy or JCPenneys, but she ASKS me if I want to go shopping. She helps me pick out clothes. She compliments me. I’ve really learned how to dress my body and wear my hair and makeup in very flattering ways, and she’s even go so far as to tell me that I am pretty or cute or whatever.
My dad tells me that he brags to his coworkers about how gorgeous he thinks I am. When I tried out for the Torrid Model Search, he told me that he had no doubts that a beautiful girl like me could win it. (I didn’t though.) He’s affectionate and treats me so much better than he did before.
My brothers are always telling me now how pretty they think I am. Whenever I try something on or decide on an outfit and run it by them, I cringe because I think that they’re going to tell me I look fat in it, and it surprises the hell out of me when they tell me that I look very pretty.
My coworkers have all gushed over my weight loss and commented on how “good” I am and how much they need to be like me and etc. I get stopped by women in other offices, who tell me how wonderful I look now. The men in the office eye me and some even flirt with me.
As for the whole dating thing, well, that hasn’t happened for me. I’ve never had a boyfriend, date, been kissed, had sex, and etc., and I think I could probably have those things now, but I’m still stuck in that mindset of boys won’t like me until I’m thinner. I still have times where guys flirt with me, but I don’t know quite how to respond because I’m not used to that. I’m used to guys making fun of me or telling me I’m built like a linebacker (I have broad shoulders and an athletic frame, which helps in a way because I don’t look close to my weight at all), so when they tell me they think I’m pretty or hot or whatever, I stand there bracing myself for the punchline.
I still want to lose about 50 more pounds, but just the 30 I’ve lost now has shown me quite a difference, and it’s completely terrified me about ever getting back to my original weight or more.
When I was massively overweight I thought that people generally tend to be hostile towards others. Now that I’m “normal” size, I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way I’m treated by strangers, acquaintances and colleagues. I didn’t realise that most people are pleasant most of the time (at least to other normal-sized people).
When I was obese there were a few instances where shop assistants or wait staff were incredibly rude and hostile towards me. Since I’ve been thin, there hasn’t been a similar incident. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
As for grooming and appearance, when I was obese, I did get treated better when I was made-up and dressed up. But now that I’m thin and look fit, I can go into a swanky store on my way home from the gym and get treated just fine.
Just adding… I also get more respect at work. In fact, I don’t think I’d have my current job if I were still obese. And young guys flirt with me all the time – it’s odd.
As a formerly thin woman (I’m under 5′ and weighed 105 lbs or less until my mid-30s), I can tell you that I’m treated vastly different by retail clerks now that I’m obese (medically obese–not just in my own eyes obese).
Just one incident alone–I was looking at outfits for my older daughter who is a size 2. The sales clerk came over to “redirect” me to sizes that would fit me. Needless to say that I walked out without purchasing an outfit, period.
Sometimes I forget that I’m so obese and I return to my usual outgoing and flirtatious self. It’s embarassing when someone decides that that’s the time to announce loudly to me that I need to do something about my weight.
Even worse is when I pick out a really cute outfit (just as I would have done when I was thing) and then see myself in the reflection of the glass walls of my office building. I want to cringe when I realize that what would have definitely looked cute on a short, petite woman can sometimes look bizarre on a short woman who is bigger around than she is tall.
Ok, first a little background: I’m 28 now. Ever since I became a teen I had been about 30-40 lbs. over what the “recommended” healthy weight range is for my height, which is short, so yeah, I looked chubby. And I am large-busted which to me just seemed to make the chubbiness seem more chubby. Over the past year or so, for the first time ever, I have lost 40 pounds and I’m now in the middle of the “healthy” weight range.
Yes, I definitely feel like strangers treat me differently now that I’m thinner. Men and women each in different ways.
Strange men tell me things like I have a beautiful smile or that I’m looking good as I walk by. One guy even stopped me on the sidewalk and asked me if I wanted to get a drink with him. This kind of thing NEVER happened to me before. I notice that when men look at me, they look longer now. I get the sense that they enjoy looking at me, whereas before, if a man looked it me, it seemed he only looked because he HAD to, like if I was ringing him up at a cash register or something. Sometimes more than one man at a time looks at me. Whoa!
Women, on the other hand, are just a bit colder now, it seems. Especially women that are larger than me. It’s as though I was much less intimidating to other women when I had the extra chub. But if I stop and remember how I disdained “skinny women” when I wasn’t one… did I ever possibly treat them coolly, being intimidated by their slimness? Yes I did.
When I was younger–meaning in my teens–people I’d pass on the street would laugh at me or say things. As I’ve gotten older, more confident, and less willing to take people’s s@$%, that doesn’t happen to me anymore. If I feel like I’m being ignored, I talk louder or chase the person down. If I see someone staring at me in an unkind way, I stare back at them in an unkind way. I learned a long time ago not to let these strangers think they can intimidate me, hurt me, or verbally abuse me just because I outweigh them. I think the fact that I outweigh them should make them nervous because if I’m strong enough to carry an extra 100 lbs a day around, every single day, then I can surely beat the crap out of them without much effort. So take that, fat haters!
I don’t care about stranger they are all ignorant anyway. My attitude is if they don’t like the way I look then don’t look!!!! I have been skinny and obese .people treat you the same people are sick and ignorant no matter what! What I find very ignorant of people is when you have lost alot of weight and they come up to you and say oh wow you lost alot of weight. people you didnt even know existed I usual tell them to go to hell. Like they had something to do with it and why couldn’t they like me when I was fat!
If I could summarize this thread, here’s what I would say.
How an individual’s weight affects their experience varies tremendously. It depends on things like gender, age, race, class, social situation, overall appearance, style of dress, etc. There are people who experience huge social penalties, just for being in-betweenies, and the are people who are morbidly obese, and don’t experience any social discrimination at all. As a couple people have mentioned, there are a zillion factors that come into play.
I think it *is* true that a confident attitude can help, in most social situations. And for some people, it can mean the difference between acceptance and ostracism. But raw attitude is not going to cut through all the barriers, all the time. There are just too many other factors involved.
I personally noticed a significant drop in male attention when I went from a size 4 to a size 8/10. (I’m happily boy-friended right now, I’m just saying.) But what some of the comments made me realize is this: it’s not that men are ostracizing me because of my weight. It’s just that I’m a cute, nerdy, altogether pretty plain-looking girl. When I was thin, my tiny waist was an unusual, eye-catching feature. I stood out. Now I don’t. But it’s not because men think I’m horribly gross and unf*ckable; it’s just because I’m ordinary. And the few men who do notice me, often really like me.
So, I could lose some weight. Or, I could invest in a new haircut, some cute clothes, and a kick-ass red lipstick. Both help me stand out in a crowd, and probably buy me more male attention. But the second option would be much more fun
I’m in my early 20s, 5’8, and a size 16. Like most women (reguardless of age or size), I am not particularly confident about my weight; though I must admit, I am not particularly loathsome of it either.
I know we all hear about how attitude and confidence affects how people perceive you, and it’s true. Reguardless of size, I find that if you’re confident and upbeat, very few people will pointedly ignore you or even give you disgusted, shameful, or mocking looks. If you are ashamed of yourself and act like you want to be invisible, people will treat you like you are invisible, and even something to be ashamed of. People naturally try to match the attitude and energy of whomever they are interacting with face-to-face, like a social auto-pilot. This is a primal, subconscious manifestation of wanting to be accepted– i.e. if they match your attitude, you are more likely to accept them. The key is to be the one to initiate the energy. If you speak first, smiling, radiating warmth, they will respond positively and try to match it. If you talk to somebody sullenly and unsure of yourself, you can bet your ass they’re not going to be all bubbly and thrilled to talk to you. Try to project to other people exactly how you want to be treated. Act to others how you want them to act towards you. Most of the time it works, and I just moved to New York City, land of famously cold, wary and ill-temepered people. I haven’t had one person be a complete jerk to my face in this city yet.
So, the bit about positive energy and confidence said, I think it’s time to mention being physically attractive and treated well by potential love interests. The nitty-gritty, and the core of why we’re all really here. Like I said, I’m a size 16 (sometimes an 18 or 20, depending on the designer or my own over-indulgence), so I’m no pixie. However, I have been told by many, many men numerous times that I’m very, very beautiful. I’ve been lusted after, sought out, dated, brought home to meet the parents, and even been proposed to three times, so I do not doubt for a second that there are men out there that LOOOOOVE curvy and/or fat women. I have friends that are also “fat” women, and they can’t figure out why I’m dating and why they’re not. We are all within similar dress sizes, so it couldn’t solely be size alone.
I asked one of my male friends, and he told me some very interesting blunt truths from the male perspective. Firstly, he said that he thought I was doing so well in the dating world because of my proportions–that is, bust to waist to hip ratio. This suprised me. I more or less assumed that guys would pay attention to or dismiss a woman sheerly by the general size they found desireable, but my friend told me that all men talk about concerning a woman they find attractive is SHAPE. My measurements are 50-38-48, which are definetly big by society standards, but are pretty much, as he pointed out, “the hourglass shape”– of Marilyn Monroe fame. The hourglass shape has long been touted as the ideal shape, and women have even forced themselves into corsets to try an attain it. He emphasized that it’s certainly not the only silhoette men find attractive, just the broadest. Many men prefer the pear shape, with wider hips, butt and thighs. According to him, men are relatively flexible on actual weight and dress size, so long as the woman has the right shape he is attracted to; too far under or over, and he’ll lose interest. He also stated men agreed on by far that by far the least attractive shape was a stick-straight shape: no breasts, no waist, no hips, no butt, no thighs; essentially, no curves, anywhere. So love your curves–they do! He did mention, however, that any girl that had a shape close to a circle is naturally going to run into some problems. He said there’s a difference between having curves and being a curve.
Secondly, he pointed out pride in appearance. I think a few people mentioned it in their posts, but there is a lot to be said for a woman who maintains excellent hygiene, dresses well, and make sure she looks her best everyday versus a woman that runs around in sweats with her hair up in a sloppy ponytail. He said good skin, hair and teeth were all essential, because that’s what makes anyone (man, woman, mammmal) look healthy.
Ultimately, however, he concluded that the most appealing thing about a woman by far is her confidence– being comfortable enough in your own skin to allow other people to be comfortable with it as well. If you seem happy, confident, and at ease, people will love to be in your prescence because they will want to match you and feel happy, confident and at ease themselves. Play up your good features, your favorite features–you know you have them! Pretty eyes? Get that mascara out! Barbie feet? Put on those hot shoes! Plump lips? Gloss at the ready! Great hair color? Style it! Cool tattoo? Show it! Great cleavage? Round Butt? WORK IT! Play up what you like about yourself, and your confidence will grow and extend to more than just your specialty areas. If you do all that and still don’t feel confident in your own skin, fake it ’til you make it! Confidence is the only thing you can initially fake and eventually genuinely end up believing in.