Comments on: WLS & Divorce http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/ We're bringing chubby back. Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:02:47 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Dan http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-198115 Dan Sun, 12 Dec 2010 21:12:18 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-198115 My wife had GBP surgery a year ago despite my wish that she not do it. I'm not the begging type, but I literally begged her not to do it. So far she's lost about 100 pounds, but I think that about 20 pounds too many. The army sent me 1600 miles about a year and half ago, and we couldn't afford to take a loss on the house, so she and my son are still there. So, we already have stress on the marriage from that and I feel that the weight loss has compounded it. We're in counseling right now, and in the last session the counselor asked her 3 times if there was someone else. After mulling it over I think there is a strong possibility that there is. My observation is this: many women lose a lot of weight and start receiving attention that they weren't before the surgery. For some it's too much temptation. In my case some other...."person" may have seen an opportunity and stepped in. This is just speculation, but I will find out. My wife had GBP surgery a year ago despite my wish that she not do it. I’m not the begging type, but I literally begged her not to do it. So far she’s lost about 100 pounds, but I think that about 20 pounds too many. The army sent me 1600 miles about a year and half ago, and we couldn’t afford to take a loss on the house, so she and my son are still there. So, we already have stress on the marriage from that and I feel that the weight loss has compounded it. We’re in counseling right now, and in the last session the counselor asked her 3 times if there was someone else. After mulling it over I think there is a strong possibility that there is.
My observation is this: many women lose a lot of weight and start receiving attention that they weren’t before the surgery. For some it’s too much temptation. In my case some other….”person” may have seen an opportunity and stepped in. This is just speculation, but I will find out.

]]> By: John http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-27836 John Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:55:41 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-27836 My wife had the lapband surgery about a year and a half ago. My wife has lost about 90 pounds since. But eversince she has lost the weight, she's seems to be neglecting me more. Before she lost the weight, we didn't go out much. Now it's like that's all she wants to do. Now she doesn't even want me to go when she goes out with her friends. She says she is not in love with me anymore but that she loves me because of our kids (Alex, Ruben, Samuel). She says she doesn't want the kids to grow up without their parents. My wife won't even kiss me or even talk to me after she's been gone all day working. I am a stay at home dad. I love my wife with all my heart, but it seems she doesn't feel the same way about me. She says she just needs time to think about us. She wants me to give her space. I tell her to let's go and talk to a marriage counselor, but she won't have anything to do with it. That tells me she probably wants out. Should I give her the space she wants or should I keep fighting for her? I love my wife and if something happens and she wants out, I will be devastated. Please help me. My wife had the lapband surgery about a year and a half ago. My wife has lost about 90 pounds since. But eversince she has lost the weight, she’s seems to be neglecting me more. Before she lost the weight, we didn’t go out much. Now it’s like that’s all she wants to do. Now she doesn’t even want me to go when she goes out with her friends. She says she is not in love with me anymore but that she loves me because of our kids (Alex, Ruben, Samuel). She says she doesn’t want the kids to grow up without their parents.

My wife won’t even kiss me or even talk to me after she’s been gone all day working. I am a stay at home dad.
I love my wife with all my heart, but it seems she doesn’t feel the same way about me. She says she just needs time to think about us. She wants me to give her space.

I tell her to let’s go and talk to a marriage counselor, but she won’t have anything to do with it. That tells me she probably wants out.

Should I give her the space she wants or should I keep fighting for her? I love my wife and if something happens and she wants out, I will be devastated. Please help me.

]]> By: littlem http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10935 littlem Sat, 03 May 2008 00:04:40 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10935 "but don’t insurance companies spend money on WLS?" This is sort of off the top of my head, but for the ones that do in fact cover it, I would imagine that their actuarial staff would have cranked out a formula where they only cover a certain percentage of the cost, which is always going to be less than the aggregate of the premiums that they've charged -- and progressively raised over time -- for all their clients, with additional increases for the clients that actually have it and have additional problems that need medication and assistance as a result of it. “but don’t insurance companies spend money on WLS?”

This is sort of off the top of my head, but for the ones that do in fact cover it, I would imagine that their actuarial staff would have cranked out a formula where they only cover a certain percentage of the cost, which is always going to be less than the aggregate of the premiums that they’ve charged — and progressively raised over time — for all their clients, with additional increases for the clients that actually have it and have additional problems that need medication and assistance as a result of it.

]]> By: La Wade http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10951 La Wade Thu, 01 May 2008 19:38:57 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10951 How do insurance companies make money off of weight loss surgery, exactly? Hospitals and doctors obviously make money off it, but don't insurance companies <i>spend</i> money on WLS? How do insurance companies make money off of weight loss surgery, exactly? Hospitals and doctors obviously make money off it, but don’t insurance companies spend money on WLS?

]]> By: littlem http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10954 littlem Thu, 01 May 2008 18:53:55 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10954 <blockquote>I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say WLS is being *forced* on anyone. Sure, it’s being marketed like hell as the solution of all problems, but I hardly think it’s being forced on moderately overweight folks.</blockquote> Give it time. Remember when the cutoff for "normal" blood sugar was lowered from something like 27 mg/dll to something like 22? And didn't they do something similar recently with the BP? (I'm at 118/70, but I'm almost waiting for it to go up in response to this mess, since I don't have time to meditate 24/7) Anybody want to take bets on the over-under? This is Amerikka. And we're in a recession. How much does anyone want to bet the insurance CEOs are sitting around telling their medical and accounting staff to "show me the money"?

I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say WLS is being *forced* on anyone. Sure, it’s being marketed like hell as the solution of all problems, but I hardly think it’s being forced on moderately overweight folks.

Give it time. Remember when the cutoff for “normal” blood sugar was lowered from something like 27 mg/dll to something like 22?

And didn’t they do something similar recently with the BP? (I’m at 118/70, but I’m almost waiting for it to go up in response to this mess, since I don’t have time to meditate 24/7)

Anybody want to take bets on the over-under?

This is Amerikka. And we’re in a recession. How much does anyone want to bet the insurance CEOs are sitting around telling their medical and accounting staff to “show me the money”?

]]> By: littlem http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10953 littlem Thu, 01 May 2008 18:49:20 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10953 <b>gina,</b> I'd have an earful for your husband, especially if I was <i>already doing</i> all that he has suggested (we're not even going to get into the fact that "a couple" of walks "around the block" does not necessarily a body-changing mitochondritic change make, particularly if one is female, with more estrogen, which makes more fat, proportional to other bodily compounds, than the male body has to cope with, which is the perspective point from which he's making his judgments, since he has one of the latter, yes?) -- but then, he's not my husband, is he? gina, I’d have an earful for your husband, especially if I was already doing all that he has suggested (we’re not even going to get into the fact that “a couple” of walks “around the block” does not necessarily a body-changing mitochondritic change make, particularly if one is female, with more estrogen, which makes more fat, proportional to other bodily compounds, than the male body has to cope with, which is the perspective point from which he’s making his judgments, since he has one of the latter, yes?) –

but then, he’s not my husband, is he?

]]> By: Fat Girl http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10950 Fat Girl Thu, 01 May 2008 11:03:10 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10950 When I was contemplating weight loss surgery, this was actually one of the big things I was SO worried about. I think a lot of people assume that it is just what they said in the article- all about self-esteem, but the comments here are really great because it points out that there's more to WLS than just losing weight. I know that my depression is a real strain on my relationship, mostly because my S.O. just doesn't know how to deal with it. When I'm sick, he goes crazy; When I'm really down, and need him to take care of me more than usual, I can tell that it frustrates him. So I know that WLS would be a HUGE strain! I mean, it's not a bouquet of pretty flowers where you lose weight and everything's hunky dory. It's essentially supervised sickness. So I don't think it's surprising that it strains marriages. I bet if they looked at some of the more chronic health conditions, they'd find the same thing. It's just that it's more "acceptable" to have a relationship break up because someone had WLS than it is because someone got sick. When I was contemplating weight loss surgery, this was actually one of the big things I was SO worried about. I think a lot of people assume that it is just what they said in the article- all about self-esteem, but the comments here are really great because it points out that there’s more to WLS than just losing weight.

I know that my depression is a real strain on my relationship, mostly because my S.O. just doesn’t know how to deal with it. When I’m sick, he goes crazy; When I’m really down, and need him to take care of me more than usual, I can tell that it frustrates him. So I know that WLS would be a HUGE strain! I mean, it’s not a bouquet of pretty flowers where you lose weight and everything’s hunky dory. It’s essentially supervised sickness.

So I don’t think it’s surprising that it strains marriages. I bet if they looked at some of the more chronic health conditions, they’d find the same thing. It’s just that it’s more “acceptable” to have a relationship break up because someone had WLS than it is because someone got sick.

]]> By: special_K http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10949 special_K Thu, 01 May 2008 05:58:30 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10949 I had WLS recently after a lot of difficult soul searching and have my own take on the possibility (not, as some seem to think, the probability) that my relationship will suffer post-operatively. I think there is a lot of over-generalization when it comes to the concept of "settling". Its not like we're settling a homestead here folks! People change and evolve their own self-understanding of happiness in relationships at all sizes... sometime this leads to break ups or divorce. Nor is settling something that applies only to seriously abusive boyfriends and the desperate women who lack the self-esteem/resources/help to get the hell out. For me I see how I've "settled" into a life that was making the best of my situation rather than shooting for the moon dream-wise. For example... always thought I'd join the Peace Corps after college but had so many chronic health issues that were being exacerbated by my weight that the P.C. was just out of the question. I know that WLS isn't a magical bullet that brings a life free of pain, illness, or heartache but I've started seriously looking into the P.C. again and see other opportunities as possibilities rather than hopeless dreams now. Those were my limitations, such as I accepted them, and this is how I define my success now--overcoming the limitations that had nothing to do with my health and everything to do with my attitude. However just because some of this <i>is mental rather than physical doesn't mean the two things don't operate hand-in-hand. What I wanted to add is that whether my relationship lasts the next few years won't be depending on whether my partner and I still have the hots for each other or if I suddenly realize I could do better but on the sheer challenge of facing so many new and exciting choices that may steer us in different directions. If I join the P.C. we're pretty much not going to attempt anything long-distance. Maybe facing down my own self-doubts will make me want to strike out on my own for the sake of freedom. That's ok, but it won't be because I lost the weight. It'll be because I'm going after my dreams (some of the obstacles to which WLS helped remove). One last thought--I think there's a fallacy here at work in which the demise of a relationship post-WLS is treated as some proof that there's an insidious superficiality fueling such surgery's popularity. Sure there's a limit on when and if WLS is appropriate but I object to the whole attempt to quantify patients' relationship stability as evidence pro or con. I had WLS recently after a lot of difficult soul searching and have my own take on the possibility (not, as some seem to think, the probability) that my relationship will suffer post-operatively. I think there is a lot of over-generalization when it comes to the concept of “settling”. Its not like we’re settling a homestead here folks! People change and evolve their own self-understanding of happiness in relationships at all sizes… sometime this leads to break ups or divorce. Nor is settling something that applies only to seriously abusive boyfriends and the desperate women who lack the self-esteem/resources/help to get the hell out. For me I see how I’ve “settled” into a life that was making the best of my situation rather than shooting for the moon dream-wise. For example… always thought I’d join the Peace Corps after college but had so many chronic health issues that were being exacerbated by my weight that the P.C. was just out of the question. I know that WLS isn’t a magical bullet that brings a life free of pain, illness, or heartache but I’ve started seriously looking into the P.C. again and see other opportunities as possibilities rather than hopeless dreams now. Those were my limitations, such as I accepted them, and this is how I define my success now–overcoming the limitations that had nothing to do with my health and everything to do with my attitude. However just because some of this is mental rather than physical doesn’t mean the two things don’t operate hand-in-hand. What I wanted to add is that whether my relationship lasts the next few years won’t be depending on whether my partner and I still have the hots for each other or if I suddenly realize I could do better but on the sheer challenge of facing so many new and exciting choices that may steer us in different directions. If I join the P.C. we’re pretty much not going to attempt anything long-distance. Maybe facing down my own self-doubts will make me want to strike out on my own for the sake of freedom. That’s ok, but it won’t be because I lost the weight. It’ll be because I’m going after my dreams (some of the obstacles to which WLS helped remove). One last thought–I think there’s a fallacy here at work in which the demise of a relationship post-WLS is treated as some proof that there’s an insidious superficiality fueling such surgery’s popularity. Sure there’s a limit on when and if WLS is appropriate but I object to the whole attempt to quantify patients’ relationship stability as evidence pro or con.

]]> By: anna http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10948 anna Thu, 01 May 2008 04:12:51 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10948 star jones is an interesting character...as are many celebrities. i try not to think celeb lifestyles are the NORM...i like to think my average lifestyle is more the NORM. star jones is an interesting character…as are many celebrities. i try not to think celeb lifestyles are the NORM…i like to think my average lifestyle is more the NORM.

]]> By: Anon http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/comment-page-1/#comment-10947 Anon Thu, 01 May 2008 00:35:50 +0000 http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/04/30/wls-divorce/#comment-10947 I think the thing people are overlooking in terms of the relationship between WLS and divorce is the cause vs effect. When someone is finally realising that the long-term relationship that they are in is failing, they suddenly also are aware that they will soon be in the dating field again. Thus they are more likely to start worrying about how they look, and trying to do something about it... just because the WLS came chronilogically before the divorce doesn't mean it was the cause. Perhaps the failing relationship was the cause of the WLS instead of the other way around. Of course, the WLS could be a last-ditch effort to make their partner pay attention and try to save the relationship - but alas, thin or fat we and our partners are the same people and sometimes relationships can't be saved. I think the thing people are overlooking in terms of the relationship between WLS and divorce is the cause vs effect. When someone is finally realising that the long-term relationship that they are in is failing, they suddenly also are aware that they will soon be in the dating field again. Thus they are more likely to start worrying about how they look, and trying to do something about it… just because the WLS came chronilogically before the divorce doesn’t mean it was the cause. Perhaps the failing relationship was the cause of the WLS instead of the other way around. Of course, the WLS could be a last-ditch effort to make their partner pay attention and try to save the relationship – but alas, thin or fat we and our partners are the same people and sometimes relationships can’t be saved.

]]>