21 And Never Been Kissed
First, there was the 14-year-old who wanted to know how to feel beautiful. Then, the 16-year-old athlete dealing with bulimia. Here’s another e-mail from a young woman (this time she’s 21) looking for some support and help from Big Fat Deal. Bolding mine.
So I really don’t know how to start this e-mail. I go by Ambular on BFD and here I find myself crying my eyes out at 2:41 in the morning and have no idea where to reach out to. Everyone on the blog seems so supportive and I was hoping maybe I could get some insight. I am 21 years old and have been held back by my weight for my whole life. I was teased constantly in school, to the point where I had to drop out of regular high school and am currently working towards my high school diploma from a local community college. I have never experienced the normal things girls do at my age. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been kissed. The few friends I have are very supportive of me, but don’t truly understand what I’m going through and I feel almost awkward going out with them because my lack of experience at age 21. How do I explain to them that I have never dated anyone, let alone had a simple first kiss when they’ve been in mutilple relationships and one is even engaged? I just feel so alone and like I’ll never progress from where I am now. It’s depressing to think that in this day and age, 16 year olds have more romantic experience then me. I apologize for being a bother…I just needed to reach out to someone. Thanks so much for listening.
You’re quite welcome, Ambular. I was honored to get this e-mail. It reminded me of an old Vine letter answered by Sarah Bunting back in the day. Sarah’s answer is not an exact fit for your problem, but it sounds like you have low self esteem that is holding you back—not just romantically, but in other ways (like interfering with your education). That’s something that talking to a good therapist can really help you with. Sometimes people need a little bit of help to start putting themselves out there.
As for the romantic angle… well, among other things, I dated a gay guy in high school. “Make out with a gay guy” is probably not the best advice to give you. Well, it’s not the worst advice, either, now that I think of it. But before you head out to your city’s Castro District, click the comments button, and read on.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Personal, Sex & Romance
I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 33, and I was a virgin until I was 35. (I’m 36 now, so this is fresh.) When I was 21, I worked with a very tight-knit group of women, many of whom were about a decade older. Everyone knew everything, and worse, they talked about it! With me! Which, at the time, was absolutely humiliating. Yes, they teased me sometimes, but mostly they were very supportive. Many of them were fat themselves. Some of them were in relationships, some of them weren’t, but all of them were comfortable in their own skin, and shared openly about their own experiences. More than anything else, what they all expressed to me, in words and by example, was that how you look really doesn’t hold you back. What holds you back is how you feel about yourself, and how your feelings about yourself keep you closed of from people and experiences.
Of course, at 21, I didn’t get it.
Therapy is good. Do it. It’s not a sign of weakness. It will help. If it doesn’t help, find a new therapist. Even with incredibly close, supportive, loving, caring friends and family, it’s sometimes hard to say the things you say to yourself (and truly believe!) out loud. And there’s a reason for that. Namely that they’re patently ridiculous and completely untrue! But you have to say those thoughts out loud in order to realize it, and a therapist is a wonderful person to say them to. Seriously. Do it.
I also recommend some adventures in internet dating. Excuse the caps, which are for emphasis, but… POST A PICTURE. I know you don’t believe it for a minute, but there are men out there who enjoy larger women. And I may get ripped apart for this, but even if you wouldn’t necessarily want to date them, let them tell you that you’re beautiful. It’s good for the soul. Google BBW dating sites, and wander around. (Make yourself a throwaway email address for this purpose, and don’t give out your credit card number unless you’re absolutely confident in the site’s legitimacy–google the site name itself. Sometimes you can find mention of them elsewhere on the web to get a feel for whether the site is worth your time or not.) Buy a webcam. Chat online with men who contact you. Seriously. Let them tell you you’re beautiful and sexy. Then let yourself believe it.
As for your friends, telling them your situation is a double-edged sword. Maybe it would take some pressure off if they knew, or maybe it would just make an embarrassing topic for conversation, and lead to those suggestions to hook up with just anyone and “get it over with.” I would say, if there is anyone in your circle of friends who you trust and you WANT to talk to about it, you should. If not, don’t. Even though everyone I worked with knew my situation when I was 21, when I transferred later, I didn’t tell my new coworkers/friends, and kind of liked not being forced into embarrassing conversations! Kind intentions or not, those who haven’t experienced it have no idea what it feels like.
Oh, one last thing! The lack of a relationship partner? It’s not as much about confidence as it is about openness. I’m still not confident in my body. I’m doing better, but it still takes a lot for me to be comfortable in an intimate situation. Developing self-confidence is a huge undertaking. Finding a relationship doesn’t have to wait until you’ve mastered it! However, once I allowed myself to be open to the possibility that men might find me attractive, not just in spite of how I look, but even because of it, I noticed that yes, as a matter of fact, some men did. And I also noticed that I found some of those men attractive as well. The fact is, the men in my community didn’t wake up one morning with a hankering for BBW’s. And God knows, I didn’t wake up one morning glowing with newfound self-love and sex appeal. The men were the same as always, and I was the same as always…the only thing that changed was that I allowed myself to be open to the possibility that someone might be interested in me, and accept at face value the interest that was shown.
Ambular, you’re local to Seattle and you like music?
Look up the band Gaia Consort (http://www.gaiaconsort.com/), give them a listen, see if they’re something you’d like. If they are, try to make it to a live show sometime–looks like the next show is a house concert in Issaquah in July.
I promise you will see many lovely women and men of all sizes who are dancing, singing, and having a fabulous time. :) And if you want someone to sit next to and talk to, my contact information is on the Web site linked to my name above. Drop me an email, we can talk–I’m planning on being there.
Wow, that reminds me so much of myself … I had my first kiss at 20, and up until then I had been feeling exactly the same way. Except that, you know, I’m not fat. Not at all. I used to be quite thin as a teenager, even. Well, as far as advice goes, I guess it’s all been said already. :)
Ambular,
I know many have already given you wonderful advice, but I would like to share my “never been kissed” story with you to maybe make you are not alone.
I’m 29 years old. I got married last year. I was kissed for the first time 6 months before I got married. I went on my first actual date 3 months before my kiss.
I worried about it, thought no one would ever love me, etc. etc. finally I decided I was going to live my life for myself and be content. I never thought I would get married…and finally just became okay with whatever life threw at me. As soon as I stopped worrying about it, my husband came along. I always thought my weight was what was holding me back in life, but really it was just me. I didn’t need to kiss a bunch of boys to be able to kiss him. I didn’t need any other “experience” to be able to enjoy myself with him.
And, it was actually a pretty big turn on for him that I had never kissed anyone. So, you can use that to your advantage one of these days. ;) (I also wanted to wait until I was married to go further than kissing and he was willing to wait.)
So, work on your life, what you want to do, what you aspire to be…and all the other stuff falls into place.
p.s. I also learned what I DIDN’T want out of a relationship by watching several of my friends and there numerous relationships…so, always be observant and know what you don’t want.
that first sentence should end with *to maybe let you see…
It’s late and I seem to make little sense.
My husband is perfectly attractive according to societal “norms”. (Bear with me)
At 5’8″ and 148-153lbs, he’s lean with a nice amount of muscle on him; intelligent; kinda shy–but not painfully so. His speaking voice is deep and pleasing, his sense of humour is wonderfully dry, and he’s always had at least a handful of good friends.
Add to this he’s worked in Hollywood (yes as in the movie industry) for over a decade. But, the man had never had a girlfriend before me. Never even been kissed. Not until I was the lucky woman to be given the delicious moment that was his first kiss. . .six months after his 30th birthday.
As someone who is perhaps on the other side of your point of view, please believe me when I say what I must.
It is nothing to do with your weight. It is nothing to do with any lack in you. It is those poor foolish people around you who are incapable of seeing the gem that is YOU! I know, because I am ever so grateful that all those other women who were in my husband’s life before me missed the wonder that he is, and now he’s all mine.
Anorexic women, women who cannot be moved from their beds without the use of a crane, and every kind of woman in between fall in love, or are fallen in love with, every single day. Weight has no bearing on kisses.
I had my first kiss at age ten, and many kisses in between. There were none so sweet, or as hot, as the moment when my lips first met those of the man who became my husband. On the day we got married, and ever since, I’ve been the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. At 5’3″ and 230+ lbs I am far from the societal “norm” that is deemed worthy of deserving kisses.
You deserve your first kiss, and many more to follow after that. I’m sure that when the time is right, the person who can see the real wonder that is you will be unable to help themselves when the time comes.
Hopefully they’ll also help YOU see the truly delightful person that is yourself; as my husband helped me to see my true self, rather than the one my low self esteem tried to tell me I was.
{hugs}
Mo Pie, I thought for a second when you linked to the Vine that it was going to be the letter *I* wrote to the Vine, asking the exact same thing! This is my letter. It’s a lot like all the other Vine letters – “Why haven’t I been kissed? What should I do? Is something wrong with me?”
This was published April 27th, 2006. I remember being utterly amazed at the coincidence that the day she posted it was the day after I kissed someone for the first time.
It was nothing special, although it was, at the same time, because it was the First Kiss. But anyway, I’ve been there, I know that feeling of, “You SAY it’ll happen and you SAY I’m not hideous but if that’s true IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. So you must be wrong!” But it is two years later and I have made out with a dozen people since and I feel confident and desirable. So I say: you are a sexy, delicious, desirable woman. You just have a hard time believing that right now. One day – maybe before your first kiss, maybe after – but one day you will realize just how amazing you are, and you’ll wish you could’ve gone back in time and told yourself that. In the mean time, us telling you that will have to suffice. :)
I am absolutely loving that there are so many of “us” out there… I was 20 when I had my first real kiss, from my first real boyfriend (in what turned out to be a short-lived but somewhat sordid affair that left me heart-broken and eventually 60 pounds heavier. I’m an emotional binge eater. Whatever.). Anyway, a couple years later, I lost my virginity on my wedding night. It was worth the wait. Of my circle of friends, I was the last to lose my virginity, but the first to get married. One of the girls got knocked up her first time (because she didn’t think it was possible to get pregnant your first time….) and the other one… The other one lost her virginity while watching “Beerfest” with a creep that she just found out is technically a pedophile! So believe me, it’s definitely worth waiting!
You really have a lot going for you, just by being at a community college. Get your high school diploma or GED as soon as humanly possible, and get into actual college courses! Take a course in something completely different, just to test your own mind and meet new people.
And if you’ve got a MySpace, add me! :-D
There is some wonderful advice here, and I’d like to add my name to the “late bloomer” list. I agree wholeheartedly that working on you self as teem will make everything easier. However when I was in your situation a dear dear friend of mine said “you know all that stuff about no one being able to love you until you love yourself, well it’s crap!” and logically i knew that it isn’t possible that all the folk in the work lucky enough to be loved loved themselves right back, and that was such a relief to me. The idea that I didn’t have to find someone to kiss, but and the magical route to self acceptance was a relief.
sometimes love just comes along, without rhyme or reason, it did for me aged 22, shy, lonely and fat.
lucy x
Okay so this might not be what you want to hear, but of all the posting about internet dating I wanted to share with you my story. I have only told one person this story until now but I can’t not warn you. I was 34 years old and had never been anythinged. I was shocked when I discovered the BBW dating sites as I honestly never believed anyone could find me attractive. It felt wonderful to have many men tell me how “sexy” I was. For the first time in my life I thought–this might be possilbe. For someone with no relationship experience this is overwhelming and yet I thought, this might be my only chance. I let my naivity and desperation take over and ended up making a horrible mistake that has left me 4 years later with even lower self esteem than before. Be very careful of these sites, I am sure many great guys are there but many know exactly what “easy” targets women with low self esteem can be. So here I sit at 38, with a great job, great friends and a serious chip on my already broad shoulders because I felt the need to search for something I didn’t really need to complete my life. Kissing someone you don’t have any feelings for or knowing they don’t have real feeling for you is totally not worth it.
It shouldn’t be wrong to not have an “other” in your life. You are worth far more than you think-and having someone next to you does complete you.
[…]Mo pie at Big Fat Deal has been doing some pretty awesome things of late[…]
I definitely agree with the above posts–the most important thing is developing your self-esteem. I found that the rest (relationships, friendships, education, career) followed only after I worked on my confidence. You have the power to make yourself happy, and you deserve to be happy. Ask yourself what brings you joy, and then go for it!
I had a similar experience growing up … i was heavy and never really dated in high school and was not popular with the boys. Unfortunately, I developed an eating disorder in my later high school/early college years, and let me tell you, even when I became rather thin, I still didn’t get many dates because I continued to have low self- esteem, and it showed. I think the way you present yourself, and the feelings you project about yourself, count for so much more than your shape.
Good luck to you!
Just adding my voice to the chorus. I didn’t get kissed till I was 21 and I’m 23 and still have never been in a relationship or had sex or anything. And I’m fine with that. What worked for me was being happy not by myself, but with myself. I’m not looking for love right now partly because I barely have enough time for me right now – I’m a grad student – and partly because I don’t really feel the need. I like being by myself, I have awesome friends, I love my life the way it is. I hope everybody here can help you find the love you’re looking for inside yourself, Ambular.
Honey, I’m 27 and never been kissed on the lips. My one long-term boyfriend (13 months) told me about 6 months into our relationship that he wanted his first kiss to be on his wedding day. First of all, I can completely understand not wanting to have sex till you’re married. But what he wanted seemed unnecessarily prudish to me. (That’s just my opinion – if others in this thread want to wait for their first kiss, go ahead.) It also made me feel really bad, like I wasn’t good enough for him to waste a kiss on. But today, I’m happy being single… the more married people I meet, the more miserable I see that they are. Sure, I know happily married people. But I’d estimate that 75% of the married people I know are overall, unhappy. I really don’t know if I ever want to get married, and I’m happy with my freedom. Friends can call me up and say “hey, wanna go do something?” and I don’t have to worry about asking my husband if it’s okay or finding a babysitter for the kids. I love that I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself, especially when I look at one or two of my friends whose husbands call them every hour when we’re out, wanting to know what they’re doing. (I also understand wanting to know what your spouse is doing, but come on, every hour or two is a little ridiculous. Give us an evening to hang out once in a while.)
I want to add my voice to the chorus saying that you shouldn’t feel like a failure. Personally, I did have a boyfriend briefly in high school – and the kissing was *terrible*. Abysmally bad. Wipe-your-face-afterwards bad. So teen makeout stuff isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be. I could have done without that experience perfectly easily. (Interestingly, I don’t remember it bringing me any kind of kudos or credit in my all-girls school. Or maybe I didn’t notice because I really didn’t care.)
There are a lot of ways to meet people – online dating, joining groups related to your interests, going to bars, friends of friends, and so on. I know a guy who was in your situation aged 23 or so, who suddenly made a romantic connection with someone he had known for many years.
As everyone else says, how you feel about yourself comes across to other people. If you can learn to like yourself the way you are, do stuff you enjoy and come to terms with being single for now (you don’t have to like it, just… find a way to live without absolutely constant yearning) then opportunities to meet and connect with people will open up, and the better you feel about them, the better they work out.
Reading your letter was kinda amazing because I’m the exact same age as you and in virtually the same position. I have to say that a couple of years ago, when I was in high school, I felt the same exact way. I was depressed and probably didn’t even realize at the time to what extent. I held myself back from social situations because I felt awkward or uncomfortable. My friends were great, but I don’t think they really understood.
I wish I had an firm answer or some better advice, because, believe me, I understand how hard it is, but it’ll be ok, at least that’s what I tell myself. I don’t worry too much about romance and love these days. I do have to say, that while 3 years ago it felt like so far away, 21 is still young. Maybe it’s just me, but I still feel young and immature sometimes. I’d love to be in a relationship, but when it happens, it happens. Sure this isn’t what I was thinking a while back, but now life has kinda shown me that I have a long way to go. I focus on my future and how great it may be one day. I try not to focus on the negative. I meet new people and enjoy the new things that they bring to my life. I really wish you the best and hope that you find happiness from other parts of your life.
I know I’m light years late, but I felt I just had to comment because the story was soooo close to home. I think this is actually the first time I’ve commented at all on the site, but I just couldn’t not comment.
Ambular – Your post really struck a chord with me. At one point, I was there. I don’t think there’s much I can add to what others have already said – except that I, too, live in Seattle, and if you want to hang out sometime, that would be spectacular. Befriend me on Facebook or Myspace or something – my name is Kate Massingill. We can meet up somewhere!
Wow, I can’t believe how many people there are on here in this situation. I am too. Not identical, I’ve kissed and gone on a few dates, but that’s pretty much it. I’ve never had a relationship or sex. I’m 24. I should also mention that the bulk of my kissing has involved alcohol or been with a friend (usually gay) at midnight on New Years.
I also chalk it up to self-esteem. It’s taken me a long time to realize this. I’ve gone through all the excuses…no guy would ever want to sleep with someone fat like me, my thighs are so big he wouldn’t be able to find what he’s looking for down there anyway, oh these dumb boys just want a skinny blond sorority girl to bang, they only see me as a friend, etc.
Plus my current one, I live with my parents and while they’d never say no you can’t go out, no you can’t stay out all night, they are very intrusive and would ask really awkward questions if I spent the night with someone. Yeah, I know it’s a cop-out.
On an intellectual level I know it’s my self-esteem, on the occasion I do get hit on, I back away all scared (not to mention it seems like only sketchy guys and the homeless hit on me). But my low self-esteem makes my neurotic side think it’s all the things I said earlier.
When I am interested in someone, I always pine from afar, then I look back later and think oh, when he said that, it might have been a clue he liked me, I bet if I had asked him out he’d have said yes.
Obviously you’re not alone. We’re all here. And I bet most of us who have posted these thought we were the only ones. I know I did.
<3
I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 27. I also discovered I was a lesbian.
Think of your weight as a “jerk detector”. Those poor skinny girls can end up wasting years with jerks before realizing it. Can you imagine the horror of thinking you’ve found the love of your life and then having him dump you when you gain ten pounds? You’ll find someone who loves you for *you*, and doesn’t care that you’re fat.
I don’t have any good advice, since I’m in a similar boat. First kiss was last May and an attempt at a dating-thing with that same boy that lasted a month or two or so and didn’t go further than kissing. I was just sooo insecure about letting someone close to me since I’m so uptight about having my personal space and keeping people out of my bubble — seriously, even holding hands was this whole ridiculous big thing to me since I’m not a touchy-feely kinda girl. So I know nothing. Although I do know that I unfortunately have taken a lot of the teen movies of the 1990s to heart. It’s pretty easy for me to convince myself that all I am is a bet, a stupid bet!
I have a vague idea that a big chunk of it is wrapped up in how I perceive myself. I know some women our age and body-size who are totally outgoing, gorgeous, fabulous people and are heartbreakers, but jeebus, I don’t know where they get it and I wish I had just a little bit of that. And all the suggestions about getting yourself a self-esteem is, I think, probably spot-on but I haven’t figured out how to get one of those yet.
And when I feel really bad about it, I watch ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’. It always makes me feel better. She doesn’t lose weight to get her guy and other than the title, the word fat isn’t ever really mentioned that I remember. And okay, so Nia Vardolos isn’t really fat by anybody’s real life standards, only in Hollywood, but she’s still closer to what I look like than Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts.
But, anyway, thanks for writing this because it’s been very helpful to read all the comment.
i am 28 and never been kissed, a damn beautiful woman i always here ppl call me BUT always the BUT!!! fat.
I am confidant woman, great career wear smart clothes but i still belive cos i am a fatty i will never have any1, i recently started getting desprate looking for men on the net – but so scared to meet them cos of being rejected.
I’m 23 and I’ve never been kissed. It doesn’t bother me. Why? Because I don’t need the sexual interest of anyone to validate me as a person. In fact, I don’t even want it.
Oh, for crap’s sake! I feel sorry for the girl, I really do, but someone needs to slap some sense into her.
My first kiss was at 22, and I’m a size 4 US and close to underweight. My best friend is 23, larger than me (maybe a size 12 US?) and has also never been kissed or dated anyone. Sometimes the right guy is arriving late. Keep your head up. Stop blaming your weight and work on your psychological issues.
I am 23 and have never been kissed, never haf a boyfriend. It feels good to see that a lot of people around the world are in the same situation. I thought I was weird.
I do not have a lot of friends , only two actually. I do not want to do anything because I feel a bite depressed, I know it is supid. I would love to do a lot of things, take care of my self, but I do not do it, I don’t let myself doing whatever I want. Everytime I want to try to do something, i back off, I am too shy, I have always the feeling that people look at me. I really do not know what to do, just hide myself.
I do not know if someone would read this, but it is feel good to say it