http://www.thebodyhasamindofitsown.com

Thank you for reminding me, Colin — I’ve been a little distracted.

Happy Easter weekend, everybody!

Also, ed. “some think positive”. Although it’s dark, she needs more coffee.

There’s a book somewhere that talks about the fact that when your body is altered in some major way, like losing a substantial amount of weight, there are parts of your brain that literally can’t catch up to your perception with your senses of what your new body looks and feels like.

So it’s even more confusing when people are reacting differently, when your personality was the same as it always was — more men hitting on you (some thing positive) to the point of physical harrassment (negative); longtime womenfriends complimenting your appearance (positive) but then starting not to invite you out with their husbands or significant others or telling you you look “tired”, “haggard”, or “drawn” now (negative) — or flat out telling you they’re dropping you because now you’re competition. (Lovely!)

I wish I had known about the brain thing. I think it would have made it easier to adjust and sort of mentally divorce myself from the proceedings, in a way — like, that I didn’t have to have a personal opinion about it all, even if everyone around me did; just that I’d changed something about myself, like gotten a degree or won a prize or learned a new skill or something, and it was just another change to integrate.

Hahaha. If I ever get that level-headed …

I’m very lucky in that I’m married (so I don’t have to put up with unwanted flirters) and I had the same boyfriend/husband when I was fatter and can’t see that it ever made any difference to him. But I do appreciate that luck.

It still sort of stuns me that people don’t particularly see me as fat – I’m still overweight, I’ve just… somehow slipped below that line where people make assumptions. I didn’t notice it happening, and sometimes I wonder if the average-ish body that I see in the mirror is an illusion. Maybe I’m still fat and just kidding myself? (But my clothes disagree.)

While I don’t assume this is the case with anyone but me, I use to numb every feeling – good and bad – with food. As a result, I never really gave much considered thought to what was important to me, what I considered to be “my truth.” I never cared enough about who and what I was, and not because I was fat, but simply because I wasn’t particularly emotionally evolved. But, having been socialized into thinking that fat = worthless, didn’t help matters, and it was a vicious cycle, and one that obviously never produced any real self-worth until I stopped listening to outside voices.

It’s taken a long time, but I’ve started to have faith in myself, and trust that I know what’s best for me and who I am. I guess if I CAN offer anything, it’s to be patient and kind to yourself. You’ll get more adjusted to your “new” body and all of the hassles that come with it.

But I think that this is a feminist issue just as much, if not more than, a fat one. I know that part of the reason I’m so bothered by positive attention my body or appearance may get me is that I resent living in a world where people think that I will judge my worth by looks and thus they need to compliment me (how many times has an aunt said “You look great, did you lose weight?” and think she is being so kind?). I resent living in a world where men I don’t know think that’s acceptable to comment on my looks as I walk down the street, reducing my body to an object that is there for their viewing pleasure. I resent the expectation that I need the attraction of a man, I need to have a boyfriend, in order to have a fulfilling life, and without that I must be inherently lonely….these are all things that all women experience by virtue of the fact that they are women. Certainly the issue of body weight, lost and gained, adds some complicated layers, but mostly I am furious that no matter what my size, there is consistent assumption and judgment and objectification.

My advice to Loren would simply be to work on setting your own goals–what do you want to do with your life? Do you want a boyfriend? How important to you is it to look a certain way when you get dressed in the morning? Laying out the honest answers to these questions will maybe help you ignore everyone else…

Shinobi is dead right about essentially drawing a line in the sand that other people cannot cross, re: your body and your (perceived) availability, as evidenced by your hotness.

Maybe it’s a bit like moving, from a house you loved, and were really comfortable with, and had lived in for a long time, to a new place, and now you have to think about things like drapes, and cupboard arrangements – but pretty soon that new house will feel like home, too.