"The Beautiful People Are The Skinny People"
I got this e-mail a couple of days ago, and have been thinking all weekend about possible answers. This is the heart of why I write this blog: to help girls just like this 14-year-old to stop hating themselves. But how? After agonizing about how to answer this, I thought maybe I’d just post the question, and we can all try to come up with some answers in the comments.
Ms. mo pie,
I know you’re not an advice columnist (or maybe you are?)
But you just seem so confident with your body!
It’s really hard not to judge yourself when the image of beauty is a size 0.
Every where I look the beautiful people are the skinny people! Everyone just..accepts them!
I know I’m talented…but that doesn’t make the girl in the mirror look any better
and everytime my mom tells me I look pretty…I just can’t believe her!
Is this just a “fourteen year old phase”?
What’ll it take for me to love my reflection?
‘Cause everytime I say to myself “You’re beautiful” it feels like a lie…How do you do it? How can you just totally accept yourself exactly the way you are! What your secret? Will you share it with me?
Thank you.
This could be your niece, your daughter, your teenage self. So how do you answer this question? How do you make “you’re beautiful” feel like the truth?
[ETA: The follow-up.]
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Omg, this poor girl. It could be my niece, my daughter, and it definately IS my teenage self. If I were you I’d start off by telling her some of the facts about how half of the world is overweight and the average size is a size 12. Then I’d console her, tell her how brave she is for writing to you and how beautiful she must really be to be so brave. Tell her your struggles in your teenage era and give her some pointers. Just make her feel beautiful and comfortable in her skin. This is a hard thing to do, there’s no right answer in this case. I only came to acceptance of my weight after I stopped trying to shop at ‘skinny’ people places. I’m still working some things out, too. Refer her to other self acceptance blogs, make her feel at home. Even show her the comments that people left, because she is beautiful no matter what.
And btw, for 1 hateful thing said it takes 45 kind responses to get rid of that negativity. They did a study on it, but I can’t find it right now.
Think of all the things your body can do.
Your body is probably pretty strong. Your legs are pretty amazing, right? They get you around, bend and move in all sorts of ways, keep you moving forward and progressing. Your belly takes food and turns it into energy; that’s a pretty amazing thing. Your arms and back can carry everything you need, or hug a friend in need, or deliver a sharp elbow jab to someone who’s being a jerk. Your hands can translate your thoughts into writing.
That’s all pretty generic. I don’t know you, so I don’t know what other amazing things your body is capable of. Sports? Knitting? Cooking amazing dinners? Writing out kick-ass geometry proofs? Being a solid support for your friends, setting out fearlessly into the unknown, creating all sorts of never-before-seen art projects?
Your body is how your mind accomplishes its work in the world; it’s what lets you do and be and act. We tell women that their bodies need to look a certain way, but if we all looked the same, we’d all be do-ing and be-ing and act-ing the same, and that’s not what this world needs. It needs all our individual bodies, and all our individual talents, and all our individual limitations in order to create the diversity of experiences that exist. If everyone were the same, even if everyone were perfect, the world would, frankly, suck.
Look at your body and love your body not for what it looks like to others, but for what it does for you. Find the parts of it you like, the parts of it that are strong or flexible or hard or soft in just the right ways, and concentrate on those for a while. Maybe you can’t hear “You are beautiful” yet (though you are), but try “I am strong” or “I am fearless” or “I am flexible” or “I am solid” or “I am energetic.”
Say good things about yourself long enough, and even you will come to believe them. (Remember that it works the other way, too, and stop yourself from saying negative things about your body, even in your head.)
(Also, on a more concrete note: if it interests you at all, yoga is remarkably wonderful for body acceptance, because you’re doing such weird poses that you can look around and see how different everyone’s body works, and learn your own body’s strengths and areas for growth. I really need to work on being flexible, but I’ve come to realize how strong I am through yoga, and how I can use my strength to work on my flexibility. Others in my class find flexibility really easy, but can’t hold poses in the same way I can, because they have to build more strength. It’s kind of neat to see the range.)
I wish I knew. I hear all the usual crap from my students. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ten year old girls who haven’t even started puberty yet talk about their diets.
I think in order to believe you’re beautiful there are certain things you have to believe first.
You have to believe that so much of the world is in the business of telling women that they’re not beautiful, and that being beautiful is the only way women can ever be worth something. This is the big idea. They make money off this idea. They love that this idea gives them something to hold over women. And as for who “they” are: they are companies and magazines; they can be men who have discovered the power of this idea; they can be women who have given their lives over to slavishly following this idea and think you should, too; they can be the guys in your homeroom and the jerk who shouted something at you on the street; they can be perfectly nice people, too, your friends and your mother and people you love.
I know, it’s intense. It’s much easier to believe you’re not beautiful than believe the above. But that’s kind of how it works.
Start reading. There are tons of great books out there. The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf is older than you, but it’s a good place to start. Read this blog. Read other blogs. And when you can’t believe yourself when you tell yourself you’re beautiful, remember that it doesn’t mean it’s not true. It just means that you’re still making your way through all the lies—lies that are so powerful that even the beautiful people don’t feel beautiful. That goes for both the skinny girls and for you.
She should know that even the skinny people hate themselves. That it’s not just something that people who are larger than a size 0 go through, that its systemic among women especially. None of us are allowed to be happy. If we were, there wouldn’t be a market to sell us things that promise happiness, like make-up and hair dye and clothes and diets.
I think, for me, I really try to cultivate an appreciation for the beauty in everything and everyone. I have kind of a woo-woo Zen outlook in general, and from that perspective, the fact that we are living, thinking, loving, singing, dancing, breathing, passionate creatures….is freakin’ amazing – and that’s true from the smallest fungi to the biggest whale int he ocean.
I find life to be such a miracle, and every person to be such a breathtaking manifestation of that miracle….I don’t know anymore how *not* to find someone beautiful.
I dunno if that’s useful to people with other worldviews…but it’s where I’m coming from.
I often wish I had the opportunity to time travel and tell my 14 y.o. self how beautiful and smart that she really was. I’d also tell her that sometimes it doesn’t matter how supportive people are around her, she’s going to get the body blues, and she needs to prepare for these times by continuing to read and learn about body / size acceptance.
Sometimes you have “know” that you are wonderful and beautiful and talented as you are, even when you don’t feel that way looking in the mirror. As an adult I still have days when I feel that only the thin people are beautiful, and I counteract that with beautiful fat art and all of these awesome FA websites.
To the young woman that wrote in: I don’t know you and may never have the chance to meet you, but the fact that you are asking for help with self-acceptance is simply amazing and so wonderful to see. Even if you don’t realize it, you have asked these questions because your very soul understands your worth and is gently calling your mind and heart (and eyes) to agreement. Continue searching, continue reading, continue questioning, and keep looking in the mirror – one day you will see your beauty. You are loved and supported by more than just your mother and friends – you are loved and supported by all who have come before you and know your struggle. We are here for you, we are rooting for you, and without even knowing you, we know that you are so very beautiful.
Love,
Kelly
Look around you. Not just in school. Look at the insane variety in body shapes and sizes and colors. The popular girls at your school may be a size 0. But (a) they may not have hit their teenage growth spurt yet and (b) even if they have, they either are built that way or are making themselves miserable to stay that way.
It’s really tough at your age. About half the girls have woman bodies, with boobs and hips and butts. The other half don’t have those yet. Neither half is happy.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean starving and compulsive exercise. It means trying to get a balanced diet and incorporating some physical activity. It also means looking at the people and influences in your life and making sure that those things make you feel GOOD about yourself and not bad. Develop your talents, and be glad that your mom tells you you’re beautiful….not all moms do.
Junior high seriously is the most sucktacular time in any person’s life. I don’t know one adult who would go back and do that again.
You might also read Mary Pipher’s book “Reviving Ophelia” – it’s an interesting look at girls your age and why they tend to be not happy with themselves.
Finally, you may not believe this – but writing the letter to Mo says that you accept yourself more than you think. You WANT to be happy with who you are. That attitude goes a long way.
Good luck, and know that you’re always welcome to come back when you need a pep talk or inspiration. I think that’s the best thing about this community.
This is soo freaking close to home…because I used to think so horribly of myself at that age and I actually used to be skinny!! All through High School I weight 109 lbs. and I thought I was FAT and disgusting.
But, I have to say I think I used to think that way because I didn’t have a lot of friends (including boy friends).
I would have to ask this girl why she thinks herself this way? Is she a heavy girl and people let her know it? Or is she like I was and shy without a lot of friends and guys that wanted to ask her out?
Either way, I don’t have any advice…I have just now as an adult comet to terms with the way I was and the way I am now…the only thing I could tell her is that she is not alone.
Ugh, this breaks my heart. That is my teenage self right there. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self many things, starting with “you’re beautiful just the way you are.”
To the 14-year-old:
I don’t think it’s “just a phase,” but I think everybody struggles with their image of themselves in adolescence. Your body is doing all kinds of weird shit, even if you’ve gone through puberty early; your hormones are raging; you’re trying to do way too much in a day when your body needs care and nurturing and plenty of rest. Not only that, but high school is a total emotional minefield. It’s hard to love anybody, let alone yourself. I think it makes sense to be freaked out sometimes, and that it’s easier to start accepting yourself as your body settles down. That’s without bringing dieting into it, but anyway.
Another thing that’s really important to know: those of us who appear super confident and accepting still have bad days. We still have days where we think we’re fat and that means we’re ugly, where everything from our hair to the shape of our toes is wrong wrong wrong. So don’t beat yourself up further for not being able to love yourself every time you look in the mirror. Nobody does, except total narcissists.
I don’t have any good answers. But one thing that worked for me? My mom always tells me I’m beautiful, and I started trying to believe her. I know I have gorgeous eyes and pretty hair and a great smile and an awesome little triangle of freckles on my cheekbone, because I tried to find what could be beautiful about me. Starting small and working my way up helped. So did finding clothes that made me feel beautiful – wearing colors I loved, going to stores that carried my sizes rather than squeezing into things that were too small, wearing jewelry I loved. And finally – this might sound dorky, but it’s true – acknowledging the strength of my feminist beliefs was tremendously helpful, and realizing that the current standards of beauty are totally enforced by the patriarchy and huge corporations in order to sell us stuff and keep us quiet. But that’s me.
I totally understand that this seems really hard to do. My sister is sixteen, and she struggles with her own body image – and she fits pretty comfortably into societal standards of beauty. I think she’s beautiful, but she never believes me. So I’m trying to help her, but it’s not easy.
Goddamn. I wish I knew what to say to her. When I was her age, the internets weren’t what they are today and I had no resources like this blog and so many others to help me out. I’m 30 and still struggling with this, so I really have nothing to offer, unfortunately. I do have to add though that my friend’s five-year-old son (FIVE. YEARS. OLD.) worries about what food he eats because he doesn’t want to get fat. I cried when she told me that.
This IS my 14-yr-old niece. She’s been talking about this stuff since she was 9, though. I have always done my best to be supportive, and to point out that as an athlete, she wants her body to do stuff that is a lot different than the stuff Amanda and Lindsey and Hilary do. So she needs to look at other athletes and how they’re built, instead of movie stars.
And that a “diet” does NOT equal starvation.
Please also look at some of the great classical art, Reubens comes to my mind; where the beautiful woman was most definitely not the size zero.
What everyone has said is so wonderful. I think what I would add/emphasize is that loving yourself isn’t something you are ever done figuring out. Even as an adult, I struggle with finding myself beautiful sometimes. It is so hard, yes, but the question is, do you want a life that you love? Because if you do, then you need to not give energy to other people’s expectations to such a degree that you stop living your life.
That was me in high school as well, but I think the biggest reason I felt ugly back then was because my family was poor, and I didn’t have nice clothes. My mother never wore makeup, so I didn’t know how to put it on or buy it. I didn’t really have a sense of style besides wearing the baggiest shirts and jeans I could find and burying myself in yards of extra fabric. In my senior year, I got some extra money and started buying clothes that fit and started liking the way I looked more.
I’ve never felt skinny girls were beautiful; I’ve often felt they were forgettable. Instead, I like looking at girls with curves and an alternative style. When I feel unattractive, I experiment with makeup, hair color, even perfumes, because I usually just need a change in my look. My advice is to experiment and find one thing you love, whether it be a sweater or the smell of a body wash. Use it as much as possible until you find something else you have to have. At the same time, keep telling yourself how much you love yourself and how beautiful you are, because it won’t always seem like a lie. Chances are, the skinny girls you think are beautiful hate themselves, too.
This is something that has to come from inside a person, not from the outside. All the tips and tricks and affirmations in the world won’t force a change in an unwilling mind, but you have to find whatever it is inside you that makes it true for you. A lot of that comes through doing whatever it is that you are uniquely good at, because the satisfaction of creating or performing something great drowns out a helluva lot of self-loathing cynicism. It can be anything; art, sports, music, theater, writing, gardening, martial arts, photography, crafts, etc. etc. etc.
Do something physical. I agree about the Yoga since it challenges you, you can work up to it gradually at your own pace, it helps your balance and posture, and it makes you really aware of your body and what it can accomplish.
Then, surround yourself with good people. Friends are not really friends if they tear you down or make you feel ashamed of any part of yourself, physical or personal. A friend is someone you should be able to trust. A couple of true friends is worth more than a houseful of “associates” that stress you out.
Skinny people hate their bodies too. The “beautiful people” often see just as much to hate about their bodies as everyone else. That doesn’t help or comfort much, but it’s a perspective to hold onto so that you’re not placing anyone on a pedestal. Choose your heros by what they do and who they are, not by what they look like.
Wait it out. It isn’t “just a 14 year old thing” as adults can be just as dissatisfied with their bodies and just as subjected to hate, but the possibility of finding people who accept you and love you the way you are increases exponentially with the maturity level of people around you. Once you’re out of high school and into the real world you have many more options when it comes to social circles and competitiveness. Avoid the types of people that come with built-in drama and find the ones that are confident enough in themselves that they don’t need to tear anyone else down (they exist, keep looking.)
And finally, something a friend of mine told their own 14 year old: Remember that in high school there’s a tendency to put what other people think ahead of what you think or want. Don’t be surprised if a year, 5 years, 10 years after you graduate, someone says to you, “I wanted to ask you out in high school, but I was too afraid of what my friends would say.” Then you can look them in the eye, smile, and say “Bite me. There’s nothing about me that’s changed since then, and if you’re the kind of person who lets their friends dictate their decisions then you’re not good enough for me.” Then walk away.
Thoughtracer is absolutely raight that even people most would say are beautiful are very seldom ever happy with themselves. There is too much money to be made from making people think they need improvement for anyone to be declared good enough, and too many people who make themselves feel better by putting other people down. (Note, though, that this is a lot more satisfying for them if they can see that they’ve gotten you down. Fight back by trying not to let it get to you!)
It’s especially hard to wrangle with things like this as a teenager, when everyone is seeking approval from everyone else. We all get really weird in our teen years. Hang in there – it WILL get better!
From the time I became chubby in grade school until I met my boyfriend (now fiancé!), quite a bit of chub later, I never really liked my body, much less loved it. It has been his loving adoration that has made me realize that some people do think we’re hot stuff – we just don’t get to hear those voices over all the obnoxiously loud negative ones. Old habits die hard, so I still have to constantly remind myself that I deserve to be happy and confident. (Even the people who appear most confident still have their secret doubts!)
Whenever anyone makes you feel bad about your body, remember that their opinion doesn’t count. Nobody who has anything to offer you would intentionally hurt you. Be yourself, be as confident as you can (even if you don’t always feel it) and seek out the people who appreciate you for who you are. (And even if you can’t see who they are, you’ll draw them out eventually by continuing to stand up for yourself!)
Here’s a link to a nice art site, this page has thumbnails of various paintings by Reubens on it. There are lots of other artists also.
http://www.artrenewal.org/asp/database/art.asp?aid=85
Poor dear. Having been that size 0 in high school, I can tell you that even we didn’t feel pretty. There is always something about your body someone thinks ought to be different, enhanced, better. Someone is always, always, always going to say “You’d be pretty if only you changed X.” Some lucky people get attention, but as a society we’ve dedicated ourselves to the consumerism of never being/having enough. There’s always something you should change yourself into. There’s always some pill or potion you can buy to fix “what’s wrong.” None of it helps. “What’s wrong” will change next week, next month, and next year. What you can do is find a way to look in the mirror and say “No matter what anyone else thinks, I am doing what is right for me.” Its a long journey, but honestly asking someone how they can be happy with what you have when you aren’t is a very good first step.
Trust your body to tell you what it needs, don’t try to tell it that it is wrong. Get whatever you consider your weaknesses up to a functional level and pump your strengths as far as they can go. I promise, you have strengths. Find them. Ask others to help you find them.
Look around you. You don’t care about people because they fit the clothes you happen to have hanging around for “the perfect mom” and “the perfect friend.” You care about these people because you look at them and think “comfort.” It doesn’t pain you to look at them because they didn’t lose all their baby weight, have acne, or anything else. People are beautiful because they have in themselves something worthy of love. That is what you see when you smile to see your best friend walk up. It is beauty. Now all you need to do is find it in yourself to see you as you see them.
Sorry if it meanders a bit.
The “ideal” in beauty changes all the time. What was considered ideal in 1890 was out of fashion in 1920, 1940 looked back on 1920 and laughed.
As Piffle, said, go to museums and look at the different body types that artists chose through the centuries to portray their ideal. Most bodies they show (while missing important information, like body hair!) have hips and tummies and breasts.
Believe in the strength and beauty of your body. Believe in the beauty of your courage and your sense of self. Believe in the beauty of your good sense and charm. And when in doubt, come and get virtual hugs from us. We believe in your beauty.
One note about the insane amount of comparisons and “What will my friends think?” that happens during the teenage years: It’s not just that teens are shallow or insane or whatever; it’s an important developmental stage that we all go through during which we kind of figure out how to have relationships, how to deal with other people, how to be social beings, basically. I think our consumerist society has warped that developmental stage into “Buy this, look like this, and you’ll fit in!”, which can be extremely harmful, but there’s nothing fundamentally wrong right now about caring what your friends and other people think — doing so lets you develop the skill of “mindsight,” or being able to get a sense of how other people see the world, and that’s an important part of learning to be a compassionate, empathic person.
The trick is to learn those important social skills without feeling like your entire self-worth depends on how others see you. Part of that may just be forgiving yourself, and forgiving others, for judging, and (as others have said) accepting that sometimes you’ll feel like crap, but that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re “failing at body acceptance.” We’re none of us perfect, and it’s when we try to be perfect that we feel most like failures. Let go of what you should feel, should look like, should be, and just try to explore who you are for a while.
This is a tough one, but here’s an idea that helped me. People tend to judge themselves more harshly than other people. So, try to find beauty in other non-size-0 girls and women around you. When you start to see their beauty, it will help you to see that beauty is not about size, and that everyone has their own way of being beautiful. Then it will be easier to apply these concepts to yourself and see your own beauty.
By doing all of this, hopefully you will change your idea of what is beautiful and attractive. If you measure everyone against Hollywood standards, most people are going to fall short. And the fact is, just because images are presented to you as being “beautiful,” that doesn’t mean that you have to believe that they represent the only definition of beauty. People find all different things beautiful, and don’t believe that everyone finds size 0 hot. Because they don’t.
Sweetie, you ARE beautiful.
Is it your fault that our culture worships at the altar of “thin”? No.
Many other cultures have different ideas of beauty, and even our own culture has had, historically, different ideas of beauty.
But I don’t really think you believe that weight loss equals automatic beauty. I bet you know a lot of girls who are skinny but aren’t very beautiful inside, right? They might fool people with the outside for a while, but it’s funny: usually what someone is on the inside pushes out through her, and shines on the outside.
I bet you’re nice, and even if some people are mean to you they know, deep down, you’re nice, and talented. High school is hard. People are finding themselves, creating the adults they will soon be. Some people need to feel like they’re superior to other people, so they read magazines, watch TV, and get an idea of what our culture thinks is superior. Right now the culture says that skinny is superior to fat.
But is it true? Fat doesn’t make you bad. Fat doesn’t make you lazy, or ugly, or stupid, or untalented, or undisciplined. It’s just biological tissue, it can’t make you BE anything!
Sweetie, you have to understand that although a majority of people believes a thing, that doesn’t make it true. At one point in history, the majority of people thought the Earth was flat and the Sun orbited the Earth. Well, science was discovered that told them that wasn’t true. And science has been discovered, and more is being found out every day, that shows that fat doesn’t make you unhealthy, or stupid, or lazy, or ugly.
It will take some time for the culture to catch up, but they will. What can you do in the meantime? Stand up for yourself. Don’t let the haters treat you like you’re worthless, because they’re ignorant. Don’t let yourself be discriminated against without a fight. If the boy you like doesn’t like you because he thinks fat is ugly, then you know what? HE’s the ugly one. Keep your dignity in the face of adversity, like the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. did.
Keep that dignity, knowing that you’re right, and believe you’re beautiful, and attractive, and never, ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
I think it is ALL the above (esp the what your body can DO!) but mainly…how do you make it feel true?
WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT.
C.
I’m 28 and I still don’t know the answer to this. But it definitely breaks my heart when I hear kids going through these plaguing self-doubts.
Looks ain’t everything. Go to WalMart and check out the scary women with husbands and kids and lives.
You are loved now and you will be loved. Skinny people are loved, big people are loved and it just doesn’t matter as much as the media would have you believe.
It takes a long time, but by the time you turn 30 none of this will matter any more. You’ll see by then, or maybe sooner, that you’re ok.
I wish I had spent my young years trying to become educated, rich, and successful instead of trying to attract male attention. There are more worth-while goals than beauty.
Well, I think that people deal with body issues their whole life, but I really would say it is a 14-year-old phase. Women mature sexually (and socially?) way faster than men. I remember school trips when I was 14 and we’d play truth or dare and the question was always “who do you have a crush on?” and the girls would have a huge variety of answers and the guys would all say the same two girls who were most popular and conventionally attractive. I think this is because many of them didn’t really even have a true concept of attraction yet that early in sexual development, and being rather early in social development as well it didn’t feel acceptable to be attracted to anyone other than the girl who would look good in a magazine.
I always HATED this and hated myself and my mom always told me it would get better as I grew up but I thought “what does she know” and I’m sure you think the same thing, but I’m 22 now so I’m still near enough to remember how it felt and far enough to have some perspective and she was absolutely right.
As people grow up and mature and develop more complex and divergent personalities and the self-confidence that comes with experience, what is “OK” becomes so much broader. People have different interests, people become more friendly and understanding of people who are different than them because being smart and interesting become more important than being perfect. And sure, there will always be jerks who cling to their high school beauty queen mentality, but really as people grow up they become more concerned with enjoying life and getting something out of it than judging people.
As for beauty and attraction, I have many friends of many sizes and shapes, and I can tell you that none of them have any more or less luck with dating and relationships. Being skinny and conventionally pretty don’t make that stuff any easier, because it is confusing and hard for everyone. Sure, my friend who is teeny tiny and blonde and looks like Barbie gets hit on by about 50% more drunken men than me when we go out dancing, but it is also because she has a wonderful warm personality and engages people…. But drunken chat-ups aren’t really an indication of your likelihood of finding true love… I have actually had more fulfilling, long term relationships than her because she is uncomfortable being that close to a man for fear of losing herself. I have my own hangups witch are completely different, but the point is that when you grow up, yeah looks will maybe get more people to hit on you initially but as far as negotiating more serious relationships, outlook and personality are what really count. I also can’t stress enough how attractive self confidence is… if you walk, dress, and act like you like yourself and deserve the sort of attention you want, people will give it to you.
I will leave you with this thought that I know to be 100% true: everybody is someone’s ideal. Think of all those men who are in love with or married to fat women. I’m pretty sure they didn’t marry them with the intent of later starving them in a closet… they love THEM, fat and all.
I wish that you could magically know everything that I know about just how OK it is going to be for you if you keep on your path of self acceptance and develop your own style and personality, but I guess you’ll have to figure it out on your own.
There are a few things I would have loved to know in Jr. High, and like others I’ll pass them on to you.
Beauty is not an objective standard. Look at magazines and see how even the most beautiful women are sneered at and called names. There are really different tastes in beauty. If you doubt it, go to some art web sites and look at the sculpture and painting and carving of many generations. Be sure to find artwork from non-european artists as well as more familiar works. Start with the Venus of Willendorf – I look a lot like her. I’m happy with myself. I was able to start being happy with myself at about 14, oddly enough because there was no chance that I would ever look like the beauty standard. I looked at my good features, appreciated them and didn’t worry about the rest. It FREED me. I didn’t have to worry if the warmest coat made me look fat. I was fat, I was going to look fat. The world didn’t end. This positive, or maybe even neutral, attitude let me believe that admirers were sincere when they appeared. And they did. And I dated from 10th grade on through my totally blissful marriage, with a few breaks of singleness. I was able to believe in and trust attraction because I accepted my looks as the partial feature that they are. My completely stigmatized fat body has been a joy to me and my partners. I am comfortable and soft. I have pleasantly shaped sturdy arms and legs. My breasts are large, which is attractive to many people.
Jr. High was the worst time of my life and the lives of virtually every one I know. It is the worst thing most people go through in their entire lives. It was worse in its way than my brother’s death at nineteen, and I loved my brother dearly. It’s a miserably cruel practice to isolate people your age together. I’m considering homeschooling my twins between elementary and high school, it’s so bad. It’s every bit as bad as you perceive it to be. Most people are going through emotional struggles of various kinds. I am saying this not to depress you, but to give you hope for a bright future and self confidence in your perceptions. I’ll tell you what my great grandma told me: the next few years will be bad, it’s bad for everyone, it’s not your fault or anybody’s fault, and it gets better.
You cannot and will never be able to control what other people think of you. You can largely control what you think of yourself. Practice thinking well of yourself, whether it feels true or not. Self-love is a skill that does not come naturally to most, just like loving other people. So work on it like you work on your music or homework or athletics or art. Believing your mom is a good start. Sometimes your feelings will not match your thoughts, but your positive thoughts are the truth. I know adults invoke hormones excessively to explain the complex emotional process of growing into a woman, but they do play a role. You will notice this after they settle down somewhat. If you choose pregnancy at a later time, hormones will influence you in the same way, but most of your peers will no longer be tormenting you on a regular basis and it will be easier to handle.
Life is full of hope and joy, even though it may not feel like it right now. You will survive and thrive. Let yourself be imperfect, everyone is anyway!
Mary
All of the above! Plus I quote a wise man when I say “I’m not a slave to a world that doesn’t give a s&*t” (Marilyn Manson)
I’ve been where you are. I go there again every once in a while, but this is my internal rallying cry. They, those other people, their opinions DO NOT matter. They are not living your life, they don’t spend any time thinking about you past how long it took them to formulate and spit out some sort of insult to keep you down below their level. If someone isn’t willing to care about you past that, why in the world would you care about their pathetic little thoughts? The people who actually know you, who actually care about you, know you are beautiful and worthy. Only allow those voices, voices of people who think about you and care about you, become internal. Everyone else just has an agenda.
I’m a huge fan of affirmations. One of my favorite 12-step sayings is “fake it till you make it”. I’ve found it quite helpful for me.
Every time you look in the mirror…and I mean every blessed time…tell yourself how beautiful you are. Every time the thought runs through your head about being fat and ugly…remind yourself…”I’m fat and beautiful!” Every time you think that you are stupid, tell yourself how smart you are. You may not believe it at first, but keep saying. All day…every day. Words have power and over time you will start to lose the negative and believe the positive.
It won’t happen over night, it’s a slow process. But it will happen!
And while you’re doing these affirmations every day, do things that make you feel beautiful. I remember wearing ugly oversize clothes because they matched how I felt about myself. I’d never wear anything form fitting. But one day I saw this gorgeous sweater set that I fell in love with and after giving myself a good talking too about wearing what *I* like and who cares what others think, I bought it. It took me a few weeks to screw up my courage to wear it, because it was quite form fitting. But when I did, I got compliments all day long on how great I looked!
Wear clothes that make you feel good. Wear colors you like, regardless of what you think others might say. If they do say something negative, use the aforementioned “bite me”. Flip your hair like cheerleader, put your nose in the air and strut off…and I do mean strut!
You are beautiful and you are worth the effort to make yourself believe it, girl!
———————
That’s what I’d say to her.
If she was a relative, I’d point out how some of the most beautiful women in the world are related to us — and none of them are a size 0. I’d also point out that true beauty comes from within — in how a person interacts with the world. And never ever wear anything that doesn’t make you feel absolutely beautiful. I’d also add that as a skinny girl, I hated a lot of things about my body when I was 14. Now at 41, I know that we all had some sort of issue with ourselves back then.
Oh my god, honestly, I have no answers. Like many of the people commenting on this, I have no idea and there are tons and tons of days when I don’t feel beautiful. It’s probably not the best technique, but surrounding yourself with people who think you’re gorgeous works. Though what you do when you’re alone then is… difficult.
I’ve been finding, though, that when I do things with my body, when I’m doing regular yoga and taking walks, when I’m moving and flexing and feeling all my muscles work together, I feel beautiful and confident and alive; I feel like my body is just amazing, I feel empowered by being inside something so intricate. So my advice would be, I guess, to get out there and find an exercise-type hobby that you like and do the crap out of it (mine used to be hiking and horseback riding, now the yoga and walks). And make your boyfriend tell you how hot you are at least 60 times a day. ;)
I don’t think there is one thing you can say to this girl that will help her deal with her own body issues. But I think that you, or in fact, every one of us can say Something, ANYTHING to the people we know in our lives who might be struggling with this same issue. I’m sure no matter what you say to her will help her somewhat. Saying something positive is better than saying nothing.
So yay for this blog and the whole FA community for speaking out. What’s the saying? Silence denotes assent.
One thing I’m taking from some of these comments is that you have to be a real rebel to cast aside all of the hype and be happy the way you are. And it’s true!
I get a real kick out of being happy AND fat, knowing I’m not *supposed* to be; living my life the way I want to and doing fun things even though I’m *supposed* to put my life on hold until I conform to the ideal image put forth in popular culture.
It’s like getting away with something, because it IS getting away with something!
This is not to say that there isn’t a backlash, though. You can see this on anti-fat blogs and even comments on news stories and, of course, personal experience. I used to let the backlash get me down until I realized that the backlash is (at least in part) a measure of my success in bucking the system. The haters would never be so steamed if I hated myself like I’m *supposed* to.
How many have seen this TV ad: “Thank you, NutriSystem, for giving me my life back!”
WTF?!?
NutriSystem (or anyone else in the diet-industrial complex) does NOT own the lives of fat people! They do not hand you a shiny box containing your “life” when you complete the program/get the surgery/take the pills/buy the exercise gadget and lose weight. Nor do they whisk it away when you fail to lose/gain the weight back. We do that ourselves. Make up your mind not to do that.
Be a rebel!
More than anything, I would like to help this really brave 14-year-old learn how important it is to be kind to herself, and to recognize her own value beyond definitions created in an attempt to sell her something.
I have always been my own harshest critic, even at 14. I wasn’t like everyone else (or so I thought) because I was taller and more developed (though not nearly as fat as I thought I was), because I was smarter than most of my schoolmates, because I had some serious family dysfunction going on, blah blah blah. In other words, I was probably my own worst enemy.
But in the 23 years between me at 14 and me today, I’ve figured out that if I don’t value myself enough to treat my body, mind, and heart with great kindness and compassion, then no one else will value me in those ways either.
The Golden Rule says “do unto others as you would have done unto you”, but I firmly believe that it is just as important to do unto OURSELVES as we would do unto others. How do you talk to the people you love? Do you call them ugly names, abuse them for traits they can’t control, deny them emotional or physical sustenance until they meet some randomly established standard? If you would not do those things to others, then do not do them to yourself. (If you would do those things to others, then you’re a douchehound and you have bigger problems than your self-esteem, but I do not believe that is the case here at all.)
So, to sum up: honey, be kind to yourself. Look for your self-worth in all the ways that truly matter, not just against a set of physical criteria that are about 99.9% airbrushed and plasticized. Being a teenager is hard, and I wouldn’t go back for a zillion dollars. It took me a long time to get to where I am, and I’m still my own worst enemy most of the time.
You are smart enough to be actively looking for the truth at an age where most of us are or were dazzled by all the messages being thrown out by the media, our peers, etc. Treat yourself lovingly, please, and remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If *you* can find your own beauty, whether internal or external, that’s all that matters.
Also, being fat saved my life – twice. When pregnant with each of my two children, I had severe hyperemesis and lost significant weight – for example, with my son, a week after he was born I weighed 40 pounds less than I had when I got pregnant. If I’d weighed the “perfect” 158 pounds for my height, even half of that loss would have put both me and my child at serious risk. But starting each pregnancy at around 280, I had enough stores to keep me going and grow some pretty fantastic children. So there!
Hi – well I would read a lot of women litterature and smile at myself everytime I look in the mirror and slowly accept that I am who I am. Even though I want to change it’s not gonna happen overnight. So I focus on pleasure and beauty today with a twist of who I want to be tomorrow.
I can higly recommend “mama gena’s school of womanly arts” for this purpose – it’s wonderful
At 14 I was tall, skinny, and probably the kind of girl you think has it easy. You’d probably look at me at 30 and say “oh, she can’t possibly have body image problems”. You’d be wrong.
At 14 I’d also just been diagnosed with ADD, put on dexedrine and was about to go on the wonderful roller coaster of drug induced anorexia. By 16, I looked like a concentration camp victim. My mom kept a case of Snickers bars around the house for me so there would be something that I’d eat. I had no energy, felt awful and looked horrible. (This is not just my opinion… I scared my parents silly.) Through a lot of my teen years, the family meals were downright schizophrenic, since Mom is morbidly obese and was being diagnosed with type II diabetes. Refeeding an anorexic and dealing with diabetes is enough to give *anyone* food issues. Being even kind of sane on the food issue is all thanks to my parents, who are wonderful.
I managed to get off the drugs, and am now pretty phobic about diet pills. Now I’m 30, weigh about 165lbs, and am no joking fat for my body type. The medication I’m on to control menstrual pain convinces my body that it is pregnant and commonly leads to weight gain. Sometimes I look at myself and see only the fat. When that happens, I remind myself why it’s there… that fat means that for 3 glorious years, I’ve been pain free. I can walk, ride a bike, knit, read… no pain. Even if the fat magically went away… I’d still not be able to buy clothes that fit (that’s usually when I feel fattest). And of course, with the history of diabetes, I’m scared that I’ll develop the disease if I get too fat. I think of it as healthy with a side of terror.
There is no magic path towards accepting your body. Even for me, where I am no shit measurably healthier as a fat person, it’s hard. And it wasn’t any easier when I was skinny (not even when I was skinny and as healthy as I got). Madison Avenue wants skinny women to hate themselves, same way they want fat women to. Self hate makes them money, and they like money. It’s really easy for me to slide into the mental trap that if I just lost weight, my life would be better… even with the certain knowledge that it *wasn’t*.
You are real, and you have gifts and talents. You won’t know what all of them are yet, and that is wonderful. I didn’t pick up some of my favorite hobbies til after I was out of school. You’ll grow and change for the rest of your life, and that’s pretty awesome too. (I could have done without the magic instant breast part of my growing up tho… Makes for a funny story tho.) If you start from the foundation that you are real and have value, it’s a good place. If you remember that other people are just as special and valuable as you? Even better. And… you will struggle with this for the rest of your life. It’s ok. The rest of us are struggling too.
You don’t need to be beautiful or anything else people say you’re ‘supposed’ to be to love yourself and be loved.
Who you are is valuable already, and in your life, more people will see your value than you can possibly imagine right now.
Everyone, no matter how they look, feels some version of the same pain. What matters is what you do in the world.
Once you accept that you’ll never be ‘perfect’, all of a sudden, you will realize that you are.
im 17 and I love my 250 pound body.
I suppose it’s all relative?
To the 14 year old girl —
Your body belongs to you. It is yours to do whatever you want with. The way it looks is far less important than what you do with it.
Use it to explore the world, to sample new experiences, and to enjoy being alive. Think of your body from the inside as you do these things, not from the outside. How does the cake taste? How does the rain sound? How does the sand feel? How far is the walk? How soft is the baby?
Your body was designed by nature, and nature knows a lot more about building bodies than people do.
Do not listen to people who tell you to try and change your body, because they do NOT know what is right for you. Doctors, mothers, friends, magazine editors — no one knows your body, because they are not inside you. Trying to be skinny is the wrong thing to focus on.
Only you know your body. Oh, and nature. Nature knows your body.
So be your a friend to your body, and trust it over anyone else. Listen to it, pay attention to it, treat it well.
And by treat it well, I mean this:
1) EAT. Feed your body normal amounts of normal food on a regular basis. Do not starve it. Do not try to change it. Give it the fuel it needs to work properly. Give it nutrients. Give it treats.
2) SLEEP. Let your body rest. It’s okay to get enough sleep. If your body seems to work best on a lot of sleep give it a lot of sleep. If you feel best after six hours, go with that. Your body will tell you what it wants. It’s no one else’s business.
3) MOVE. Give your body a chance to dance, hike, run, lift, climb, ride, swim, whatever it wants to do, and don’t worry about looking any certain way while you do it. Your body cannot see itself, but it can feel itself. Stretch it, move it, push it, exhaust it — then let it revive itself.
4) BRUSH and BATHE. Practice good hygiene and take care of what you’ve got, and your body will last you a long time.
5) DECORATE? Enjoy your body. Maybe most girls have straight hair, so you straighten yours too. But then again, maybe you have really curly hair that’s cool in it’s own unique way. Decide what YOU like, and do that. Whatever YOU think looks good is what you should go with.
6) RELAX ABOUT IT and DISCOVER THE REAL YOU. One thing about beauty is that it’s different for everyone. Not everyone agrees on what looks good, though it’s hard to know that at 14.
The bottom line is that nature decided what you would look like, and now it’s up to YOU to DECIDE to honor that. Practice knowing your body and you’ll learn what’s really great about it. Do the same with your personality.
That self-knowledge is the core of your TRUE beauty.
“Self-discovery,” starts when you are around 11 years old. Anyone who thinks they have the answers for you really doesn’t. YOU decide who you are. YOU decide that you are beautiful. And YOU accept and acknowledge that your personal beauty is unique, imperfect, and changing all the time. And always worthy of love.
There’s a saying I rely on quite a bit: “You cannot belong to anyone, until you first belong to yourself.”
You are so lucky to be starting on this journey with enough sense to write and ask for advice. I suspect you’re going to do just fine.
:)
We see dozens of these questions asked on FunAdvice every day. It’s depressing, but it gives us the opportunity to give them advice about loving themselves. We could use your input over there, actually, feel free to join up :)
Let me put in a plug for the photo book Women en Large. If one learns to see other fat women as beautiful, it’s easier to see oneself that way.
I’ll also note that one thing that helped me was going to a NAAFA dance many years ago and being ignored in favor of women who were much larger than me. It wasn’t actually a pleasant experience, but it made me realize that there are lots of different ideas about what is desirable.
Dear 14-year-old,
Pretend you are not you, but your best friend. Not-you at all. Some other girl. You love your not-you very much, and she is sad. She doesn’t think she is beautiful. She doesn’t feel happy about herself. She’s not sure she loves herself much.
Write her a letter to cheer her up. What would you say? She’s your best friend! You can’t back down. Being negative won’t cheer her up. What would you tell her? On what would you compliment her? How would you praise her?
She’s your best friend. Don’t let her down. Tell her why you love her.
(P.S. Everyone feels this way some time, thin, glamorous, athletic, academic, whatever.)
Here are some things that have helped me when I realize I’m being cruel to myself, and by that I mean looking in the mirror and thinking, “You’re ugly.”
1) I look at pictures of myself as a little kid. Somehow this allows me to think of myself with more compassion.
2) A couple of years ago, I started taking nude self portraits. I did it because I thought, “You know, the only time I see myself naked is just for a second, before I get in the shower, and even then I only scrutinize myself!” It’s been really interesting to see myself from different angles, in different lighting, with close-ups of different parts of my body. And setting up the shots, really looking for the things that are interesting and pleasing about my body, helps me see it differently. Sometimes when I look at the shots I think, “Wow, I really am beautiful!” I don’t show these to anyone. I keep them for myself.
3) This one I wouldn’t recommend to a fourteen year old, but I’ll include it anyway, because maybe it will spark an idea for you. Last year I worked for a while as a model for drawing classes. I’d never been nude in front of a room full of people before – scary! – but there were some parts of the experience that were really great. During the breaks, I’d walk around and glance at the portraits people were doing of me, and I’d be so moved by some of them. They rendered me so beautifully. I’d think, “Wow, people see me this way.” I guess the moral of this story is that art can help – seeing yourself through another artist’s eyes can help. It’s tricky though, because not every artist’s vision would help you – you’d have to choose wisely.
But another great thing about doing this work was seeing all the other models – these women (and they were mostly women) came in every shape and size, and seeing them all at ease with themselves was so helpful. It was like, “Oh, we’re all just in different bodies. Oh. That’s fine. That’s normal.” I think reading size acceptance blogs is a step in this direction – surrounding yourself as much as possible with people who see it as *normal* that we all have different bodies can help a lot.
4) More on art: it really helps me to have movement classes with an artistic angle, like physical theater classes, dance classes, and trapeze classes. I’m really grateful to be an adult now, because I can search out these classes and take them. As a teenager it would have been much more difficult for me – I couldn’t drive myself to classes, and I didn’t have a job to pay for them. I don’t know what your circumstances are. But it’s exhilarating to learn new things with my body – to find out I’m stronger and more capable than I had thought. And also, even on the days when I’m struggling with judging how the various parts of my body look, still, I can *do* beautiful things with my body.
5) I make it a practice to appreciate bodies in general. Again, art helps. In normal every-day life it can be rude to stare at people’s bodies. But when I’m watching my friends rehearse and perform, I can make it a practice to notice the beauty of bodies, the way I might notice the beauty of trees, or streams, or anything in nature. Human bodies are beautiful, and I have one!
6) I spend time in nature. This is kind of related to point 5. When I go on a hike and appreciate the streams and trees and birds, my heart gets softer. It’s easier to think of myself as a part of nature, and then it’s easier to think of myself as beautiful.
7) I do not read fashion magazines. I turn off the T.V. When I’m feeling anxious about my body, advertising images make me feel worse. I stay away.
8) Do you sew? Do you have friends who sew? I have a friend Ashley who is a great clothing designer and maker, and she made me a dress. Oh my goodness I cannot tell you how good it felt to put on a piece of clothing that was made just for my body. I felt like a million bucks in that dress. My body has changed, so the dress doesn’t fit anymore, but when my budget allows it, I’m going to have her make another dress. I looked GOOD. And I looked good because the dress was *me* sized.
9) Sometimes, when I’m having a particularly low day in terms of how I feel about my body, I don’t try to address it directly. I read a book, I listen to music, I talk with my sweetheart about some silly topic. I just let myself get more calm. Some days are just more difficult than others – who knows why? And then I wake up the next day, and even though I look exactly the same, things don’t feel so dire.
10) Writing this with you in mind has helped me. Thanks.
I would tell this girl, “Sweetheart, the world puts a lot of pressure on us, but if you want to be a strong and happy person, you need to make a decision right now that no one gets to define who you are but you. No one else gets to define success for you — only you know what success means to you. No one else gets to define what is best for you — only you know what is best for yourself. And no one, I mean no one, gets to define beauty for you. You decide what is beautiful and true and right, and go out and be those things. The most important, special person in your life, the one person you must please above all others, is none other than YOU.
And if you believe in yourself, most other people will believe in you, too. The ones that don’t are generally damaged and not people whose good opinion (or bad opinion, for that matter) you should care about.”
I saw this post briefly earlier when I checked my google reader, but knew I wanted to come back and comment. So, I’m going to respond based on what has been brewing in my mind all day and THEN read the comments that came before me. So forgive me if I sound like a broken record.
To the asker – what I came up with is this – it can’t be done. You will never wake up one day and just totally absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt or reservations love yourself utterly. Some people call me a pessimist (maybe you can see why?). But I’m not – I’m being realistic. And facing my own particular reality means it will always be a struggle like so much of life is.
There are so many things to do all the time, what are called ‘life upkeep’ – washing the dishes and eating breakfast and sweeping the kitchen and doing the laundry and ironing your shirts and keeping up at work (or school) and staying in touch with your friends and your family and watering the plants and cooking supper and oh no, we’re back to washing the dishes again. Life is upkeep. And your emotional life is no different than your physical life. Sometimes it feels like you’re just going in circles.
You will always strive to feel good about yourself and positive about the future and happy in your relationships with other people. You will always have days where you think your hair looks like crap and notice you have a stain on your shirt after you’ve already gotten on the subway. You will always cringe a little, even if on the outside, when someone tells you “you’re beautiful no matter what.” Because you don’t always feel beautiful, so how can that possibly be true?
It’s a big long struggle, but it’s yours to fight. You’re not going to one day find the magic potion that makes you impossibly happy with your body forever and evermore amen. Some people will try to sell you that feeling, in a perfume or a lipstick or a clothing line. But the feeling doesn’t come from those things. It comes from striving towards it, from checking in on yourself and taking stock of how you feel as much as you can. It comes from fighting against the systems and people and voices (external and internal) that say you aren’t good enough the way you came.
Some days, I feel like a total waste of a human being. And it takes work and focus to bring myself round back to being a person again, and being a happy one at that. Some days I feel like I couldn’t possibly look worse if I tried – my hair’s crazy, my face is broken out, my boobs look weird in this bra, my pants don’t fit right. But it turns around when I make a friend laugh, when someone sends me a comment on my blog or a thoughtful email, when I bake a really awesome loaf of bread or when I put together a reasonably cute outfit. Things like this happen and you’re so absolutely comfortable in your own skin that nothing will faze you. It’s a fleeting feeling that might only last a few minutes, or a few hours – but your job is to keep chasing that rainbow and remembering what it means to feel good about yourself. Like everything else, it’s work – daily work – but keep at it and you will find yourself better able to recognize what does make you feel good and hold on to it for when you don’t.
Stacy, I love your advice.
For The Girl, people used to humiliate me all the time. In kindergarten, my teacher weighed our class and announced that I weighed the most. From that moment on, I was “Fatso,” I was “Lard,” I was Heather “Belly,” (actual last name: Bailey). They shamed me into hiding. I hid from everyone. My mom said I was beautiful and I balked at what I thought must have been her insincerity, since everyone else thought I was gross, and that was in first grade.
In high school, one bully even pulled my shirt over my head during a break in class so he could see my chest and shouted, “I’ve never seen a gut that big even on a GUY!” A bunch of kids looked over before I could get my shirt down and I cut class for the rest of the day: Total Humiliation. The thing is, I haven’t thought about that in about 13 years (I’m 32). The thing is, what I really remember about high school now is making my friend Kim fall on the floor laughing so hard she couldn’t sit upright. What I remember is my friend Dan Quail introducing himself to Oliver North when we saw him while eating at the Pizza Hut in our town. I remember how we went to homecoming dressed in our normal school clothes and got our homecoming portrait taken with another group of kids, our tongues sticking out in some kind of protest to the institution of school dances.
All the stuff that’s going on right now does not last through adulthood. You just have to make it through a few rough moments-that-feel-like-years with your head held high and you won’t even remember the last names of any of the possible doltish bullies you may be dealing with right now. Friends will get you through it like my two friends did. Your awesome mom will get you through it like mine did.
The people who love you are the only people who _aren’t_ lying to you. They’re the only people who really know you. Listen to what they say and start to see yourself the way they see you.