Morgan & Melinda
I keep thinking about the Mike and Juliet Show segment about fat acceptance. I keep thinking of the comments I get from people who are starting to accept that they don’t have to hate themselves, and how much that inspires me. And then I think about their segment on binge eating disorder. And people—commenters and bloggers both—standing up and telling their stories as a result. It is so incredibly powerful; I can’t add to the words of these women themselves.
First, Morgan, on her experience being on the show:
I had a Complete and Total Body Image Breakdown. 9.0 on the Richter Scale. An F5 ED tornado swept through my brain. You get the idea. I was nothing less than HORRIFIED by the way I looked. I just started sobbing right there at my laptop. I thought I looked absolutely disgusting-huge by comparison to everyone else on the stage; a perfect example of what happens to a huge, grossly fat girl that keeps stuffing her face. It was crippling. Even as I told myself that it was ED saying these things; even as I tried to reconcile all the great and generous compliments I’d received about looking wonderful; even as I desperately tried to rationalize the distortion – that it wasn’t real. It didn’t matter. Once again, I was back in that place and convinced that I was the ugliest girl walking the planet. It was horrible.
And my friend Melinda:
When my husband moved in with me, things got a little better but the behaviors never went away. I didn’t binge in front of him, but the compulsive overeating kept going. I would obsess over Twinkies to the point where I would send him to the store to get them for me; I am ashamed to say that I used him as my food proxy, hiding at home so I didn’t have to worry about a clerk seeing the fat girl buy Twinkies or ice cream or giant hunks of cake. His solo bowling night is Wednesday night, and if I didn’t have other plans I was quite often at home eating everything in sight. I’ve never admitted that to him; I’ve never admitted that to anyone…
It makes me nauseous to think about it all now, to actually finally confront it head on and admit that yeah, that’s me. I’m yet another person who has been struggling with an eating disorder for most of her life. Admitting that to myself has opened my eyes to another simple fact: whether I meant to or not, I chose to have gastric bypass surgery to treat my eating disorder. (Wow, that sounds a lot more fucked up on paper than it does in my head.) I wanted to lose weight, but I could not do it without a physical reason for binge eating to stop being feasible for me.
I read both of these posts and cried, because they are so honest and so courageous. Bravo to these brave, amazing women. You’re helping and inspiring people, probably more than you know. You’re helping people know that they’re not alone.
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Advocacy, Eating Disorders, Health
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Mo, as I came on to read this post, the site header read: “Consciousness-raising and Snappy Comebacks.” How appropriate!
I really think of the Fatosphere as an arena for consciousness-raising of all kinds, and that has incredible value and power for me. To imagine that there is a place where I can emotionally disembowel myself without fear – because I know there is a strong safety net of support to catch me – is so empowering, and has been a huge component of my recovery. Thank you for being part of this!
Blog on, sister.
.Morgan.
I think it is truly awful that people feel they have to have GBS to stop their eating compulsion. I feel so lucky that my route ended far better. That’s one of the things that makes me angry about people who blithely say, keep trying to lose weight, for me, this triggered and kept the compulsion going. I only found this out after I stopped trying to lose weight. You must observe the effects and weigh up the costs for yourself as objectively as you can. Rather than just going along with what other people think its the way.
How incredibly inspiring! These women are true warriors of the fatosphere, including you, Mo, and I just want to say that you need to keep it up. Never let go, Mo, never let go!
And now I’m a little teary, Mo. Thank you so, so much for all of your support; as I said on my own blog’s comments, it was really scary for me to open this up to everyone but I thought more good than bad would come of it and you’re proving me right.
I have to say that little bit on Mike & Juliet, despite the fact that I really disliked how Mike addressed the whole Suicide thing.. well, it sort of made me come to grips with something.
Fact of the matter is, I’ve been sort of “denying” the doctors saying I have binge eating disorder because I always feel like they see the fat girl and say “She’s THIS fat, she’s depressed.. that equals binge eating disorder” (As an aside I realize I’m lucky to have health care that even recognizes it as a legit disorder, but I’m at an Ivy league university and if there’s anything they deal with a lot, it’s mental problems (lots of ocd and perfectionist to the extreme types)- especially eating disorders) So I wasn’t really sure. I had my eating somewhat under control for a time and I wasn’t trying to drown my emotions in food but..
Now I’m back in Grad School and it’s happening and just.. watching that show? Structuring my days around when I can eat? Check. Hiding it? Check. And it was really tough for me because it basically makes me feel like exactly what morgan said- “perfect example of what happens to a huge, grossly fat girl that keeps stuffing her face.”
Really hits home, y’know? So.. I’m still struggling with it, but at least now I’m willing to admit to myself where it’s coming from and maybe see what I can do to work on it.
Also just wanna point out in response to Wriggles that a lot of times GBS and other bariatric type surgeries don’t actually help the mental disorder itself, if the person in question happens to have Binge Eating or Compulsive Eating problems. As many success stories as I’ve heard, I’ve also heard a lot of horror stories about when it doesn’t work.
It’s a difference between being able to stop eating because you’re full and keeping on eating even when you’re full.
Sorry if I wasn’t clear, Fat Girl, I wouldn’t recommend anyone consider Gastric Bypass. What I meant was that through chance, luck whatever, my weight did not get to the point that GBS seemed any kind of option.
I don’t believe fat people with BED or CED have this operation to ‘cure’ their eating problems, but to relieve some of the pressure on themselves. In this climate of, you create your weight, they feel acutely responsible for their weight.
Megan’s comment about being on the show really broke my heart because I think she’s cute!
She has a pretty face, great hair, beautiful skin, **jealous** and chic glasses. I also thought she spoke very well.
I graduated with a degree in psychology and at the time of my education which was within the last 3 years most of my professors had little idea what BED was and for the most part dismissed it and did not consider it a disorder that deserves its own place in the DSM. I am really happy that it is slowly coming into the light and that people are able to seek treatment for it. I for one am in the process of seeking treatment.
Also, I thought Morgan looked really beautiful, and Damn I need a suit like that!