Fear Itself
While I was looking for BFD Classic entries, I ran across a Kirstie Alley quote about being “too fat for sex.” In the original post, I wrote:
Putting your life on hold and thinking you’re “too fat” to do something is one of the most depressing side effects of being overweight. It’s unfortunate that [Kirstie is] perpetuating that idea to the world; on the other hand, I’ve been there.
It made me think of our recent discussion about bellydancing, where people thought, “well, if she can do it, I can do it!” I think it also touches a little bit on the idea of being afraid to do something because of being fat. I’ve talked about my own experiences before: riding a zip line, climbing a volcano, riding on the back of a moped. All things that required getting over the “I’m too fat” fear.
So how about you? What have you done that people might not expect a fat person to do? Have you ever been afraid to do something because of your body shape? Have you ever gotten past that fear? Is there anything you’re afraid to do right now? Anything we can help talk you into?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: BFD Classic, Fat Positive, Question
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I tap dance!
Two things I tried for the first time recently come to mind: Riding a wave runner and taking an autocross driving class. I felt “too fat,” but I did them anyway, and did just fine.
(See my web site for the goofy autocross video!)
:-)
It’s not much, but my recent purchase of a lovely, shiny pink bike is probably one of the greatest things I’ve done for myself lately.
I used to ride a bike all the time, and everywhere when I was a young un. It was one of my favorite things. It just made me happy. But as I got older, and gained weight, I just felt like people would laugh at my fat ass hanging over the seat.
But, lo and behold, needing a bike to get to class has renewed my love, and now I ride it everywhere, just for the fun of it. It’s so much better than walking, and all I can think is “If anyone is laughing, they’re just being sadistic, sad fucks because I’m having the time of my life.”
It’s a good thing.
Totally! I ran a triathlon, and I climbed an alpine tower this past year, two things you could have never convinced me two years ago I would be able to even think about “until I lose the weight.”
I was inspired to run the tri by a coworker who’s built like me. She basically said that waiting to lose the weight to get on with things you’ve always wanted to do was worthless. And then she confessed that somebody had to remind HER that. So I’ll pass it on.
Climbing the alpine tower was a totally different fear that I had to get past, because I was on a mother-daughter weekend trip with my 8 year old, and none of the other moms whose daughters wanted to do this chickened out, plus, I was the only mom amongst those who tried who was fat. And I had to work through my fear because my daughter was standing RIGHT THERE and failure would mean teaching her all sorts of things I didn’t want her to learn: that fat makes a difference, that it’s OK to give up, etc., etc., etc. The crucial part came at this convex point where I was literally stuck, and even though I had a belayer, there was still a big fear that I would fall, more from my inability to hold my 200+ pound body with my arms while I switched legs to navagate the climb better. I just sucked it in and I did it.
Do I even need to tell you the thrill of accomplishment/victory I had once I made it past that and got to the top?
I was scared that I would be ridiculed for being too fat when I ran/walked my first 5k marathon. But lo and behold, I managed to make others eat my dust – and I felt like I could conquer the friggin world.
Now, I feel too fat to go out in clubs dancing. I love to dance, but first of all, I feel like I currently have nothing to wear to go out in style. Second, I am sick and tired of going out with friends and watching while they get talked to by guys and I’m ignored. Gah.
“What have you done that people might not expect a fat person to do?”
I climbed up the trail leading to the Columbia ice field in Alberta. I took a lot of breaks along the way but I made it despite all the bewildered faces looking down on me as they passed by. It was beautiful!
Street hockey. My favorite position to play was goalie. I used to do it all the time about 10 years ago. I haven’t played in a while, though.
I was 5’3″ and 285 lbs when:
I had sex. on top. In full daylight. Without anything covering any part of my body. And no embarrassment for the way my belly hangs over, my dimpled thighs, or the shapes of my ample fat rolls. And didn’t crush him to death.
Too fat for sex? Honey, PLEASE!
I swim at the local gym, where I’m the only fattie, walk around town with my head held high in the daylight, and attended bellydance classes before they were cancelled due to lack of interest. If I ever get out of this small town, I’ll take that up again with hula classes to boot.
I also like having my picture taken and put pictures of myself, just as I am, on my fridge. Pictures that make me feel good about myself remind me that I deserve to be taken care of, so I end up taking good care of myself.
I was maid of honor for my 4’11” 90lb friend and didn’t overshadow her with my girth in the wedding photos. In fact, we look awesome together. My dress was flattering and utterly gorgeous.
Count me in as a fat bellydancer — I took two 6 week bellydancing classes at the local gym. I might have been the fattest girl in class, but I looked REALLY good shaking my hips along with the old ladies, the flat chested ladies, the short ladies, the tall athleticly built ladies, the tattooed lady and everyone else who might have been “normal” but were down with the Eastern Groove, yo. I took another class at a dance studio where we did VEIL DANCING. That’s some sexy stuff.
I also have sex with the lights on, this is me, I’m not fooling him, he knows he’s having sex with a fat girl. I am not ashamed of my body anymore. Sure, I’m fat, and I would like to lose weight and actively attempt to, but I’m not going to hate on myself for not looking the way I wish I could.
I kickbox. I ride in go-karts. I go on roller coasters even if I have to suck it WAY in for the safety bar to close over my boobs. I hike.
I’ve gotten up on stage in New York City at open mikes and have sung my original songs.
And to Karin, above — go clubbing! Hey, if you want to test the waters, I recommed going to a gay bar and dance there — not only will it totally not matter what your’e wearing, but you will get ust as much attention as your girlfriends — just rock it out there. I love to dance, and while my lifestyle doesn’t really include going out dancing anymore – I dance at weddings, office parties, Oktoberfests or whenever I get the chance. I love to dance. I would never deny myself that pleasure just because I am fat.
What I will not do? Tuck in my shirt.
I am definitely putting my life on hold. I used to love horseback riding, but now? Too fat. Also too poor. Poor is such a huge factor right now, though, that fat comes in second. I can’t afford anything, and if I can I’m too fat for it. Read: I can afford Danish, but that doesn’t make it okay.
I go to a very swanky hipster gym on Chicago’s North Side, where the tag line is “Look Better Naked”. I’ve been going regularly for well over a year, I remain the biggest person there and I rock the shit out of that joint.
I was determined from a very early age that I wasn’t going to not do something because I was fat. I went to all the dances in high school, I participated in plays/musicals and tons of other activities. I’ve traveled all over the place, often by myself. I’ve done a one-woman show.
The biggest fat-related fear I’m slowly working on overcoming? Dealing with the fellas. But last month I met someone and for the first time in a very, very long time, flirted quite jauntily with him. And he was sincerely receptive. And I didn’t wait until I was skinny…my 280-pound, 5’9″ let him know what was going on.
Things I do: take full advantage of my smarts (just graduated with honors from a great university). Perform on stage and in solo recital. Go dancing. Ask out the guys I’m interested in.
Needs improvement: gymming. Flirting with/getting to know guys I don’t already have some past experience with. And I know that no matter what size I am, I’ll always hate having my picture taken!
I recently rode a wave runner and when my friend and I couldn’t both get on I thought it was my fault for being so fat so I told him to leave me there, but then we found out I could get on, but he couldn’t, so it was the waverunners fault for being full of water. Then I went Parasailing this past summer. I had to go alone, because of the weight restrictions, but it was so worth it.
What have I done that is unexpected of a fat person?
Be happy. Confident. Successful. ;-)
You are all so inspirational. I hate to admit it, but I let my fat hold me back from doing nearly everything. I am an intelligent girl, I am funny, I love to dance and move my body, and so many other things, but I am afraid. Afraid to be ridiculed, and I have learned this feeling from experience. I first noticed it when I quit putting my hand up in class because my sleeve would fall exposing my fat arms, and someone commented on this. After that point I cut out tank tops, but I am proud to say that this year I wore them again in public! This is a step forward for me, something I am proud of.
Lexxy, I was paralyzed by fear when I was younger. I spent three wonderful years at University hiding behind sweatshirts and jeans and never going out unless some friend harassed me into it. I sat against the wall and avoided looking at people. I HATED my body.
After dropping out of University I began to realize how many opportunities I had missed to have fun, meet people, and develop the confidence I so desperately wanted.
After a year off, I went back to a community college. I refused to apologize for the way I looked or say anything bad about myself. It wasn’t easy. I was terrified every time I tried something new. However, I learned that trying is fun and the rewards are greater than the fear I had to struggle through to get them.
I still tremble when I’m walking through the gym towards the pool. I still think people are staring at my fat upper arms when I’m wearing camisole tops in the summer. I still hate the way people look at me when I have fast food the three or four times per year that I do (I usually don’t like it, but sometimes get a hankerin’.)
Then, I see the pictures of me having fun: confident, laughing, radiant.
Fight the fear one little battle at a time. You don’t have to be confident all at once. I started out doing little things when the opportunity arose, then built up to doing things every couple of weeks, weekly, now daily. I still fight battles against my fear, but it’s worth it every single time.
Also, you never have to prove anything to anybody. I’m generally a really quiet person. People say I’m shy, but I just know I don’t have to make small talk or participate in every conversation. When I’m in the mood to talk, I have no problem speaking my mind passionately or actively particpating in group conversation.
I only accept the challenges to do things I want to do, like dancing. I get teased for not going out and partying because it’s what most people do for fun around here. I don’t like noise and crowds. I’d rather go to a movie or take a class.
I wear baggy cotton clothes because they are comfortable. I only dress up on special occassions. I still feel sexy because I’m comfortable and confident. I tend to be a cute, accidental flirt, which goes along with my laidback style.
I didn’t learn any of that overnight. After I gained some confidence, I tried partying to see if I would like it. I hated the noise and the crowd. I felt claustrophobic, but not self-conscious or embarrassed. It just wasn’t for me.
After I gained some confidence I tried wearing more flattering clothes and different styles of flirting. The clothes were fun, but I’m just not interested in fashion. I’d rather go for walks and read books, so I choose clothes for function and comfort rather than style. I still admire women who love fashion because they always look so awesome, but I’m happy with the way I look.
If you decide to work at building confidence, be patient with yourself. Take good care of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for “failures”. It’s a process, not a graded exam. Nobody is keeping score. If you’re beginning to have increasing amounts of fun, you’re doing it right :)
I’ve been lurking around your site for a couple weeks, I really love it. :)
When I was in high school, my mom told me that she was glad I was fat because boys wouldn’t bother with me if I was fat. Through my college years, I’ve met and become friends with some wonderful guys. I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, but that may change now that I’ve started seminary. (insert devious laugh)
From a list I made in 2000, in the front of my food diary:
I want to wear hose and heels.
I want to ride a roller coaster again.
I want to fit in a theater seat.
I want to ride the motorcycle.
Sometimes it’s the little things we lose out on.
Baby steps, Lexxy. I totally understand and can relate to just how HUGE it probably was for you to wear a tank top. Keep taking those baby steps.
I still have my fears, but there’s nothing like pushing through them.
“Is there anything you’re afraid to do right now?”
Flirt.
I’m afraid to flirt, too.
Oh, no! Flirting is such fun. And girl, I know you can work it in that top you’re wearing, because, confidentially? You look GOOD.
(See, that was fun right there!)
Baring my belly for the first time in public–in a PARADE–almost killed me, back in the day. Now? Pff. I’ll bare my belly, in public, at your wedding, in front of your grandmother, just to show you my undulations, or perhaps to give you a visual as to where I store all my pasta. But the idea of wearing shorts still freezes me up, I have to say.
My hatred for my body used to hold me back for pretty much everything–when I was in high school, I dreaded walking to the front of the class…or, pretty much, walking anywhere. I was ashamed to be alive, and I thought losing weight would change that. Eventually, I had an eating disorder.
Even though my disordered eating ended years ago, the stress that my body and mind were put under taxed my body so much that when I eventually contracted the Epstein-Barr Virus two years ago, my body could not properly heal; I developed chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. Now, it is not my attitude that is holding me back, but actual physical limitations. I am in the process of healing and feel confident that one day I will fully recover, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If I had spent more time enjoying life and loving myself back then, I wouldn’t be in such pain now. Life is such a gift, and having these illnesses has taught me that over and over again. I have a fuller life now than I did when I was fully able!
Despite my bulging belly and flabby arms, yesterday I signed up for a ballet class. I thought about it for a very long time, and finally I told myself, ‘You know what? Who cares if I’m fat? That’s the whole reason I’m here: to get toned, to look and feel better about myself. If someone has a problem with it, then let THEM not come to class.’
Chubby ballerina, FTW!
I had a baby.
At 275 pounds I got pregnant accidently…
I’d wanted to wait until I lost my extra weight before I got pregnant.
I became a health nut…I walked and I changed my diet to more nurtritious fare (no soda or mixed coffee drinks)
Then I got gestational diabetes and had to change my diet even more…
I originally wanted to have a midwife assisted home birth…but because of my weight and diabetes I ended up having to switch to the more genaric hospital experience.
They said I was ‘high risk’ and told me to expect a cesarean (which I wanted to avoid).
On Oct 30th I eased into labor and without painkillers or surgery I delivered a little girl into the world without any complications.
…I was told later that they didn’t expect a woman of my size to have such a healthy pregnancy.
I told them that beneath all the softness I’m very strong.
Awww, good for you, Rae. That touches me, somehow.
Chiara, I really like your line about “where I store all my pasta.” Cute!
I bungee jumped this summer!