My Fathead Spouse
CNN has a story today about a woman who lost 110 pounds on Weight Watchers, going from a size 24 to a size 2. Congratulations to her on all her effort, but there’s one thing about the story that I find a little disturbing. (Aside from the fact that apparently it’s the beginning of a series on a whole bunch of people who have lost weight and their lives have completely changed! For the better! Because being fat is torture! And if they can do it we can all do it, America! Get skinny, beyotches!)
Twitchell says her ballooning weight was also wreaking havoc on her 31-year marriage. “We were literally just co-existing together, like roommates,” recalled Twitchell. “Friends asked my husband to e-mail them a picture of us. Later, I discovered that he had sent them an old photograph taken when I was much smaller. Even though he loved me, he was embarrassed at how much weight I had gained”…
“When I finally reached my goal (weight), my wedding ring was two sizes too big. I had already had it resized twice and the jeweler was hesitant that I might lose more weight. Rather than resize it, my husband bought me a new beautiful diamond ring and when he gave it to me he said this was a renewal of our wedding vows,” she recalled. Twitchell says her husband keeps telling people that he’s got his wife back.
Not to dredge up the whole “my fat spouse” argument again, but this guy kind of sounds like a dick, doesn’t he?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Weight Loss
The reader comments at the bottom make me want to poke my own eyes out.
I read that article this morning, and actually I didn’t think he sounded like a dick at all. I thought it was really sweet that her bought her a new wedding ring and they renewed their wedding vows! It’s the start of a whole new healthier life together for them!
I saw this and blogged about it also. Sounds to me as if he just divorced old fat Sharon and remarried the new thin Sharon.
Being blessed with a wonderful man who says he doesn’t care if I weigh 100 or 1,000 pounds, I guess I just take it for granted that you can be loved equally at all weights in your life, regardless of what you weigh.
I effing *hate* that crap. It’s on Nutri-system, too (I think). The woman says her husband jokingly calls her his trophy wife. It makes me *so* angry.
I saw this and blogged about it too.
Click on the “fit nation” at the top of the page and find the photo essay about the guy who’s family had an intervention and then PAID him to lose weight.
{also here: http://www.cnn.com/exchange/ireports/topics/forms/2007/01/weightloss.success.html
}
Lisa-marie – It’s a start to a new phase of their life, but one that holds a threat for her. Because what happens if, like 95% of all dieters, she regains and possibly adds additional weight to her frame. She will feel like she is to blame. He never lost his wife, she was there all the time.
Clearly such couples need a good therapist.
If what she looks like dictates his love for her, the weight she should have lost ought to have been the husband.
Bummer about how they’ll have to size the ring back up in a couple of years. I hope he didn’t get one of the ones you can’t resize. Though it would be symbolically appropriate, since apparently they don’t have a marriage that resizes well.
I’ve seen quotes in Weight Watchers success stories where there will be a “funny” paraphrase from the husband like “He says being with me is like cheating on his wife!” And I’m like, “That’s supposed to be a good thing?” So troubling.
Oh, and I never saw that “fat spouse” debate before… that anonymous dude was… interesting.
Now I have to go lie down and despair for the future of humanity again.
Ahhh, but he’s her dick.
I have seen stuff like this in so many places, advice columns, and stories online and in the newspaper it makes me sick. Anyone (man or woman) who would treat their spouse like crap (or ignore, abuse, not have sex with him/her) because they gained weight doesn’t REALLY love their spouse. Not as a person, not for WHO they are. If you loved me for who I am, you’d accept the fact that I gained weight, I didn’t become a different person, I am who I am – fat and all – and I always will be this person. My body and appearance doesn’t change who I am. She’s stupid for staying with him and not seeing who HE really is.
Shoot – even if you DO feel less attracted, you owe it to someone you love not to do stuff like digging out an old skinny pic of her when your friends ask you what she looks like.
Here’s one thing though…given that it takes two to tango, I’m sure Mr. Dick has received plenty of encouragement from his wife to do all this “I’ve got my wife back again!” crap. And if she felt so horrible about herself before, maybe it’s actually true that she is, personality-wise, more like the woman he married now than she was as a fat girl (now that she is feeling some self respect and confidence again).
All around, though, a sad situation.
“Here’s one thing though…given that it takes two to tango, I’m sure Mr. Dick has received plenty of encouragement from his wife to do all this “I’ve got my wife back again!” crap.”
Bingo.
I wonder frequently why we as a society continue to ride the “thinnest to please husband at any cost weight-loss-causing-illness-be-damned” unmerry-go-round.
The lay sociological analyst in me knows that it has something to do with men’s egos and perceived status, and then I remember it would all probably fall apart without women who’ve bought into that system continuing to enable it. Or feeling like they can’t fight it.
Oh, BTW, saddle up, ladies and gents.
Looks like this is the first one in the series (never mind that this is CNN and you’d think they’d cover other stuff like, oh, U.S. administratia who-shall-not-be-named attempting to dismantle the Constitution or something), so feel free to hunker down for the long haul.
Hmmm.
While I agree that I’d be wanting to hit my husband if he did that, it can also be a bit frustrating to get NO response to one’s hard-fought weightloss efforts (and I know what I’m talking about here). I can absolutely see a well-meaning guy making a rather inappropriate big deal of it because he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do.
Mind you, I can also see a husband not noticing that his wife no longer looked like the old photos.
Not condoning any of this, but it needn’t be DELIBERATE insensitivity.
I so want to punch that guy in the face.
It’s just like that commercial where the woman who lost weight giggles about her husband calling her his trophy wife now. I just want to shake her and tell her that’s not a compliment!
It’s sad, but that’s my life – I’m overweight and have gained more since we got married, and my husband is absolutely NOT happy about it and lets me know. At first I thought he was being a total dick and was really angry, but I guess I can understand it somewhat. It’s not like he’s leaving me for being fat, he’s just asking me to change something that bothers him (and, admittedly, me).
unrelated to this topic, but related to several other topics posted on this blog:
Joy Nash was interviewed on cnn for her fat rant:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2007/07/11/lanford.fat.rant.cnn
“After I watched this, you know what I said? That girl is phat. P-H-A-T.” – Eric Lanford
I read this earlier today and something else about it bothered me:
“…..She also bought an elliptical machine and a recumbent bicycle and started working out six days a week.
The pounds melted off.”
Pounds don’t melt off…it’s another one of those losing weight is so easy, you fat people just have no self-control things that bug me so much. Pounds don’t melt off. You consume fewer calories than you burn and that is not as easy as it sounds. I should know, since I’m doing it myself.
Argh, the whole just makes me livid and since this is my first response (I’ve been reading for a while) I should save up some of my vitriol ;-)
jules
I don’t think he sounds like a dick at all. I’m sure he loved his wife, despite the weight gain. When a spouse is significantly heavier, it truly impacts everything. Things that people don’t even think about. Some things are minor, some things are not. So, while it’s kind of shitty that he dug up old pictures of her because he was embarassed, he still loved her and stuck with her.
I see your point somewhat, but I don’t think anyone deserves a medal for “sticking with” a spouse who gains weight. You promise to stick with your spouse (presumably, through things much worse than weight gain… in my opinion a lot of this HORROR!! when one’s wife gains weight comes more from how the culture thinks men should respond than how they actually feel, and in reality does not have to be this big dramatic deal) when you make your wedding vows. I still think it’s largely his problem. But I absolutely agree that women buy into it. All of those quotes that make me so mad in the Weight Watchers profiles come from the women who lost weight, not the husbands themselves.
I kind of wonder if the photograph incident wasn’t actually more innocuous than many are interpreting it to be. I’ve noticed that when I have a longstanding relationship (and this applies to friends as well as romantic partners, and I think it also applies to a lot of people’s images of themselves), I tend to develop a long-term picture of them in my mind’s eye that may not necessarily jibe with reality. For example, when I was in college, my boyfriend at the time grew a beard, which I hated. One day, after about two months of beard, he showed up clean-shaven…and was irritated because I didn’t even notice! My mental picture of him had never incorporated the beard, so it just seemed normal to see him without it.
Similarly, if this man’s wife gained weight over time, his mental image of her may have been of her at a lower weight, so it would make sense that in looking for a photo of her, he would feel that the more recent photos didn’t represent what she “really” looked like. The wife interpreted this as her husband being embarrassed by her weight, but I don’t necessarily think that was the case.
1. Richer or poorer, sickness and health–but not thick or thin apparently.
Unless you consider that she’s now thin, but he seems as “thick” as ever.
2. I can’t help but wonder what her husband looks like. I’ve seen attitudes like his from men who felt that way no matter how much they had let themselves go, and they were stone blind to the double standard.
3. “If I can lose 110 pounds, anyone can,” says Twitchell.
“Bullshit”, says whyme63. “False logic”, she added.
I didn’t mean stick through it just because she gained weight. I mean because of all the things it affects that change people over time. Maybe they no longer have the same interests (physical activities because it’s harder for her to do) or other social outings that maybe she’s not comfortable with and now he doesn’t do them or he does them alone. I don’t know what sex is like with a heavier woman, but I know with a heavier man it’s quite prohibitive. So, it’s not just that he stuck by her, but that he dealt with all the changes that accompany a significant weight gain.
Obviously I am projecting my own feelings into this and because I’m on other side of it, I see it differently.
It’s one thing if something catastrophic happens (like a car wreck which results in paralization) because there’s nothing to be done except deal with it. But with a weight gain, it’s like watching someone you love choose to continuously hurt themselves, over and over. Then there’s going to be health problems (probably) at some point. And what can you do, except try to be there for them and hope they can figure a way out.
Honestly, I’m maintaining a weight loss right now and I absolutely could not have done it without the love of a man who could not give a SHIT what size I am. Every partner I’ve ever had who’s criticized my weight or rewarded me for weight loss or any crap like that… as soon as they pissed me off, I would binge eat like mad. Partly because binge eating masked my feelings, but partly JUST TO SPITE THEM.
To me… this guy sounds like an ass… I understand being moderately concerned if a spouse is risking health problems… but that kind of “I have my wife back” crap just pisses me off.
Exactly, thatgirljj. I am going on my fourth year of a sustained weight loss of more than a 100 pounds. I remember when, as a kid, my mom tried to put me on a diet. I ate more just to spite her.
I told Brandon straight-up that if my weight was an issue, I didn’t want to be involved with him. I’m hard enough on myself; I don’t need someone else haggling me either. Lucky for me, he fell in love with me and not just what I look like, fat or thin.
Meh…
I’m on the exact opposite of this spectrum…
My husband sort of sabatoges my attempts to lose weight…
but then, he got married to me at my heaviest, so I don’t know…maybe he’s afraid of me getting thin and changing.
La Wade said
it would make sense that in looking for a photo of her, he would feel that the more recent photos didn’t represent what she “really” looked like. The wife interpreted this as her husband being embarrassed by her weight, but I don’t necessarily think that was the case.
I will go one further and admit that if someone asked me for a picture of myself, I might not choose the most recent photo, but rather one that showed me looking (and feeling) what I thought of as my best. That is, one taken on a good hair day, without the double chin that appears when I smile a certain way, while I was sitting up straight and not hunching, and when I was dressed in something pretty and/or flattering. If a picture were taken during an emotionally difficult time, I’d probably reject it and pick one from a happier time.
Also, my favorite picture of my partner is this really goofy photo that was taken 6 years ago. He was really, really lean then (about 10 pounds difference). No wrinkles or laugh lines, no gray hairs. I don’t love the older, slightly less lean him any less, and I don’t go around wishing that he still looked like he did 6 years ago. I just really love that photo and think it captures an aspect of his personality that people otherwise might not see — in posed pictures, he comes off as kind of stern. This old photo is a record of why I think he’s so damn fabulous, and that’s why I might choose to show it to someone now.
But I agree that if the reason the man in question showed a thin photo of his wife because he was just plain ashamed, that sucks. It makes me sad for his wife and, in a way, sad for him (jerky though he may be).
I don’t know what sex is like with a heavier woman, but I know with a heavier man it’s quite prohibitive.
Umm, by “quite prohibitive,” do you mean “fucking awesome”? Cause that’s my experience with a heavier man.
Everyone is different.
Just want to point out that he never necessarily stopped LOVING this woman, just stopped being physically attracted to her, which is not something that anybody can necessarily control. While it is sad, unfortunate, shallow, whatever… I hesitate to completely write him off as a dick. I think that weight gain is hard for a lot of people — not just the person who gains the weight, but the people he/she interacts with. It’s not always entirely about the physicality either… I know that when I was overweight, I became less confident, less interested in life in general. I’m sure that was hard for my boyfriend.
I just don’t necessarily think it is fair to call him a dick because he stopped being physically attracted to somebody. I mean, how much can any of us really control that? Now, if he’d had an affair or left her or told her he’d leave her if she didn’t lose weight, that would be another story — then he’s TOTALLY a dick.
“Every partner I’ve ever had who’s criticized my weight or rewarded me for weight loss or any crap like that… as soon as they pissed me off, I would binge eat like mad. Partly because binge eating masked my feelings, but partly JUST TO SPITE THEM.”
thatgirljj, I am with you on this. That is such a trigger for me, for anyone else to try and control what I eat or “reward” me for losing weight.
I think that it’s a complicated issue and everyone has made really interesting points. I agree that it’s not as easy as labeling him “a dick” and moving on.
Thats a pretty intense weight loss. I am trying to think if thats even humanly possible for moi! HA. I think my bones are bigger than a size 2 – so thats not going to happen. :) Great blog and thanks for sharing – very interesting.
Society values attractiveness, not brains or personality. Survival of the fittest (hottest). You guys need to just get over it.
And you need to get over yourself. Society needs to value brains and personality because in the long run beauty doesn’t last.
In college I had a boyfriend who told me that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore because of a slight weight gain after I had knee surgery (I was 15 lbs lighter than I am now). He was promptly booted from my apartment and I never looked back. By contrast my husband has loved me thick and thin, and has never stopped worshiping me like a goddess in the bedroom no matter my size. I think if your man does not find the beauty and sexuality in you regardless of your package then he is not really in love with you and we all deserve much better than that.
While the picture thing was a low blow, I don’t think the comment itself about regaining his wife was something offensive. I’ve just lost 35 pounds and it’s made a huge difference on my self esteem and mood. Honestly, I wasn’t happy at a heavier weight… I felt self-concious or just plain uncomfortable in clothes. I became a little more reclusive and didn’t go to social events as much as I had previously. Obviously this is indicative of other problems, self-conciousness, the portrayal of heavier people, the shame put on heavier people etc. As soon as I lost the weight, though, I reverted back to past behavior. I am far more happy and social. In this case, we don’t know the whole story. Maybe now that the wife has lost weight she is more out-going and has a more positive attitude and energy. That’s at least what happened to me.
if you are bitching about this my fat spouse.com it means your a fat Dick yourself. You are turning your insecurity and inablity to loose wieght into anger and blaming someone else. The facts are out type 2 Diabetes heart disease poor sex life and a poor quality of life over all. A fat spouse will die earlier than a thin healthy one wich is not fair to you or your children, or to thier grandchildren. Have you ever seen a child or grandchild loose someone they were close to because of heart disease and diabetes. Its not fun to watch or go through. you wouldnt let your spouce drive drunk would you or play russian roulette oh but telling them they are fat and repulsive and selfish is nit very nice. Well if you are that much of a jerk that you are afraid to tell them and you let them keep on you desreve to have them taken from you 20 years early. Think about it Do you want to live the last 20 years of life without a spouce… Now who is the Dick
Uggh. Some of these comments are making me barf! I think the horrible truth is: if thin women knew how many men were only with them for their body size, they would be truly horrified. And they should be. There is no reason why this couple couldn’t get it on when the wife was fat. No reason they had to live like “brother and sister” instead of like two lovers. The guy is obviously a dick and the woman is lame for thinking that all she is worth is how much she doesn’t weigh. This just reinforces my opinion that all people should be fat just to see how cowardly and insecure people really are.
Hey, I am with my old sweetheart from when i was thirteen, he is now 39, and yes in high school he was absolutely HOT!! Now he has gained weight and gray hair and lost some hair to he has wrinkles and truth be known he looks quite different…but when i look at him I see that boy that I fell in love with 26 years ago, and I just reconnected with him after twenty years…I love him and it doesn’t matter how he looks or what my friends say cause he still is the same to me i can’t even imagine not being attacted to him…he is still the same guy there is just more of him to love now…
I’m 40 lbs overweight and single atm. I honestly wouldn’t expect a guy who married me at a smaller size to still be physically attracted to me if I gained 100 lbs. Just with this extra 0 lbs, there are so many things I can’t do as easily as when I weighed 40 lbs less and I’m not just talking about sex. It’s all congregated around my tummy and with heart disease in my family, I’m losing the weight and not taking any chances.
Anyway, I don’t think this guy is a dick. He married a woman who was in shape and then she gained 100 + lbs. I’d react the same way as him.
Hey it is over a year later and my sweetheart and i are still together and i still love him just as i did 27 years ago….like i said a little more of him to love. that’s the key love is blind it has no eyes…if you love someon you just do..and i love my man with all my heart..when we are together i feel like i am 13 again….