Okay To Cheat: His Wife Is Fat
Reader Erica almost choked on her morning coffee reading this letter to Annie the advice columnist today. A woman has fallen in love with her running partner, and wants to know if she should say something to him.
During the meal, I asked why his wife isn’t at any of our runs. He confided that his wife is extremely obese and not into fitness. He also admitted that he would love to have her companionship when running, biking and going on motorcycle rides. A couple of weeks ago, I ran into Dane and his wife in a department store, and he was right. She is huge. I’m guessing she weighs close to 300 pounds. He didn’t say it, but I suspect he’s not in a happy marriage.
Now I have no way of knowing whether this guy’s marriage is happy or not. But the assumption that it’s not, simply because his wife is obese, and therefore it’s okay to pursue him, is pretty damned shady. Luckily, here’s Annie’s answer:
You do not have the right to break up a marriage because someone’s wife is obese. If you want a man in your life, find one who is available. If Dane wants to cheat on his wife, he will let you know, but we strongly urge you not to encourage him, or more than your running shoes will be covered in dirt.
Ugh!
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No, he didn’t say he’s in an unhappy marriage. In fact, he admitted that he loves his wife by telling her that he would love to have her companionship in activities he enjoys.
This woman needs to get a clue.
Dane doesn’t have a clue how I feel about him. I’ve flirted with him, but he doesn’t seem to notice
Maybe because he’s not looking for someone to cheat with because he might *GASP* love his wife despite her fat?
Man, I’m glad my husband’s not in any running clubs.
Why people think a man is unhappy just because his wife is fat? This shallow behaviour is soh horrible.
A relationship is much more than body size.
In time: i´m fat, and my wife too.
PS: sorry any misunderstood, my english is not so good. :)
I’m interested in the pejorative use of the word admitted. He ‘admitted’ that he would like to have his wife’s company.
That’s quite a confession! I would like to admit that I like sunshine and rainbows and puppies. Don’t tell anyone.
In reading that whole letter, it sure sounds like he’s in love with his wife – he never said he was unhappy (she just assumed it for whatever reason), he ignores this hussy’s come-ons and told her he wished his wife would join him in various physical activities. Sounds like he just misses his wife’s company and would like to spend more time with her; doesn’t really sound like a candidate for an affair.
Thank God it’s still at all up in the air (to some people, thankfully not the advice columnist) that all bets/marriage vows are off when a person’s spouse is a “huge” person of “almost 300 pounds.” What kind of logic is that? I was “almost 300 pounds” in the very recent past and I’ve been married for 9 years. I bet my very devoted husband (who is outwardly much more “fit” than me to boot) would have been pretty surprised to hear that it’s OK to cheat on me because he couldn’t be expected to stay faithful to such a fat cow.
Dude, he’s not “getting” your flirting because he’s happily married and not a cheater. You’re probably not even on his radar screen, other than as that friendly or maybe slightly annoying lady who always seems to be hanging out with him at running club. Get a clue.
I realize most sane people aren’t going to think this writer has any kind of case, but it’s still disturbing to me that somebody is thinking this way. On the other hand, it makes me sort of darkly happy that she’ll probably continue to go through life flirting with married men, totally in the dark as to why none of them are taking the bait from somebody as awesome and thin as she is. I mean, the choice is obvious, right?
Okay – so the guy has a female running partner with whom he seems to have discussed his wife (in a non-pejorative way) at great length. What that says to me is that he possibly has an unusually GOOD marriage (i.e. not married to a woman who feels so insecure in his love that she won’t let him have female friends).
This makes me think of my brother-in-law, a very handsome dude who has lots of female friends but who has been completely devoted to my sister for over 20 years. It *is* possible for a man to really enjoy your company/companionship without wanting to have sex with you.
That running woman? Appears to be a textbook patriarchal apologist with an acute case of Stockholm Syndrome.
“therefore it’s okay to pursue him, is pretty damned shady”
Unbelievable. Just ICK!
It’s obvious to me that the woman who wrote that letter is a narcissist. Why else would she think that this guy would be interested in her simply because she’s fit and his wife is fat? The warped minds of some people scare me.
She clearly needs to get a reality check. What the hell made her think that he’d want her when he’s probably happy with his wife? And what makes her think cheating is okay? Lord, some people just make me want to smack them upside the head.
This nutty woman is off her rocker. Why would she want a man that would cheat on his wife? Maybe she has a good reason for being big?
There are fit people out there and they really are willing to seduce your men and women. I’ve seen them hit on my man left and right, and bless his heart he ignores them to a large extent.
I know my man loves me, but I know he is very attracted to fit women that can do more than I can. Luckily, he is loving and supportive and helping me overcome my sugar addiction. I was eating 5000 calories a day at one point due to depression and the weight just packed on. He’s sticking by me and helping me get healthy and doesn’t expect me to look like a methaddicted magazine model. Thank god cause I would rather leave him than live up to an impossible standard.
But I also know that if I wasn’t trying to take care of my health (I am prediabetic and have high cholesterol and blood pressure made worse by my eating habits and lack of exercise) that there’d be a legitimate reason for him to find someone else… not just because some 40 year old thought she could snag him.
After reading this article I spoke with him and his response was this:
“Honey, overweight we can fix TOGETHER… but I simply can’t fix the other problems with people in this world. You can fix being unhealthily overweight, but you can’t fix stupid, ignorant, mean spirited, selfish, narcissitic, irresponsible or bitchy.”
I’m glad he’s got his priorities straight. He also promised not to leave me for a woman in her 40’s who couldn’t make her first marriage work and thought she could steal a better man than she deserved.
And the commenters at Annie’s disagree with her take and are total asses to boot. If you enjoy frothing at the mouth, I suggest you head over there.
“I often to troll the fat acceptance boards for interesting tid bits and stories, for this board. The “pro fat” fascists have all the time to do the research for me, since there are thousands of them, and many are on disability sitting on their butts all day.”
Hey leave the woman alone. She was attracted to the guy before she realized that his wife was obese. After she discovered that his wife was obese doesn’t really change anything. It doesn’t make the situation right or wrong.
What if you do have a husband who won’t have sex with your because you are fat? that he constantly says “you eat like a pig”, he admits to “loving you” but not being physically attracted to you and going to the extent of satisfying himself while viewing porn on the internet?
Well, either a good therapist or divorce. I promise you that you deserve better than this.
Wow, I think this man’s wife sounds like a selfish pig.He obviously cares about her enough to have sex with her jelly rolls, and she can’t even roll off of her fat butt to do some of the things that he enjoys doing.Marriage is all about compromise, and she is definitely not contributing anything to it.I mean it is not sexy when you can’t differentiate between a woman’s stomach and her vagina.Nor is it sexy when it looks like a woman has an ass on the front where her vagina should be. It is disgusting. Contrary to what some of you people may believe, being fat is not beautiful, and it is definitely not healthy!Is it going to be very fun when you have a ton of bed sores and you haven’t left your house for 7 years because you are so unbelievably huge?I honestly think it would be quite embarrassing when the authorities have to break down your wall just to get your ass to a hospital… I am against cheating on spouses, but this man should leave his wife for someone who has some of the same interests as him.I can definitely see where the other woman is coming from.I would never be happy if my bf went from 180 to 400 lbs, AND I LOVE him.I would worry constantly for his health, and it would probably gross me out to have sex with a blob.PPL if your spouses really loved you and wanted you around than they would tell you to put down the donuts, and hop on a treadmill so they could have you around for longer than what they would have if you kept the same lifestyle.Goodness,I’ve never seen so many misguided comments.
I am in the same situation and I am a runner as well. I have had women come on to me and I wanted to have a relationship so bad that I couldn’t stand it. My wife all the time and lots of junk too. I am so bored with my life that my only form of entertainment with her is watching a movie, eating junk, and having a drink. We never go out she cannot help around the yard. She very rarely make meals, and she can’t walk very far because her feet hurt. We have nothing in common anymore.
I an a marathon runner, weight trainer, involved in judo and alaround love fitness. Ihate my life, so I have become a workaholic. If someone were to take an interest in me, and they knew I was married I might say yes, even though it is not the right thing to do. If you asked the guy I don’t know if he would go or not, but he might.
I have three beautiful children and they are very great kids. They are all frustrted with their moms behavior but they are at a loss when it comes to helping her. They have basically given up, and I guess I have too. If I were to fool around on my wife, or leave her it would be financial suicide. She reminds me of that often. I thik it is her way of saying ” hey buster I am not going to do anything about my weight, and if you are thinking of leaving me, then be prepared to pay.
So what do I think about you asking him out, it could be a disaster for him and possibly you. However he might not resist.
Well this is not going to sound nice, but I am a fit, educated professional man in my early 40s and most all my friends are in pretty good shape too. First off in most men’s opinions love and sex are 2 different things, and yes I know most women do not believe this or understand this, and no we will not admit this to our wife’s cause it hurts their feelings and creates undo problems in a marriage. Women think differently from men in this area and they refuse to admit this. They want to think men feel like they do, let me tell you men see sex as a completely different thing than love. I love my wife but if I can have sex with an attractive women and get away with I will, and all the men i know are the same way, we all talk about it everyday. I can already hear all the women saying I am a pig and that their man is not like that. Yes they will. Sad as it may sound to you women, it is a solid complete fact. Sorry to tell all you the cold hard truth, but it is the truth and you can continue to lie to yourself if you want.
So now back to love and overweight wives. My wife used to be very fit and active, now she is overweight and is not doing much about it. I do not like to take her to the lake or go to social events with her. I do not like to take her to meet new people I work with. I do not like to climb a mountain to have sex. I do not look at her and get turned on. I do not want to try to be romantic with her in hopes of a fun night.
I tend to be less respectful to her. I tend to care less about what she thinks. I tend to care less about trying to keep our marriage together, because I can get a fat girl anywhere. This all sounds mean, selfish and cruel, but it is still the truth and still the way most men think. If my wife was still the sexy hot wife I married I would probably be less likely to let myself get into a situation that would allow me to cheat. Because a wife like that is harder to get. And yes I want a wife that is smart and fun and one that I think about and miss when I am not around her. Remember everyone wants a full package with it all, no one wants to settle for less
I’ve stumbled upon this site while looking for some advice, and although it sounds mean or sad to some- relationships should mean that each puts out some effort to look half as good as when one another met. I’ve been with my guy for many years now. I consider him my best friend, and I do love him very much. It’s just that he’s put on quite a large belly and a round face that’s it’s affected the sexual attraction we once had. His stamina has dropped a lot, and since I think he is also self-concious about his looks also, his libido seems lacking. I’m worried about his high blood pressure which he stopped treating, and his heart. I work to buy and cook healthy foods and invite him to take walks or do anything active with me. Here and there I have mentioned/hinted if he could go light on the sodas, chips, pizza, and beer…and that I want him to be with me a long, long time. I expect a little pudge as we get older, but I still want to put my arms around the one I love.
my husband married me fat, we were married for three years and i think i gained 5 pounds total (birth control) which made me go up a size (damned hips). He comes home one saturday from work and says he doesnt love me anymore. After beating around the bush for a few weeks he says its because of my weight and that he was never attracted to me to begin with. Would have been nice to know that before I moved 3000 miles to be with him and marry him.
oh, and he was cheating on me to. It does happen. And I wonder what I can do to him legally I mean divorcing me because i’m FAT is not a valid excuse.
You never know, maybe he’s into fat women? I was on the chubby side when my husband and I met, but he confessed he would like me to gain weight. Since I love to eat, that was easy. Now I weigh about 300 pounds, like your friend’s wife, but my husband loves me the way I am and we’re both very happy. You might think this funny, but I like slim men so I told him when he was getting fat and he lost the weight! I know friends and family make comments about our opposite shapes and my mom give me a hard time about getting so big, but to each their own and we’re happy this way. My only regret is not being able to fit in movie theatre seats but I just wait for them to come out on DVD! lol
I came across this site trying to figure out what to do. My fiance of two years (together a total of 5) and just ran into a brick wall. I love him very much (and am 5 mos. pregnant) and he says he loves me. However, I recently found ads for personal ‘massages’ and adult entertainment on him. I asked him about them and he lied-using the stuff on the back of the ads as excuses, until one day there was nothing on the back. I told him that it was never to happen again, or he would leave. This was before I found out I was pregnant. Now, he knows and I’ve found them again. I know sex is a BIG part of his life. I knew it when I met him and I know it now. He has a HUGE collection of porn that was around before me and I have never asked him to get rid of them, I don’t mind them at all. We’ll go out and I see him look at every pretty girl that passes and denies it when he gets ‘caught’. I have given him every opportunity to leave and he often threatens it but stays. I make more money than he does and maybe that’s why he stays, he couldn’t make it on his own. I’ve told him if that’s the reason, then fine, he can be a roommate until he gets situated but to get out of my bed. He says that’s not the reason. I met him on a dating service while he was in the military. It was a long distance relationship that he pursued long before we physically met. I was just looking for a friend but it became more. I never lied about what I looked like and often told him I wasn’t the ‘Barbie’ doll type. He said looks didn’t matter to him, it was what was inside. LOL! I’m not ugly, and I’ve never had a problem with dating and get pursued often, however, I love him. Most if not all of my exes were attractive fit people. I’m 5’10 and 250pds but proportioned well. He knew this before he got here. He recieved pictures before he got here. Months before, I asked what he wanted and he told me ‘for you to be mine’. He said he loved me. For months we were a couple and he said he wanted to marry me. He came here to be with me for two weeks. The first night he got here, we had sex. The time with him was great, and 8 days after getting here, he bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. For his birthday I gave him a ring and told him the significance of the symbol on it, The Alpha Omega, the first and last. He would be my first true love and my last. We spoke about splitting up before and he said that if we ever split that he would never attempt falling in love with anyone again and would just remain alone. I learned a few days after getting engaged that he would text with another women and learned the nature of the texts. They were all sexual. When I confronted him didn’t tell me the truth but tried to tell me that it wasn’t him, but friends he’d loan his phone to. PLEASE! These texts were telling this woman that he had just gotten engaged. I let it go. Then I would find that he was surfing personals. He would always deny and I would let things go. What do you do when you love someone?
Here we are at the brick wall. A couple of days ago, the ads started to show up again. I asked him about them and where he usually gets defensive and says ‘nothing’…’why does it matter?’ or just doens’t say anything and then threatens to leave and won’t let me touch him while i’m crying —this time, he just sat there, while I held his hand and asked him what was going on. This time aside from the ads, there were phone numbers on a little piece of tape on his wallet (he never lets me look in there). I found them one night while trying to slip some money INTO his wallet for gas (he never accepts anything from me)…I saw them, they had no name, so I called and a woman answered. She hung up on me saying that I should call back at 8 am (it was 2am and our unborn child had just woken me up for the 3rd time to take a trip to the bathroom). I came back and woke him up and confronted him. He just sat there and listened and said he was tired of the fights and arguements of which I reminded him there had been any lately (the last one was Sat before Easter and he started it –because he thought I had seen him look at someone) and that he was always the start of the fights. These fights were always because I found out something new. He was texting someone, searching personals, had belonged to dating services while we were together and engaged. It always made me cry when he get like that and he would make his threats. This time he just sat there and listened to me…this time I didn’t cry, I just asked for answers (which he wouldn’t give me) — then I told him — ‘notice how you haven’t threated to leave or move away from me? Notice how I am not crying? Do you know why I’m not crying? Because you stop crying when you stop caring. He just looked at me and I told him, this would be the LAST time. I told him he always says, ‘Maybe I should just pack my stuff and leave’. This time he just looked at me when I told him ‘Next time you won’t have to pack your stuff.’ I asked him if he understood and he said annoyed, ‘yes’. I told him the subject was dead and I would never bring it back up.
We went to bed and I let it go. Or so I thought. I spent the next day thinking about what happened and I couldn’t figure it out. I let it go until the baby woke me up…and when I got back into the room, i began to cry and he woke up asking me ‘Why I was crying.’ I told him, ‘I didn’t know what I was doing.’ That I was horrified at the thought of bringing up a child alone and didn’t know what to do. He just looked at me and began to get upset. I told him everything and let him know that I couldn’t get over yesterday because I had asked him before to stop, he said ‘okay’ and was still doing it. We went through it all and I asked him, how he could love someone and want to be with someone but still think it was okay to go out and have sex with someone else. He looked at me and said ‘you think that it’s going to be like i’m going to take off with them and be with them forever.’ I asked if he thought it was okay to do that and he said he didn’t know. I told him he did and he said that he didn’t. I told him it wasn’t okay.
He knew what I was before he told me he loved me. He knew what I was before he physically met me. He knew what I was when he first slept with me. He knew what I was when he asked me to marry him. He knew what I was and still came back to me.
I know what I have to do. I just don’t know how.
Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been through a similar situation, and it took the woman he cheated on me with cheerfully and gleefully telling me all the things I did to “ruin” my own relationship with my husband to leave him for good. (With no place to go, no job, no money, and two kids.)
It scared the ever living shit out of me to do so.
But my life is so much better now. I finally got my self esteem back, and realize just how bad it was. What he is doing to you is abuse, and you think about what that baby of yours is going to go through if you stay…That’s how I found my courage when things got tough. You will never be as alone as you are now….please keep you and your kid safe. You don’t deserve this rape of your self esteem, especially when you’re pregnant.
Honey, it’s simple:
1) Tell him to get out and give him a deadline – a SHORT one, like 72 hours.
2) If he doesn’t leave, change the locks.
3) Do something frivolous for yourself: a spa day, a wild baby-stuff shopping trip, whatever, to celebrate getting rid of this putz.
4) When you come across a guy with a “huge collection of porn”, DUMP THE DUDE! Unless he’s a sociology prof or a shrink, he’s most likely more interested in his collection than he is in a real, live girl.
5) Remember, your first reponsibility is to YOU and your baby. YOUR welfare is important – let Mr. Jerk figure out his own life & stay out of yours.
6) Somewhere out there could be a really great guy; if it’s meant to happen, you WILL find him!
I read the original post, and my first thought is, sweetie, this has nothing to do with you, really. It’s his problem, which only becomes your problem because his behavior affects you. Nothing about you, whether your appearance or something you did, brought this on. This is in his head, and will only get fixed if he wants it to and is willing to seek help.
I actually just discovered a couple weeks ago that my sister’s husband has had a sexual addition for years. She stayed with him because she didn’t want their kids to be without their father, and didn’t want to be a single parent. It slowly tore their relationship apart, and now reached the point where she is worried that he might in a moment of extreme weakness harm their daughter. As difficult as going it alone would have been, she would have saved herself immeasurable pain and frustration if she’d done this a long time ago. Don’t put yourself through the years of agony that she did – only he can change himself, and right now it sounds like he’s not going to.
My advice is to tell him that you love him and want him in your life but not until he’s ready to commit completely to you. Either he seeks help about this or he goes. Even if he’s not ready to acknowledge that he has a problem, see if he’ll at least talk to someone about it. A counselor who is experienced with issues of infidelity would be ideal. There are also support groups that could help both you and him.
Above all, do not marry him until you are completely certain that you will be happy with him for the rest of your life. Being a single parent is extremely hard, but you’ll never find happiness if you go on like this. Happiness is not too much to expect, and is exactly what you deserve.
(Doh, scratch that bit about “I read the original post”. I initially was going to reply to the today’s blog post instead of here. I’m talking to Hatesherself here.)
Oh my friend how I feel for you. I’ve been there-done that-and more. In 2000 I packed up my 3 small children, our clothes and their toys into a U-Haul and went halfway across the country to my hometown, leaving my husband of 15 years behind. I had no money, no job and not even a vehicle.
I was first going to leave him 6 months after we married but found I was pregnant-I was terrified of trying to raise a child on my own so I stayed, even though I found myself accompanying him to paternity court while 8 months pregnant while he denied paternity of a child fathered with a 19 yr old (he was 40) and the baby looked EXACTLY like his older daughter-needless to say it was his. I found out on my daughter’s first birthday I was pregnant with twins so I stayed…again.
But finally, enough was just enough. They do not change. They lie…continually-as if we were too stupid to see through it-and our intuition is almost always right..and it really has nothing to do with you. You haven’t done anything wrong and there is NOTHING wrong with YOU-it’s all on him. It was scarier than anything in my life to leave, but I found a place, got a job and was never happier in my life. My kids were happy and stopped having nightmares and sleepwalking. After a few years I found someone and we married and he has been not only a good and faithful husband, but a great dad to my kids.
It’s been almost 10 years now and while there were some rough patches I do not regret for a moment what I did. My ex has gone through several relationships in those 10 years. I’ve met all the women he dated (because of child visits) and some were very nice. But they have all dumped him at some point-usually after a few months, because HE HAS NOT CHANGED ONE BIT.
You can take care of your baby just fine by yourself. You can take care of yourself just fine. You both deserve the love of someone worthy. Do not settle for less. Change the locks NOW and send him packing. You will get through this and after grieving the loss of loving him, you will feel relief and you WILL be happy again.
I wish you all the luck and love in the world and believe in you.
I just want you to know that you will be so much happier without that jerk in your life.
Let me tell you my story:
For years, I have been put down for my weight. I was constantly depressed, once to the point of not wanting to make it through what should have been a relatively minor sickness. I finally found a group of friends that accepted me for who I am, and I started to get a little more self esteem. After two years, one of those friends became more. We started dating, and I fell completely head over heels. I’ll admit to this day I still love him (the him that I was originally dating). He loved me the way I was, told me so often. And I began to believe that I was beautiful, that I was a sexy strong woman. We started talking about wedding rings and baby names. I loved him with all my heart and soul.
And one day he told me he had cheated on me. The fool that I was believed him when he said it was the one and only time, that it would never happen again, that it was a mistake and he loved me. I forgave him. And it happened again. And again. He went through some tough things in his life, with the death of a family member, and for a while I used that to excuse his behavior, though it happened before and after. No more. He treated me horribly. He called me names, insulted me, made fun of me, and all I did was support him. He would use me, hurt me, and refuse to call me when I was away for any reason. I cried every day. I even started cutting my legs, simply because the pain reminded me I was still alive.
Finally, I made a stand. I said that enough was enough. I removed myself from that situation, permanently. That was two years ago.
I won’t lie and say I wasn’t miserable and depressed and sad at first. But then I got a haircut (one I knew he wouldn’t like) and bought new clothes, and made new friends and got on with my life. And now I can look at him, and think of him, and remember what we had without crying, and I can truly say I am better off now.
I’ll admit that I would love having our relationship back, if it could stay the way it was when we were good. But I’ve faced the truth, and stopped hanging onto coulda-shoulda-wouldas.
You WILL get over him. You WILL move on. You WILL be happy, and smile, and laugh, and love again.
You just have to take the first step.
Wow!! I gained weight after have hyesterectomy and had my ovaries removed, I Have had many surguries but the last two, I have gained weight,am 5’0and I weight 180lbs and my husband who is 6’4 and weighs 210lbs. He wont make love to me because he is not attracted to me because I have gained weight. So being fat is making me feel sad and I am trying to loss weight by excersing and eating right but I have no succeed in lossing any weight. I even joined to walk 60 km in two day and walk 10 km every other day please help me. By the way I am in a common law relationship for 10 years now. He say he loves me but not my body because its fat. What to do I miss mot being able to make love.