Losing Weight Is Hard
And if you don’t believe that, you should read this essay, which details the level of commitment it takes to lose weight and keep it off. From someone who has been there.
That kind of willpower is not something that comes overnight, and the fortitude to do it long term, for life, is not something that very many people have at all. I’m not sure I have it… If it’s easy, then the only reason not to do it is laziness. But it isn’t easy. It’s really hard…
I hope you’ll appreciate that for the vast majority of people becoming truly healthy is no mean feat, and that basing your assumptions about heavy people on the opinion that it is easy does neither them nor you any credit whatsoever.
I think the line that struck me the most in this essay was that it’s not as simple as “saying yes to exercise or no to a cookie.” When people dismiss the overweight with “oh, just put down the cake and get off your ass” that’s exactly what they’re saying. It’s not all or nothing, by any means. It’s certainly worth being as healthy as you can. But it is hard, at any size. And it’s important to acknowledge that, don’t you think?
Thanks to Laurie for the link!
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Exercise, Weight Loss
In 2003, I lost 175 pounds (due in large part to an eating disorder). A subsequent year’s bout with severe depression and COE led me to regain about 50 of those pounds.
You see, it’s not just correcting a problem. It’s correcting a lifestyle.
The writer is exactly dead-on. My experiences have taught me that only a permanent change to one’s diet and lifestyle is the only way to sustained weight loss and good health (not that the two are necessarily synonymous). For all many people, diets are seen as a temporary fix whereupon, after becoming “skinny,” you can resume your old eating habits.
And people, notoriously women, are so vicious when a member of the pack pulls ahead and starts to lose weight. My own mother was competitive with me re: weight loss, in a not so nice and constructive way. Even my family would make fun of the things I ate or would not eat. It’s taken years for them to accept I’m vegetarian, and my siblings still crack jokes and try to covertly slip meat into dishes I eat.
Naamah writes about this really well – as she does about a TON of things.
Rachel – You mention your mother being unhealthily competitive about weight loss but your own language frames it as a competition – “pulling ahead of the pack.” While I think it is fantastic that people pursue body autonomy and do whatever they wish with their bodies, I do NOT believe that a thin person is automatically “winning” over a fat person.
One of the things that has always struck me about Naamah’s essay is that if a person showed that sort of determination with anything else, they would be considered obsessed. Interesting that it is applauded when obsession is applied to weight loss.
Neither do I, Rotund. I meant that satirically.
Yeah, while I can relate to a lot of this, I can’t quite abide by the if-you’re-not-miserable-you’re-not working-hard-enough kind of talk that comes though at times. I’ve made a lot of significant changes in the past year, and while I’ll be the first to say it’s not easy, I’m of the opinion that it should get maybe a little easier as your priorities shift.
But it’s funny, I haven’t really encountered the folks who assume this stuff is easy–the people I deal with (friends and family and coworkers) are the ones who marvel that I’m working so HARD, and gosh, it sure must be HARD to do all that stuff, and they’d love to do it too if only it wasn’t all so HARD, and isn’t it HARD to be doing something so HARD? And at first I was trying to assure them that, well, you know, I’m getting used to it! I’m actually kind of into it, in fact! and so on. And then I realized that they really didn’t want to hear that…
Glad to hear it, Rachel.
I just couldn’t live like the woman in the essay. When I started out I counted calories, obsessed over portion sizes, and worried about whether or not that piece of cake will make me gain.
Finally I had to stop. It’s postively maddening. Not to mention that I felt I was fighting my body rather than working with it. Losing weight was definitely hard and tiring during that phase. It got a lot easier when I decided to focus on health rather than numbers.
My motto is simple: eat for nutrition and exercise for fitness. Your body will eventually settle to where it’s supposed to be. And of course I eat junk food in moderation. Life sucks when you can’t enjoy the pleasure of good food. Egg white omelets?! Ewww.
In total I’ve lost 60 pounds, but to be honest I’ve derived more benefit from exercising and a diet change than from weight loss. Needless to say I don’t care for the weight loss Pollyannas who think that losing weight cures all ills. Funny you never see them mention things like hair loss, screwy hormones, and the chafing loose skin that can come with losing weight. Personally I’ve had all three and I’m sure there are other things out there.
I just think that worrying about weight sucks all of the joy out of life. In my view, being able to do something I once thought was impossible (like being able to easily run a mile) is far more rewarding than wearing a smaller clothing size. Too many years were wasted because I beat myself up trying to turn a naturally plus-sized body into a supermodel’s tiny frame. Never again.
Losing weight IS hard which is why the diet industry is reaping big profits. But what’s harder is accepting your body and working on your problem areas. It takes a lot of courage to make your life better.
Thanks for the link!
“My motto is simple: eat for nutrition and exercise for fitness. Your body will eventually settle to where it’s supposed to be. And of course I eat junk food in moderation. Life sucks when you can’t enjoy the pleasure of good food.”
AMEN to that!
I also believe in finding a workout that is FUN. It has been my experience that if I don’t enjoy it, I’m not going to stick with it. My friend and I started meeting up at 6:30am to work out. We start off with a lap around the field (he runs, I speed walk) and then we do really goofy things like walk backwards and chase each other around. This results in us getting some sun (vitamin D) and plenty of belly laughter (it is documented that a good laugh burns about 8 calories; I could have that number wrong, though:D).
I think the idea of problem areas is another one fed to us by that diet industry, Neel. While I won’t ever tell someone not to diet because I believe whole-heartedly in body autonomy, I want to tell you that it is just as hard to accept your body and stop hating yourself because you don’t fit whatever idealized image of beauty society is pursuing at the moment.
Apparently for some of us, our comments are our problem areas.
Jacque, I’m with you. The most chilling line in that essay to me is one that I found to be totally true while dieting: it’s a part-time job. And if I’m going to spend 20 hours a week making a concentrated effort toward a goal, I want to love it and/or get paid for it. Dieting didn’t fall into either category for me.
Wendy, are people referring more to the eating or to the exercising that you’re doing? I can imagine some people saying “it’s hard” because for them it would be nearly impossible to give up, say, bacon. And they don’t want to contemplate such a horror.
Thanks, Wendy, for apparently trying to undercut a viewpoint that isn’t all yay, dieting. Because I really do support that other people want to lose weight and have made that choice. That is FANTASTIC for them. But I think it’s important to say that the other choice is just as hard. There are NO easy choices when your body doesn’t match the societal ideal. That’s why so many people of so many different sizes are so unhappy with their bodies.
The Rotund, you know I adore you, but I’m not entirely sure Wendy was snarking on you up there.
If I’m wrong, sorry, and carry on squabbling.
(And “squabbling” was a poor choice of words, because I know you’re making points that you’re passionate about, so I didn’t mean to be dismissive. Strike that and replace it with “carry on arguing.”)
If I’ve misread the comment, I totally apologize.
And, Kate, I know you aren’t intending to be dismissive because I know how you feel about this stuff, too! So no worries.
Standing in my office applauding, laughing, crying and relating to what whole essay.
She very elegantly said what I have struggled to express for the better part of the last 30 years!!!!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH for posting that!
Okay, let’s try that again…
That first sentence should say: relating to what the whole essay said.
Man, this feels like a Monday! :)
Thanks, Wendy, for apparently trying to undercut a viewpoint that isn’t all yay, dieting.
Thanks, Rotund, for apparently trying to correct me for a viewpoint (yay, dieting) that I never even expressed. But then again, you’ve been correcting a lot of viewpoints in this thread.
It’s not that you aren’t making valid points; I mean, you always say great things, and I’m all for body autonomy, too. But maybe a little comment autonomy is also in order here. That’s all I meant.
And Kate’s right–I didn’t mean to be snarky, though I could see how it would sound that way. Really it was more acting on impulse, and I should probably check my impulses.
Wendy, maybe I am misreading you but it feels like comment autonomy is just another way of saying we shouldn’t try to talk to each other in comments. Is it wrong to engage with other people and question their viewpoints?
I appreciate that you didn’t mean to be snarky and I’m sorry if my response seemed snarky – that really ISN’T my schtick.
Yeah, “comment autonomy” is way too literal for what I really meant… I certainly didn’t mean that there shouldn’t be conversation and differences in opinion.
But I felt like what was going on in a couple of those exchanges with Rachel and Neel weren’t so much differences of opinion as they were semantics lessons, i.e., “here’s the misguided thing that you inadvertantly said, unless you were being sarcastic, and then it’s okay.” I know semantics are important, and you’re an exceptionally close and careful reader of them, but at some point I felt like what was going on was less conversation than scrutiny. And I that’s when I made my comment as an “okay, enough is enough,” sort of gesture.
But it was vague and half-assed and I owed you this explanation. (And really, it’s not like Rachel and Neel needed me to speak on their behalf.) I hope this clears things up!
This piece makes a good point. In addition to being hard, it’s time-intensive.
I have never been able to convince my husband, parents, or friends that time I spend in trying to remodel my body is time I don’t get to spend on them. They expect me to do everything necessary to become and to stay thin, yet none are willing to have me give up any portion of the time I spend doing things for them and with them.
If I didn’t get home till 6, rather than 5, because I went to the gym and worked out? My spouse would pitch 6 kinds of a fit. If I attempt to plan an activity with friends that includes a bit of physical exertion, they cry off, or suggest more sedentary pursuits as being “more fun”.
I think the essay is trying to answer the common thought process that all one needs to do is ride a bike (fill in blanks for something else if you want) and eat better foods. I think she’s trying to express the intense focus and time that is required to really lose weight. That said I think some people can walk around the neighborhood and eat better food and find they lose weight. I think it’s those of us who can’t hold up the extra intensity required by our specific body to lose weight (and keep it off) that seems to be missing. Or we get the boo-hoo poor you, do it anyway rap. I’m glad she’s trying to express that but I don’t think the time it takes to grocery shop and cook a meal or buy new shoes is really the problem – I have to shop and cook and buy new shoes anyway. It’s all in your head. If you can get your head in it then losing weight will come. I’ve been waiting for my head to get back in it for years now, I’m starting to doubt it will, and I don’t know where to go from here. I hate that there’s assumptions that somehow I don’t care or I’m simply lazy or something, I deal with it everyday. The main focus that often gets lost is every body is different. Just because it’s easy for you, doesn’t mean it is for me. Just because it’s a little hard for you doesn’t mean it’s a little hard for me. Just because one day you wake up and like to exercise doesn’t mean I will. We all have our own struggle with this, even fat acceptance still has to deal with ridicule. I’m saying every struggle is different and it gets tiring trying to explain it to someone who thinks it’s really quite simple when it’s not.
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Sounds like time to expand your circle of friends — if you have new activities, you will likely need a new circle of friends to do them with.
I’m also about 5 seconds away from making the same recommendation for your spouse. Seriously, if you coming home an hour later would cause those sorts of problems, you do have to question the relationship.
Oh! What whyme63 said. I heard for years “… when you get back into shape …” from my spouse. I told him upfront what it took: three hours a day of working out, which would be three hours a day I wasn’t taking care of him/catering to him. Well, lo and behold, I did start working out again. I was working out between 17 and 23 hours a week (yes, just the “working out” part, not anything connected with it), and I did, in fact get back into shape. And he complained constantly and bitterly and accused me a couple of times of having an affair with someone!
I can’t work out the way I used to because of a lot of physical damage, but it doesn’t mean my ex has reaped any of the benefits of less-time-in-the-gym. The cat complains a bit when I leave, but as long as I feed him, he doesn’t care if I get up at four to get to the gym.
What worries me is that when you start basing your life around your exercise schedule (devoting 20 hours a week to it!), you run the risk of developing exercise obsession.
Once that happens, you’re essentially locking yourself back into the box of misery that you were trying to escape from – but this time, instead of being made to feel miserable by other people, you’re being made to feel miserable by yourself.
Once exercise gets hard, please stop and find a different way to do it that is easy or is fun. I loved Tara’s post.
“Even my family would make fun of the things I ate or would not eat.”
Even your own family? ESPECIALLY your own family.
We live in a society that is, generally, actively hostile to good health.
I will back s-l-o-w-l-y away from the keyboard before I begin to rant about that.
Reading Naamah’s post really made me feel better; I’m not (necessarily) a selfish bitch — I’m just not willing to sacrifice my own health to someone else’s comfort on a daily basis.
Wendy2, I was OK with the exercise obsession – I enjoyed it. I wasn’t exercising for weight loss; I didn’t change my eating at all. I was working out for health reasons, physical and mental. I was doing things I wanted to do, and I felt as if I’d discovered what it was like to be a little kid and play. It was something that was mine. And that, of course, was the real issue with my ex.
In my personal experience, obsessive behaviour isn’t always a bad thing,* if it can be guided in useful directions. I know I have obsessive tendencies, and I try to be aware of what I’m doing with them. Mostly I’m sorry that my health concerns don’t let me work out the way I used to!
*I am aware that there are, in fact, people whose exercise obsessions take over their lives, to the detriment of their relationships. I remember specifically reading about long-distance runners, but I can certainly understand that it would apply to any dedicated sport/exercise/fitness participant. That’s not a Good Thing.
I got fat and lethargic when I was depressed. I didn’t exercise and over ate. When I stopped over eating and started getting exercise, I started losing weight. I’ve been steadily and slowly losing fat and building muscle.
At first I just walked but I’ve been working out in a gym for 9 months now and i really enjoy it. I spend about 10 hours a week there, plus I walk almost everywhere. I don’t have a car.
It’s not just the fact that I like the way my body looks much better with less fat on it, I can do a lot more stuff. I have more endurance, I can carry heavy things a long distance, I can look at the books on the bottom shelf at the library easily.
I have never been on a diet. I’m still not on one. I eat what I want within reason without binging. Maybe that’s why it’s not that hard for me to loose weight.
Guest–
My closest friends are my closest friends for many deep and compelling reasons, and although I would prefer that they were more supportive of what I’m trying to do, their lack of support isn’t enough to make me want to give them up. When it comes to making new friends, I’m afraid that none of the folks I’ve yet met during my pursuit of better fitness have been the sort I could bond with. They’re okay as acquaintances, gym buddies, etc. But we just don’t have enough in common to truly bond.
As for my husband–I’ve been married for 22 years, and I learned a long time ago that sharing my life necessitated compromise. I still go to the gym–I just accomodated my schedule to his. For his part, he did present me with the gift of a swimming pool, so that I could get my exercise as a pleasure, rather than a chore (four months out of twelve, anyway.)
They aren’t unreasonable about everything–they are just a little dim about the time thing. I love them anyway.
I’m sad to read about the experiences of Dolley and whyme whose husbands don’t/didn’t support their efforts to get healthy. In order to devote the kind of time you need to lose a significant amount of weight and maintain that loss, you just have to be “selfish” and make time for yourself.
My husband is very supportive – he agreed to buy me a spinning bike, and to converting our spare room to a workout room. But that was mainly because I’m such a klutz he’d worry about me riding a bike on the road.
Sorry whyme – I posted before I read your last comment. Kudos to your husband on the swimming pool!
Oh Dolley, I wasn’t pointing fingers at anybody in this thread! It’s just something that a friend of mine struggles with (her mindset is to ‘exercise no matter what, sick injured, tired, I MUST exercise’), so it came to mind when I was reading the linked post.