Former Fat People
You probably know some former fat people—people who have lost a lot of weight and have kept it off. Some of them have seemingly lost a lot of empathy for other fat people. This woman, for instance, has called a stranger “lardass” and secretly judges her fat friends:
I find that I sometimes have to watch what I say around her. She will complain that she’s not meeting any men or getting the kind of attention she wants from men. I’d say that’s no big mystery! But I can’t tell her that.
There’s also former fat people like Lisa Delaney who write books about their experiences. Reader Stephanie sent along a link to an interview with the author, and I liked this quote:
When you think about it, controlling what you eat is all about no, I can’t, I shouldn’t. You’re denying your appetite, something that is physically and emotionally difficult to do. You could say exercise is as difficult, but when you take the leap and make a commitment to move, you experience positive messages. Exercise is all about “I can,” about proving to yourself that you have abilities and talents you never dreamed you had…And starting your whole journey that way puts you in a powerful position.
However, Delaney also talks about the fear that kept her “stuck” when she was fat, how much she hated being fat and “pitiful,” and how fat women think their “proper place is in front of the TV or at the stove” instead of at the gym.
So I don’t know. Are former fat people always in the position of either hating fat people or trying to help them “see the light” and become thin people? Is it just part of the process of weight loss, to judge the people who are where you once were? Are we all just quietly judging each other anyway? Is there anything we can do to change it? Should we?
Posted by mo pie
Filed under: Books, Fatism, Health, Weight Loss
So let’s say Jane Doe loses 75 pounds. But Jane knows that whatever-it-is-huge-percentage of people who lose weight gain it back. So Jane’s either looking at fat people and living in fear that she’s going to become one again, or she’s looking at fat people and finding a way to distance herself, to differentiate herself, to convince herself and the world that she’s part of the 100-minus-whatever-it-is-huge-percentage that keep the weight off for good.
I mean, or she’s just a bitch.
I agree. I’d say that kind of commentary on other overweight people is a reflection of the shaky place thin has in the life of the formerly overweight. The way that people judge others is the way they judge themselves (perhaps the true meaning of “judge not, lest you be judged). Anyone who has been or is overweight who does not have great empathy for others in that situation has failed to develop a basic understanding of him or herself, and has remained a fear-based person. It would be unusual if such a person was able to get truly slim or stay there.
We are always judging other people. Always. I doubt that there is a fat person out there who hasn’t measured herself against other fat people and thought, “Thank god I’m not *that* fat.” How is that any different than a thin person looking at a fat person and thinking, “Thank god I’m not *that* fat”?
Right or wrong, we all do it.
I know Lisa — I’d call her a friend. She was the writer assigned to the Health magazine story that I was featured in back in October.
I have to say that shes’ one of the most down-to-earth, real, friendly, inspiring, motivating people I’ve ever met. Without knowing much of anything about me, she encouraged me to sign up for and run a marathon… and wouldn’t you know… I’m doing just that. :-)
It’s interesting because I didn’t read that last quote as being about weight loss at all. It was about exercise and being active (I would add the caveat of “at whatever your ability is”). I think we think of the two as being synonymous, but I’ve decided to disconnect that. I’m fat and I’m always going to be fat, but I want to do what I can to keep my body flexible and gain stamina and be able to do the things that I really want to do.
As for the first quote, I’m saddened by her. She describes distancing herself from people who knew her when she was big. She felt like she didn’t begin to live up to her potential before she lost weight. I’ve stopped waiting, and it feels great to live.
The first quote (and blog entries that I read) made me sad. I can’t really express it well.
The second quote like the above commenter I feel (am trying to anyhow) it as a do what you can do kind of thing. I do think that the thought that do what you can at your ability level would have been great to put in there as well.
Personally as all over the place in regards to weight that I’ve been in my life I’d much rather be fat and healthy than thin and feeling crappy. I think that sentiment is one that needs to be said more often.
i’ve never judged anyone by their weight, regardless of when i was heavier and when i was lighter… to know what its like to lose weight and go thru the daily struggle should be looked as an inspiration… not just to others, but to yourself… i don’t want to better than someone, i want to be a healthier and happier me – don’t think that really answers your question but these were my initial thoughts… :o)
I really agree with byrneout’s take on the position of the formerly-fat. But, having never really BEEN formerly-fat, I can’t say if it is 100% accurate. It certainly seems that way for many people, though.
And there are exceptions. There always are and they are usually powerful allies.
As to the rest, yes. I didn’t read being pro-movement as a statement on weightloss so much as a statement on activity. And I really like that statement.
As for the gym vs. stove comment, I think she was pointing out the fact that many obese women are scared to go to the gym because they think other people will judge them. And honestly, they will. You just have to go anyway and learn not to care what other people think. Once you truly believe you are an awesome person, other people’s opinions don’t matter as much. And you don’t have to put other people down to feel awesome about yourself either.
PastaQueen kind of nailed it. I find the more things I have to do in my own life, and the better I’m doing with them, the less time I have to think negatively about and judge other people.
What’s the quote? “Broad minds discuss ideas; small minds discuss people.” (I’m paraphrasing like a madmukka.)
Plus, having been both fat and formerly fat and having settled somewhere between — although what was weird about being a size 4 is that my body image didn’t really change that much, which I think contributed greatly to putting about 20 pounds back on — y’all know what?
I think what’s going to happen to that woman — if that Village People biker cap photo is a current photograph — is that one of these days soon, some little 18-year-old 5-ft tall size zero bimbette, under her breath or perhaps right to her face, is going to call her a fatass or lardass (at her *gasp* current smaller size!), and her world is going to crumble.
Because everything’s relative.
And because karma has sharp teeth.
Pasta Queen — yes, fat women absolutely need to go to the gym no matter what. But it’s important to acknowledge just how hard it can be to throw off a lifetime of engrained “not good enough, not worth it, not every going to be okay.” You know?
I lost 120 pounds (have since gained back 60), and have several friends who have also lost significant amounts. I hate to say it, but I do think that most people who’ve gone from fat to thin go through an ugly phase.
When I reached my goal weight, my job performance totally bottomed out. I blew tons of time at work managing my new dating experiments, looking at clothes online and socializing, yet my employers constantly praised my performance. When a skin condition cleared up, several friends told me it was obviously because I had lost weight (I’ve regained 60 pounds, but the skin condition has not come back). For the first time in the 10 years I’d sung with a small local choir, my picture made the brochure. I was too preoccupied that year to prepare very well, and am pretty sure I didn’t perform as well as usual, but hey…I looked great.
The whole scenario reminds me of that cartoon where the nice, humble country mouse comes to the city and at the end of the week is cheating on his wife, drinking dry martinis out of someone’s stiletto-heeled pump and lighting cigarettes with rolled $100 bills.
A formerly fat person is fed countless cues all day long to repudiate fat and sing the praises of weight loss. It never ceased to fascinate me how people seemed to see old, fat me almost as an entirely different person – a person so contemptible that I should be able to tolerate hearing insulted with relative ease. A woman I worked with told another co-worker (right in front of me!) what a bitch I used to be when I was fat, and how nice I was now. She clearly expected new, thin me to take the slam on old, fat me as a compliment.
I am not proud of my feelings or some of my behavior toward other fat people or even thin people who were not in the kind of athletic shape I’d attained during this period. I would blithlely head for the stairs instead of the elevator, even though I knew my companion was looking at them with the same suffocating dread I’d felt myself a year before. Inside I would tell myself I was doing them a favor; all I was actually doing was showing off. I’d get dressed up to the nines all the time, even when I was going out with a friend I knew wasn’t feeling so great about her appearance and who was going to be hiding, makeupless in a hoody and baggy jeans, and think ‘well, I can’t help it!’ when she had to stand there and listen to people ooh and ah over my weight loss and my form-fitting new clothes. I happily supplied information about my body shape/size to online dating candidates, and was disgustingly glad when I passed muster. I didn’t speak up, throw my drink or leave when a cute guy I went out with answered my ‘worst blind date’ question with a story about going to meet a girl who had described herself as carrying ‘a few extra pounds’ and who had, according to him, seriously understated the case (he walked past her where she sat, alone, at her table. He pretended he did not recognize her from her photo).
I’m not justifying any of this – I think it is incredibly gross, and I am ashamed of myself. If I ever lose weight again, I don’t think I’ll repeat my mistakes – all I’m saying is that the ‘born-again’ thin person’s assholery is not surprising. I think it takes a very strong, secure, self-aware person to drop over 100 pounds and not go through the ugly phase.
Hi Mary! (waving) I was just thinking about you the other day – good to see you’re still around. :-)
I totally agree with your comments. In fact when I lost the equivalent of Nicole Ritche, I used to jokingly refer to myself (only to my husband, mind you) as a “skinny bitch”. People who had been on the same journey told me it was just a phase and I’d get over myself. And I did. Eventually.
Hell some of us didn’t even need to be formerly fat to be arrogant. My last diet I lost 30 lbs (still fat, mind you) and decided I’d discovered the secret of weight loss if anybody cared to listen (happily nobody did).
I have to say, of the people I know who’ve lost and kept off lots of weight:
– one had only fat for a year or so, having rapidly gained a lot of weight after quitting an addiction. Before that she had been rail thin, and afterwards (now) is still rail thin.
– one is about half as fat as she was, but is still definitely fat.
– one had weight loss surgery.
Of the other people that I’ve known who’ve lost a lot of weight, none of them have kept it off for more than a few years.
So I don’t really get upset about the arrogance of the formerly fat, since people who aren’t in one of those categories are just zebras in my world. So rare that they don’t really have an impact.
The assumption that every overweight person, even the formerly overweight, is kind and compassionate is as unfounded as fat=lazy. A petty, mean person after having lost weight was just as petty and mean when they were heavier. They just didn’t have the guts to speak their opinions out loud.
No matter what they weigh, some people are just unpleasant
I find that formerly fat is not so different from former smokers, former alcoholics, former whatevers. Some people tend to become judgemental of people who suffer from their former affliction, some become supportive, and some just realize that everyone is different and life is too short to judge!!
I have lost about 85 pounds (but need to lose about 15 more to be a “healthy” weight according to those damned BMI guidelines) so some would still consider me fat, but I have had people ask me my “secrets” and I hesitate to talk about how I lost the weight, because I fear that no matter what I say or how I say it, it will be construed as judgemental, depending on how the person asking hears it. I know when I was obese and friends/family members were losing weight, I would listen to their struggles (which were valid and fair) and would somehow construe some of their comments as judgement on my fat, even though I’m sure that’s not what they intended. There is just so much implicit morality around fat, its hard to not feel judged.
That said, I have known some people who take the attitude of “well, I did it, why can’t everyone?” which is short sighted and sad.
I didn’t go through that. My weight loss was strictly a side effect, and not a goal; I was working out like a wild woman, between three and seven hours a day, intense, intense workouts – in addition to working a full-time job and a couple of side jobs. I remember a point where I thought, I have got to stop buying size 8s just because I like them; they’re just too big, but it was just a Shopping Moment, not something I shared with the rest of the world. And even though I kept the weight off for eight years, I knew – knew – from past experience, that it was solely due to working out as if I was going to be in the Olympics; I’d been that route two other times in my life, and I knew that if my workouts dropped below three hours of frenzy a day, the weight would come back. And since I blew out some bones, the workouts dropped down, and the weight came back. If someone asked how I lost weight, I would share the details of my workouts, gladly; some ladies joined my gym, and some were disappointed that I didn’t have a magic pill to offer (my eating habits didn’t change). Mostly I was angry when people would get effusive over my weight loss, because I was still the same person, and it wasn’t what the working out was about. (The exception, of course, was my husband, who had said to me for years, variations on, “When you get back in shape …” When I was a muscular but curvy 4/6 (and even had a couple of 2s in my wardrobe), you know what I heard? “That wasn’t the shape I was expecting.” “Devastation” doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. I guess I was supposed to work out until I was seventeen again.)
I just never felt thin inside. I was stronger, which was great, but still asthmatic, still the same person, still had plenty of room for improvement in all sorts of areas – it wasn’t my place to judge anyone fatter, especially since I still identified with them, no matter what size I was.
I’m very happy with the Sports Club I belong to now. I’m still working out, just not the way I used to. Men and women of all ages and sizes are members there. It’s not a meat market (as far as I know), and there are all body types, all ages, working out – yes, there are thin young women, and there are a few who look like weight lifters, but we’re young, middle-aged and old, painfully thin, average, chunky, fat. By and large, despite obligatory posters for Get-Fit Brides and other types of occasional visual advertising flotsam, it’s just a place to go to keep the machine (your body) in working order, which is what I think a gym should be, for the most part.
as a formerly fat person now maintaining a thin weight, i can honestly say i never judge anyone. not because i am perfect or a saint or never have bad thoughts. because i found being fat extremely painful. and when i see others struggling with their weight i feel nothing but empathy for them. i don’t judge, i don’t try to convert, i don’t DO anything. i just understand. but you know what? sometimes heavy women look at me accusingly, assuming i’m judging. this makes me sad. i want to say, i have been there! i totally understand!
I’m not thinking of myself in front of the tv or the stove–I AM at my full-time job, bringing home the bacon! Which, yes, I will eventually eat. :-P
“The assumption that every overweight person, even the formerly overweight, is kind and compassionate is as unfounded as fat=lazy. A petty, mean person after having lost weight was just as petty and mean when they were heavier. They just didn’t have the guts to speak their opinions out loud.
No matter what they weigh, some people are just unpleasant”
AMEN Pauline! My sentiments exactly!
Having been Fat-Formerly Fat-Now Fat Again, I would have to say that it’s comparable to someone winning the lottery and becoming a jerk in the same instance. Everyone wants to blame the new attitude on the money when really the money is only affording the person to be who they always were but never felt good enough to be.
I can honestly say that even when I lost weight and was at my lowest… I was kinder to people. I had more energy and felt great about myself and so spread the feelings on to everyone else as well.
I had more empathy for those who were overweight because I understood the battle that they fought and had endured the same criticism.
Anyway, to analyze the woman and her post, I would say that she felt her lowest at her highest weight and must think that all big women feel the same. She must feel that the fat attitude will somehow rub off on her.
The shame in her thinking is that obesity is not a virus. You will not become fat by simply looking, hanging out with or talking to a person who is. There are people out there who feel sexy being big. There are women who embrace their curves and rolls and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it’s beautiful! :o)
I think fear plays a larger role in how a formerly fat person feels about herself and other overweight people than anyone suspects. I’m not defending rude, ugly, or malicious behavior, just curious about where the judgment comes from, and maybe it comes from fear.
Fear of re-gaining weight. Fear of being judged *because* you lost weight. Fear of being judged if you do regain weight. Fear that you’ll never be happy whatever your size. Fear that you’ll always be the person who has to obsess about food and weight and size and body image. Fear that new friends/lovers will leave you if you ever reveal yourself as a former fatty.
Change is scary and finding oneself in a new body — thin or fat — can leave a person feeling adrift. Perhaps judging fat friends or strangers is the former fat person’s subconscious way of managing those fears.
Any thoughts?
I hope and pray I never act that way. Even IF it is part of the human condition or whatever, I don’t want to be that girl.
I’ve written before on an offshoot of this: we’re all in this fat club together — and is it an insult to the others that I want to get out of it? “Hi, fat friends, I’m one of you now, but frankly, I don’t want to be. I want to hand in my resignation to the Fat Club.”
But then I realize that none of us (or very few of us) want to be in this club, and then I feel better about it.
I’m in a state right now where I feel loved, appreciated, all that stuff in spite of my fat, so I suspect (and hope) that when I lose it, I’ll be one of the people who remember how much it sucked.
But then again, I’m the kind of person who would be insulted by sympathy.
I’m struggling with this, as you can tell. I’m hitting a period of my life where a bunch of good, hopeful things are happening to me, and I’ll tell ya, you find out who your friends are when GOOD things happen, that’s for sure.
And at the same time, I find myself cheering for people who lose the fat, and lose it because they’re feeling a sense of achievement, not the fat per se. Five years ago, I probably didn’t have it in me to cheer somebody on like that. I would have become the bitch that hates fat people once she loses it. I think it all boils down to that inner thing, that thing Red nailed and Pastaqueen mentioned.
I still don’t feel good about my fat right now, but I feel darn good about mySELF, a feeling I haven’t had in years, and it might be why I might actually lose this fat. Its so crucial, this acceptance of one’s self. I’ve said it again and again, I’ve learned the fat is not a cause of pain, it’s a symptom. And I think the people who get bitchy after they lose the fat are the ones who have not addressed the cause. I kind of feel bad for them, because as Red said, they’re in fear.
I’m rambling, but one more thought. As another commenter said, and I agree, I think we al do it sometimes: “Well at least I’m not that fat.” But I have found over the years that when I think that thought, its morphed from disgust to sympathy to flat out empathy. Because I remember hurting like that, and I know what’s working for me, but the hard part is that I can tell you what’s working for me, and maybe it will work for you, but we all have to find our own way to stop the hurting and that’s the hardest part.
Hi, Susan! :-)
Most fat people deeply internalize fat hatred. The comments currently former fat people is just an extension of the committment they made to stigmatizing fat. To them, its no different than how they felt as a fat person. The only difference is that they now feel empowered to direct that hatred out inside of in. As long as fat people are taught to view their bodies with hostility, resentment, and loathing the few who become temporarly formerly fat will be inspired to transfer those strong feelings onto others.
I think it’s definitely part of the process. If you lose weight and keep it off, you have become a different person, and it is to do with the unnatural state of a perma diet regime, that produces this mental poison. It is an exception to escape it.
I am the woman referenced at the beginning of this post. Months later, I continue to see hits to my blog from these links. I’ve always felt my intentions were taken grossly out of context here.
The blog post originally referenced is no longer available. I recently decided to comment on these incidents again. That post is available here. Thanks.
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This is kind of off topic, but bear with me. I can’t stand the term, LOSE weight. I don’t want to lose any part of myself. I like me. Finally. What I want to GAIN is more fun exercises, better, tasty, healthier food choices. When I feel down on myself about my weight, I don’t hit the gym, or walk, I eat comfort type foods. So, I don’t want to LOSE weight, I want to gain healthy habits into my life that make me feel better, whatever happens from there happens, no big deal, no judgement on myself or others. If you lose weight, I think maybe the logic of this is that you lose a part of yourself, the “FAT GIRL” part, well that never goes away, it has shaped you, literally and figuratively and all of the experiences of your life come through your body, you can’t LOSE that, at some point I think you have to comes to terms with what your life has been and honour it, FAT or FORMERLY FAT. I personally love the anti-diet message, because than you can just let yourself be healthy :), no more, I shouldn’t have’s, and with working out, it should be fun and make your body feel energized and alive, it shouldn’t be for the sole purpose of burning calories or molding yourself into something more “desirable”. I don’t know if this fits with everyone else’s comments, I didn’t read them all, cause I really dislike the term lose, as if my body is something to be cut away and parcelled off.
I had Dagny come to my blog to whine:
http://rioiriri.blogspot.com/2007/07/uneasiness-of-equality.html
From what I can tell, she wants to be part of the “pretty people” club, and the best way to do that is to deny humanity to fat people now that she’s surgically modified.
I guess if you get yourself mutilated and devote a significant portion of your life to rigorous exercise, you think you deserve some kind of medal for it? And if anyone suggests that being thin doesn’t make you a better person, then they’re attacking the very thing that you’ve put yourself through hell to obtain?
I don’t know, but after seeing the lardass entry, I stopped caring about responding to her comments. You’re absolutely right: She’s just a bitch.
As for her friend who doesn’t get attention from men…I honestly had more attention after I gained weight than I did when I was a 115-lb anorectic. I have never had problems finding men or women who are interested in me sexually or otherwise, and I am now blissfully married to an awesome person who, amazingly, is everything I’d ever wanted in a significant other.
Her friend’s problem with attention from men is not the fat thing, despite D’s snide little comment; it’s probably a matter of how she presents herself. If you’re depressed and have no self-esteem, people pick up on that and tend to avoid it. So her friend doesn’t need to get life-threatening WLS or diet herself thin; she needs support, love, and maybe some size acceptance counseling so that she can view herself as worthy and beautiful–which she will then project as she is out in social situations!
It’s too bad we can’t reach out to this friend and guide her toward the self-acceptance that many of us have found. But, let’s hope that she finds the size positive community on her own and starts down the path of feeling like she’s valuable no matter what her size is.
I think it’s pathetic that Dagny continues to hate herself so much she transfers the hatred to others…
good people who were heavy, will be good people after they lose weight
conversely, *ssh*les when they were fat, will actually become bigger *ssh*les, when they surgically alter their bodies….
I want to also say Dagny has systematically removed people from her life that knew her, supported her, and loved her unconditionally BEFORE her surgery.
In other words, those people that accepted her as she was are now considered some how inferior…
She has a desperate need to be part of the cool kids, and popular kids, but really has no clue as to what this really means.
Yes Rio, she is a bitch. It seems as she lost weight she became like a sauce that needed reduction. Her rudeness intensified and now she has no problem lying about others and herself if she doesn’t get her way.
she thinks that behavior is cool..
she’s a loser.
The “cool kids”?? The “popular kids”? So I take it you girls are in the same home room and this Dagny stole your boyfriend? Maybe you should plot her murder and make it look like suicide! Make it look like a binge/purge gone horribly wrong and leave a giant sausage at the scene to make it look like she choked.
Somebody’s still got their undies in a knot over that Dagney girl with a whole blog about her.
take off on Livethenewday.com
that site is empty now. Maybe the person who made it realized how obsessed it made them look. or the wrong person saw it and they got caught.
I saw that blog ridiculing Dagny when it was up. I considered it an example of the status we place on weight loss and looks that someone could become so obsessively jealous of a friend who’d lost weight. Reading Dagny’s blog it is obvious she has sought to reposition herself in a different role, one that friends from her past might not be able to relate to. One such former friend lashed out, reflecting back her own insecurities about what may be her own struggle with weight and self-image.
I saw it too and I thought it was really funny.