Michelle Fonville speaking out about her treatment at the nail salon reminds me of another form of speaking out: writing a letter of complaint.

Recently(ish), BFD reader cb wrote in to share part of a survey she’d filled out after shopping at the Gap’s online store, and the response she received. She rated her online experience 5 out of 10 and when they asked why, here’s what she said:

I am a plus-sized shopper, and wear a size 20 or XXL. While I love many of Gap’s products, I am unhappy that I can’t go into a store and try things on in my size. This is a sizeist attitude, and one that I don’t appreciate. It means I have to pay (shipping) to try something on, whereas people wearing smaller sizes can (barring an item being sold out) walk in and try things on.

It would be greatly appreciated if you would bring the plus sizes back into the stores. You have a great line of products through both Gap and Old Navy (Banana Republic does not offer plus sizes), and I would like to feel that my business is important enough to warrant being welcome inside your stores. You are turning away women who are willing to hand you their money by not catering to your plus sized market. My
online shopping experience is as good as can be expected, but I don’t like paying to try on clothes.

The Gap responded:

Thank you for your feedback regarding our women’s plus line not being
carried in our stores. As a company, we are constantly evaluating and re-evaluating our business, and customer feedback like yours is a vital part of the process. We hope you know that it is never our intention to frustrate customers with what we are able to offer in our stores. We can assure you that your feedback will be shared with the appropriate company personnel.

Cb was surprised that she got a response, and added “I really feel like we in the plus-sized community have an opportunity here to tell these companies that we want the opportunity to shop for items IN-STORE.”

I was reminded of her email in the postcard comments thread, when The Binge Diary suggested writing a letter of complaint to the company that produced the postcard—a good idea that simply hadn’t occurred to me.

I confess I don’t really write any letters of complaint at all, although I have really been tempted to write a letter to the Harry Potter theme park, since I really really really want to spend a lot of money to travel to Florida and ride their ride, but I probably can’t. It made me wonder: Do you write complaint letters yourself? Do you think they make a difference? Have you ever gotten results?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Fashion, Old Navy | 23 Comments »

It’s actually not often that I get emails from more than one tipster on the same subject, but Kari, Leigh, and Amy all sent me links to this story! A woman in Georgia was told she would have to pay $5 extra for her manicure because she was fat.

Michele Fonville claims she was charged five extra dollars for her manicure due to her weight. Kim Tran, owner of the Natural Nails Salon in DeKalb County, Georgia, said the reason she was being charged was apparently fat patrons were causing damage to salon chairs (as opposed to possible normal wear and tear). When Ms. Fonville told the owner she couldn’t charge her extra because it was weight discrimination, Tran allegedly replied it wasn’t fair to charge $24 for a manicure when it costs $2500 to fix broken furniture. She refunded the extra charge and told Fonville not to come back because she couldn’t serve her anymore…

Us fat people take so much crap in our society, the last thing we should have to worry about is being shamed at a nail salon. And while Kim Tran probably can charge fat people more for manicures because there is no national weight discrimination law on the books, it’s still disheartening she would think to only blame large people for breaking her furniture and making them pay for the cost towards items she as a business owner is required to supply.

Leigh lives in the same town, and sent us this link to a local news source, which quotes both Fonville and Tran:

I said, ‘I’ve been overcharged. She may have made an error,’” said Fonville. “She broke it down, then told me she charged me $5 more because I was overweight. I was humiliated. I almost cried. Tears were forming in my eyes….”

“I didn’t want to argue with her about $5. I wanted to make her pleased with her service,” Tran said. “I whispered … I said, ‘I’m sorry, next time I cannot take you.”

When Kari wrote in, she pointed out that Michelle Fonville’s name is in the headlines of some of these articles, which might suggest a subtle note of public “fat shaming.” And then I realized that despite being humiliated and hurt by what had happened, Michelle Fonville decided to speak out about it—go to the media and tell her story publicly and on camera. A lot of people might have been too embarrassed to do that, and have their name in those headlines. But despite her humiliation, Michelle didn’t waver from her belief that the $5 surcharge was discrimination, and that it was wrong, and that people should hear about it.

How many stories like this must happen every day? If Michelle Fonville’s bravery in going public is a rarity, how many other incidents must happen that we never find out about? How many people—who may blame themselves for their weight, who may buy into the culture of body shaming—are afraid to be laughed at, instead of supported, if they insist they’ve been treated wrongly? I wonder.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Cold Hard Cash, Fatism | 23 Comments »

The days are growing shorter and the air smells like freshly-sharpened pencils. After Labor Day, bare legs are verboten if you adhere to Miss Manners, so what’s a girl to do? Tights, baby. Tights.

Finding a decent pair of plus size tights is a bit of a challenge. Sometimes tight purveyors make gigantically long tights with a larger waistband, as though their customers are plus size giraffes. I’m 5’9″ and even I shake my head at these ridiculous things. Also, in theory, tights should be more hearty than your average silken hosiery, and yet somemanufacturers send out tights which are dear and apparently made of knit gossamer and spider webs. Therefore, even though I LOVE all of those choices, I tend to shy away from places like Hips And Curves, Tights Online and We Love Colors. Mopie is delicate enough to pull that off, but I cannot. More specifically, my ass, thighs and the rubbing action of said thighs cannot.

Mopie and I met up with BFDivas Sony, Elise and Marie Denee for an Igigi free-for-all and Elise was very taken with my hot pink tights. “Promise me you’ll do a tights post. PROMISE!” she insisted. And here I thought it was just me. Here’s the advice I gave her: shop where  maiden aunts and librarians shop. No kidding! The venues may not have the sexy colors but their tights wear like iron and go through dozens of washings with nary a pilled inner thigh.

Here are my top picks for sturdy, well-fitting tights:

• Catherine’s. Most fatshionistas flutter their eyelids at the thought of walking into this store, with its applique’d polyester dresses and matronly sportswear, but their hosiery is amazingly resistant to runs. The colors are pretty boring however, black tights are the workhorses of a fall wardrobe and I get all of mine from Catherine’s. (Sizes up to 7x)
• Woman Within/Roamans/One Stop Plus/Jessica London: If you buy from them, you’ll forever get a million paper catalogs in the mail, but oh the colors! Orange! Teal! Cranberry! Purple! You automatically get an heir and a spare with their 2 pack deal, so it’s the best bang for your tight dollar, even if they don’t wear quite as long as the boring options from Catherine’s. They have cool sparkly Lurex too. (Sizes up to 8x)
• Avenue: Inconsistent sizing (sometimes I get the weirdly long or super small pair) and word on Fatshionista is that they changed the quality of their standard tights but I still can’t resist things like the double diamond pointelle. The hot pink pair of tights that prompted this post came from Avenue. (Sizing up to EE, which fits 320-375 lbs)
• Torrid: Pretty one note for selection (and that note tends to be goth). Even though I’ve given up on their plain black tights, Torrid is still my automatic go to for statement hosiery like fishnets. Huge caveat: they have the crappiest waistbands imaginable, and the runs/rips always start there, but I usually just go MacGyver and either cut off the waistband entirely and hold them up by wearing a pair of Spanx over them or cut the legs off and use a garter belt. Torrid gets extra credit for using models of size in their photos. (Sizing up to 3x/4x, which means practically nothing)

What did I miss? Where are the amazing tights to be found? Hit us up in the comments for your juicy secrets!

Full disclosure: Neither BFD nor I received any compensation to endorse these products!

Posted by Weetabix

Filed under: Fashion, Fat Positive, Weetabix | 24 Comments »

Oh, celebrities. Or “celebrities,” if you prefer, since we’re talking about two of the Real Housewives, a phenomenon which I can’t even go into, since I don’t understand it at all. Anyway, two of these “housewives” shared their diets with two different tabloids last week. While posing for pictures in bikinis. Ready?

Michaele Salahi poses in a bikini for [InTouch] and then says she is not an anorexic and that she eats plenty and that if people would get out and move they would look just like her. Eating plenty huh? Want to know what she eats everyday? In the morning she has a bowl of cereal and at night she has a salad with some grilled chicken in it. No lunch or anything else the entire day. Umm, how does she even have the energy to move around…

Not to be outdone, Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel says the way she lost 33 pounds after pregnancy was to “Taste everything, eat nothing.” Umm, that sounds like one of the favorite tricks of anorexia. .. What [the tabloids] have done is put two incredibly skinny women in bikinis in their magazine and said they basically don’t eat. That is the only way you will look like them and the tabloids seem to be celebrating it. That is wrong, wrong wrong. If you are naturally skinny, then great. You are just as sexy as the curvy person or the overweight person. What I don’t like is they are saying the only way to be sexy is to be thin and to not eat. That is wrong.

I think we’re all pretty familiar with the hypocrisy of the tabloids by now. But still, as long as they keep printing this, it’s good to keep saying it: these messages are damaging and dangerous. And the Real Housewives may be, right at this very moment, the number one thing that’s holding back contemporary feminism. Well, them and Heidi Montag.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Celebrities, Eating Disorders, Feminism, Gossip, Magazines, TV | 21 Comments »

We have another great Ask BFD question, this time from Barnardgirl! She’s wondering about the cognitive dissonance of being an advocate and still not accepting yourself fully. Bolding mine:

Dear BFD,

First, thanks for adding an Ask BFD category. I love your blog and the FA blogosphere so much- I wish I’d known about it in high school! :) Reading these blogs are very rewarding, but yet difficult for me because of cognitive dissonance. How can you be a fat positive advocate, and a good friend and influence when it comes to body positivity for the people around you, when you still struggle with accepting yourself?

Obviously, the world we live in is still very judgmental, which is what a lot of blogs often discuss. My problem, though, is just as often me. Being college-age now, my sister and some of my dearest friends struggle with eating disorders, so body positivity and self-esteem are an important issue for me. But as someone who struggled with eating disorders herself, and who still sometimes -hates- her body at a ‘healthy BMI’, and what most people would call an average size- I often feel fatter now than when I was
obese- how can I counsel self-love without being a hypocrite? How can you keep from triggering the people around you when you’re trying to keep losing weight yourself?

I am the biggest HAES advocate believer you can imagine, and the last thing I want to do is spread any more negative energy into the world. I am a radical liberal and feminist, and many of the women I personally find attractive are bigger than me- Beth Ditto is one of the most fashionable, inspiring, and talented women I have ever seen, for instance, and I have the most monstrous crush on Hayley Hasselhoff from Huge. But this just doesn’t transfer to my own behavior and self-image. I want to be a good role model to the girls around me, and I think my problem is one a lot more common than some people think. The only analogy I can think of is being straight in a gay pride parade, except it’s probably closer to being a secretly self-hating gay- how can you support this cause when you’re one of those girls who are technically the ‘enemy?’

I know I’m a work in progress, and I try every day to become a happier, more self-loving person, but eating disorders don’t just go away just like that, or even just the puerile teenage insecurities every woman’s faced sometimes. Thanks for reading this, and I’d love any advice on how to still be an advocate for others, even with my own problems. Most of all, I love my sister more than anything, and I fear the effect I have on her sometimes. Does anyone else have this problem, and what do you do? Thanks for your time!

Gratefully,
Barnardgirl

This is such a great question, Barnardgirl, and thanks for sending it in!

First of all, I think you’re making an assumption that isn’t true: that somehow, all FA advocates are perfect models of self-esteem and self-love. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who doesn’t still struggle with these issues sometimes. I still “feel fat” and unattractive sometimes, I still get my feelings hurt by petty fatism, I still have a semi-disordered relationship with food—I’m not immune, and I honestly don’t think anyone is.

So, be careful with things like calling yourself “the enemy.” You’re fighting a lifetime of messages that there’s something wrong with your body, and at least you’re thinking about these issues. You’re doing the best you can.

So, first of all, I would advise you to keep doing what you’re already doing—read and participate in blogs like this one and other feminist and fatosphere blogs, replace Cosmo and Vogue with Ms. and Fatshionista, and keep working on internalizing emotionally what you’ve already accepted intellectually.

As for your sister, I have a sister myself, and I appreciate your desire to be a good role model for her, as well as for your friends. All I can say is, resist the urge to participate in Fat Talk as a form of bonding, keep preaching the gospel of HAES and modeling it as best you can, and keep reading for the readers’ advice in the comments. Readers—what advice can you give Barnardgirl?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Ask BFD, Eating Disorders, Feminism, Magazines, Question | 6 Comments »

Oh, the postcards. The postcards with awful puns and “jokes” on them that feature very large models and often show them in the process of eating something. We’ve all seen them, right? I saw this one last month, while I was on vacation in Ohio, and I was like, “oh god, these. I remember these.”

When I was a kid, they didn’t annoy me (like they do now) they just made me uncomfortable. And why? Because they sent me the message that fat people are meant to be laughed at. Or maybe that fat people shouldn’t put on bathing suits. And my mom was not a skinny woman, and she wore a bathing suit. It made me feel protective and sad. Were people laughing at her? Was she funny, the way the postcards were funny?

I also used to wonder about the models who pose for these pictures. And I guess I still wonder about them, the same way I wonder about actors who are cast in parts where they don’t have a name, are just listed as “Fat Girl #3″ or whatever.

So, these postcards. Harmless kitsch or fatism in the wild? And is it just my imagination or are we, at least, seeing fewer of them?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Fatism, Kids, Personal, Postcard | 15 Comments »

Firstly, I hope you’ve had a chance to notice all the small improvements around here. We now have buttons on each entry to let you Twitter and Facebook them, you can reply to individual comments, you can have follow-up comments emailed to you (which is really handy if someone joins a conversation late), and you can see related posts. Plus, DID YOU SEE THE PRETTY CATEGORY CLOUD IN THE SIDEBAR? IT IS SO PRETTY.

Thanks to Make My Blog Pretty for being awesome and doing a great job with all these little details. And please play around with these new features and let me know if anything looks off or weird or whatnot. There is now an “email us” link in the sidebar, or Twitter me up.

Secondly, this really has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to share this video of Inefficient Drinking Cat.

For me, the winning shot is at 1:43. Although 2:02 is pretty awesome too.

Thanks for the link, aych!

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Feel Good Friday, Humor, Meta, Video | 8 Comments »

1. Photographic proof that fat people existed in the past, from Manolo for the Big Girl. Some really cool pictures.

2. Lesley at Fatshionista is doing Huge recaps, and tackles the latest episode here. Also, the cast signs a Body Peace Treaty, but… there are some problems, as The
Rotund explains:

“Oh, hi, y’all, love your bodies but isn’t this traditionally attractive boy just the hottest? You may be smart and funny and good looking but you won’t measure up to the mainstream heartthrobby good looks of the thin dude.”

Yeah, I’m paraphrasing. BUT COME ON.

3. The Glamazons are auditioning for new talent.

Those 4 plus size beauties are looking to cast another girl to add to the group! Are you a gorgeous, tall, plus size girl who can sing and dance? Please send pics and resumes to glamazongirls@gmail.com for audition appointment.

4. Let’s teach preschoolers to count calories! Family Feeding Dynamics spots a problematic sign at the local Farmer’s Market.

Circle the healthiest choice (fewest calories)!
Ring the cowbell!

1/2 cup diced fruit salad (60 calories)
1/2 cup diced fruit salad with 2 Tbspn orange juice (88 calories)
1/2 cup diced fruit salad with 2 Tbspns light yogurt (96 calories)

I wonder why adding yogurt is not “healthy” or the assertion that the definition of “healthy” is low calorie. Low-calorie and low-fat diets fail nutritionally for small children (and fail for adults too.) I won’t elaborate on why this is garbage “nutrition” info which is more harmful than helpful.

5. And finally, happy ten-year blogoversary to the granddaddy of all FA blogs, Big Fat Blog!

I know we haven’t solved all of the world’s fat problems (yet), but just think for a second where fat acceptance and body equality were ten years ago. Or maybe it would be easier to think of where *you* were on the body love continuum ten years ago.

Happy Thursday!

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Food, Huge, Kids, Music, Old Timey, TV | 6 Comments »

The Rotund writes about reclaiming the word fat.

That’s why I object to “overweight” as a descriptor. Over what weight? The weight other people think I should be even though they have no experience with my body composition beyond looking at me? The weight a BMI chart says I should be? The weight a fashion magazine thinks I should be? The only thing I’m over is all the effort to Other my body.

This sent me looking back at one of the earliest BFD posts, about this very topic. (Although I called “overweight” a term that is “as neutral as it gets.” Which, see above.)

Interestingly, many of the terms used to describe overweight men could be considered positive. Like “beefy” or “burly” or “brawny” or “stocky,” these words imply physical strength and substance and are only applied to women when we want to say “big and butch,” whereupon they become negative again.

Although many of my ideas have evolved, and I no longer hesitate to use the word fat, it was an interesting entry to revisit. I was curious to see how the terminology has evolved, so I typed “fat” into the search box at Urban Dictionary. And, wow, I do not suggest doing that. Especially not when the synonyms include words like “bitch,” “stupid,” “whore,” “vagina,” “woman,” “smelly,” and “girl.” The number one definition is this:

According to Hollywood, What you are if you are a female weighing over 100 lbs. Nicole Richie apparently thought she was fat, now she looks like a nine-year old boy.

Ugh. Clearly a dude who thinks he’s being progressive, but really is just body-shaming in a different direction—and of course, focusing only on women and their bodies. Of course.

For “overweight,” the terms that come up include “nail the whale,” “buffet queen,” “fat chick,” and “fattractive”—again, none of which I suggest you look up. I mean, just yesterday, Urban Dictionary was very helpful in explaining to me what the new “double rainbow” meme meant. But that is some ugly, fatphobic, misogynistic stuff.

Hey, the new “related posts” feature just found another post where I looked up fat on Urban Dictionary! Plus some interesting comments, with people objecting to the word “fat” and “fatty” as well as making some observations on race.

Okay, enough going down the rabbit hole of my own previous posts. It’s been two years, which means I think it’s time to ask again: what euphemisms do you love, and which do you hate? What’s your favorite word to describe your body? If you’re thin, do you get tired of being called “scrawny” or “skinny” and told to eat a sandwich? If you’re fat, do you call yourself that? And what do you think of the word “fat” in general?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: BFD Classic, Fat Positive, Fatism, Feminism, Question | 27 Comments »

This email landed in our inbox this week, and it inspired me to add a new category called “Ask BFD” to file this post under. I’m going to try and go back and tag some of the terrific posts that have sprung from reader questions. In the meantime, I think this is a great question, and I look forward to reading the responses! Bolding here, as per usual, is mine.

Dear BFD folks,

I have been a reading your blog for awhile and need some advice from you (and the readers) on something. I really hope you can take the time to help me out.

I’ll try to keep a long story short, but here’s some background: I’ve been fat since puberty (I’m in my early 30s now, topped out at about 280 lbs. and a size 22/24). I was teased all through school for my weight, and made the mistake of reading magazines like Cosmo (which just kept telling me that I wasn’t thin or pretty enough) so I had no self-esteem until I found the FA movement in my 20s. I have been a happy fat girl with rockin’ self-esteem ever since.

Last year I moved to a new town and began to work from home. I love working from home, but my workaholic tendencies (coupled with the fact that my commute is now ten feet from my bedroom) meant that I would be at home all day and often didn’t go outside or see another person except for my boyfriend. I was not happy with this. In an effort to take a break from work and go out into the world and see actual people, I began to swim laps every day at a nearby pool. I love it! The physical activity feels great, I’m out in the world, and I have a couple of hours a day where I don’t have to read emails and deal with work.

In starting this new physical activity, weight loss was not my goal. I just wanted to get out and do more with my body than click a mouse. But, as can happen with exercise and healthful eating (I was already a veggie-lover), I am starting to lose weight. My friends and family have been noticing and making the positive comments that everyone makes in these situations. Namely: “You look great – have you lost weight?”

So here’s my problem: How do I deal with these comments? I don’t want to tell them that I have lost weight, because I feel like that’s leading them to believe that I buy into the Western Beauty Standard BS that being thin is the ideal and if you’re fat you automatically wish you were thin and diet all the time. But I also don’t want to shame them for giving me a compliment because, after all, they are my family and friends and they only mean well.

I thought about saying something like, “Thank you for noticing I have changed, but I prefer not to discuss my body,” but that sounds a little…standoffish and like something you’d say to a stranger and not your mom or your best girlfriend. If it’s possible, I’d actually like to steer the praise to the fact that I’m dropping 60+ laps a day at the pool. That is such an amazing thing to me that I did not know I could achieve and that means way more to me than what size dress I’m wearing these days. And, if I’m swimming that far at 280 lbs., every day, the haters who think us fatties just sit on the couch and eat cupcakes all day have to suck it hard now, right? :)

Thanks in advance,
cubicalgirl

Here is an old Shapely Prose post answering this very question!

Aunt Fattie’s recommendation: variations on the theme of “really? I hadn’t noticed.” For people who are keenly attuned to others’ weight fluctuations, this is guaranteed to blow their minds. It is not rude or dismissive, but the genuine indifference not to the weight loss compliment but to weight loss itself alerts people that something unusual is going on here.

I’m sure poking around in the comments of that thread will yield some other good advice. BFD readers, what do you think?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Ask BFD, Exercise, Question, Weight Loss | 31 Comments »

Bravo has been showing commercials for a new show called Thintervention. Just the title alone makes me want to dry heave. One of my favorite Twitter friends, @GinAndPopcorn, sent me this link, describing the show thusly:

The new series is Thintervention—yes, that’s it’s real name, not Andy Cohen screwing with us—“will track the stories of people struggling with ongoing weight issues” as Jackie “works with them in their real lives surrounded by the every day distractions and stresses of family and work,” according to a Bravo press release. “Each episode of the one hour series will feature a grueling workout with Warner pushing her clients to their emotional and physical limits, a therapy session to get to the root of their weight issues, and a life lesson in nutrition such as grocery shopping or surprise raids of their home kitchens.”

As Gin said, “I cannot imagine this being anything but horrific. Pushing to physical & emotional limits? No. Just…no. ”

Today, @GinAndPopcorn also alerted me to this: a show from Jenny Craig spokesperson Sara Rue called–wait for it–Shedding for the Wedding. How timely, and also, vomit-inducing!

[T]he show puts 10 overweight couples in a the same house, where they’ll vie to lose the most weight over three months. Each week, the couple that loses the least amount of weight gets sent packing, and the last two standing get their wedding paid for — and possibly televised.

At least it’s not just targeting women?

And here’s another preview of Mike and Molly, which shows Molly exercising (hey, that’s something) but also has the obligatory fat jokes.

At least we have Huge. OR DO WE?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Celebrities, Fatism, Huge, Mike & Molly, Sara Rue, TV | 17 Comments »

Since we were just talking about “lose weight for your wedding” pressure, this post by Silvana of Tiger Beatdown really resonated.

I was pretty fine with my body. Fine with being a fat bride. Fine with the fact that I was wearing a strapless dress which showed off my, yes, arms — which are considered unacceptably fat by many people. Until it actually happened.

Suddenly, my appearance was way more important than it had ever been. I’m certain that I couldn’t count how many people complimented me on my appearance. On my dress, my shoes, my hair, my makeup, my jewelry. I did not get any criticism, thank God. I only got tons and tons of compliments from everyone there. And the compliments keep rolling in on the photos I posted on Facebook. I was about to say “not that I mind them,” but the fact is, I do mind them. Not because I think people are ill-intentioned or because I find compliments embarrassing. But because it was so apparent to me that my looking beautiful, or sexy, or whatever, was an important component of the event. It was a feature. My appearance was part of the entertainment, and so matter what I did, if I went along with the cultural prescription by getting dolled up, I was going to be rewarded with oohs and ahhs.

I think we’ve all experienced this fixation on the appearance of the bride*, either as a wedding guest or as a participant–and hopefully not a competitor in the “wedding dress challenge” by You Know Who. I didn’t walk down the aisle at my wedding–I didn’t even have an aisle, just a party. And I still wish I’d had better hair, which, why!? Anyway, the whole post is a must-read.

*Or brides, I hope.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Fatism, Personal, Sex & Romance, Tidbit | 5 Comments »

Earlier this week, a plea for advice turned up in the comments. It directed us to this Dear Sugar column, where a man with “physical deformities and joint abnormalities” wrote in asking for advice:

My problem—and my problem with most advice-outlets—is that there’s not much of a resource for people like me. In movies, ugly characters are redeemed by being made beautiful in time to catch the eye of their love interest, or else their ugliness is a joke (Ugly Betty is NOT ugly). In practical life, we’re taught that personality matters more than physicality, but there are plenty of attractive (or at least normal-looking) people who are also decent human beings.

What is there for people like me who will never be remotely attractive and who are just average on the inside?

The Dear Sugar column includes a story about a man who was severely burned, and who ultimately committed suicide, believing he’d never find romantic love–as well as a response to the man who wrote in, which is quite beautifully written.

Inhabit the beauty that lives in your beastly body and strive to see the beauty in all the other beasts. Walk without a stick into the darkest woods. Believe that the fairy tale is true.

Our own questioner, who signed herself FB (or “female beast”) goes on to ask:

I’m a woman who is just plain ugly, no genetic disorders, just ugly. The thing is I try. I clean up, I dress nicely, but I’m not pretty and I have never once been approached in a bar or at a party, or asked on a date by a colleague or friend, no matter how sparkling and charming and witty I might be. And I put myself out there, I talk, I flirt. It’s very easy to say “Oh, it’s just your manner” or “If you met the right guy…” when you fall into the “Normal to Pretty” category, but I’m not in that category. I’m just not attractive, I’m ugly. So how am I supposed to keep looking, keep trying, when for so long all I have faced is constant rejection? Because, while women may look past looks, its just not the same for men. How do I not give up?

One thing to keep in mind, FB, is how lucky* you are to be free from genetic disorders or physical deformities. Those of us who don’t fit the mold of stereotypical beauty–whether because we’re fat or for some other reason–can often forget that. The “Fatosphere” is sometimes criticized for being ableist because it is so easy to ignore the fact that not everyone faces the same challenges.

And hopefully we can have a conversation about that too, because I would like to learn more about disability politics, and make sure this blog is a positive voice as far as that goes. (For instance, is it okay to say we are “lucky” not to be physically deformed? Does that mean we are saying able-bodied people are superior to those who are not able-bodied? And if so, what do we say instead?)

[*It has been pointed out that this is, in fact, an offensive statement. I'm leaving it here so you have context for the conversation in the comments, but I do apologize for using ableist language. I also don't want to make FB feel that her problems are not valid or less valid, and apologize also if I inadvertently did so.]

But anyway, this is not to diminish the fact that you feel that your physical appearance does affect your love life, and that you’d like advice. To that end, commenter boots asked some follow-up questions:

@ FB, I have so many follow-up questions…also, thanks for the link to that Dear Sugar column, that’s fascinating.

1. How old are you? (Just curious where you are in your life)

2. What does “giving up” mean to you in the context of finding love? What are you doing currently in your search that you would not do if you gave up looking?

3. Was anything in the comments of the Dear Sugar column helpful to you? (there were some pretty good thoughts there–even the stuff I didn’t agree with I thought might work for someone else)

Hopefully FB will come back to respond to those questions; I’ve sent her an email alerting her to the conversation. In the meantime, what advice would you give FB–can we help her? And what advice would you give me?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Question, Sex & Romance | 48 Comments »

On Twitter, Jen_Lee alerted me to this Ask Metafilter post entitled “I want to be a brain in a jar.” The letter-writer is married to a guy who says he doesn’t want to have with her because she’s fat (among other charming qualities). And it gets worse: they are (read: he is) poly*, and the guy’s girlfriend is living with them. Even worse? The letter-writer blames herself for this.

[*Just to clarify, the "poly" part isn't the bad thing, it's that this is not a healthy poly relationship, in which everyone's needs are being met. This seems like he's using "poly" as an excuse to write off his terrible behavior.]

Can I just be his supportive great best friend who cooks the meals and buys the groceries and pays the bills and is his best buddy and helps him with relationship problems and talks to him and cheers him up and cleans the house and is too fat to f–k? Can I do that? Do I want to do that? Will it really be fixed (“maybe” he said… MAYBE) if I lost the extra weight I’m carrying?

The good news is, thank god, to be found in the answers. The very wise answers.

Should you go on a diet so that your husband, who is in a sexual relationship with another woman, will want to have sex with you? No. What you need to do is figure out why you’re still in this relationship…

he is a dick. I’m sorry, but he is. He’s acting like an asshole despite how it hurts you, and when you confront him with his hurtful behavior, he’s pinning it on YOU. My ex-husband did this to me when we were divorcing – “Well, maybe if you weren’t so ____ or ____, I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere!” This is emotional sadism of a particular hideous variety.

Oh, sweetheart, what? No. I don’t care if you’re supposedly so fat that you block out the sun – if he’s busy sleeping with other women and the only thing he’s learned how to do with his mouth is point out your supposed inadequacies, he’s doing it wrong…

Don’t be the fat girl losing weight to keep your man. It won’t work. Even when you lose the weight, you’ll be on the treadmill of trying to keep the weight off, or there will be something else – you don’t look young enough, he doesn’t like your style, you are so pushy, or your aren’t supportive enough, or something. You’ll never be good enough, because you already are good enough.

And there are some people, of course, who are encouraging her to lose weight “for herself” or “for her health” but even that’s getting shot down.

just like her not getting laid isn’t related to her size, our advice should also not be based on her size. she could be four feet tall and five hundred pounds and the advice would still be “hey, your hubby sounds like a jerk”…

Learn to love your body again — at any weight. I have little doubt that you are lovable and desirable as you are, whatever your partner’s moods and current predilections…whatever you do, work toward finding delight in yourself. Trying to do it for someone else is a dead end. Get right with your body as it is. Don’t fall into the well-baited trap of body-hate and self-loathing while you’re doing it. You deserve better.

I really really really really really hope she listens.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Fatism, Feminism, Sex & Romance | 14 Comments »

Cubicalgirl in the comments alerted us to the existence of this shirt, saying:

It’s got the universal man/woman icons on it, only the woman is bigger and it says “Team Player” underneath, the implication being that the guy wearing the shirt will “take one for the team” and chat up the fat friend so his bros can hit on the hot chick at the bar.

WTF! There are plenty of men for whom I am the one they WANT to hit on, the the bullet they take so their friend can get the hot girl. I *am* the hot girl! Stop opressing me with your douchebag t-shirts!

Intrigued by the tag “fat girl” on the shirt itself, I clicked it to see what other shirts were being offered. The pleasant surprise is that they were more positive than negative, with slogans like “Fat Girl Pride!” and “Everyone Loves A Fat Girl” outweighing (no pun intended) shirts like the misogynistic crap pictured here.

Still, check out this misogynistic crap. The whole discussion of “entering” is just gross in and of itself, and once again it’s both objectifying women and reinforcing the notion that certain women are societally “acceptable” to have sex with, and others are not.

Still, there’s always the amusing T-shirt reading, “Help, this FAT girl ate me!” Which would only make sense if written by a fat girl who wants to poke fun at the “skinny girl trying to get out” trope.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Fashion, Fat Positive, Fatism, Feminism, Humor, Sex & Romance | 19 Comments »

This ad was posted on Wedinator with the caption, “Hey Look, It’s The Worst Ad Ever.” Of course, in their writeup, they kind of undermine that headline a little by missing the point:

Seriously, it’s one thing to encourage your overweight friend or relative to lose a little weight for general health reasons. But to imply that a woman needs to lose weight for just one freaking day?

Our tipster Heather let us know that the comments had some pretty good responses, though—at least before it all totally goes to hell—and also a lot of back and forth with concern trolls and regular troll trolls, so be forewarned if you decide to visit. But here’s a selection:

Don’t even “encourage your overweight friend or relative to lose a little weight for general health reasons” unless you know for a FACT that that’s a concept that’s totally new to her (or him). Most fat people have heard it many times, and many have been publicly insulted by total strangers.

I’m interested in who this ad is targeting… Brides only seems a bit wrong to me. It’s not that I don’t see the humor; I just think there are better ways to convey the joke without isolating brides as the people who need to lose weight…

The guys don’t realize that (no matter whether you’re large, normal, or tiny) the minute, say, facebook realizes you’re engaged you start getting “bridal weight loss” ads targeted to you. It’s annoying as f*ck!

Responding to someone calling her “a big fat fatty” because she criticized the ad:

Not that it’s any of your business, but I have never had weight issues and have been “skinny as a beanpole” (?!) according to my Grandma for my entire life. I think that’s part of why I hate this ad: I hate seeing so many products targeting women who are overweight and making them feel bad about themselves. I especially hate when they target brides because it’s 100% gimmicky. Plus, many women who aren’t overweight feel fat because of advertising. It’s sad.

But anyway, you sound like a helluva guy. A real ace. Keep it up!

Obviously, it isn’t just the ad, but the product itself that’s an issue here. Back in my dieting days I too tried SlimFast, and then felt like a loser because—for some strange reason—one can of chocolate-flavored chemicals actually did not satisfy my hunger. Possibly because I am a human person with a stomach.

Miraculously, I managed to get married anyway! Who would have thought!?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advertising, Diet Talk, Feminism, Humor | 21 Comments »

1. Found in my referral logs, this Ask Moxie thread has suggestions for places to shop for professional workplace attire if you’re plus-sized. Lots of links in the comments.

I may be fat, but I don’t want to look frumpy too. If you or any of your contributors know of good places (aside from Lane Bryant) to find nice plus-size professional clothes, I’d appreciate any and all suggestions.

(And if you’re coming from there, you may want to try our fashion category, or Jenfu’s most recent shopping roundup. Welcome!)

2. Living 400 Lbs is a blog that I’ve really been enjoying lately, written by a frequent commenter of this blog, whose comments I also enjoy. Hi! I liked this piece about not buying clothes (kind of the antithesis of the above). A really good read.

New clothes often come with the promise that they’ll make the wearer different in some way, or look better than before. If the new item fits better or has a better color, this makes sense…but often this promise is unfulfilled. Often I’ve bought clothes that looked great but were for someone else’s life. Over time, I found that not worrying about new clothes meant I had a better acceptance and appreciation of myself as I am, instead of searching for the “slimming” new piece that would emphasize the approved parts of my body and downplay the rest.

3. You may have already heard about the “put your pants on” Gap ad that’s creating a stir, but in case you haven’t, Feministing has a good post on it. Thanks to Nonk for the heads up!

Gap is explicitly using shame about having a body that does not conform to mainstream beauty standards to sell products. I’m disturbed the company would choose to do this, but I’m also bothered that it’s an idea for an ad that would work at all.

4. The New York Times Sunday section had an article called The Plus-Size Wars (which quotes Marianne Kirby and Kate Harding, among others) and Manolo for the Big Girl has a writeup.

“The market for plus-size clothes is effectively a Catch-22: women purchase less than they might because what they see on the racks doesn’t appeal to them; manufacturers and retailers cite poor sales figures as evidence of low demand and retrench, failing to provide the supply that might meet changing tastes.”

Kind of reminds you of our Lane Bryant discussion, huh?

5. Finally, for those of you still interested in trying out eShakti, the promo code piegirl123 will continue to give you 10% off through the end of August.

Happy Friday!

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advertising, Fashion | 6 Comments »

We recently talked about how relatively minor incidents can sometimes feel much more significant than they really are. There are a lot of thought-provoking stories in the comments and I urge you to check out the comments thread if you haven’t had a chance lately.

I was reminded of that conversation today when I was listening to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” on the radio, and feeling vaguely oppressed by the lyrics. In case you don’t know the song, the chorus goes like this:

California girls
We’re unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
We’ll melt your Popsicle
Oh oh oh

Admittedly, this is a stupid thing to feel oppressed by. But growing up as a lifelong California girl, I was always conscious that I didn’t live up to the familiar stereotype. I grew up with the Beach Boys song, of course, and all the videos that showed what a California girl was “supposed” to look like, and it wasn’t me. I freckle instead of tan, my hair is brown instead of blonde, and I certainly am not the thin but busty girl in Daisy Dukes and a bikini (and usually white and blonde) rollerblading on Venice Beach, who is the typical “California girl.”

Probably only seven girls in the world meet all these qualifications (and one of them is Chrissy Snow from Three’s Company) but I didn’t really understand that at the time—I just felt like I wasn’t measuring up. I guess I was afraid I would let people down, in some weird way. (And by “people” I mean “heterosexual men” who, of course, must have an unlimited supply of stereotypically beautiful, scantily clad women to look at and imagine having sex with at all times.)

So, it was a childish fear, which my all-grown-up feminist brain can easily dispense with, but it resurfaced thanks to Katy Perry, and I figured it might be interesting to share it.

Here’s the video for “California Gurls,” which is admittedly pretty cute… but it also presents girls as objects—Katy Perry is naked in it, and one girl is literally unwrapped like a present, and they are decorated in candy (because they are intended to be consumed, after all), and Snoop Dogg raps about girls being “tan, toned, fit, and ready,” and the whole thing is, from a feminist standpoint, very problematic. I mean, “We’ll melt your Popsicle”? This song is addressed to men, and promising them sexual gratification with a wink. Which is kind of Katy Perry’s schtick, right? I mean, “I Kissed A Girl” is one of my favorite gym songs, but it’s still all “tee hee” about bisexuality, presumably because men think hot chicks kissing each other is hot.

Anyway. The point being, I was driving around thinking about this today, and wondering if anyone else had a similar story about something minor that nevertheless makes you feel somehow oppressed. And I’d also love to know if there are stereotypes about the people who live where you live—and if so, whether you live up to them or not.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Art, Celebrities, Fatism, Feminism, Kids, Music, Personal, Question, Sex & Romance, TV, Video | 32 Comments »

A review of Hanes Just My Size is behind the jump. If clothing reviews are your thing, than click on through! Read more…

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: BlogHerOff, Fashion, Review | 20 Comments »

If you’ve never heard of Happy News, it’s a website devoted to news and lifestyle stories that are meant to be “always positive.” But an anonymous tipster wrote in and pointed out that often on the site, weight loss is equated to “happy,” and fatness is equated to “unhappy.”

Curious, I did a couple of searches myself. I found out weight loss can make you happier if you have hot flashes, and I found stories about how you will be less fat and thus more happy if you eat eggs and get surgery and drink apple cider vinegar and go to the mountains (even though you’ll gain the weight back in a month, of course—yes, the article really admits that). There’s even an article about how weight-loss patches “really work.” I’m not kidding.

I did not find any stories that could be remotely classified as fat positive, with one exception. The link our tipster sent in was this one, an article that contained the tidbit that low social interaction is “twice as harmful as obesity.” Of course this isn’t fat positive on the surface, but I could make a happy headline for that, which would read: Your Friends Are Twice As Important As Your Fat. That’s pretty happy, right?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Diet Talk Warning, Fatism, Media, WLS, Weight Loss | 6 Comments »

This seems to be the week for celebrity women to advocate for body positivity—or at least, it’s the week I found all these links!

First off, from Becky on Twitter comes this story about Penelope Cruz, who says you don’t have to be thin to be pretty.

“I would close down all those teenage magazines that encourage young girls to diet. Who says that to be pretty you have to be thin? Some people look better thin and some don’t. There is almost a standard being created where only thin is acceptable. The influence of those magazines on girls as young as 13 is horrific.”

I could argue (at length) about the comment that “Some people look better thin and some don’t,” because I think that’s problematic. Also the word “almost” in that bolded sentence. But the fact that she’s pissed off about this and speaking out is pretty awesome.

Via CDAN comes this letter from Sophia Bush about those ridiculous “Eat Less” shirts from Urban Outfitters.

I am fortunate enough to star on a wonderful TV show called One Tree Hill. I play a fashion designer named Brooke Davis, who started a campaign on the show called “Zero Is Not A Size” and the outpouring of love and gratitude that came my way from girls and women ALL OVER THE WORLD who have body image issues brought me to tears.

To promote starvation? To promote anorexia, which leads to heart disease, bone density loss, and a slew of other health problems, not least of all psychological issues that NEVER go away? Shame on you. I will no longer be shopping at your stores. And I will encourage the tens of thousands of female supporters I have to do the same. I have fought to boycott BP. I never imagined I would also be boycotting affordable fashion.

You should issue a public apology, and make a hefty donation to a women’s organization that supports those stricken with eating disorders. I am sickened that anyone, on any board, in your gigantic company would have voted ‘yes’ on such a thing, let alone enough of you to manufacture an item with such a hurtful message.

I’m hoping (and assuming) “Zero Is Not A Size” is not against very slim women, but instead against the idea that the size for these women has that name. But I don’t watch One Tree Hill so one of you might have to fill me in. Anyway, it sounds like Sophia Bush is very engaged with the world, and trying to use her celebrity to effect some positive change. That’s awesome.

And finally, Hayley Hasselhoff talks about the awesomeness that is Huge, and how she embraces her curves.

I related to Amber [her character] a lot when I was younger growing up, but I think I’m finally at a point in life where I’m comfortable with who I am… I’m so glad there’s a show that teenagers can look up to young girls and realize it’s okay to be voluptuous.

Three celebrities speaking out and telling teens it’s okay to be who you are? Feels like a Feel Good Friday to me.

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advocacy, Celebrities, Fashion, Fat Positive, Fatism, Feel Good Friday, Feminism, Gossip, Hayley Hasselhoff, Huge, International, Kids, Magazines, TV | 7 Comments »

In case you’re not familiar with eShakti, they have an amazing concept. They will customize their garments to your exact specifications. You break out the measuring tape, you tell them exactly what to do so their clothes will fit your body, and they will do it. It’s like magic, especially if you are hard to fit!

They recently offered to partner with BFD and let me pick out a dress. I now wish I’d gotten this dress, which is super adorable, but in fact, I got this one. In order to test out their modifications, I asked for sleeves! I seem to not have gotten the belt. Hmm. That’s weird. But anyway, if you click through the picture, you can see all my notes on Flickr about the dress I got.

Our own Jenfu had this to say in an email, about eShakti’s fabric:

The heavy satin cotton worked really well for the very tailored dress I bought–it had a tailored bodice and waist and then was a floofy skirt, and the print on it (goldfish! which were gold!) was gorgeous and rich-looking, and i would have kept the dress and loved it always if I had measured myself correctly and it hadn’t been 2 sizes too large.

I think anything fitted, you have to make sure the fabric has stretch. Anything tailored, the cotton satin is good (but heavy, so it’s not good for a floaty dress). Is your dress just plain cotton? It seems like it might be a flimsy cotton. I would probably only buy structured things from them, especially after your experience with the Charlie Brown sack.

She meant “Charlie Brown sack” lovingly; I know this because she also told me I was cute. In all caps. “You are CUTE” she said. Also, I may have called it a Charlie Brown sack first. If you have any experiences with eShakti, good or bad—or any tips on how to measure yourself accurately—feel free to add them in the comments!

And if you’d like to try eShakti for yourself, I’ve been given an affiliate code: piegirl123. This code will be good through the end of July (so a few more days now) and you’ll get 10% off. Just note Jenfu’s advice on fabric! And whatever advice the comments give you…

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Advertising, Fashion, Personal, Review | 15 Comments »

I had a fabulous time last weekend seeing Adam Lambert’s show at the Warfield in San Francisco. In fact, I was right up against the stage, so close that I could see the individual flecks of glitter on his skin. And other than a few songs that I don’t really care for, it was a terrific show.

I went hunting for videos of some of my favorite performances: “If I Had You,” “Sleepwalker,” and his slowed-down version of “Whole Lotta Love.” And I found this video! And it is great! And I will post it, because I love Adam Lambert! In case you hadn’t noticed! And then I will get to the point.

I decided to post the link to this video on my Facebook page, and once I did so, I saw the second part of the description of the video, which Facebook puts in automatically:

Taken by my sister at the San Francisco Glam Nation show at the Warfield.

Woman with the fat hands in front of the camera’s view, I want to smack you hard. Move them to the ground!

What a tiny little thing, the word “fat” in that sentence, the violent little message. But it stopped me short for a moment. After all, I was at that concert, right up front, probably waving my “fat hands” in the air from time to time, dancing and jumping around and enjoying the show. So I took it personally. At least for a moment.

I feel like there’s lots of little moments like this. Little things that are in and of themselves practically meaningless, certainly not worth getting upset over, and yet they accumulate. And over time, they add up to that sense of unworthiness and self-consciousness that we’re all dealing with and fighting against, simply because we aren’t skinny. Because we have “fat hands” or whatever and people—for some reason—hate us for it.

However, we also have the ability to think critically about stuff like this. We have this community and others like it. And I think that’s worth more than I often consciously acknowledge in terms of looking at a little comment and thinking, “well, that’s not right” instead of automatically internalizing it.

So tell me: have you seen any fat hate like this—any little throwaway moments—in the world around you lately? How did you handle them?

And can anyone get me Adam Lambert’s email address?

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Adam Lambert, Celebrities, Fatism, Personal, Question, Video | 23 Comments »

1. Plus-size model Velvet D’Amour emailed me about her new photography site, Velvetography, which features both “regular” and plus-sized models like the one pictured here. Some of the photos are nudes, so consider this your NSFW warning!

2. I think I’m in love with Amanda Piasecki, who coined the term “Fatshionista,” after reading this interview on Big Bum Jumble.

At my best and most resilient, I enjoy exaggerating everything about my size and rocking hot, gruesome, femme monstrosity. At my most weary and over-it, I work a surly, fat Russian Riviera look. For a long time, I attempted to dye my hair the same color red as every woman in communist Poland had, but no one made the connection except my immigrant family, and my skin looked terrible. Now it’s a less belligerent Californian henna color. I am one of the least invisible people I know, even when I’m trying to be – I receive a lot of street hassle, from come-ons to fat bashing, and everything in between. I do the best with it that I can, and sometimes my outfits are a way of fighting back or making a visual inside joke with other outsiders.

And wait, she lives in Oakland? Amanda, come hang out with me! East Bay represent!

3. Sherri Shepherd is going to play Lula in the adaptation of Janet Evanovich’s book One for the Money. I envisioned Lula as being heavier based on the book descriptions, but then again, I envisioned Stephanie Plum as being not Katherine Heigl, so… Read more…

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Art, Celebrities, Fat Positive, Fatism, Feminism, Humor, NSFW, Velvet d'Amour | 9 Comments »

The picture of an old-timey Lane Bryant ad came from Roger Ebert on Twitter, who described it tongue-in-cheekily as a picture of a “tragically fat young woman.”

And speaking of Lane Bryant, my dear friend Pippit sent in a link to an article about Full Figured Fashion Week that ran in her local paper, the Austin-American Statesman.

I was shocked to hear the president of Lane Bryant say that their plus-sized customers are more interested in elastic-waist pants and caftans than on actual fashion. Well, I’m paraphrasing. Here’s the real quote:

Lane Bryant, the retailer offering sizes 14-28, believes its customers are most concerned with comfort, then fit and finally style. “She’s not there on the cutting edge of fashion,” President Brian Woolf said. “She might be a year behind.”

Don’t let the fatshionistas hear you say that, buddy.

I was pretty surprised, considering that our own Marie Denee, the Curvy Fashionista, just attended a Lane Bryant bloggers conference. She wrote about her experience here, and Fat Chic (another blogger who attended the conference) had this to say:

I was absolutely fascinated by the creative process used to come up with the different styles each month. The designers and merchants know their competition, are inspired by it and are also determined to keep on as leaders of plus size (specialty size) fashion. They really do try to have something for everyone, as their envisioned customer is quite eclectic.

The major thing I learned: high fashion really does filter down to the commercial, and while I question why that’s necessary, for a company that produces new styles on a monthly turnover schedule, I can understand the need NOT to reinvent a wheel over and over.

So are they fashion backward or fashion forward? Do they believe in Fatshionistas, or do they believe we’re not interested in following the latest trend? Are their clothes overpriced or worth the money? Do you still own a pair of Right Fit jeans? Does it all, in the end, come down to your personal taste? Someone, anyone, TELL ME WHAT TO BELIEVE!

Posted by mo pie

Filed under: Fashion, Old Timey, Video | 53 Comments »